The Royal Special Snog Marry Avoid?

# Where are my pop stars?

# We are the hipsters... #

Welcome to the dark side.

# You know we're going to party like the rock star boys

# We're as good as they come... #

SHE SCREAMS

Here on Snog Marry Avoid?,

we're on a mission to restore natural beauty to our land.

Our kingdom is a fake-free zone, ruled with a rod of iron.

We will not stop until the slap has been slung and the fake tan finished.

Even the highest in the land will have to bow to our will.

Because in this programme, we've got a right royal line-up.

All hail the kings and queens of slap.

That's enough of that.

Greetings, Your Royal POD-ness, and if I may say so, you are in for a right royal treat today.

What are you going on about, Jenny Frost?

Merely that in today's show, we have a line-up that will impress even you.

You know it's very hard to impress the POD.

But we've got some absolute crown jewels today and each one of them has a royal title.

Everyone is equal under the gaze of MY purple lens.

Well, that's very good, POD, because some of these blue bloods might present quite a challenge.

Let me at them, Frost.

Coming up on tonight's show,

POD has a royal appointment with a king who loves his crown...

The faker the better, the bigger the better and the blonder the better.

..an impossible princess reveals the truth behind her regal lifestyle...

I'm a luxury very few can afford.

..and POD meets a real lady of leisure.

I would rather be locked in a tower than give up my glamorous lifestyle.

So, who's first in line to the throne of natural beauty?

That would be Princess Regan and all I'll say is

I would not like to get in front of this young lady in a queue.

Get on your knees and call me

your highness, I'm telling you now, I'm Manchester's finest.

Hi! I'm Barbie Princess, Regan Pia Carra.

I call myself a council estate princess.

Quick, they're filming this!

I realised that I was a princess from a very young age. Have you ever been on telly?

You just can't get the staff these days.

Being a princess is not an easy life.

You've got to get the look right, you've got to get the way you act right.

You're two-and-a-half hours late.

Don't start stressing me out!

You've got to get the princess strops down to a T.

I'm not waiting two hours to get me nails done,

cos I will kick off, royal!

I'd' rather go without sex for three weeks than without my eyelashes.

Even the Queen throws a few individuals on.

Yeah, I do think I'm pretty amazing, but, that doesn't mean that a girl can't dream.

One day I will have diamond rings and like an £80,000 necklace

around my neck.

-Just lovely, luxurious stuff.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's hard being a princess. I'm a luxury that very few can afford.

She doesn't need fakery,

she is definitely a natural beauty,

but it's nice for her to believe in that too.

I get a lot of attention from guys.

Guys look at me as if to say, "Wow, she's absolutely gorgeous."

# She can make a Saturday night

# Oh oh oh Get to the club... #

POD, whatever you think you've got for me, I'm ten paces ahead.

By the time I've finished with you, POD, you'll be collecting your P45.

Well, hello, beautiful Princess Regan.

-Where did the princess come from? I'm presuming you weren't born with the princess title?

-I don't know.

People used to say, "You're such a princess," and it's stuck. I love it.

I am a proper princess, I have princess strops.

So when you have a strop, do you do a big pout,

-because I'm thinking you don't need to push your lips out far.

-No.

-What have you done to your mouth?

I had fillers before, and the other day I had fillers again, so it's still swollen.

What is the worst outfit POD could put you in?

I could wear a bin bag and make it look like Prada. It don't really matter, I'll give it all me swagger.

I'm quite concerned about POD, actually, not you, but I know you're going to look stunning. Good luck.

# Rule Britannia

# Britannia rules... #

CLUNK!

I am POD, the Personal Overhaul Device. Who are you?

Barbie Princess Regan Pia Carra.

That's a very long title for someone that looks a total mess.

I don't look a total mess, you cheeky rat.

POD would like to know, what are you the princess of?

Fake stuff, pink stuff, pretty stuff.

If you were a real princess, what would be your first royal decree?

Everyone should have free spray-tans on the NHS!

POD predicts your kingdom would look very orange and very fake.

Yeah, cos then no-one will look pale and nasty.

On the subject of nasty, did somebody punch you in the mouth?

I've had me lips done, and it's still swollen, but when it's gone down, it'll just look well sexy.

Your pimped-up lips are registering in my memory bank.

POD has definitely seen them somewhere before.

MUSIC: "The Muppet Show Theme"

Well, I love my trout pout.

What does your look say about the type of princess that you are?

-That I'm a goer.

-Well, you're going to have to kiss a lot of these...

..before your Prince Charming turns up.

I don't like nice boys. I'm a "ride or die" kind of girl and I like bad boys. I love 'em.

Your taste in men is as bad as your taste in clothes.

I look nice, thank you very much!

I love my look and I've worked hard to look the way I look. Turn it in!

In that case, why have you come before POD for a makeunder?

I want to see what I look like without it all. I want natural self-confidence.

POD can help you with that, but first, I need to run Phase 1...

What sort of reaction do you normally get from the public?

That I'm hard work. I am hard work, though!

For once, POD agrees, but let's find out what your royal subjects think.

We asked them...

What do you think they said?

POD loves an optimist. Play.

I would avoid.

Definitely avoid her.

She's covered in fake tan.

-Great.

-I would avoid her, because she's got a lot of make-up on

and she looks like she's put some Dulux paint on her lips.

I wouldn't want to touch them anyway.

Of all of the people we asked, 30% said they'd snog you,

but don't pucker up yet, as 70% of the public wanted to avoid you.

But 30% said that they wanted to get near me,

so that's all right with me!

-Are you ready for my verdict?

-Yes.

-Princess Regan, you have reigned supreme

with your body-flaunting, lip-plumping, diva lifestyle.

You will undergo my...

-You've got your work cut out.

-You're not kidding. Ready for the next stage?

-All right.

-Run Phase 2...

Please put on your deep cleanse uniform.

Right, all right. Gosh, gobby you. Dead demanding!

It takes one to know one. Tuck away all that awful hair.

There's no way I'm putting that turban on!

POD will not run the makeunder until those rat tails are under wraps.

-No chance.

-POD does not know the meaning of the word "no".

Now, get wiping.

-I'm going to need more than this. Look at them.

-Why do you

insist on covering yourself up with that awful make-up?

-Cos I'm minging.

-You're not minging, you're blinging.

-Blingin' awful.

You are one tough nut to crack, but underneath that hard shell, I'm sure you have a soft centre.

-Sling it.

-Maybe not.

Ha! Run the makeunder in three, two, one...

Oh, I love it.

I really do love it, though!

I don't want to start crying.

-POD would like to know, are they tears of joy?

-Yeah!

I really do love it.

I just look dead pretty.

Affirmative. POD computes you look very pretty and very sophisticated.

I've never been called sophisticated before.

-You can see it, though, can't you?

-I can't spell it, but yeah.

Previously, 70% of the public wanted to avoid you.

Let's see if we can change that.

-Snog.

-Hmm, I'd probably snog her.

She seems like a happy, cheerful girl.

-I'd snog her.

-Take her out for a date,

and you never know where it goes from there.

In fact, of all the people we asked,

-90% wanted to either snog or marry you.

-Aw!

Here is your natural beauty data.

A short, layered cut is a great way to soften and flatter the face.

Use a fine sheen spray to add a natural shine.

A dewy primer on a light foundation is all you need for a natural, healthy glow.

Feel super-stylish and skim all your curves with soft tailoring, whilst a high-waisted city short

is a great way to balance out a top-heavy frame.

I look dead pretty till I open me trap.

-I love it.

-Goodbye, Your Majesty.

Bye, POD!

I'm just waiting for Regan.

I'm really excited about seeing her.

I wonder what she's going to look like!

REGAN LAUGHS

I love it!

You look so nice!

# I can change the world

# I can make it better... #

I think now I can see what everyone else has always said,

that I am dead pretty and I don't need all the fakeness.

I could go out with minimalist make-up on and still look really good.

It's so different to what she'd normally wear.

Sometimes less can definitely be more and I don't need all the eyelashes

and I don't need all the tat.

There's no cleavage, do you know what I mean, none of that.

I will always be a princess, my tiara would go lovely with this outfit.

Wow! Princess Regan looked absolutely stunning, but will she keep up her royal progress?

We'll find out later in the programme.

Now here in our kingdom of natural beauty, we have very strict rules,

and woe betide anyone who breaks them.

The style police are everywhere, so fake felons look out, because this is a bust!

I hate it when girls don't have bras fitted and have their nips out

or back fat out.

You see the big bra strap across the edge

with your back fat hanging over it, it's a no-go.

