Episode 1 Staying In with Greg and Russell XL

How did you do that? You can peel it moment. You need to be care self-

because if up start on these, you'll be on the Edam and then the blue

cheese. Ive might have to see you in rehab. I was worried about the

The penises, there it is. That's lamb and pig penis. Did you eat

like living together? You have lived together. Our house turned into

like living together? You have lived responsible for this chaos? There's

a bit of a divide here. Because responsible for this chaos? There's

wondered if one of you was the tidy, emotionally healthy one and the

other was messy? There's usually a messy one Andrew anal one. I'm not

OCD, but I'm tidy. But Gregg will have a sheet on the way to the

cleaning up. That's so uncool. I Hoovered up my own shadow the other

did. Whattuals that like sni, it was like Laurel and Hardy. We couldn't

-- we couldn't even make a cup of like Laurel and Hardy. We couldn't

-- we couldn't even make a cup of tea together without turning it

-- we couldn't even make a cup of a horrible sketch. What was it like

-- we couldn't even make a cup of being on the same bus, girls can't

-- we couldn't even make a cup of get on any way with each other,

-- we couldn't even make a cup of living in that closed space. It

-- we couldn't even make a cup of wasn't that exciting to be honest.

burning and close the -- burning wasn't that exciting to be honest.

ever had a big fight you two? He's so tolerant. I always try to start

ever had a big fight you two? He's them. Hit me again, I dare you. No,

the closest we came to it, we had a, we used to wrestle on stage and

the closest we came to it, we had a, time I, we wrestled and he hit his

head on a monitor and was instantly conkused. I realised when heuals

getting up, because his eyes were all the place. I didn't want anyone

to freak out so I kind of kicked him Did you calmly say, "You'll learn

from this." I threw fliers at Julian in Edinburgh. The worst thing you

can do. I'm so angry, I picked up fliers and they were all getting

loose any way. It's like throwing It's quite beautiful. We looked

loose any way. It's like throwing the fliers... The beauty took us out

What was your summer holiday like? You went to Portugal. I went to

Your aunt sent us that. I don't doubt she would send it in. She

Your aunt sent us that. I don't What about your summer? I went back

to LA and hung out at beach and soaked up the sun and chilled, with

my friends. Any photos of that? No. my friends. Any photos of that?

of their new games that they were We actually do have one of you

of their new games that they were Get in this mini cab and come to my

I'm seeing you in a whole new light. There's some shots they couldn't

use. Obviously. What? Getting on the got a phone call from the boss and

he went, "I really like it, it's good, but there's way too many pubes

they pixelated my cock. It took good, but there's way too many pubes

Erm...... That's the cutest Batman ever. Better than Ben Affleck.

The recognise bat man, but who is that? This is my character, ecoman.

was a play. Oh, yeah. Ittuals a Of course it was. What were his

values? He took like bad fumes. Of course it was. What were his

values? He took like bad fumes. You like dressing up and we know you

like pranking as well because you did a prank with Professor green.

like pranking as well because you Twitter beef just for fun, because

a quiff since Hitler. -- address coids like that with a quiff since

Hitler. He was like ha-ha. I got something was going to happen, I got

a fire extinguisher in my face. I'd love to see that. I wonder if you

There's been banter on Twitter. People think it was serious and

like there was tension between us whatever. You want to make people

Why did I walk into that room? I should say that sadly after that

theruals a fatal fire. -- there should say that sadly after that

a fatal fire. If you are going to play with fire extinguishers, make

sure that you leave something in it because it's only funny unless

someone gets killed. That's so don't know how that happened. How

was your 40th, what did you do? I don't know, this is what happens

remember. It went on for three days. I thought you were going to show me

because so far you say, "Well, funny you should say that." If this show

hadn't have got commissionled you'd have been in a room full of footage

going, what will we do now, we'll have to send it to you've been

over to our pad. We don't all live framed. Changing topic, it's all

over to our pad. We don't all live moment, the man in your life, he

over to our pad. We don't all live puppy and he September saying,

over to our pad. We don't all live Bradley Cooper, let's watch his

movie." You took it to the next level saying, "The dog is the only

person I can trust in my life." level saying, "The dog is the only

spent Valentine's Day together, didn't you? Iuals single and I spent

it with my dog. I spent it with didn't you? Iuals single and I spent

fur repelles it. I've adopted a didn't you? Iuals single and I spent

called Colin, he's a pug. He's actually here. Do you want to see my

He's actually lives with us in our little house there. That's his

kennel. He lives under the pool table. He's put a diamante collar on

because someone's in the cloz E table. He's put a diamante collar on

what do you think of Colin. Rate him out of ten. He's a ten. What about

your dog? A ten plus. We played out of ten. He's a ten. What about

intelligence in a dog. If you put a towel on their head, the speed as

think might win? Guys? Cooper. I big fish -- fists doesn't he. He's

coming through the floor. Let's So you won that, so are you the

intelligent Rizzle Kick? Erm... So you won that, so are you the

basic social situations, no. The fact you're taking so long means

you're not. But you were deputy fact you're taking so long means

boy at school, right? I was. I was boy..." What is that? Like, head of

second-best. It means nothing. in sports, I'd represented them

extra-curricularly and then I looked at the lists and I just wasn't on

student?" He went, "Cos it would've responsibility, so I'll make your

life a living hell." You sound like can't imagine you in school uniform.

conforming. I wasn't raised in a responsibility. I just couldn't

conforming. I wasn't raised in a child. I got taught by a bear.

conforming. I wasn't raised in a really remember much of it. You

wanted to work with animals, didn't you? You did, seriously. You wanted

to be a vet. Yeah, I kind of thought it might be cool to be a vet at

to be a vet. Yeah, I kind of thought point. And then I sort of thought,

"Mm, that looks like it might be too much time at college." I think it's

seven years to be a vet, it's even longer than a doctor. Then I started

getting into art and I thought, whether to be a footballer, a vet or

an artist. That's not funny. Lock you. I was good at football. I used

have this thing called a prom at the end, which makes an event of men

being rejected. Yeah, it's the end of the year, everybody gets real

dressed up. And then there's Prom King and Queen. Which one did you

win? I got nominated for Prom Queen. I didn't win... You were Deputy

win? I got nominated for Prom Queen. Queen. So you guys don't have an

biriyani. I'm really enjoying this game but I've got a clip I wanted to

play. What about my clips? I've game but I've got a clip I wanted to

one about which dog poos first. game but I've got a clip I wanted to

One, two, three, four, five, six, I turning red? Four, five, six,

seven, eight. Crawl and crawl, down, down, down. And up two, three, four,

work-out, for sure. I don't want to be rude, but it is a good work-out

video. I put several pounds on my be rude, but it is a good work-out

video. I put several pounds on my forearm after watching it. Can we

Ashley's really into me. 'I'd like just don't.' 'Watch this. 'Er,

to show her the garage.' 'Don't just don't.' 'Watch this. 'Er,

Ashley?' 'Russell, you're still just don't.' 'Watch this. 'Er,

your head.' 'Oh, sorry.' Sorry. Ash...Ashley, would you like to

your head.' 'Oh, sorry.' Sorry. in my... Come to the garage with me?

Let's do it. All right. You show me the way. Just stand there. Come

Let's do it. All right. You show me mate? Wow, OK. That's special. He's

giving your nipple a little pinch there. A little bird told me that

you're really into hot yoghurt yoga...hot yoga. Yes, like bikram.

Mm-hm. Does that mean that you don't have any fun? Do you never go out

and party? I do, I go out and have a good time, and that's why you go to

bikram, so you can sweat it all good time, and that's why you go to

super-healthy, don't you get drunk really quickly? I guess growing

super-healthy, don't you get drunk practice. I'm solid on that. What's

done when you're drunk? Was it Declan Donnelly? I thought we were

getting along here, buddy. Wow, really! That's a low blow. I just

want to check if he's your boyfriend or not. Right, next question. Would

you be able to show me some moves? Yes. All right, let's do this. Let's

stand up. We're going to do a bit of downward dog. What's that? That

normally happens in a Southend car park. You ready? I'm ready. We're

going to bend down. Stretch it out forward. And just give it a good

stretch. How am I? Am I good? Yeah, hip is genuinely locked. I'll just

fall out of it. While we're down here, let's do a bit of camel.

What's that? Is that when your leggings are too tight? You're here

all night, aren't you? Get back leggings are too tight? You're here

back and grab our heels. Yes! Oh, round. Hey. What are we doing, the

chaffinch? Are you going to do some yoga? What are you doing? I'm trying

to do the sensitive bit where we talk about life after PCD. Pussycat

Dolls. Sorry. Life after Pussycat Dolls, how's it been? It's been

awesome. It wasn't a disease after all. Are you going to do more music?

presenting? Act? I'm doing a little bit of everything. I did Saturday

been doing some stuff with E! Back in America. I'm back in the studio

doing music. I think we speak for the whole nation when we say, "Can

please?" I would love to do that. We'll join you, if you want. Noel,

interested? I'll film it, yeah. On my phone. I'd like that. I know

interested? I'll film it, yeah. On you do meditating and stuff like

that. I do, yeah. Sometimes, yeah. Yeah, well, we do the same form

that. I do, yeah. Sometimes, yeah. meditation, so when we're together,

um, we do it together. Is he a good person to do meditation with? Yeah,

he's been doing it for a long time. another place together. How do you

do it? I can't even sit still while I eat my Coco Pops. How would you

sit if you were going to meditate? You can sit however you want. I

usually just hover above the floor. cross-legged in these trousers.

Because they're made of angel skin. Greg, it's nice of you to join us,

but don't you think you should check the Rizzle Kicks are OK? They're

fine, I've left them some cartoons. Lock off! I'm delighted to hear

you've connected with that spiritual element. You're obviously physically

personality? I do, as well. I have a guru, actually, named Ama. Her

nickname's the Hugging Guru, she guru, actually, named Ama. Her

tell. I did see a psychic one time travels the world giving hugs. That

tell. I did see a psychic one time and I was just out of high school at

the time, and she was, like, "You're going to be at the Grammies," and I

hell are you talking about?" Six looked at her and said, "What the

hell are you talking about?" Six That's quite a safe bet if you're in

a massive girl band. I wasn't. Oh, quite specific, that. It's very

specific. I went to a psychic and he said I was going to open a jam

factory. It's not happened. Yeah, but there's so much time left. You

going, "Yo-oh-oh-oh!" It is my dream. It's my dream. So if it

happens... I sometimes get up before the phone rings, to answer it.

Really? Are you just saying that? It's true, yeah. I sort of know

Really? Are you just saying that? going to ring and I get up and it

serious or not. I am serious. I going to ring and I get up and it

sometimes have dreams of things going to ring and I get up and it

really want to make too much of going to ring and I get up and it

cos I thought I don't want to be one of those people that's got to be put

in a cell... "Noel, what have you It's a burden, Russell. It's a

burden. I just want to be comedian! I don't want to see into the future.

BANGING. Oh! That's Jason Derulo up there. He's still here. Are you

BANGING. Oh! That's Jason Derulo up he's all right? Yeah, I'll go check

on old Derulo. It's not insulated - that's all I'm worried about. Oh,

God. All right, back in a second. OK. I'm going to be here all night

long, baby. All night long. Oh. OK. I'm going to be here all night

you want to make this happen? All right, let's... Hey, Jase! Oh, what

Chillin', man. You all right? Fist, fist, fist. Boom! You OK? Good,

good, good. Can't complain. What were you doing just then? Ah, just,

er...talking dirty. Ah. That's the name of your new single, isn't it?

Talk Dirty. What a good plug! Cue the clip. # Been around the world

Don't speak the language # But your booty don't need explaining # All I

really need to understand is # When you talk dirty to me # Talk dirty to

question comes from Kirsty who you talk dirty to me # Talk dirty to

"Is your six-pack your proudest you talk dirty to me # Talk dirty to

of your body?" No. No? Who are you you talk dirty to me # Talk dirty to

stuff? Because of Talk Dirty, are they sending you lots of dirty talk

kind of a thing. Sometimes it's they sending you lots of dirty talk

sort of stuff do they say? Somebody saying stuff like, "Jason, I want to

want you to lock me hard to your music until the sun comes up, three

times over." To your own music? That's quite weird? Yeah. Have you

ever done that before? To my own music? It might have popped up on

in my loft area, there's a few bits in here I just wanted to ask you

about. Yeah? So... Can you make anything sexual? Pretty much. How

about a picture of my grandparents? Is... Is your grandfather half

black? Yep. Really? Yeah. Can you not tell? So you're, like, a quarter

black? Probably, like, a fifth. I Big-time! OK, teach me some stuff.

Give it a go. See if you can make me more sexual. I mean, even if you do

little innuendos, you know what more sexual. I mean, even if you do

saying? "In YOUR end-oh"! See? This is why it doesn't go very well.

saying? "In YOUR end-oh"! See? This er...you just wait by the lights and

doesn't know what's about to happen. She's going to be like, "What do you

mean?" And you say, "Lights on or off?" And you say it again with

confidence. Hey, baby. Lights on? Lights off? You decide. Good? Keep

It's short. Hey, baby. Do you want lights off? Enjoy the rest of your

evening up here. Jason, we'll see business. Tell me how you like it,

do you like your Mad Hatter's Tea Beautiful. Yeah. So this is the

spare room. It needed doing, so Beautiful. Yeah. So this is the

thought, you're coming over, let's like it? Yeah, like a beautiful

albino Ewok! That's some of your artwork, right? Yeah. How the hell

did you get that? That cat over there is called the tiger spider.

His bow tie is actually a butterfly. That's a tiger spider as well. In

your comedy, you've created some incredible characters. Have you

your comedy, you've created some a favourite character that you've

created? I quite like the Hitcher, who wears a top hat. I like him

created? I quite like the Hitcher, Old Greg. He's quite a frightening

serial killer. "I'm Old Greg, mother licker." Really freaks me out.

Mother licker? "I'm Old Greg, mother licker. "You heard me, young Rizzle

boy." I've just done a new series, actually, this summer. I'm editing

it at the moment. So that's the actually, this summer. I'm editing

series of Luxury Comedy? It's set in a coffee shop on the edge of a

volcano in Hawaii. What are your dreams like? Really boring - black

and white. Just me sitting there, not doing much at all. I don't

really have dreams, actually. They make themselves apparent in your

stories. I did go to a sort of therapy once, a while back, for

something else. That's not a joke! And my therapist said that I dreamed

in the daytime. That I was too close to my subconscious or I'd left the

door open. I think I use it, at least, in a creative way, I put

door open. I think I use it, at books and art exhibitions. Otherwise

I'd probably be just one of those mad people. When you were growing

up, what were your favourites? Was it Vic and Bob? Was it Monty Python?

Spike Milligan, Vic and Bob, Monty Python, Peter Cook. Everything and

obsessed with comedy. I didn't know Python, Peter Cook. Everything and

I wanted to be a comedian but I your childhood to jog some memories,

wanted to write comedy. I thought your childhood to jog some memories,

patch. Please explain that. I was very close to my nan when I grew up,

patch. Please explain that. I was and she had a cat called Jethro

patch. Please explain that. I was he went blind in one eye. Obviously,

I was about six, so I thought that was funny. And so the best thing I

used to do was I used to... Jethro would be under the table and if

there was a table leg there, he couldn't see that way and I used to

"Donk!" Actually, Jethro actually consumed some drugs once. Really? At

a party, yeah. Some acid. And he was freaking out, so my dad and mum

"What should we do? The cat's taken some acid." They said to put it

"What should we do? The cat's taken small, confined space, otherwise

it'll hurt itself. So they put it in the sock drawer. And then in the

drawer, it had put all the socks into pairs. I made that end bit

drawer, it had put all the socks but the first bit... Was there a

story about Pete Doherty and some cats at the party? Yeah. I was at a

hotel room. This was when I was partying a lot, when we first got

famous with the Boosh. I sort of went out and partied a lot and it

was really good fun. I think I was at Courtney Love's hotel room and

Pete Doherty knocks on the door at Courtney Love's hotel room and

he had a top hat with kittens in it. Just literally came in with a top

hat full of kittens and I thought, "It's probably time to go now."

hat full of kittens and I thought, sort of miss Pete Doherty a little

bit, though. Yeah? He was such a entertaining, wasn't he? But he

bit, though. Yeah? He was such a Oh, what's that? Oh, lock! Oh,

wa-hey!" Then falling over. It was quite fun, wasn't it, to have Pete

Doherty. I mean, he's sort of skinny and flabby at the same time - he's

got skills! But, I mean, you had quite a fun time at parties and

stuff... What's going on? You all right? You got any kittens in there

Hatter's Tea Party for Noel. I've loved hearing about his life but the

questions have all been normal, loved hearing about his life but the

question from the mad hat. Here loved hearing about his life but the

comes. Oh, wow! How have we done it? loved hearing about his life but the

It's not a crudely made hole in loved hearing about his life but the

be?" Wow. Mussolini? Go on. Well, table with an exploited runner

be?" Wow. Mussolini? Go on. Well, cos I just think he'd be quite

powerful - powerful wrists. Yeah, I have to do much. I'd probably him to

wear a papoose and I'd get in the back of it and let him run around

the court. Next one. "You get caught in a vicious street fight. "He's got

a knife... "you've got a punnet in a vicious street fight. "He's got

strawberries. How does it play out?" Jam factory! Wow! That's the mother

right, hat. You're never going to win that battle - you've got silky

fingers. That's part of your costume fancy-dress party "as the internet,

made of items found around the house. "How can I do it? Help."

made of items found around the You could go as a section of the

internet. You could go as Twitter with boxing gloves and lipstick

internet. You could go as Twitter Twitter's a bit like that. You get

kissed and you get punched in the face. Hello. Hey! Hi. Hey. Special

little brew here for you guys. That's a nice costume. Thank you. I

costume! I wanted it! Some costume would be nice. I saw that hanging up

and thought, Russell's would be would be nice. I saw that hanging up

that. Thanks. Pass that round. Are these genuine drinks? We're trapped

here now so we need drinks to get into sleepy world. Cheers, everyone.

