2011 Ruth Jones


2011

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Transcript


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So inoffensive, she's offensive,

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ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host -

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the fabulous Ruth Jones!

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# So here she is, merry Christmas

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# Everybody's having fun

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# Look to the future

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# She's only just begun. #

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Aww!

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Hello and welcome to my Christmas Cracker.

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We've got a real festive feast for you on the show tonight.

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Cockney comedy king, Micky Flanagan.

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APPLAUSE

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All-singing all-dancing living legend, Lulu.

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Music from the brilliant Manic Street Preachers.

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And in a second, I'll be reunited with my dear friend,

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the fabulous James Corden.

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Hey, what do you think about my house band?

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And the fantastic Segue Sisters!

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Now, my first guest is an immensely talented actor, writer, presenter and electrician.

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LAUGHTER

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Please welcome my dear, dear, friend, James Corden.

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# Whatever I said Whatever I did

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# I didn't mean it

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# I just want you back for good

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# Want you back, want you back

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# Want you back for good

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# Whenever I'm wrong Just tell me the song

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# And I'll sing it

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# You'll be right and understood

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# Want you back, want you back

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# I want you back for good. #

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Do you know what?

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It's come to something when I have to invite you as a guest

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onto my chat show in order to sit on the sofa and have a little catch-up.

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I saw you last week!

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See, he won't join in.

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-No, no...

-But I saw you for how long last week?

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-Only about half an hour.

-Exactly. We used to spend hours together.

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I know. It is weird, isn't it?

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At the moment, you are in his hit show in the West End,

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One Man, Two Guvnors.

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If you haven't seen it, it's amazing. Have a look at this.

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I'm my own worst enemy. Stop being negative.

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I'm not, I'm being realistic. I'll screw it up, I always do.

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Who screws it up? You! You're the role model for idiots everywhere.

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Me?! You're nothing without me, you're the cock-up.

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Don't you call me a cock-up, you cock-up!

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LAUGHTER

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You slapped me! Yes, I did, and I'm glad I did because...

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Oh, that hurts! Good! Because you started it.

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Argh! No!

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APPLAUSE

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It's so incredibly physical, that's the thing I can't get over.

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-I mean, are you covered in bruises?

-Yeah. It's not all like that.

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There are other people in it.

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It hurts, every night. It does.

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I come on stage and within two minutes I've to roll over the back of a sofa.

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There's that, there's a lot of running.

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My legs often hurt, but they never really hurt when I'm doing it.

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When I'm doing it, it's just great.

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I'd be amazed if I ever play a better part.

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It's an amazing role and he is superb in it.

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I'm not just saying it, he's absolutely incredible in it.

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Is it true you accepted it without even reading the play?

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Nicholas Hytner, Sir Nicholas Hytner, I should say,

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who directed a play I was in called The History Boys and is artistic director of the National Theatre...

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So weird me telling you this when you know all of the answers to all of these questions.

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You know all of the answers! It's the weirdest thing.

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It's like you've been in a coma

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and I'm having to retrain your brain to make us friends again.

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Yeah, and he called and said, "Do you want to do a play next year at the National Theatre?"

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I said, "Yes".

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You know, he said, "Do you not want to know what it is?"

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I said, well... The truth is, I figure if you're an actor in Britain

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and you get to work at the National Theatre, particularly with him,

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then you're the luckiest in the country.

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So, next year in April, we go to Broadway and we'll do the play there.

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And of course you're going to New York under different circumstances from last time,

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because you'll be going as a dad this time.

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-Yes!

-James has become a father!

-Yes.

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APPLAUSE

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-It's...

-How's that turning out for you?

-It's great, it's brilliant.

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I have to say, because I'm very proud of this,

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James and Jules have asked me to be godmother to baby Max.

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AUDIENCE: Ah!

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And I've been thinking about it.

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I'm just wondering what you expect of me as a godmother.

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It's mostly financial.

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LAUGHTER

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As Max starts to speak, he may start asking you quite awkward questions

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and so I've written a few questions down to see,

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just to give you a little bit of preparation, so you're ready with the answers.

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-OK.

-So I just thought, this is the kind of thing he might ask you.

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Daddy, where do babies come from?

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You should talk to your mum about that.

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LAUGHTER

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Daddy, why is water wet?

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LAUGHTER

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You should talk to your mum about that.

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LAUGHTER

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What's GDP expressed as a percentage of average earnings?

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Average earnings? You should talk to your godmother about that.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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And, Daddy, will they do another episode of Gavin and Stacey?

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AUDIENCE: Yes!

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Well, here's the thing...

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I've looked at the prices of your schools, probably yes. No!

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CHEERING

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Actually... The thing is that we do get asked that a lot, don't we?

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We're always being asked is there going to be any more Gavin and Stacey.

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It's lovely to be asked it.

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I always find it funny, because I always say the same thing, which is true.

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-Which is that...

-..we haven't had any time.

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I think the thing is, it's a big thing.

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It's a big thing to go back to it.

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The worst thing that could happen is

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we ruin this thing that we're both are so proud of.

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I think we sort of decided that we wouldn't write a series

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because it's gone on such a journey, hasn't it?

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So, if we were to go back, it would only be for a special.

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Yeah, I mean, I'm up for it, if you are.

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-Yeah, shall we, then?

-Yes!

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No, I think we will. I think, yeah.

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CHEERING

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You know that I'm quite keen to do a musical.

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I think the musical version of Gavin and Stacey is a good idea.

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-I really do.

-I don't think you're serious, I think you're saying this for comic effect.

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-No, I do!

-You would sit and write a Gavin and Stacey musical

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-and we'd do it in the West End or something?

-Definitely.

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What would the story be?

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-We'll get something!

-Where would the houses be? What about the cars?

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-What about, you know what I mean?

-That's the magic of theatre!

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We'll get the audience to help us.

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Give us a location or a scene between Smithy and Nessa from Gavin and Stacey.

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-On the island!

-On the island. OK.

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And now give me a reason why Smithy and Nessa should get together.

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-Because they love each other!

-They don't love each other!

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Have you ever seen it?!

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They have great sex.

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Because they have great sex? OK. All right.

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We're going to go over there and join our band

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and see if we can come up with a song that catches.

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This will either be a brilliant idea or the worst thing we ever do.

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-Absolutely. Absolutely. Come on.

-OK.

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APPLAUSE

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Right, here we go.

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I feel like I'm on Whose Line Is It Anyway?

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-Just get us in mood, in the scene, in character.

-This is a bad idea!

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-I can't remember how to do her.

-Do some Nessa, go on.

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-Oh, what's occurring?

-Ah!

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Can you do some Smithy? You've done Smithy quite recently.

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-I do it all the time.

-Yeah.

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-All right, Smithy, what's occurring?

-All right?

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What you doing on the island?

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# This and that I'm doing this and that

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# It's none of your business

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# Get out of my face

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# I don't know what you're doing here, you're on my land

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# This is my place This is my territory

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# Don't go on about it!

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# I just came down to see the boy

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# The boy loves you, no doubt

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# He loves you, no doubt

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# He looks at you and he says My dad, I love you

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# But he's a Welsh boy... #

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-Oh, don't give me that!

-# He's a Welsh boy... #

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He's English!

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# He don't want none of your Essex crap! #

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-OK...

-What will we do?

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A different tune?

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-Let's have a mood change, have a mood change.

-A dark one.

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About all that Essex....

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# Gavlar, oh, Gavlar

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# I miss you since you've moved down to Wales

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-# Gavlar, I'm stuck with Pamela

-Pamela

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# And Mick and you're down there with those sheep-shaggers... #

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LAUGHTER

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# What is this place called Billericay?

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# It's full of people who are called Nicky... #

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Eh?

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# They're very hard and they're all very tricky... #

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Not hard!

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# I don't want my boy growing up to be like that. #

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Twat.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Oh, dear!

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We have to talk about the other big thing you've done this year, which is your autobiography.

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Yeah.

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James Corden: May I Have Your Attention Please?

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Brilliant title. And a fantastic read, I have to say.

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Well I was touched that you read it.

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-Were you?

-I really was.

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-Can I be honest, first of all...

-Flick read it?

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-No, I read it.

-But you looked at your bits first.

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I flicked to look at my bits, what has he said about me?

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And then I got engrossed.

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You didn't put in the story about the squirrel, about when you dressed up as a squirrel.

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I wanted to, I adore that.

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It was a harvest festival and so we all had to dress up

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as different animals and we were going to march through the town

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and I said, "Mum, I've got to be a squirrel.

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"In two weeks, I've got to be a squirrel."

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Two weeks came by and the night before I went,

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"Mum, have you made my squirrel outfit?" She just went...

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And I knew, from the look on her face that this was the first time

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she'd thought about the squirrel outfit since the last time.

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Cut to me in a brown jumper...

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..a pair of my sister's brown leggings...

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Right?

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Shoe polish on my nose with whiskers like this

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and then my mum,

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the final insult to injury,

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my mum got a pair of her tights... I don't know what...

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A pair of her tights and put one leg inside the other

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and put rolled-up pairs of jeans

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in the tights and safety-pinned them to my arse.

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So, all I had was like...

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what could only have looked like a huge poo,

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dragging on the floor and my own trainers, white trainers.

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I turn up to school,

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some of them had big bushy tails with wire in

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and little paws.

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I was just in a brown tracksuit and it was dragging on the floor.

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It was so bad that even the bullies,

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who would have jumped on an opportunity like that,

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were looking at me, going,

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"His mum's dome him over there."

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LAUGHTER

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You know what I mean?

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It's been lovely to chat with you, because I don't get to that often,

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so it has been nice.

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Have you got any ambitions that you still want to achieve?

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Honestly?

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To write something else with you.

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-Aww!

-Truly. I...

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APPLAUSE

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I would like to do a special of Gavin on Stacey

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but to get back into a room and try and think of some characters and a story

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and try and tell it

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as well as we told the last one.

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-That's what I'd like to do.

-That's lovely. I hope we get to do that too.

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James Corden, thank you so much.

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APPLAUSE

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My next guest has gone from being a Billingsgate fish porter to a sell-out stand-up.

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Before we meet him, let's have a look at him in action.

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Is there a young man in this room?

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You don't realise what men of my age have had to put up with.

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We've seen everything change.

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We caught the fag end of when men were in charge. Properly in charge.

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I've got a pair of bollocks and a day job, I must be in charge!

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They used to walk about doing nothing,

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go round in their pants.

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They'd come home, they put the money on the table

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and walked about in their pants.

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My old man did nothing.

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If he shut the cupboard door, he thought it was helping out.

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Shut that door for you, Sylvie!

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I'm going down the pub for a week.

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Micky Flanagan, ladies and gentlemen.

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# Oh, Mickey, you're so fine You're so fine, you blow my mind

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# Hey, Mickey!

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# Oh, Mickey, what a pity You don't understand

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# You take me by the heart When you take me by the hand

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# Oh, Mickey, you're so pretty Can't you understand?

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# It's guys like you, Mickey What you do, Mickey

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# Do, Mickey Don't break my heart, Mickey! #

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Thank you.

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You're looking fantastic.

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Oh, thanks. My mum got me ready.

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Really?

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Done a better job than your mum. Sounds a bit lazy, doesn't she?

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-You're hugely successful now.

-Yeah, I know.

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Your tour has been record-breaking

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and your ticket was the fastest-selling comedy ticket

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-since Eddie Izzard's live tour four years ago?

-It's amazing, isn't it?

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If it carries on, I'm going to sign off.

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I am. It's been murder getting back every other Tuesday.

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When the helicopter lands on top of the unemployment benefit office,

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it's causing a bit of suspicion.

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LAUGHTER

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At what point did you kind of go, "Oh, I've made it"?

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Or do you not feel like that?

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I went to my local DIY shop, and I bought a plunger for a fiver.

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The geezer went, "I saw you on the telly, give us three quid."

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I thought, "This is all working out, this."

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-Do you get recognised a lot?

-I was in Brighton a couple of weeks ago

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and we took my little boy down there. I put him on these motorbike things, you know?

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I'm standing there, a bloke came over and went, "Can I have a photograph, mate?"

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"Yeah, all right." I looked at my friends, I'm like that. "Showbiz, you know?"

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Two minutes later, a bloke came over to me and went,

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"I've just put 50p in one of the bikes, mate, they're not working."

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I was like, "I don't work here, mate."

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Do you find now you're meeting all sorts of people?

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-Do you ever get starstruck by people you meet?

-I met Kevin McCloud the other week.

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Isn't it strange, the people you think, he's really thrown me?

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-I've been watching him for years.

-On Grand Designs?

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In our house, he's a god. The highlight of our week

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is if we stumble onto an episode of Grand Designs we haven't seen, me and the wife.

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Oh! The tension in the room, it builds and builds.

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It's just as good when it's one you HAVE seen. And you know that they've made a really great house.

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It's nice because, if you ain't seen it, it's always, "Ooh, is the glass going to turn up?"

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You look at each other halfway through, "I can't take it, babe."

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"All the way from Germany in two weeks?

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"If that glass don't turn up before winter, the whole thing is going to be ruined."

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Kevin McCloud, when I met him I said, "I'm really pleased to meet you."

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You say something stupid. "I've done my house up, you know." And he goes...

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I have to mention your DVD. Again, fantastic.

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-It's brilliant.

-We can't even discuss this, but I do love your theory

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behind why there are so many teenage pregnancies these days,

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compared to previous years.

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Less foreplay now. Or what our parents would call heavy petting.

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Basically, fingering's disappeared, innit?

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-It has. That's the truth of the matter.

-Kids are not interested.

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"Leave it out, I ain't fingering her! I ain't wasting my time fingering!"

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It's true. It's absolutely true. When I was at school, it was all about fingering.

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LAUGHTER

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No-one was thinking about sex. Not until we got to college.

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At school, you'd just come in the next day.

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"How'd you get on?" "Fingered her."

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You also talk about titting her up?

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Obviously you've got to do your titting-up time.

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It can be anywhere from three to six months.

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Starting off over the jumper. Then you get under the jumper.

0:19:040:19:09

-But above the bra?

-Sometimes above the coat, if it's winter.

0:19:090:19:12

Eventually, you get to hold the tit. You don't know what to do with a tit. You walk home in a daze.

0:19:140:19:19

"I've held a tit..."

0:19:190:19:21

It just makes me think that kids,

0:19:210:19:24

it all goes through it too quickly, you know? I didn't have sex till I was, like, 27.

0:19:240:19:29

LAUGHTER

0:19:290:19:31

Let's talk about where you started off.

0:19:330:19:35

You've come to comedy a bit late in life.

0:19:350:19:39

I'm not a big rusher.

0:19:390:19:40

You started off as a fish porter in Billingsgate market.

0:19:400:19:44

Yeah, my first job was as a Billingsgate fish porter.

0:19:440:19:48

That was me at 17.

0:19:480:19:50

And you earned quite a lot of money doing it, didn't you?

0:19:500:19:53

-I did, in 1980 I was earning £250 a week.

-That was a lot.

0:19:530:19:58

Cor. Talk about a catch!

0:19:580:20:01

"I'm going to the pub, What do you want, babe? You want one? Give everyone a drink."

0:20:030:20:08

That was a lot. I had a Saturday job, I used to earn seven quid for a Saturday.

0:20:080:20:12

-And that was in, like, 1984.

-I know.

-So you was loaded.

0:20:120:20:16

We used to call it footballers' wages.

0:20:160:20:18

-You also do a wonderful cockney walk.

-I do.

0:20:180:20:21

I just wondered whether you would share it with our lovely audience.

0:20:210:20:26

You want it to try and catch on, is that what you'd like?

0:20:260:20:29

-Yeah, because we don't really have a walk in Wales.

-Do you not?

0:20:290:20:33

No. My friend, Gillian, she does the walk of a woman

0:20:330:20:35

who looks like she's just baked a sponge.

0:20:350:20:37

Oh, all right. Let me just give that one a little try.

0:20:370:20:41

What's the point? You bake a sponge cake.

0:20:410:20:43

No-one comes round.

0:20:430:20:46

-Oi-oi!

-A few little props, there.

0:20:480:20:50

Fish? You know about fish?

0:20:500:20:54

It can be very dangerous if it's not fresh.

0:20:540:20:57

The things to look out for are the very bright eyes.

0:20:570:21:00

Clear, healthy, firm skin. Not too smelly.

0:21:000:21:05

Same sort of criteria you would use for a one-night stand.

0:21:050:21:09

LAUGHTER

0:21:090:21:11

So, the Cockney's got a few walks. I'll take you through the main three.

0:21:110:21:15

Right? Your first one is your casual Cockney walk.

0:21:150:21:19

This is just your Cockney walking about.

0:21:190:21:21

Nothing special going on, just walking about.

0:21:230:21:26

This tends to attract women.

0:21:260:21:28

Women start looking over and think, "He looks reliable.

0:21:300:21:34

"I bet he'd come home every now and then, that one."

0:21:340:21:38

Just a casual, Cockney walk. There is a slightly tougher one.

0:21:390:21:44

If the Cockney feels threatened, he will widen slightly.

0:21:440:21:48

This is when the Cockney is under threat. The gait will widen.

0:21:500:21:54

The head will drop a bit. Just a bit wider.

0:21:540:21:59

The third one is for when a Cockney is busy. Which he is, sometimes.

0:22:020:22:07

Not very often.

0:22:070:22:09

This is just slightly more with the shoulders.

0:22:090:22:12

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:22:120:22:15

Thank you!

0:22:170:22:18

Were you the class clown? They always say, oh, he was the class clown

0:22:240:22:28

-and then he became a stand-up comedian. Was that the case with you?

-Everyone was a clown.

0:22:280:22:32

Everyone did whatever they could. The chief things in school were to try to get the teacher to cry

0:22:320:22:37

or attack another pupil.

0:22:370:22:40

This was the genuine aim of the pupil.

0:22:400:22:44

If we could just get him to break down

0:22:440:22:46

or possibly attack one of the weaker children.

0:22:460:22:49

In metalwork, once, what I thought would be really funny,

0:22:490:22:52

is every time the metalwork teacher finished a sentence, I went, "Mmmm."

0:22:520:22:57

Oh, it was killing. I was getting massive laughs.

0:22:570:23:02

The metalwork teacher, nice fellow, Mr Filmer. In his 50s, 60s.

0:23:020:23:06

Decent, good bloke. He just walked past - BOSH.

0:23:060:23:10

Decked me, on the floor. I went "Uhhhgh..."

0:23:100:23:15

And he went, "Mmmm."

0:23:150:23:17

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:23:170:23:20

We're laughing away at child abuse here, aren't we?

0:23:220:23:26

Teachers could do that, then. It would never have occurred to me to go home and say,

0:23:260:23:29

"Mum, I'm only having a laugh today, right? The teacher's gone right up and floored me."

0:23:290:23:34

She'd have gone, "Oh, did he? You dickhead."

0:23:340:23:37

What were your classmates like? Was there a lot of ambition?

0:23:370:23:40

No, school was somewhere they sent us before we went to work.

0:23:400:23:45

I've said many times, the careers officer turned up,

0:23:450:23:48

Christ knows what he thought he was doing.

0:23:480:23:51

He asked us what we wanted to do with our lives.

0:23:510:23:54

This is the absolute truth, the most ambitious kid in the class

0:23:540:23:57

was a kid called Gary Utton, because he wanted to drive a van.

0:23:570:24:01

"I'm going to drive a van."

0:24:020:24:06

Where were all like, "You dreamer, Utton!

0:24:060:24:08

"You ain't going to drive a van, man!"

0:24:080:24:11

"You know why is it. We is here to carry the stuff TO the van."

0:24:110:24:16

I trained to be a teacher, I don't know if you know.

0:24:160:24:20

I went back in at the other end and realised what a tough job it is.

0:24:200:24:24

The kids are just... Kids are kids and you've got to keep control of them.

0:24:240:24:28

But I was more immature than them, you know?

0:24:280:24:32

Walking down the corridor, fat kid falls over, I'm on him like a shot!

0:24:320:24:35

BUNDLE!

0:24:350:24:37

Bundles! Wouldn't it be amazing if bundles still happened now?

0:24:420:24:46

I honestly think the world would be a better place

0:24:460:24:49

where, if anybody slipped over or fell over,

0:24:490:24:52

it was the law that they have to be bundled.

0:24:520:24:55

Not just in street life, but say if someone went over in the Houses of Parliament.

0:24:550:25:01

Bundle! Or at the Royal Wedding.

0:25:010:25:04

In. Bundle.

0:25:040:25:06

I'll clear it up for people. A bundle is a pile-on.

0:25:060:25:09

I know it's slightly different. It should be kept into adult life.

0:25:090:25:15

-I am SO with you on this.

-Let's start a campaign for the bundle.

0:25:150:25:19

-Bundling is a lost art.

-Yeah.

0:25:190:25:22

There's no reason why we shouldn't do it as adults.

0:25:220:25:25

If you were at the bottom of a bundle, it gave the chance for even the weedier kids to come up

0:25:250:25:30

and give you a sly kick in the head. It's their little moment in the sun, you know?

0:25:300:25:35

When I was in school, I was head girl.

0:25:350:25:37

I'm not going to lie, I'm not going to be ashamed, I was head girl.

0:25:370:25:40

-There's me, there. I look like I've just baked a sponge there, don't I?

-You do.

0:25:400:25:44

James, do you think you and I would have got on in school?

0:25:440:25:47

Well, we would have got on because of the school play.

0:25:470:25:50

We'd have got on for about six weeks a year.

0:25:500:25:53

I think I would have gone more for Micky.

0:25:530:25:56

He was more my age group.

0:25:560:25:57

And also I would have gone for his fashion sense, I think.

0:25:570:26:01

-Look at that!

-Sweet.

0:26:010:26:03

There wasn't one single natural fibre in that jumper.

0:26:030:26:06

I used to internally combust.

0:26:080:26:11

My mum would try and put that jumper on me.

0:26:110:26:14

I'd go, "Mum, I'll be hot in about three seconds."

0:26:140:26:17

"Go on, put that on. You'll be all right."

0:26:170:26:20

James, your acting started in school, didn't it, in the nativity play?

0:26:200:26:24

Yes, I was Innkeeper Number One. Which is rubbish. The worst of the innkeepers.

0:26:240:26:29

-Did you not have lines?

-There were no lines, there was a narrator.

0:26:290:26:33

It was one of the older kids who said, "Mary and Joseph had to go back to Bethlehem."

0:26:330:26:37

The two walk across the stage. All I had to do was have a pretend door. I had to go...

0:26:370:26:42

Like that. Right?

0:26:430:26:45

When I got told, I'd been thinking about the school play for ages

0:26:450:26:48

because what I really wanted to do was obviously play Joseph.

0:26:480:26:51

But that went to Matt Peddle. Fair enough, he's older than me.

0:26:510:26:55

Joseph was probably older than me, that's how I rationalised it.

0:26:550:26:59

-He had a beard?

-Yeah. I said to my mum one day, driving home,

0:26:590:27:02

I knew the Nativity would start rehearsing the next week.

0:27:020:27:05

I said, "What other people were in the stable when Jesus was born?"

0:27:050:27:10

She didn't say squirrel, did she?

0:27:100:27:13

She said, "Well, why don't you listen to the Christmas carols

0:27:160:27:19

and that will tell you everyone who was there."

0:27:190:27:22

I thought, yeah. I got home and listened to various Christmas carols.

0:27:220:27:28

I said, "I want to play Round John Virgin."

0:27:280:27:30

On my life. She said, "What do you mean?"

0:27:350:27:38

I said, "Round John virgin." I sang it, you know.

0:27:380:27:42

# Silent night

0:27:420:27:45

# Holy night

0:27:450:27:46

# All is calm

0:27:460:27:48

# All is bright

0:27:480:27:49

# Round John Virgin

0:27:490:27:51

# Mother and child... #

0:27:510:27:53

I thought, he's right by the mother and child, he's a prominent player.

0:27:530:27:58

-He sounds hip, as well, doesn't he?

-Round John Virgin.

0:27:580:28:01

Yeah, man. "Have you been to see Round John Virgin? He's really good."

0:28:010:28:05

What's Christmas like for you? Do you do something different every year?

0:28:050:28:09

I'll be drunk for most of it. I like Christmas. It's the only time you can have a glass of Champagne

0:28:090:28:14

-at 9:30 in the morning.

-And people frown upon you if you don't.

0:28:140:28:16

-They go, "Drink?" You go, "No, I'm all right."

-"Come on, it's Christmas!"

0:28:160:28:20

"Party pooper!"

0:28:200:28:23

It's very much my wife's mum comes round and she cooks the dinner.

0:28:230:28:28

She's a really nice woman. She is a psychiatrist and she is serenity personified.

0:28:280:28:34

I've been with her when we've been in car accidents.

0:28:340:28:36

I've been to her home when it's been burgled.

0:28:360:28:39

She just goes, "Part of life."

0:28:390:28:42

She came around to do the dinner the other day and I heard her say,

0:28:420:28:46

"Oh, you WANKER!"

0:28:460:28:48

I went in and went, "Hillary, what's the matter?"

0:28:480:28:51

She went, "The cauliflower cheese has not browned off."

0:28:510:28:54

LAUGHTER

0:28:540:28:57

That's what broke her, the cauliflower cheese.

0:28:570:29:00

She'd got to such a pitch that she took it out the oven.

0:29:000:29:03

She was like, "WANKER!"

0:29:030:29:05

You've got your little boy, how will you keep him entertained at Christmas?

0:29:050:29:09

I'm going to be really creative, think things through, put him in front of the telly.

0:29:090:29:13

Can I tell you a little story? It's a little bit odd.

0:29:150:29:18

You know, I was watching the news when the Gaddafi thing was going on.

0:29:180:29:22

It was horrible footage. And my wife brought him in from school.

0:29:220:29:26

And I went to the toilet,

0:29:260:29:27

and when I come back he's watching the Gaddafi story.

0:29:270:29:30

And he was all a little bit shaken up.

0:29:300:29:32

He said, "Daddy, what has that man done?"

0:29:320:29:34

So I said, "Well, the thing is, son,

0:29:340:29:36

"that crowd just found out that, when he was a little boy,

0:29:360:29:39

"he used to get his parents up really early in the morning."

0:29:390:29:41

LAUGHTER

0:29:410:29:44

"Um, they're not having it, son.

0:29:440:29:46

"They're not having it."

0:29:460:29:49

He said, "I think I'll take some colouring to bed with me tonight."

0:29:490:29:54

I said, "Now you're thinking, son!"

0:29:540:29:55

-What's next for you at the moment?

-I'm going to write the book, they've just asked me to write the book.

0:29:550:30:02

-An autobiography?

-Yeah.

0:30:020:30:04

I'm going to have to be very careful,

0:30:040:30:06

or it's going to end up being called Supergrass!

0:30:060:30:10

LAUGHTER

0:30:100:30:12

Every East End faction's going to be straight, "If he's grassed me up, I'll have his legs!"

0:30:120:30:18

It's going to be... I'm going to enjoy doing it,

0:30:180:30:21

because I think people are interested.

0:30:210:30:23

You do something really well, and people go,

0:30:230:30:25

"Could you just fill in the gaps for us?"

0:30:250:30:28

So that's what... I'm looking forward to it.

0:30:280:30:30

I look forward to reading it, when it's written.

0:30:300:30:33

Ladies and gentlemen, Micky Flanagan!

0:30:330:30:35

Thank you.

0:30:350:30:37

APPLAUSE

0:30:370:30:38

My next guest has been a huge star for five decades

0:30:380:30:42

and we're really excited to have her on the show.

0:30:420:30:45

Ladies and gentlemen, please give a massive Welsh welcome to Lulu!

0:30:450:30:48

APPLAUSE

0:30:480:30:49

# You can dance

0:30:490:30:51

# You can jive

0:30:510:30:54

# Having the time of your life

0:30:540:30:57

# Ooh-ooh, see that girl

0:30:570:31:00

# Watch that scene Digging the dancing queen

0:31:000:31:06

# Digging the dancing queen

0:31:060:31:10

# Digging the dancing queen! #

0:31:100:31:14

APPLAUSE

0:31:140:31:16

Can I say, your achievements,

0:31:170:31:19

there's not enough room to write them down. It's just amazing.

0:31:190:31:22

A child star at the age of 15.

0:31:220:31:24

You've released more than 20 albums and 70 singles.

0:31:240:31:28

You've sung the theme tune to a James Bond film,

0:31:280:31:30

won the Eurovision Song contest, and hosted a chat show.

0:31:300:31:33

Ever look at yourself and think, "Mm, could've done a bit more?!"

0:31:330:31:37

Lazy!

0:31:390:31:41

Yeah, definitely. I've just been sitting on my laurels.

0:31:420:31:46

Absolutely incredible career.

0:31:460:31:48

-The crazy thing is, though, I still think there's more to do.

-Good.

0:31:480:31:53

I'm just not the kind of person who does think that it's over.

0:31:530:31:57

We haven't had enough of her, yet, have we?

0:31:570:32:01

15 when you started.

0:32:010:32:03

It must've been quite a scary environment for a 15-year-old girl.

0:32:030:32:07

I wanted to be an R&B singer, rock 'n'roll,

0:32:070:32:10

I did not want to be a pop singer.

0:32:100:32:13

I tried to be true to myself

0:32:130:32:16

and then worked with record executives and producers

0:32:160:32:19

and management people who thought I should do certain things.

0:32:190:32:22

I disagreed with them.

0:32:220:32:23

That was very tough for me personally,

0:32:230:32:26

and I would go home and cry all the time.

0:32:260:32:29

"I don't want to do this." But I would sort of do it.

0:32:290:32:31

But you knew your own mind at that age.

0:32:310:32:33

You knew what you wanted to do.

0:32:330:32:35

Yes, I did, but it's hard when you're 15, very hard.

0:32:350:32:38

But of course, a lot of the things that I was guided to do

0:32:380:32:42

that maybe I initially didn't want to do, were successful.

0:32:420:32:46

So I clocked that. I think I learned a lot

0:32:460:32:49

from being in the business at such a young age.

0:32:490:32:53

-You're from Glasgow originally.

-Yes.

-My Welsh accent comes and goes.

0:32:530:32:58

Does your Scottish accent come and go?

0:32:580:33:00

As soon as I hear him talk Cockney, I want to go right into it,

0:33:000:33:03

when I was in To Sir, With Love, a film I did when I was 16,

0:33:030:33:07

I had (ACCENT THICKENS) a very thick Scottish accent.

0:33:070:33:11

And the whole thing was set in the East End of London,

0:33:110:33:15

so, the first week of filming,

0:33:150:33:17

I decided, "I'm going to get this accent."

0:33:170:33:20

"(COCKNEY) I wanna talk like 'em! I am not gonna to talk like I do!"

0:33:200:33:23

Because that'll make me different.

0:33:230:33:25

So, I realised quite quickly I could do accents.

0:33:250:33:27

You mentioned To Sir, With Love. That was a big influence on you, wasn't it, that film?

0:33:270:33:32

When I was thinking about being a schoolteacher,

0:33:320:33:35

those films rung in my mind, the ones where you win the kids over,

0:33:350:33:40

you know, Sydney Poit-ier! Which is how you have to say it.

0:33:400:33:43

Sidney Poit-ier.

0:33:430:33:45

Poit-ee-ay!

0:33:450:33:47

You can't say "Sydney Pottah", as I think Del Boy did once.

0:33:470:33:51

It was based on an East End school,

0:33:510:33:54

and I thought I was going to go in and be like Sidney Poitier.

0:33:540:33:59

But it didn't work like that.

0:33:590:34:01

One of 'em done a pooh in my desk!

0:34:010:34:03

LAUGHTER

0:34:030:34:05

-You've worked with some incredible names in your time. The Beatles!

-A long time!

0:34:050:34:11

-Tom Jones.

-Yes, Tom.

-Michael Caine. What was it like?

0:34:110:34:16

I know you've worked with James. The best, obviously.

0:34:160:34:20

A baby!

0:34:200:34:22

It was called "Whatever Happened To Harold Smith?"

0:34:220:34:24

And I played Lulu's love interest.

0:34:240:34:28

-Did you?

-Yeah.

-Really?

-I played her son's best friend.

0:34:280:34:31

Were you a MILF?!

0:34:310:34:32

A MILF? What?! What?

0:34:320:34:36

-Did you have to kiss and everything?

-No, I had to squeeze Lulu's bum.

0:34:360:34:39

Oh! A little bit was left to the imagination,

0:34:390:34:43

which is the way I kind of like it, don't you? I like that.

0:34:430:34:46

More interesting. No, no, in the film, I mean.

0:34:460:34:50

There was nothing explicit!

0:34:500:34:52

We spoke earlier about being starstruck by people you work with,

0:34:520:34:56

so when you work with people like the Beatles, were you overwhelmed?

0:34:560:35:00

I was, I was just 15.

0:35:000:35:01

But they were so nice to me.

0:35:010:35:03

I mean, everyone I worked with, whether it was Jimi Hendrix

0:35:030:35:08

or The Who, or The Beatles or The Stones,

0:35:080:35:11

they use to pat me on the head. I was a little adult.

0:35:110:35:16

I know you've been asked about where the name Lulu comes from

0:35:160:35:19

millions of times,

0:35:190:35:20

but I bet you've never been asked in Welsh, so, here goes.

0:35:200:35:24

Mae diddordeb 'da fi mewn enwau, o ble mae'r enw, Lulu, yn dod?

0:35:240:35:31

AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

0:35:310:35:32

That's beautiful.

0:35:320:35:34

Beautiful.

0:35:340:35:37

Where does it come from?

0:35:370:35:38

My manager, the woman who discovered me when I was 15,

0:35:380:35:42

said I was a lulu of a kid, I think it's an American expression.

0:35:420:35:46

It means somebody's great.

0:35:460:35:47

Can I just say, as well, in bingo, if you go, "House!"

0:35:470:35:53

And they come over and check your numbers,

0:35:530:35:55

and they're wrong, it's a lulu.

0:35:550:35:57

LULU CACKLES

0:35:570:35:58

I think he's lying!

0:35:580:36:01

And often, the woman will be checking and she goes, "Sorry, lulu!"

0:36:010:36:05

Everyone goes, "Aww, lulu!"

0:36:050:36:07

I went out with a girl once who called her...a lulu.

0:36:070:36:11

Really?

0:36:110:36:13

I'd say, "Where are you?"

0:36:130:36:15

She'd say, "I'm off to get my lulu waxed."

0:36:150:36:18

No!

0:36:180:36:19

-I'm not a big Strictly fan, I don't follow it that well.

-Neither did I.

0:36:200:36:25

-But you did incredibly well. You did incredibly well.

-Thank you!

0:36:250:36:29

I've always loved to dance. My brothers, my sister, my parents.

0:36:290:36:33

My parents met in a dance hall.

0:36:330:36:36

We all love to dance, but I did Comic Relief Let's Dance, this year,

0:36:360:36:40

and I did Soulja Boy, I did a hip-hop dance,

0:36:400:36:43

I had so much fun, and I had been asked to do Strictly before

0:36:430:36:47

but at this point, I think I was lulled into a false sense of security

0:36:470:36:51

and thought, "Well, maybe I could probably do that, aye!"

0:36:510:36:56

So, you're glad, you're glad you did it?

0:36:560:37:00

I would do it again.

0:37:000:37:02

For the absolute exhilaration and the physical adrenaline that,

0:37:020:37:07

you know, learning. I wanted to learn to dance.

0:37:070:37:11

And I thought, "Well, I've got a chance",

0:37:110:37:14

and I think I was in there for about six weeks.

0:37:140:37:16

-You did incredibly, amazing.

-I really enjoyed it.

0:37:160:37:20

APPLAUSE

0:37:200:37:21

Do you think that, as a Scot, that, er,

0:37:230:37:26

I always want to call it Mahogmanay!

0:37:260:37:28

LAUGHTER

0:37:280:37:30

I like that! I'm going to do that from now on. Mahogmanay!

0:37:300:37:33

Do you think Hogmanay is more important than Christmas?

0:37:330:37:36

I don't know if it's more important, I think to a lot of Scots,

0:37:360:37:40

it is, yes. As a child, we used to have Christmas, it was for the kids.

0:37:400:37:44

I know a lot of it is for the kids,

0:37:440:37:46

but basically, it was absolutely for the kids.

0:37:460:37:48

And then you did nothing but wash, clean and cook

0:37:480:37:53

and get everything ready, but they go mental up there.

0:37:530:37:56

(SCOTTISH ACCENT) they go mental! We're all going Scottish, now!

0:37:560:38:00

It's true, it's true.

0:38:000:38:02

Nobody celebrates Hogmanay the way they do in Scotland.

0:38:020:38:05

-I think it's to do with drinking.

-Do you? No!

0:38:050:38:07

I noticed when I was up there last time,

0:38:070:38:10

when I was coming out the pub at six in the morning.

0:38:100:38:13

And someone passed me and called me a lightweight!

0:38:130:38:15

LAUGHTER

0:38:150:38:16

What are you doing for Christmas this year?

0:38:160:38:18

-My obsession right now is my granddaughter.

-Aw! How old is she?

0:38:180:38:22

She'll be two, on the 29th.

0:38:220:38:24

So, last year, she was a baby,

0:38:240:38:26

but this year, it's like,

0:38:260:38:29

"Nana!" - because she calls me Nana - "Come on, hurry up!"

0:38:290:38:32

So I am the best friend.

0:38:330:38:36

I'm in the house, I'm crawling around, I mean,

0:38:360:38:39

I am agile but this is...

0:38:390:38:42

Strictly was nothing compared to running around with Isabella.

0:38:420:38:46

Before we finish, we've done a special little thing for you.

0:38:460:38:50

You got your iconic opening to the song, Shout.

0:38:500:38:53

Which is that, em,

0:38:530:38:55

# We-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-elll... #

0:38:550:39:00

Very good!

0:39:000:39:01

APPLAUSE

0:39:010:39:02

You know what you looked like then?

0:39:020:39:06

Like that sponge had come out really well.

0:39:060:39:08

If someone just tuned in at that moment, they would go,

0:39:080:39:12

"Oh, the TV's jumping again!"

0:39:120:39:13

"We-e-e-e-e-e-ell"!

0:39:130:39:16

Me and the audience have prepared a Welsh one for you.

0:39:160:39:20

A Welsh version, a Welsh opening to the song, Shout, OK?

0:39:200:39:23

So, here we go, after three. One, two, three.

0:39:230:39:26

(STRONG WELSH ACCENT) We-ellll! You know, you make me want to shout!

0:39:260:39:31

The Welsh word is, we like to say "well".

0:39:320:39:34

That is the most original thing, because everywhere I go,

0:39:340:39:37

people want me to do that bit, and I go, "Och, not again!"

0:39:370:39:40

-No, we've done it for you! We brought it to you.

-Thank you.

0:39:400:39:44

Ladies and gentlemen, the sensational Lulu!

0:39:440:39:47

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:39:470:39:49

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas.

0:39:520:39:54

A big thank you to all for watching.

0:39:540:39:57

Thanks to my house band, and the Segue Sisters.

0:39:570:39:59

CHEERING

0:39:590:40:02

And of course, to my fabulous guests. To Lulu!

0:40:020:40:04

CHEERING

0:40:040:40:06

Micky Flanagan!

0:40:060:40:08

CHEERING

0:40:080:40:09

And to James Corden!

0:40:090:40:10

CHEERING

0:40:100:40:12

And to play us out tonight,

0:40:130:40:15

celebrating an incredible 21 years in the charts,

0:40:150:40:17

here they are with their current single, This Is The Day,

0:40:170:40:20

the Manic Street Preachers.

0:40:200:40:22

# You didn't wake up this morning cos you didn't go to bed

0:40:420:40:46

# You were watching the whites of your eyes turn red

0:40:460:40:50

# The calendar on your wall

0:40:500:40:53

# Is ticking the days off

0:40:530:40:57

# You've been reading some old letters

0:40:570:41:01

# You smile and think how much you've changed

0:41:010:41:04

# And all the money in the world

0:41:040:41:08

# Couldn't bring back those days

0:41:090:41:13

# You pull back the curtains

0:41:260:41:29

# And the sun burns into your eyes

0:41:290:41:33

# You watch a plane flying

0:41:330:41:36

# Across a clear blue sky

0:41:360:41:41

# This is the day

0:41:410:41:43

# Your life will surely change

0:41:430:41:46

# This is the day

0:41:480:41:50

# When things fall into place

0:41:500:41:54

# You could've done anything

0:42:020:42:06

# If you'd wanted

0:42:070:42:08

# And all your friends and family

0:42:080:42:13

# Think that you're lucky

0:42:130:42:16

# But the side of you they'll never see

0:42:160:42:19

# Is when you're left alone with your memories

0:42:190:42:23

# That hold your life together

0:42:230:42:27

# Together like glue

0:42:280:42:31

# You pull back the curtains

0:42:450:42:48

# And the sun burns into your eyes

0:42:480:42:51

# You watch a plane flying

0:42:530:42:56

# Across a clear blue sky

0:42:560:42:58

# This is the day your life will surely change

0:42:590:43:05

# This is the day when things fall into place

0:43:060:43:13

# This is the day

0:43:140:43:17

# Your life will surely change

0:43:170:43:21

# This is the day

0:43:210:43:24

# When things fall into place

0:43:240:43:27

# This is the day

0:43:280:43:31

# This is the day. #

0:43:350:43:38

APPLAUSE

0:43:460:43:47

Thank you.

0:43:470:43:49

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:43:490:43:52

E-mail [email protected]

0:43:520:43:56

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