Episode 5 Snog Marry Avoid?

-# I should be the face of every fashion magazine!

-Love it!

# Gonna feel that feeling Gonna lose control tonight! #

If the idea of no make-up fills you with horror

and you'd rather go without water than fake tan,

you're in for a shock, cos on this show we are a fake free zone.

So put away the slap and hide those hair extensions

because you, my friends, are about to get a lesson in natural beauty.

Welcome to the simply fabulous world of the make under.

-Hello, the PODmeister.

-Good day, Jenny Frost, and may I say you're looking quite lovely.

Why, thank you, POD, but why can't you be that nice to everybody you meet?

Because most of the people I meet are make-up crazed and fake obsessed.

I suppose you do have a point, especially when I know who's coming to see you today.

That sounds ominous, Frost.

Prepare yourself, POD, because today you will be taking on five fake fans.

Bring it on, Frost!

Coming up on tonight's show: POD meets a feisty northern girl...

-I like extensions to look like extensions.

-..Has a run-in with some Welsh men...

This is it, this is the look.

..and a lairy London lady.

My look is sexy.

So come on, then, let me at them.

First up is the lovely, bubbly Carolyn.

I'm Carolyn and I'm your tanorexic Scouse Rapunzel.

My outfits are always, always unique, quirky and glamorous,

but these clothes would not look anywhere near as good without my tan.

Instant self-esteem.

I can never looked dark enough. I look in the mirror and I'm never, ever dark enough. Nice, that, innit?

I like my make-up to be glamorous, very over-the-top, very unique.

Now it's the hair.

I like my hair extra thick, extra long. That's glamour.

It's more of a fashion, couture kind of look, you know, on the catwalk?

I like extensions to look like extensions.

You don't it to look real. You want to be a Barbie doll and they haven't got real hair!

When I walk into a bar, everyone turns and looks.

If you were to take POD out on a night out with me, you wouldn't get home until Tuesday.

I'd say Carolyn attracts scally lads.

What are you doing on TV? Can't you find a fella?

I do my look for me. I don't do it for other men, or other girls.

I'm being who I am, I'm being true to myself.

-Hello, gorgeous Carolyn.

-Hi.

Now, first things first, how brown are you?!

Probably you'd say too brown!

-POD would say too brown.

-Too brown.

-Talk me through this outfit.

-Love leopard print.

With the hot pants, the leg warmers, bit of dancewear, and the platforms. You've got to wear the platforms.

-What is the one thing that you could not live without?

-Tan.

Could you ever be too brown?

No-one can ever be too brown. You can never looked too healthy.

Right, Carolyn, I'll wish you good luck in POD.

Go in there for Liverpool, girl, and I'll see you on the other side.

I am POD.

-Who are you?

-My name's Carolyn.

-Why are you baring your bottom?

-Because it looks fabulous, that's why!

-It looks rude.

-It depends what angle you're looking from!

-No, Carolyn.

Whatever way you look at it, you have no pants and no shame.

-Well, that's your personal opinion, POD!

-Yes, it is. POD has found a style match.

Brassy northern blonde wearing lurid leopard-print - Carolyn, are you Bet Lynch?

No. I wear probably more expensive leopard-print than Bet Lynch wears.

Hmm, probably, but your skin is the colour of Betty's hotpot.

-That's called tan, darling.

-It's called grubby fake bake, darling.

-It might be fake, but it looks better than natural.

-Incorrect.

-What else is fake about you?

-Everything except my personality.

-Oh, dear. Which bits are fake?

-Well, that's for me to know and you to find out.

-Let me guess - boobs?

-Maybe.

-Hair?

-Yes.

-Bit of botox?

-Yes, POD.

-That is nothing to be proud of, Carolyn.

-I love it!

-What would you say if I showed you this?

-I would say I was pale.

Well, I would say you were once very naturally pretty.

Oh, a complement for once?!

-Things must be looking up.

-Well, from where I'm looking, the cracks are definitely beginning to show.

Why have you come to POD for a make under?

Sometimes I think I may give the wrong impression.

-It's hard to meet sincere people looking a certain way.

-What kind of men do you meet?

-The wrong kind.

-Then why do you dress the way you do?

I'm sure every single feminist would scream, "No, no, no!" looking at me,

but I like to be noticed.

Yes, POD doesn't believe women burned their bras in protest

so that you could parade around in your pants looking for attention.

Run phase one...

OK.

-Are you ready?

-Very much so.

I asked, "How old is this girl?"

Please tell me they didn't say 34!

Tell me what you think.

I'll say what they think.

-I think I look 24.

-Play.

I'd say probably 29 but spent too much time on the sunbeds, maybe 34.

34, too much tan. She looks like she might be from Essex.

34. I would have said higher if there was a higher option.

-They're just being...plain nasty!

-No-one thought you were 24.

Shut up! Shut up! Are you kidding me?!

No. A massive 60% cent think you look 34, 10 years older than you actually are.

-No.

-Yes.

I tell you what that is, they thought it was a trick question.

Incorrect.

I also asked, "Would you snog, marry or avoid this girl?"

-110% snog.

-Play.

I'd probably avoid her cos she's got loads of fake tan,

too much make-up and just looks a bit plastic.

I'd avoid her - she looks plastic.

Not into that, man. Just not into it. Wrong.

-OK.

-I also asked TV's Jeremy Edwards.

Would you like to know what he said?

-Go on, enlighten me.

-Play.

Yeah, I would definitely snog this girl,

just because I've always had this thing for Bet Lynch from Coronation Street,

with the leopard print and the barmaid bosoms.

-We'll see about that!

-Jeremy's liking for brassy barmaids

was not shared by the 90% of the public who wanted to avoid you.

-That's a lie.

-POD does not lie, Carolyn.

-How are you feeling about your public analysis?

-People in glass houses shouldn't throw bricks.

-I'm sure I'm more articulate and intelligent than they are, a million times over.

-Really?

-I'm the most intelligent person you've had.

-Your look is not articulating intelligence,

it is articulating a stupid sense of style.

-This is obviously a computer that doesn't know style, then.

-Incorrect. Are you ready for my verdict?

-Go on.

You are a big-boobed, bum-baring Bet Lynch.

It's high time this leopard changed her spots, so you need my...

There was a mouthful.

Choose a new hair colour - chestnut, auburn, chocolate brown, ebony.

-Chestnut.

-Choose a celebrity style -

-Kate Moss, Cameron Diaz, Kelly Brook, Blake Lively.

-Blake Lively.

Run phase two, deep cleanse, and you can start by removing that idiotic insect that's stuck to your face.

-All right, then.

-Yuck.

Now please put on your deep-cleanse uniform.

-You're just trying to make me look stupid.

-I'm trying to make you look better. Now get wiping.

-I'm going to look ridiculously pale.

-Just show me that wipe.

You grubby, grubby girl.

-How are you feeling?

-Horrible.

But are you ready to feel brilliant?

I am. I'm ready for my make under.

Good, then run phase three, the make under.

Oh, I love it. It's lovely.

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

How do you feel as a natural beauty?

-I feel like I have to act differently.

-Like a sophisticated lady?

Of course. I look prettier this way, because you can tell more... I've got more natural beauty.

-Correct. You said you wanted to meet a more sincere person.

-Yes, POD.

-Shall we see if that's possible now?

-Yes, go on, then.

-Play.

I'd definitely snog her, she looks like a fun, bubbly, lively person.

I'd snog her because she's very natural, pretty girl.

I would marry her -

she looks like a nice, sophisticated girl.

I think that's crazy!

-Now 50% of the people we asked wanted to snog you.

-Thank you.

-And the other 50% wanted to marry you.

-Thank you.

-Sounds like you'll definitely meet someone sincere now.

-Maybe.

Here is your natural beauty data.

Keep your foundation the colour of your skin

and use blusher to add warmth instead of fake tan.

Sheer fabrics are a good way of revealing what lies beneath for a subtly sexy look.

-Right.

-What do you think of natural beauty?

Natural beauty should be given more credit than I gave it beforehand.

-Even without the tan?

-Even without the tan. You've proved me wrong.

POD has succeeded in this make under.

You have exceeded yourself in many ways.

And you have exceeded yourself with your stunning natural beauty.

-Thank you, POD.

-Goodbye.

-Goodbye. Mwah!

-Carolyn, you look weird! Oh, my God! You look so different!

-I know, it's crazy, isn't it?

Give us a little twirl, then. Let's see it all. Ah, you look lovely.

I think you look cute. And sexy.

I feel I should be saying something intelligent.

Your figure looks gorgeous. She doesn't look like my friend, she looks different.

Like the way she holds herself.

Well done!

I thought Carolyn looked stunning, but will she really give up the tan?

We'll find out later.

While we're on the subject,

a few of you could also do with giving up the false tan, and a couple of other things, too.

The fake tan, the false lashes, fake nails, big hair, extensions, the lot.

Fake tan every day because it keeps a natural tan up and it looks brilliant.

Lots of lip gloss. Make your lips more beautiful.

Only get clip-on extensions when you're wearing hair extensions.

Otherwise they ruin your hair and you learn the hard way.

Next up, POD has her work cut out for her as she tries to give style tips to a bunch of rowdy lads from Wales.

This is what happens when the POD met the GLC.

Welcome to the world of the Goldie Lookin' Chain.

# Guns don't kill people Rappers do

# Summon the police Woo woo woo! #

-Yo, I'm Eggsy from GLC.

-Hello, my friends, I'm Rhys.

Yo, yo, yo, I'm Adam Hussein.

Yay!

Our music, a lot of people think it's some sort of gangster rap, but it's not.

-It's more kind of folk... folk rap.

-Folk orientated.

-Folk hop.

-Check it out!

-In Goldie Lookin' Chain, people think that we wear tracksuits, but we wear leisurewear.

Once you put leisurewear on, everybody else wants to get involved.

Leisurewear is like pyjamas,

but you can wear it to the pub.

Mix it up, put it on, if it works, brilliant.

If it doesn't work, sack it off.

I've gone for the fingerless leather glove look.

I feel like 58 quid and 75p, it's amazing.

This is it, this is the look.

This is all you need.

-Kick it!

-Come on, kids!

-Let's go.

-We're going out tonight to a very posh place called Cardiff.

# You've got to fight

# For your right

# To pa-a-arty! #

Our fans range from like young kids to old people to criminals...

-All types.

-You've got everything.

Goldie Lookin' Chain! GLC!

-Hello, boys.

-Hello.

-How's it going? You all right? You having a good time?

I'm having a lovely time in the pub with you. So talk me through the look of GLC.

75% polyester, something shiny, something you'll sweat in, sport-based, but never do sport.

That's it, that the vibe.

This here, you wear it like that, if it gets too sunny you can turn it around and wear it like that.

-Now, that is wicked!

-This is a look.

-What is one thing you couldn't live without?

-I wouldn't mind keeping my dignity.

-Considering I'm wearing a woman's wig...

-Your dignity's gone, I'm afraid.

That's fine with me, rocking the M-I-C.

-So how are you feeling about POD?

-Really excited.

-I like electricity and I like computers.

-It's like a cash machine

but it gives you clothes not money.

Right, Goldie Looking Chain, I'll wish you good luck in POD and I'll see you on the other side.

I am POD.

-Hello, POD.

-Hiya, POD.

-Who are you?

-We are Goldie Lookin' Chain's Rhys, Adam and Eggsy.

-Hello.

-Are you a boy band?

-Yes.

-No.

-No. Technically no.

-A man band.

-It's a man band.

-We are men in a man band.

-So do you play music in this man band?

-Yes.

-Well done, POD.

-We've got a song called Half Man, Half Machine, which you might like.

-POD, you'd be up for that.

-Do you mean this song?

# Eggsy's gone too far He thinks he's Robocop

# He's covered in tinfoil and he's got matching metal socks

# We tried to sedate him but he BLEEP... #

That's quite enough of that! POD does not approve of rude rapping.

Oh...

If you went to a disco, what type of music would you listen to?

POD does not go to discos, but personally I've always enjoyed

the work of those nice young men called Take That.

# Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me the song and I'll sing it

# You'll be right and understood

# Want you back Want you back

# I want you back for good... # Have you turned yourself off?!

I do apologise, I'm afraid I got a bit distracted there.

To be honest, I've had dreams like that.

I have had dreams where I look like Take That.

But you appear to have based your look on Jimmy Saville.

That's what's known as one hell of a look, POD.

-One hell of a bad look.

-Gutted.

In POD's name, why do you want to look like a pensioner in polyester?

Cos it's a look, POD. This is leisurewear, POD.

-Ultimate fashion.

-That's reversible as well.

-Don't want to go into it, but that is reversible.

-Yeah.

If only your ridiculous look was reversible - permanently reversible.

That's a matter of taste, isn't it?

It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice, POD.

POD is very important and very nice, and knows that somewhere underneath

those tacky tracksuits are three very handsome young men.

-Are you saying there's light at the end of the tunnel, POD?

-Yes, Eggsy, I am.

Oh, wicked. That's wicked.

Why have you come to POD for a make-under?

We want you to turn us into the suave sophisticates that you claim you can.

Oh, don't you worry, I will. But first I need to find out what the public think of your current look.

Go on, then.

-Run phase one, public analysis.

-Wooh!

Yes, POD!

I asked:

-Marry us, innit?

-Yeah, I'd say marry. Go on, press marry.

-Marry!

-Marry! Marry.

-Play.

-I would avoid them, because they look like chavs.

-Great.

I would definitely avoid those guys, they look scary to me.

Definitely avoid, they look the wrong type of people.

-Not doing too well then, POD.

-No, you're not.

-100% of the people we asked wanted to avoid you.

-Yay!

-There we go, eh?

-That's a shame.

-What emotion are you registering?

I think a lot of women initially are scared by us, but when they get to know us

-they realise that deep down at heart we are honest, nice, hard-working lads.

-Quite caring.

And I think some of us actually own cats.

Perhaps your look is not saying that you are caring, cat-loving members of a man band.

You've probably hit the nail on the head, there.

-Are you ready for my verdict?

-Yeah.

-Looking forward to it.

You are a bunch of silly, shellsuit-wearing wallies

just dying to break free of your Goldie Looking Chains.

So you will undergo my:

POD, can I kiss a woman if I change my clothes?

Anything is possible with POD.

Can you electrocute people, POD?

I can do all kinds of things, Adam. Are you ready for your make-under?

As long as I don't look like a geography teacher.

POD knows just the look for a naturally fabulous man band.

-Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-Let's do it, POD.

Then GLC, Take That!

# Cos I-I-I-I-I

# Need ti-i-i-i-ime... #

-Hi.

-Well, hello, boys!

-What do you think?

-Liking it, POD.

-You've done all right, there.

-Well done, POD.

-What do you think of each other's looks?

-You look nice.

-Thank you. You look lovely.

-Thanks.

You look like a farmer!

You do look like a farmer. But a good-looking farmer.

A good-looking farmer.

He's probably got 200 cows.

-400.

-400.

This, in farming terms, is 400 cows.

-That is the look of a man with 400 cows.

-400 cows.

POD is moo-ved by your handsome new looks.

Yay!

-What do you think the public will think?

-If I was judging me, I'd give me one.

Well, let's find out if anyone else would. Play.

I would marry them, because I think they look very clean-cut, they look

very lovely and I think my mum would be happy if I took them home.

-Nice, nice.

-I would snog, because they look...

They look like the kind of London boys I go for.

I'd snog them because they look like they have a lot of money.

-I've got £2.50.

-40 quid! Cash.

-I've got at least £2.50.

Well, hey, big spenders, add this up - 70% of the people we asked

-wanted to snog you, and everyone else wanted to marry you.

-Yay!

Here's how I achieved your new natural man band look.

Wear a t-shirt under a jacket for a smart but casual look,

and a new approach to leisurewear.

Team skinny trousers with a hat and a waistcoat

for a modern twist on a classic look.

So, will you rethink your leisurewear look?

There's always a place in my heart for leisurewear, but now there's room for...

-other clothing as well.

-Good. What do you think of natural beauty now?

-As important as personal hygiene.

-Yeah.

POD computes this make-under has been a complete success.

-Thank you, POD.

-Thanks, POD.

-Goodbye, boys.

-Thanks, POD.

-Safe.

Now, get your toothbrushes at the ready, guys,

cos I'm about to show you a top tip that has nothing to do with teeth.

Most people throw away their old toothbrushes. Not me.

I like to recycle - they're very handy in the beauty department.

Not only are they good for grooming eyebrows...

like this, they're also very good for exfoliating your lips.

You just get a lip balm,

put some on quite liberally...

and gently, softly exfoliate.

Well, that's worked a treat. No more dry skin.

Lovely soft, kissable lips, and it didn't cost a penny.

Mwah!

So, when we met Caroline, POD had a challenge on her hands

to turn the tan-obsessed blonde bombshell into a natural beauty.

Did she succeed? Yes, she did. But has she kept it?

I don't know. Here she is. Hello.

-Hi, Jenny.

-How are you?

-I'm fine.

Blonde!

-How long did you keep the make-under for?

-About five minutes.

-Do you like the look, though?

I liked the look, but I don't like the look on me.

-Although you will notice that my tan is lighter.

-Because of POD?

That is one of the reasons I toned down my tan slightly, and made my hair slightly darker.

So, what positives have you taken away?

The less-is-more kind of philosophy, which is still the tan, still the blonde hair,

slightly darker blonde hair and slightly lighter tan.

That sounds like a good compromise, Have you got a message for POD?

Unfortunately, you can't change my personality, so you can't take all the madness out of the girl.

Next to face POD is booty-shaking Sherika,

a girl who just loves her skimpy outfits. POD will be pleased.

My name is Sherika, and I'm a single girl living in south-west London.

I am from Jamaica. I am 25 years of age, and my look is sexy.

I definitely love outrageous wigs.

With a wig, I can be anyone I want to be. From Rihanna, Posh, Beyonce.

I love make-up. It's a girl's best friend. This is basically my fake beauty spot.

It makes me look much more gorgeous.

Sher can take forever to be ready, even just putting on a thong.

This outfit is so blingin'.

Get me sparkly, get me noticed in the dark.

The kind of person she is doesn't reflect on her clothes,

she is a friendly, bubbly, lovely person that cares about everyone.

A make-under will be good for her, so that she can see that she can look beautiful with clothes on.

There's nothing like a bit of glamour on a dull day.

Thank you very much. That is me, I love it.

Glamorous is my thing.

Can you talk me through this look today?

-Do you want to see it?

-I think I might have to.

I'll move my chair back.

OK. It is like this.

For once, the Frost is speechless, but one person who won't be speechless is POD.

I can't wait for POD to see my blingin' bum!

Right, sweetheart, I'm going to wish you and your blingin' bum good luck in POD.

I am POD. Who are you?

My name is Sherika.

Tell me, Sherika, have you been caught in a fishing net?

Not really. I'm a sexy lady. It's showing my sexy bum.

-It shows your bare bum.

-Yes.

What have you got sprouting out of your scalp?

My hair is, like, so gold.

-It is so fake.

-It is blingin'.

-It is minging.

-You are so rude.

-What do you think of natural beauty?

-I can't do natural. No.

Oh, but you can do a skimpy bit of string and layers of slap.

Yes, cos it gets me more attention and it makes me even more prettier.

-When was the last time you were a natural beauty, Sherika?

-16.

Yes, this 16-year-old is very naturally pretty, and very nicely dressed.

-I don't think so!

-Why not?

Because revealing, to me, is the thing, is what's in.

-Well, it's about to be out.

-Oh, no, you can't do that.

Oh yes I can. Why have you come to POD for a make-under?

So people can take me more seriously, and I can get, like, a nice bloke, probably a rich one.

-Like who?

-Usher.

Do you mean THIS Usher?

# You make me want to leave the one I'm with

# Start a new relationship wit' you

Sherika. SHERIKA!

Stop that bottom wiggling at once!

Perhaps you would have more luck attracting a man like Usher if you were a natural beauty.

Wow, that's my dream.

-Well, shall we see if we can make it a reality?

-Yes!

Run phase one, public analysis.

-I asked the public, would you snog, marry or avoid this girl?

-Avoid.

Play.

I would avoid her because she is just a bit too much.

-Avoid her, definitely.

-I'd avoid her, she looks way too tarty.

Oh, that's not nice.

I also asked Big Brother winner Brian Belo.

-Would you like to know what he said?

-Yes.

-Play.

-I would want to avoid Sherika, she's well scary looking.

She's just scary. Everything about her is scary.

He's the scary one, I am the sexy one!

Well, 85% of the people we asked agreed with him, and wanted to avoid you.

-Oh, no! No!

-Yes!

Yes! Are you ready for my verdict?

-I'm so ready.

-Sherika.

-Yes.

You are a flesh-flaunting fishnet nightmare, and it's time to "usher" in a whole new you,

so you will undergo my truly terrible to truly beautiful make-under.

Wow. I'd like to see that.

Then say goodbye to the old Sherika.

Bye!

No, wait, Sherika! Come back!

-I haven't done anything yet.

-Pardon?

Stay right where you are, and don't move a muscle.

-Are you ready?

-Yes. Good to go.

Run the make-under.

It looks amazing!

You look truly beautiful, Sherika.

I quite think so, as well.

What do you like the most?

I like the hair, the outfit.

It's so lovely.

-And so are you.

-Thank you.

What do you think the public will think of the new you?

-I think they will probably want to snog me.

-Shall we find out?

-Definitely.

-Play.

Snog. Very good-looking girl.

Attractive girl, looks after herself.

Definitely be worth a snog.

She looks like the kind of girl I could take home to my mother,

so yeah, I think marry.

Phew! That's quite gorgeous.

And so are you. 60% now want to snog you, and everyone else wanted to marry you.

-That's lovely news.

-Here's how I achieved your new, gorgeous look.

Using less product in your hair creates a more natural, softer curl,

which complements your pretty features.

A slashed shoulder dress is subtly suggestive,

and is an elegant style that leaves more to the imagination.

-I love that.

-POD could definitely see you on the arm of a man like Usher now.

-I'll have to keep this look, then.

-POD is glad to hear you say that, because you look lovely.

-Thank you, POD.

-Goodbye, Sherika.

Goodbye.

Oh, my God!

You look so sophisticated, oh, my God!

She is wearing clothes, I am so happy for her!

Guys will actually respect her now.

And she will probably get a date, which would be amazing.

-You have to keep this look, definitely.

-I will. I so will.

-Cheers. To the new Sherika.

-Thank you, POD.

Well, POD, I have to say I am humbled by your make-under genius.

Goldie Lookin' Chain were hardly recognisable.

Yes, that was rather good, wasn't it?

Yes, POD, it was, and Caroline and Sherika look stunning too.

-You're on fire today.

-That's very nice of you to say so, Frost.

But if you don't mind, I think I would like to get some rest now.

Aw, did that take it out of you today?

SNORES

POD?

POD? Sssh. POD off.

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