Don't drink that one, Greg. Greg. Ashley, that one is for you. Why?

comfortable. Are you ready for your bedtime story? Yes. Jason, you OK up

there? Right. So we're going to crack on with a fairy tale. There

might be some gaps so feel free crack on with a fairy tale. There

fill those gaps in. Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 32 years old. called Ashley who was 30... Thirty

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 32 years old. She'd been locked in a tower for

Beautiful young woman. Yes. "Throw YOUR HAIR! Still quite quiet. Just

half-man half-raven called Noel swooped down and introduced himself.

All right? How's it going? The half-man half-raven was incredibly

important thing he had learned in his 40 years of being alive, which

was... Always... Wash your hands after you've been camping. Harley

responded by telling the raven the most important thing he had learned

in his lifetime. Umm... Thank you, Harley. With this wisdom I shall go

back to my raven people. They will Harley." He said, "Umm..." You're

Mantra of umm. We will be called the ravens of umm. And Jordan shouted

something incomprehensible from ravens of umm. And Jordan shouted

from Essex. I still understood that. conclusion that beautiful princesses

called Ashley were far more hassle than they were worth and went home

to play his favourite childhood than they were worth and went home

of... Is it your turn? Weetabix than they were worth and went home

The Pyjamas. A game? It's a game where I come from. Weetabix. And the

shouting out his favourite word where I come from. Weetabix. And the

beautiful princess bellowed out where I come from. Weetabix. And the

favourite broadcastable-on-BBC-Three profanity. Um... Sorry, that's my

I will expect a cheque in the post. profanity. Um... Sorry, that's my

doesn't send toddlers to sleep, profanity. Um... Sorry, that's my

don't know what will. Get out of bed, please. You've got work to

don't know what will. Get out of Sort yourselves out. Rizzle Kicks

are going to perform for us. Thank you very much, Ashley. Thank you,

Noel. Thank you, Jason. Thank you, Jason. Right now, to play us out,

the wonderful Rizzle Kicks. Thanks for watching. # I said I'm living in

a # Lost generation # I said I'm living in a # Lost generation #

a # Lost generation # I said I'm got my heart # I found my soul # I'm

living, I'm living # I'm living life, man # Switch on the TV # They

keep it real But not in that way # I somebody's life displayed # Awkward

pauses and dodgy moments # I smile, it keeps me sane # Reality TV is

morphine # Give me that now Let it keeps me sane # Reality TV is

ease the pain # Man, talent shows I seen some of our friends # Go and

beat their targets # I've also seen careers end When they ain't even

really started # Jeremy Kyle got the nation laughing # At other people's

expense # Somebody tell that guy that we hate him too # We are not

his friends # Hashtag trend # We make people go clap, clap yeah #

When I heard people buy views I make people go clap, clap yeah #

Terry's black friends # Watch your mouth son Hashtag trend # Oi Big

Brother's in the house now, yeah # I said screw the voting and talking #

I just wanna see people fight and have sex so let's say hey # I'm

living, I'm living life, man # Say hey, hey # I'm living, I'm living

life # I've got my heart, I found my soul # I'm living, I'm living I

life # I've got my heart, I found my I'm living in a # Lost generation #

generation # I've got my heart # I found my soul # I'm living, I'm

living I'm living life, man # I wanna dance, I wanna have fun #

living I'm living life, man # I me feel the music # I hope you

realise how dumb you sound # When you call us stupid # I wanna drive

to work # Hear this beat and make my dreams come true # Keep it up, man,

a beat like this # Reminds my heart feel useless, baby # That's right,

a beat like this # Reminds my heart every bad boy should # And damn

a beat like this # Reminds my heart right I'm a slut You know this #

a beat like this # Reminds my heart you're Russell Kane # Hashtag trend

# Why is everybody so PC? # It's not my fault if you take offence #

# Why is everybody so PC? # It's not your mouth son # Hashtag trend

What's wrong if a girl loves sex? # It's only wrong if it's not with you

# So maybe you should get better in bed # You naughty boy # Yeah, yeah #

Say hey # I'm living, I'm living life, man # Say hey # I'm living,

I'm living life # I've got my heart # I found my soul # I'm living,

I'm living life # I've got my heart living # I said I'm living in a

I'm living life # I've got my heart Lost generation # I said I'm living

in a # Lost generation # I've got my living, I'm living # I'm living

life, man # Give them what they living, I'm living # I'm living

Give them what they like # Staying in, y'all Staying in, y'all # Once