Episode 4 Richard Hammond's Secret Service

.

APPLAUSE

Now, team.

One of the most critical things about being the boss

in an organisation like this is having absolute trust

in those beneath you. And that is, well, that is all of you.

So, I shall prove that point now with this trust exercise.

Are you ready? Good. I will count you in.

Three. Two. One.

I'm OK! I'm OK!

I'm OK! You're dismissed. You can go. You can go.

Don't worry. Nobody's fault. Nobody's fault.

It was their fault.

Hello and welcome to My Secret Service.

I am in quite a lot of pain and I shall now press this button.

Displaying secret files.

Coming up on tonight's show...

They are not coming on my property.

..a piece of urban art attracts all the wrong sort of attention

to this woman's home...

-Your house is now an art gallery.

-No. No.

You'd better just go cos you're not coming on.

..a roofer from Kent becomes a German pop star

and then performs live on TV...

Ain't no stopping, let's get rocking.

Live in London, Jonny X!

# Hey, hey, pop, pop. #

..and what happens when children make friends with a talking dog?

-Would you like a worm sandwich?

-Eurgh.

-No.

Where do you guys hide your tails?

-We don't have tails!

-We have bottoms.

Look.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, technically, I shouldn't have shown you that.

It is all very top-secret.

So, now, I'm afraid, I shall have to wipe your memory of it.

Look at the pen, please. Look at the pen.

Oh. Hang on. That is just a pen, isn't it?

Where's my memory wiper gone?

BUZZER

First up tonight, we have Becki.

My feisty and gullible mum Gillian prides herself

on the home in the lovely street that we live on.

She is a proper nosy neighbour. Can you give her neighbours

something to twitch their curtains about?

An unassuming house sits unassumingly

in peaceful Unassumia.

It's...in Essex.

But Gillian's suburban semi is about to get a serious urban makeover.

Enter the scourge of urban city life, the infamous Dixie,

a world-renowned and never-before-heard-of graffiti artist.

Actually, it's Gillian's daughter, Becki.

So, whilst Gillian is out, Mervin and Humphrey

from the Secret Service decorating department

put up some instant, urban graffiti,

a bold and unflinching statement for the lost generation.

Bum.

So, feisty Gillian returns from a shopping trip with daughter Becki

only to discover a huge bum on her house...

which is quite unusual.

Mum, what the hell?! Oh, my God.

-No-one else has had it done, have they?

-I don't know.

I think she's checking to see if the culprit is still at large.

Ah, no. Nobody there, so now she can step back

and enjoy the cheeky addition to her house.

And here comes our fake, local news team

who somehow have got wind of the big bum.

Mum, it's the news.

-This is it.

-This is it?

-Yeah.

-What is going on?

-I don't know.

-Hi. Is this your house?

-I just got in. I don't know what the hell is going on here.

My name's Alex. I'm a reporter from Live TV.

We've just had a tip-off from the police that you've had

this piece of graffiti done on your house.

I've just come home and I'm like, what the hell? What is going on?

The report we've had is that this is actually by an international

graffiti artist called Dixie.

-Do you mind doing an interview with me?

-No.

-That's amazing. Thank you.

-Sorry, what was your name again?

-I'm Gill.

-Gill. Hi. I'm Alex. Nice to meet you.

I know a little bit about Dixie

so I'll tell you a bit about it as we go.

But it could be really exciting for you. It could...

I don't know. Are you feeling excited at the moment?

I don't know. No. I'm a little bit... Erm...

Especially with the wording, bum. It doesn't really...

-It is actually German, so you pronounce it "boom".

-Oh, really?!

Boom? Oh. There go the bum jokes.

Hi. This is Alex. I'm here for Live TV.

I'm in Hornchurch in Essex and I'm joined by the lovely Gillian

who has been surprised by the international graffiti artist Dixie.

Gillian, are you feeling excited about having

-this piece of art on your house?

-Erm... Not... Well...

Not really. I mean, I just don't know. I don't know what to say.

Dixie is actually regarded as the third international

-graffiti artist in the world.

-Oh, my goodness.

So there's Banksy and then you've got Rolf Harris

and then you've got Dixie. So he is really, really huge.

If this turns out to be genuine, of course, how would you feel

about living in what could be a work of art?

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. If he comes with Rolf Harris then,

yeah, it's brilliant, isn't it? It is good.

Well, so far Gillian seems to be taking it all in her stride.

Not what we'd expected.

I mean, how can you tell if it's genuine?

Enter Agent Bureaucrat playing a council official,

highly skilled in the art of nit-pickery.

-Hi. I'm with the local council.

-Hello, there. Hi.

-We heard that you'd had an incident with some graffiti.

-I thought it was...

-I thought it was a practical joke at first, to be honest.

-No joke, I'm afraid.

-I wouldn't spend my afternoon doing this if it was a joke.

-No. No.

Now we're sending in more agents in hi-vis jackets and hard hats,

to verify Dixie's bum. Sorry, "boom".

Can we... Do you think we could get an interview with you?

Not while I'm working. No, I'm afraid not. Sorry.

-Yeah, I've just got confirmation that this is genuine, actually.

-Wow.

How exciting.

Gillian actually seems quite pleased with that.

But will she be pleased with this?

Now it's up and it's been confirmed as genuine,

it's actually a criminal offence to remove it. We need to protect this.

-You're liable to a £100,000 fine...

-Really?!

-..or a criminal sentence, actually, as well.

-Oh, my goodness.

-OK.

I think we should start protecting this. Have you got the barriers?

-Yeah.

-I just can't believe this is happening.

So, it's official. This is a Dixie and that means Gillian's house

has just become an art gallery.

I hereby annexe this property and as such its subject to the laws

and bylaws and bybylaws governing the administration

and curation of an official council support art viewing installation.

You mean they're actually going to be allowed to come into my home?

-Well, essentially, your house is now an art gallery.

-No. No.

Well, the outside can be. They can stand on the outside,

but this is my property

and I'm not having anybody coming on and infringing my property.

I pay my council taxes and I'm not having that.

Yeah, I think the novelty might be wearing off somewhat

for house-proud, feisty Gillian. Not surprising, really.

So, obviously, as the story develops now,

we've just heard from the council

that actually the work of art needs to be protected.

How are you feeling about that?

I mean, I my private property has now become public property,

which, in anybody's right is an infringement, as I said before,

infringement of your own privacy.

Yeah, so Gillian finds our infringement infringing,

which is...kind of the point.

So far she's had to deal with

the unwelcome redecoration of the front of her house

and more than a little unwanted attention.

-And this is only the beginning of the end.

-What's all this?

We'll come back later to discover how much worse.

-Do I get my home back?

-Yeah, in a manner of speaking.

-It'll just be missing that area.

-Oh! No. Leave this. Leave it.

And how much weirder things can get

for someone with a "bum" on their wall.

-Let me hear you say, "bum".

-HE BEATBOXES

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Come here. You've got to see this, it's amazing.

My agents have been working really hard on this.

It's smash-proof glass, like, really smash-proof.

Very expensive stuff, but completely unbreakable.

You could hit this with a train.

So if I was a villain

trying to break in here with, say, a hammer,

I'd be in for a big surprise. Smash-proof.

No! Soundproof! Soundproof.

Oh! I couldn't hear you. Which does mean, I suppose, it works.

Well done. Carry on.

We all know that keeping kids entertained in the classroom

can be a tough task.

We think we can help.

Meet Agent Sammy. He's a dog, in case you were wondering,

and that is a dog vocaliser.

Pretty complicated stuff,

but basically it can read Agent Sammy's thoughts

and broadcast them to the world. Amazing.

Fluffy.

What, really? So it's not...

Oh, right, it's actually a speaker with another human agent

talking through it pretending to be a dog. Is that right?

Yeah, that's it. OK. Back to the mission. Talking dog - check.

All we need now are some children. Children?

Ah, that's handy.

Sammy is our helper today,

a very, very special dog.

Just going to turn this on. Would you like to say hello to Sammy?

Hello, Sammy.

Hello, Marvin.

Hello, Leila. Hello, Maisie.

Oh!

-That's clever, isn't it?

-Yeah!

-Hello, Sammy.

-Have you ever met a talking dog before?

Think about it.

-Woof!

-SHE GIGGLES

He talked!

-Your teeth are so big.

-That's because I'm a dog.

Ha!

-Who wants to do some reading?

-Me.

-Yay!

-"A mouse took a stroll..."

-"Through the deep, dark wood."

I love woods. You get to chase squirrels in them.

-Have you seen a squirrel?

-BOTH: Yeah!

What do they look like?

They look like they've got a bushy tail like a fox.

And they are brown and they're furry.

-Very, very furry, but not really.

-And they've got a tiny head.

I've got one in a box at home.

-Shall we do some more reading?

-We'll do a little bit more reading.

-We'll turn the book around so you two can see it.

-Yay!

-Yeah?

Little bit more reading? All right.

"Where are you going to, little brown mouse?

"Come and have lunch in my underground house."

Lunch is my favourite thing. Would you like a worm sandwich?

-Ooh!

-No!

Why?

Human beings don't like eating worms.

-Erm, I ate a clam once.

-What did it taste of?

-Crocodiles.

-What do you like eating?

-Lemon drizzle cake.

Soft-shell crab.

-Huh?

-Why do you keep sticking your tongue out, Sammy?

That's what we do when we're a bit hot.

-HE PANTS

-Like that.

SHE PANTS

Woof!

-Whoo!

-THEY PANT

-So where do you guys hide your tails?

-We don't have tails!

We have bottoms.

-Look!

-Really?

-Cos we're not dogs.

-Ah.

-Woof!

-I love you, Sammy. I wish I could live with you.

BOTH: We love reading with Sammy.

I like your nose.

BOTH: I love reading with Sammy.

'I would say that's a pretty successful sprinkling of magic dust

'on an otherwise average classroom.

'Got to get myself one of those vocalisers. That would be great.'

Do we still have to be here?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-So this is the actual Wolfchat 3000, and this doesn't work.

-No.

-Well, can you fix it?

-It never did work, Richard.

-Well, how did you know what the dog was thinking?

-It was an actor.

Right, got it. How did the actor know what the dog was thinking?

LAUGHTER

Later! Catch up on that.

Anyway, time now to complete our incomplete mission in Essex.

If you weren't watching earlier, a quick recap.

Dixie put his bum on Gillian's wall and she's not happy about it.

That should make perfect sense to anyone who's just joined us.

So, house-proud Gillian came home

to discover this rather cheeky artwork on her house.

Oh, my God, Mum, it's the news.

And the local news.

This is actually by an international graffiti artist called Dixie.

And the council are on the scene.

-Well, essentially, your house is now an art gallery.

-No.

Can I just run through a checklist of issues with your property?

What sort of toilet facilities do you have?

-They're not coming into my home.

-What...

If you want them to come on here you can put a Portakabin

and they can go on the pavements and whatever. They're not coming into my property.

-What parking facilities do you have on offer?

-I don't have any.

I mean, this is prime parking space.

Yeah, this is my parking space for my vehicles and my home.

We will need disabled access and disabled parking, as well.

That's something... You'll have to deal with as the council.

Is this an official drop curb here, or is this...?

-Yeah, of course it is.

-That's disabled here.

-No, I don't...

No, I don't think so.

I'm not going down that road.

Well, you live on that road, Gillian,

and news of your Dixie masterpiece has gone viral,

which means youths, and with them, Beatfox,

a street MC - whatever that is.

I've been following Dixie around for quite a while

and I do performances and try and get nice big crowds.

-How did you know this was here?

-It's a bit secretive at the moment?

-Did he tip you off?

-He tipped me off, yeah.

-Right, OK.

If you talk to him, can you just ask him why he picked my house.

Because now I'm, like, invaded with...

I'd be pretty happy if it was my house, I'd be honoured.

I'd be pretty amazed.

I'd probably wake up and faint, to be honest with you.

We're here in Hornchurch in Essex,

where Beatfox has actually shown up at Dixie's piece of art

to give a little performance and Gillian is joining in.

She's loving it.

-So let's all join in with Beatfox.

-Let me hear you say "bum".

-Bum.

-HE BEATBOXES

-Bum, bum, bum. Let me hear you say "bum".

'Huge respect to Gillian. Not only is she refusing to get in a flap,

'she's actually joining in with Beatfox.

'We kind of need her to remember

'she's got a giant "bum" painted on her house

'and a load of people on her driveway.'

-What's all this?

-That's red tape, Gillian.

'It means you can't get into your own house

'without showing photographic ID.'

I bet the Queen didn't even get this, did she,

at the bloody Jubilee or something?

No, you bloody can't, no. There's a thing up the road. No way.

-I'll be out in 30 seconds.

-I don't care. No.

-It's my home, you're not coming in my home.

-Can I just check your ID?

Here you are, check that.

'Strange place to keep your ID, Gillian(!)

'Anyway, finally some good news.'

-We are actually going to move this artwork.

-Oh!

-I'm sure you're very happy about that.

-So how can you...

You just threatened me with a £100,000 fine if I touched it,

so what...

We're going to remove it, and we have to keep it intact,

unfortunately, so we'll be... We'll just be taking a section.

How can you do that? Do I get my home back?

Yeah, in a manner of speaking. Yeah.

It'll just be missing that area, for the time being, just around there.

-Taking out the wall?!

-Exactly.

Oh! No, leave it where it is. You're not taking my wall.

-We'll have some polythene over it for a couple of days.

-No, no. No!

So, the news on Gillian's street

is that the council have agreed to move the artwork. Great!

Unfortunately they intend to take the wall of her home, as well.

Bit draughty.

-Oh, my God.

-Can I just check your ID? Please, madam?

-I need to get in there to get my ID.

-Hang on a second.

-Don't be stupid.

-Hang on.

What's this? Uh-oh. Demolition truck.

You'll have to go through me first.

You are not going through my property. No. Go away.

-They are not coming on my property.

-Let me hear you say "bum".

You better just go, because you're not coming on.

Go. You're not coming on.

'Just when things can't get any worse, enter Dixie...'

This is Dixie! This is actually him. Come and see.

You responsible for this? You're not putting any more up on my bloody wall, thank you very much.

'..which of course is daughter Becki, who set the whole thing up.'

You've just been the star of Richard Hammond's Secret Service on BBC!

Oh, sweetheart. You were so good.

How could you do that to me?

Gillian returned home to the unusual sight of a giant "bum" on her wall.

She happily dealt with the world's press,

but was less than happy with the men from the council.

-Your house is now an art gallery.

-No.

-She only had one word for them.

No. No. No.

And as the crowds gathered, Gillian hit boiling point.

Just go, because you're not coming on.

They are not coming on my property.

Before finally coming face to face with the artist himself -

or actually, herself - Gillian's daughter, Becki.

How could you do that to me?

HE BEATBOXES

-Everybody say "bum".

-ALL: Bum!

APPLAUSE

Now, in this next mission, a member of the public

learns the important lesson

that if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

Like wax fruit. Don't eat it.

X-ray specs - they just don't work.

Or estate agents who sell you Big Ben for £500. They're lying!

Hello, everybody, and welcome to 3 Car Giveaway,

the only game show in the UK

where our contestants could be popping out for a pint of milk

and then the next minute, driving away in a very nice motor.

Today, hopefully, we'll be giving away these three motors.

So, we've stopped these unsuspecting shoppers,

who've all agreed to take part

in what they think is a win-a-car quiz.

When, in fact, it's the Secret Service,

providing a very important public service.

Showing the people of Britain,

well, the people in this shopping centre anyway,

that if it looks too good to be true, it probably is.

Of course, what our contestants don't know

is that Agent Clueless is in on the act.

If you get every single question right, you win a car each.

If you get one question wrong,

that's it, we end of.

No looking, winking, or Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

HE COUGHS Brazil '86. OK?

The golden rules of this is you're on telly. Smile, look pretty, it could be worse,

you could be wearing the sparkly jacket.

We all wish them the best of luck, don't we? Don't we?

OK, so let's play 3 Car Giveaway.

We are now just three correct answers from your dream cars.

-How are you feeling?

-Slightly nervous.

Slightly nervous? How you feeling?

My heart is in my hands.

Complete the names of these million-selling song titles.

Take That. Relight My...

Fire.

That's the one!

Fire?

Is the right answer. Well done.

Well done, well done, well done. Here we go.

Queen. Bohemian...

-Rhapsody.

-Oh, hoo-hoo!

Is the right answer, well done, well done.

Rhapsody.

Is the right answer. Well done, well done.

So far, everyone's got their questions correct.

If Agent Clueless makes it there correct answer in a row,

they all win the cars - one each.

The tension is incredible. Here we go.

One question away from the cars.

Elton John.

Candle In The...

-Window.

-Oh, my God.

Candle In The...

Window.

Window.

Candle In The...

Window.

Is the wrong answer. Is the wrong answer, Kevin.

Is the wrong answer.

-Candle In The Window.

-It's wind.

-That means you do NOT win the cars.

Aw, that is a shame.

It was just too good to be true.

Anyway, hopefully the next contestants, Chris,

and rapper Cain, will have better luck.

Can you give us a little bit of rap now?

No.

Mate, listen, if we win and you walk away with a car,

I definitely want you to do a bit of rapping. Good luck. I really mean it. Good luck.

Complete the names of these three best-selling novels.

Roald Dahl. Charlie And The Chocolate...

-Factory.

-Sorry?

-Factory.

Is the right answer, Chris. Well done, well done.

Cain, your one.

JRR Tolkien.

The Lord Of The...

Rings.

Is the right answer. Well done.

One more to go. Here we go.

One question remains. Nice and quiet, please. No help from anybody.

CS Lewis. The Lion, The Witch And The...

Cupboard.

I'm going to ask you again. C S Lewis, The Lion, The Witch And The...

Take your time.

Think of what you saw your clothes in.

-Take your time.

-Cupboard.

It's the wrong answer, Kevin. It's wardrobe. It's wardrobe.

That was close, man. That was so close.

Next up, two sisters out to do a spot of shopping,

now hoping to go home with more than a new frock.

Will they spot that this is too good to be true?

Complete the names of these three movies.

Four Weddings And A...

Funeral.

Is the right answer. Well done. OK.

Silence Of The...

Lambs.

Correct answer. Here we go.

Raging...

Hangover.

Is the wrong answer, Kevin, is the wrong answer. It's Raging Bull.

Raging Bull.

They can't even look at him!

So far, four couples have tried and failed to win a car each,

because Agent Clueless is an idiot and, more importantly,

it's too good to be true.

So, will our final unsuspecting shopping centre duo,

Darren and Crystal, get their hands on those elusive car keys?

-Complete the names of these famous pop groups.

-I'm thinking not.

Take...

That. Take That.

You'll go with Take That?

It's the right answer, mate. Well done. Your question.

-The Spice...

-Girls.

Is the right answer.

Well done.

Well done, well done.

One question away.

Kevin, here we go.

The Black Eyed...

Pandas.

I'm sorry?

The Black Eyed....

Pandas?

Black Eyed Pandas.

Is the wrong answer.

-Have you got anything you'd like to say to Kevin before we move on?

-No.

What started out as a day's shopping

turned into a nerve-jangling win-a-car quiz for our unlucky couples.

Time then to reveal that if it seems too good to be true -

it probably is.

He is not any idiot, right? He is actually an actor.

You have been on Richard Hammond's Secret Service for the BBC.

Would you like to give them a little wave?

Say hello.

LAUGHTER

That is...that is awful! That is quite bad.

You've got one already.

I ain't got a car, what are you trying to nick my keys for?

What's wrong with him?

APPLAUSE

Now...

there are people who love being the centre of attention, they need it -

not me, of course, I'm very modest and really quite shy.

# It's Richard Hammond's Secret Service! #

Yes, yes, thanks for that(!) Yeah.

In this next mission, we meet a young man, though,

who truly craves the limelight, unlike me...

..really.

LAUGHTER

That man over there is Scott - he's a roofer from Kent

on what he thinks is a normal call-out to quote on fixing

a leaky roof at a small TV studio. It's not a normal call out...

-Yeah, yeah, sure. Sorry, mate, what was it?

-Scott.

-Hello, I'm Sy...

..because we were contacted by Scott's best friend Warren

asking for our help.

He says that Scott loves being the centre of attention and is

impossible to embarrass - he's wants us to find a way to "show him up".

It shouldn't be a problem, as Scott is on a call-out with a difference.

The studio he's walked into is full of agents pretending to film

a German music show called Popmusik.

Scott waits patiently for the owner,

but he's not the only one running late...

The show is missing their star guest,

German's number one pop sensation Jonny X, who doesn't really exist.

You know we're short of bodies today. We need someone to stand in and do this.

Hmm! Where could we find a stand-in at short notice?

-Want me to get Scott in?

-Yeah.

Scott...

we're just doing a little walk-through,

we're a bit short of bodies in here,

-would you mind sitting over there for us?

-Where do you want me to sit?

It's just for cameras and lights and stuff, thanks.

-Sorry, these are our presenters - Heidi and Rudy.

-Hello.

This is Scott. Scott's just going to sit in for us.

I'll give you a bit of an overview. This is a pop music show.

Oh, so Scott is not part of the crew?

-No, no, Scott's just in here for us, he's going to help us out.

-Oh, OK.

So, Scott, what are you here to fix?

-The roof.

-Just the roof?

-Just the roof.

-What is wrong with the roof?

I don't know yet.

Well, Scott is settling in nicely, just shooting the breeze.

Time to find out more about this Jonny X character he's sitting in for.

-Oh, my God, he's everywhere in Germany.

-He's so popular...

-Is he a singer?

He's a singer, but he's like... How would you say? Like personality?

He's so funny. He's so crazy funny.

OK, once he calls the Chancellor Angela Schmerkel!

That's not her name, you know -

it's Merkel! You take the M off and put it with an S, you know?

-Do you think that's funny?

-Mmm, yeah.

So we can't wait to interview him because, for us, it's our careers.

It would rally help make us, like, um...

Could you say "a name in the house" or the "household name"?

Yes, a name in the household.

-Like your Dec and Ant.

-Oh, yeah, Ant and Dec.

-No.

-Dec and Ant.

Dec Ant.

-Dec Ant?

-Ant and Dec, innit?

-What is it?

-Ant and Dec.

-No, it's...

-Ant and Dec.

-No, but it's one person.

-No, it's two people.

-No?!

-We thought it was...

-No, it's two people.

-You're having a joke with me!

-No.

-They look the same.

What did you say?

-They, what, look the same?

-Yeah.

-No, one's little, one's big, aren't they?

-Jonny X.

-Oh, my God.

He looks like him. Do you think so, Rudy?

Let me see. Yes, a little bit in the nose and the eyes and also in the mouth.

It's a compliment because he is so hot.

So, Scott is a dead ringer for Jonny X, who doesn't exist,

but I wonder if he sounds like him?

Don't suppose you do a German accent, do you?

Jonny X is going to be doing it with a German accent.

Give me a German accent.

TOGETHER: Ain't no stopping, let's get rocking!

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-Ain't no stopping, let's get rocking!

Is that all right, Sound?

He's not scared of anything!

When you're ready, take it away.

Cue!

I'm here with Jonny X in the studio. What do you say, Jonny?

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-Ain't no stopping, let's get rocking!

Yeah, boy, that's right! Check out Jonny X on Popmusik,

Saturday nights at Smash Bang TV Now, but better!

Good, great stuff, guys, thank you very much there for Sound.

You're so good, you know, you really are a natural.

-Have you ever thought of a change in career?

-Not really, no.

Jonny's running late as usual, so we're going to keep going through

and doing some more links if that's all right?

RUDY: This is typical Jonny X.

I told you if you're going to do anything live with him he'll be a nightmare.

Well, Scott is here - maybe if you just ask him some questions

-and you give him any old responses, that'll be really useful.

-Just make something up?

Yeah, thanks for bearing with us, guys....

Yeah, it's all perfectly normal Scott, this kind of thing happens to a roofer a lot(!)

Ain't no stopping, let's get rocking!

Hey, Rudy, ain't no stopping, let's get rocking!

Yeah, so, guys, we have been keeping a little shhh-shhh secret from you.

Shhh! It's a super secret, this guest - it's only blinking Jonny X!

THEY CHEER

Jonny X, you are live to eight million German fans,

not forgetting all those fans watching in Norway, Holland and Luxembourg.

So what have you got to say to them?

Hi!

Hi to Luxembourg especially - you are particularly honoured.

-We have been told you are going to be starring in the German remake of Batman!

-Ja!

Ja, with none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger's cousin!

What do you play in the movie and could you tell us a little bit about the plot?

-Yes, I play the Penguin.

-Oh, the Penguin.

-The Penguin, yeah.

-Oh, my God.

-I can't say much about the plot until it's shown so...

Do you have a super-cool costume?

-Yes, super-cool, I have to waddle around and stuff.

-Oh, that's so great.

Wow! How did you manage to embody the character of a penguin?

I spent a bit of time in London Zoo with the penguins.

-So you are totally method?

-Method.

-Method, yeah.

Scott immediately settles into the role of international superstar -

completely unfazed.

-There's another thing that Jonny X is very good at.

-Oh, ja!

We've been having demands from all our viewers to see the famous Jonny X bum wiggle.

TOGETHER! Ja!

Heidi and ich have been practising this all day -

you can judge this for us, so if we bend down...

-Tell us what was the best one.

-Drei, zwei, eins!

Jonny X!

Perhaps you can show us how it is really done?

Go on, now.

Three, two, one!

Jonny X!

OK, I'll admit, he doesn't look even remotely embarrassed right now,

so let's try something else.

Oh, it's the famous moon-walking that you do with the military style.

-Would you like to show us, Jonny X? We are dying to see.

-Yeah.

Yeah, show us your moon-walk.

He's moon-walking! Now this man might just be impossible to crack!

He's bum-wiggled and moon-walked without even a hint of embarrassment.

We're set now for the big performance piece, so I want all hands on deck here, please.

It's crucial we do this rapidly.

Now preparations are under way for the real Jonny X's live performance.

We've got to hustle like this, because when we're doing this live...

Scott, can we just put a couple of bits and bobs on you for the cameras?

Just come over this way with me.

This is Jonny X's actual outfit.

Ah, Scott seems, once again, to have no problem at all stepping

into his shoes, and his entire outfit, for the final camera checks.

Jonny is still not here, OK?

- What time do we go on? - Can I get checks out here, please?

Can people be busy? Come on! Right, so how long have we got?

He's here to mend a leaky roof, remember?

The atmosphere in the studio seems to have gone downhill -

they need Scott to step in and actually perform live as Jonny,

and, yep, it looks like Scott is finally feeling the pressure, is he?

Yeah, yeah, just...

No, he's not.

OK, guys, we're coming in in ten seconds, please.

Everyone on this. Ten seconds.

I would be running by now...away.

Seven, six...

He's going to do it.

Quiet on the floor! Four, three...

TOGETHER: Willkommen!

Willkommen to Popmusik!

We are so excited,

so please welcome live in London, Jonny X!

MUSIC STARTS

Energy, guys.

What's this guy's nerves made of? He is actually smiling for the cameras, he is.

# Hey, hey, Papa, give me your loving!

# Cos I'm gonna give you something

# Hey, hey, Papa, gonna give you something. #

He's actually enjoying himself.

As far as he's concerned, on live TV,

singing a song he's never heard from a pop star who doesn't exist.

# Hey, hey, Papa! #

Louder, please, louder.

BAD SONG CONTINUES

HE MUMBLES

# Schnell, schnell It's gonna drive you crazy

# I think I'm in love, I think I'm in love

# With you... #

I can't believe we got that.

We threw everything at him that we could and he didn't even break a sweat,

and here's his mate Warren to tell him it's all been a big set-up.

You've been on BBC1's Richard Hammond's Secret Service.

I think he deserves a massive round of applause.

Guys, let's all do the bum wiggle!

Scott came to the studio today to fix a leaky roof,

but ended up passing himself off as Germany's number one fake pop star in style.

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-Ain't no stopping, let's get rocking!

And rock he did...

Jonny X!

..rounding the day off by performing live on TV across Europe.

We set out to embarrass him...

and we failed miserably.

It's a £65 call-out charge.

That is...

That is Secret Service's missions complete for another week.

What have we learnt?

Well, we've learnt that putting a big bum on someone's house isn't all it's CRACKED up to be...

Yeah.

..and a talking dog is nothing to worry about,

although barking people should still be avoided,

and that pretty much anyone can get a No.1 in Germany.

Case closed.

But let's not forget, ladies and gentlemen,

one last thing to do and it's the most important -

a massive round of applause, please, for the real stars of the show.

APPLAUSE

Come on out. Come on out.

Until next time, citizens, take care.

If you have a mission for the Secret Service and would like to apply,

then visit...

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd