Alex, the Demon Sexy Beasts

This programme contains strong language.

In a world where attraction is based on looks, what happens

if you have to rely solely on your personality?

-Well, thanks to some horrifying monster make-up...

-That's horrible!

..we're going to find out.

Fuck! It's like looking at your dad.

Will true love blossom when what you see is definitely not what you get?

This is Sexy Beasts.

I'd say I'm quite confident about my looks. I'm not saying I'm amazing

but I'd say I've definitely got something that appeals.

# I'm on the highway to hell... #

Meet Alex - he's a personal trainer and a part-time wrestler...

My wrestling name is The Heartbreaker, Alex Kidd.

This going to sound so cheesy when I say it.

Well, maybe a bit, but ladies - this man is single

and looking for love. It's been six months

since Alex had a girlfriend, and dating has not been good to him.

I did have one date that I took her out for, like, a coffee.

Her ex was right behind us.

As I went to the toilet and came back, she was with her ex again.

So it was a bit awkward, I had to leave.

But if a lady does stick around longer than it takes to have a wee,

there is one thing they won't get from Alex - a romantic meal out.

I'm very fussy when it comes to food.

No fruits, no vegetables, no meat, really.

A date going for a meal is ruined.

Fussy little devil, isn't he?

We've transformed Alex with state-of-the-art prosthetics,

so are looks normally important to him?

Best friend Callum can tell us.

-An improvement, mate.

-Oh, thanks.

-No problem, mate.

I think he looks in the mirror for about an hour before we go out.

-He tries to get a pump on.

-A what?

You do a few press ups, makes your chest look a bit bigger.

I haven't got a pump on right now, obviously, this shirt is

tight fitting so if I got a pump on right now, I'd probably rip it.

Happens to me all the time.

So what does Alex like in a lady?

-Now, that's a good question.

-Boobs or bum?

-Ooh. BOTH: Boobs.

-Aaah, see.

-Oh, boys.

Well, we have six boobs for Alex to pretend not to look at today,

the first pair belong to a werewolf.

Obvs.

I'd love a guy to just kiss me in the rain,

very much like Breakfast At Tiffany's.

I like small gestures like that that are a little bit kind of cute.

# Aaoooo, werewolves of London. #

Ah - meet Charlotte,

a PR consultant who's looking for romance.

And she really is looking. She's had a LOT of first dates.

They have all gone really well, actually.

I have come away feeling, yeah, that was a good date.

Haven't had a second one, though!

Oh, dear.

Maybe I'm just a little scary? I have been told I can be.

So maybe I'm not nice enough?

Here's best friend Emily. She's come to tell us

what Charlotte looks for in a man.

Raah!

I think intelligence is the main thing that attracts her to guys.

She likes guys with receding hairlines.

Well, does Alex have a receding hairline

under that receding hairline?

We won't find out until later when the dating is done - meanwhile,

here's girl number two.

My dating history isn't very successful.

I get quite intense quite quickly, I think. Maybe that is my problem.

And I drink a lot of wine on first dates, which isn't the best idea.

Meet Vicky - an events manager with a chequered dating past.

# I lost my heart to a starship trooper... #

I have married myself off after one date before.

I was definite that he was the one.

There was definitely a drunk phone call but I don't recall any of it

but I'm pretty sure I told him he was the one

and there may have been a song as well.

He didn't ever text back, ever.

So she acts weird, but does Vicky usually look this weird?

In terms of looks I'd probably give myself five on a normal day

and, if I put a bit of, you know, two bras on and a nice dress,

I would give myself a six.

So who would be Vicky Two-bras' ideal man?

Leonardo DiCaprio. He is just sexy and he is talented.

And apparently he's very...meaty.

Dirty girl!

This show's all about what's on the inside.

Here's best friend Chloe with more insight.

Brace yourselves.

-That looks nothing like you.

-I know, that's the whole point.

She kind of gets quite nervous sometimes

and she will compensate by saying stuff which is a bit awkward,

like, did you love your ex-girlfriend?

That is never a good thing to say to anyone,

especially when you are in bed with them!

Oh, Alex.

You've got a long day ahead of you,

but things are looking up - lady three is a beauty queen!

At the moment, I'm currently Miss West Yorkshire.

People say I'm quite high maintenance.

If I want something, I have to get what I really want, because I won't settle for less.

# She's a monster... #

As a high maintenance beauty queen,

Belindah is used to the high life.

My best date was when I went to McDonald's with my date.

It was actually quite all right. We had jokes and it was good.

Classy.

Here's friend Kat with more.

-Aagh! That's horrible!

-Do you not like it?

She is definitely not looking for a fling.

She is looking for somebody who will treat her right

and pretty much does as she says, I think!

So, three lady beasts and one horny devil - the masks only

come off when the dating is done.

Who will Alex choose?

We start with the speed dates.

There he is...sipping his water..

blending in with his chair.

Each of our hideous ladies have just five minutes to impress him

using their personalities alone.

Once he's met all three, Lucif-Alex will toss one into the burning

fires of hell - or, they'll be leaving the show.

First into the devil's lair is the Home Counties werewolf

in London, Charlotte.

-Hi, how are you? Charlotte.

-I'm good thanks, Alex.

-Lovely to meet you.

-And you.

So, what have your past relationships been like?

Um... They've been all right, actually,

the relationships have been really good.

-Do you do much dating?

-Disasters, mainly!

I think that's perhaps the most intense date

I have ever had in my life!

I have never been asked so many questions about relationships

and myself in succession before!

Oh, Oh, dear. So bit of a dodgy start from the dating demon,

but I have faith. Come on, Alex, say something earth-trembling.

-Do much at the weekends?

-'Oh!'

-I'm usually in London at the weekend.

Do you do much in the weeks?

No!

-Yeah, I started work on Monday.

-What you go for in a guy?

The ability to hold an intellectual conversation

is really important in a guy.

OK. So... Let's see, let's see...

My date with Charlotte went OK.

She talked about having an intellectual conversation

and being able to hold one, which sort of worried me

because I wasn't sure what level.

I'm not sure he is the kind of guy I would normally go for.

He seems to be a bit on the petite side.

But I have got some short friends and they are lovely.

Er - let's move on.

Next trying to woo our Available Antichrist is Squiddy Belindah.

-You look nice.

-Thank you very much.

-Nice horns.

-I like your tentacles, yes.

-My tentacles?

All day I have been calling them testicles!

HE LAUGHS

-Do you want to feel?

-Nice.

-Can I feel your horns?

-Go for it.

Oh, that's good.

-What do you do?

-Me, well, I go to college. And I'm in a pageant.

-I'm Miss West Yorkshire.

-Pretty good. How much preparation do you need?

Quite a lot of preparation, walking and so on. It's quite hard.

What would you say you really go for in a guy?

Someone, like, hench, I like. Like, oh, yeah.

It is good for me that she likes hench guys, as she put it.

Obviously means she's quite into the muscles

so that is definitely something that is quite appealing, really.

-What would be your favourite date?

-Perfect date, probably having a dinner.

Oh, bollocks.

A romantic dinner! This devil's worst nightmare.

-I'm really picky with food. Really fussy.

-Oh, my God, so am I!

I can't help it. I can't eat certain foods. I thought I was the only one!

I thought I was.

Phew. Back in the game.

It's quite perfect that she's picky with food, same as me,

which obviously means she's not desperate

to have a nice romantic meal.

I can't have certain foods but he's fussy, so... Which is kind of good.

I have found someone like me.

Wow. They've got so much in common - it's a match made in hell.

Overall, I thought that was actually quite all right.

Do I like his personality or do I just like him for his looks?

It is definitely not his looks, so I think it is his personality.

Well, that seemed to go very well.

Space Oddity Vicky is going to have to do something pretty special

to beat that. And I can confirm she is only wearing one bra.

-Oh, wow. Are you OK?

-Wow. Hello, nice to meet you.

-Same here.

You look very horny!

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

The horny joke, I think she meant that to break the ice which was

very good, if I hadn't forgotten that I had horns on my head.

-I have got you a present. There you go.

-Thank you very much.

-You have to open them now though.

-I have to open it now? OK.

Ooh and it's chocolates! Everyone loves chocolates!

And that one, that's the morning after pill.

-What?!

-OK.

-I just thought, just to show you that I'm organised.

-Yeah.

That was a bit forward.

Maybe that's what she was hoping for, I don't know,

but it's not what was on my agenda to do in the near future.

I think I scared the shit out of him, if I'm honest.

Do you have any pets?

-I have cats. I live with my mum.

-You live with your mum and you have cats?

Why don't I just put two crosses in the old book?

Well, it's still early days, Vicky. Maybe Hell Boy can beguile you

with his chat.

-Do you hang out with friends a lot?

-'Genius.'

Not just dating, oh, my God, that makes me sound like a loser.

I like the adrenaline of going on a date.

It is sort of like wrestling, if it goes well.

If it goes well, hopefully! Fingers crossed it goes well.

She's a very nice girl, yes, but I think the fact

she was very forward made me feel a bit uncomfortable at first.

He didn't, you know, the earth didn't move for me, if I'm honest.

It's a shame because I was really excited about meeting him.

Our ladies have all fraternised with the devil

and he must now bin one off, based purely on personality.

Will he make the right choice?

It's time for...

SCARY VOICE: The dating apocalypse!

Part One.

-Hello, ladies.

-ALL: Hello.

Single red demon Alex has made his decision.

I've made my decision.

Told you - and one of these beautiful,

revolting freaks is about to be unmasked, and shown the door.

Will SheWolf Charlotte get her kiss in the rain?

Did Belindah, the most beautiful woman in West Yorkshire,

impress with her accidental testicles?

Will Vicky be needing the, erm, special item from her chocolate box?

Take it away, Satan.

Belindah. You are very flirty, which is good.

You had a good sense of humour. At times, maybe a little too flirty.

I didn't think I was too flirty, but, yeah.

Vicky, you seem like you could be a real laugh.

But sometimes, I think you are too forward.

Well, yeah, I mean, I can learn from that.

Charlotte, you are quite talkative, which is good,

but on an intellectual level, we're not quite evenly matched.

-I know too much about Shakespeare, for you, maybe?

-That may be it.

Although, do you know we share the same birthday? You didn't ask that.

-You and Shakespeare?

-We do. There we go. OK.

The beast that I'm binning is...

-..Charlotte.

-'And the wolf is slain!'

-Sorry, very lovely girl.

-That's OK.

-Nice to meet you.

-Lovely to meet you, too.

So I am first out.

I'm quite disappointed that I've got to take the make-up off now.

I really wanted to go out tonight to a bar or something wearing it,

to see what people acted like.

I may even have met somebody else in a bar wearing this.

Charlotte seems to have coped with the tragedy of missing

out on Alex remarkably well.

But before we set her free to go hunting down boys in the rain,

it's time to reveal the real Charlotte.

Wow! Well, that's a surprise.

Oh, dear.

Alex binned a beauty. Time for everyone to see for the first time,

what he's missed out on.

-Wow, you are really pretty.

-You are smoking hot.

-Thanks.

I think Charlotte is very pretty.

If she had a personality to match her looks then she would have been perfect.

You are really pretty, I can tell, cos he's definitely got the horn.

He's got a third horn.

Can we just get this clear, I haven't, by the way,

for all of those going, has he? Hasn't he? I haven't.

Not down there, just to be clear.

So what have we learnt?

Well, Alex definitely doesn't have an erection. Good.

But Belindah also learned something.

There's now a tiny elephant in the room.

I was quite nervous for Alex to come in, but when he did,

he was like, really, really short.

And I was like...

Wow. I like boys who are tall.

When went on the date, he was sat down, so he didn't look as short.

But when I seen him, I was like, oh, my God!

But obviously, me and Alex got along,

so we will see how the date goes.

Can Alex recover from this trauma?

He's about to take Belindah and Vicky on second dates,

after which he'll choose one weird alien girl to be his sexy beast.

First up, it's Vicky.

I'm sexy and I know it.

# Tonight we'll dance

# I'll be yours and you'll be mine... #

And the big news on date number one is that hell has frozen over.

Yes, Beelzebalex and Beaky Vicky have gone ice skating.

Or more specifically, ice trying-not-to-fall-over-ing.

This is not my ideal of trying to make somebody think I'm sexy.

This is how I would be walking home from a night out in my high heels.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-I don't want...

-Can I hold on to your horns?

Horns? No, don't hold on to them, they'll fall off.

The date is going really well.

I was a bit worried that it was going to be not much talking

because of the fact that we are on ice

and we have got to try to stay up, but it is going really well.

# Ice, ice, baby. #

You say that Alex, while you're chatting, history may have

repeated itself - your date's gone off with someone else!

I haven't ice skated since I was a fat kid at school.

And usually, the only ice I have on my second date is in my gin

and tonic, so...

Do you want me to get you one of those penguins?

I would love you to go and get me one of those penguin things.

A penguin. Genius.

# I can be your hero, baby... #

Chivalry is alive and well and floundering across the ice,

scaring children.

I think this is worse. I feel like I am in a sex position,

like an old lady in a Zimmer frame.

I know you've gone to the effort, but...it's not for me.

-Sorry.

-Leave it there. They'll never notice.

Can I ask something really rude?

-Yeah, go on.

-It's really rude.

-Yeah?

-OK.

So my friend, she dates a guy who, like, goes to the gym

-and he drinks those protein shakes.

-Oh, yeah.

And I wonder, if she gives him blow jobs, will she get really muscly?

HE LAUGHS

-Honestly?

-No, no, no.

-No?

-No, it goes straight to your muscles.

It's something you have got to ask, though.

Nobody has ever asking that question before in my life.

I think she was asking for personal reasons

in case it may happen in the future.

I think personally, she was trying to come onto me a little bit,

but who knows?

I tried to spice it up a bit.

The best topic to do that is blow jobs, really.

So ice-dancing with the devil was, appropriately, hell for Vicky.

Can they bond over some apres-ice ice cream?

So, what would you normally do on a second date?

On a second date?

-Not being too graphic.

-No, I'm joking, that's fine.

What about height, how do you feel about that?

-What do I feel about height?

-Yeah.

-I have had short guys before.

-Yeah?

-These horns add inches.

-I know, yes. I'm getting a little bit taller.

OK, get in.

Don't knock me out with your horns.

Aw, they do make a great disgusting-looking couple.

Got anything to say about the date, Alex?

Thought it was going to be a lot worse than it was. But, it was OK.

No? Never mind. OK. Vicky.

I did think he was really sweet but, no, not really.

Oh, dear - it's not Kanye and Kim, is it?

However, Alex still has one date left - bring on Belindah!

This is London's trendy Portobello Road,

home to one of the most famous markets in the world.

Beauty Queen Belindah is on a date with Satan.

so if you're romancing the antichrist,

what' the first thing you ask?

-Are you religious?

-I used to be quite religious.

It's calmed down a bit after I stopped going to church

-and stuff like that, so...

-Why?

I just sort of, I had different beliefs.

Things started popping up, could this be true, could that be true?

Do you go to church? Or pray?

Yeah, I go to church with my grandma and my mum sometimes.

If she ever found out that I was going out with the devil,

she would go, wow, what are you doing? Yeah.

She would be like, babe, I bless you with the holy spirit!

The date begins with a walk around some of the vintage clothing stalls -

trying on hats, trying on feathery things,

and trying on coats - but there's not much chat.

He is definitely not what I expected.

I thought he was outgoing, and chatty.

But he seems very, very quiet.

But maybe things could change, because I haven't finished yet.

But salvation is at hand, in the shape of a cheese and wine cafe.

A food-related finale. With the world's fussiest demon.

What could possibly go wrong?

I'm going to be sick. I will be sick.

-You have to try brie.

-Do I have to? Do I really have to?

-Yeah.

-Just a little bit. Come on.

-I will be sick. Go on, then.

You're meant to be a wrestler! One, two... No cheating!

Go.

Is it nice?

Very different.

-Do you like it?

-Yeah, yeah, it is nice.

-Think you can eat a bit more, then?

-It's nice.

Just had to go for it and shut my eyes

and hope that it didn't taste that bad.

My favourite cheese is red Leicester

and there was nothing like that there.

Ooh wine, they'll be thrilled!

Um... I don't drink.

Oh. Whose idea was this?

Shall I just try it?

It doesn't attract me.

Do you like it?

It leaves a horrible aftertaste.

That's 34 quid a bottle!

Oh, just wash it down with cheese.

Ready? One, two, three...

-It's different... Very different.

-Ugh.

Yes, you are watching Satan himself retching on cheese

on the Portobello Road. You're welcome, Britain!

-Do you not like it?

-No. I can't eat it.

-You know you want to.

-I hate oranges, I'll be sick.

-I'll let you stroke me test... me tentacles.

-You what?

-You know what I said!

Hang on, is it just me

or are these two actually bonding over a mutually fussy palate?

# Daddy, I've fallen for a monster

# He got a black heart... #

-I've got hiccups.

-Have you?

-Yeah. Are you ready? One, two...

-That's not too bad.

-You like that one?

-It's not bad.

-Maybe not!

-That wasn't a nice look!

-Maybe not.

I'm actually quite happy that we did that,

because we got to connect more, and I got to know more about him.

-Ugh!

-He is actually quite outgoing. I like that.

Quite flirty again, a little bit.

She's quite nice, quite talkative and we had a bit of a laugh, which is good.

Demonic dating time is over.

So Beasts, tell us, what the Hell was that like?

To be honest, I completely forgot about the mask, forgot she was wearing it.

It didn't make any odds.

I think wearing a mask is much more better,

because I'm not bothered about, oh, my God,

is my hair OK, or is my mascara OK, is my foundation in place.

So then, it's decision time for Alex - who will be his Sexy Beast?

Will it be Vicky?

Despite his chivalrous acquisition of a penguin, it would seem

that in Vicky's mind, it would be a cold day in Hell

before she would get up to any Satanic sauciness with Alex.

However, he doesn't know that.

Or will he pick Belindah?

Their date did go better despite a fairly silent start.

They enjoyed not liking cheese together.

Unfortunately, Belindah is into tall men.

However, Alex doesn't know that.

Time to find out who he's gone for,

and then the masks are coming off.

-Hello, ladies.

-GIRLS: Hello.

OK. First date, Vicky.

-It was really good.

-Did you think so?

-It did feel a little awkward at times.

-All the time.

The whole thing was awkward.

I was only using you to hold me up, to be honest.

-Belindah.

-Mm-hm?

The market, we weren't very talkative

and I did feel a little bit awkward.

Yeah. It was. Because you wasn't talking, either.

When we were in the cheese shop, it was really good.

We had a lot more to laugh about, a lot more chatting.

Decision time.

Belindah or Vicky?

Belindah loves his personality but hates his height, and Vicky

doesn't care that he's small, but does hate his personality.

My Sexy Beast is...

Belindah.

That's good.

Jubilant scenes as the lucky Beast is chosen!

-Congratulations.

-Oh, yeah.

-I hope you're very happy together.

Thank you very much.

How are they all feeling as they prepare to be unmasked?

I'm quite happy to the Alex's sexy beast because obviously

I look like this, so my personality must be really good.

I'm not Alex's sexy beast. I am absolutely over the moon!

I'm excited that I have won,

but now I am really excited to see how he really looks like.

Even if he had the face of Brad Pitt, I still wouldn't want

to sit on it, to be honest.

Charming. Well we'll find out what our little devil looks like in a minute.

First we and Alex must meet the real Vicky.

Three hours in make-up transformed her into a purple-haired SheHawk,

but THIS is what Vicky looks like underneath.

Very presentable.

It was a wig all along, and her real nose is nowhere near as pointy.

Time for Alex to find out if he's made a mistake,

and although Vicky gets to feast her eyes on the real Alex,

you must wait a little while longer....

Oh, wow.

-Yeah, oh...

-You look so much younger than what I expected.

And you look so much younger than I expected!

If we did go out, we would look like mother and son.

Oh, look at him!

He was really sweet and I'm really pleased he didn't choose me.

You're better than I thought.

-You're way better than what I expected.

-I thought you were going to be awful.

Belindah will think Alex is cute,

but at the moment, he is way too young for me.

Hours in the make-up chair transformed

Belindah into an alien with test...I mean

tentacles on her chin, a vagina on her forehead and the

complexion of congealed pizza. But this is what's beneath all that.

Unexpected!

# I've been really trying, baby... #

You can see why she's Miss West Yorkshire!

Surely Alex will be happy with this choice?

This is the Alex we've come to know and love - horns, ruddy complexion,

massive chin, pointy ears.

But this is the man that lurks underneath.

I'm sensing a touch of Wayne Rooney, but in a good way.

Altogether less devilish,

but will Belindah think that he's devilishly handsome?

Time to find out.

-Wow! You look so different.

-Really pretty.

-Thank you.

-Nice to finally meet you.

-I knew you didn't have hair.

How could you tell?

I don't know... Because you do wrestling?

I could just tell you did not have hair and I knew you had a hench face...

-Well, a muscular face.

-I could tell you had long hair, had a feeling.

-Nice to finally meet you.

-Oh, yeah. Same with you. You don't look old.

-You look quite...

-You look really young as well.

-Oh, thank you.

-I think I have made the right choice, definitely.

-Did you? Oh, that's good.

Hmm. It's like Romeo and Juliet, but the bit where they're both dead

at the end and it's really miserable.

Sorry, spoiler alert. So what did they think?

I was just like... I can't believe I'm right!

Because I knew he had a hench face. I really did like his personality.

It's just his height.

I think Belindah was definitely better than what I was expecting.

I think I did very well.

I think if it was purely on the looks,

I would probably have gone for Charlotte, which pains me a little bit!

But I've learned a lot about it's more about the personality

and I think I would go more for personality.

I think looks have definitely got a big influence on me

but definitely, personality should come first.

So there we are - everyone seems pleasantly surprised

by the real faces that lurked beneath the Beasts,

and Alex picked someone he might not normally go for.

Which was the point, after all.

But now the masks are off,

one final question remains - do we have a romance on our hands?

To signify their intentions,

all Belindah and Alex have to do is turn up here.

Free champagne and the promise of eternal love. Who's in?

Anyone?

Hello?

Anyone?

No-one?

Oh. No latex love this time..

Oh, well - they won't be needing this, then.

Our tale of love has come to an end

And our Beasts have revealed they just want to be friends

Alex dated, he skated, he even tried cheese

But in the end, they were too hard to please

So what have we learned, now our fairy tale's done?

This time, no-one was interested - goodbye, everyone.

# The devil inside

# Yeah, yeah, yeah... #