Bridget, the Tree Sexy Beasts

This programme contains some strong language

In a world where attraction's based on looks, what'd happen

if you relied on your personality? Thanks to some prosthetics...

Oh, my God!

..we're going to find out.

SHE SCREAMS

Will true love blossom when what you see is definitely not what you get?

This is...

I'm here today to obviously meet the man of my dreams.

Over the last couple of years, it's been pretty quiet.

A bit like a desert.

# I'm going to take this night And make it evergreen. #

This tree is Bridget Jones - yes, Bridget Jones!

Just like the one with the diary.

# All by myself... #

So is Bridget Jones anything like Bridget Jones?

I guess I'm getting a bit older and still single.

I guess I'm a little bit ditsy. I'm not blonde, and I don't smoke.

I drink too much, though.

So what's our tree's tipple of choice? A Pine-ot Grigio?

Vodka and Diet Oak? Ha! I'll stop now. Oh, Woody Mary!

No. So what sort of guy does Bridget normally go for?

Open-minded.

Also nice, not too nice.

You can't have someone TOO nice.

Well, if you're lucky we might be able to find a bit of a tool

for you today.

Three hours in make-up turned Bridget

into the cabbage-skinned, tree woman before us.

But what will friend Carolina think

when she sees her for the first time?

Oh, my God! Oh, my gosh, you look so different, man!

Bridget definitely is out to find love

and maybe she will find the one here.

Maybe. It's been a long road.

Well, this road to romance has come to a crossroads.

Let's turn left and meet potential tool number one.

I'm a nice guy, but then I'm a bit of an animal.

It's quite hard to tame me.

I'm a demon, there's nothing you can do about it, really, is there?

I do demon-like things.

# Like a bat out of hell

# I'll be gone when the morning comes. #

Meet Matty, a demonic football coach.

Do you know? If only there was some way of finding out where he's from.

Now that is both classy and informative.

So what demon-like things does this demon do?

I was at me friend's, there was a spider on the floor,

and he went, "Eat it."

So I just thought, you know, "Bear Grylls does it."

Wallop, straight in the mouth, couple of chews, it was down.

What?! You ate a spider?

I feel quite sly now, to be honest with you, that I ate it.

But, you know, it's, erm, it's up there now.

A moment's silence, please, for the spider.

That'll do.

Right, let's see what Matty's friend Jack's got to say.

HE LAUGHS

The type of girl that Matty goes for is...

anything with a pulse.

Anything that will say, "Yeah." He's been with worse than that.

But I always seem to get freaks.

Well, things are unlikely to change today.

HE GROWLS

HE COUGHS

Matty's going to do pretty well,

because he's got one of them personalities

that just shine through. He can make anyone laugh.

-That was beautiful, that.

-It was, wasn't it?

-Beautiful.

Thanks, mate.

We'll leave these two lovebirds alone, shall we?

And meet beast number two.

I seem to have weirdly great success with...with women.

I'm not sure why, maybe it is the personality,

maybe it's the looks.

# Top o' the mornin' to ya

# Top o' the mornin' to ya. #

Meet entrepreneur Chris.

A six foot two inch tall leprechaun from Essex,

who has looks, personality and charm, apparently.

I think I'm charming in a kind of Hugh Grant kind of way.

'I think I might look a bit like Hugh Grant.'

Hugh Grant? And he's about to go on a date with Bridget Jones!

It's almost like somebody's planned this.

But there is one horrifying presence

that gives our gingery maybe-Hugh Grant the willies.

Yeah, I have a kind of slight phobia of crisps.

Yes, he said "crisps".

When it comes to Monster Munch and Quavers, Wotsits...

And most terrifyingly of all...

..Skips.

SCREAMING

I'm not keen on being around them.

For God's sake, no-one mention Nice 'N' Spicy Nik Naks!

Anyway, how does Chris' friend Abbie rate his chances?

Oh, my God!

You're ginger.

Chris'll do really well, I think so, yeah.

He's got some, erm, tricks up his sleeve.

SHE CHUCKLES

Yes, fans of leprechaun magic are in for a real treat later in the show.

But right now here's one for the north-eastern fish enthusiast.

I think I'm quite a nice lad, once you get to know us.

I'm quite a relationship-type lad,

so I'm a little softie, when it comes down to it.

# Too many fish in the sea

# Too many fish in the sea. #

This is Jake, a doorman from County Durham a la mer.

But he's not just any fish, he's a body-building fish.

I'm a body builder, and I'm currently champion of the whole

of the north-east of Britain...

Wow!

..for under-21s.

Meh.

I find girls just want us for me body and that annoys us.

I'd rather that they came and spoke to us first,

and, erm, just seeing what I was all about, really.

Well said, Jake, you're not just a piece of meat,

you're a piece of low-fat, omega-3-rich meat.

So what does our sensitive sea bass look for in a lady?

Me ideal girl would be bonny looking

and she'd have big boobs.

Oh, hang on, I thought you said...

I don't judge girls by having no boobs,

but I tend to find I go for ones with big boobs.

Ah, that's OK, then.

I am a boob man.

Yeah, we gathered that, thanks.

So what does Jake's friend, Daniel, think of his new look?

No way, how are you?

How you goin'? You all right?

Do I look like a sexy squid?

If anyone out there knows what Jake and Daniel are saying,

please do get in touch.

Shall we start again?

Girls usually go for Jake's body.

He's shows it off all the time.

He's always tensing in the mirrors, posing.

You're full of shite!

He knows how to talk to a lady and he's confident.

Like, so I don't think there'll be any, like, awkward silence.

OK...

# It's raining men... #

It's raining men. Well, more of a weird drizzle, really.

But, still, we have three freaks after our beautiful bush.

Each beast gets a ten-minute speed date with Bridget,

before she brutally dumps one of them,

much like the leaves she sheds every autumn.

The make-up stays on until the dates are done,

so personalities ready, boys, go romance that tree!

# We found love in a hopeless place. #

First to try and enter the forest is Matty.

So...so what is it you are, anyway? You look a bit like a tree.

-Yeah, exactly.

-Is that what you are? Yeah.

-You look a bit rough.

-I have no idea what you are.

Feel like a dildo, look a condom. I think it's a bit of both.

'I went straight in with the dildo shout,'

I don't think she knew how to respond to it.

It put me off because it was just a bit crass for me.

Not a good start for the demonic dildo.

What's your favourite film?

Horror films. Now, I think the last one I watched

was, like, say, Paranormal Activity.

But I've got to be with someone else to watch it.

Yes, a demon who is terrified of Paranormal Activity(!)

Sexy Beasts, dispelling stereotypes right here on the BBC.

If you had to choose between a woman's body and a fish's head

or a woman's head and a fish's body,

which would you want to go on a date with?

-What type of fish?

-A trout.

A trout? Lovely choice.

Think hard, Matty, get this wrong and she could LEAVE!

I'd probably say a fish's body and a woman's head.

Just simply because you can see who you're talking to then.

But she wouldn't be able to walk.

She wouldn't be, no, but I'd just leave her in a little jar,

cos I don't think a fish would be able to speak to me, so...

I can't speak fish.

Yeah, he was very easy to talk to,

and he seems like a really fun person.

So, yeah, overall, it was a very good date.

I think we did have a little...a little bit of a laugh, and as long

as one of the other guys is like a wet lettuce, then I'll be all right.

So an impressive dating recovery from the dildo-obsessed demon.

Time to find out what tricks Chris has up his leprechaun sleeve.

-I'm Chris, nice to meet you.

-It's nice to meet you.

-Yeah, I got you a present.

-Oh, thank you.

-I kind of drew what I'd expected you to look like.

-That's amazing.

It's not too far off, actually.

Yeah, I think you've done really well.

He did like a cool picture on it, which was very, very interesting,

very detailed, very nice.

Very shit.

I want to just do a little test to see if we're a good match.

-I've got a pack of cards.

-Oh, yeah?

This is it, the leprechaun's about to conjure actual, real magic.

Can we have a change of music to set the tone, please?

Thank you.

-I've got a card turned upside down in there.

-OK.

-I want to see if we're on the same wavelength.

-Right.

So do you want to name a card?

I'm going to go for the two of hearts.

Two of hearts.

Oh, the two of hearts! THE most romantic card!

