Browse content similar to Summer Holiday. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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'Is that an ice-cream in your Speedos, or are you just pleased to see her? | 0:00:17 | 0:00:20 | |
'It's Ruth Jones!' | 0:00:20 | 0:00:23 | |
# Her name is Ruthy And she dances on the sand | 0:00:23 | 0:00:29 | |
# And when she shines she really shows you all she can | 0:00:29 | 0:00:36 | |
# Oh Ruthy, Ruthy Dance across the Rio Grande. # | 0:00:36 | 0:00:43 | |
Ah! My lovely house band and my lovely house singers, The 99ers! | 0:00:45 | 0:00:50 | |
Are you all having a good summer? | 0:00:53 | 0:00:55 | |
-AUDIENCE: -Yes! | 0:00:55 | 0:00:57 | |
Well, it's about to get a whole lot better. | 0:00:57 | 0:01:00 | |
Tonight, we have got none other than the king of chat himself here, | 0:01:00 | 0:01:04 | |
the wonderfully irrepressible Jonathan Ross! | 0:01:04 | 0:01:09 | |
One of Britain's most talented comedy actors, Stephen Mangan will be here. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:12 | |
Plus, music from the rockabilly whirlwind that is Imelda May. | 0:01:14 | 0:01:18 | |
First up, she's one of my favourite comedians and I'm so excited to have her here tonight. | 0:01:18 | 0:01:24 | |
It's the award winning, cake-loving, fabulously funny, Sarah Millican. | 0:01:24 | 0:01:28 | |
# Oh, mysterious girl, I wanna get close to you | 0:01:31 | 0:01:38 | |
# Oh, mysterious girl Move your body close to mine | 0:01:41 | 0:01:49 | |
-# Close to mine. -# | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
-Welcome. -Is that all for me? -This is all for you. Do you like the hats? | 0:01:53 | 0:01:58 | |
-Thank you very much. They're brilliant. Are they glued on or... -No. | 0:01:58 | 0:02:02 | |
You're looking at me like I'm an idiot. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:04 | |
Are you in a holiday mood? | 0:02:04 | 0:02:06 | |
What's your ideal holiday? | 0:02:06 | 0:02:09 | |
I've just come back from a few days away, so I still haven't quite got | 0:02:09 | 0:02:14 | |
back to work, so if I nod off, it's just because it's nap time, you know. | 0:02:14 | 0:02:17 | |
It's fine, stick your feet up, go for it. I don't mind. | 0:02:17 | 0:02:20 | |
-I did a spa thing last week which was very nice. -Did you? -Yes. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:23 | |
I always get worried about the massage bits though, I'm not very used to them. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:28 | |
I get a bit scared of being semi naked in front of anybody, boyfriends included. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:32 | |
Singly! That sounded like it was plural! | 0:02:32 | 0:02:35 | |
And she said to me, the one I had last week, she said, | 0:02:35 | 0:02:39 | |
"Do you do a lot of standing up?" And I thought, cos I'm a stand-up, | 0:02:39 | 0:02:43 | |
that was her way of saying that she recognised me, and I said, | 0:02:43 | 0:02:47 | |
"Yes, I do." And she said, "Because your ankles are really swollen." | 0:02:47 | 0:02:51 | |
That's really nice. Have you ever... | 0:02:51 | 0:02:53 | |
We went to Thailand one year... | 0:02:53 | 0:02:55 | |
We had a husband and wife one, very above board. | 0:02:55 | 0:03:00 | |
Me and my husband were in the same room together with two masseuses, | 0:03:00 | 0:03:03 | |
or whatever the word is, and I'm sure they were just laughing at us blatantly. Going... | 0:03:03 | 0:03:08 | |
Like doing that at each other, or one on each other? | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
-No, one each, but kind of like... -"I'm on top, you carry on, Sheila." | 0:03:11 | 0:03:17 | |
Very strong arms. Built up the muscles. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:22 | |
I always think because I'm not skinny and I think | 0:03:22 | 0:03:26 | |
it must be better to massage somebody who's not skinny. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:30 | |
-Yes. -I think I'm, to be honest, giving them a treat. | 0:03:30 | 0:03:33 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:33 | 0:03:36 | |
Because it's like kneading dough to massage me, | 0:03:36 | 0:03:39 | |
-whereas a Skinny Mini, it would be like polishing a xylophone. -LAUGHTER | 0:03:39 | 0:03:46 | |
I know what you mean. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:48 | |
But you must need a bit of a holiday because you've got a big tour coming up, haven't you? | 0:03:48 | 0:03:51 | |
Yes, I've just finished one and I have another one coming up | 0:03:51 | 0:03:55 | |
in October so it's all a bit full-on, but it's good though, brilliant. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:59 | |
The best job in the world. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:01 | |
It's called Thoroughly Modern Millican. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:04 | |
-Yes. -It is starting in October. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:06 | |
-Are you going to go all around the country? -Yes, well that's the point of a tour, cos, you know... -No... | 0:04:06 | 0:04:12 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:04:12 | 0:04:16 | |
No, because you could just be doing your South East tour, you could just be doing a tour of Wales. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:22 | |
-What would be nice would be just to do like my living room and transport people from various towns. -Yes. | 0:04:22 | 0:04:29 | |
I don't think my agent would be keen, it's not very cost effective. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:33 | |
You are known as a stand-up of course, but you have also become a bit of an agony aunt. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:37 | |
Yes, just because I've had loads of problems. | 0:04:37 | 0:04:41 | |
-You've got a series on Radio Four called Support Group? -Yes. -Tell us about that. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:45 | |
With that we think of a problem, then open it up to the audience and chat to the audience | 0:04:45 | 0:04:49 | |
about if anybody's had that problem before and we try and fix the problem. | 0:04:49 | 0:04:53 | |
But it's scripted and it's comedy, it's not real, you know, | 0:04:53 | 0:04:56 | |
nobody has any qualifications, it's just a bit of daft carry on, but it's very entertaining. | 0:04:56 | 0:05:01 | |
We've got some people with some real issues in the audience tonight. | 0:05:01 | 0:05:04 | |
Have you just judged them, or did they tell you that? | 0:05:04 | 0:05:07 | |
-We thought maybe you could give them a bit of a helping hand if you wouldn't mind. -OK. | 0:05:07 | 0:05:12 | |
Where is Samantha and Barry? | 0:05:12 | 0:05:16 | |
