Episode 2 Staying In with Greg and Russell XL

It's BBC Three's brand-new chat show,

it's bonkers Dizzee Rascal...

Saturday, Rochelle Humes...

And funny man Johnny Vegas.

Welcome to Staying In. Dizzee, what an honour to have you on the show.

No, Greg, you shook the fist!

That's a violation, brother.

Sorry. He shook the fist. I'm sorry,

Johnny Vegas. Yeah. What a legend.

Nice to meet you, Johnny. Cheers. And also, Rochelle, welcome.

Oh, for Christ's sake, Greg. JOHNNY: It's just like being at home!

..people think that's such an obvious joke they're not laughing.

What they don't realise is the fridge has just genuinely broken.

A glass of champers for you.

Do I look like that kind of girl?

Johnny, we tried to get some

Well, it was one of the first drinks

you know, in a pop bottle. Draught?

There's something about sherry more

Walking around with this? Yes. "It makes the fat man thin!"

I drank a gallon of that earlier, as research, and now I've got the runs.

What is your favourite drink?

I order pineapple mixed with

I'll just check the fridge(!)

you've recently had a baby.

Cheers to that. I can drink again. A lot of my friends are dropping,

types of mums, the mums that never

And the mum that goes, "He's two

Are you somewhere in between? Are you getting nights off?

I freak out unless it's my mum or my mother-in-law looking after her,

I sort of freak out with anyone

She's like, "Rochelle, I did go

Dare we ask about Marvin himself?

off chicken korma for life.

He's really good, actually, in fairness to him. He's good.

and you go, "It's not right!

"Look at the way the head is!

a newborn baby where I think the

They've got the soft bit in the

You're not holding my baby.

but we got one. It is a cute

I've got friends. I don't do that with them! Yeah. The joke is,

It's the next natural step, really.

Dizzee, do you baby-sit? Are you a good baby-sitter? Not really, no.

If you left me with the kids,

I'll tell you something quite inspiring, for a lot of the ladies,

is how Marvin found you quite hot when you were up the duff. A lot of

"You won't fancy me when I'm pregnant!" He just said it cos the

cos we've got a gorgeous picture

I met my wife, and she googled me and that popped up, and she's like,

"I think you've made a huge

you're knackered, and I had my top

Rochelle, we've got to say massive congratulations to you and your boy,

he's just got the gig on The Voice.

Dizzee, you did Must Be The Music. Did you find it hard to judge people?

It's better to give feedback.

I didn't like when I had to tell people they weren't that good.

You've worked with will.i.am.

She still calls him Will 1am.

He's a bit of a legend. He is.

I've been in the studio with him

but we didn't finish the song.

"I don't like to be one of those and then goes to another room.

and he went to the other room.

where we started and where we are.

Dizzee, one of your first jobs was

putting letters in envelopes. It was like labouring. It was crap.

We've done that. Have you done

Johnny, what were some of your first jobs? I had a few. I worked in Argos

No... Sorry to cut you, but... I've not been in there for years.

Do you remember getting the thing

and your mum's like "You can have

Well, I can pull it back for you cos I used to have nosebleeds

And there'd be people downstairs, It's a fucking extension lead!

Didn't you want to be a priest

I went away to train for the priesthood. You didn't? Oh, my God.

all the wrong things you've done.

It's not a problem you can't

because have a look at this.

Look at those trousers.

After that somebody came on and

a pop star? A priest? No...

No, I did actually. Always.

sort of selling tickets to my mum.

Doing a gig in the kitchen?

How old were you in S Club Juniors,

Would you like to relive the magic? I really wouldn't, so please.

# One step closer to heaven, baby,

Sit anywhere you like. Take a seat.

Deckchairs are a good look for me.

I'm not going to Instagram it now.

Can you get a picture of us three?

I'll photo-bomb in the background. Wait there. Go on the swing, Johnny.

if it wasn't for Dizzee Rascal

Greg even had to do work experience

It was hell. But you look like you're having a lot of fun in this video.

# ..And I like it funky... # Order!

Surely there must be some more

Oh, yes, there are, my Lord.

# I love it when the bad girls

How did you get Jon Snow to do that?

Do you know what's mad? I turned up

No-one told me he was going to be

Oh, no, he ain't on the album.

Now, who would be your ultimate collaboration? Give us some names.

Right now, um, I quite like

I listened to her album recently. She's great. A wicked album.

What about Tom Jones? Cos I've been doing my reading! Do you know what?

but I'd just like to sit down

I've been on a plane with him and heard a few stories. Have you?

What about the guys in the headlines this week? Kanye West - would you ever want to collaborate with him?

He's crazy to watch on interviews.

Did you hear his interview this week?

And he said, the quote was, "I'm the biggest rock star on the planet."

The biggest rock star on the planet?

I know Michael Buble was very upset.

I don't know, I've never seen him

What about Robbie? Are you a fan of

Yeah. He's a good dude to sit down

He's actually all right. He's cool.

Yeah, we made a video. We shot it in

That's the Mayor of Dalston.

Does he get up and have Coco Pops

Do you know what? He's like a really

in a very...amazing, like, movie That's what his house is like.

He's got a posse. He's got his wife

No way. He does this radio show every day. I've never heard you say

"Summon my posse immediately!"

He used to hang around with Tupac, and you'd never imagine that.

"How do you feel about...?" Just...

Well, you know what? I mean... Why don't you just have done with it

because that was... You can't after a conversation like that, can you?

I want one of those monkeys.

What? My... DEEP VOICE: ..monkey?

So many people come up and go,

And you go... DEEP VOICE: OK.

My little lad, when I used to drop

"No, the one where you live

the nature of a puppet, and then

he gets the bit where, "No, it's

You're making some cool videos

but me and Greg just wondered why...

we were cut from the final version.

Let's have a look at the uncut version. I think we nailed it.

# Every day's a never-ending

# Effortlessly power steering accurately ready for action

# Every day's a never-ending

you always lording it up like that?

said that his favourite moment was when Prince William lent over

to him and said that you were the Queen's favourite act...

In fact, we've actually got proof that she enjoyed the performance.

Now, Diz, we couldn't help but notice in that video you were absolutely

incredible at throwing a pineapple over your head into a bucket.

Do you want to have a go, Johnny?

Bucket's on the pool table.

and I've just smashed a phone booth and the police are pulling up.

to hit the bin. Are you ready?

See, Johnny, this is the life, right? This is quality. Quality time.

I've fished for years - all my life.

I'm on a caster-maggot mix.

Just in case, we brought some of

I thought it was pilau rice. I dunked a bhaji in it. You know what you've to do on a cold day?

so when you put them on the hook

and you put them in the water,

you had quite a creative way

Yeah. You get a bit of carcass from

and I stuck it in the outside loo

and waited for the flies to come.

I'll harvest me own maggots!"

But nobody every used the outside

Me dad went in one day for a shit and he ran out like Michael Caine in

There was, like, 1,000 bluebottles

pants-round-the-ankles, "Agh!"

We've got one. Mind the magic of...

That is the bra that, one day,

So, you weren't always that adept at handling a bra, were you?

I was never adept with women.

First of all, you used women to

"Right, we're going to be the sexiest damn man in the room."

Well, when I was Michael Pennington,

Because I had this alter ego that was in my head for such a long time,

Johnny was super confident.

but the minute Johnny got out

he couldn't wait to get going.

sponsored me to go to Edinburgh

and I did the heat, got through

pissed up all me money that night,

so I had no money to get drunk

Yeah, I went out as me, as Michael Pennington, and I died on me arse.

It was the worst... Bob Mortimer...

and I walked out and basically

I pulled me notes out from me pocket

"It's a letter off me mum,"

and I thought, "I've turned

It was the quietest five minutes

and that was the night I vowed I'd

telly was on Shooting Stars,

you were always there with a pint,

and that was your thing, but I'm

You were absolutely pissed.

"Do you need us for anything?"

They'd go, "No, just go to the bar. We want you pissed before we start

You were their plaything. I loved it.

"We're going to shoot you with a tranquiliser." "All right, then."

"How was your day at work?"

You can't complain when your dad's just come off a building site

and you're going, "Oh, it was a tough one last night, Dad.

getting off with a girl and something traumatic happened. Yeah.

I'd got off with this girl.

And you think it's dead cute?

Next thing, there's something

"Jesus, she's lost a tooth."

And it was only when I spat it out

Suddenly, I could smell vomit on it

And then I felt this dampness

She hadn't done a beer burp - she'd just pulled me in close

so she could throw up down me back.

and trying to explain to Mum how I'd threw up over me own shoulder.

Greg, is there something floating

Hold that a sec cos it looks gross.

I had a pet rabbit called Blackie.

Had it been allowed, we'd have

..turned up and wiggled his nose,

and I would have known that people

Cos I was going to school one day

"Whose rabbit's going in the pot?"

And I thought he was joking

and I went, "Dad, where's Blackie?"

Somebody must be in trouble.

in a bag to play with, and the tail.

"Christ Almighty, it's like having

And they rang home and they went,

"Do you know your child's got bits of an animal carcass?"

I'm so sorry I brought it up.

That makes it a lot better(!)

fall for a rabbit, they die.

Greg, what did you tune this into?

# When you hear the sirens coming I can hear the sirens coming

# Better run when you hear them

VOICEOVER: Greg FM and Russell FM.

I'm here with Dizzee Rascal,

you're no stranger to pirate radio.

you and I are quite similar.

Some of mine were, too, to be fair.

You must have enjoyed doing

I was still in school, so when I first started I'd go and do it.

I'd have the... One in the morning

like, "Oh, did you hear it?"

But then I'd work my way up to

if you hadn't got into music?

What were your other passions

I... You know what? Honestly,

I didn't really have too many

other than maybe athletics.

Don't you...? You like that song,

Who doesn't love Whigfield,

We've got to sort out our radio show. We've got to sort out the playlist.

'Greg and Russell's p-p-p-playlist.'

So, we can only choose one of each

I was wondering if you could help us

The best thing I've seen of his show

and he had a guy dressed in a dog costume. I was there.

He had, like, a 5-ft spliff,

That day, that guy woke up going,

"That's what I'm doing today."

I didn't even know you could

Turn up at the party. POSH VOICE:

It's Florence + The Machine

Oh, why are you doing this to me?

They'll collaborate. Exactly.

He did... Tinchy actually said of you that you always stood out.

"Some people stand out without trying, and Dizzee was like that."

You better believe this girl

Now what's your name? Billie.

I'm going to connect you to Dizzee. You're a big fan, aren't you?

a question to ask him. I have.

Dizzee, can you hear us on the line?

I must ask how much you're worth.

Dress it up, why don't you?

your First Direct statement?"

I'm just going to turn on the

This year, I haven't bought anything too big. I'm stacking for next year.

Who have we got on the line? Peter.

Yes, Liverpool in the house.

What's the most embarrassing thing

..on Instagram, like, virals of people fucking up, basically

and then I thought, "Why don't I find the time I fell off stage?"

And I'm giving everyone permission to go and look at it now and have a

good laugh cos that's definitely the most embarrassing thing that

I was DJing, as well and that was the talk of the night. It was ridiculous.

My arms were like a cartwheel.

What happened? I was introducing

And everything was all popping off.

It was all great and I didn't see

for some reason, even though

Can I have your permission to show it to the nation? Go through, man.

Do you want a hand with that wire?

Have you got a question for Dizzee? I have, yeah. Hello, is that Dizzee?

whether I should just put them

Because I've heard there might be

And obviously I want a ripe

Oh, you really want an answer? Yeah.

compost or a bone meal mix?

You sound like you've got all

What's your favourite karaoke song?

go for I Will Survive. Nope.

THE best karaoke song ever,

This is where all the magic happens.

Rochelle, you're a new mum.

Greg and I are going to attempt

sleep by reading you a story.

In this story, there are some blanks

based on the knowledge you have of each other from tonight's show.

Once upon a time there lived

were in a band called the Saturdays.

They were called Rochelle...

..Maggie Philbin, Chris Tarrant

Noel Edmonds was in the Saturdays.

way more hilarious than her husband,

But Rochelle was a bit grossed out by the most outrageous thing

he's ever done, which is...?

Is it something on stage you normally wouldn't do on stage?

to the toilet on stage? You didn't.

Did you really? I did, but...

I had a guy come in reviewing me

"Are you the comedy reviewer?"

"No, I normally do the pet shows."

I went, "Are you kidding?" He went,

a joke I squeezed out the tiniest...

The Beast asked Beauty to marry him

They lived happily ever after.

Thanks very much for staying

We'll have more amazing guests coming over simply to stay in.

it's the wonderful Dizzee Rascal.

You all discovered my name is

# Every day's a never-ending

# Leather extra crispy, effortlessly

# Steer clear of the rat trap

# Some say that I lack tact

and that's what's happening

# Every day's a never-ending

# Everyday life can't stress me

# Stay on the ball like Messi

# Money and women are the only

and all the girls wanna check me

# How much do you want to bet me

# I ain't gotta talk no more

# Cos soon as I walk in the door

calling for, been balling for?

stays up in the morning for

# I got the flow and I've got the dough and money to blow

# And this ain't a slow jam, ready to rock and I'm ready to roll

# Never gonna get caught slipping Never gonna get caught tripping

# Never too soft on the women

# If it ever gets too hot in the

# I ain't gonna stand there

# Every day's a never-ending

# International, flex and go

# When I'm at home, I stay low

# When I'm cutting the cheques

# I'll leave you breathing slow

# Every day's a never-ending