You don't want to walk into a room and see boobs everywhere.

It's not a comfortable thing to know a girl's nips.

God, your cleavage is good, but your nipples are not!

I have a vendetta against people who wear see-through bra straps,

cos you are wearing a bra, so don't pretend. Just wear one or don't.

Next up in line for the throne of fakery is King Scott Meadows,

whose lineage goes all the way back to Leigh in Lancashire.

Do I get a royal discount with these?

Hi, I'm King Scott.

I'm a hairdresser.

-Hello.

-I made the name "King" up.

It reflects my personality.

I'm the king of fakery. The king of the tan, the king of the hair.

# Any which way... #

Basically, the king of the world.

Glamming it up on a weekend, that's what it's all about.

# You better take me any which way you can... #

So usually, I come to the beauty salon the night before I go out.

-Straight on the bed.

-You've got to get your brows done.

The shape's really important to me.

It frames your face. They've got to look good. Perfect.

I've got to put my hair up now, out of the way, ready for the first coat of make-up.

I love my make-up. You can be spotty, you can be greasy,

you can be disgustingly ugly and you can hide it all with make-up so you look good on the pictures.

Then we don't need Photoshop.

If he didn't have fake tan on and he looked pale,

nobody would be staring at him in the street.

Who wants a natural look? I would say my best feature is definitely my hair.

I mean, look at it. The faker the better.

The bigger the better, obviously.

And the blonder the better. You've got to love it.

HE COUGHS

Sorry!

When I'm all done up, I feel sexual. I love it.

# There's a place downtown where the freaks all come around

# It's a hole in the wall... #

Listen, POD, my crown is my fakery and there ain't no way I'm going down without a fight!

-Hello, gorgeous!

-Hi!

-Now, first things first.

How do I address your royal subject?

-King Scott'll be fine.

-King Scott, all hail King Scott.

-Now talk me through this look, the hair is rather fabulous.

-It's all extensions.

-All of it?

-Yeah, well, apart from about an inch.

-SHE GASPS

-I can't... It's rock hard!

You've got to put loads of hairspray on so it stays big.

-So how are you going to feel when POD strips you of this fakery?

-Ugly.

-No! No!

-Yeah, no fake tan, pale, normal eyebrows, not big hair?

No. I'm going to give her some stick, definitely, I'm not going down without a fight.

I'm going to wish you good luck in POD now. I'll see you on the other side without your crown.

MUSIC: "God Save The Queen"

I am POD, the world's one and only Personal Overhaul Device.

-Who are you?

-Hi, POD. I'm King Scott Meadows.

What are you the king of?

I'm the king of fakery, POD.

Before you were crowned King of Fakery,

POD can see you were once a naturally-handsome young prince.

That picture is disgusting. I look disgusting there. This is

so much better, I look like I live on a Hawaiian beach.

Is that because you have a pineapple on your head?

-No, it's not a pineapple on my head!

-Is it a poodle, then?

-No, POD.

-Are you more King Cone than King Scott?

No, it's my hair.

POD computes a king should have a more regal crowning glory.

POD, that's very boring. You should come to my salon, I can do your hair for you.

I think I can fit that in... on the 32nd of the month!

-Do you really own a salon?

-I do, POD. Can you not tell?

POD is struggling to compute that anyone would trust you with a pair of scissors.

You're so cheeky, POD. I like this look. It looks nice.

Everyone loves me. I'm a style icon.

The bleach in your hair has clearly affected your brain.

Shall we find out what everyone really thinks?

-Bring it on.

-Consider it brought. Run Phase One...

I asked your royal subjects...

What do you think they said?

Snog.

-Play.

-I would avoid him at all costs

-and I just don't really know what to say.

-Well, that's rude.

I would definitely avoid, I think, just because he's too over the top.

Too much hair, too much attitude, I think, basically.

-No.

-He looks like a woman. His hair look a mess.

He maybe needs to go to the hairdresser's.

That's ridiculous, POD. I think you should go and do it again.

The results speak for themselves. 95% of the public spoke loud and clear

when they said they'd avoid you.

-Are you ready for my verdict?

-I'm ready, POD.

If you ARE a king, it would be William of Orange,

with your fake tan, bleached hair and caked-on make-up.

You're going to have my...

-What do you think about that?

-It sounds good.

Run phase two...

Please, put on your royal robe and cover up that awful hair.

-Do I have to?

-One does.

-It won't fit in, POD.

-Oh, yes, it will.

There you go, happy now?

Very. In keeping with the royal theme, off with that slap.

-Done.

-One can do better than that.

-I hate you, POD.

-Does that mean no OBE for P-O-D?

Yeah.

POD is beginning to see the birth of a rejuvenated and more natural king.

-Good for you.

-Are you ready for the new you?

Run the makeunder in three, two, one...

Oh, my God.

Well, what do you think of your fabulous new look?

Oh, my God. It's different.

-Where's my hair gone?

-POD computes that your head must feel

a lot lighter now that the poodle has been sent to the doghouse.

-Lighter, strange.

-You look more like Prince Charming

-than the king of fakery.

-Will you go on a date with me now, POD?

POD could never be involved in a royal affair. Imagine the scandal!

-OK.

-But let's see if there are any members of the public interested now.

-Thanks, POD.

-Based on your new look,

I asked the public if they would snog, marry or avoid you.

-What do you think they said?

-Snog.

-I'd snog him, cos he's got a lovely smile.

-No way!

I'd marry.

Marry. He looks a nice person. Nice clothes, nice cheerful face.

-Yay!

-I'd snog him.

He looks like a handsome chap.

Yeah, I'd snog him, defo.

In fact, of all of the people we asked,

-75% wanted to snog or marry you.

-No way.

-Yes, way.

Here's your..

A short, neat crop is the perfect way to accentuate fabulous features.

A belted, short mac will flatter a broader frame.

Choose indigo jeans rather than a lighter denim for a slimmer leg.

Is it safe to say that POD saved the king?

I like it, I think.

POD computes that you're a right royal knockout. Long may you reign.

-Thank you, POD.

-POD would like to say farewell to the king.

OK. Bye, POD.

The king has left the building.

I am very nervous about the way Scott's going to be looking.

I've only known him with his fake tan,

his massive hair, his outrageous clothes. It's going to be exciting

to see him in a different way.

She might have seen me looking rough in the morning,

but she's never seen me madeunder, so I think she'll be shocked.

Oh, my God!

-All right?

-Hello!

-All right?

-Yeah, all right?

-You look well nice.

-Do you like it?

-Yeah.

What do you think about my hair?

-I actually love it.

-Do you?

-Yeah, it really suits you.

Cos your eyes stand out loads.

-Really?

-Yeah. And your outfit is well trendy. Look at your shoes.

-I know, I like these shoes.

-I do. Cheers.

I was very shocked, obviously.

Cos I'm used to the dead big, bouffy hair, but I'm loving the new look.

I do like the look. I think that I do need to maybe

put the King Scott stamp on it a little more.

Like I say, a little more fake tan, bronzer, and hair

and then I'll be rocking.

-Here's to the new King Scott Meadows.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

I think King Scott was working that look, but how long will it reign?

We'll find out later.

You know how difficult it is for those royals, all that waving,

they have to keep their pinkies perfect.

So here's a top tip to keep your nail varnish good to the last drop.

There's nothing worse than when your favourite nail varnish

goes old and gloopy.

A good tip to bring it back to life and make it all new again

is to put a few drops of nail varnish remover in there.

A few drops in, pop the lid back on,

give it a good shake...

..and it should be as good as new.

-SHE GASPS

-Oh, not a gloop in sight!

Do you remember the gorgeous Princess Regan from earlier on?

Her outfits were a little bit too skimpy for POD's taste

and she made it into a stunning natural beauty.

And I mean, stunning.

But has she kept it up? Let's meet her and find out.

Hello!

You look beautiful.

-Oh, thank you!

-Take a seat, tell me about your makeunder.

-It's given me

so much more confidence. I don't need all the fakeness.

When I go out now, the make-up's completely toned down.

I just wear foundation and stuff, and that's it.

As well as the outfits and the make-up, you're like a different person.

Not being rude, but your attitude was bolshie beforehand.

-Yeah.

-It's like you've had a personality makeunder as well!

-Have you got a message for POD?

-Yes, POD.

I'm still a princess,

but you've made me a much prettier princess.

Well done, POD, you rock.

Now, POD's final royal appointment is a real lady

and I'm not talking about a Little Britain-type lady, either. Oh, no.

This one is the real thing,

a genuine blood-blooded, "let them eat cake" type!

Lady Victoria Hervey is a former It girl who likes showing her bits.

In fact, she's had more wardrobe malfunctions

than a flat-pack with a screw loose.

I first got noticed by the paparazzi,

I think it was probably late '90s.

Click, click, click, before I know it they get a picture

of half a nipple showing. And that made like all the newspapers.

So you could say her family motto became,

"Show your baps and you'll get papped." It's worked so far.

What will POD make of her ladyship?

This is one meeting I can't wait to see.

I wonder if she knows how to curtsy?

Lady V, that is.

# She's a lady Whoa, whoa, whoa, she's a lady... #

CLUNK!

I am POD, who are you?

Lady Victoria Frederica Isabella Hervey.

That's quite a mouthful.

What's your name again?

POD, the Personal Overhaul Device.

And my senses tell me there is definitely something in front of me

-that needs overhauling.

-Impossible.

Lady Victoria Hervey,

what kind of attention do you get dressing the way you do?

I attract magpies!

They're probably attracted to the glitter.

Are vultures attracted to your nest egg?

-Probably.

-Shall I find out if there's anyone out there

-who wants to lock lips with you?

-Yeah, let's see.

They're probably like, "Ah, she's a slut,

-"she's not wearing anything."

-Close!

Run phase one...

I asked the general public if they wanted to...

What do you think they said?

Let's just say snog.

How do I do that? I press that?

Well done. Play.

Snog her. She looks dirty fit,

but I wouldn't take her home to the parents.

Avoid, because she's got too much make-up on.

I don't wear that much make-up!

Yeah, I'd probably avoid her.

I'm definitely too good for her.

Too good for me?

The results of the poll indicated a very split nation

as 50% wanted to snog you and the other 50% wanted to avoid you.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Are you ready for POD's verdict?

Yeah, let's go.

With your plunging necklines and glittery tops, you look more like

a Vegas showgirl than a member of the aristocracy.

I'm going to give you my...

Well, I guess I do wear a lot of skimpy outfits.

No duh, lady V.

Run the makeunder, in three, two, one...

What do you think?

Yeah, I mean, I quite like the dress.

But, erm, it's OK. I just feel like a schoolteacher.

Previously, your old look saw 50% of the public wanting to snog you,

and the other 50% wanting to avoid you.

-Would you like to know what they said now?

-I don't care.

Let them eat cake, eh? Your manners could do with a bit of work.

-Sorry...public.

-Play.

-I'd snog her.

-I'd snog her because she's attractive.

A definite snog, because she's a beautiful, mature woman

and she has beautiful eyes.

Of all of the people we asked,

80% of the people wanted to snog or marry you.

You know, I would wear this like, for a beach party with sandals.

Don't let POD stop you.

-There's a train leaving for Skegness in half an hour.

-Let's go!

-You can buy the whelks!

-Bye.

Do you remember King Scott from earlier on in the show?

POD took away his extensions and his fakery crown

and made him into a natural beauty, but has he kept it up?

Let's find out.

So, young man, the extensions are back, the make-up is back.

-King Scott is back!

-HE LAUGHS

-How did you feel about your makeunder?

-I didn't like it.

-Not one iota?

-Not one bit, no.

My friends liked it, but I think they wanted me

to put my own style on it. Bit too plain for me.

POD took away your extensions.

How long did it take for them to go back in?

Cos my hair was cut short, I couldn't fit them in,

so I had to wear a hat for a week.

I didn't want anyone seeing my hair.

Wore the hat for a week, then they were back in.

So, the makeunder has just completely confirmed

that you are who you are and you are loving the fakery?

Definitely, 100%. Fakery rules.

I'm really sorry, POD,

but I think we're going have to admit defeat on this one.

-Have you got a message for her?

-Sorry, POD, looks like you lose.

POD, you certainly ruled your kingdom with a rod of iron today.

I bow to your superior skills.

It's all in the line of duty,

but when it comes to fakery, POD reigns supreme.

You certainly do, POD, although with Princess Regan,

I thought it was going to be a close call there.

Have more faith, Jenny Frost.

POD is not amused.

Sorry, POD, I do hope you will grant me a royal pardon.

POD will think about it. In the meantime, I think my lens

would look lovely with a royal crest and maybe a few jewels around it?

I think you've got delusions of grandeur, POD.

In fact, I think it's time for you to POD off!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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