Hi! Samantha says, "My partner's annoying habit is that he asks if I love him every ten minutes." | 0:05:16 | 0:05:21 | |
-That's really sweet. -It's not really a problem is it but... -Is he just a bit needy? | 0:05:21 | 0:05:26 | |
-(Yes.) -Yeah. Do you say, "I love you", so that she says it back? | 0:05:26 | 0:05:31 | |
Not really, no, but it's just nice being told isn't it? | 0:05:31 | 0:05:34 | |
Because you know at some point in the future there'll be a time when she says "Mm... | 0:05:34 | 0:05:38 | |
-"..not so much." -Is it better for him to stop asking and then it will always be a mystery? | 0:05:40 | 0:05:44 | |
-It will be a lovely surprise when they get divorced. -Ah! | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
Where is Clary and Lawrence? | 0:05:49 | 0:05:51 | |
-Hello. -Hi. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
Clary gets frustrated by Lawrence because he steals food. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:57 | |
-Yes. Very much so. -From who? | 0:05:57 | 0:06:01 | |
All of us. We are actually in university together and have been for four years | 0:06:01 | 0:06:05 | |
and the whole time Lawrence has managed to steal food off everyone every day. | 0:06:05 | 0:06:08 | |
He'll just lean over and take our chips off our plates. | 0:06:08 | 0:06:14 | |
Have you got a fork at this point? | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
Ugh! Stab his hand, he'll not do it again. | 0:06:17 | 0:06:20 | |
I'm a kindred spirit with you, I'm a northerner. You should get this, it's food. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:23 | |
-Don't bring me into this! -What's a northerner? | 0:06:23 | 0:06:28 | |
-A northerner. -A northerner. -From Yorkshire. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
Whereabouts? That's Midlands! | 0:06:30 | 0:06:33 | |
-No. -Where in Yorkshire are you from? -North Yorkshire, near York. | 0:06:33 | 0:06:38 | |
That's a fake accent you're doing. | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
-No, it's not. -That's what they sound like, flower. | 0:06:40 | 0:06:43 | |
-Is it? -Uh-huh. It's weird. -It is very weird. | 0:06:43 | 0:06:46 | |
Yours is a bit weird. | 0:06:46 | 0:06:49 | |
We'll cut him out! | 0:06:49 | 0:06:51 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:06:51 | 0:06:55 | |
-Thank you to you all for sharing your problems and thank you to Dr Millican for giving her advice. -Doctor! | 0:06:58 | 0:07:03 | |
Talking about therapy, you sort of used stand-up as a therapy when you started out, didn't you? | 0:07:05 | 0:07:10 | |
Yes, yes, I got divorced and some people go and sort of sleep around and some people get drunk a lot. | 0:07:10 | 0:07:16 | |
-Do they? -Once they get over their divorces. Apparently so. Have you not? -No. -OK. Too nice a girl. | 0:07:16 | 0:07:20 | |
But I just decided to get on a stage and tell a bunch of strangers about it which was weird but it worked. | 0:07:20 | 0:07:26 | |
-Yeah. -For the first six months it was definitely therapy. | 0:07:26 | 0:07:30 | |
You have this very sort of innocent, gentle persona, but your material is really dirty sometimes isn't it? | 0:07:30 | 0:07:36 | |
Yes, it's hard because whenever you do telly you're always quite clean because of the nature of television | 0:07:36 | 0:07:40 | |
and people obviously come and see you on tour and you get little old ladies and they're sort of, | 0:07:40 | 0:07:46 | |
"Oh, she's really clean on the telly." and then you start talking about filth and they stay. | 0:07:46 | 0:07:52 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
They never leave. | 0:07:54 | 0:07:55 | |
-Is it mainly sex you talk about? -Not at all, no. | 0:07:55 | 0:07:58 | |
They're obviously the bits that you are interested in though. | 0:07:58 | 0:08:00 | |
Yes, I must have tuned into that. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:03 | |
I talk to the audience about it and it's amazing because I come across | 0:08:03 | 0:08:07 | |
as being quite nice and approachable, people come out with all sorts of stuff. | 0:08:07 | 0:08:12 | |
I did this things in my last show about, shout out if you've ever | 0:08:12 | 0:08:16 | |
broken anything during sex and a lady shouted out that she'd broken a man's spirit. | 0:08:16 | 0:08:23 | |
Normally I was getting like lamps and ankles and things like that - but a man's spirit! | 0:08:23 | 0:08:29 | |
-But you're very broad-minded in your tastes and you're kind of like open to anything really? -Sounds terrible! | 0:08:29 | 0:08:36 | |
-Didn't you gain some male attention recently in rather an unusual situation? -Oh, yes. Oh, yes. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:45 | |
Erm, there was me and a couple of other comics went to Bristol Zoo and there was a very attractive gorilla. | 0:08:45 | 0:08:52 | |
Well, he gave me the eye and, you know, I hadn't long | 0:08:52 | 0:08:56 | |
been divorced and I didn't really know what flirting looked like, I've never really been good at it. | 0:08:56 | 0:09:01 | |
I like a hairy man so it's just that bit further. | 0:09:01 | 0:09:04 | |
Gorillas don't quite do it for me. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:07 | |
Do you know what I find weirdly attractive? | 0:09:07 | 0:09:10 | |
Railway station signs. | 0:09:10 | 0:09:14 | |
OK. So now I'm the bonkers one because I find monkeys attractive, | 0:09:14 | 0:09:18 | |
but you find signs sexy? Yes, like you know if you pull into Bristol Parkway | 0:09:18 | 0:09:23 | |
and it just says Bristol Parkway and it's just saying it there on the sign in a kind of really... | 0:09:23 | 0:09:29 | |
Why is it not saying (QUIETLY) Bristol Parkway? | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
Because it's confident, arrogant and | 0:09:31 | 0:09:34 | |
-it knows what it's doing. -It's just capitals, pet, that's all it is. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:37 | |
Do you find capitals attractive? | 0:09:37 | 0:09:39 | |
It could be a mixture of fonts. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:42 | |
But moving on, because as a special treat for you and your love of the hairy man, | 0:09:42 | 0:09:46 | |
I've signed you up to a particular little dating website called apedates. com. | 0:09:46 | 0:09:49 | |
-This doesn't really exist, shut your face! -Yes, it does. | 0:09:49 | 0:09:53 | |
How did I not know about this? | 0:09:53 | 0:09:57 | |
Sexy plus gorillas equals... Come on Google...nothing. | 0:09:57 | 0:10:01 | |
Have a look. You've had three hits already, you'll be pleased to know. | 0:10:01 | 0:10:05 | |
-I have? -Yes. -That's so funny. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:10 | |
-We've got gorilla number one is called... -Oh, he's moody isn't he? | 0:10:10 | 0:10:15 | |
-He is. -He is. That's so a come on, come on. | 0:10:15 | 0:10:19 | |
He looks like a teenage boy who doesn't want to clean his room. | 0:10:19 | 0:10:23 | |
-He's called Kigali, he's from Bristol. -He's from Bristol? -Yes. | 0:10:23 | 0:10:27 | |
-That might be him! -Number two is called Ambam from Ipswich. -He's nice. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:36 | |
Do you know what I like about him, is that he hasn't got the best figure in the world... | 0:10:36 | 0:10:41 | |
-But he's proud of it. -He's proud. He's going, "Yeah, this is me, come and have a cuddle." | 0:10:41 | 0:10:46 | |
He looks like he's just either had a scratch or is about to have a scratch. | 0:10:46 | 0:10:50 | |
The third one is Geoff. | 0:10:52 | 0:10:55 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:10:55 | 0:10:58 | |
He's posing like he's in a porn film. | 0:10:58 | 0:11:03 | |
I thought it was like he was on the loo actually. | 0:11:03 | 0:11:05 | |
Apparently he likes cuddling and throwing pooh. | 0:11:05 | 0:11:08 | |
Don't we all? | 0:11:08 | 0:11:10 | |
Which one are you going to go for? | 0:11:10 | 0:11:13 | |
I'm going to go with number two, Cilla, definitely number two. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:16 | |
-Why? Because he's a fantastic guy? -He's comfortable in his body and can I just ask, am I going to... | 0:11:16 | 0:11:22 | |
He's not like coming out is he? | 0:11:22 | 0:11:24 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:24 | 0:11:26 | |
-Yes, he is. -Is this like Take Me Out? Are we going to like go off on a mini break and then | 0:11:26 | 0:11:30 | |
-I'll have to come back next week and tell you how it went? -You can have a joint Thai massage with him. | 0:11:30 | 0:11:37 | |
I wish it was like that, I really do. | 0:11:37 | 0:11:39 | |
I think you make a lovely couple. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:41 | |
That's lovely. As long as he doesn't evolve into a man, you'll be all right. | 0:11:43 | 0:11:47 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, Sarah Millican. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:50 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:11:50 | 0:11:52 | |
My next guest tonight is no stranger to chat shows, though he's much more used to being in the driving seat. | 0:11:53 | 0:11:59 | |
It's such an honour to have him on my show. He's been making us laugh for years. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:02 | |
He's witty, charming, downright lush. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:06 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Jonathan Ross. | 0:12:06 | 0:12:10 | |
# I'm walking on sunshine, whoa | 0:12:10 | 0:12:15 | |
# I'm walking on sunshine, whoa | 0:12:15 | 0:12:20 | |
# And don't it feel good? Hey, all right now | 0:12:20 | 0:12:25 | |
# And don't it feel good? Hey, all right | 0:12:25 | 0:12:28 | |
-# And don't it feel good? -# | 0:12:28 | 0:12:30 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:12:30 | 0:12:32 | |
Thank you. Thank you very much. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:35 | |
-How very kind. -It's so exciting, Jonathan Ross is on the sofa. | 0:12:35 | 0:12:38 | |
It's so exciting to be here. You both look gorgeous and now we know you're both filthy minxes as well. | 0:12:38 | 0:12:43 | |
-Yes. -I'll tell you who you want. Have you seen Tom Jones recently? | 0:12:43 | 0:12:47 | |
-He looks like a big silverback now he's let the hair grow. -He's let it all go. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:52 | |
What's it like being on the other side? Normally you are sat here. | 0:12:52 | 0:12:54 | |
For a minute I thought I'd died. I thought maybe this might be the waiting room. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:58 | |
Is this what it's like? I've got to pass the test to get in? | 0:12:58 | 0:13:02 | |
With Ruth Jones and Sarah Millican. | 0:13:02 | 0:13:05 | |
To be interviewed. I like being interviewed because as you were perhaps aware about me, | 0:13:05 | 0:13:10 | |
I quite like talking, I enjoy talking, I enjoy talking with people and at people. | 0:13:10 | 0:13:15 | |
I like noise coming out of my body. If I'm alone, I will make noises. | 0:13:15 | 0:13:19 | |
My wife will find me and I'll be talking to people. | 0:13:19 | 0:13:22 | |
I rehearse conversations and now she just ignores it. | 0:13:22 | 0:13:26 | |
What is it like when you do go on other people's shows? | 0:13:26 | 0:13:28 | |
Are you a bit control freaky and think, they should be doing it this way or that way? | 0:13:28 | 0:13:33 | |
No, no, no, that would be kind of rude I think. | 0:13:33 | 0:13:35 | |
-I enjoyed that, you were so funny. Wasn't Sarah hilarious? -Thank you. | 0:13:35 | 0:13:39 | |
I can't imagine... Yes, she's brilliant. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:41 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:13:41 | 0:13:43 | |
So I was watching back there and we were all enjoying ourselves, | 0:13:43 | 0:13:46 | |
but I can't imagine you having a proper job where | 0:13:46 | 0:13:48 | |
you weren't being funny because if you had to deliver bad news... | 0:13:48 | 0:13:51 | |
-You've got a lovely, but silly voice. -Coming from you! | 0:13:51 | 0:13:57 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:57 | 0:14:00 | |
-You have a point. -Didn't you work in a call centre once? | 0:14:00 | 0:14:05 | |
Yes, I used to work in a call centre. | 0:14:05 | 0:14:07 | |
-What was it for? -For the Jobcentre for people making claims to benefit. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:11 | |
So if I phoned you up and said, what would it be? "I haven't got my benefit this week, | 0:14:11 | 0:14:15 | |
"we are up against it, I need some money urgently, there's no food on the table, | 0:14:15 | 0:14:19 | |
"please madam, please, I implore you, help." | 0:14:19 | 0:14:21 | |
-And then what do you want me to do? My funny voice at you? -Well, no, I'm saying... | 0:14:21 | 0:14:25 | |
I mean I couldn't probably give you any money, but at least I'd cheer you up with my stupid voice. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:30 | |
Now hang on, don't get all arsey, I didn't say it was a stupid voice. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:34 | |
You said silly which is one step along from stupid. | 0:14:34 | 0:14:37 | |
Is it or is it not a silly voice? | 0:14:37 | 0:14:38 | |
-AUDIENCE: -No! | 0:14:38 | 0:14:40 | |
-See, they all think no. -You weren't saying that earlier. | 0:14:40 | 0:14:44 | |
They were saying. "That woman with that stupid voice is on. | 0:14:44 | 0:14:47 | |
"She used to work in a Jobcentre you know." | 0:14:47 | 0:14:49 | |
You've been off our screens for a while but you're coming back in September? | 0:14:49 | 0:14:53 | |
I'm back with a talk show in September and yes, doing loads of different bits, but back on ITV with | 0:14:53 | 0:14:57 | |
a talk show and they're putting us after The X Factor on a Saturday night. | 0:14:57 | 0:15:01 | |
-Brilliant. -Part of me is concerned because The X Factor is a huge show and it gets a big audience. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:05 | |
I'm worried it will have a big audience and I'm going to go on and it will go bumph. | 0:15:05 | 0:15:09 | |
You're hoping to keep some of the audience, but worried that it's not going to reflect well on you. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:14 | |
-But I'm looking forward to it. -Maybe some people will have lost their remote and you'll get those. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:18 | |
I'm hoping we'll get a lot of people in homes and doctors' waiting rooms, | 0:15:18 | 0:15:22 | |
places where the TV is behind a glass box and you can't get to it, | 0:15:22 | 0:15:26 | |
-In a cage. -Yes, safe. -You must really enjoy it though? | 0:15:26 | 0:15:29 | |
I do, I love doing it. I love doing it. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:31 | |
I love meeting people and I'm always excited when someone new comes along. | 0:15:31 | 0:15:35 | |
I would love to have Sarah on my show because when someone new comes along | 0:15:35 | 0:15:39 | |
who you find talented and funny, or you like a movie they're in or | 0:15:39 | 0:15:42 | |
something they've done, it's exciting to get to meet them. | 0:15:42 | 0:15:44 | |
I still get excited when I meet people. | 0:15:44 | 0:15:46 | |
It's exciting when you get to talk to them and find out a bit about them. I love that side of it. | 0:15:46 | 0:15:50 | |
When you come back in September, will it be similar to shows you've done before or can you not tell us? | 0:15:50 | 0:15:55 | |
We haven't really planned it yet. We've just started talking now. It's going to be similar. | 0:15:55 | 0:16:00 | |
It's going to have big-name guests on and music, | 0:16:00 | 0:16:03 | |
but really there's not that much you can do. | 0:16:03 | 0:16:05 | |
If you try too hard... | 0:16:05 | 0:16:08 | |
You come to the building blocks | 0:16:08 | 0:16:10 | |
of whether you have all the guests on at once, | 0:16:10 | 0:16:13 | |
get rid of the first and get the second one on. | 0:16:13 | 0:16:17 | |
It depends on what you like doing as a host. | 0:16:17 | 0:16:19 | |
But it's just going to be the same kind of show, but on ITV. | 0:16:19 | 0:16:23 | |
So tell me about your wife, Jane Goldman, a brilliant screenwriter. | 0:16:23 | 0:16:26 | |
Yes. | 0:16:26 | 0:16:28 | |
Is it a bit of a media powerhouse in the Ross household? | 0:16:28 | 0:16:32 | |
No, you know what's so ridiculous, | 0:16:32 | 0:16:33 | |
I've achieved a certain level of success in my career, | 0:16:33 | 0:16:36 | |
and it's been a rollercoaster, there have been ups and downs, | 0:16:36 | 0:16:39 | |
and she's had different successes in different areas as well. | 0:16:39 | 0:16:43 | |
Like, when we first got together, she was really successful, | 0:16:43 | 0:16:47 | |
working for magazines, she's always been a writer, she started screenplays, | 0:16:47 | 0:16:50 | |
and I adore the fact she's having success, | 0:16:50 | 0:16:53 | |
and I love that it's come to her, she deserves it. | 0:16:53 | 0:16:56 | |
Also, I love the fact that she's earning money. | 0:16:56 | 0:16:58 | |
Although - here is the weird thing - we still have separate accounts. | 0:16:58 | 0:17:02 | |
-Do you?! -She has a separate account. | 0:17:03 | 0:17:05 | |
We have a joint account that all my money's going to, | 0:17:05 | 0:17:08 | |
and we have a separate account that all her money goes to. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:11 | |
What do you do if you don't like some of the films she's written? | 0:17:11 | 0:17:15 | |
I've been lucky that I have liked all the films. | 0:17:15 | 0:17:19 | |
I haven't seen all of them, because a couple aren't finished. | 0:17:19 | 0:17:21 | |
You must have a lot of friends who're actors who are in films. | 0:17:21 | 0:17:24 | |
What if they're in a film you don't like? | 0:17:24 | 0:17:26 | |
I've learned to lie, because once or twice I was honest, | 0:17:26 | 0:17:29 | |
and I remember a while ago... | 0:17:29 | 0:17:30 | |
You know who I'm talking about. He said, "What do you think about it?," | 0:17:30 | 0:17:34 | |
and I thought it wasn't very good at all, I was surprised. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:38 | |
He didn't call me for a month, and my wife said, "What did you expect?" | 0:17:38 | 0:17:41 | |
I said, "You didn't like it." | 0:17:41 | 0:17:42 | |
She said, "Yes, but I didn't tell him I didn't like it." | 0:17:42 | 0:17:45 | |
I said, "But he asked you what he thought of it." | 0:17:45 | 0:17:48 | |
She said, "He didn't want to know." | 0:17:48 | 0:17:49 | |
It's like a secret code going on that I don't fully understand. | 0:17:49 | 0:17:52 | |
If someone asks you what you think about it, | 0:17:52 | 0:17:54 | |
you are not meant to say what you think about it. | 0:17:54 | 0:17:57 | |
You're say, "It's great." | 0:17:57 | 0:17:58 | |
Hollywood rules. | 0:17:58 | 0:18:00 | |
But there's ways of doing it. You can say things like... | 0:18:01 | 0:18:04 | |
I've been to see people in plays and I've gone, | 0:18:04 | 0:18:07 | |
"You looked like you really enjoyed doing that." | 0:18:07 | 0:18:09 | |
Or, "You've got a lot of confidence, haven't you?" | 0:18:09 | 0:18:12 | |
They must know you're avoiding it! | 0:18:12 | 0:18:14 | |
I'll say, "Well, you've done it again." | 0:18:14 | 0:18:17 | |
They must know you're not being effusive in your praise. | 0:18:17 | 0:18:21 | |
"Only you could have done that!" | 0:18:22 | 0:18:25 | |
That's a good one, isn't it, "You!" | 0:18:25 | 0:18:28 | |
If someone does that to you, you think, "Oh, you hated it." | 0:18:28 | 0:18:32 | |
So with you both having these big careers, | 0:18:32 | 0:18:34 | |
how do you juggle family life? Because you've got a big family, loads of animals in the house. | 0:18:34 | 0:18:38 | |
I tend to look after the animals more. | 0:18:38 | 0:18:41 | |
-How many animals have you got? -I don't know, | 0:18:41 | 0:18:44 | |
but I love my dogs more than I love my children or my wife and I... | 0:18:44 | 0:18:47 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:47 | 0:18:49 | |
Yes, you're going like that, but you haven't met 'em. | 0:18:49 | 0:18:51 | |
Now, I love my family, but the thing about dogs is, | 0:18:51 | 0:18:54 | |
they just know they love you and they trust you. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:57 | |
They're needy. | 0:18:57 | 0:18:59 | |
And a dog will never beat you at Scrabble. | 0:18:59 | 0:19:01 | |
If it did, you'd really have problems. | 0:19:01 | 0:19:03 | |
But you love your dogs a little bit too much, I think, because... | 0:19:03 | 0:19:08 | |
Hold on, what are you going to say here? Because nothing was proven, it was an accident. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:12 | |
No, no, I slipped over, I'd had a shower, the towel came loose. | 0:19:12 | 0:19:15 | |
You know, I resent you saying this, Jones. | 0:19:15 | 0:19:17 | |
All I was going to say was that you have | 0:19:19 | 0:19:21 | |
a particular penchant for dressing them up. | 0:19:21 | 0:19:24 | |
They like to be dressed up. | 0:19:24 | 0:19:26 | |
They look at me in clothes. I can almost read their minds. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:29 | |
They look at me in my finery sometimes and think, | 0:19:29 | 0:19:31 | |
"Why for me no cravat? | 0:19:31 | 0:19:32 | |
"Why don't I have a pair of fancy slippers?" | 0:19:32 | 0:19:34 | |
Is that what you think they're thinking when they look at you? | 0:19:34 | 0:19:38 | |
"Where's my corset?" Look. | 0:19:38 | 0:19:39 | |
Yes. | 0:19:39 | 0:19:41 | |
That's one happy dog right there, and it was Halloween. | 0:19:41 | 0:19:44 | |
I was dressed as a devil, he was saying, "Where's my costume?" | 0:19:44 | 0:19:48 | |
We dressed him as Yoda. Look at that! | 0:19:48 | 0:19:52 | |
I think that's so... He's humiliated. | 0:19:52 | 0:19:54 | |
-No, he loved it. -He's looking at you going, | 0:19:54 | 0:19:56 | |
"Why the hell are you such a bastard? Why did you do this to me?" | 0:19:56 | 0:20:00 | |
I think that's his sexy face. | 0:20:00 | 0:20:02 | |
Do you? Are you going more that way than the gorillas now? | 0:20:02 | 0:20:05 | |
I love an animal in clothes. It helped me through my divorce. | 0:20:05 | 0:20:09 | |
Somebody said to me that I was working with, | 0:20:09 | 0:20:11 | |
"Is there anything I can do to help?," | 0:20:11 | 0:20:13 | |
and I think he expected me to say, "Can we talk it out?," | 0:20:13 | 0:20:16 | |
and I just said, "I really love pictures of animals in clothes." | 0:20:16 | 0:20:20 | |
So I'd be crying at my desk | 0:20:20 | 0:20:21 | |
and he'd send an e-mail across and it would be a pig in slippers. | 0:20:21 | 0:20:24 | |
It's a great thing. | 0:20:24 | 0:20:27 | |
We've got one more, I think. | 0:20:27 | 0:20:29 | |
Right. | 0:20:29 | 0:20:31 | |
-That's my beloved... -I'm sorry. | 0:20:31 | 0:20:33 | |
That's Mr Pickle. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:34 | |
He likes cross dressing. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:36 | |
We've got a lot of good outfits for him now. | 0:20:36 | 0:20:38 | |
But it's quite hard to size dogs. | 0:20:38 | 0:20:40 | |
You know when you're out and you see a dog outfit and you think, | 0:20:40 | 0:20:44 | |
"That's going to suit him," you get it home and it doesn't fit. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:47 | |
For example now, I know that Yoda's chest is that big, | 0:20:47 | 0:20:51 | |
and Pickle, you have to be that big all over. | 0:20:51 | 0:20:53 | |
With Princess, you can get a double fist like that, and that'll do her, | 0:20:53 | 0:20:57 | |
so I'll say to him, "Will it fit that? | 0:20:57 | 0:20:59 | |
So you'll often see me in the shop going... | 0:20:59 | 0:21:01 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:21:01 | 0:21:06 | |
That wasn't even me! | 0:21:06 | 0:21:07 | |
That wasn't me, that was entirely you! | 0:21:07 | 0:21:09 | |
That really wasn't me. | 0:21:09 | 0:21:11 | |
But I'll go, "Have you got anything for that? | 0:21:12 | 0:21:14 | |
"And I want the pink thing in that size, please." | 0:21:14 | 0:21:18 | |
You are essentially, though, a big kid, aren't you? | 0:21:18 | 0:21:21 | |
-You love playing, you love your comics. -Yes. | 0:21:21 | 0:21:25 | |
I don't know whether I'm immature, | 0:21:25 | 0:21:26 | |
but I have fairly unsophisticated taste, | 0:21:26 | 0:21:28 | |
although I quite like grown-up things, | 0:21:28 | 0:21:30 | |
and I've raised a family, so I'm a reasonable adult, | 0:21:30 | 0:21:33 | |
but at the same time, I do like the things that I liked | 0:21:33 | 0:21:35 | |
when I was a kid. I think it just marks me as consistent. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:38 | |
Did you have more athleticism | 0:21:38 | 0:21:39 | |
when you were younger that you are kind of losing? | 0:21:39 | 0:21:42 | |
Does that make you sad? | 0:21:42 | 0:21:44 | |
I am getting older, yes, and I am getting stiffer, not in a good way. | 0:21:44 | 0:21:48 | |
You put your hand up to me there! | 0:21:48 | 0:21:50 | |
Because we can all see you gagging for it tonight. | 0:21:52 | 0:21:55 | |
I'm only going like that, you almost had to be hosed down! | 0:21:55 | 0:21:58 | |
Do you find now that, as you are getting older, are you making the noise as you get out of the sofa? | 0:21:58 | 0:22:03 | |
Yes, but I overdo it, because I like to amuse my wife with it. | 0:22:03 | 0:22:07 | |
So it's like, "Agh," like that, but sometimes I'll go, "Josepha!" | 0:22:07 | 0:22:13 | |
Stuff like that, "Sweet bloody Moses!," you know. | 0:22:13 | 0:22:17 | |
Different words to keep her on her toes. | 0:22:19 | 0:22:21 | |
I go the other way, I do a canny little noise like a "Ooh, ooh!" | 0:22:21 | 0:22:25 | |
Then it sounds much more adorable. | 0:22:25 | 0:22:29 | |
But you're years younger than we are. | 0:22:29 | 0:22:31 | |
I thought you were about 24, I thought Sarah was 24. | 0:22:31 | 0:22:35 | |
-35. -I was amazed, no way you look 35. | 0:22:35 | 0:22:37 | |
-Thank you. -It's true. | 0:22:37 | 0:22:38 | |
You should agree. | 0:22:39 | 0:22:41 | |
You kept saying how good you were | 0:22:41 | 0:22:43 | |
at not really telling the truth anymore, so... | 0:22:43 | 0:22:46 | |
I'm worried I may have missed out a few little things, | 0:22:46 | 0:22:50 | |
so I was wondering if you would just indulge me | 0:22:50 | 0:22:54 | |
in a little game of Ross's Rapid Replies? | 0:22:54 | 0:22:57 | |
I'll indulge you in the game as long as I don't have to pronounce it. | 0:22:57 | 0:23:01 | |
That would be cruel of you to make me do that. | 0:23:01 | 0:23:04 | |
I'm not cruel. I would like you to sit in the hot seat, | 0:23:04 | 0:23:07 | |
and I'm going to hurl a load of | 0:23:07 | 0:23:09 | |
-quick-fire questions at you. -All right. | 0:23:09 | 0:23:11 | |
And you just have to answer the first thing that comes into your head. | 0:23:11 | 0:23:14 | |
The hot seat. | 0:23:14 | 0:23:17 | |
LOUD MUSIC PLAYS | 0:23:17 | 0:23:19 | |
Don't do that! | 0:23:19 | 0:23:20 | |
They've finished me off! | 0:23:22 | 0:23:24 | |
Here we go, just the first answer that comes into your head. | 0:23:24 | 0:23:27 | |
Starting now. Halloween or Christmas? | 0:23:27 | 0:23:29 | |
Halloween. | 0:23:29 | 0:23:30 | |
Beard or no beard? | 0:23:30 | 0:23:32 | |
On men, beard, on women, it kind of depends, really. | 0:23:33 | 0:23:37 | |
-Ant or Dec? -No, I can't choose between my sons. | 0:23:39 | 0:23:42 | |
You can't choose Ant or Dec | 0:23:42 | 0:23:45 | |
because the other one's going to be upset, and everyone prefers Dec. | 0:23:45 | 0:23:48 | |
Do you know which is which? | 0:23:48 | 0:23:49 | |
Ant has the bigger forehead, Dec has the smaller forehead. | 0:23:49 | 0:23:52 | |
OK. Comics or dogs? | 0:23:52 | 0:23:55 | |
It would be dogs. | 0:23:55 | 0:23:56 | |
I would sacrifice my comics for my dogs. | 0:23:56 | 0:23:58 | |
Wales or England? | 0:23:58 | 0:24:00 | |
Well, come on! | 0:24:00 | 0:24:02 | |
Superman or Iron Man? | 0:24:03 | 0:24:05 | |
I love the fact you didn't even expect me to answer that! | 0:24:05 | 0:24:08 | |
Iron Man. I prefer Iron Man. | 0:24:08 | 0:24:10 | |
Meat or veg? | 0:24:10 | 0:24:12 | |
Meat, I like meat, I love meat. | 0:24:12 | 0:24:14 | |
OK. Knickers or thong? | 0:24:16 | 0:24:17 | |
Knickers any day of the week. Thongs are wrong, | 0:24:17 | 0:24:20 | |
there's something about a thong when you think, | 0:24:20 | 0:24:22 | |
"What's it been doing up there all day?" | 0:24:22 | 0:24:24 | |
It's not healthy, it's not nice. | 0:24:24 | 0:24:26 | |
Gavin or Stacey? | 0:24:26 | 0:24:28 | |
It's got to be Stacey. | 0:24:28 | 0:24:30 | |
Finally, back or front? | 0:24:30 | 0:24:31 | |
Well... | 0:24:33 | 0:24:35 | |
For normal occasions, front, for anniversaries and birthdays, back. | 0:24:35 | 0:24:39 | |
Thank you, Jonathan. | 0:24:46 | 0:24:49 | |
I feel I've got to know you a lot better. | 0:24:49 | 0:24:52 | |
-Thank you. -Jonathan Ross, ladies and gentlemen. | 0:24:52 | 0:24:55 | |
Thank you. | 0:24:55 | 0:24:58 | |
My final guest is one of Britain's best-loved comedy actors. | 0:24:58 | 0:25:02 | |
He's conquered the small screen, the big screen and the stage. | 0:25:02 | 0:25:05 | |
Please welcome the gorgeously brilliant Stephen Mangan. | 0:25:05 | 0:25:08 | |
MUSIC: "Surfin' USA" | 0:25:08 | 0:25:16 | |
You look like a bit of a surfer to me. Are you a surfer? | 0:25:33 | 0:25:35 | |
-Tried it once, I absolutely hated it. -Did you? | 0:25:35 | 0:25:39 | |
It's like trying not to drown for half an hour. | 0:25:39 | 0:25:41 | |
How is your summer going anyway? | 0:25:41 | 0:25:44 | |
-My summer's going great, yes. -You've got little ones now? | 0:25:44 | 0:25:47 | |
Yes, it changes the whole holidays completely, | 0:25:47 | 0:25:50 | |
because you keep looking at them thinking, | 0:25:50 | 0:25:52 | |
"It would be easier at home." | 0:25:52 | 0:25:54 | |
It's all the equipment you have to bring. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:56 | |
You need trucks, like going on tour. | 0:25:56 | 0:25:59 | |
-I just need a Micra, pet. -I imagine you're like Dolly Parton, | 0:25:59 | 0:26:04 | |
-with seven wagons with your face on them. -I'd love my face on a wagon. | 0:26:04 | 0:26:07 | |
Yes, we could sort that out, surely. | 0:26:07 | 0:26:10 | |
Going on holiday in your pre-child phase, did you go on exotic holidays? | 0:26:10 | 0:26:16 | |
If you had a job lined up, finish one job, a couple of months off, | 0:26:16 | 0:26:22 | |
I would just go, and I've been to Honduras, Nicaragua, | 0:26:22 | 0:26:25 | |
El Salvador and China and Laos. | 0:26:25 | 0:26:28 | |
What about when you went to Jerusalem and you got interrogated, didn't you? | 0:26:28 | 0:26:32 | |
Yes, I did. | 0:26:32 | 0:26:33 | |
I've been to Israel once, and when you check in to EL AL, | 0:26:33 | 0:26:36 | |
the security before the check-in desk, | 0:26:36 | 0:26:39 | |
there was a girl about 20 years old with a semi-automatic rifle, | 0:26:39 | 0:26:44 | |
and she said, "What's your name?" "Stephen Mangan." | 0:26:44 | 0:26:48 | |
She said, "Where are you going?" I don't know what accent I'm doing! | 0:26:48 | 0:26:53 | |
Peckham, she was from Peckham! | 0:26:54 | 0:26:57 | |
She said, "Where are you going?" I said, "Jerusalem." | 0:26:57 | 0:27:00 | |
"What to do?" I said, "Well, drink a lot, bit of bad dancing." | 0:27:00 | 0:27:03 | |
She said, "No jokes. What do you do in your life?" | 0:27:03 | 0:27:06 | |
And she twitched the gun like this, | 0:27:06 | 0:27:08 | |
and I said, "I'm an actor," she said, "What sort of acting?" | 0:27:08 | 0:27:11 | |
I said, "Well, you know, telly and the odd film," | 0:27:11 | 0:27:14 | |
and she goes, "Did you go to drama school?," and I said, "Yes." | 0:27:14 | 0:27:19 | |
She went, "Where?" I said, "RADA," | 0:27:19 | 0:27:21 | |
and she said, "How did you get into RADA?" | 0:27:21 | 0:27:23 | |
I said, "Well, I did some pieces..." | 0:27:23 | 0:27:27 | |
She said, "What sort of pieces did you do to get into RADA?" | 0:27:27 | 0:27:30 | |
I was terrified at this stage, all I could see was the gun. | 0:27:30 | 0:27:34 | |
I said, "I did a bit of Othello, a modern piece, | 0:27:34 | 0:27:36 | |
a bit of Samuel Beckett. She goes, "Samuel Beckett?" | 0:27:36 | 0:27:39 | |
I said, "Yes, one of his radio plays." | 0:27:39 | 0:27:41 | |
She said, "For a theatre audition?" | 0:27:41 | 0:27:44 | |
I said, "Yes, it worked quite well. | 0:27:46 | 0:27:48 | |
"I know it was for radio, but I'm sure he wouldn't have minded." | 0:27:48 | 0:27:51 | |
I said, "Why...?" She goes, "I want to be an actress, I want to know." | 0:27:51 | 0:27:54 | |
Brilliant. | 0:27:54 | 0:27:56 | |
Terrified. | 0:27:56 | 0:27:59 | |
-We actually worked together years ago. -We did. | 0:27:59 | 0:28:02 | |
-It's actually ten years ago. -Can you believe that? | 0:28:02 | 0:28:04 | |
We were in Adrian Mole, the Cappuccino Years | 0:28:04 | 0:28:08 | |
and you played Adrian Mole very brilliantly | 0:28:08 | 0:28:10 | |
and I played your ex-girlfriend Sharon Bott, | 0:28:10 | 0:28:13 | |
-and I looked for the clip... -No way. -..and I found it. | 0:28:13 | 0:28:16 | |
'Sharon Bott. | 0:28:18 | 0:28:20 | |
'She took my virginity in that house. | 0:28:20 | 0:28:23 | |
'Oh, I didn't struggle much, 'she was so very beautiful. | 0:28:23 | 0:28:27 | |
'She's obviously heard I'm back and wants to reawaken our sexual affair. | 0:28:29 | 0:28:34 | |
'Sharon Bott. | 0:28:35 | 0:28:37 | |
'Some of my best poetry was written in praise of her beauty.' | 0:28:37 | 0:28:41 | |
Hello, Adrian. | 0:28:48 | 0:28:49 | |
'Christ, it's Moby Dick with a perm! | 0:28:49 | 0:28:53 | |
It was a good look. | 0:28:58 | 0:29:00 | |
You know, when you're a little boy, | 0:29:00 | 0:29:03 | |
you dream of playing James Bond, don't you? | 0:29:03 | 0:29:06 | |
-I got Adrian Mole. -So tell me about Episodes. | 0:29:06 | 0:29:09 | |
For those who haven't seen it, it's fantastic. What is it about? | 0:29:09 | 0:29:12 | |
It's about a couple of writers, Tamsin Greg and I are a husband and wife writing team | 0:29:12 | 0:29:17 | |
who have a big hit in the UK | 0:29:17 | 0:29:19 | |
with a show starring Richard Griffiths. | 0:29:19 | 0:29:22 | |
The Americans love it and want to buy it so we ship it out to LA | 0:29:22 | 0:29:26 | |
and make us sack Richard Griffiths and hire Matt Le Blanc, | 0:29:26 | 0:29:30 | |
as the erudite elderly headmaster of a boys' elite boarding school. | 0:29:30 | 0:29:34 | |
-Obvious choice(!) -So we had to change the entire script to make him a hockey coach | 0:29:34 | 0:29:38 | |
-and it's about us coming up against the whole Hollywood system. -Have you guys seen it? Episodes? | 0:29:38 | 0:29:43 | |
I saw one which I loved, but because I was watching out of sync I'm waiting for the DVD | 0:29:43 | 0:29:47 | |
because otherwise you miss the good stuff. It was very good. | 0:29:47 | 0:29:51 | |
He seems to really get what you're doing as well. | 0:29:51 | 0:29:54 | |
I know this sounds snobbish, but you expect English actors | 0:29:54 | 0:29:57 | |
-to be a bit more intelligent than American actors, does that sound wrong? -Not to me. | 0:29:57 | 0:30:02 | |
So he seems to really, you know, | 0:30:03 | 0:30:05 | |
-he seems great with it. -He's a very smart guy. -You're doing another series? | 0:30:05 | 0:30:09 | |
Yes, nine episodes this time. | 0:30:09 | 0:30:11 | |
-Fantastic. But really the thing you get recognised for a lot is your part in Alan Partridge? -Yes. | 0:30:11 | 0:30:17 | |
Tell us about that, because it's a very well-known scene, isn't it, where Alan Partridge is cooling off? | 0:30:17 | 0:30:23 | |
Yes, I played Dan Moody, | 0:30:23 | 0:30:25 | |
Dan of Moodyshire, | 0:30:25 | 0:30:27 | |
who's a rather sort of lust-filled kitchen salesman... | 0:30:27 | 0:30:32 | |
..who is very like Alan Partridge, I love LEXI. | 0:30:34 | 0:30:37 | |
We both wear Lynx Africa. | 0:30:37 | 0:30:40 | |
What happens in the actual scene? | 0:30:40 | 0:30:43 | |
He sort of idolises me, sees me across a car park and in the script | 0:30:43 | 0:30:48 | |
it says he shouts, "Dan, Dan" and that's it. | 0:30:48 | 0:30:51 | |
But when we did it on the day, he just didn't stop. | 0:30:51 | 0:30:54 | |
I mean, he went on and on and on and after that came out, | 0:30:54 | 0:30:57 | |
I couldn't go into a shop without the guy behind the till... | 0:30:57 | 0:31:01 | |
The joke only works if you say it 42 times, | 0:31:01 | 0:31:03 | |
so you have to stand there when someone's going, "Dan, Dan." | 0:31:03 | 0:31:07 | |
Do you get recognised in peculiar places? | 0:31:07 | 0:31:11 | |
Sometimes, yes. | 0:31:11 | 0:31:13 | |
I get occasionally recognised. | 0:31:13 | 0:31:15 | |
The first time I was properly recognised, I was on my way to my smear test... | 0:31:15 | 0:31:19 | |
Luckily I wasn't in the smear test, | 0:31:23 | 0:31:25 | |
but I was on my way and then this lady recognised me and said, | 0:31:25 | 0:31:28 | |
"Where are you off to now?" "Just an appointment." I couldn't say, "To get my fanny looked at." | 0:31:28 | 0:31:33 | |
I had a similar appointment to that, a bit of a female examination | 0:31:36 | 0:31:40 | |
and the doctor was there and the nurse and they're smiling away, | 0:31:40 | 0:31:44 | |
asking me if I'm going on holiday this year while doing their thing. | 0:31:44 | 0:31:48 | |
As I was leaving, the nurse said to me, "Oh, by way, | 0:31:48 | 0:31:50 | |
"I'm a big fan of your character," and I said, "You've seen a lot more of my character today, haven't you?" | 0:31:50 | 0:31:57 | |
It is quite weird. Have you been in awkward positions where you've been recognised? | 0:31:57 | 0:32:01 | |
Yes, I was on my way to a smear test and... | 0:32:01 | 0:32:04 | |
apparently I shouldn't have been in the building. | 0:32:04 | 0:32:07 | |
So it was kind of fortunate. | 0:32:07 | 0:32:10 | |
I get regular colonoscopies every year and the first one, | 0:32:10 | 0:32:14 | |
you wear the gown that opens to the back. | 0:32:14 | 0:32:16 | |
They give you this thing and say it's like a Martini, it was like 15 Martinis... | 0:32:16 | 0:32:20 | |
And they open the gown up and they were just lubeing me up | 0:32:20 | 0:32:23 | |
and the bloke went, "Hang on a minute, | 0:32:23 | 0:32:25 | |
"you're in Green Wing aren't you," I thought, "How did he recognise me?" | 0:32:25 | 0:32:30 | |
No! | 0:32:30 | 0:32:31 | |
-Oh, my God, that is awful! -I've never seen an episode of Green Wing. -No, you should get the box set. | 0:32:31 | 0:32:36 | |
You're a big sports lover, aren't you? | 0:32:36 | 0:32:39 | |
-I am, yes. -I'm not. | 0:32:39 | 0:32:41 | |
I don't know ANYTHING about sports whatsoever. | 0:32:41 | 0:32:44 | |
But do you travel around the world watching cricket and things? | 0:32:44 | 0:32:47 | |
I used to, not since the kids ruined my life, but... | 0:32:47 | 0:32:51 | |
I mean, they're all right, kids, but travelling to watch sport, that's living. | 0:32:52 | 0:32:57 | |
I go and watch cricket a lot, I have been in the past. | 0:32:57 | 0:33:00 | |
The thing I like about cricket is that it does have really odd words, doesn't it, very odd terminology? | 0:33:00 | 0:33:06 | |
-Yes. -So I thought we could have a little celebration of all things cricket seeing as it is summer, | 0:33:06 | 0:33:12 | |
-by having a little game of That's Just Not Cricket. -Oh, right. | 0:33:12 | 0:33:16 | |
So what I'm going to do is, I'm going to give you a series of terms, | 0:33:16 | 0:33:20 | |
and I want you to tell me if it's cricket terms or not. I'm going to give you a cricket bat | 0:33:20 | 0:33:25 | |
that says cricket or not cricket. | 0:33:25 | 0:33:27 | |
So there you go, you can have a bat each. You've all got one | 0:33:27 | 0:33:30 | |
and you're all in with a chance | 0:33:30 | 0:33:32 | |
of winning nothing less than the Ruth Jones sticky wicket. | 0:33:32 | 0:33:38 | |
-Right? That's up for grabs. -Oh, hello. | 0:33:38 | 0:33:41 | |
I've met him. | 0:33:41 | 0:33:44 | |
All you have to do is tell me... I'm going to hurl some terms at you. | 0:33:44 | 0:33:48 | |
Tell me whether they're cricket or that's just not cricket, right. | 0:33:48 | 0:33:52 | |
Do we HAVE to take that home? | 0:33:52 | 0:33:55 | |
That should be for the loser! | 0:33:55 | 0:33:57 | |
So number one then, here we go. | 0:33:57 | 0:33:59 | |
Is this cricket or that's just not cricket? A googly. | 0:33:59 | 0:34:02 | |
-Oh. You're just copying the boys now, aren't you? -No, I'm not! | 0:34:04 | 0:34:08 | |
-Everyone's heard of a googly. -What is it? -It's a search engine. | 0:34:08 | 0:34:12 | |
-It's testicles. -It's what you put in one of those, yes. | 0:34:13 | 0:34:16 | |
A googly is a type of spinner. | 0:34:16 | 0:34:18 | |
They bowl it and it goes googly. | 0:34:18 | 0:34:20 | |
It looks like a spinning one when in fact it's gone the other way. | 0:34:20 | 0:34:24 | |
-Very well, I think YOU know what you're talking about. -So do I! | 0:34:24 | 0:34:28 | |
What about this one then, the splitting of a bamboo? | 0:34:28 | 0:34:31 | |
That's a sexual position, isn't it? | 0:34:31 | 0:34:33 | |
I think it's in the karma sutra. | 0:34:33 | 0:34:36 | |
You're absolutely right, it's in the karma sutra when the man's on top | 0:34:36 | 0:34:40 | |
and the woman raises one leg up in the air | 0:34:40 | 0:34:44 | |
and rests it on his shoulder. | 0:34:44 | 0:34:45 | |
And it says here, "Option to swap legs throughout." | 0:34:45 | 0:34:49 | |
Well, you would, wouldn't you? | 0:34:51 | 0:34:52 | |
Why would you do that sort of thing with someone you like? | 0:34:52 | 0:34:56 | |
Don't go flinging limbs about. | 0:34:56 | 0:34:57 | |
You're going to hurt yourself or be embarrassed and afterwards say, "Why did you put my foot there?" | 0:34:57 | 0:35:03 | |
"Well, I read about it and it's called wheeling the grass hopper... | 0:35:03 | 0:35:06 | |
You strike me as quite an experimental person. | 0:35:06 | 0:35:09 | |
That's because of your age, isn't it? | 0:35:09 | 0:35:11 | |
-No. I've always been... -Do you have be careful of hips? | 0:35:11 | 0:35:14 | |
Yes. I was once having intercourse with my wife and my hip cracked very loudly | 0:35:14 | 0:35:17 | |
and she thought we had a burglar downstairs. | 0:35:17 | 0:35:20 | |
I then had the horrible moment where I thought, "Do I tell her it's not a burglar, it's my hips" | 0:35:20 | 0:35:26 | |
or do I say, "Maybe it's a burglar, let me finish and I'll have a look?" | 0:35:26 | 0:35:29 | |
-I opted for the truth. -A yarn over? | 0:35:31 | 0:35:34 | |
A yarn over? | 0:35:34 | 0:35:36 | |
Cricket or that's just not cricket? | 0:35:36 | 0:35:38 | |
-Not cricket. What do you think it is? -A yarn over? A crocheting term? | 0:35:38 | 0:35:42 | |
-Yes, it is! -Is it?! Whoa! | 0:35:42 | 0:35:44 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:35:44 | 0:35:46 | |
Trying to pretend I didn't know that. I love crocheting(!) | 0:35:46 | 0:35:50 | |
You go on knitting holidays! | 0:35:50 | 0:35:53 | |
A landing strip, cricket or not cricket? | 0:35:53 | 0:35:56 | |
What is it? | 0:35:56 | 0:35:57 | |
It's, er... | 0:35:59 | 0:36:00 | |
It's...a way you can wax your nunny. | 0:36:00 | 0:36:03 | |
That's true, actually. | 0:36:05 | 0:36:08 | |
-It's a waxing term. -Is it? | 0:36:08 | 0:36:10 | |
It's for a very thin strip. | 0:36:10 | 0:36:12 | |
-Steven even has won, obviously. -Yay! | 0:36:13 | 0:36:16 | |
And he'll take home my sticky wicket. | 0:36:16 | 0:36:18 | |
My crocheting knowledge came through! | 0:36:23 | 0:36:25 | |
I have had a wonderful time tonight. thank you to all my lovely guests, the sensational Steven Mangan, | 0:36:25 | 0:36:32 | |
-the scintillating Sarah Millican, the bloody marvellous Jonathan Ross... -Thank you. | 0:36:32 | 0:36:37 | |
..my band and the 99ers. | 0:36:37 | 0:36:39 | |
And of course, a huge thank you to you at home for watching. | 0:36:39 | 0:36:43 | |
To play us out tonight with her single, Sneaky Freak, it's the immensely talented Imelda May. | 0:36:43 | 0:36:48 | |
# I'm behind you | 0:37:00 | 0:37:04 | |
# I'm watching your back I'm going to find you | 0:37:04 | 0:37:05 | |
# Look in every crack I know your passwords | 0:37:05 | 0:37:07 | |
# I know you backwards I've cracked your codes | 0:37:07 | 0:37:10 | |
# I even search your clothes | 0:37:10 | 0:37:11 | |
# Cos I'm sneaky freak | 0:37:11 | 0:37:13 | |
# Yes, I'm sneaky freak | 0:37:13 | 0:37:16 | |
# Watch out cos I'm sneaky freak | 0:37:16 | 0:37:19 | |
# Oh, I'm a sneaky freak | 0:37:19 | 0:37:21 | |
# Cos I'm a creepy sneaky freak | 0:37:22 | 0:37:26 | |
# What you're up to? Cos I'm gonna find out his secrets | 0:37:28 | 0:37:32 | |
# Yeah, I know about it I picked your locks, yeah | 0:37:32 | 0:37:35 | |
# I stole your ID You'll never know it was me | 0:37:35 | 0:37:37 | |
# You'll never know it was me Cos I'm a sneaky freak | 0:37:37 | 0:37:40 | |
# Oh, I'm a sneaky freak | 0:37:40 | 0:37:44 | |
# Watch out cos I'm a sneaky freak | 0:37:44 | 0:37:46 | |
# Oh, I'm a sneaky freak | 0:37:46 | 0:37:49 | |
# Cos I'm a creepy sneaky freak | 0:37:50 | 0:37:54 | |
# Oh, you locked your door about quarter past four | 0:37:55 | 0:37:59 | |
# You're hiding something, I know | 0:37:59 | 0:38:02 | |
# You're holding your phone whenever you're at home | 0:38:02 | 0:38:05 | |
# You jump whenever it go-o-o-oes | 0:38:05 | 0:38:10 | |
# You got a feeling something's not right | 0:38:11 | 0:38:14 | |
# You should be keeping one eye open at night | 0:38:14 | 0:38:17 | |
# O'er your shoulder Was that something you saw? | 0:38:17 | 0:38:19 | |
# I'm getting bolder cos I'm above the law | 0:38:19 | 0:38:22 | |
#Cos I'm a sneaky freak | 0:38:22 | 0:38:24 | |
# Oh, I'm a sneaky freak | 0:38:24 | 0:38:27 | |
# Watch out, cos I'm a sneaky freak | 0:38:27 | 0:38:29 | |
# Oh, I'm a sneaky freak | 0:38:29 | 0:38:32 | |
# Cos I'm creepy sneaky freak | 0:38:33 | 0:38:37 | |
# Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! | 0:38:37 | 0:38:39 | |
# Oh-ho-ho | 0:38:45 | 0:38:47 | |
# You've got a feeling something's not right | 0:38:47 | 0:38:50 | |
# You should be keeping one eye open at night | 0:38:50 | 0:38:53 | |
# O'er your shoulder Was there something you saw? | 0:38:53 | 0:38:56 | |
# I'm getting bolder cos I'm above the law | 0:38:56 | 0:38:59 | |
# Cos I'm a sneaky freak | 0:38:59 | 0:39:00 | |
# Oh, I'm a sneaky freak | 0:39:00 | 0:39:03 | |
# Watch out, cos I'm a sneaky freak | 0:39:03 | 0:39:06 | |
# Oh, I'm a sneak freak | 0:39:06 | 0:39:10 | |
# Cos I'm a creepy sneaky freak | 0:39:10 | 0:39:13 | |
# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! | 0:39:13 | 0:39:15 | |
# I'm a sneaky freak | 0:39:15 | 0:39:17 | |
# Oh, yes, I'm a sneaky freak | 0:39:17 | 0:39:20 | |
# Yeah, yeah, I'm a sneaky freak | 0:39:20 | 0:39:23 | |
# Oh-oh, I'm a sneaky freak | 0:39:23 | 0:39:26 | |
# Yeah, cos I'm a creepy sneaky freak | 0:39:26 | 0:39:31 | |
# Yeah! | 0:39:31 | 0:39:32 | |
# I'm creepy | 0:39:32 | 0:39:34 | |
# Oh, yeah, I'm sneaky | 0:39:34 | 0:39:37 | |
# Ow! | 0:39:37 | 0:39:39 | |
# Freaky! # | 0:39:39 | 0:39:40 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:39:42 | 0:39:45 | |
E-mail [email protected] | 0:39:45 | 0:39:49 |