Episode 3 Staying In with Greg and Russell XL

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

The BBC Three chat show based

'Joining us tonight, a Girl very much Aloud, Kimberley Walsh.

'Scissor Sister Ana Matronic.

'"Oh, my God!" It's Stacey Solomon,

'Pocket movie star Warwick Davis

to perform his latest single.'

Let's hear it for our wonderful

And the big news tonight, Russell... Yeah? ..It's ladies' night!

Welcome, wonderful guests, how are you? We're great. We're good.

we have one very special surprise.

Because it is ladies' night, I have a special surprise for you,

I like to think your first name

because you're so "N"-ticing!

Don't look directly into it.

It was our little "welcome" treat.

Thanks, bro, nice to meet you.

From Green Boys, everybody!

First of all, how wonderful

Welcome. Do you like our pad?

For you, Stace, we've brought rings.

If only I hadn't ate dinner, I would wolf 'em down in a second.

On a girls' night in, we sit round and talk about relationships.

That's how I did it with my husband. We've been together for ten years

and it was seven and he asked me.

I feel like that might be the way

We try to keep the fire alive, yeah.

You just kind of do different things

If I get in and I have a bath run with candles, I'm happy with that.

romantic bath, is your other half

What are the plans for the wedding?

He wanted a red-and-white wedding.

A what? I said, "I don't think so."

An Arsenal wedding, imagine.

or someone, walking round...

You don't want to end up on your wedding day covered in SEAMAN.

So what does Scissor Sisters mean?

It's not like you were into hobbies

before you were into music.

It's specifically a sexual position, so we've got two ladies and they...

Oh. If that phrase is known,

everyone in the band is gay?

"I'm going to make you an offer

I'm like, "Really?" And she said,

"You can come home with me and my girlfriend and watch us have sex."

that I was married to a man.

Russell's not even in a band and everyone thinks he's gay.

All right, Greg, don't flag it up.

that's a thing in America. Is it?

I think it's the best. Everybody

You were a drag queen dancer,

When I lived in San Francisco,

I think we should have a look

Oh, wow! Interestingly enough,

Do I ask the stupid question - what happens on blowjob night?

Who's there with a little beaker

Yeah, they spunked into plastic

Holding it up. It's so weird.

Stacey, I'll show you things

to make the best drag queen

really great Fellini-inspired look.

You've got the big features

on his face, I'm not going to lie.

I'm both turned on and hurt.

How could we match those up?

More cushion for the pushin'!

Kimberley, you've got Twitter pages

some odd ones I caught Greg

we knew you were on the show.

Why didn't you have any clothes on?

not necessarily always very good!

have let them put that on."

in January, when we started

They start to fantasise about relationships between band members.

This happens quite a lot. Kimberley, you know what a Chim is? I do.

Explain a Chim. What's a Chim?

being Cheryl, and Kim, "Chim".

It started that, you know, a lot of the fans just liked our friendship

and they saw us doing a lot of stuff

And they wanted to see you do

Then it went to THAT level, exactly.

and we had Kylie Minogue on stage,

and I gave her a quick kiss

I'm somewhere, Malta or something,

and they're like, "We heard you shared a lesbian kiss with Kylie."

All they need is a little something

Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles.

which is like Larry Stylinson.

Oh. Let's have a look at some of this fan art that they've done.

That's the sort of thing...

We thought that was quite touching, so we actually commissioned

I had to stop halfway through

because I snapped my crayon

you got a nice set! There, I have.

Is he doing rehearsals again? Yeah.

I know that... First class. What are you doing in here?

rounding up his Knights of the Round Table to seek the Holy Grail,

That's obviously not the real one.

You're 3' 6". Yeah. What's the best thing about being 3' 6"?

I cannot imagine what it would be like to squash into an airline seat

I can't imagine what that'd be like. Every seat is business class.

It is for me. You may have noticed I've put a few of these cloches out.

You've added into my set a little bit, a sort of medieval feast.

What do you reckon that might

Of course, you famously played Wicket

I was 11, OK? So imagine that,

and then to get the opportunity

And something else amazing.

What was the character you played?

I played Professor Flitwick.

expelliarmus in your private life?

No, not in my private life.

I said expelliarmus once during sex.

I was buckarooed off straight

You've got such a ridiculously famous

Who's the most famous contact

It's probably Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp on speed dial? Depp's in there.

No. You haven't accidentally texted

If I write a text to my wife and

"Oh!" and you worry you might have sent it to somebody else.

It was meant for my partner.

You know, like a filthy menu

oiled up as a Greek soldier.

I'll leave out the middle bit,

"..and that's how we'll invade Troy."

I believe there's one cloche

on my head. I think this is

Thanks so much for letting me

Yeah, I need to get on with some rehearsals now, actually.

Right, of course, would be.

All right. Thank you. Good luck.

Got it for you, Greg. Here you go. Yeah! Signed and everything.

He didn't seem very happy about it.

Look, Colin's dressed as Yoda.

Why are you trying to show off? Oh!

I have, yeah. What's your dog?

Oh, look at this. Oh! All right.

Russell's very proud of his dog,

of something else, aren't you?

Yeah, why don't you go and show them what I'm proud of, Greg.

What was your specialist subject?

Russell, yours? The life and works of Evelyn Waugh, the novelist.

so very much an Inbetweener.

Let's do it. Yeah. Let's play

Stacey Solomon, you have an allotted time to answer questions

on your chosen, specialist subject of Stacey Solomon, starting...

where are you from?

Dagenham. Correct.

have accepted "Dogenham".

would admit to that.

# Whoa, whoa, oh-oh

Peter Andre?

Correct. Did he?

Next question, did you ever snog Olly Murs?

No!

No, I didn't. Didn't you, you slag?!

Colin, you're so rude! And no!

Next question...

where you worked aged 15.

Oh My Cod is correct!

Just stop the clock a second.

everyone's done and where was it?

Really boring offshore hedge funds

everything except shovelling shit.

COLIN: I can shovel shit quite well.

Um, yeah. I worked from like age 13,

Yeah, Oh My Cod's pretty good.

But all my family was like, "Ugh!

Did you get blokes coming in to ask

they'd go, "Don't bother. You stick of fish." No-one asked me out anyway

COLIN: Ana Matronic. Hello.

Come on. Hi. Oh, I like your hands.

You'd look good in drag, too.

Right... Oh, let's hope his lipstick

Oh. OK, that's enough. It's freaking me out. I'm getting worried.

Colin, why are you such a weirdo?

COLIN: Next question.

play in The Inbetweeners?

Right - Neil...

No. No, I know he isn't.

Give me the first letter. W.

Come on, I'm getting itchy here, give me an answer.

What's his real name?

losing the will to live.

Losing the "Will" to live.

Will! Correct.

I've started so I'll finish.

Colin, we've already finished.

Let's go and watch some telly,

I had something thrown at my hand.

of the whole night and we all

I went to try this ghost hunting

by the fact that the person

trying to call the spirits was from Birmingham. She was like...

"Have got the spirit, please?

"Can you please come forward?

"Can I sense a spirit, please?

Like that, and it was just too funny. You can't take it seriously.

I haven't, but my mother has.

and she said she looked over once and there was a man and a woman

and a creature that she wasn't sure if it was a monkey or a dog.

Imagine if we could be ghosts.

Who would you go and haunt?

Let's talk reality shows, OK?

So, Kimberly, Strictly Come Dancing, you must have enjoyed that?

though, it's freaking me out.

Is it weird seeing your partner

I don't like it. Oh, Rachel Riley.

I feel really territorial. I saw you last year when I was doing it.

Are you jealous of her? Her hands

did he get jealous of your closeness

because it's really intense.

Did you want him to get a bit

to sit back and let me get on with it but he knows I'm just dancing.

No, he enjoyed it. It should

You're a massive Beyonce fan

Yes, I'm a bit obsessed with her.

So, did you have to watch over and over again to get the moves?

because we were doing salsa

I had to hold it back and that's

No, I do love her. Didn't you go off and see her recently in Vegas?

just a little quick detour to see her, before we went on a night out.

Were you tempted just to do the whole routine? I was tempted.

I was a little bit tempted.

We were pretty much dancing

and singing along at the top

but, thankfully, everyone was

You were 19 when you started that.

Is it still right in your memory?

I ever did and I absolutely loved it

and I don't think I'll ever forget it unless I go senile when old.

It's just like they make it

At first, you're in a room, then

What are they trying to do to us

That seat thing, how they bump one of, that's so cruel, I think.

It's like musical chairs, but worse.

"God, I'm going to have a heart

because Popstars: The Rivals was so huge, that show, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was like Pop Idol,

traumatic as well, I have to say.

I really did struggle with it.

It made singing become something it had never been to me before.

