Episode 1 Snog Marry Avoid?

-# ..Of every fashion magazine... #

-Move it!

# I'm going to feel that feeling Going to lose control tonight! #

If you're obsessed with make-up, in love with false lashes

and about as natural as a can of fake tan,

then beware, because here on Snog, Marry, Avoid

we have our own little obsession with natural beauty and quite frankly, we're coming to get you,

so ditch the slap, hide the glitter because, my friends, their days are numbered.

Welcome to the naturally beautiful world of the make-under.

Hello, POD, long time, no see. I must say, it's good to be back!

Hello, the Frost. Oh, how I've missed your lovely face!

And I've missed your gorgeous purple lens, POD.

-Now, are you ready to go back to work?

-Ready?! I can't PODing wait

to get my lens on the slap addicts.

Yes, it's certainly exciting and even more so because, this time, we've gone global.

My natural beauty mission knows no boundaries

and I managed to seek out quite a few make-up mad madams, topping up their filthy tans on their holidays.

Yes, and we'll be meeting them soon but, before you do,

we've got some work to do right here on some babes in Blighty.

Let me at them, Frost!

Certainly, POD. Also, keep your eyes open for some famous faces.

They're going to tell us whether they'd snog, marry or avoid our girls!

I like the sound of that!

Coming up on tonight's show:

POD has a run-in with the Mafia...

Gold, gold, gold, it's just gold isn't it?

..turns hard as nails with a busty blonde...

I'd rather break a leg than a nail!

..and gets a lesson from a teacher!

My style is short skirts and big shoes.

-So come on, Frost, let me at them!

-All right, calm down.

You're going to need to be on top form for this one, POD. Brace yourself, it's Chloe Mafia. Aye!

Easy, my name's Chloe Mafia, I'm from Wakefield in West Yorkshire and I'm a full-time yummy mummy.

# You're a superstar That is what you are... #

I live with my baby's dad and my daughter, Destiny.

We're like famous in Wakefield

for just being bling-bling sort of thing, wearing the nice matching outfits.

It's all about Burberry. What else can I say? My mission

is just to be glamorous, glamorous, glamorous!

I get through so much fake tan it's unbelievable - loads and loads and loads of fake tan.

Every couple of days, I have to do her tan for her.

She's hard to cope with.

I hope nobody in work is watching this!

I love make-up because it just makes you look perfect.

I'm going for like a browny-caramelly, goldy sort of colour,

any colour except white.

So loads of that. Loads. As much as you can put on.

A bit more mascara. Can't get enough mascara.

Loads of lip gloss. Juicy!

Time for outfits now, best part!

MUSIC: "Get Low" by T-pain featuring Flo-Rida

Sparkly, show-stopping, glamorous. Every day is a fashion show.

All l can say about this outfit is gold, gold, gold.

It's just gold, isn't it?

Right, I've got my boyfriend there - "Ian Forever".

"Destiny", that's my daughter's name.

I've got "Nasty" there and then I've got "Bad Girl" on my back there as well.

Let's get the party started!

# Low low low low low low low... #

I think POD has got her work cut out but I think POD will do the job.

So if you're listening, POD, I hope you do it!

POD, you don't know what you're dealing with. You've got a fight on your hands

-because you ain't ever going to change me! Chloe Mafia.

-You know!

-Hello, Chloe Mafia.

-Hello!

-Now Mafia is not your real surname, so where did that come from?

Do you know what it is, I don't really know, you know, it just came to me but I really like it now.

What do you think POD's going to try and take off you?

Extensions, eye lashes, tan, all my make-up - my worst nightmare, really - everything.

I think you'll look gorgeous but I think you'll be shocked when you see yourself, aren't you?

Shocked at how bad I look, yeah!

Once you get a whole new look, top to toe, you're going to surprise yourself.

You'll be like that... "I'm gorgeous! Look at me!"

Right, Chloe Mafia, I'm going to wish you good luck in POD.

You're going to look naturally gorgeous!

I am POD, the Personal Overhaul Device, who are you?

I'm Chloe Mafia.

-Are you a crime lord?

-No, no, no. No, man.

But you have been robbed of style and sophistication.

I do look sophisticated. What are you talking about?

A tea towel and a tutu are hardly the height of sophistication.

-I've got a bit of chav at heart.

-So is that why you look like you're caked in mud?

-Yeah, got it one!

-And I've made an effort.

-What do you think of natural beauty?

It don't exist. Only in my daughter. She's gorgeous, she's a little princess, she's called Destiny.

-POD would like to meet Destiny.

-OK.

Hello, Destiny.

-I don't think she likes you!

-Why not?

-Cos you're not being nice to her mummy!

Her mummy was right, she is very beautiful.

I know. I told you she was a natural beauty, didn't I?

-Perhaps you should take some tips from Destiny, not the other way round.

-Yes.

Yeah? Is that right?

-Looks like Destiny agrees with POD.

-Yeah, she's trying to impress you.

POD is very impressed with Destiny, just NOT her mother.

-Goodbye, Destiny.

-Go bye-bye.

-Bye, bye.

-Can you remember the last time YOU looked as naturally beautiful as Destiny?

-No, not at all!

-Let me remind you.

-I look like a Muppet!

-You look lovely, like your guinea pig.

He was called Nibbles. He died of frostbite.

-And you will too, if you don't put some clothes on!

-Ha ha ha!

Why have you come to POD for a make-under?

I don't want to look like a scrubber and be known as a scrubber.

I want to look like nice and be known as being nice.

POD can help you do that but first I need to run

the public analysis part of my programme.

Ooh, go on, then.

I asked the public:

I'd go with snog.

Play.

I'd avoid Chloe. She's got way too much make-up.

I would definitely avoid that girl.

Yeah, I'd avoid her

because she's caked in make-up!

Maybe I want to avoid them, too! They sound like Muppets to me!

I also asked Karl Kennedy from Neighbours. You like him?

-I've a feeling I won't after this!

-Play.

You know something, I'd probably

come close to snogging you, darling, but I'd be worried about getting bashed to death

with those eyelashes! No, no, no!

I don't think so, bruv!

He's a joker, man, the guy's a joker!

The majority of people we asked

agreed with Dr Karl Kennedy

and wanted to avoid you completely.

-Ugh!

-What emotion are you registering, Chloe?

-Battered up, man!

POD is here to help. Are you ready for my verdict?

Go on. Now or never, go on.

Chloe Mafia, you are a fake, tacky alley cat

and you need my:

Oh, nice one!

Here is your make-under menu.

Choose a new hairstyle...

sleek, sweeping chop, pixie crop,

long and wavy, funky up-do.

I'll go with...

funky up-do.

Choose a new

celebrity style...

Vanessa Hudgens, Holly Willoughby,

Rachel Bilson, Nicole Ritchie.

Ooh, Nichole Ritchie.

Thank you, Chloe Mafia. It is now time

to scrub you clean and prepare you for natural beauty.

Aah, I didn't want to do this bit!

Tough! Run phase 2, deep cleanse.

-Please put on your deep-cleanse uniform.

-Oh, god!

-Now, get wiping.

I can't believe you're doing this to me, POD.

I can't believe how much make-up is on that wipe!

-There goes all my street cred! Boom, gone!

-And there goes all that slap -

-boom, gone!

-You shouldn't do that to me, man!

-You shouldn't do that to yourself, woman!

Are you ready to meet the new you?

-Try it!

-I will. Run phase three, the make-under.

Whoa, I don't even look like me!

-You like a beautiful you.

-I'm honestly gob-smacked!

-I can't even speak, hardly.

-POD is gob-smacked by your gorgeous face.

It does look nice, like right smooth and that, and right flawless.

Correct. You are...

# Flawless, absolutely flawless. #

Talking of flawless, shall we see what Destiny thinks?

Will she recognise me, that's the thing?

-Let's find out.

-Aw!

POD couldn't resist giving Destiny a bit of a babe-under!

-She looks cute, doesn't she?

-Yes. Do you think Destiny approves of your new look?

-Do you like mummy's look?

-Yeah.

-I think that's a yes. Shall we see if the public agree?

-Yeah.

-Previously,

the majority of people we asked wanted to avoid you.

Let's see what they would do now. Play.

I would snog, I would snog her, yeah.

I would snog her because she's got a nice smile.

I think I'd marry her.

A massive 70% of the people we asked

wanted to marry you...

and everyone else wanted to snog you.

Here's how I achieved your new stunning look.

Naturally olive skin does not need heavy foundation.

A tinted moisturiser is all you need to bring out brown skin tones.

Dress up a playsuit with statement shoes

to create a classy, not chavvy, look.

It does look classy. Yeah, it does look classy.

So will you be keeping your new natural look?

Yeah, I'll give it a try. I'll give it a try. You might have rescued me!

Another success for POD!

-Goodbye, Chloe Mafia.

-In a bit.

# She's like a star

# A star a star... #

-Whoa!

-What do you think?

-No joke, I'd say you look proper nice!

-Do I?

-Yeah!

'Now I would say that she looks classy.'

She always wanted to be a model and now people can see out there,

yeah, that she's got on her way because she looks really different.

-You look really nice though, man.

-Serious?

You look classy, I swear.

-Natural man, yeah.

-Is natural better?

-Yeah, course it is, man, you know it is!

I'm really proud. Thanks, POD, you've done a good job. I hope she sticks to it now!

I agree with Chloe's boyfriend, she did look like a model, but will she keep it up?

We'll find out later.

Now Chloe's top tip is to get your fellow to apply your false tan

and weirdly enough, that's quite a sensible idea, compared to this lot!

If you ever cut your nail, and it's a little bit jagged and it catches onto your clothes

or whatever, then you walk up to the nearest wall, nearest brick wall and you rub it against the wall,

like that, and it shaves your nail down and you have a smooth nail again.

If you're doing your eyeliner on the bus, wait for a red light otherwise it will go all over your face.

Don't let your friends do your make-up. Only you know how to make you look beautiful!

Next up is the much-manicured Kate.

Now watch it, POD, don't upset her or she might scratch your lens out!

Hi, I'm Kate, a model from Surrey.

I'm 19 and I live with my mum and my nails are my life! I love them!

I would rather break my leg than break a nail.

My nails are the longest you can get. I'm single.

I spend more time on my nails than I do on a bloke.

Lovely, lovely! There are many uses for long nails.

I can actually get toast out of a toaster without using a knife!

I can do tea bags, too!

Who needs a spoon?

And letters!

# Ta-da! #

Time for fake tan!

If someone calls me orange, I take it as a big compliment. Thank you!

Now, make-up time.

One things nails can't do is open little things!

Can normal people do this?

I actually can't!

As much eyeshadow as possible.

Glitter, glitter, glitter! Now my lips. I love having long hair.

We love a bit of back-combing!

Back-combing, baby!

People shout out to me, "Do you know your bum's showing?"

And I shout, "Hell, yeah, mwah!"

This outfit is one of my favourites because it shows off my boobies!

To describe Kate in three words I would say,

"Fake, outrageous and long!"

-LAUGHTER >

-Yeah, you hear that?

I'm going to go out tonight and find me one of those hot men!

# Yeah, the bad boys are always catching my eye... #

I attract the naughty men.

Any attention is better than no attention.

This is why we wear hair extensions!

POD has no chance of taking my make-up.

As long as I'm getting looks like that, it's going nowhere!

-Hello, Kate.

-Hi!

-How are you today?

-Good.

-You're brightening up this very dull grey day with your fabulous pinkness.

How long is this hair?

-30 inches.

-So your look is all about extremes -

-extremely long hair, EXTREMELY long nails! I mean how do you even do your make-up?

-I've got used to them

but now I just think they're short!

You think they're short?!

I'm just so used to them now.

So what sort of reactions do you get when you walk into a club?

A lot of heads turning, good or bad I'm not sure.

As long as these are out, I'm happy!

-How are you feeling about going into POD?

-Nervous, and excited.

I'm scared about what she's going to take away!

Right, I'm going to wish you good luck in POD and I'll see you on the other side.

I am POD. Who are you?

Hi, I'm Kate.

-Kate?

-Yes, POD.

-Are you experiencing an embarrassing

-wardrobe-malfunction?

-Why do you say that, POD?

Because your dress appears to have been ripped down the middle!

My dress is lovely, and I love to show off everything I've got.

-And my goodness, isn't there a lot...

-Yeah!

..of fakery?!

There's nothing wrong with a bit of fakeness.

So that explains the awful eyelashes, muddy skin and the appalling extensions?

I don't agree, POD.

-Excuse me, Kate, what in POD's name have you got on the end of your fingers?

-My nails!

They're not nails, they're witches' claws!

-No, they're not!

-How do you function in life with those tacky talons?

I've adapted well.

Then you should have no problem with this. Please peel the banana, Kate.

You appear to be having some trouble there.

-I can't do it, POD.

-You don't say?!

-Have you always been this fake, Kate?

-Yes, definitely!

Then who is this lovely natural girl?

Oh, my god,

-it's horrible!

-No, it's natural and very sweet.

I'm still a sweet, innocent girl!

-Well, that's not the image you are projecting!

-No!

Why have you come to POD for a make-under?

To see if I can find Mr Right.

I think by my look I'm attracting the wrong guys, the naughty guys.

-What sort of man would you like to attract?

-A nice one!

-Well, I'll see what I can do.

Run phase one,

-public analysis.

-Yeah!

-I asked the public:

What do you think they said?

-Snog?

-Play.

I'd avoid her. She seems a bit of a gold-digger.

I would snog this lady

but she is a bit too dressy, a bit too easy.

Avoid her. She looks like trouble.

Did you ask any real men?

Yes, I did. I also asked

TV's very manly Jeremy Edwards what he would do. Play.

I would avoid this girl. I think those nails,

or talons, are really, really quite scary and not to mention all her other assets.

I think he'd snog me

if I was stood in front of him.

Whatever you say, Kate. The majority of the public agreed with Jeremy

and wanted to avoid you. I also asked:

-Digging up turnips?

-Yes. What do you think they said?

-They said "turn on".

-Play.

Her nails are good for digging up turnips.

They're very scary!

Her nails are minging.

They're good for digging up turnips.

Good for digging up turnips.

And who has claws like that, except cats?!

-No-one thought your nails were a turn-on.

-No-one?

No. 90% of the people we asked

said your nails were only good

for digging up turnips.

Would you like a career as a turnip-picker?

No, POD!

-Are you ready for my verdict?

-Yes.

You are a tacky-talon, scary-hairy, fake lady and you need my -

Yeah, maybe.

-Before we go any further, POD needs you to remove your ridiculous nails.

-Uh-oh.

POD will not be refused. Hold up your hands.

I think we need something a bit bigger than this!

OK. Here you go.

-You want me to cut my nails?!

-Correct!

No!

-Just do it, Kate!

-They're too strong!

-They're too long!

-But they really don't want to come off, POD!

-Oh, but they really will!

Those witches' claws are no match for POD.

I'll get them, my pretty!

POD CACKLES

I bet you will, POD!

Correct! Run the make-under.

SHE SQUEALS

Oh, my God!

-Oh, blimey!

-So, do you like it?

It's amazing. It doesn't look like me!

It looks like the naturally beautiful you.

Oh, thank you, POD!

And, Kate, what's happened to your nails?

They've gone, POD!

POD has a little present for you.

-Hold out your hands.

-Oh, lots of bananas!

-You can tuck into those, later.

-Thanks, POD.

What sort of men do you think you'll attract with this new natural look?

-Nice boys.

-Do you want to find out?

-Yes, definitely.

Previously the majority of the people we asked wanted to avoid you.

-They did, POD!

-Let's see what they would do now. Play.

She looks a respectable, well-dressed, quite stylish girl;

marryable.

Snog her, because she's very cute looking.

I will snog her because she's really pretty.

Now, a massive 60% want to snog you and everyone else wants to marry you.

Ah, that's much better! Maybe I'll meet Mr Right.

Maybe you will because now you are a gorgeous natural beauty.

-Yes, I am!

-Correct.

Here is your natural beauty data.

Taking your hair shorter creates more volume and soft waves add to the body and bounce of the hair.

Flatter an hourglass figure by wearing a dress with cap sleeves, a nipped-in waist and a full skirt.

-The dress is lovely.

-So, are you a natural beauty convert?

I think so.

No more stupid eyelashes, stupid hair and stupid nails?

I might be able to live without them!

Blimey! Does that mean POD has succeeded in this make-under?

-POD, you have succeeded in this make-under.

-Natural beauty has been restored.

-Thank you, POD.

-Goodbye.

-Bye!

-Hi, Mum.

-Look at it!

KATE GIGGLES

You look different! Let's have a twirl.

Oh, yes, very nice. You look beautiful.

-She looked really grown up and sophisticated.

-My nails.

We haven't seen those for years! Yeah, you look lovely, Kate. Really nice.

Wow, Kate looked great and so much better without those talons,

but will she say goodbye to them for good? We'll find out later.

Now, when it comes to beauty, us girls have got to stick together

so I took a hit for the team and tested this tip out, just for you.

Lovely, shiny new shoes means very slippy soles

and nobody wants to make an entrance by falling over on the dance floor.

Now, there's one way around this and it involves a cheese grater.

Now, we grate the soles of our shoes and it makes them all rough, so no embarrassing falls.

Just do the other one.

Much less slippy. I'm ready for a party!

Do you remember the gorgeous Chloe Mafia from earlier?

She was insisting she was never going to change her ways,

but POD turned her into a gorgeous, natural beauty. But has she kept it up, or has she gone back gangster?

Let's find out.

Chloe Mafia.

-Hello, are you all right?

-I'm fine.

What happened to the make-under?

It just went straight away, straight away, man.

Did you honestly look at yourself in the mirror and not see how gorgeous you looked?

No, man. I didn't look nice, man.

I don't know, it wasn't my style, man, it wasn't my style.

-So you just didn't feel like yourself, didn't feel confident?

-No, I just felt like,

"Who the hell's that?" It wasn't me!

What did Destiny think of her babe-under?

She felt it was all right. I thought it was all right. I liked the dress but not the leggings

but she still wears the dress at home, but she still has her hair up.

When you were in POD you seemed to really like the make-under, so, I mean, you've gone straight back.

Is there anything that you thought, "Yeah, I might keep?"

Do you know what it is? I liked how I first looked like clear, like, but...

just if I had more make-up on, but still looked clear.

I'm fighting a losing battle here, aren't I?

This is it, this is me, so just get used to it.

Well, in that case, I'm just going to have to admit defeat on this one.

Chloe Mafia,

you're staying the way you are. POD??

Next into POD was primary-school teacher Debbie, who certainly got POD all tongue-tied. Oooh!

-I am POD. Who are you?

-I am Debbie.

-Are you lost?

-I don't think so.

-Why are you here?

I heard you were fun to hang out with, so I just came for a chat.

-Well, that is very true, but you don't appear to be wearing very much slap.

-No.

POD computes you are very naturally pretty and very nicely dressed.

-Of course!

-What do you do for a living?

I'm a student teacher. I teach 10- to 11 year-olds.

POD educates people about natural beauty.

How lovely to meet a fellow teacher.

-I hope so!

-Well, it has been lovely chatting,

but since you have no fakery and are clearly a natural beauty, I must say farewell. Goodbye.

-Goodbye.

-Er, what is that on your wrist?

-It's a tattoo.

-What?

-How dare you conceal fakery from POD!

-It's not fakery, POD, it's enhancement.

Are you concealing any more enhancements?

Urm... Maybe a few other things.

I think it's time you revealed the real you.

So, Miss Sloane, we meet again.

-Hello.

-You can drop the innocent act with me.

Your cover has been blown, Miss Sloane.

OK.

Why in POD's name have you got a rat crawling up your drainpipe?

-Because rats are awesome.

-And is that a pair of tits on your arm?

Yes. Do you want to see my trick?

-I don't know, do I?

-Watch very carefully.

What in POD's name is that?

It's a silicone heart.

Of course it is!

Why have you got a plastic heart in your head?

-Because it looks awesome!

-Incorrect.

-Have you got any more fake bits?

-Yep.

-Now what?

-There's another heart.

How did that get there?

You cut with a scalpel and then you make a pocket round like this

and then you push the implant in and you stitch it shut.

POD has never seen anything like it.

-Oh, POD, you're such a prude!

-Oh, Debbie, you're such a fake!

-Harsh!

-But fair!

Please tell me that is it, there is no more fakery.

Um...

there's maybe one more thing.

If you feel faint, please let me know.

Pod does not like the sound of that.

Oh, my POD!

What have you done to your tongue?

-Just cut it in half.

-How?

-With a scalpel.

-Why?

Why not? Two tongues is obviously better than one.

What? POD does not understand. Why didn't it just seal back up again?

You have to pull it apart every day, morning, afternoon and night and stop it sealing over.

OK, OK, OK. You can stop now.

That's quite enough gore, thank you.

-It's not gore!

-Believe me, Debbie, it is!

-Where on earth do you go to get a heart put in your chest and a split cut in your tongue?

-Las Vegas.

Well, according to British medical opinion, tongue-splitting is a potentially dangerous procedure

which could lead to excessive bleeding, infection, severe injury and in extreme cases, even death.

-Great!

-In short, it is not to be recommended.

-What harm, wet pants?

-How dare you!

-I suggest you find a way to make it up to POD.

-I can make my tongue clap.

Right, that's it, you have pushed POD too far.

You don't need a make-under, you need a doctor! Now, POD off!

POD's mean!

Do you remember Kate from earlier on?

She's addicted to very long hair extensions and very long nails.

POD chopped them all off and made her a natural beauty,

but has she kept it, or has she gone back to her extreme length ways?

Let's meet her and find out. Hello.

-Hi!

-Now, the long hair is back.

It is.

-And the nails.

-They're back, too.

You seemed to really love the make-under so I'm surprised that you've gone back.

I loved the make-under, I loved it. And it's made me realise that I really had to do something about me.

It's going to take a while, but I think I'll do it.

-You'll get there?

-Yeah.

-You do glam modelling, don't you?

-Yeah.

-Do you think it goes with the territory - the hair, the nails?

If the glamour modelling doesn't work out, what do you want to do?

Since POD, I really have been thinking about going back to university.

Well, I think POD is going to be quite happy.

Meeting her has made you sort of sit down and re-evaluate your life.

-I think she'll be very happy with that.

-It's hard to change everything all at once.

I think I have to put it all back on, which I've done,

-and just do it slowly.

-Slowly, slowly, catch a monkey.

Or grizzly bear, ugh!

You've certainly still got it, POD... Chloe and Kate looked gorgeous.

Yes, I have, The Frost. Once a make-under marvel, always a make-under marvel.

And good to see you're as modest as ever!

-I have nothing to be modest about! I am PODDing brilliant!

-You'd better get some rest now, POD,

because next time you'll be meeting a girl fresh off the plane from Spain.

I don't care if I burn. As long as I look really brown, I'm not bothered.

Well, you'd best leave me to sleep, then, Frost.

Good night, POD. POD off!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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