The Pageant 2012 Snog Marry Avoid?

On every high street, inside every nightclub

and in the confines of every suburban home...

..the great fakes of Britain are taking over.

But there's a war raging,

because determined to stamp out this hideous trend is...

..POD.

POD computes you're all natural beauties.

-Oh, thanks.

-Thank you.

Even though there's a touch too much peroxide in the middle.

THEY LAUGH

Thanks(!) That's natural!

And now it's the climax to a year's work as POD invites back

six of her most extreme transformations to take part

in the ultimate face off between fake and natural -

the Snog Marry Avoid beauty pageant.

APPLAUSE

But this is no ordinary pageant.

As each POD-ette hits the catwalk, we'll discover

if they've kept their natural look or they've fallen back into fakery.

Will fake or natural conquer all?

It's up to our audience to decide who will take home the title

-of Mr or Miss Snog Marry Avoid 2012.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hiya, POD.

What in POD's name are you wearing?

Well, in honour of our road trip earlier this year,

I thought I'd try on as many looks as possible so I've got

the scary Essex tan, the big Geordie blow-dry, the Scouse brows,

the weird Cardiff nails, ready to present your pageant.

You look a total disaster.

Er, what is that?

Er, I'm Ellie Taylor, fighting for fakes all over Britain.

You look like a drag queen, love.

Well, you look like a scaly librarian.

Well, whatever. You can't stay here.

I'm about to host POD's first ever beauty pageant.

I thought I was doing that!

Oh, well, er, it's a bit awkward isn't it?

Only one of you can present my pageant

and POD would prefer natural Ellie - she's not so offensive on my lens.

Why do you two get to decide?

I think the people of Britain should have a say in what

they prefer - natural or fake?

Looks like I've got a fight on my hands.

As far as I'm concerned, there's only one person for the job - moi.

We're doing the first ever Snog Marry Avoid beauty pageant.

Who do you think should host it - me or fake Ellie?

-Hands down, you.

-Hands down, easy, easy.

High fives for me, hands down. Yeah!

In a war against fake versus natural beauty - who wins?

Natural beauty all day.

What do you prefer in a woman?

Natural, it's got to be natural.

I've worked on this, I've put in work into this.

THEY LAUGH

You're either beautiful, or you're not.

I don't think faking it makes up...

-That's quite deep.

-That is pretty deep.

I would say get my best side but, let's be honest,

they're BOTH amazing.

Ooh, even he agrees.

I think it's a bit intimidating.

I mean, it's a bit too much and a bit over the top.

-Scary.

-Yeah, I find it a bit scary.

Do you like my hair?

I just want to get a baby wipe and give you a POD makeover meself!

You look like you've got a bit too much make-up on,

especially on your eyes.

I'm very disappointed to say that the very boring people

of Great Britain seem to like natural beauty.

God knows why, because I look amazing!

Ellies, you're back. Tell me about your findings.

Natural beauty reigns supreme - I win.

All right, no need to be smug.

Oh, what's...? I've got a call from the Antiques Roadshow for you.

Apparently there's a 17th century wardrobe

who wants its varnish back from your face, so you can POD off!

Blimey, she was annoying!

Welcome to my world.

Let's get this pageant started.

POD has landed in an undisclosed location

and sent out a battle cry to citizens of planet Earth.

But even they aren't safe from POD's bitchy put downs.

-Hi, POD.

-Hi, POD.

Why have you come dressed to my pageant as a mint humbug?

-I like this!

-Well, someone has to.

In the battle between fakery and real beauty,

where do you both stand?

I'm natural, she's fake.

Hi, POD.

What an interesting ensemble. What would YOU call it?

I don't know, it's just a look that I like.

And what's it themed on?

It's just my individuality.

So you see yourself as a Grecian goddess do you?

-I'd like to think so, yes.

-Incorrect.

-Hi, POD.

-Hi, POD.

Are you wearing those bright red shoes to match the red-headed man?

-We love his ginger hair.

-Is he your accessory?

-Definitely.

-Have you anything to say about your girlfriend?

She's my fiancee.

POD computes you're marrying someone who is very high-maintenance.

-Oh yeah, definitely.

-POD!

Hi, POD.

-How much of that hair is your own?

-Not a lot of it.

Where did you buy it?

Got if off a friend.

Second-hand hair? Disgusting!

I'm the real Ellie Taylor

and this is the first ever Snog Marry Avoid pageant.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

POD has pre-selected six of her favourite fake fashionistas

who she transformed into natural beauties

and she's invited them back to show off their latest look.

-Oh, my god!

-SHE LAUGHS

Have they surrendered their slap

or will they have gone back to their fake-loving ways?

Each of our previous POD-ettes will strut their stuff on the catwalk

but only one of them can win the coveted title

of Miss or Mr Snog Marry Avoid 2012.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A specially invited audience including friends and family

will vote for their winner.

But which look will they go for - fake or natural?

CHEERING

And, of course, Snog Marry Avoid? wouldn't be complete

without our very own digital disciplinarian - POD.

Ellie, you looked a real beauty on my catwalk.

-Are you excited about the pageant?

-Affirmative.

Who's up first then?

We're spoilt for choice, Ellie.

My memory banks have almost reached full capacity with

the amount of fakes that have paraded through POD's universe.

Hmm... How about a tan-orexic mum who likes to keep her fakery regimes

strictly in the family?

-Ha, that has to be Miss Lottie Lou.

-Correct.

Loading her data file.

Hi, I'm Lottie Lou, I'm 25, and I'm from Essex.

Love my boobs - they're my best asset.

SHE LAUGHS

Worth every single penny and I don't regret it.

These are my two amazingly beautiful daughters - Paris and Sky.

I do my mum's spray tan.

-Best spray-tanner in Essex, aren't you?

-Yeah.

I have two tans a week, which I have to do on Monday and Thursdays

so you get the whole week going on.

Good tan, Paris.

She looks like an Oompa-Loompa!

Please, POD, can you make my mum not be orange no more?

POD computes you are definitely more plastic than fantastic.

Are you a stripper?

-A stripper?

-Yes.

-No!

-You've certainly come dressed like one.

I think I'm doing more of the Tina Turner look today,

don't you think, POD?

-POD computes this look is simply NOT the best.

-Ugh! Rude.

Do you think this is the way mummies should be dressing?

Why not? I'm a hot momma.

A hot momma whose children compare her to an Oompa-Loompa.

# Oompa-Loompa, doopity-doo... #

I don't think I look as bad as an Oompa-Loompa,

but I do look a bit orange.

Shall we find out what the public think?

-Oh, here we go.

-Here we go indeed.

Run phase one - Public Analysis.

-Lottie Lou?

-Yes.

I asked the public, "Would you want to snog, marry or avoid this girl?"

What do you think they said?

Well, I think they're going to say snog, to be honest.

-Really?

-Definitely. Definitely not avoid.

I'd definitely avoid her. She looks like the kind of girl you'd

probably catch something off her, to be honest.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Really?!

I would avoid her, definitely,

because this load of make-up is very scary, actually.

Argggh!

Lottie Lou - 70% of the public want to avoid you.

Shut up! Really?

-Really.

-Oh, no.

25% of the public do want to snog you, but we can increase this with...

Run the makeunder in three, two, one...

Shut up!

-Cut all my hair off!

-What do you think?

I love the dress. I think the dress is amazing.

Needs a bit more lip gloss and eyelashes, I think.

Oh no, you don't!

I look like a mummy.

Do you want to know what the general public think of your look now?

I would love to know.

I'd snog her. She's a nice-looking girl. She's got nice hair, yeah.

Librarian hair, but aww!

Yeah, I'd probably marry her. She's really nice, really pretty.

Doing all right, ain't I?

Oh, I'd snog her. Nice hair. Nice eyes.

Definitely snog her.

-Looks like I'm getting lucky, eh?

-You certainly are.

80% of the public said they'd want to snog you.

Do you think your kids will like your new look?

They'll like it, I think. I think, yeah, it's different.

It's completely different.

But then you are finally a natural beauty.

Finally had your way, eh?

POD always gets her own way.

I'm so excited to see Paris and Sky.

-I'm very, very, very, so excited to see her.

-Me too!

Their reaction is going to really influence, like, how I dress

and how I am, so it's really important.

Wow!

Hi!

Hey!

Oh, do you like it?

Very happy.

What do you think, Sky, about it?

Er, very good.

It was amazing coming in.

I've missed them so much, seeing them run up to me

and be like "Mummy", made it all worthwhile.

I like it because it's nice and glamorous.

You happy?

Really happy!

I'm in two minds about it, to be honest,

so you're going to have to wait and see what happens.

Lottie was transformed "a-lottie" by POD,

but has the fakery crept back in?

Let's give it up, guys, for Lottie Lou.

CHEERING

MUSIC: "Mama Do the Hump" by Rizzle Kicks

# Mama, won't you please let me...? # Mama, won't you please let me...?

# Mama, won't you please let me...? # Mama, won't you please let me...? #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Lottie's enjoyed her moment in the limelight,

but what will her friend think now that two of Lottie's fakest assets are back on display?

How long have you known Lottie?

Not that long, but for enough to know what these are!

I think we all know what these are!

-They're pretty out there.

-Yeah.

Do you think this makeunder has sort of stuck with her then?

Hmm, no. Not at all.

But I think she rocks that look better, to be honest.

Do you like to see her bottom, is that why?

Oh, yeah, definitely. Who doesn't? SHE GIGGLES

He loves it.

Time for Lottie to hear POD's verdict.

POD is going to ignore how you're dressed for now

and ask how your catwalk performance went?

POD, I went down the catwalk, I was absolutely buzzing.

I loved it. It was amazing.

I really liked it and the crowd were really nice and cheering.

POD clearly doesn't need to ask whose side you're on

in the war between natural beauty and fakery.

Fakery all the way.

Well, we'll have to wait to find out if the audience agrees with you.

Who's up next?

POD has a real treat now.

She was Daddy's little princess, but the queen of fake tan.

-SHE SIGHS

-How could I forget her? It's the wonderful Hannah.

Hello, I'm Hannah and I spend my life trying to stand out.

I love tan. I've been tanning for years.

I think the oranger the better.

I mean, the girls today do have a bit of a tan and all that,

but Hannah looks as if she's been on a permanent holiday to Spain.

Yeah, I think my face is nice and colourful.

It could just be toned down a bit.

My dad pays for everything.

I reckon, a month, it probably costs, the way I look, about £300.

You don't want to look like too much of an idiot, do you?

She'd be more pretty without as much tanning and make-up on,

and my pocket would be a lot healthier!

I think I look amazing with my tan. I love it!

Especially when I go out - everybody looks at me then.

All my friends always, like, take the mick out of my look.

That's nice.

I love her to bits, but she just doesn't need to look like that

to get attention.