52 cards in the pack, one card turned upside down.

Traditionally, leprechauns have the power to grant wishes.

Personally, I wish he would just hurry up!

Is it?

Now that's romagic!

I don't know how you did that.

I mean, we have to go on a second date now, don't we?

-We're obviously... It's meant to be.

-How did you do that?

Eat your two of hearts out, Dynamo!

For a speed date, that is one of the best things to do, for sure.

It was really good.

I'm a bit of a film geek.

Do you have a favourite film?

Ooh, Citizen Kane? Vertigo? 2001: A Space Odyssey?

The Waterboy.

The Waterboy?! An Adam Sandler movie?!

-Die Hard. Never watched that, either.

-Have you not?

-No.

Romcom kind of person?

My name is actually Bridget Jones.

-No way, that is...

-Yeah

-..amazing.

-Come on, Mr Darcy.

-Yeah.

I could change my name by deed poll, it's fine.

That would work for me. If you do that then,

for sure, a second date is definitely going to happen.

I might have come on a bit strong saying that

I'm going to change my name for her.

So the alleged Hugh Grant lookalike is going to change his name to

Mr Darcy to impress Bridget Jones.

Look, it's quite confusing, but I think it's gone well.

Bridget?

He is very easy to talk to. Yeah, a nice person.

It did go well! I was right.

But can Jake the hake do any better?

-Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

I made this for you. Wrote it last night.

-What is it?

-It's a poem.

-Oh, wow.

A poem! Oh, you are witnessing top-end romancing skills.

Prepare to swoon.

To My Sexy Beast Call me Jacob cos I'm a cracker

If you need a lift any time I'll give you a backer

So fancy going for some food Let us feast

Cos after all I'm a Sexy Beast.

-That is amazing.

-There you go.

-Thank you very much for that.

-No problem.

I have no words...apart from,

what the hell was that?!

The poem wasn't quite, you know, a Shakespeare piece.

But I think it would've been weird

if he gave me something very lovey-dovey.

Very good. What was your name again?

-Jake.

-Jake. My name's actually Bridget Jones.

-Is it?

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

-Is that a joke, like, is it?

-No, it's not.

-What? Your name is actually Bridget Jones?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

-Right.

I still don't believe her now

that she's called Bridget Jones, cos of obviously the film.

Obviously. Moving on...

So another question...

Probe his poetic, sensitive soul, Bridget.

..if you could be any kind of cheese, what cheese would you be?

Plain old, good old, Cheddar, cos everyone loves it.

-Yeah.

-Good, sturdy, old cheese, that's what I am.

I think maybe I'd be like a Wensleydale,

-even though I'm not from...

-Would you?

-Yeah. Just because...

-Why? Do you crumble easy...under pressure?

Yeah, I completely crumble under pressure.

I love cheese jokes, me, like.

Oh, brilliant, I love a cheese joke, me!

-Do you do a lot of cheese jokes?

-No.

-No?

I don't actually... I don't really know...

I just like talking about cheese.

Well, that's disappointing.

It went well. She seems like a very nice girl.

'I might have done enough.

'Hopefully, I came across as a nice person.

'There is a lot of things that I like about Cheddar cheese,

'don't get me wrong.'

But I think, for the moment, I'm not really looking for Cheddar cheese.

Oh, somehow Jake's poetry and cheese combo has failed to impress.

But has the fish done enough to prove that he's a catch?

We're about to find out.

It's time for one beasty boy to make like a tree and...

get binned by Bridget Jones.

Our lady garden has dated a leprechaun magician,

a giant, Scouse dildo,

and the greatest fish poet since Rudyard Kipper-ling.

Hello, boys.

Morning.

But who will be felled by the tree?

Will Chris be swapping his crock of gold for a crock of shit?

Will Matt Demon be ordering spider en croute for one?

Or is dating laureate Jake going to have to think of a word

that rhymes with "dumped"?

This is Bridget Jones' quandary.

Chris, I had a lovely time on our date.

Maybe you're a little shy, a little reserved.

But you had an amazing magic trick. I was very impressed.

Hopefully, if you pick me,

I can kind of come out my shell a bit more.

Matty, maybe a little too much, maybe a little crude.

But, as we got talking, you were so funny,

and you just made me laugh, and it was really easy conversation.

That's the way I am basically, yeah.

You can tell you're a people person.

Yeah, definitely, like, definitely.

Jake, the conversation didn't flow quite as easily as it could.

But I really liked your poem, you know, something straight from you.

Cheers, much appreciated.

I now have to make my choice.

So the beast that I am binning is...

..Jake.

And it's fair thee well, Jakespeare. I'll miss his poems.

That's totally fine.

I think we knew that we were sort of on different wavelengths,

-as well, so I appreciate that.

-It was really nice to meet you.

Yeah, it was nice to meet you, too.

Jake, please use your talent with words to describe

what's going through your head right now.

I'd say out of the two guys left,

probably it's the one with the ginger hair

looks a bit more nerdy and probably will suit her,

cos I think that's them type of thing.

I think the other lad's common as muck like me, a Scouser.

Beautiful sentiments. Keep your wobbly chin up,

there are plenty more fish in the sea.

Time now to reveal the man behind the mullet.

# Don't push too far your dreams are china in your hand. #

This fish is a dish!

He looks much better without his tentacles flapping about.

Oh, hello, look at you, Mr Body-building Champion

Of The Northeast...under-21s.

Now for everyone else to see what Bridget has missed out on.

Er...

-You all right?

-All right.

You don't look how I expected you to look.

I would hope not, like.

I think you do look a little bit like the sixth member of a boy band.

-Do I?

-Yeah.

'Yeah, he's...he's attractive,'

but ultimately I've made the right decision,

and I'm definitely looking forward to my other dates.

Yes, indeed. Bridget will date the leprechaun and the demon once more

before choosing her sexy beast.

It is all to play for.

It is all to play for.

I just said that, didn't I?

So where does a piece of frisky foliage take a mythical being

on a date?

To the romantic idyll of a 1970s shopping precinct of course.

THEY LAUGH

What are they doing?

I'm glad you asked.

Bridget Jones and the leprechaun who might look a bit like Hugh Grant

are about to make love, and by love I mean pizza.

He's got a massive, bulbous nose, hasn't he, as well?

It's only their second date so why are they wearing protection?

Where's she going with that? Watch yourself, Chris, watch it!

Stretch out that base, try not to rip it.

After a detailed masterclass,

the beasts are ready for some hardcore pizza-making action.

-Right.

-Where do we start? OK.

-I think...

I've completely forgot everything.

No, I don't think we... Are we supposed to roll first?

Oh, never mind, Chris, just take your aggression out on the dough!

You stole my lucky charms!

Brace yourself, viewers, you know what's coming next,

we've all seen Saturday Kitchen.

It's time for the chucking the dough in the air to jaunty music bit.

JAUNTY MUSIC

-Oh, nice, yeah.

-Oh, yes!

-That's better than me.

I think we can all agree that was very enjoyable.

I think she's great. I think Bridget's great.

She's a lot to easier to get on with than I originally thought.

What would you name your pizza?

Erm...flavour mountain, cos it looks like a mountain.

Yeah, nice.

No, it doesn't.

I was going to call mine by an actual name,

like Michael The Mozzarella...

Mess? So, Bridget... Oh, that's, that's right, love,

you have a drink.

What's the best thing about this date?

It's quite nice wine, actually.

OK. Ha... Anyone for pizza?

-Oh, my God.

-And your pizzas for you.

-Oh, thank you.

-You're very welcome.

BOTH: Wow.

-Mine is like a giant like...

-Quiche?

Well, yeah! Oh, my God, it does look like a giant quiche.

So how does one make a traditional Irish lepre-quiche?

-SULTRY VOICE:

-Tantalising tomato sauce, splodged.

Cheese, grated by a grater.

A ridiculous botched attempt to make a stuffed crust.

Sensual sweetcorn, perky pepperoni, and a mushroom.

This isn't any pizza quiche,

this is an impenetrable pizza quiche.

It's not cutting!

Mine even cuts itself.

Oh, my God!

Oh and he's in!

It's going to... Cheese is going to get stuck in my beard.

Niche food-porn lovers of world, enjoy.

I think you might have gone with too much cheese.

-Do you know this is, actually, apparently, human hair?

-Really?

Like, real human hair. How creepy is that?

Some poor ginger kid is like walking around bald now...

-Oh, gosh.

-..just so I can wear this.

Sexy Beasts would like to thank Ed Sheeran's genitals

for their generous donation.

Yeah, I mentioned that I had human hair in my beard.

I wouldn't say it was a chat-up line I'd usually use.

I think that might have been a bit creepy.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

-What is "cheers" in Essex?

-Cheers, I think.

Well, in my expert opinion, this has been a grade-A date, am I right?

Yeah, the date went pretty well.

It was far less awkward than the first date.

I preferred the speed date with Chris, yeah.

-Oh...

-I've got things to think about, definitely.

And another date to go on!

So Bridget's already looking ahead to date number two.

Hard luck, Chris.

Now, show us what you've got Matt Demon.

# Under the sea Under the sea

# Darling it's better Down where it's wetter

# Take it from me. #

On her second date, Bridget Jones is quite literally caught

between the devil and the deep, blue sea.

But in a romantic way.

Oh, look, it's Jake!

At least I can say I've been on a date with Bridget Jones, anyway,

that's...that's something to tell the kids.

I haven't got kids, like, but you know what I mean.

Ah, the sound of a floundering Scouser and the smell of fish.

What a perfect place to fall in love. And what's this?

Ooh, Matty and Bridget have found a private space

to feed the turtle together.

No, that isn't a trendy new euphemism.

So, have you ever fed a turtle before?

I can't say that I have.

I like turtles, I like the way they're just chilled out.

-Riding the waves.

-They just get on with everything, don't they?

-Yeah.

-You never see a turtle causing any beef in the ocean, do you?

That's it.

I think my chances are pretty, pretty good,

and I think, you know, I've adapted to the date

and I've kept the crude jokes, I'd say, to me...to meself today.

I'm enjoying it, definitely.

Yeah, I'd say he's been more of a gentleman today, for sure.

Ooh, so biting his forked tongue is paying off for Matty.

Will coffee and cake prove to be the food, and hot beverage, of love?

See, I'm not sure about coffee. Like, I like lattes,

but when you get, like, the milk bit is quite...

-You've got it on your nose.

-Have I? Yeah? I can't feel it.

-Can't you really?

-Oh, no.

But with the milk it's quite like not hot so you...

you trust yourself and then, bang, scalded tongue. Ruins your day.

-Yeah.

-Did you enjoy that before anyway with the fish and that?

Yeah, I really liked it.

-Ever been stung by a jellyfish before? Anything like that?

-No, no.

-Have you?

-Yeah, funnily enough, I was with me mate and we'd both

jumped in and he's come up and he's said, "I've been...I've been stung".

And, obviously, I know that you've got to wee on...

And he was like, "Well, I don't need a wee."

So I went, "I'll be the friend I am..."

-Pissed all over him, basically, yeah.

-Wow. Nice.

I was thinking whether to say "urinate" or anything like that.

You know, "I urined on someone".

But, you know, I went for the "piss", and she took it well.

God bless her.

-I think you're a true friend.

-I think, yeah, that takes a lot, that.

-I would do it for my friend.

-Would you?

-Well, yeah.

-That's very noble of you.

-Yeah.

Bit of science for you, urine has no effect on jellyfish stings.

Ha! Imagine being wee'd on by Matty for no good reason.

Actually, don't.

I honestly, like, probably one of the best dates I've been on, yeah.

I'd say, a solid ten because I just enjoyed everything about it, really.

It's been a good laugh.

So when I see him without the mask,

I think I'll probably feel the same as I do now.

Oh, which is?

I'm not too sure.

Oh.

In every Bridget Jones film, there's a bit where

she has to choose between two hunks.

We're now at that exact bit.

Except for Bridget is a tree, and the two hunks are hideous.

Will it be Chris?

His magic hands left Bridget gushing,

but despite his 12-inch meat feast, Chris's second date didn't impress.

Or will it be Matty?

Together, they fed the turtle and enjoyed a romantic chat

about weeing on your friends.

But is this demon just too crass for our leafy lass?

Once we have a winner, the masks are coming off.

Bridget Jones, the hedge of reason, it's over to you.

Hello again, boys.

-Hi.

-Bonjour.

-Nice to see you.

So, first, I'm going to start with Chris.

Thanks very much for the pizza or should we say the "quiche"?

I did however feel like there was maybe less of a spark

than the speed date.

I...I wouldn't say there wasn't a spark. But I...

I enjoyed it.

Thank you.

And, Matty, I really loved the fact that you are so funny

and you've got a lot of stories to tell -

really quite enjoyed the one about the jellyfish, that was really nice.

It was a good date. I enjoyed everything about it.

Thanks.

So, I have made my choice.

My sexy beast is...

Chris or Matty?

The red head or the...redhead?

Which one of them will be getting wood tonight?

..Chris.

And Irish eyes are smiling and the demon's eyes are blazing with rage.

Good one, mate.

Oh, that's good to see.

Runner-up, that's better than coming last.

Feeling pretty happy, yeah. Surprised to say the least.

We'll see what our happy couple really look like shortly.

But, first, a bucket-load of red paint transformed

Matty into a sunburnt novelty condom.

But this is what he looks like underneath.

# If I could turn back time

# If I could find a way. #

He looks nothing like a dildo,

and his real ears are in the correct place -

altogether much less evil.

Will Bridget regret her decision? She's about to find out.

And although Matty will see the real Bridget,

we will have to wait a little longer.

-All right, squire. It's a bit weird without the mask, isn't it?

-Yeah.

It's all too real.

You've got time to do your hair, as well, that's a plus.

-And you've done yours.

-I have,

-it took me a while.

-You've grown it.

-It took me all night.

She was a stunner, she was a solid nine.

I'd give her the full MOT, not a problem at all.

How lovely(!)

So litres of latex and charming ginger pubes transformed

Chris into a magical leprechaun.

But is Hugh Grant really lurking beneath that bulbous nose?

# I feel it in my fingers

# I feel it in my toes. #

He's the spitting image of Hugh Grant...

..if you squint or close your eyes...

and...and think of Hugh Grant.

But he's still a very handsome chap.

This is the Bridget Jones we know and love.

An elegant, mossy, bearded, green, gnarly, old, tree.

But THIS is what's beneath the bark.

# I'll take you just the way you are. #

Wowza! Miss Jones, she's a beauty.

We like you just as you are. But will Chris?

What will they think when the curtain comes down?

# I've never felt this way. #

-Ah!

-Oh, my God.

-Hey, how are you?

-Hey, I'm good.

-Good. I'll give you... Come and give you a hug.

-Yeah. Come on.

Just going to... I'll step over.

-It's nice to meet you properly.

-Yeah.

I instantly thought, "Wow! She's actually quite pretty."

Yeah, I think he's attractive. Yeah, I'm happy with my decision.

So Bridget Jones found her Hugh Grant-a-like.

But do we have a Hollywood-style happy ending?

It's been up there with the other two Bridget Jones films.

In fact it's probably been a bit better,

because it had a spider-eating demon in it.

But to prove that our Bridget and Chris have found true love,

they have to reunite here,

over champagne and some magnificent candle holders.

All they have to do is turn up.

And Chris is here.

But has Bridget dumped him to run off with a Colin Firth lookalike?

No, she's here!

Ah!

-I'm very relieved.

-I wasn't sure if you'd come.

-Nice to see you.

-Nice to see you.

-Come down.

THEY CHEER

Good work. Good work.

Oh, it's real, actual, true love.

Oh, I do like it when that happens.

-Anyway, cheers.

-Cheers.

# We can build this dream together

# Standing strong for ever... #

Mmm...warm.

You'll get what you're given, fusspot.

So Bridget Jones had just one wish

To find love with a leprechaun, demon, or fish

Jake was a poet With cheese as his muse

Matty talked wee-wees To try and amuse

Chris was delighted, Her heart he was winning

Is this the end? No, it's just the beginning.

# I'd better knock

# Knock

# On wood

# Baby

# I'd better knock

# Knock

# Oh, yeah

# Think I'd better knock

# Knock, knock

# On wood

# Think I'd better knock

# Knock, knock

# On wood

# Think I'd better knock

# Knock, knock... #