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POD, you've got your work cut out!
I'm Ellie Taylor and, if you're a fan of fakery, then listen up.
Because Snog, Marry, Avoid? is on tour, and we're ready to do battle.
Snog, Marry, Avoid's Personal Overhaul Device, POD,
is back with a vengeance.
What is the fakest part of you?
POD is hitting the streets of fake Britain with a major interface lift
along with an attitude upgrade.
And, be warned, she's bitchier than ever!
POD computes you look orange.
-I look brown.
-I look brown.
Armed with new data, POD's natural beauty antennae
-have been twitching off the scale with alarming results.
From Manchester to Newcastle,
Liverpool to Cardiff,
each week, we'll cross examine the culprits
who've turned their backs on natural beauty.
-POD, please let us in?
In our first ever Snog, Marry, Avoid? national tour.
What's going on here? You've got your rollers in!
POD will also set me the challenge of personally sampling
the very worst local style disasters.
SHE LAUGHS WILDLY
I am Wonder Wag!
If you can't beat them, I suppose we have to join them.
This week, POD and the roadshow have moved to the south-east.
And a county famous for white stilettos, fake tan,
and Jodie Marsh.
We're in Essex!
-Hello, Ellie, come in.
Hello, POD. We're in Essex, land of my birth.
Ellie, POD computes some Essex girls are so orange
they count as one of my five-a-day. Have you ever had a fake tan?
I had one once where you had to stand in a booth,
wear paper knickers and do that, and then gets sprayed.
-It wasn't pretty.
-It doesn't sound very glamorous.
In fact, it brings me on to your mission for today.
You need to find out why the locals believe fake tan puts the "sex" into Essex.
-Do I need to get my David Dickenson on?
-I'd rather you didn't.
But POD's sure you'll go to any length to complete your mission.
A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
A wig-wearing DJ
who's after some natural beauty "decks" appeal.
I think I look like a bit of a jumble sale.
I try to blend in with the locals, with an orange Essex facial.
That is a true Essex glow, honey.
Oh, my God, OMG.
And, POD meets a bleached blonde pole dancer whose mum's in despair.
Look at what she's wearing today. It's just ridiculous, isn't it?
Whether they're vajazzling or pajazzling, or just bedazzling,
Essex girls and guys certainly know how to catch your eye.
Which means they won't be able to slip under POD's radar.
Essex was once all stonewashed denims and white stilettos.
But now, the trendsetters are sticking jewels on their Southend.
Welcome to the home of the vajazzle.
I'm here to do a vajazzle on my friend.
I'm going to show you step-by-step how to do it.
This sounds fascinating. Off you go, then.
I've never had one myself. But, if it makes them happy,
and it's better than it being untidy down there.
What about if the girl had a vajazzle done especially for you,
maybe with your name, or just your face?
-A bit creepy, really.
-To look down there,
-and there's a glittery version of your face?
What's it like, having fakery glued to your lady area?
It's like a Christmas tree. If you only get it out a few hours a year,
-why not decorate it, innit?
-Have you ever experienced a man with a pajazzle?
-No, I haven't no.
What would you do if you came face to face, so to speak?
Then I'd be a little bit concerned if he should actually be with me anyway, to be honest.
It's for girls, not for boys.
Pajazzle, you couldn't pay me enough money to have one, no way.
I'm going to tell my husband about this!
It's a bit of a waste of time. Who sees that?
You say why? We say, why not?
Hi, POD. I've just done a vajazzle on this gentleman.
And he's got an arrow pointing down to his little bits.
First up is a girl who's in a long-term relationship with fakery.
But will an intervention by POD lead to a much-needed break-up?
Hi, I'm Kelly, I'm 21.
Pretty much everything is fake. Like, my hair's fake.
The lashes. The nails.
Nothing's really natural any more.
My clothes and my outfits,
I'd say they're different, they're definitely unique.
I like my boobs out. Like a bit of bum showing. Legs.
Living with Kelly is a nightmare. But I've seen so much of it,
it doesn't matter what she comes down in now, it won't shock me.
Look at those shoes!
I like it.
Look at what she's wearing today.
It's ridiculous, isn't it?
Ooh! That door.
She just looks absolutely hideous.
I think she hides behind the make-up a lot.
To be honest with you, I've not seen the real Kelly for a long, long time.
On a night out, I am absolutely wild. I really let my hair down.
I'm always normally first on the dancefloor.
I love to pole dance when I'm out.
If there is a pole, that's it, I'm there.
I think she wears way too much make-up.
She needs to tone it down with the tan. The cleavage, the bum.
You've got to have one thing out, not everything out.
POD, I need to lose the fakery. So people can see the real Kelly.
Can you please help me? I just don't know what to do!
Now, Kelly doesn't seem like she's a big fan of clothes,
which is a shame, because I've got a fleece that would fit her perfectly!
Anyway, let's go and have a chat.
-Hello, Kelly, are you all right?
-I'm good, thank you.
-You haven't got many clothes on?
I like how you've got the long socks going up to keep you warm.
But then you've missed this portion of your outfit.
-I do like a bit of flesh out.
-You have got quite a bit.
Talk me through your fakery routine.
I have a sunbed for 12 minutes, that's how I get my tan.
That's proper baked, man!
Then, with make-up, it's foundation, powder, bronzer.
Three different eye shadows that I use.
And then, pencil eyeliner. Liquid eyeliner.
Mascara. Eyebrow pencil. Lip liner.
-VOICE FADES OUT:
-'Hmm, chip-shop tea tonight.
'Battered cod or a saveloy?
'Battered cod or a saveloy? Or maybe a pickle. No, no.
'Nice, meaty saveloy, every time.'
Doubled-up eyelashes, not single ones, short ones,
it's got to be really long and thick.
So why wide you want to come and see POD, then?
So people can take me more seriously.
I want more people to think, "She looks very professional."
Instead of, "She looks tacky," all that sort of thing.
It doesn't sound like there's any time to waste.
-I'm really excited.
I am POD, the Personal Overhaul Device.
Who are you?
-I am Kelly.
Why are you dressed like a ballerina stripper?
-I'm not dressed like a ballerina stripper!
What are you dressed like, then?
I'd describe it as, sort of, like Barbie/Essex/princess.
-There's a lot of slashing going on.
Not a lot of style. KELLY GIGGLES
Why have you come to POD for a make-under?
I want to prove to people that I'm not just a typical blonde.
Well, you're not a natural blonde. So are you a dumb blonde?
No! I'm not a dumb blonde, POD, I think I'm quite intelligent.
-Prove it, tell me something interesting.
To put eyelashes on.
Let's just move on, Kelly. Should we find out what the general public think of your look?
-Run phase one.
Kelly, I asked the general public if they would snog, marry or avoid you.
What do you think they said?
I think they said "snog", POD.
I'd avoid, plainly just because she's a bit too common,
a bit too fake.
I don't think I'm common at all, POD!
I'd probably avoid, because she's got too much make-up on.
She's not really my type.
Why? How can I not be someone's type? I don't understand.
I would snog this girl because she looks easy,
and I think, on a night out, she would definitely be game for a snog
and probably something else.
I can't believe that, that's such an insult.
20% do want to snog you.
But, a staggering 80% of the public
wanted to get as far away from you as possible.
POD computes your look is a tangerine peroxide problem.
And, you need my...
I like the sound of that, POD.
Run phase two.
Remove all of your fakery.
Now, it is time for you to take off those ridiculously high stilts.
Look, see how short I am now, POD.
I'm very tiny!
-Hold them up nice and high.
Now you look like a little oompa-loompa.
-Shall I chuck them away?
Kelly, watch my hard drive.
-Are you prepared for me to be bald, POD?
-Just get on with it!
Hold them up.
It looks like you've skinned an Afghan hound. KELLY GIGGLES
Come on, get scrubbing.
Do I have to take the eyebrows off as well, POD?
ALL your make-up.
Oh, no. My eyebrows are going to disappear. Going to look like I haven't got any.
Hold up that pad.
And that's not all of it, yet! Look at that one!
Oh, dear! Run the make-under. In three, two, one.
Oh, dear! I look like an old lady.
No, you look like a young beauty.
I like the shoes, and I like the tights.
And I don't mind the top and shorts, really. Yeah.
Now, the big question.
Do you think you're more likely to get a job with this look, or your old one?
-I'd be taken more seriously looking like this.
Because obviously I've got more clothes on.
And my hair's not so bright and in your face.
POD computes you do in fact look extremely pretty.
Earlier, 80% of the public wanted to avoid you.
Do you think they now want to snog, marry or avoid you?
I think they said "snog", POD.
-I'd snog her, because she's quite attractive.
-Hurray. That's nice.
I'd give her a little kissy, and see if it leads to a snog.
I'd marry her, because she looks pretty sophisticated,
and she looks really nice.
Aw, that's much better than the other ones, POD.
A whopping 90% of the public now want to snog you.
Ah, that's nice.
And the other 10% want to marry you.
-Ah, so no "avoids" then, POD?
-None at all.
POD computes it's been ever so much fun talking to you, Kelly.
Oh, thank you, you too, POD.
I'm just outside Katie's house. And we're going to go in
-to see my mum and Kate. But I'm very nervous.
-I just want the old Kelly back.
-The old Kelly.
Really something natural.
-We're really excited and we can't wait.
-Oh, my God?
-Oh, my God, I love it, I love it.
-Let me look at your hair. Turn round.
-It looks beautiful.
-Oh, it is absolutely gorgeous, Kelly.
I hope she realises that she doesn't need all the make-up
to look like, beautiful, because she is a beautiful girl.
Love the hair. You've just got volume to it now,
and I love the clothes she's wearing, that she's actually wearing clothes.
I really liked it.
So it's cheered me up, made me feel more confident.
-Hug it out!
-Oh. I've got my Kelly back again. Lovely.
I think people will take her more seriously
because she looks more sophisticated, which is lovely.
-Yeah, Kelly's back.
It seems that Essex girls love faking it.
Well, I've never faked anything in my life.
Well, there was this one time, but I don't think the bloke noticed.
Anyway, I want to see if the future's bright when the future's orange.
Well, that's what will happen if you sunbathe with a long-sleeved top on!
I've had an Essex facial.
So long as the locals don't notice my pasty white legs,
I'm going to blend right in.
That is a true Essex glow, honey. You've got the true Essex glow.
-Do you think so, honey?
-Yeah, I do.
-Oh my God, OMG.
Do you think my face looks very orange?
Considering we're in Chelmsford, not really.
There's some people laughing at me over there.
It's never a good look when people are laughing at you.
What do you make of this face?
Mm. It's slightly orange.
-Do you not think it's a little bit over the top?
-No. Not at all.
Do you think we should be proud to be the orange county?
-Yes. I do. Orange and proud.
-Do you think I'm the same colour as this?
It's a good fake tan, but it's definitely not orange.
-Do you think I need a bit more?
-No, not a pretty girl like yourself.
Now, the worrying thing about this tan
is that pretty much everyone I asked has really like it.
Although I'm pretty sure there's going to be one person who won't.
-Alert, alert! Get in here now!
-What on Earth has happened to your face, Ellie?
-Are you not liking it then?
-It looks radioactive.
It looks like I've been sunbathing with some kind of long-sleeved coat on.
I don't want to hear about your white bits.
Are the streets of Essex full of orange girls?
I've seen a few.
Quite a few of the girls who I asked what they thought of my tan, and liked it, were quite...
this colour. So, yeah, I think I could blend in reasonably well.
POD computes your face is a disgrace.
Ellie computes the same, POD.
Go and wash that off immediately.
Next up is a DJ whose obsession with fakery is sure to put POD into a spin.
Hi, everybody, I'm Bam Bo Tang.
I'm a DJ from London. And welcome to my crazy world.
I have been DJing for 10 years, all over the country and the world.
I think every girl likes to dress up when they go out.
So, this is kind of an accessory to my music.
It's a horrendously good excuse to dress however you like,
and get away with it, basically.
My style is a bit different to everyone else's
I certainly stand out.
I can't really help it, it's kind of me.
The things which make me look different is obviously my hair.
And I'm very big on big necklaces and chains.
I've always been a bit different.
It started off a lot smaller scale.
Now, it's just, kind of, snowballed.
Every part of my body's now decorated.
I look like a bit of a jumble sale.
Times change, because I've reached a new era in my life and I'm married now.
I'd mostly like to change the huge hair.
I hope that POD will look at Lucy
and bring out a natural essence, really.
I think she can look great, just in a tracksuit,
and just her hair down, chilling, more than anything else.
Without the accessories, without the madness, without the big glasses.
Hi, POD, Bam here. I'm really looking forward to my make-under.
It's a new point in my life, so just do it, girl!
Well, Bam Bo certainly knows how to spin a tune.
I wonder if she's got that one that goes...
SHE HUMS THE BIRDIE SONG
No, probably not!
-Well, you look a little bit bonkers.
-Thanks very much.
-What is going on?
-My best outfit for POD.
I think she's going to hate it, so you've done quite a good job.
What's on your head?
I've got a Mohican on my head.
I thought, if I'm going to take on POD, I need to be a bit of a tribal warrior and take her on.
-Do you always wear that?
-No, because it doesn't fit in the car!
So, unless I go in sideways, like that...
What are your reasons for coming to see POD, then?
I would love for POD to do me a fantastic make-under,
and for David to see me all gorgeous,
and for his eyeballs to fall out of his head with happiness, basically.
-So, you're just married?
-And you're kind of thinking of having kids?
Definitely. I'd love that so much.
What would they make, like, if you had kids, and you dressed like this?
I don't know. I think, if my mum dressed like this, I'd be definitely embarrassed.
I know you're at a crossroads in your life.
I've got a quiz for you, to work out whether you want
to stick with the DJing, or maybe become a bit of an Earth mother.
There's two choices.
Bottle of Champers, bottle of breast milk?
Oh, my God, that's so rank. Definitely champagne!
Don't call breast milk "rank".
Drop a beat, or drop the kids off?
-Drop the kids off with the beats in the car, yeah.
OK, and the last one.
Cracking tune, or cracked nipples?
From my quiz, and it's quite scientific,
I think maybe you're not quite ready to be a mum just yet.
Maybe work on the remix of the Wheels On The Bus, and then you go for it, love.
All the very best of luck, then, Bam Bo. And POD awaits.
I'm really excited, I can't wait to see what she's going to do.
BAM SQUEALS I am Pod. The Personal Overhaul Device. Who are you?
I am Bam Bo Tang.
-Are you a hippy?
-No, I'm definitely not a hippy. I'm far too noisy to be a hippy.
You don't spend your time trekking around Asia doing drumming circles
-and telling people you're on a "gap yah"?
Why do you have dreadlocks?
I have dreadlocks because I think it looks cool.
-Bam Bo Tang.
-A fake name, POD does not compute.
-What are you really called?
My real name is Lucy.
-Lucy? That's a lovely name.
-Do you think so, POD? Thank you very much.
POD computes you look a bit like a dreadlocked, crusty cockatoo.
You're just a crusty old toaster.
But I'm not the one with a dead chicken my head. POD CLUCKS
-It's not a dead chicken!
Do you apply your make-up by repeatedly head-butting your make-up case?
No, I do not.
Do you know what? I've actually spent ages getting ready for you today,
so I think you're being really nasty.
What do you think your look says about you to the general public?
I think it says that I'm a fun-loving person, that I'm confident
and that I'm extra shiny and I need to be looked at.
Shall we find out?
Run phase one.
I asked the general public if they would snog, marry or avoid this girl.
What do you think they said?
I think they said snog.
I'd have to avoid, probably cos she's got dreadlocks.
Oh, my God, dreadlocks, argh!
-It's not that bad, is it, really?
-No, it's not, POD.
-I'd probably snog her cos I'm a bit desperate, so...
Oh, God. Oh God. That's not good, is it?
I'd avoid because of the hair, the nails,
I don't like the colour of the hair and the eyebrows are quite large.
Oh, well, they don't like anything, do they?
In fact, 10% of the public do want to snog you.
Unfortunately, the other 90% want to get as far away from you as possible.
You're lying. 90%?
POD computes you are a dreadfully dreaded fake freak.
And, you need my...
-Are you ready for the next stage?
-OK, come on, then.
Run phase two.
Remove all of your fakery.
I can't believe you're doing this to me, this is horrible.
That really hurt. See, I'm actually suffering pain for you.
-Put on your deep cleanse uniform.
It's like an old lady's been sitting in it.
Get rid of that poultry headwear.
I really don't want to.
Bam Bo! Ding dong. You're looking beautiful.
What is this?
It's going on your head.
You're testing our friendship, POD, big-time.
Scrub that fakery off your face.
I don't think it wants to come off, you know.
-All of it.
-God, it look so eurgh.
-Hold up those wipes.
-Let me see them.
Run the make-under in... Three, two, one.
Oh, my God! Wow, that's different.
It's really cute.
-What do you think?
-Yes, I quite like this.
I look like such a lady, I look very respectable, don't I?
You are now Lucy the lady.
Wait, let me perfect my wave.
-BOTH IN A POSH VOICE: Oh, hello!
Previously, 90% of the public wanted to avoid Bam Bo Tang.
Do you think they now want to snog, marry or avoid Lady Lucy?
I think they said, er...snog.
-I'd snog her, because she's very attractive.
Very attractive? OK. Thank you very much.
-I'd snog her because she has really pretty eyes.
You can actually see them now, I suppose.
-Yes, it's quite nice to see your eyes.
This girl is not to snog, this girl is to marry.
Oh! Lovely. That's my favourite one, I think.
-70% of the public do indeed want to snog you.
-Wow, that's a lot.
The other 30% want to marry you, that's an impressive result, Lady Lucy.
-I could get used to this.
-I hope you do.
-Bye, POD, thank you.
I am really excited to see my lovely husband David now and show him the new me.
Definitely excited about seeing the way she looks.
I'm used to crazy hair and stuff.
I hope, I just hope they did something nice and elegant with her.
-Oh, my God! Look at that!
Wow, baby, you look amazing.
'He looked very happy, didn't he? I think he likes it.'
Thumbs up. Win, win.
-Yeah, you look fantastic, baby. Honestly, really, really great.
Lucy's new look is absolutely amazing. It is classy.
It's quite reserved, but not too much, because the legs are out.
I feel very, very grown up. But I feel a bit stifled.
So don't know how I'm going to DJ in it.
In all fairness, if you can DJ with a chain full of burgers
-and ice creams and whistles, I'm sure you can DJ in a blazer.
Thank you very much for having me.
I love my new look, you've done a fantastic job.
So don't get too much of a big head, please!
-Cheers, POD, thank you very much.
-Thank you, POD, Cheers.
Earlier, we met Kelly, who had lots of blonde hair and a corset
and not much else.
After she's had her run-in with POD, how she kept her more grown-up look?
Yes, you have, because you've got a suit jacket on!
You're a professional now.
I've been like this, you know, I think it does look a lot better.
If I do get job interviews and things like that, if I turn up looking like this,
they're more likely to take me a lot more seriously
than look at me I think, "Oh, dear, what have we got here?" kind of thing.
How did everyone receive this new look?
Friends came up to me and said, "Oh, my gosh, you look much better.
"You look more classy. And it suits you so much having short hair."
In a way, it made me think,
they're giving me loads of compliments now, what did they think of me before?
Do you have a final message for POD, then?
Just, thank you, POD, for doing the make-under,
it's given me a lot more confidence,
and I wouldn't have had it without you.
POD is out to convince British guys and gals to sling the slap
and finish with fake tan.
And it's going to be tough in a place called...
What else do you think about, apart from fakery?
Nothing, really, POD!
-Hi, POD. Let us Essex girls in!
We are typical Essex girls because...
We are fun. Sexy. Outrageous.
Don't you mean you're trashy, tacky and have no taste?
-Hello, come in.
Take those off.
Now POD understands why you're wearing sunglasses.
-Could you do POD a favour?
Could you lift your hands to your face?
POD computes you are natural beauties.
Apart from the bleached blonde one in the middle. THEY LAUGH
Thanks! That's natural!
Earlier, we met Bam Bo Tang,
who went from a dreaded Mohawk
feathery kind of weird lady
to an absolutely beautiful screen siren.
But, has she kept her look?
-I'm so delighted to say that you have.
-You look phenomenal.
Honestly, the hair is like you've stepped out of some Hollywood salon.
-The hair's lovely.
-What did you make of all the clothes, then?
-Yeah, I liked the clothes,
but they're not, they're completely the opposite of me.
I thought they were a little bit too Kate Middleton.
So, yeah, the bling is back a little bit.
I think you would make a fantastic mother at the school gates now.
-I know. Would you be proud of me?
-I totally would.
Do you have a final message for POD?
POD, thank you very much for making me look like royalty and such a lady.
Erm, the clothes are not going to get binned yet.
So, sorry about that, but all in all I think you're probably OK with it.
-Ah, there you are, Ellie. Come in.
Hiya, POD. I think we have well and truly done Essex.
POD's just pleased you've done away with the orange radioactive glow you had earlier.
I got through about 20 face wipes, honestly. It was disgusting.
Would you say the residents of Essex need to lighten up?
Overall, yes. Tanning does seem to be quite important to them.
Silicon, peroxide and streaky tans do not compute. Get back out there, Ellie.
-Afraid not, I'm going out with Tracey and Stacey, we're going down Baz Vegas.
Then I've got to go and polish my white stilettos. Soz. You can pod off, babes.
Subtitled by Red Bee Media Ltd
Britain's fakest fashion fiascos now have nowhere to hide as a new, upgraded POD and host Ellie Taylor tour Britain on their natural beauty makeunder mission.
POD lands in Essex. Ellie tries out the Essex ultra tan and POD goes into overdrive with two mega makeunders. Kelly is a pole-dancing bimbo blonde who wants to prove she's not an airhead. She is followed into POD by DJ Bam Bo Tang, who has taken peacocking to the extreme with a chicken feather hairstyle. Can POD turn them both back into natural beauties?