I could wear two.

It would be nice to see her natural beauty for once.

A makeunder, I think, would prove to Hannah that she doesn't

have to wear all the tan to be who she is, you know,

and I'd just be proud of her, as well, without it.

Hannah, you look like a piece of antique furniture.

Do I look expensive?

Unfortunately, no.

I like being fake, though, POD.

Clearly, but what is the fakest part of you?

My face.

Hannah, you may have the fakest face POD has ever seen,

but are you the queen of the Oompa-Loompas?

I like to think so.

Let's see, shall we?

Hannah, POD would like to award you the Olympic gold medal

-for the most tanned person ever.

-Ah, thank you!

-Are you going to give your acceptance speech?

-Erm, yeah.

I would like to thank my dad, for paying for it,

and I'd like to thank myself, for looking so good wearing the tan.

That's a very moving speech, Hannah,

but let's find out what the public thinks, shall we?

Run phase one - Public Analysis.

I asked the public, "Would you want to snog, marry or avoid this girl?"

What do you think they said?

Snog.

Let's find out.

Avoid. She's too tanned.

That's true, actually.

But they shouldn't avoid me for it.

I would avoid that girl.

She's got too much make-up on, I can't even see her features.

I can't even see the colour of her eyes either,

and that's really important.

You can't see my eyes, so I agree with that, you can't see them,

but you still shouldn't avoid me.

Unfortunately, I'd avoid her because she's got, like,

too much make-up on her face so if I put my finger on her cheek,

she probably wouldn't feel it, she's got that much make-up on.

Well, that is true. Nobody's allowed to touch my face though, so...

Hannah, 100% of the people said they wanted to avoid you.

Well, that's not fair, is it, POD?

Are you ready to hear POD's verdict?

If I must, yeah.

POD computes you are a tan-tastic,

totally plastic queen of the Oompa-Loompas, and you need my...

What are you going to do to me, POD?

-I'm going to turn you into a natural beauty.

-OK.

Run the makeunder in three, two, one...

Aw, I... Aw.

Oh, it's really nice.

Even without your fake face?

-Yeah.

-SHE SOBS

Sorry. I really like it.

Let's see if the general public agrees.

I'd marry her. She looks very cute and very nice.

Oh, I hope you all think I am!

Hannah, you definitely are.

I'd give her a cheeky snog - seems very cute and very natural.

Oh, God!

I'd definitely marry her. Her hair looks really nice

and her skin's... She's got a really good complexion, as well.

Oh! That's a posh word.

A posh word for a classy girl.

Hannah, 100% of people wanted to avoid you.

Now, 60% want to snog you

-and 40% want to marry you.

-Yay!

How do you feel, Hannah?

Really happy.

You are no longer the queen of the Oompa-Loompas,

you are now the princess of natural beauty.

-Goodbye.

-Bye.

I think I do look really classy, actually, for the first time.

My dad's inside.

I hope he's going to like my look, but...

So, fingers crossed.

Really excited.

Excited and nervous to see what she looks like.

Hopefully makes her think that she doesn't have to put

all tan and make-up on.

-Oh, my God!

-HE LAUGHS

You look... You look brilliant!

Oh, god! Who is this?

-You look brilliant.

-Do you like it?

You look great!

Made her dad very happy, POD. Thank you.

POD was sent into overdrive when she removed the wood stain

from Hannah's face, but has she since added a few more sneaky coats?

Guys, please give it up for Hannah.

CHEERING

MUSIC: "Lipstick" by Jedward

# You say you're on it But you just don't know

# You're spending money Like you're on death row

# You must be mis-educated

# By all the guys that you dated

# You think I'll take the bait But I don't think so... #

Hannah has fought fakery and won,

but what does her uncle think of the outcome?

# Just about to meet my match... #

What did you think of her makeunder, then?

I thought it was a different girl, to be honest.

When I used to see her before with her make-up on, if I was in town,

I'd walk in a shop out the way in case she could see me.

But now, I walk round town with her.

She looks phenomenal. It's such a big change, isn't it?

It looks like two different people.

Are you quite glad that she's kept the look?

Did you think she'd probably go back to her old ways?

I'm really glad she kept her look.

Is everyone else glad?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Following her stint on the catwalk, Hannah hot foots it to see POD.

How did you feel about taking to my special catwalk?

When I was walking down the catwalk, I was just excited.

I was nervous, everything. I was so excited though.

What has changed since I last saw you?

Since I last saw you, POD, I've learnt

I can just go out without any make-up on now, no tan,

just walk down the street and I don't care any more, so...

POD is glad to have saved you from your fakery addiction.

-Good luck, Hannah.

-Oh, thank you.

CHEERING

Earlier this year when POD suggested that we go on a road trip together,

I was thinking, "Brilliant! Maybe we'll take a week in the Highlands,

"maybe a weekend in the Cotswolds,"

but, no, turns out what she actually meant was me dressing like an idiot

and walking round the streets of Britain.

# Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? #

ELLIE GIGGLES

# Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?

# Don't cha?

# Don't cha? #

I am Wonder-WAG, and I am here to see what the people of Manchester

make of this look.

Do you think I look like I could get a footballer as a boyfriend?

Oh, aye, yeah. No problem.

Anyone know any footballers?

Footballers interested in a... one of these?

There is a footballer-shaped hole here for me to put my arm through.

I'm quite... I can't really stop looking - your arms are massive.

You want to see my stomach, it's better.

# Da-na-da Da-na-na-da! #

Oh, my god, stop following me! God, I'm so shy.

You do look a bit like a WAG at the moment. Like, sort of...

Let's see what Chelmsford makes of these.

# Pump up the volume

# Pump up the volume

# Pump up the volume Dance, dance. #

What do you make of this?

Ooh, wow!

-What do you think?

-You look like a blow-up doll!

-It doesn't look nice.

-I don't like that.

-It's not attra...

-I wouldn't want to kiss you.

-No, I wouldn't want to snog you!

-MIMICS KATIE PRICE

-And then I met Peter in the jungle and then we fell in love...

And we sold the story and, er, then we, then we got divorced.

Do you think you would kiss someone with lips like this?

Maybe for money, but not just for the fun.

-How much are we talking?

-A couple of hundred quid, at least...

We haven't got that in petty cash, that's never going to work!

Let's see what the people of Newcastle make of Cyber Ellie.

Do you know what I'm meant to be? Like, what kind of person I am?

A mental person?

# Work it

# Make it

# Do it... #

-Wey! That's mad, that, like!

-Isn't it?

It's like a Slinky.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Careful, that was my eye!

I'll tell you what the best thing is about this outfit -

-due to the holes, if you get an itchy arse...

-Not a problem!

Do you ever dress like this, then?

I do. Mostly when I'm going out, though.

What we going for - regular Geordie blow-dry, extra large...?

If we're going to do it, we're going to do it properly.

-Let's try extreme.

-Extreme, yep.

# Where's your head at? At-at-at-at-at #

-What do you think of it?

-It's really nice.

-Do you like it?

-Big.

Would you have it done?

Maybe not as big.

Yeah, it looks like you've been in a wind tunnel with it.

Would you find a girl attractive if she had hair like this?

She'd look like a tart.

I quite like some of those outfits - what did you think, POD?

-Have a guess.

-Probably not a thumbs up.

Correct.

Come on, then, who's next, who's next?

How about a girl who was far too brassy and not very classy?

Ah, Adrienne.

Hi, I'm Adrienne. I'm 22, from Widnes, and I am a beach babe.

I've got extensions in, peroxide on my hair...

Practically everything's faked.

SHE GIGGLES

The only thing that is real are these bad boys.

It's just a nightmare picking up all the gems and the glitter

and the eyelashes.

She falls apart.

Coming out the shower, I end up with her hair all over me.

What the hell? That yours?

MUSIC: "Party Rock Anthem" by LMFAO

THEY WHOOP

'My look is very much out there.

'Whether you like my style or not, you're still looking at me.'

THEY WHOOP

# Every day, I'm shuffling. #

I would just like to ask POD,

please, please, please, bring my beautiful daughter back.

# Every day I'm shuffling. #

Hi, POD. I'm Adrienne.

Adrienne, have you had a fight with a rainbow?

-Er, no.

-SHE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY

Cos it looks like the rainbow won!

Well, I take that as a compliment cos I like lots of colours.

How long does it take to look THIS ridiculous?

I wouldn't say ridiculous, I'd say glamorous,

but it normally takes me about two, three hours.

What a waste of time.

Do you ever go anywhere without colouring yourself in?

No. I scare people.

You're certainly petrifying POD.

ADRIENNE LAUGHS

-Shall we find out what the public think of your look?

-Yeah.

-Be brave, Adrienne.

-I'm brave.

Run phase one - Public Analysis.

I asked the public, "Would you want to snog, marry or avoid this girl?"

What do you think they said?

Well, I'd like to think that I was marriage material

and I'd like to think that I was even snog material,

but I've a sneaky suspicion they might avoid me.

Let's find out.

I would avoid her cos, truthfully, she looks like a man in drag.

Oh, that's a bit harsh, isn't it?

I'd avoid her cos she looks like Fred Flintstone in a dress.

Bovvered?

That's a definite "yabba-dabba don't".

SHE LAUGHS

In fact, Adrienne, 100% of the public want to avoid you.

You're messing!

POD is completely serious.

You're a WAG wannabe, dodgy, Day-Glo mess, and you need my...

Can't promise that I'll like it, but it's worth a try.

POD loves a trier.

Run the makeunder in three, two, one...

Oh, my god!

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, wow. Oh, my god, I'm SO different.

Oh! I love it.

You should do. You look stunning.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Thank you.

I didn't think it was going to be possible, but...good job, POD.

Shall we find out what the general public think?

Go on, then.

I think I would marry her, because she's my type

and I think she just looks very pretty from the picture.

Aw, bless.

I would marry her, yeah, yeah. She's a very attractive young lady.

Aw! Bless them all.

Yeah, I'd give her a snog. She's got nice hair. Good, natural look.

Aw, I'm definitely going to keep it up then

if everyone else thinks I look this beautiful.

Everyone does think you look beautiful,

because 60% of the public now want to snog you and 30% want to marry you.

-Yay!

-SHE GIGGLES

Aw! Thanks, public!

I'm so intrigued to see what I think she should look like.

I hope she's as excited as we are. Hopefully she'll make a change.

Just tone it down a bit - a bit more natural and, you know,

she'll still look beautiful.

-SHE GASPS Oh, my god!

-Oh!

-ADRIENNE:

-Hi!

I want to give you a hug!

Oh, babe, you look gorgeous.

Oh, sweetheart, you look absolutely beautiful!

-Adrienne, that's beautiful.

-More like your natural colour.

-I know.

Oh, my God, she's gorgeous!

'She doesn't have to hide under layers of fake tan and fakery.'

Looks really natural and it really suits her down to the ground.

Here's to my new look.

Cheers!

Hi, POD. You have proved me wrong. Natural beauty DOES exist.

It's really given me a big confidence boost,

but I can't promise I'm not going to ditch my glitter on a night out!

Thanks again.

She was a WAG-wannabe who scored an own goal in the style stakes,

but did POD get Adrienne to show fakery the red card for good?

Give it up for Adrienne.

CHEERING

MUSIC: "Miami 2 Ibiza" by Swedish House Mafia v Tinie Tempah

Adrienne's given fakery the kiss off, but what does the boyfriend

she locks lips with think?

Seeing her with her natural hair, it's perfect for her.

It suits her skin tone and that and, you know, she looks beautiful.

Awww! Look at you!

Do you secretly miss the glitter a little bit?

Not on me, no. Wake up in the morning

and I'm covered head to toe in glitter all the time.

It's a nightmare, but it's gone now, and hopefully it stays gone.

-Yes!

-Yeah, everyone agrees with that.

If you search hard enough in various crevices you might find...

I'm sure somewhere there is in a crevice, but I'm not going to check.

LAUGHTER

Adrienne's boyfriend liked the look, but what will POD think?

Hello again, Adrienne.

Have you recovered from your star turn on the catwalk?

Oh, I'm absolutely shaking like a leaf,

but I loved every single minute of it.

POD is pleased you've stuck to my natural beauty programme,

and if you win the pageant, it will mean natural beauty

has triumphed over fakery.

POD, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I win this competition.

Hopefully, people will see that I am naturally pretty

and that I do deserve the crown.

POD speed, Adrienne!

Ellie, we're halfway through the pageant

and POD is pleased to report that it's 2-1 for natural beauty.

So who have we got next - is it a tan-orexic?

You could say that, and he also has the only Scouse brow in Tyneside.

Dan!

# You make me feel like I'm living a... #

I'm Dan. It takes us three hours to get ready

but good things come to those who wait.

I'm 20, and I'm a trainee hair stylist from South Shields.

I literally paint me face from about five o'clock in the morning.

Tan is like the best invention ever.

Right now I'm Sellotaping the mitt

to the end of the mop so that I can reach me back.

I can't go out with him. When we go shopping, everyone stares

and it's just too much, so... I really do,

I don't go anywhere with him anymore. It's a shame, really.

He's always late.

Always late for college because he's putting his make-up on

or he's dying the hair or he's touching things up.

Always late. Never on time.

ALL: Dan!

The hair's done, the face is on - we're ready to go out.

My love life right now is, like, non-existent.

POD, it takes me ages to get ready and I can't do it any more.

I really need your help.

Dan, why are covered from head to toe in fake tan?

I look sun-kissed. Like, I look like I've just got back from,

like, a really hot country.

You don't look like you've been kissed by the sun -

you look like you've been slapped around the face with it.

And all that time you spend painting your face

hasn't exactly helped your love life.

Can you explain to POD why that is?

Because, by the time I get ready to go on a date with someone,

they could have been on, like, four dates already.

What do you think your look actually says about you to other people?

That I'm rather creative.

Shall we find out?

OK, go on.

Run phase one - Public Analysis.

Dan, I asked the public,

"Would you want to snog, marry or avoid this boy?"

What do you think they said?

Well, I think they said avoid.

I would avoid him cos he looks like he'd probably take my wallet.

DAN GASPS

No way!

I would avoid cos his hair is a show.

DAN SCOFFS

This show would be on Broadway. This would be packed to the brim.

I'd probably snog but then avoid for the rest of the night

and the rest of the year.

DAN LAUGHS

Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

In fact, 60% of the public do indeed want to avoid you.

60%?!

POD computes you need...

Oh, God, bring it on, POD.

Consider it brought.

Run the makeunder in three, two, one...

Oh, my God.

No!

I look like a completely different person.

I actually like it, though, I think I look ...

I didn't think I would look good, but I do actually like it.

Well, it's time to put your new look to the test.

I asked the public

would they like to snog, marry or avoid you looking like this -

what do you think they said?

I think they said snog.

OK, here goes.

I'd snog. He's cute,

but we're probably both a bit too young for marriage.

Yeah, I am a bit young for marriage so they can all just,

like, form a queue and wait till later.

I'd marry him just because he looks natural and he's fit.

He's proper fit.

Oh, well, it's good to know that I'm marriage material now.

Previously 60% of the public said they would indeed avoid you.

Now 70% of the public want to snog you

and 20% want to marry you.

Oh, POD, that is absolutely amazing. That's brilliant.

POD predicts now you're a natural beauty,

your single life will soon be at an end.

Oh, POD, that would be nice.

I've come to see my sister

and I'm really nervous as to what she's going to think of me new look.

-Surprise.

-Oh, my God.

-Yeah, I love it.

-Do you think I look good?

-Yeah.

-Do you?

-Yeah. Do you like it?

-I really like it.

'He looks much better - fresher,'

and I just...I love it. I love his hair.

So do you prefer, like, the old me or the new me?

-Definitely the new you.

-Yeah.

We can actually go shopping without people staring.

I know, you can, like, walk down the street with us

-and not be embarrassed.

-I can come out with you.

I think me sister was genuinely shocked

but she definitely prefers the more toned-down me, so that's a good thing.

-Cheers.

-Cheers, hon.

I'm sure you'll agree Dan was transformed into a Prince Charming,

but does he still believe in the magical message of the makeunder?

Let's take a look. Give it up for Dan.

CHEERING

MUSIC: "Earthquake" by Labrinth Feat. Tinie Tempah

Dan's delivered on the catwalk and kept up his natural look,

but does his friend approve?

So have all of his friends sort of unanimously preferred his look

now he's had the makeunder?

Yeah, definitely. Much prefer it. He looks so much better.

Do you think it's kind of changed his attitude?

I don't know if it's changed his attitude,

but he does look so much better.

-He's got quite a lot of swagger still, hasn't he?

-Yeah, definitely. Yes!

-Do you think there's anything that could have changed that?

-No, not at all.

Dan's natural look should keep POD happy for once.

It certainly looked like you were enjoying your moment in the limelight.

What was going through your mind?

I was just thinking of, like, looking good and, like,

giving people what they wanted, kind of thing,

and just making sure I didn't fall over.

And it's good to see that you've remembered all

that POD taught you about natural beauty.

In a war against fakery and natural beauty,

I'm definitely on your side now, POD.

Unfortunately, on this occasion, flattery won't get you anywhere

because the audience will vote for the winner, not me.

Anyone could win, but I'm hoping it's me.

All will be revealed later. Goodbye.

Thanks, POD.

CHEERING

One thing I learnt from our tour earlier this year

is that whether you're in the north-east or the south-west,

there are always members of the Great British public committing crimes against fashion.

Warning - some viewers may find the following scenes disturbing.

POD, let me in. I've come to talk to you.

What's the typical look in Newcastle?

Less is more, clothes-wise.

More make-up is better, though.

You want to just put fabulous heels on like these, darling.

I mean, without heels, you're just nothing.

POD computes that you look like an insane cockatoo.

Thanks, POD.

BOTH: POD, please let us in.

It looks like you got it from a dead body.

Watch what you're saying, POD,

-cos we're Geordie girls.

-Mmm-hmm. Oh, aye. Aye.

-What are those in your mouth?

-Fangs.

POD computes that all you're doing

is sucking the blood out of style. Goodbye.

-Hi, POD. Let us in.

-Hi, POD!

What have you two come as?

I'm a dinosaur.

I have a tail!

Dinosaur tail. Who doesn't want to be neon?

-Me.

-You're just mean.

Cardiff's not tacky or cheap.

Why do you look like a strumpet?

What's that?

-A Victorian prostitute.

-Oh, right.

You've just got to look beautiful, glamorous, you can't look trashy.

Eugh! Nah.

An Essex Oompa-Loompa - enter.

Oh, thanks.

You look like you've had a bit of work done.

-I have had done my boobs...

-BUZZER

-..my hair is hair extensions...

-BUZZER

-..eyelash extensions...

-BUZZER

-..HD brows...

-BUZZER

-..tooth whitening...

-BUZZER

-..fake nails...

-BUZZER

..fake tan.

Is that a cupcake on your boob?

It is a cupcake on my boob.

Do you like cupcakes?

Yeah, they're yummy.

Who are you?

Collagen Westwood Botoxina Versace.

There are quite a lot of people committing some serious fashion crimes out there, aren't there?

POD was hoping to erase those fashion disasters from my memory banks.

Come on, then, who's next?

How about a yummy mummy who needed a good scrubbing?

Ha. Karina Tangerina. I remember her.

My name's Karina. I'm 26 years old.

I'm a mum. When I'm on the school run in the mornings,

I do get some strange looks from the mums.

There's me walking along sort of all done up to the max.

I apply fake tan every day.

I'd say I look quite hot, sexy... Amazing, really.

I feel so much better now I've had my tan done.

-Can you actually see out your eyes with those on?

-Yes!

-What do you mean?

-You did look like a tangerine, didn't you?

'My mum's husband,'

he's got a little nickname that he likes to call me, as well,

which is Tangerina Karina.

When I go to the gym I have to make sure that I'm tanned up to the max

and I've got a full face of make-up on

cos you never know who you're going to see in the gym.

She will never, ever leave the house

without her make-up or hair being done.

She just loves, like, the glam, the bling of things.

Because I'm a mum I think that I need to head down

the whole sophisticated, still a bit sexy,

but mature look,

and I just don't really know how to go about that myself, really.

Hi, POD. I'm Karina.

Do you have a nickname?

-Yeah, I do have a nickname.

-SHE LAUGHS

Go on.

My nickname is Tangerina Karina.

And why do you think that is, Karina?

Umm... It may have something to with my tan, maybe.

POP computes you're a tangerine mummy.

SHE LAUGHS

No, I'm just a mummy, POD.

You're a tangerine mummy.

You're cheeky, POD.

What do you think your look says about you?

Um... I think guys probably think that it's quite a sexy look.

Shall we find out?

Phase one - Public Analysis.

I asked the public,

"Would you want to snog, marry or avoid this girl?"

What do you think they said?

Umm...

Definitely snog.

I would avoid the girl cos I prefer natural-looking girls.

She's got too much make-up and stuff.

And stuff? What's "and stuff"?

He can't mean clothes, can he?

SHE LAUGHS

I would definitely avoid her cos, I mean,

looks like too many have snogged her already.

-SHE GASPS

-What a cheeky git!

In fact, 90% of the public want to avoid you.

Oh, my God.

POD computes that you need...

Ah, you're so mean, POD.

POD has to be cruel to be kind.

Run the makeunder in three, two, one...

Oh, my God.

I look well different.

Different good?

Yeah, different good. It's a bit, like, "Wow!"

I like it.

I would say I look more like a mum now than what I did before.

Let's find out if the public agree with you.

I asked them, looking like this,

would they want to snog, marry or avoid you?

What do you think they said?

Hopefully some said snog.

-Shall we find out?

-OK.

I would snog her.

She seems like an attractive, outward-going, smiley girl.

Aw, that's really sweet.

I would marry her cos she seems dead nice and sweet

and she doesn't wear much make-up.

Aw! Oh, bless.

Oh, I'd definitely snog her, yeah.

She's a nice classy-looking girl, nice make-up, nice hair.

Aw, I like these people. These people are nice.

Previously, 90% of the public said they would avoid you.

Yeah.

Now 80% of the public want to snog you.

Oh, my God.

And the other 20% want to marry you.

I like them results better, POD.

I'm really excited to see Karina, but nervous at the same time.

I'm really hoping she's going to like her new look.

Hello.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

-You all right?

-You look lovely.

'I think they were all very, very shocked when they saw me.'

I think they all absolutely loved it, though.

You look absolutely amazing, so much better, honestly.

-Do you think?

-Oh, my God.

It's just like you're a different person.

Feel like a proper mum now.

They can't really call me Tangerina Karina now, can they?

They'll probably call me Mighty Whitey or something!

Thanks a lot, POD, for my new look. Really love it.

Trying to get used to it.

Couldn't have done it without you. Thanks, POD.

POD peeled back Tangerina Karina's skin

to reveal a natural beauty underneath,

but has the orange glow made a reappearance?

Let's give it up for Karina.

CHEERING

MUSIC: "Next To Me" by Emeli Sande

Karina has kept up POD's message of natural beauty,

but what does her boyfriend think of it?

I think that she was orange, tangerine, before,

so she looks lovely now, I think.

If you had to compare her to a fruit now, what would you say?

It's more like a pear.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

Bad answer!

-Yeah, I think, yeah...

-Bad answer.

I'm not sure anyone's going to be your friend any more after that.

Never call a woman a pear.

Karina's had her moment on the catwalk but now POD awaits.

Hi, POD. I've really missed you since I've been away.

Did you enjoy strutting your stuff on POD's catwalk?

Well, it was nerve-wracking to start off with,

but it was really good once I got into it.

POD computes you still look amazing following your original makeunder.

POD, are you impressed that I'm still on the side of natural beauty?

Affirmative.

POD is happy to have you on my side in the never-ending battle with fakery.

Good luck and goodbye.

Thanks, POD. Bye!

Ellie, it's time for our final POD-ette to take to the catwalk.

And I'm impressed that, so far,

four have all stayed on the side of natural beauty.

Go on, then, who's next up?

Our final POD-ette was a man who loved to dress... Well, in a dress!

It's got to be Miss Olivia Dean.

Hi, I'm Olivia Dean. I'm 23 and from Whitehaven.

I've been dressing as a woman since I was in my teens

and I like to be called Olivia.

My look has just been carefree,

quite colourful,

maybe daring some days.

I just like fake.

The more fake I feel, the more I've got confidence.

Gorgeous.

Living in Whitehaven, you would think I was some sort of celebrity.

Everybody just thinks I'm quite strange, really.

Being sisters, sisters share but, like,

she doesn't know what sharing is.

She, like, takes my things and I don't get them back.

My clothes, my make-up, my nail varnishes. It's terrible!

It's been that long since I've been a boy,

I need your help to make me into the old me again.

-Olivia.

-Yes, POD?

Something isn't computing.

Please describe your look.

Well, it's fake, it's flirty.

Obviously, I'm a bit easy on the eye.

No, that's not it.

I'm deducing that Olivia isn't your real name, is it?

No, my name's actually Dean.

So what is Olivia Dean?

Olivia Dean's a person that, erm...

has taken over Dean.

What job do you have?

Well, I'm full-time fabulous, obviously.

Well, let's keep it realistic. What job would you like to do?

My dream job would be to be a top make-up stylist,

going wild with all the celebrities.

I just do makeunders, not miracles.

Run phase one - Public Analysis.

POD asked members of the public

if they would snog, marry or avoid you.

What do you think they said?

Well, on looks only, I would definitely say...

a little snog.

Personally, I'd avoid.

Yeah, yeah.

I'd definitely avoid

because that is not the look I would normally go for.

In fact, 96% of the public said they would avoid you.

Well, I know that's lies cos I get a lot of attention.

POD's verdict is we need to restore your natural beauty

and help you get that job with...

Run the makeunder in three, two, one...

HE LAUGHS

It's lovely to meet you, Dean.

-It's nice to meet you, as well.

-Are you ready to hear

what the public think you look like in this look?

Oh, yeah. Let's hope it's something positive.

This time I asked the public, showing them a picture of you with this look,

would they want to snog, marry or avoid this person?

What do you think they said?

I don't know. I'm really nervous so you're going to have to tell me.

I'd definitely marry him

because he looks like he knows how to have a good time.

Hmm.

I would snog that person.

He looks like a cute, cheeky chappie -

nice hair, nice top, nice shirt.

Nice-looking male.

I find it very strange to hear things like this.

Before, 96% of the people that we spoke to wanted to avoid you.

Now the majority of the people we spoke to

wanted to either snog or marry you.

It's nice to hear lovely things for a change. It is.

-POD is very proud of you. Goodbye, Dean.

-Bye.

It was really strange.

I feel a totally different person at the moment.

I'm just going to see what my little sister says

and we'll see how it goes from there.

I really don't know what to expect.

-Hi.

-Oh, my gosh!

I love it.

I love it.

'Dead shocked when Dean walked in.'

I love it, though. It's just how he used to be. It's amazing.

Nobody's seen me like this for ages, have they?

'Obviously, I got a lot negative feedback,'

but after the makeunder I got a lot of positive

and it did make me feel really happy.

I just love everything. Like, the blazer, the pumps that he's got on.

I've got my brother back and it's amazing.

Right, here's to the new look.

POD may have sent Olivia packing

but who will be joining us on the catwalk tonight?

Will it be Olivia or will it be Dean?

Let's find out.

CHEERING

She was fierce on the catwalk but she's faker than ever.

Is it a look that'll get the audience's vote?

What did you think of Olivia's look?

She's got amazing legs. I'm so jealous.

They are quite something, aren't they?

Did you think she did a good thing by ignoring POD's advice, then,

-and going back to being Olivia?

-Yeah, definitely.

Olivia sure can pout but will POD approve of her latest look?

Olivia Dean, we meet again.

Kind of missed you a little bit.

In a strange way, POD has missed you too.

How would you describe your catwalk experience?

Well, I was walking down the catwalk like a Slinky.

I couldn't stop shaking.

The shoes made it even more worse, but I just dealt with it.

Those sparkly slingbacks weren't part of Dean's natural beauty makeunder.

Although you did make me back to my natural beauty,

I'm comfortable being who I am so I thank you for that.

POD is pleased that you seem to have learnt something

from my natural beauty programme

but we'll have to wait to see what the voting public think about your look.

Goodbye, Olivia.

Catwalk complete, it's now time for the voting to begin.

Which look will win the war? Will it be natural or fake?

I'm probably going to vote for natural, to be honest.

I think some of the horror shows from before were a bit ridiculous, so I'm thinking natural all the way.

It was a tough call between Hannah and Karina,

but I voted for Hannah cos I think her fake tan

was way over the top, so it was a big improvement.

If I win Miss Snog Marry Avoid, I'd be so happy,

knowing that I've done all this and I've got something at the end of it

and I've changed a lot throughout this.

I think I'm going to have to go fake just cos I thought Olivia was brilliant.

I think I should win the competition

because, obviously, I was lost,

I didn't know who I was, and you've helped me

and you've made me realise who I really am.

I voted for Hannah.

And I voted for Adrienne.

Lottie looks good, but it's just a bit too much.

Everything should be fake.

Yeah, I'm here to make everyone see that fake's better so I should win.

Definitely Karina.

The reason being, I think she had the classiest look.

The sort of clothes that she's wearing is something that I would choose myself on a night out.

I don't think Tangerina Karina will ever be back.

We're voting for Dan because we think he has the biggest change.

He's a nice-looking young man. It was hidden behind everything else

and it's nice to see he looks good natural.

It would mean a lot to take the crown back to Newcastle

cos I don't think Geordies really win much

and they don't have a good reputation

so I'll be very proud to take that crown back.

I think I'm going to vote for Adrienne,

because I think her makeunder was the best one

and I think she looked the most natural and the most happy in her own skin afterwards.

CHEERING

If I stole the crown from all the other competitors,

I would be so happy.

Like, that would be the biggest honour anyone could ever have.

It's time to meet our finalists one more time

so please give it up for Karina...

CHEERING

We've got Lottie Lou...

CHEERING

-We've got Adrienne...

-CHEERING

-We've got Dan...

-CHEERING

-We have Hannah...

-CHEERING

And finally we have Miss Olivia.

CHEERING

The votes are in.

It's the moment of truth. Good luck, everybody.

The winner of Mr or Miss Snog Marry Avoid 2012 is...

..Hannah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come over here!

You won!

Oh, I'm dead excited!

I'm glad that Hannah won.

I think it's good for a natural beauty to have won the competition.

Well, obviously, I came to win, but she won,

-so I suppose I'll just have to deal with it.

-Yeah.

Hannah was really amazing. You know, it was a huge transformation.

It would have been nice to win, but Hannah's really lovely

and I do genuinely think she deserved it.

I think the transformation was good so I can see why.

She's a lovely, sweet girl so I thought that was good,

but, yeah, little bit jel.

-Totes agree.

-Totes jel.

CHEERING

Hannah, how does it feel to be Miss Snog Marry Avoid 2012?

It feels amazing, POD.

What are you going to do with your lovely new trophy?

I'm going to drink wine out of it.

Good lord, how much wine are you going to drink?

Oh, quite a bit! Well, I will be tonight - I'm celebrating.

And you have every reason to. POD is very proud.

Aw, thank you.

I always knew it would be a natural beauty that won.

It's natural all the way now, innit, POD? Thanks to you.

It is now your mission to go forth

and spread the word of natural beauty. Do you accept your mission?

I do accept it, POD.

-Good bye, Hannah.

-Bye, POD!

POD, what a victory. Natural beauty won through.

As if there was ever any doubt.

Well, I don't know - Olivia Dean was in the running, I reckon.

No, there was far too much pout on that one!

Never enough pout - she looked amazing.

POD computes that it was Hannah

and the rest of the natural beauties that looked amazing.

Oh, I had so much fun, let's do it again.

Good idea. Well done, you.

Yes, in fact, POD is very inspired.

Let's go forward and makeunder the rest of the world.

No, no, no, no!

My feet are killing me so for the last time in 2012 you can POD off.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd