Matt, the Dog Sexy Beasts

-SUSAN CALMAN:

-In a world where attraction is mostly based on looks,

what would happen if you had to rely solely on your personality?

Well, thanks to some gloriously weird make up...

SHE LAUGHS: Oh, my God!

..we're going to find out!

SHE SCREAMS

Will true love blossom when what you see is definitely not what you get?

This is Sexy Beasts!

RIHANNA: # We found a love in a hopeless place! #

I'm very loyal. I'd be very loyal if I was to be in a relationship.

I'm a good boy like that. At least I think so.

HOWLING

Meet Matt, the mutt, he's an apprentice engineer from Lincoln.

Am I a player?

I want to say no, but apparently I am.

HOWLING

OK! Play on, player. Hit us with your best line.

"You've got something on your bum." "Really?"

-And I, say, "Yes. My eyes."

-SILENCE

That usually works quite well in town.

So I said, "Hit us with your BEST line!" Yeah? Best?

Prude, rude and dirty minded...

Is coming up next on BBC Three!

-..is definitely what I am.

-Oh!

THE FUTUREHEADS: # The hounds of love are calling... #

After Matt's three hours of make-up, his pedigree chum Dan...

is about to see him for the first time.

LAUGHTER Oh, boy, how are you doin'?

You look nice, mate!

I tell you, you look like... HE SPEAKS INAUDIBLY

Oh, I don't know which one of these two I like more!

What a lad!

He looks like a member of a boy band, so...his looks are very important.

If it weren't for his looks, I don't know where he'd be.

Battersea Dogs Home? And what are the chances

of Matt walking away with a new owner tonight?

If Matt's perfect ten is here today, um,

there's no doubt that she'll like him.

-Good boy.

-Yeah!

Well, that's our picker,

so who's going to try and give this dog a bone?

I get my hair done, like, the bonded extensions,

I get my lashes done, I've had my lips done. My nails.

I go on a sunbed about two, three times a week.

-Er... It's expensive.

-SHE LAUGHS

THE CHAINSMOKERS: # Let me take a selfie! #

This is Amber, a receptionist from Romford in Essex.

I'd like to see if I can actually be attracted to someone

looking like a monster, because I don't think I can.

Cos I just think it's all about looks.

Well, lizardy lady, I think that's a little superficial of you.

-What's superficial mean?

-Well, it's, um...

-Does that mean fake?

-Well, sort of...yes...

-That's artificial, isn't it?

-Never mind.

Let's see what her not at all excitable friend Bryony thinks

-of the monstrous make-over.

-GIGGLING

Oh! Ooh! HIGH-PITCHED: Ha!

HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER

Oh, my God, Amber!

-You look...

-Disgusting!

-Oh, my God! You look like the Hulk!

I don't think she's ever seen the Hulk.

Oh, my God, that... Oh, my God! LAUGHTER

Excellent. But what does the laughing lizard lady like in a lad?

I think, as long as they're funny, that'll... That's quite important.

But other than that, she mainly focuses on looks,

-so this should be interesting.

-Yeah.

Very interesting!

Let's meet the next lady pining for some puppy love.

RACHAEL: # Some day my prince will come... #

SCREAMING # Some day, I'll find my love... #

# She's been dreaming of a true love's kiss

-# And a prince... #

-This petrifying princess

is Rachael from County Durham.

And she's on the prowl for her Prince Charming.

# ..so happy! #

Yeah, I am looking for a Prince Charming, hopefully.

Or a superhero. That would do as well.

I don't want to shatter your dreams, Rachael,

but neither of those things exist.

If you can't have those, what's your third choice?

Yeah, I'd like to find an FBO. An FBO is a Facebook Official.

If it's not announced on Facebook, then it's not a proper relationship.

Really?! Is that the age we're living in? Fine!

Well, here's Rachel's Facebook Official friend Anna

to offer some support.

-LAUGHTER

-Oh...

-Oh, that's not...

-No, you're supposed to be nice!

How can you be nice about that?!

That bit's cool. Looks like a mini vagina.

They've just stuck a mini vagina on your face.

-It feels like one...

-Stop feeling my vagina!

-GIGGLING

-That's us, we're a couple now!

Time for a change of topic, I think! So why is Rachael currently single?

Rachael is single, in my opinion, um, because...she's mad.

SHE HARMONISES

Um, and because she does live in a princess bubble,

and thinks that she is from Wicked.

But that's not why I'm single!

I can't... Some people probably like Glinda?

Not real men would like Glinda from Wicked! Maybe gay dancers would.

-So, if you were a boy, you...

-That's a bit horrible!

-You're discriminating.

-How? That's true.

A sweeping generalisation there, but an accurate one.

Right, who's beastly girl number three?

I do rely on my looks quite a lot.

I can't leave the house without mascara on.

Um, I don't think I'm ugly, but I don't think I'm like really pretty.

MADONNA: # Beautiful Stranger! #

This is Kirsty from Manchester.

She works in finance and also is a ring girl at boxing matches.

BELL RINGS

So surely the guys are lining up to take her out?

Um, I do go on quite a few dates, I do meet a lot of lads,

but I don't really last longer than three months with them maybe.

Well, three months is a long time in the ring,

and what's the lady like behind the latex?

Er, personality wise, I think I'm a bit mad, er, crazy.

A bit weird at times. Um, I like to have fun.

Well, that's reassuring! Any special skills?

I do a Donald Duck impression.

-Do you want me to do it now?

-Yes, please.

LOUD QUACKING, SHE GIGGLES

And now the duck impression?

Er, potentially, I am... Hopefully, I will meet the man of my dreams.

We're hopeful as well. As is your good friend Niamh.

Oh, my God! LAUGHTER

Oh, my God!

Kirsty, it looks Halloween.

Eugh!

She's really bubbly.

She's nice, she's kind, so, um, and she's just...Kirsty.

LAUGHTER She's just herself.

Thank you, Niamh, for that illuminating description(!)

Today, Kirsty's not just being herself,

but a strange, blue, alien-type thing with a cobra's hood.

Will Matt be doing some snake charming tonight?

So, three hideous beauties

-and one unneutered canine.

-BARKING

The masks will only be removed when the dating is complete.

Relying on personality alone,

the three ladies have just ten minutes to impress Matt.

Which one of them will he choose to rub his belly?

Let the speed dates begin!

# We found a love in a hopeless place! #

MUSIC: "Signs" by Snoop Dogg (Ft. Justin Timberlake)

OK, Matt, SIT and stay! Good boy! There's a good boy, there's a, er...

Once he's met all three beasts,

Matt will send one of them off with a flea in their ear.

-Hiya.

-Hi.

Up first, it's space armadillo thingy Kirsty.

-So what do you do in your spare time?

-I work in finance.

-Right.

Um, and I also do ring girl in gym boxing matches and stuff.

-Boxing?

-Yeah. The ring cards and stuff.

-Oh, I see.

-Yeah.

-Oh, wow!

-They're usually rather nice.

-SHE LAUGHS

'They wear very little, don't they?'

And they're... they're usually pretty hot.

-Where are you from?

-Lincoln.

-Lincoln, where's that?

-Where is it?

-Yeah.

-Britain.

It went quite well. There was no awkward like pauses or anything.

Just run smoothly, yeah.

If there's one thing you don't want on a date with a dog,

it's awkward "paws' You're welcome!

-Would you rather swap hands for feet?

-Right.

Or arse for elbow?

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

-Um...hands for feet, definitely!

-Hands for feet.

-Yeah.

-It would be a bit weird to have...

-An arse on your elbow!

-Definitely.

-I've seen worse things on people's elbows.

-Like what?

-Like crap tattoos.

-Yeah.

-Have you got any yourself?

-Well, I was going to get one.

-Yeah?

I thought it would be a good idea, cos I was going to get

-"choking hazard" just there.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Em...

-'Um, at the moment, I do think I've done enough.'

Um, we seem to have a bit in common.

Yeah, I think she's nice. I like her.

Woof! Matt seems to have been charmed by the alien snake creature,

but will he love the lizard? Good luck, Amber!

LAUGHTER

-You actually look ridiculous!

-I

-look ridiculous?!

-Wow!

-Oh, my God!

-Are you well?

-I'm good. What's your name?

-Matt.

-Matt, I'm Amber.

-And your name is?

-Amber.

-Amber. Nice to meet you, Amber.

-I got you a little gift.

-Oh!

-But let me explain it first, cos you won't get it!

-Right, OK.

But, basically, I thought you might be a bit nervous...

-Yeah.

-Obviously.

-Yeah, yeah. A little bit, I might admit.

So I thought I'd get you some deodorant wipes.

-Oh, thanks very much! Brilliant!

-In case you sweat!

-I'm a bit of a chatterbox as well...

-Mm-hm?

-..so I thought I'd get you some earplugs.

-Nice!

-You're a chatterbox?

-Yeah, yeah! Um...

You actually look ridiculous!

-It looks good, though, doesn't it?

-It does look good, yeah.

-Brilliant.

-I'll give you a ten out of ten now.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-I-I...I'll give you a nine.

-OK.

-And I'll give you one later!

Why? Why? What do you mean one later?

-Do you...do you get it?

-What?

-It's gone down...

-I don't get it.

-..like a lead balloon. It don't matter.

-OK.

-One day, I may be able to tell you that joke.

-OK.

Yeah, he's got a lot of banter,

which I think's a very important, like, he kept making me laugh.

I don't really like Essex girls. Their accent.

-IMITATES ACCENT:

-Shut up! Oh, please no.

-Did you not get me a gift as well? I got you something.

-No.

-Why not?

-Maybe another day...

-Another time.

-I've got to give you one anyway.

-Still not getting that joke?

-No, I don't get it!

-I'm gutted.

-Oh, what, cos you said the nine out of ten thing?

-Yeah.

-Do you mean that, then?

-And I'll give you one later.

-But what one?

-What do you mean?

-What do you think?

-No-one else gets it!

-They do.

-They don't.

-They do.

-Oh, we do!

There's nine out of ten and I'll give you one later,

meaning one as in...

-sexy time.

-HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Oh, what, "one later" - is that what he means?

That's cheeky!

AWKWARD LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Steady on, chuckles, you've still got one lady to go.

Bring in Rach-HELL!

-Wow!

-Hiya. Are you all right?

-Very well, thank you. How are you?

-GIGGLES: Oh, you look really cute!

-Cute?

-Yeah. Hi, nice to meet you.

-You look, um...different.

-Ha-ha!

-Wow!

-Yeah, apparently, I'm the scary one.

-Yeah, reminds me of, um...

-You're fluffy. Can I feel your fur?

-You can feel...

-Aw!

-Yeah.

-That's really cute.

-Feel it a bit more if you want.

-Aw!

-I think the nose is brilliant.

-I think you look ace.

-I had a little laugh...

-Whereabouts are you from?

-I'm from Lincoln.

-Where's that?

-No-one knows where Lincoln is.

-No.

-Lincoln is brilliant.

I don't think Matt knows where Lincoln is.

The Geordie accent is like the Scottish accent.

Sometimes you don't know what they're saying.

-Especially on the phone.

-Oh, really?!

I think Matt and I should have a coffee and a chat sometime soon.

-What's that? Believe?

-Believe.

-It's like a necklace I constantly always wear.

-And what does it...?

-Obviously believe. Believe in what?

-It's the fairy tale stuff.

-Oh, so you're into Disney and...

-Yeah.

-..Tangled and...

-Yeah.

-And Frozen.

-Which one is your favourite?

-Have you seen Enchanted before?

-No.

-Have you never seen Enchanted?

-No.

Oh, my God!

Do you know when you have a hairdressing conversation?

It seemed a bit like that like. Oh, I'll ask...

"What do you think about the weather?" sort of thing.

Is a third nipple a hideous mutation or a fun accessory?

-Can you actually have a third nipple?

-Yeah. Many people have got them.

-Some people have got like four, I think.

-Wow.

I think, if you had four, you'd be a mutant, I reckon.

-Yeah.

-I don't think you'd be normal.

-Yeah.

I don't think it went that well, if I'm honest.

I hope that it has been enough, but, um, we never know really,

but it's just finger's crossed, cos I'd like to go on another date

with the lovely dog. SHE LAUGHS

Our female freaks have all flirted with Fido,

and he must now put one to sleep, dating wise.

Will he remove the right monster?

It's time to cull a creature.

-Hello again, ladies.

-ALL: Hi.

Has Matt managed to make a decision?

-I've made my decision.

-Oh, thank Dog! I mean God!

Well, which one of these mangled maidens

is about to be shown the trap door?

Will it be a first round KO for Kirsty?

Has Matt the dog had just about a-woof of Rachael?

Or will Amber never get that one later,

but instead get flushed away like a number two?

Who is going WALKIES?!

Kirsty, um, I think you're a lovely girl, I think you've got

-a really nice smile...

-Thank you.

-..quite cute, um...

-But I just think you maybe like to be a bit more chatty.

-OK, yeah.

-Amber...

-Yeah?

I think, er, there's some sort of chemistry there between us,

er, but...I'm not too keen on your accent.

-No offence.

-Are you actually being serious?

-Yeah. I'm afraid, yeah.

-All right, OK.

And, last but not least, Rachael.

Um, I think you're really sweet and a lovely girl, but I don't think

-there is as much of a connection as I'd have liked.

-Yeah.

And the beast I'm binning is...

MUSIC: Theme from "The Thing" by Ennio Morricone

-..Rachael.

-That's fine.

-I'm sorry.

-That's fine.

I can go back home and see my dog. THEY LAUGH

(My dog's cuter.)

LAUGHTER

I'm feeling all right. I can sort of see what he meant.

Like there was no connection at all, really.

I've made the wrong decision, I've made the wrong decision.

I've made the wrong decision.

She's actually really outgoing and really funny.

My biggest fear with Kirsty is,

how I might need to obviously take control of the whole date.

I'm praying to God that Rachael,

when I see her without her make-up on, is not fit.

HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Before Rachael returns to her make-believe world of princes

and Disney songs, let's see what the real Rachael looks like.

STEVIE WONDER: # I believe when I fall in love with you

-# It will be for ever... #

-Oh, hello!

Oh, Matt you've just cocked your leg on the rug of love. Bad boy!

Time for everyone to see for the first time what he's missed out on.

-Hi!

-Oh, my God!

-LAUGHTER

Very different, right?

-I hope it's different anyway.

-I thought you'd have brown hair.

It is sort of brown, like browny-blonde.

And your nose doesn't look like a snatch.

-OK.

-It looks a lot better!

-Thank you.

Well, what girl doesn't like being told

her nose doesn't match her unmentionables?

So does Matt still think he made a mistake?

Does he like Rachael after all?

-I don't fancy her.

-MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

-OK.

-At all.

-Moving on.

Matt seems content with his decision,

but now it's time to take Amber and Kirsty on their second dates.

After those, he'll have to pick one of them to be his sexy beast.

To the dates we go! And Amber the Lizard Lady is first.

# We found love in a hopeless place! #

It's date o'clock in the afternoon and Matt has brought

cold-blooded lizard Amber to the muddy old countryside.

-I'm going to have to pick you up, aren't I?

-Oh, I guess you are.

SHE LAUGHS

MUSIC: "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston

Proof here that "The Doggy Guard" would have been a better film.

Right, enough of this chivalry. What's he actually here for?

A romantic game of fetch? Chasing birds? Or is Amber going

to lovingly pick up a great steaming pile of Matt's...?

-HORN TOOTS

-Oh, good! Some 4x4 off-road driving.

HE LAUGHS

And instructor Chris is delighted to be supervising.

-What are you laughing at?!

-SHE LAUGHS

Hi, guys!

That's amazing!

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, bless him!

Why DO they do that?!

-Up first, it's Amber.

-Gently ease up off the brake.

She's got to manoeuvre the car

around a course of terrifically tricky terrain.

MUSIC: "Rock The Boat" by Hues Corporation

-# Rock the boat

-Don't tip the boat over!

-# Rock the boat

-Don't rock the boat, baby... #

SHE GIGGLES # Rock the bo-o-oat! #

-Be careful.

-I AM being careful.

-The right corner just ahead.

-Yeah, I can see that.

Have you got your glasses?

They're like a married couple already!

I can just picture their green, furry children now. Ha-ha!

It's Matt's turn to confront the countryside.

Let's do this!

THE HOOSIERS: # It's gonna be a bumpy ride... #

If we can just stop round here...

-and we'll go dogging...

-SHE LAUGHS

..which would be quite ironic, cos I look like a dog.

Wow, thanks for explaining that, Matt(!)

Does Amber really need help with every joke?

That's an innuendo.

-What's an in unen...inuend...?

-What's an innuendo?

-Yeah.

-So if I said, "Oh, that's massive!"

-Yeah?

-Say, "Oh, that puddle's massive!"

-Yeah.

-Well, no, if I said, "That's massive!"

-Yeah?

Er...it's gone wrong.

The innuendo, ladies and gentlemen.

First part of the date over

and Amber seems to have Matt under control.

Fetch!

If you want to know where that stick landed,

it was just outside a coffee shop for the after off-road drinks.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Hi, mate! ..Ah!

Will the fun times continue?

-I hate tea and I hate coffee.

-Good luck, Matt!

Don't you think that these look like a bit...?

He's done it! He's found Amber's level. Cake tits!

A proud moment for mankind and one to be etched on our minds for ever!

-Can I be really forward?

-Go on.

-Uh-oh!

-This is big time.

-OK.

-Are you ready?

-Not really.

I've always wondered what it'd be like to, like, kiss in, in this.

-You are... No, you're not going to kiss me!

-Why not?!

-Because you look really ugly.

-You've probably kissed worse!

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, my God. I don't know...

Eugh!

It's not... Don't worry, it's not going to kill you.

No, go on, I'll do it. Quick!

BILLY OCEAN: # Suddenly... #

Huh?! Here we go! The first ever Sexy Beasts kiss!

I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so excited!

See? See, I told you! You can't because of the nose!

-My nose is too fat...

-You're like all hair.

Oh, I think we might have bigged that up a bit too much.

-How was it for you?

-It was lovely.

-Was it?

-SHE LAUGHS:

-Yeah!

-Was it?

-No!

A strange end to a strange date, but Matt has one more lady to see!

Will Kirsty manage to win over the cocky spaniel?

MUSIC: Theme from "The Magnificent Seven" by Elmer Bernstein

This is the Wild Wild West, in Glasgow.

And here at the Grand Ole Opry, a line dancing class

is being gate-crashed by a space adder and a dog.

It's Kirsty's last chance to win Matt over

and get the conversation rolling.

Five, six, seven. Right heel, left heel.

Heel, heel, toe, toe, grapevine to the right,

quarter turn, hitch, back two, three, step, step, heel.

-I've got it!

-I'm cocking this up.

-I've got it... I had it!

-No, no, no, no.

-KIRSTY LAUGHS

Well, Matt appears to have four left feet.

-Have you ever done anything like this before?

-Er, yeah.

-Have you?

-I did it in school.

-You did it before?

-Yeah, I've done ballroom as well.

Yeah, she's obviously a bit more, you know, having a laugh.

Yeah, I think it's, er, I think it's pretty good.

He seems like a gentleman. He seems really nice.

-They're out of time, it's not us.

-KIRSTY LAUGHS

It's definitely them.

-We're definitely doing it right.

-Yeah, she got it wrong.

They seem to be having fun,

despite it being tricky to dance and chat at the same time.

But fear not, there's a table reserved

just at the side for a post-dance natter.

WILLIE NELSON: # I've been so blue and lonely... #

-How much is your gym membership a month?

-£50 for three months.

Oh, blimey! Come on, you two! What about the ring girling?

-That must be ace.

-Yeah.

Are you in...? What are you wearing?

Little tiny knickers to wear. BOXING BELL RINGS

-Really?!

-Down, boy!

-Can I be invited to like a...?

-SHE LAUGHS

-I'll go like this.

-We'll have to see.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

It's all going swimmingly.

Maybe that's because we haven't heard a joke from Matt in a while.

What sort of cheese do you use to get a bear down from a tree?

-I don't know...

-Cam-on-bear - Camembert.

-Do you like cheese?

-No, I've just got a load of cheese jokes.

-OK!

Give us a shout when you tell one of them, eh? How do they think it went?

Um, out of ten, I'd give the day probably a ten.

Wow, that's impressive. How come?

-Um, we have quite a lot in common.

-Like?

-Um, we both drive.

-Of course!

So after all the fun they've had,

has Kirsty managed to change Matt's opinion of her?

In a word, no.

Good!

So then, it's decision time for Matt.

Who is going to be his Sexy Beast?

Will it be Amber, despite her Essex drawl

and the fact she didn't know what an innuendo was?

There was that stolen kiss!

Or will he choose Kirsty?

She appeared to have a much better time than Matt.

But he does like the idea of her ring girl costume.

Time to find out whose leg he wants to wrap himself around.

And then it's de-masking time for everyone.

-Hello again, ladies.

-Hi.

-Hello.

It's been an enjoyable experience, er, going out with you all.

Kirsty, I'd like to start with you.

Um, I don't think line dancing's my thing.

-I'm not sure if you noticed.

-No, definitely not.

-Um, I think we chatted a bit more, which was good.

-Yeah.

-Um...

-And we had a bit of a giggle.

-Yeah.

-But...I don't think...

there was much of a connection between us.

Amber...I've actually come round to your accent...

-SHE LAUGHS

-..and found it quite funny.

-Some of the things you say are quite funny.

-Oh, good.

-Um...

-The date we had was a good laugh and we had fun.

-It was really fun, yeah.

Um...but I have come to a decision, after much thought.

And my Sexy Beast is...

(Amber or Kirsty? Kirsty or Amber?)

Did me whispering it and reversing it

make the slightest bit of difference?

Absolutely not. Decision time, Matt!

Who do you want to win...a lot?

MUSIC: Theme from "The Thing" by Ennio Morricone

..Amber.

LAUGHTER Oh, well done.

-Sorry, Kirsty.

-No, that's fine.

Anyone else think it, er, probably isn't fine?

I was relieved that I was chosen as his Sexy Beast,

cos obviously no-one wants to be second best.

Um, I'm a little bit disappointed, cos obviously everyone likes to win.

But still, we've all learned the meaning of love.

If he takes his mask off and he's a monster, then I will not be happy.

Exactly!

We'll see if Matt really is a dog in a few minutes.

For now, we get to meet the real Kirsty.

She's shed her extra-terrestrial sneaky skin

to reveal the lovely lady hiding underneath.

ROXETTE: # It must have been love

# But it's over now

# It must have been good... #

Ding, ding and ding, dong.

The prosthetics have been peeled away and, at last,

we get to see the perennially pretty Kirsty that was hiding beneath.

Will Matt feel a "heavyweight" on his conscience once he's seen her?

Let's find out, shall we?

And although Kirsty will get to see him too,

you must wait a little longer.

HE LAUGHS Oh, my God!

-Wow!

-Definitely not what I thought.

-You're good looking.

-Thank you.

-Yeah.

-So are you.

-Thank you.

-You're a bit like Harry Styles.

SHE LAUGHS: Oh, my gosh.

Looks-wise, I did fancy him, yeah. Um, yeah.

I thought you'd have short hair.

-Is it good?

-It's a good thing, yeah.

-Yeah? Thank you very much.

From the experience, I've learnt that looks aren't everything.

It does come down to personality a lot, definitely, yeah.

Several hours of piling on the prosthetics transformed Amber

into a lizard that can drive a 4x4. Welcome to the 21st century.

The question is what's the lady like when she's been descaled?

BERLIN: # Take my breath away... #

And she is indeed a Sexy Beast!

# Take my breath away... #

Matt will surely be on heat when he sees the real Amber.

And talking of Matt, he's about to have a severe grooming.

It's farewell to the fur

and hello to the tip-top lad that lies beneath.

ONE DIRECTION: # That's what makes you beautiful! #

Ooh, he does as well! And have we left some of the wig on?

Amber will surely be over the moon once the hallowed curtain drops.

# You don't know you're beautiful! Light up my world... #

Oh, my God!

-Wow! Holy moly!

-That is now what I...

Nice work! Great choice.

Oh, my God!

-You look good.

-You look like Frankie Cocozza.

-MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

-Frankie Cocozza!

Amber's gone in the "Wrong Direction"!

-Good decision.

-SHE LAUGHS

She was fit, to be fair, um, and I'd probably climb her like a tree.

Oh, what a charmer!

You're not what I was thinking, like what I was expecting, though.

SHE LAUGHS

I actually found him really funny.

I couldn't stop laughing when I was with him.

But I was expecting tanned, like chiselled face,

a bit of stubble, good hair.

Just...

It's definitely opened my eyes to...to...

you can be the hottest girl in the world,

it doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to get on.

Matt seems happy with his decision.

And as for Amber? Well, she was almost rendered speechless.

But now the faces have returned to their normal forms,

is the sweet whiff of love in the air?

To find out, we've laid on some free champagne in a bar.

If Amber and Matt want to see each other again, they'll turn up.

And it'll probably almost certainly mean marriage, children

and eventually a double coffin.

So here we go - is there a future for Matt and Amber slash Mamber?

WHITESNAKE: # Is this love...? #

Hello, Matt! Take a seat!

He's clearly smitten, but what about Amber?

Are we about to see her reunited

with her favourite member of One Dalmatian?

# ..or am I dreaming? Is this the love... #

-MUSIC SLOWS THEN STOPS

-No.

Sorry, Matt. There he goes leaving with his tail between his legs,

but at least he gets to keep the booze.

Dating time's over for our Sexy Beasts.

Matt met some freaks from the North and North East.

But his beau was from Essex. His true love he'd found.

Though Amber frustrated this love-seeking hound.

Matt thought they'd be one. Maybe one day get hitched.

But she stood him up, what an absolute...lizard.

It's the 21st century. Make your own decisions, love, well done.

THE OSMONDS: # And they called it puppy love!

# Oh, I guess they'll never know

# How a young heart really feels

# And why I love her so. #