Episode 4 Staying In with Greg and Russell XL

Tonight on Staying In With Greg Russell - foul-mouthed Geordie

and Celebrity Big Brother winner Charlotte Crosby...

I had sex just before I came here.

..star of Bad Education - posh funnyman Jack Whitehall..

He has a family, that guy!

..clubland queen Katy B... He was like, "Get out!"

And we were, like, singing in his face.

..and Jackass prankster Johnny Knoxville.

Yes, I broke my penis. There, it happened.

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Aaay!

Hiya. Hiya.

Hi, everybody. GIRLS: Hi.

Jack, hey, over here.

Mate, treating this like The Voice - I only turn round

if I like what I hear.

LAUGHTER

What's the first question? Do you want a drink? Oh, yes, actually

I'll get you a drink. A little champers for you.

Welcome to our pad. Are you enjoying it? It's nice! Lovely.

It makes us feel very comfortable, mind.

Yeah? Apart from the camels are freaking us out a bit.

Why, does it make you think about your leggings being too tight? LAUGHTER

I normally get camel toe.

Katy, we've got you a nice rum cocktail. Oh, my favourite.

I know what you're like, your reputation,

there's an orange squash for you. Are you kidding us?

Know you're doing the non-drinking thing, so we didn't want to...

lead you off the... LAUGHTER

Only joking. YES! In a bucket?

GEORDIE ACCENT: We got you a great big bucket of slop, man.

CHEERING

We did want to serve the Geordie serving

but the BBC wouldn't let us do it for health and safety,

but we went to the trouble of ordering the Geordie version

Stick it in, man. Is this an actual straw? Don't drink it!

Are you kidding us?! That looks like toilet water!

That's because Greg used it for colonic irrigation earlier.

Has it actually got alcohol in Give it a go.

No, don't because it is clashing with my spray tan.

So anyway, so nice to have you all on the show,

so nice to have you in our little house.

Are you a good housemate, Katy B? What are you like to live with

SHE SIGHS

I don't... I've only ever lived with my family and on my own, so...

And the reason why I live on my own is because I am very messy.

Do you leave a trail of outfit from where you've come in through the front?

I often wake up and it's like I ve melted in the hallway, just everything I was in...

The shape of me just like that

I always manage to take all my clothes off...

Don't, I've got a boner. Stop. Give me a second.

Jack, we have stereotypes, we imagine you living...

Do you sort of close one wing of the house down to avoid mess

No...

I live with a man who's very practical.

He's my flatmate, he's a builder, so he does all the man's tasks

and I feel so emasculated every day.

I can't do anything.

I went to buy paint from Homebase, and I found the event so stressful

that I got a migraine and had to go and lie down on garden furniture.

You're very similar like that, aren't you? Can you change a tyre?

Put a shelf up? I can't do anything, I'd love to be like that.

That's why you work as a couple

because you're the perfect blend of silk and steel.

Sexuality and practicality.

You would hold the girl close and talk to her about her feelings,

and Greg could bleed the radiator.

Dressed in cricket gear.

With that shirt,

you do look quite like a dad on a sun date this evening.

You could walk a dog... That is really nice.

You lived with your mum and dad till quite recently,

because you had the sort of career really taking off

but still living with your mum and dad, which is quite rare.

What was that like?

It wasn't ideal at times.

You know, I was trying to be kind of rock 'n' roll and stuff

because I tried to be really rebellious when I was living at home

and it was so pathetic. I remember I bought a leather jacket

and I thought it was the coolest thing ever

because I'd be walking around in my leather jacket,

"Look at him, he's dangerous, he's wearing a leather jacket.

I took it off once, at home, I put it on the sofa.

My mum got hold of it and put a name tape inside it.

LAUGHTER

Really defeats the object.

Now, we have to ask about your house habits, because you

are a professional housemate, having won Celebrity Big Brother!

CHEERING Thanks, everyone. Thanks.

Well played. Thanks. You've lived in two houses on TV - for TV.

The Geordie Shore house, the Big Brother house, how do they compare?

Totally different.

The Geordie Shore house,

you could walk along and it's like...an environment of pure sex.

You've got like a condom with maybe some sperm in.

And a cock in it, often.

Maybe, yeah, exactly. One side you've got some knickers.

Probably got discharge in.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Everyone gets a bit of dissy!

LAUGHTER

My God. Yeah, you do, everyone gets it sometimes.

It's a normal thing for a girl

You should have done Through The Keyhole instead of Keith Lemon

"Discharge knickers, who would live in a house like this?"

LAUGHTER

What was the worst thing about it?

Apart from all the bodily fluids,

what was the most difficult thing emotionally and relationship-wise?

Which one? Geordie Shore house That mean old Gaz, eh?

Probablys. Oh, that heartbreaker. And all the lads together.

But, yeah, him. He wears it as a badge of honour though,

"Oh, I've got a degree in banging birds."

How about studying and getting a degree in treating them well

What a good man, Jack. Now, Jack...

I find it hard to talk about this, it's not that I'm jealous...

Oh, yeah, I knew this would come up. Russell is jealous.

No, because, Greg is MY friend. .

LAUGHTER

He just hangs out with you now

You have to just accept he sees other comedians. I know

We did have the best holiday ever...in Ibiza.

It was pretty amazing.

It was really lovely. We have some photographs.

LAUGHTER

Can we just say that's a night and you can buy those?

We didn't come out to Ibiza with those vests.

There was one thing I wanted to bring up about the holiday,

which is, er...you were doctor.. at one point on that holiday.

I'll just say, "Jellyfish," to you.

I can't tell that story on here

Can you not? Yeah, you can.

Well, my friend, um...got stung by some jellyfish.

Male or female? What, the jellyfish? I couldn't...

Oh, the friend, was a, was a...chap.

He was in need. He was in need so I... Pissed on him. Yeah.

Obviously on the sting. Where was the sting?

On his face - no, no...

It wasn't! It was on his leg, a bit on his foot, I wee'd on it.

That's fine then.

KATY: Does that even work though JACK: Apparently that's rubbish.

It's like an old wife's tale.

I thought it worked at the time then afterwards I asked,

"How does it feel?" He went, "It just makes it smelly now."

We have... We may have a photograph.

LAUGHTER Oh, my God!

Don't put that on!

That was a... Stitch-up.

I was doing a good deed!

He has a family, that guy!

Get it down. Oh, my God.

Now, Charlotte, you're no stranger to getting drunk, are you?

We've got a picture of you after BB.

LAUGHTER

We had to crop out the picture of the man behind you.

That was the morning after I wee'd myself.

That's a common occurrence, pissing the bed?

Yeah, and looking like that too

But do you watch yourself? Geordie Shore, I watch 'em all the time

But have you ever watched anything and just gone,

"Oh, my God, that's too much, too far"?

Take that as a no.

I don't ever feel like anything's real.

I feel like I live in a dream.

It's an interesting idea. (It's time to wake up.)

Jack, have you got calendars out? No calendars.

I was sent a calendar by... Do you know who has?

Charlotte. Oh, really? This is a great calendar.

Look at that, she has got her own calendar out, ladies and gentlemen.

August. How about that? What was it like doing that?

I hate it. I feel so uncomfortable when I have to do things like that,

because I am not sexy at all. I beg to differ. Look at August

Let's have a look at... Are you only allowed to show August?

No, no, no, don't go to the next page. Don't go to September.

It's too late. It's just that.. Oh, my God.

I have cut the eyes out of September.

Why have you cut the eyes out of September?!

Because I like Greg to look through the eyes.

Greg pretends to be...

It's just one eye! You just look like you have got a lazy eye.

That's horrible!

You're like a Geordie Mona Lisa

I think you were always destined to be in a calendar

because we have seen this one of you practising earlier in life.

What the hell? Where the hell did you get that picture from? Oh, God!

I look so different! That's what happens when you grow up.

I look better there.

Your contact with feminism started quite early, didn't it?

I look better there I think. You were about eight.

Yeah, I wish I was eight again Life was so much more fun.

Did your friend forget her name quite a lot,

is that why she has it...

Can we dare move to the lounge What do you reckon? Let's do it

Shall I take me bucket? Yeah, take it.

GEORDIE ACCENT: Sling your bucket.

Mum. Ladies and gentleman, my mum's in the lounge. Mum, stop cleaning.

Sorry, it's my mum.

APPLAUSE

Cos we rent the flat from Greg's mum and dad

and my mum just cleans it now and again.

Mum, you're not in this bit... That's not your actual mum?!

It's my actual mum, cleaning. Sorry. More like sister!

Tell Jack to stop flirting with my mum.

HE RETCHES

Now, Jack, you do a lot of projects around education - Bad Education,

Fresh Meat, and it made me wonder what all of us were like at school.

Jack, we all went to different schools,

you went to boarding school - you can't tell.

Charlotte, you went to Catholic school - you can't tell.

And, Katy, you went to the music academy Brit School.

CHEERING

Let's talk about R Patz, Jack. Yes. Famous schoolmate or what

He was.

I went to this tiny school in London and it had like, obviously, a

drama teacher like any other school

but it didn't have a particularly big drama department.

Had R Patz, Tom Hardy and the amazing Rory Kinnear

all in consecutive years that went to this tiny school.

We have actually got a picture of the school.

There is me at school with him

All the other people...

Those aren't blurred out. They had those faces those people.

It's really weird, there was this epidemic that went round..

Which one is him? That is R Patz

at the front and Jack at the back.

The geeky thing with stupid

buck teeth and glasses.

That is bully fodder right there.

What do you make of R Patz though? Are you a fan of his?

I did some stuff in my shows kind of mocking him

but he is a nice enough chap, isn't he?

There's worse people out there

Was he sort of Gothy and moody or was he upbeat and zany

He was like...what's his face,

I'm pretending like I haven't seen the films,

He was a very successful, accomplished young pupil and

was in all the school plays and very charming and polite and very nice.

Katy, the Brit School - pressure.

Famously spawned people like Adele, Amy Winehouse.

Who was in your year - anyone?

Chico from the X Factor.

Jessie J was in the year above

Were you well-behaved

when you were at school or were you a bit of a troublemaker?

I was sort of a bit of both.

I got banned from the canteen cos I was singing

En Vogue, Don't Let Go, standing on tables.

And then there was this cook with a really long beard,

and he came running out with his wooden spoon.

And he was like, "Get out!"

And we were just, like, singing in his face.

And then he was like, "You're barred!"

Did you go to school in the Queen Vic?

You've flirted with music yourself, haven't you, MC Scabby?

Yes... I had...

No, I... I dipped my toe in the hip-hop pool.

It didn't really work out.

I went through a phase when we were at school

and we were kind of 15, 16 and me and all my friends were at this

kind of posh boarding school

and we hated the fact that we were posh

and we wanted to rebel against that, hence the leather jacket

and stuff, and I wanted to become an MC and my friend was an MC,

he was MC Shooter, real name Rupert.

I think he was called MC Shooter

because his father had a very good grouse shoot in Ayrshire,

literally, that ridiculous and we used to go around school

and we used to sometimes have rap battles.

And we once had a rap battle on a hockey pitch which was next

to a beagle lodge. Want to know what a beagle lodge is?

It's where you keep the beagle dogs for a beagle hunt.

I've got 99 problems, but my beagle wasn't one.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So what were you like at school - a naughty student?

I got in trouble a bit, but always for really weird things.

So, the most trouble I ever got in was, we had a school election,

and I really wanted to take part,

but the only party they had available was Veritas

who were the party...

Do you remember Robert Kilroy-Silk?

Really orange guy who did, like, daytime TV.

He was the head of Veritas, so I had to be him in this school election.

So I went off into the local town and bought loads

and loads of fake tan.

And I applied all this fake tan but I didn't realise fake tan

does that thing where it develops, if you leave it on.

So I didn't wash any of it off and I kept putting it on and going,

"Well, I'm clearly immune to it I need to put more on."

I went to bed looking like Mark Wright,

I woke up looking like Ian Wright.

It got even darker as the day went on, and I ended up going to this

big hustings in front of the whole school, the headmaster,

the local MP had been invited.

I went on stage, and it looked like I had just blacked up.

I got in trouble for...

We've got the e-mail. The e-mail - they sent an e-mail to my parents.

A genuine e-mail from the school.

"Dear Mr and Mrs Whitehall..."

"During the school's recent mock elections,

"Jack took what was clearly intended as a bit of fun a step too far

"and appeared in the Memorial Hall hustings..."

This is the best bit...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's real. That's real.

What did your parents say? My mum was distraught.

My dad was strangely amused.

And at your school, you had quite a few famous alumni as well,

the Middletons.

Yeah, we had P-Middy and K-Middy.

Did you look at the arse, then

Tell you what, my only encounter with Pippa Middleton,

seriously, was that she was a very, very accomplished hockey player

with a wonderful turn of pace.

So we used to go and watch her play hockey.

And at no point did my eyes wander towards her buttocks.

Speaking of royals, you fancy Prince Harry, don't you?

No, I do not fancy Prince Harry

Why not? Where have you got this from?

That stupid article in the newspaper?

Cos that was a lie. There's no royals you fancy?

No, I don't want to have sex with any royalties.

I have a boyfriend,

who I'm very happy with, having sex with. OK.

I had sex just before I came here.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Can I just say, we do not have the budget left to clean that taxi.

It's all right, he drives it.

Your mum's back.

Oh. Have you found Russell's magazines?

Greg, while we were in the lounge, we've been talking so long

we've forgotten Johnny Knoxville's in the spare room.

You need to go and interview him, now. I'm busy. I've got stuff to sort out.

Mum, I've got a favour to ask.

Can you interview Johnny Knoxville in the spare room for me?

Who's Johnny Knoxville? It doesn't matter.

Is he the man who hurts himself That's the one, yeah.

Can you do an interview? SIGHING: Yeah, all right.

Nice one, Mum.

Oh, Mum, just take these, ask these questions,

and keep it natural, yeah?

Go on. See you later. My mum, ladies and gentlemen.

Hi. Very nice to meet you.

Hello. How are you? Nice to meet you.

Have you been mucking around? What's wrong with your hand?

I was high on ecstasy at a frat house,

minding my own business.

Someone dosed a beer with X and I drank it.

Maybe you shouldn't leave your drink lying around, then. Yeah.

So what's Bad Grandpa about, then?

It has all the pranks and stunts of a Jackass film,

but this has a narrative.

I get a kid at a funeral

and I have to get him across the country

to a family member, to his father.

So is that you, in the picture there? Yeah.

I took three hours every day in the make-up chair

to turn into Irving Zisman.

That's as long as my Russell takes in the morning.

What with the make-up and all the hair palaver.

Sure.

It's says here something about playing a clip.

Well, let's have a look at this clip, I'm sure it's wonderful.

Grandpa, look at that ride! Can I go ride it?

Yes.

Scram. Thank you.

Ah, what's your name?

Gloria.

Grandpa? What? This thing doesn't work.

What do you want me to do about it?

Fix it!

Can't you see I was talking to a lady?

Yes, but... Look. Did you put money in there?

Gah...

Try it, it doesn't work. Oh, God.

Ow.

That looks like a really funny film.

I can tell by that reaction you re in stitches, you really enjoyed it.

Not really.

Sorry.

So does your character like an older lady?

Oh, yes, Irving loves older ladies.

Do you have a taste for older ladies?

Uh, no, I'm... I have a taste for my wife.

So, uh, you know.

Did you have an accident where you hurt your you know what?

Are you trying to get to me breaking my penis?

Yes, OK, your penis.

Yes, I broke my penis.

There. It happened.

My Russell once had an accident down there,

but we don't really talk about it.

Yeah.

You must have lots of doctors on speed dial.

I mean, this is...

That is all doctors right down that page.

Thank you very much for your time, Mr Knoxville.

And goodbye. All right.

APPLAUSE

That was a good interview. That was all right.

A great interview, nice work, Mum.

So our night of spontaneous entertainment continues.

We are going to explore everyone's accent skills.

How do you feel about that? Charlotte, you're obviously fluent

in Geordie, you have to be.

Katy, you speak street and urban in all tenses.

And, Jack, you are obviously, as you have shown, fluent in posh.

Yeah, I also have kind of restaurant street. Yeah, yeah.

Pigeon urban. It's like a dialect of posh you have to learn.

"Have a lasagne, please, mother BLEEP."

People from all over the country have got different ways of saying,

like, "Let's get drunk," as you say, "Getting mortal."

Jack, if you were getting drunk, what would you say? Squiffy or something?

Squiffy? Would you say, "Let's get squiffy, Papa"? No.

I'm going to get drunk with my dad?!

I thought you might have a brandy and discuss UKIP.

"Let's get hooned, Barnabas, come on."

Katy, as you're a bit more street, you would say,

"Me crunk on the herb wine." 'Erb, 'erb wine. 'Erb wine.

Oh, "Me crunk on the 'ERB wine." Have you ever had that herb wine stuff?

Yeah, it is just like Chardonnay, isn't it?

But I would say, "Getting mash up," that's what I would say.

Charlotte, what does "Tache on, mean? Where does it come from?

Vicky, that's Vicky's word.

What, do you mean someone on your show made it up and now people use it?

Apparently, her and her group of friends said it and then

now loads of people say it. It just means having a snog.

Is it because you are wearing them like a tache,

because they are there above your lip? Yes, exactly.

So you would say, "Tache on." Katy, you might say something like,

"Me lick up booty and face."

LAUGHTER

No... I say...erm...

Go on. It is quite similar to, "Tache on." Like, mashing.

Mashing? You say that for everything!

"You mashed... He mashed her."

Everything is quite potato-based then?

And would you get off with two girls at the same time and call it..

Oh, it's going to be, "Jack does it really posh." No, I don't.

I just say what any normal guy my age would say,

"Take off your petticoat, wench and prepare to be conquered."

That is what any guy, any guy would say that, right?

So what we are going to do is try and understand each other a bit better, OK?

What we are going to do is we are going to do a sentence in a dialect

and you must translate what you think that sentence means

and the sentence is about one of you.

So we are going to hand out some answer boards first of all.

Past them round, pass one round to Jack.

I am talking about one of you in this room, OK? But what am I saying?

Anyway. OK, let's see what you've got.

Jack, what do you think I was saying and about whom?

"This woman's father was a miner who lives under

"the bridge by the stream."

That's close. Not bad, what do you think?

"That nice, lad/lass,

"whose father was a blank, blank..."

didn't get them ones,

"..who was a canny good singer and I'm not lying."

She speaks Geordie, she's got it word for word. Yes

Who does that story relate to?

Whose dad was a brilliant singer in the '70s?

"My dad was in Eurovision."

Katy, tell us about it. So I am the winner on that one then?

My dad, he used to have a ginger tache and flares

and he was in a few bands.

Was he Guess Who, the board game?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, he was a singer.

He sang in Eurovision in 1970-something, but for Germany

because he used to live... Is your dad German?

No, he's not German, he just lived there for a while

So it is really random. He is proper London through and through.

'This is Big Greg. Would Jack come to the Diary Room?

'Downstairs toilet.'

Oh!

Off you go, sir.

What happens there?

Oh, is Russell's mum there?

Disgusting.

Hello, Jack, how are you today

Why are you talking like that?

You don't talk like that in real life. Don't put on a voice.

How are you today?

I'm fine. I'm sat in a toilet, it's not great.

I also quite need the loo which is ironic

because this definitely doesn't work.

Why don't you give it a go?

I'm not going to shit on live TV.

Charlotte might.

Charlotte has.

You're used to a household of showbiz people,

do you have pushy parents, Jack

No, I don't.

Is it true they forced you to do ballet?

How do you know all this?

I am Big Greg.

Yes, Greg, we got that.

They didn't force me to do ballet. I learned to do karate

when I was a kid because I really wanted to do karate

because I needed to be able to defend myself on the mean streets of Barnes,

but because my sister was doing ballet lessons,

my mother found it too hard to drive from both of them.

So, basically, one of us had to do what the other one was doing

so it was either my sister doing karate or me doing ballet,

and it ended up with me doing ballet, so I did ballet

and I was damn good at it!

Do you still remember any of your moves?

I remember you had to do the point toe.

And then a turn.

Why don't you show us? Fuck off, Greg.

LAUGHTER

I've been humiliated enough on this show.

You've already shown to the nation a photograph

of me urinating on one of my friends.

There is no way on earth that you are getting me to do ballet

I bet you look good in tights, though. Shut up, Greg.

Please can we bring this interview to a close

with maybe a question that I want to answer?

What's your problem with Michael Fish?

Oh, my God!

What is...?

Michael Fish...

My...

HE LAUGHS

My father thought it appropriate

to once tell me, when he'd had a few too many drinks,

that I was conceived on the night of the Great Storm.

So whenever I see Michael Fish

the weather reporter,

all I can think of

is my conception.

And that's very weird.

I once saw him at the BBC walking down a corridor.

He had no idea who he was but as I crossed him,

clocked his face and realised it was him,

I screamed and ran away.

LAUGHTER

Is it true that gale-force winds make you think of your dad getting

a blow job?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I mean, that's wrong on so many levels.

Mainly, you can't be conceived through a blow job, dickhead.

Trust me, your mum would have so many more siblings

if that was the case.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now look what it's... It's descending into

school-yard tomfoolery and stupidness, Greg!

I'm going to rise above it.

That's what she said!

I didn't want to say that. I didn't even want to say that

but I had to

because you've turned me into this.

I'm your monster, Dr Frankenstein.

Again, that's another thing she used to say to me.

LAUGHTER

Thank you, Jack. You may now rejoin...

HE STUMBLES OVER HIS WORDS

Sorry! You are literally... How are you a radio presenter?

You can't string a sentence together, mate.

Just concentrate.

Think about what you're going to say and then say it.

You're sat on a fake toilet talking to a fucking camera.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Jack, thank you for your time.

Please now rejoin the other housemates.

Urgh...

Well done!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING INTENSIFIES

OK. All right?

I should be very excited to see these two.

Instead, I'm in a bad mood.

Has your relationship with Greg gone stormy?

LAUGHTER

Don't worry, it'll blow over.

Oh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gents, we have some extra special guests today,

stars of Bad Education,

we've got Layton Williams and Nikki Runeckles!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It is a real pleasure to have you on the show.

We love Bad Education. How good is Bad Education, everybody?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The second series just finished on BBC Three

but you're coming back for a Christmas episode and stuff.

What is it like working with this guy?

Fun. Yeah? I think it's just fun.

No jokes.

Your part's getting bigger in the third series. Yours...

No, no, it's real great.

For the people who haven't seen it,

you play a teacher, you're the students.

That's the set-up.

Working with a comedian, is he often ad-libbing

and throwing you off-course?

Yes.

Yeah, you do. Yeah, we add stuff.

That's why it's quite fun writing it as well,

because the script is always changing

and it can do because I'm there

so I often listen to what those guys are talking about.

There was one day on set when I was listening over

to them having a conversation.

It was the day that Margaret Thatcher died.

And he came onto the set and he was so emotional.

He was like, "Oh, my God, babes Oh, my God, babes."

Is that a good impression?

No, shit. He always goes American, slightly.

I don't know why, cos in my head you're American.

IN AMERICAN ACCENT: "Oh, my God I'm so upset about Maggie Thatcher."

And someone went, "Why are you sad about Maggie Thatcher?

"Were you a big fan of Maggie Thatcher?"

And he just turned round, deadly serious, like,

"No Maggie Thatcher, no Billy Elliot."

LAUGHTER

"Oh, that's straight in!"

APPLAUSE

Let's have a little look at some of the last series of Bad Education.

You do realise, if Abbey Grove shuts down,

you'll all have to go to St Edward's.

THEY GASP

The only school below us on the league table.

If I go to St Edward's,

the only theatre I'll end up in is an operating one.

St Edward's not that bad, babe Dean Gaffney went there.

Dean Gaffney? We need to raise some money!

I could do a kiss and tell, sir, on this guy I'm seeing. Yeah.

With the best will in the world Chantelle, I doubt that

Haroon from WH Smith's is going to sell that many papers.

APPLAUSE

I'll be careful how I phrase this. Your character...

How can I put it politely? ..is flirtatious.

A slut.

LAUGHTER

It's a very multilayered, multifaceted character!

Obviously, we know that you're

a fine actor in Bad Education as Alfie Wickers,

but we have some of your earlier work we'd like to show you.

It's often overlooked, the earlier work, isn't it? Absolutely.

Like Coldplay's first album. Often the best. Let's have a look at this.

That animal is a menace.

He's not, he's a rabbit.

Mick's got something he wants to show you upstairs.

Oh, wonderful.

Remember, Atilla the Bun.

Ah!

LAUGHTER

Oh, no!

You still smile like that as well.

Yeah, you go...

You hadn't seen that? BOTH: No.

I look like I've just let out a wet fart.

LAUGHTER

Successful as you are, you haven't got every audition you went for

and you missed out on a couple of really stellar roles

You went for a role in The Hobbit,

but also Harry himself in Harry Potter.

Is that right? Yeah.

They went round loads of schools and auditioned,

like, hundreds of thousands of people for that role.

My mum made me up to look like Harry Potter, but as you can see,

I had the hair and the look and the glasses.

Katy, you also... What, for Harry Potter?!

Yeah, well, not for Harry, but who was your audition for?

Hermione. Yeah. Really? How did that go?

Well... Well, obviously not that well, but...

I used to go to my little Peckham Saturday acting class.

I don't know what, they just..

It came up, so I was like, "Yeah, I'll do it."

So I went...

..and then I got there and they were like,

"Oh, so, how did you like the book?"

And I was just like, "Oh, I couldn't get into it."

VOICEOVER: 'This is Big Greg.

'Can all housemates please go to the shed...bit?"

Let's go to the shed bit.

APPLAUSE

Yes, welcome to Russell's Rave Shed. What do you think?

Do you like what I have done with the place? Lovely.

Has that been weather proofed? Yeah, it will be.

As we discovered, you and Greg got very cosy on your bromantic holiday

to Ibiza, which I'm not bothered about at all,

which is why I have only brought it up twice.

So I have tried to arrange the spirit of Ibiza.

I know what you guys get up to out there. I have arranged

a blind disco for everyone so we can do it just like in Ibiza.

Silent disco?

LAUGHTER

It is a disability-based disco that's the main thing.

These are the rules.

When you hear a song that relates to you, you're just going to start

dancing and having a good time but I am going to make sure you are blind.

I'm not going to blind you, I've got a blind fold.

And you were just going to dance your socks.

While you are dancing, a mystery guest from your past,

or who is in your life currently, will join you on the dance floor.

You have to dance with them blind, asking them questions,

trying to work out who they are Oh, God.

It is going to be Michael Fish, isn't it?

Let's queue up the first song and see who it might be for.

It's Buble. Sit down, Charlotte OK, I am not in this one.

Hear me get mad to Buble. This is the blind disco.

If you'd like to put that on.

I don't want to touch your hair in case you're fussy about it.

If anyone touches my hair I have a full panic attack.

I feel like I need a glass of red wine. We are all dancing with you.

Dance! But it is Michael Buble I'm not going to go mental, am I?!

It's Buble, I'm just crooning, you know.

Someone else is joining us on the dance floor. Let me just ..

He is on the dance floor with you. I am really concerned about this.

Just start asking him some questions, Jack. Do I have to touch...

You don't have to touch, just ask some questions.

Do you come here often? No.

LAUGHTER

Are you a man? Yes. Jesus Christ!

This is quite scary!

Come on Jack, stop CLOWNING around.

Are a fellow professional? Are you in my industry, a comedian of sorts?

Erm...sorts. You'd certainly see him CLOWNING about.

Don't be SCARED to ask a question, Jack. Why would I be scared...

Oh, my God! It's...!

CLOWN CACKLES

Tell us who it is. It's... Tell us. Timmy Twinkle

Timmy Twinkle. What happened with Timmy Twinkle?

Timmy Twinkle used to entertain me when I was a child,

at children's parties.

And what happened? He was... He was... Well, he was like this.

And not everyone was as entertained.

You nicknamed him the Pied Piper of Putney, didn't you? Yes, but ..

It is really nice to see you again.

Goodbye, Timmy Twinkle. Thanks for joining us. Timmy Twinkle, everyone.

APPLAUSE

Let's have another song. Track two. Here we go.

Talk Dirty, this is Charlotte's Oh, God. Right. OK.

Sit down, Jack, you're not in this one.

Shall I just lawn mower? Charlotte, put this on.

It's Talk Dirty, it's definitely your track, isn't it? Yeah.

Trust me.

Right. Let's have a dance. Guest is on the dance floor.

Come closer, have a boogie.

It's weird! I don't like it! It feels weird!

It feels like...

I don't know why, but I feel like I should hold my vagina.

LAUGHTER

CHARLOTTE SCREAMS

Why are you touching us! How can I dance when this is happening

Jack! That is Jack with a cricket bat.

So start asking some questions It is someone from your life.

There is nothing to be scared of. It's not like we've put a clown in front of you.

Don't! It is not Timmy Twinkle again, is it?

Right. OK. Are you a girl? Yes. Eh?

What do you mean, "Eh?" You do know some women, don't you, Charlotte?

Did I know you when I was younger? No.

Come on, try to WORK it out.

Don't be BOSSED around by this person. Erm...

Are you from where I used to work? Huh?

It's Becks!

Oh, my God! This is getting weirder and weirder. Why are you doing this?

Hold on one second. Talk us through who Becks is.

Becks is my supervisor, or sort of manager,

from my old job that I worked at for like four years

My first Saturday job and then I got so lazy

and hated school that I just worked there for ever. Do you know what?

Surprise Surprise can't do that can it?

Thank you very much, Becks. APPLAUSE

Lucky enough, ladies and gentlemen, we have some real music

because I have arranged a live set from Katy B.

How about that? Katy, go and get yourself ready.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gents, thanks to our wonderful stars from Bad Education,

Layton and Nikki.

Charlotte Crosby, everyone.

And the wonderful Jack Whitehall!

Thank you so much for watching

We're back next Wednesday with more Staying In.

Right now, to play us out,

it's Katy B with her new single, Sam.

5AM. 5AM.

CHEERING See you next week!

MUSIC: "5AM" by Katy B

# My feet won't stop I can't keep still

# Be rocking this until the sunlight

# That beat's so sick That tune's so ill

# Seems they know just how to move me right

# He looks my way Won't waste my time

# Looking in all the wrong places

# Won't let history repeat in parallel lines

# A sucker for those pretty faces

# Ooh, I need somebody to calm me down

# A little loving like Valium

# I need somebody to knock me out

# I need some loving like

# Ooh, I don't know what I'm running from

# But when the sun comes up it won't be wrong

# I need some loving like Valium

# I need some loving like

# It's 5AM all on my own

# I just need someone to talk with me

# I lost my friends I check my phone

# Still searching for someone to walk with me

# My deep wounds rise they take their place

# All of a sudden this don't feel right

# I wish I had a pure embrace

# To keep me warm until the sunrise

# Ooh, I need somebody to calm me down

# A little loving like Valium

# I need somebody to knock me out

# I need some loving like

# Ooh, I don't know what I'm running from

# But when the sun comes up it won't be wrong

# I need some loving like Valium

# I need some loving like

# I need some loving like

# I need some loving like

# I need some loving like

# Close my eyes Numb the pain

# Feel my worries melt away

# Lay me down Treat me kind

# Take the stresses off my mind

# Kiss my neck Feel my touch

# Let nothing in the way of us

# Keep me here Keep me calm

# In my dreams In your arms

# Ooh, I need somebody to calm me down

# A little loving like Valium

# I need somebody to knock me out

# I need some loving like

# Ooh, I don't know what I'm running from

# But when the sun comes up it won't be wrong

# I need some loving like Valium

# I need some loving like

# I need some loving like

# I need some loving like

# I need some loving like

# I need some loving like. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd