Summer Holiday Ruth Jones


Summer Holiday

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Transcript


LineFromTo

'Is that an ice-cream in your Speedos, or are you just pleased to see her?

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'It's Ruth Jones!'

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# Her name is Ruthy And she dances on the sand

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# And when she shines she really shows you all she can

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# Oh Ruthy, Ruthy Dance across the Rio Grande. #

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Ah! My lovely house band and my lovely house singers, The 99ers!

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Are you all having a good summer?

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-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

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Well, it's about to get a whole lot better.

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Tonight, we have got none other than the king of chat himself here,

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the wonderfully irrepressible Jonathan Ross!

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One of Britain's most talented comedy actors, Stephen Mangan will be here.

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Plus, music from the rockabilly whirlwind that is Imelda May.

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First up, she's one of my favourite comedians and I'm so excited to have her here tonight.

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It's the award winning, cake-loving, fabulously funny, Sarah Millican.

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# Oh, mysterious girl, I wanna get close to you

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# Oh, mysterious girl Move your body close to mine

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-# Close to mine.

-#

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-Welcome.

-Is that all for me?

-This is all for you. Do you like the hats?

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-Thank you very much. They're brilliant. Are they glued on or...

-No.

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You're looking at me like I'm an idiot.

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Are you in a holiday mood?

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What's your ideal holiday?

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I've just come back from a few days away, so I still haven't quite got

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back to work, so if I nod off, it's just because it's nap time, you know.

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It's fine, stick your feet up, go for it. I don't mind.

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-I did a spa thing last week which was very nice.

-Did you?

-Yes.

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I always get worried about the massage bits though, I'm not very used to them.

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I get a bit scared of being semi naked in front of anybody, boyfriends included.

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Singly! That sounded like it was plural!

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And she said to me, the one I had last week, she said,

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"Do you do a lot of standing up?" And I thought, cos I'm a stand-up,

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that was her way of saying that she recognised me, and I said,

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"Yes, I do." And she said, "Because your ankles are really swollen."

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That's really nice. Have you ever...

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We went to Thailand one year...

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We had a husband and wife one, very above board.

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Me and my husband were in the same room together with two masseuses,

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or whatever the word is, and I'm sure they were just laughing at us blatantly. Going...

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Like doing that at each other, or one on each other?

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-No, one each, but kind of like...

-"I'm on top, you carry on, Sheila."

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Very strong arms. Built up the muscles.

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I always think because I'm not skinny and I think

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it must be better to massage somebody who's not skinny.

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-Yes.

-I think I'm, to be honest, giving them a treat.

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LAUGHTER

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Because it's like kneading dough to massage me,

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-whereas a Skinny Mini, it would be like polishing a xylophone.

-LAUGHTER

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I know what you mean.

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But you must need a bit of a holiday because you've got a big tour coming up, haven't you?

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Yes, I've just finished one and I have another one coming up

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in October so it's all a bit full-on, but it's good though, brilliant.

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The best job in the world.

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It's called Thoroughly Modern Millican.

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-Yes.

-It is starting in October.

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-Are you going to go all around the country?

-Yes, well that's the point of a tour, cos, you know...

-No...

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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No, because you could just be doing your South East tour, you could just be doing a tour of Wales.

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-What would be nice would be just to do like my living room and transport people from various towns.

-Yes.

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I don't think my agent would be keen, it's not very cost effective.

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You are known as a stand-up of course, but you have also become a bit of an agony aunt.

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Yes, just because I've had loads of problems.

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-You've got a series on Radio Four called Support Group?

-Yes.

-Tell us about that.

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With that we think of a problem, then open it up to the audience and chat to the audience

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about if anybody's had that problem before and we try and fix the problem.

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But it's scripted and it's comedy, it's not real, you know,

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nobody has any qualifications, it's just a bit of daft carry on, but it's very entertaining.

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We've got some people with some real issues in the audience tonight.

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Have you just judged them, or did they tell you that?

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-We thought maybe you could give them a bit of a helping hand if you wouldn't mind.

-OK.

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Where is Samantha and Barry?

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Hi! Samantha says, "My partner's annoying habit is that he asks if I love him every ten minutes."

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-That's really sweet.

-It's not really a problem is it but...

-Is he just a bit needy?

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-(Yes.)

-Yeah. Do you say, "I love you", so that she says it back?

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Not really, no, but it's just nice being told isn't it?

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Because you know at some point in the future there'll be a time when she says "Mm...

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-"..not so much."

-Is it better for him to stop asking and then it will always be a mystery?

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-It will be a lovely surprise when they get divorced.

-Ah!

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Where is Clary and Lawrence?

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-Hello.

-Hi.

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Clary gets frustrated by Lawrence because he steals food.

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-Yes. Very much so.

-From who?

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All of us. We are actually in university together and have been for four years

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and the whole time Lawrence has managed to steal food off everyone every day.

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He'll just lean over and take our chips off our plates.

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Have you got a fork at this point?

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Ugh! Stab his hand, he'll not do it again.

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I'm a kindred spirit with you, I'm a northerner. You should get this, it's food.

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-Don't bring me into this!

-What's a northerner?

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-A northerner.

-A northerner.

-From Yorkshire.

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Whereabouts? That's Midlands!

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-No.

-Where in Yorkshire are you from?

-North Yorkshire, near York.

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That's a fake accent you're doing.

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-No, it's not.

-That's what they sound like, flower.

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-Is it?

-Uh-huh. It's weird.

-It is very weird.

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Yours is a bit weird.

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We'll cut him out!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-Thank you to you all for sharing your problems and thank you to Dr Millican for giving her advice.

-Doctor!

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Talking about therapy, you sort of used stand-up as a therapy when you started out, didn't you?

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Yes, yes, I got divorced and some people go and sort of sleep around and some people get drunk a lot.

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-Do they?

-Once they get over their divorces. Apparently so. Have you not?

-No.

-OK. Too nice a girl.

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But I just decided to get on a stage and tell a bunch of strangers about it which was weird but it worked.

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-Yeah.

-For the first six months it was definitely therapy.

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You have this very sort of innocent, gentle persona, but your material is really dirty sometimes isn't it?

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Yes, it's hard because whenever you do telly you're always quite clean because of the nature of television

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and people obviously come and see you on tour and you get little old ladies and they're sort of,

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"Oh, she's really clean on the telly." and then you start talking about filth and they stay.

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LAUGHTER

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They never leave.

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-Is it mainly sex you talk about?

-Not at all, no.

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They're obviously the bits that you are interested in though.

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Yes, I must have tuned into that.

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I talk to the audience about it and it's amazing because I come across

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as being quite nice and approachable, people come out with all sorts of stuff.

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I did this things in my last show about, shout out if you've ever

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broken anything during sex and a lady shouted out that she'd broken a man's spirit.

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Normally I was getting like lamps and ankles and things like that - but a man's spirit!

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-But you're very broad-minded in your tastes and you're kind of like open to anything really?

-Sounds terrible!

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-Didn't you gain some male attention recently in rather an unusual situation?

-Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

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Erm, there was me and a couple of other comics went to Bristol Zoo and there was a very attractive gorilla.

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Well, he gave me the eye and, you know, I hadn't long

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been divorced and I didn't really know what flirting looked like, I've never really been good at it.

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I like a hairy man so it's just that bit further.

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Gorillas don't quite do it for me.

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Do you know what I find weirdly attractive?

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Railway station signs.

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OK. So now I'm the bonkers one because I find monkeys attractive,

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but you find signs sexy? Yes, like you know if you pull into Bristol Parkway

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and it just says Bristol Parkway and it's just saying it there on the sign in a kind of really...

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Why is it not saying (QUIETLY) Bristol Parkway?

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Because it's confident, arrogant and

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-it knows what it's doing.

-It's just capitals, pet, that's all it is.

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Do you find capitals attractive?

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It could be a mixture of fonts.

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But moving on, because as a special treat for you and your love of the hairy man,

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I've signed you up to a particular little dating website called apedates. com.

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-This doesn't really exist, shut your face!

-Yes, it does.

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How did I not know about this?

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Sexy plus gorillas equals... Come on Google...nothing.

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Have a look. You've had three hits already, you'll be pleased to know.

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-I have?

-Yes.

-That's so funny.

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-We've got gorilla number one is called...

-Oh, he's moody isn't he?

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-He is.

-He is. That's so a come on, come on.

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He looks like a teenage boy who doesn't want to clean his room.

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-He's called Kigali, he's from Bristol.

-He's from Bristol?

-Yes.

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-That might be him!

-Number two is called Ambam from Ipswich.

-He's nice.

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Do you know what I like about him, is that he hasn't got the best figure in the world...

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-But he's proud of it.

-He's proud. He's going, "Yeah, this is me, come and have a cuddle."

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He looks like he's just either had a scratch or is about to have a scratch.

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The third one is Geoff.

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LAUGHTER

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He's posing like he's in a porn film.

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I thought it was like he was on the loo actually.

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Apparently he likes cuddling and throwing pooh.

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Don't we all?

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Which one are you going to go for?

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I'm going to go with number two, Cilla, definitely number two.

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-Why? Because he's a fantastic guy?

-He's comfortable in his body and can I just ask, am I going to...

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He's not like coming out is he?

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LAUGHTER

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-Yes, he is.

-Is this like Take Me Out? Are we going to like go off on a mini break and then

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-I'll have to come back next week and tell you how it went?

-You can have a joint Thai massage with him.

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I wish it was like that, I really do.

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I think you make a lovely couple.

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That's lovely. As long as he doesn't evolve into a man, you'll be all right.

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Ladies and gentlemen, Sarah Millican.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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My next guest tonight is no stranger to chat shows, though he's much more used to being in the driving seat.

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It's such an honour to have him on my show. He's been making us laugh for years.

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He's witty, charming, downright lush.

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Ladies and gentlemen, it's Jonathan Ross.

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# I'm walking on sunshine, whoa

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# I'm walking on sunshine, whoa

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# And don't it feel good? Hey, all right now

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# And don't it feel good? Hey, all right

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-# And don't it feel good?

-#

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you. Thank you very much.

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-How very kind.

-It's so exciting, Jonathan Ross is on the sofa.

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It's so exciting to be here. You both look gorgeous and now we know you're both filthy minxes as well.

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-Yes.

-I'll tell you who you want. Have you seen Tom Jones recently?

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-He looks like a big silverback now he's let the hair grow.

-He's let it all go.

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What's it like being on the other side? Normally you are sat here.

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For a minute I thought I'd died. I thought maybe this might be the waiting room.

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Is this what it's like? I've got to pass the test to get in?

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With Ruth Jones and Sarah Millican.

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To be interviewed. I like being interviewed because as you were perhaps aware about me,

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I quite like talking, I enjoy talking, I enjoy talking with people and at people.

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I like noise coming out of my body. If I'm alone, I will make noises.

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My wife will find me and I'll be talking to people.

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I rehearse conversations and now she just ignores it.

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What is it like when you do go on other people's shows?

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Are you a bit control freaky and think, they should be doing it this way or that way?

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No, no, no, that would be kind of rude I think.

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-I enjoyed that, you were so funny. Wasn't Sarah hilarious?

-Thank you.

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I can't imagine... Yes, she's brilliant.

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APPLAUSE

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So I was watching back there and we were all enjoying ourselves,

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but I can't imagine you having a proper job where

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you weren't being funny because if you had to deliver bad news...

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-You've got a lovely, but silly voice.

-Coming from you!

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LAUGHTER

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-You have a point.

-Didn't you work in a call centre once?

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Yes, I used to work in a call centre.

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-What was it for?

-For the Jobcentre for people making claims to benefit.

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So if I phoned you up and said, what would it be? "I haven't got my benefit this week,

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"we are up against it, I need some money urgently, there's no food on the table,

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"please madam, please, I implore you, help."

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-And then what do you want me to do? My funny voice at you?

-Well, no, I'm saying...

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I mean I couldn't probably give you any money, but at least I'd cheer you up with my stupid voice.

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Now hang on, don't get all arsey, I didn't say it was a stupid voice.

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You said silly which is one step along from stupid.

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Is it or is it not a silly voice?

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-AUDIENCE:

-No!

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-See, they all think no.

-You weren't saying that earlier.

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They were saying. "That woman with that stupid voice is on.

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"She used to work in a Jobcentre you know."

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You've been off our screens for a while but you're coming back in September?

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I'm back with a talk show in September and yes, doing loads of different bits, but back on ITV with

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a talk show and they're putting us after The X Factor on a Saturday night.

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-Brilliant.

-Part of me is concerned because The X Factor is a huge show and it gets a big audience.

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I'm worried it will have a big audience and I'm going to go on and it will go bumph.

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You're hoping to keep some of the audience, but worried that it's not going to reflect well on you.

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-But I'm looking forward to it.

-Maybe some people will have lost their remote and you'll get those.

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I'm hoping we'll get a lot of people in homes and doctors' waiting rooms,

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places where the TV is behind a glass box and you can't get to it,

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-In a cage.

-Yes, safe.

-You must really enjoy it though?

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I do, I love doing it. I love doing it.

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I love meeting people and I'm always excited when someone new comes along.

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I would love to have Sarah on my show because when someone new comes along

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who you find talented and funny, or you like a movie they're in or

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something they've done, it's exciting to get to meet them.

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I still get excited when I meet people.

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It's exciting when you get to talk to them and find out a bit about them. I love that side of it.

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When you come back in September, will it be similar to shows you've done before or can you not tell us?

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We haven't really planned it yet. We've just started talking now. It's going to be similar.

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It's going to have big-name guests on and music,

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but really there's not that much you can do.

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If you try too hard...

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You come to the building blocks

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of whether you have all the guests on at once,

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get rid of the first and get the second one on.

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It depends on what you like doing as a host.

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But it's just going to be the same kind of show, but on ITV.

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So tell me about your wife, Jane Goldman, a brilliant screenwriter.

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Yes.

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Is it a bit of a media powerhouse in the Ross household?

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No, you know what's so ridiculous,

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I've achieved a certain level of success in my career,

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and it's been a rollercoaster, there have been ups and downs,

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and she's had different successes in different areas as well.

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Like, when we first got together, she was really successful,

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working for magazines, she's always been a writer, she started screenplays,

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and I adore the fact she's having success,

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and I love that it's come to her, she deserves it.

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Also, I love the fact that she's earning money.

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Although - here is the weird thing - we still have separate accounts.

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-Do you?!

-She has a separate account.

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We have a joint account that all my money's going to,

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and we have a separate account that all her money goes to.

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What do you do if you don't like some of the films she's written?

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I've been lucky that I have liked all the films.

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I haven't seen all of them, because a couple aren't finished.

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You must have a lot of friends who're actors who are in films.

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What if they're in a film you don't like?

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I've learned to lie, because once or twice I was honest,

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and I remember a while ago...

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You know who I'm talking about. He said, "What do you think about it?,"

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and I thought it wasn't very good at all, I was surprised.

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He didn't call me for a month, and my wife said, "What did you expect?"

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I said, "You didn't like it."

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She said, "Yes, but I didn't tell him I didn't like it."

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I said, "But he asked you what he thought of it."

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She said, "He didn't want to know."

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It's like a secret code going on that I don't fully understand.

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If someone asks you what you think about it,

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you are not meant to say what you think about it.

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You're say, "It's great."

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Hollywood rules.

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But there's ways of doing it. You can say things like...

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I've been to see people in plays and I've gone,

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"You looked like you really enjoyed doing that."

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Or, "You've got a lot of confidence, haven't you?"

0:18:090:18:12

They must know you're avoiding it!

0:18:120:18:14

I'll say, "Well, you've done it again."

0:18:140:18:17

They must know you're not being effusive in your praise.

0:18:170:18:21

"Only you could have done that!"

0:18:220:18:25

That's a good one, isn't it, "You!"

0:18:250:18:28

If someone does that to you, you think, "Oh, you hated it."

0:18:280:18:32

So with you both having these big careers,

0:18:320:18:34

how do you juggle family life? Because you've got a big family, loads of animals in the house.

0:18:340:18:38

I tend to look after the animals more.

0:18:380:18:41

-How many animals have you got?

-I don't know,

0:18:410:18:44

but I love my dogs more than I love my children or my wife and I...

0:18:440:18:47

LAUGHTER

0:18:470:18:49

Yes, you're going like that, but you haven't met 'em.

0:18:490:18:51

Now, I love my family, but the thing about dogs is,

0:18:510:18:54

they just know they love you and they trust you.

0:18:540:18:57

They're needy.

0:18:570:18:59

And a dog will never beat you at Scrabble.

0:18:590:19:01

If it did, you'd really have problems.

0:19:010:19:03

But you love your dogs a little bit too much, I think, because...

0:19:030:19:08

Hold on, what are you going to say here? Because nothing was proven, it was an accident.

0:19:080:19:12

No, no, I slipped over, I'd had a shower, the towel came loose.

0:19:120:19:15

You know, I resent you saying this, Jones.

0:19:150:19:17

All I was going to say was that you have

0:19:190:19:21

a particular penchant for dressing them up.

0:19:210:19:24

They like to be dressed up.

0:19:240:19:26

They look at me in clothes. I can almost read their minds.

0:19:260:19:29

They look at me in my finery sometimes and think,

0:19:290:19:31

"Why for me no cravat?

0:19:310:19:32

"Why don't I have a pair of fancy slippers?"

0:19:320:19:34

Is that what you think they're thinking when they look at you?

0:19:340:19:38

"Where's my corset?" Look.

0:19:380:19:39

Yes.

0:19:390:19:41

That's one happy dog right there, and it was Halloween.

0:19:410:19:44

I was dressed as a devil, he was saying, "Where's my costume?"

0:19:440:19:48

We dressed him as Yoda. Look at that!

0:19:480:19:52

I think that's so... He's humiliated.

0:19:520:19:54

-No, he loved it.

-He's looking at you going,

0:19:540:19:56

"Why the hell are you such a bastard? Why did you do this to me?"

0:19:560:20:00

I think that's his sexy face.

0:20:000:20:02

Do you? Are you going more that way than the gorillas now?

0:20:020:20:05

I love an animal in clothes. It helped me through my divorce.

0:20:050:20:09

Somebody said to me that I was working with,

0:20:090:20:11

"Is there anything I can do to help?,"

0:20:110:20:13

and I think he expected me to say, "Can we talk it out?,"

0:20:130:20:16

and I just said, "I really love pictures of animals in clothes."

0:20:160:20:20

So I'd be crying at my desk

0:20:200:20:21

and he'd send an e-mail across and it would be a pig in slippers.

0:20:210:20:24

It's a great thing.

0:20:240:20:27

We've got one more, I think.

0:20:270:20:29

Right.

0:20:290:20:31

-That's my beloved...

-I'm sorry.

0:20:310:20:33

That's Mr Pickle.

0:20:330:20:34

He likes cross dressing.

0:20:340:20:36

We've got a lot of good outfits for him now.

0:20:360:20:38

But it's quite hard to size dogs.

0:20:380:20:40

You know when you're out and you see a dog outfit and you think,

0:20:400:20:44

"That's going to suit him," you get it home and it doesn't fit.

0:20:440:20:47

For example now, I know that Yoda's chest is that big,

0:20:470:20:51

and Pickle, you have to be that big all over.

0:20:510:20:53

With Princess, you can get a double fist like that, and that'll do her,

0:20:530:20:57

so I'll say to him, "Will it fit that?

0:20:570:20:59

So you'll often see me in the shop going...

0:20:590:21:01

LAUGHTER

0:21:010:21:06

That wasn't even me!

0:21:060:21:07

That wasn't me, that was entirely you!

0:21:070:21:09

That really wasn't me.

0:21:090:21:11

But I'll go, "Have you got anything for that?

0:21:120:21:14

"And I want the pink thing in that size, please."

0:21:140:21:18

You are essentially, though, a big kid, aren't you?

0:21:180:21:21

-You love playing, you love your comics.

-Yes.

0:21:210:21:25

I don't know whether I'm immature,

0:21:250:21:26

but I have fairly unsophisticated taste,

0:21:260:21:28

although I quite like grown-up things,

0:21:280:21:30

and I've raised a family, so I'm a reasonable adult,

0:21:300:21:33

but at the same time, I do like the things that I liked

0:21:330:21:35

when I was a kid. I think it just marks me as consistent.

0:21:350:21:38

Did you have more athleticism

0:21:380:21:39

when you were younger that you are kind of losing?

0:21:390:21:42

Does that make you sad?

0:21:420:21:44

I am getting older, yes, and I am getting stiffer, not in a good way.

0:21:440:21:48

You put your hand up to me there!

0:21:480:21:50

Because we can all see you gagging for it tonight.

0:21:520:21:55

I'm only going like that, you almost had to be hosed down!

0:21:550:21:58

Do you find now that, as you are getting older, are you making the noise as you get out of the sofa?

0:21:580:22:03

Yes, but I overdo it, because I like to amuse my wife with it.

0:22:030:22:07

So it's like, "Agh," like that, but sometimes I'll go, "Josepha!"

0:22:070:22:13

Stuff like that, "Sweet bloody Moses!," you know.

0:22:130:22:17

Different words to keep her on her toes.

0:22:190:22:21

I go the other way, I do a canny little noise like a "Ooh, ooh!"

0:22:210:22:25

Then it sounds much more adorable.

0:22:250:22:29

But you're years younger than we are.

0:22:290:22:31

I thought you were about 24, I thought Sarah was 24.

0:22:310:22:35

-35.

-I was amazed, no way you look 35.

0:22:350:22:37

-Thank you.

-It's true.

0:22:370:22:38

You should agree.

0:22:390:22:41

You kept saying how good you were

0:22:410:22:43

at not really telling the truth anymore, so...

0:22:430:22:46

I'm worried I may have missed out a few little things,

0:22:460:22:50

so I was wondering if you would just indulge me

0:22:500:22:54

in a little game of Ross's Rapid Replies?

0:22:540:22:57

I'll indulge you in the game as long as I don't have to pronounce it.

0:22:570:23:01

That would be cruel of you to make me do that.

0:23:010:23:04

I'm not cruel. I would like you to sit in the hot seat,

0:23:040:23:07

and I'm going to hurl a load of

0:23:070:23:09

-quick-fire questions at you.

-All right.

0:23:090:23:11

And you just have to answer the first thing that comes into your head.

0:23:110:23:14

The hot seat.

0:23:140:23:17

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

0:23:170:23:19

Don't do that!

0:23:190:23:20

They've finished me off!

0:23:220:23:24

Here we go, just the first answer that comes into your head.

0:23:240:23:27

Starting now. Halloween or Christmas?

0:23:270:23:29

Halloween.

0:23:290:23:30

Beard or no beard?

0:23:300:23:32

On men, beard, on women, it kind of depends, really.

0:23:330:23:37

-Ant or Dec?

-No, I can't choose between my sons.

0:23:390:23:42

You can't choose Ant or Dec

0:23:420:23:45

because the other one's going to be upset, and everyone prefers Dec.

0:23:450:23:48

Do you know which is which?

0:23:480:23:49

Ant has the bigger forehead, Dec has the smaller forehead.

0:23:490:23:52

OK. Comics or dogs?

0:23:520:23:55

It would be dogs.

0:23:550:23:56

I would sacrifice my comics for my dogs.

0:23:560:23:58

Wales or England?

0:23:580:24:00

Well, come on!

0:24:000:24:02

Superman or Iron Man?

0:24:030:24:05

I love the fact you didn't even expect me to answer that!

0:24:050:24:08

Iron Man. I prefer Iron Man.

0:24:080:24:10

Meat or veg?

0:24:100:24:12

Meat, I like meat, I love meat.

0:24:120:24:14

OK. Knickers or thong?

0:24:160:24:17

Knickers any day of the week. Thongs are wrong,

0:24:170:24:20

there's something about a thong when you think,

0:24:200:24:22

"What's it been doing up there all day?"

0:24:220:24:24

It's not healthy, it's not nice.

0:24:240:24:26

Gavin or Stacey?

0:24:260:24:28

It's got to be Stacey.

0:24:280:24:30

Finally, back or front?

0:24:300:24:31

Well...

0:24:330:24:35

For normal occasions, front, for anniversaries and birthdays, back.

0:24:350:24:39

Thank you, Jonathan.

0:24:460:24:49

I feel I've got to know you a lot better.

0:24:490:24:52

-Thank you.

-Jonathan Ross, ladies and gentlemen.

0:24:520:24:55

Thank you.

0:24:550:24:58

My final guest is one of Britain's best-loved comedy actors.

0:24:580:25:02

He's conquered the small screen, the big screen and the stage.

0:25:020:25:05

Please welcome the gorgeously brilliant Stephen Mangan.

0:25:050:25:08

MUSIC: "Surfin' USA"

0:25:080:25:16

You look like a bit of a surfer to me. Are you a surfer?

0:25:330:25:35

-Tried it once, I absolutely hated it.

-Did you?

0:25:350:25:39

It's like trying not to drown for half an hour.

0:25:390:25:41

How is your summer going anyway?

0:25:410:25:44

-My summer's going great, yes.

-You've got little ones now?

0:25:440:25:47

Yes, it changes the whole holidays completely,

0:25:470:25:50

because you keep looking at them thinking,

0:25:500:25:52

"It would be easier at home."

0:25:520:25:54

It's all the equipment you have to bring.

0:25:540:25:56

You need trucks, like going on tour.

0:25:560:25:59

-I just need a Micra, pet.

-I imagine you're like Dolly Parton,

0:25:590:26:04

-with seven wagons with your face on them.

-I'd love my face on a wagon.

0:26:040:26:07

Yes, we could sort that out, surely.

0:26:070:26:10

Going on holiday in your pre-child phase, did you go on exotic holidays?

0:26:100:26:16

If you had a job lined up, finish one job, a couple of months off,

0:26:160:26:22

I would just go, and I've been to Honduras, Nicaragua,

0:26:220:26:25

El Salvador and China and Laos.

0:26:250:26:28

What about when you went to Jerusalem and you got interrogated, didn't you?

0:26:280:26:32

Yes, I did.

0:26:320:26:33

I've been to Israel once, and when you check in to EL AL,

0:26:330:26:36

the security before the check-in desk,

0:26:360:26:39

there was a girl about 20 years old with a semi-automatic rifle,

0:26:390:26:44

and she said, "What's your name?" "Stephen Mangan."

0:26:440:26:48

She said, "Where are you going?" I don't know what accent I'm doing!

0:26:480:26:53

Peckham, she was from Peckham!

0:26:540:26:57

She said, "Where are you going?" I said, "Jerusalem."

0:26:570:27:00

"What to do?" I said, "Well, drink a lot, bit of bad dancing."

0:27:000:27:03

She said, "No jokes. What do you do in your life?"

0:27:030:27:06

And she twitched the gun like this,

0:27:060:27:08

and I said, "I'm an actor," she said, "What sort of acting?"

0:27:080:27:11

I said, "Well, you know, telly and the odd film,"

0:27:110:27:14

and she goes, "Did you go to drama school?," and I said, "Yes."

0:27:140:27:19

She went, "Where?" I said, "RADA,"

0:27:190:27:21

and she said, "How did you get into RADA?"

0:27:210:27:23

I said, "Well, I did some pieces..."

0:27:230:27:27

She said, "What sort of pieces did you do to get into RADA?"

0:27:270:27:30

I was terrified at this stage, all I could see was the gun.

0:27:300:27:34

I said, "I did a bit of Othello, a modern piece,

0:27:340:27:36

a bit of Samuel Beckett. She goes, "Samuel Beckett?"

0:27:360:27:39

I said, "Yes, one of his radio plays."

0:27:390:27:41

She said, "For a theatre audition?"

0:27:410:27:44

I said, "Yes, it worked quite well.

0:27:460:27:48

"I know it was for radio, but I'm sure he wouldn't have minded."

0:27:480:27:51

I said, "Why...?" She goes, "I want to be an actress, I want to know."

0:27:510:27:54

Brilliant.

0:27:540:27:56

Terrified.

0:27:560:27:59

-We actually worked together years ago.

-We did.

0:27:590:28:02

-It's actually ten years ago.

-Can you believe that?

0:28:020:28:04

We were in Adrian Mole, the Cappuccino Years

0:28:040:28:08

and you played Adrian Mole very brilliantly

0:28:080:28:10

and I played your ex-girlfriend Sharon Bott,

0:28:100:28:13

-and I looked for the clip...

-No way.

-..and I found it.

0:28:130:28:16

'Sharon Bott.

0:28:180:28:20

'She took my virginity in that house.

0:28:200:28:23

'Oh, I didn't struggle much, 'she was so very beautiful.

0:28:230:28:27

'She's obviously heard I'm back and wants to reawaken our sexual affair.

0:28:290:28:34

'Sharon Bott.

0:28:350:28:37

'Some of my best poetry was written in praise of her beauty.'

0:28:370:28:41

Hello, Adrian.

0:28:480:28:49

'Christ, it's Moby Dick with a perm!

0:28:490:28:53

It was a good look.

0:28:580:29:00

You know, when you're a little boy,

0:29:000:29:03

you dream of playing James Bond, don't you?

0:29:030:29:06

-I got Adrian Mole.

-So tell me about Episodes.

0:29:060:29:09

For those who haven't seen it, it's fantastic. What is it about?

0:29:090:29:12

It's about a couple of writers, Tamsin Greg and I are a husband and wife writing team

0:29:120:29:17

who have a big hit in the UK

0:29:170:29:19

with a show starring Richard Griffiths.

0:29:190:29:22

The Americans love it and want to buy it so we ship it out to LA

0:29:220:29:26

and make us sack Richard Griffiths and hire Matt Le Blanc,

0:29:260:29:30

as the erudite elderly headmaster of a boys' elite boarding school.

0:29:300:29:34

-Obvious choice(!)

-So we had to change the entire script to make him a hockey coach

0:29:340:29:38

-and it's about us coming up against the whole Hollywood system.

-Have you guys seen it? Episodes?

0:29:380:29:43

I saw one which I loved, but because I was watching out of sync I'm waiting for the DVD

0:29:430:29:47

because otherwise you miss the good stuff. It was very good.

0:29:470:29:51

He seems to really get what you're doing as well.

0:29:510:29:54

I know this sounds snobbish, but you expect English actors

0:29:540:29:57

-to be a bit more intelligent than American actors, does that sound wrong?

-Not to me.

0:29:570:30:02

So he seems to really, you know,

0:30:030:30:05

-he seems great with it.

-He's a very smart guy.

-You're doing another series?

0:30:050:30:09

Yes, nine episodes this time.

0:30:090:30:11

-Fantastic. But really the thing you get recognised for a lot is your part in Alan Partridge?

-Yes.

0:30:110:30:17

Tell us about that, because it's a very well-known scene, isn't it, where Alan Partridge is cooling off?

0:30:170:30:23

Yes, I played Dan Moody,

0:30:230:30:25

Dan of Moodyshire,

0:30:250:30:27

who's a rather sort of lust-filled kitchen salesman...

0:30:270:30:32

..who is very like Alan Partridge, I love LEXI.

0:30:340:30:37

We both wear Lynx Africa.

0:30:370:30:40

What happens in the actual scene?

0:30:400:30:43

He sort of idolises me, sees me across a car park and in the script

0:30:430:30:48

it says he shouts, "Dan, Dan" and that's it.

0:30:480:30:51

But when we did it on the day, he just didn't stop.

0:30:510:30:54

I mean, he went on and on and on and after that came out,

0:30:540:30:57

I couldn't go into a shop without the guy behind the till...

0:30:570:31:01

The joke only works if you say it 42 times,

0:31:010:31:03

so you have to stand there when someone's going, "Dan, Dan."

0:31:030:31:07

Do you get recognised in peculiar places?

0:31:070:31:11

Sometimes, yes.

0:31:110:31:13

I get occasionally recognised.

0:31:130:31:15

The first time I was properly recognised, I was on my way to my smear test...

0:31:150:31:19

Luckily I wasn't in the smear test,

0:31:230:31:25

but I was on my way and then this lady recognised me and said,

0:31:250:31:28

"Where are you off to now?" "Just an appointment." I couldn't say, "To get my fanny looked at."

0:31:280:31:33

I had a similar appointment to that, a bit of a female examination

0:31:360:31:40

and the doctor was there and the nurse and they're smiling away,

0:31:400:31:44

asking me if I'm going on holiday this year while doing their thing.

0:31:440:31:48

As I was leaving, the nurse said to me, "Oh, by way,

0:31:480:31:50

"I'm a big fan of your character," and I said, "You've seen a lot more of my character today, haven't you?"

0:31:500:31:57

It is quite weird. Have you been in awkward positions where you've been recognised?

0:31:570:32:01

Yes, I was on my way to a smear test and...

0:32:010:32:04

apparently I shouldn't have been in the building.

0:32:040:32:07

So it was kind of fortunate.

0:32:070:32:10

I get regular colonoscopies every year and the first one,

0:32:100:32:14

you wear the gown that opens to the back.

0:32:140:32:16

They give you this thing and say it's like a Martini, it was like 15 Martinis...

0:32:160:32:20

And they open the gown up and they were just lubeing me up

0:32:200:32:23

and the bloke went, "Hang on a minute,

0:32:230:32:25

"you're in Green Wing aren't you," I thought, "How did he recognise me?"

0:32:250:32:30

No!

0:32:300:32:31

-Oh, my God, that is awful!

-I've never seen an episode of Green Wing.

-No, you should get the box set.

0:32:310:32:36

You're a big sports lover, aren't you?

0:32:360:32:39

-I am, yes.

-I'm not.

0:32:390:32:41

I don't know ANYTHING about sports whatsoever.

0:32:410:32:44

But do you travel around the world watching cricket and things?

0:32:440:32:47

I used to, not since the kids ruined my life, but...

0:32:470:32:51

I mean, they're all right, kids, but travelling to watch sport, that's living.

0:32:520:32:57

I go and watch cricket a lot, I have been in the past.

0:32:570:33:00

The thing I like about cricket is that it does have really odd words, doesn't it, very odd terminology?

0:33:000:33:06

-Yes.

-So I thought we could have a little celebration of all things cricket seeing as it is summer,

0:33:060:33:12

-by having a little game of That's Just Not Cricket.

-Oh, right.

0:33:120:33:16

So what I'm going to do is, I'm going to give you a series of terms,

0:33:160:33:20

and I want you to tell me if it's cricket terms or not. I'm going to give you a cricket bat

0:33:200:33:25

that says cricket or not cricket.

0:33:250:33:27

So there you go, you can have a bat each. You've all got one

0:33:270:33:30

and you're all in with a chance

0:33:300:33:32

of winning nothing less than the Ruth Jones sticky wicket.

0:33:320:33:38

-Right? That's up for grabs.

-Oh, hello.

0:33:380:33:41

I've met him.

0:33:410:33:44

All you have to do is tell me... I'm going to hurl some terms at you.

0:33:440:33:48

Tell me whether they're cricket or that's just not cricket, right.

0:33:480:33:52

Do we HAVE to take that home?

0:33:520:33:55

That should be for the loser!

0:33:550:33:57

So number one then, here we go.

0:33:570:33:59

Is this cricket or that's just not cricket? A googly.

0:33:590:34:02

-Oh. You're just copying the boys now, aren't you?

-No, I'm not!

0:34:040:34:08

-Everyone's heard of a googly.

-What is it?

-It's a search engine.

0:34:080:34:12

-It's testicles.

-It's what you put in one of those, yes.

0:34:130:34:16

A googly is a type of spinner.

0:34:160:34:18

They bowl it and it goes googly.

0:34:180:34:20

It looks like a spinning one when in fact it's gone the other way.

0:34:200:34:24

-Very well, I think YOU know what you're talking about.

-So do I!

0:34:240:34:28

What about this one then, the splitting of a bamboo?

0:34:280:34:31

That's a sexual position, isn't it?

0:34:310:34:33

I think it's in the karma sutra.

0:34:330:34:36

You're absolutely right, it's in the karma sutra when the man's on top

0:34:360:34:40

and the woman raises one leg up in the air

0:34:400:34:44

and rests it on his shoulder.

0:34:440:34:45

And it says here, "Option to swap legs throughout."

0:34:450:34:49

Well, you would, wouldn't you?

0:34:510:34:52

Why would you do that sort of thing with someone you like?

0:34:520:34:56

Don't go flinging limbs about.

0:34:560:34:57

You're going to hurt yourself or be embarrassed and afterwards say, "Why did you put my foot there?"

0:34:570:35:03

"Well, I read about it and it's called wheeling the grass hopper...

0:35:030:35:06

You strike me as quite an experimental person.

0:35:060:35:09

That's because of your age, isn't it?

0:35:090:35:11

-No. I've always been...

-Do you have be careful of hips?

0:35:110:35:14

Yes. I was once having intercourse with my wife and my hip cracked very loudly

0:35:140:35:17

and she thought we had a burglar downstairs.

0:35:170:35:20

I then had the horrible moment where I thought, "Do I tell her it's not a burglar, it's my hips"

0:35:200:35:26

or do I say, "Maybe it's a burglar, let me finish and I'll have a look?"

0:35:260:35:29

-I opted for the truth.

-A yarn over?

0:35:310:35:34

A yarn over?

0:35:340:35:36

Cricket or that's just not cricket?

0:35:360:35:38

-Not cricket. What do you think it is?

-A yarn over? A crocheting term?

0:35:380:35:42

-Yes, it is!

-Is it?! Whoa!

0:35:420:35:44

APPLAUSE

0:35:440:35:46

Trying to pretend I didn't know that. I love crocheting(!)

0:35:460:35:50

You go on knitting holidays!

0:35:500:35:53

A landing strip, cricket or not cricket?

0:35:530:35:56

What is it?

0:35:560:35:57

It's, er...

0:35:590:36:00

It's...a way you can wax your nunny.

0:36:000:36:03

That's true, actually.

0:36:050:36:08

-It's a waxing term.

-Is it?

0:36:080:36:10

It's for a very thin strip.

0:36:100:36:12

-Steven even has won, obviously.

-Yay!

0:36:130:36:16

And he'll take home my sticky wicket.

0:36:160:36:18

My crocheting knowledge came through!

0:36:230:36:25

I have had a wonderful time tonight. thank you to all my lovely guests, the sensational Steven Mangan,

0:36:250:36:32

-the scintillating Sarah Millican, the bloody marvellous Jonathan Ross...

-Thank you.

0:36:320:36:37

..my band and the 99ers.

0:36:370:36:39

And of course, a huge thank you to you at home for watching.

0:36:390:36:43

To play us out tonight with her single, Sneaky Freak, it's the immensely talented Imelda May.

0:36:430:36:48

# I'm behind you

0:37:000:37:04

# I'm watching your back I'm going to find you

0:37:040:37:05

# Look in every crack I know your passwords

0:37:050:37:07

# I know you backwards I've cracked your codes

0:37:070:37:10

# I even search your clothes

0:37:100:37:11

# Cos I'm sneaky freak

0:37:110:37:13

# Yes, I'm sneaky freak

0:37:130:37:16

# Watch out cos I'm sneaky freak

0:37:160:37:19

# Oh, I'm a sneaky freak

0:37:190:37:21

# Cos I'm a creepy sneaky freak

0:37:220:37:26

# What you're up to? Cos I'm gonna find out his secrets

0:37:280:37:32

# Yeah, I know about it I picked your locks, yeah

0:37:320:37:35

# I stole your ID You'll never know it was me

0:37:350:37:37

# You'll never know it was me Cos I'm a sneaky freak

0:37:370:37:40

# Oh, I'm a sneaky freak

0:37:400:37:44

# Watch out cos I'm a sneaky freak

0:37:440:37:46

# Oh, I'm a sneaky freak

0:37:460:37:49

# Cos I'm a creepy sneaky freak

0:37:500:37:54

# Oh, you locked your door about quarter past four

0:37:550:37:59

# You're hiding something, I know

0:37:590:38:02

# You're holding your phone whenever you're at home

0:38:020:38:05

# You jump whenever it go-o-o-oes

0:38:050:38:10

# You got a feeling something's not right

0:38:110:38:14

# You should be keeping one eye open at night

0:38:140:38:17

# O'er your shoulder Was that something you saw?

0:38:170:38:19

# I'm getting bolder cos I'm above the law

0:38:190:38:22

#Cos I'm a sneaky freak

0:38:220:38:24

# Oh, I'm a sneaky freak

0:38:240:38:27

# Watch out, cos I'm a sneaky freak

0:38:270:38:29

# Oh, I'm a sneaky freak

0:38:290:38:32

# Cos I'm creepy sneaky freak

0:38:330:38:37

# Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

0:38:370:38:39

# Oh-ho-ho

0:38:450:38:47

# You've got a feeling something's not right

0:38:470:38:50

# You should be keeping one eye open at night

0:38:500:38:53

# O'er your shoulder Was there something you saw?

0:38:530:38:56

# I'm getting bolder cos I'm above the law

0:38:560:38:59

# Cos I'm a sneaky freak

0:38:590:39:00

# Oh, I'm a sneaky freak

0:39:000:39:03

# Watch out, cos I'm a sneaky freak

0:39:030:39:06

# Oh, I'm a sneak freak

0:39:060:39:10

# Cos I'm a creepy sneaky freak

0:39:100:39:13

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

0:39:130:39:15

# I'm a sneaky freak

0:39:150:39:17

# Oh, yes, I'm a sneaky freak

0:39:170:39:20

# Yeah, yeah, I'm a sneaky freak

0:39:200:39:23

# Oh-oh, I'm a sneaky freak

0:39:230:39:26

# Yeah, cos I'm a creepy sneaky freak

0:39:260:39:31

# Yeah!

0:39:310:39:32

# I'm creepy

0:39:320:39:34

# Oh, yeah, I'm sneaky

0:39:340:39:37

# Ow!

0:39:370:39:39

# Freaky! #

0:39:390:39:40

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:39:420:39:45

E-mail [email protected]

0:39:450:39:49

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