I had only ever known singing

and you get that nice feeling and then suddenly it was like,

"I'm not good enough to," or

so I found it quite a tough

but obviously we were really lucky and we had an amazing career

out of it, so I would never change

So you experienced the full feeling of rejection? Yeah, I did.

You had the chair, in a way.

I went back to work at the diner I was working at and it was weird.

"Actually, you are in the house

so it was just like really...

like I've got nothing to lose

views on Simon Cowell, haven't you?

He's comes across... I think Henry VIII was a lot like Simon Cowell.

I think because he's not really a performer, that there is maybe

some of the other judges, who have

been performers and know what

You only had lovely things to say...

our mental, then-to-be manager

and we finished the competition

He was a bit more hands-off,

disappeared. It's chaos, isn't it?

We didn't know any different,

so we just called the record company about everything direct which

obviously is not really the

"Can you take this pee sample to the doctor's?" It was ridiculous.

It was getting out of control.

It's in the book. It was pretty

We've all got problems, but today,

with the help of you guys in the studio, I'm going to solve them.

Has anyone got any problems

Madam, have you got a problem?

And what's your name? Cynthia.

Cynthia, you look like a Cynthia.

Well, I'm only attracted to really bad, violent people.

to bad, violent personalities.

Anyone in the studio got any advice?

Why do girls go through this

What's it all about? Well, she's still in that phase - Cynthia.

I think usually it is a phase and then you switch to the other side.

I always went for nice guys.

What about you? Have you had some

Oh, that's cute. Tall, dark and nerdy. What about medium height?

Cheryl doesn't exactly date angels,

Every relationship that you have

Cynthia needs to switch to the good side now. Don't leave it too long.

I would maybe recommend she try

Yeah, she's putting it out there.

She could be a scissor sister.

Oh! Well, most lesbians, to be fair,

and then they never have sex again.

it was the oven. Is it ready?

You know - men, when they love

If it's two women together, they probably just talk a lot.

Emotional sex - "I feel bad."

Hey, stop everything...it's Stacey's birthday, everybody!

Make a wish, blow them out.

a lot of hairspray on. Be careful.

It's like two cakes in one!

it's been lovely chatting to you.

Would you mind all popping upstairs for a quickie in the bed with me?

Wait, wait, wait. What you doing?

Conor Maynard's in the toilet.

I'm going to take him a bit of cake,

Hey, Conor... Oh, hey, whoa.

in the toilet, but it's all good.

If you just push this... Yeah.

still have one nut hanging out

so I'm going to let you... Oh, no, that's a bit of cake, it dropped...

Sorry, Conor, see you later,

Sorry about that. I had to give Conor

We were just having a little girly slumber, the sleepover.

You know when you're staying over

OK, let's play Truth or Dare.

So, spin the serving spoon.

Yeah. Whatever it lands on,

Russell's phone over there - and you'll get a juicy truth. OK.

If it lands on a dare, then my special horror phone will call

one of the audience and get a dare.

Let's do it, spin that wheel, baby.

Due to the fact that your arm is

Right, yo. What's your name? Chris.

My dare is for Ana. I dare Ana to take a piece of clothing off.

Something's going on. She's doing it.

Have you ever weed in a swimming pool? Truth, please. Everyone wees...

Doesn't everyone wee in the pool?

Wait, hold on. If the toilet's

No-one'll know. They always say

The dare was for Kimberley to strip.

I'm going to double dare that,

AUDIENCE: Strip! Strip! Strip!

Thanks very much for staying in

Thanks for watching.

Are you crazy? Are you crazy?

# Must be stupid if you think

# Are you joking? Must be joking You ain't laughin', I ain't smokin'

# Must be crazy if you think

# There ain't no need to cry no more

# I'll pick up the pieces you left

# If you think I'm coming back

cos I'm breakin' up with ya

# Shoulda' hooked up with your sister Go now, here's my middle finger

Are you crazy? Are you crazy?

# Must be stupid if you think

# Are you joking? Must be joking You ain't laughin', I ain't smokin'

# Must be crazy if you think

# Now I know that she wants me back

# Nothing sounds more better than

cos I'm breakin' up with ya

# Love me now, my name is bigger

# Girl, I'm giving you the finger

# Are you joking? Must be joking

# Must be crazy if you think

# No, no, no, no, no, no, no

so why are you tryin' to play me?

Are you crazy? Are you crazy?

# Must be stupid if you think

# Are you joking? Must be joking

# Must be crazy if you think

# Hit the road, Jack, Jack. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd