Episode 5 Staying In with Greg and Russell XL

This programme contains some strong language.

On tonight's Staying In, we've got Britney, bitch!

-CHEERING

-Who else is on the show?

World-famous pop group Little Mix are in the house.

Rapper Wretch 32 stops by.

Reality star Rylan Clark comes over.

Plus X Factor champion James Arthur is in the neighbourhood.

And we've got a little help from Rylan right now,

because as you can see, I'm dressed up for Britney, bitch.

So can you do this bit whilst I go and get ready?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-All right.

Jump to. Let's do it. Enjoy the show!

CHEERING

-It's staying in with Russell and Rylan.

-I'm quite excited, actually.

CHEERING

-Little Mix!

-It's only Little Mix!

-All right, girls?

-Excellent!

-How are you doing?

-Good!

-Jesy, Perrie, Jade, Leigh-Anne, welcome.

-Thank you!

-Thank you!

-What do you think about our place, then? Do you like it?

-We love it.

-I'm really digging the camels.

-Yeah.

-Everyone loves them camels.

I like it, I do like it, but this is a bit of a pad, to be fair.

I don't know how I'd feel about having people watching me sleep.

-But other than that, I like it.

-I like it.

-Me, I sleep better knowing people are looking on.

-LAUGHTER

Do you actually live together as well?

Cos we always imagine a band living in the same fun house.

We used to. Two and two.

But then we all decided we had too many clothes, so we live on our own.

-Who lived with who, then?

-Me and Jess. We had some of the best times, didn't we, though, in our flat?

Where do you live now? One of you lives with a ghost.

-Who lives with a ghost?

-Oh, I used to.

-She used to have one in her room...

-An actual ghost?

-I believe so, yes.

Cos my room was very cold all the time.

And then I'd go to sleep at night-time,

and the telly would switch on by itself.

-Are you sure that you just didn't have your heating on and you weren't lying on your remote?

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

-I'm pretty sure.

-What come on the telly?

-Just like the fizzy screen...

Oh, that's the worst!

Or like the girl with the crayon and the doll, like...

PHONE RINGS

Ah!

I thought it was a ghost. It's the landline.

Hello, Greg.

Is it just me, or has Rylan had his teeth done?

That's totally inappropriate, you can't say that.

What's he saying?

He said he's not being funny, but have you had your teeth done?

LAUGHTER

-No.

-Have you had anything done to your face, any work?

Yeah, I've had a little bit of Botox.

And everyone goes, "Oh, you're 24, you're 25,

"why are you having Botox?" And I go, "Look, I'd rather have it now

"to stop the lines, than have the lines and try and fill them up!"

It doesn't look like you've had loads,

-though, d'you know what I mean?

-I'm a natural beauty, babe, to be fair.

So, Perrie, congratulations. Engaged, ladies and gentlemen!

APPLAUSE

-To One Direction. How are you finding it?

-It just feels normal, it feels nice.

I don't feel any different.

It didn't change the way the commitment felt,

-it didn't feel like it was more serious?

-No! I'm excited.

Well, listen, I think

-every single bird in here wants to know, how did he propose?

-Yes.

Was it like some big...

Oh, my God, fireworks at the top of the Eiffel Tower...

# That's what makes you beautiful... # ?

No! I haven't really spoken about the engagement, to be honest.

I just announced that when we were engaged.

I said, "Yeah, we're engaged, we're happy," but I never really talk about anything personal with me

and him, because everything is out there so much.

-It's nice to keep something a bit more sentimental.

-Was it in the bath?

-No!

-He came up out of the water with the ring?

-Was in the kitchen?

-No!

-Was in the downstairs toilet.

-No!

-Living room?

-No!

-Bedroom?

-No.

What other rooms do people have?!

-It might have been out and about.

-Maybe it was outside.

-Was it the garden?

-Maybe it was.

-Aw...! Casual gazebo from Argos.

The sprinklers come on, and you're like, "We're wet, I hadn't noticed."

I know someone's got a very special relationship with a certain man

and I know one of you has got a crush on Cliff Richard.

I'm not even embarrassed. I don't...

Would you like to take a little bit of Cliff Richard home

with you tonight?

-Yeah. Yeah.

-Better than that...

-It's like Surprise Surprise.

I was getting really excited!

It's a bottle of wine from his actual vineyard.

It's called Vida Nova.

He would probably call it the body of Christ because he's a Godder.

-Is it actually?

-Yeah, actual Cliff Richard wine.

-Genuine Cliff Richard wine!

-And wait, Cliff Richard calendar.

Oh, my God!

Christmas has come early.

Rather tragically, that's my future from about six months' time.

A bit of a daredevil. If a train comes, fucked.

LAUGHTER

February's just two stumpy ankles.

What is it about Cliff Richard though?

I just think he's looking great for his age, he's a talented bloke.

I bet there's one in here where he has got his top off.

-She looks for them ones.

-Do you think?

I can't believe what I'm witnessing. Can anyone actually believe this?

There's a good one. Cowboy-esque.

This is your favourite one?

Cliff Richard dresses as Cowboy.

That is your favourite one.

Do you know what, if you got married to that,

you'd be a lucky girl, babes.

I'm actually going to cherish this.

Wow!

I am a little bit concerned.

I think we should look after this for you until the end, in case

you start really enjoying it.

Put that somewhere.

Russ, can you...? Oh, hi, Little Mix.

Russ, can you keep it down and stop showing off to the girls?

It's so embarrassing. I'm trying to concentrate in here, dick!

LAUGHTER

Wretch, mate, thanks for helping me out. I mean, this is Britney, bitch. This is big.

-This is a big interview, man.

-This is the pinnacle, man. This is it.

Right, so, what do you do when you get starstruck?

I just pretend that I'm a bigger celebrity than the person

I'm in front of.

So put someone in your head. I don't know, George Clooney.

-OK.

-OK, so you're now George Clooney.

-So George Clooney is interviewing Britney Spears.

-No, no, no.

-You're interviewing Britney Spears.

-Where's George Clooney?

-Inside you.

-Why is George Clooney having sex with me?

-No, no, not that kind of inside.

-On the inside.

-I can't stop thinking about his cock.

-No, just...

just the coolness.

That's all you need to worry about. You see, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Hey, I'm Clooney.

-This is what I'm saying.

-I can do a coffee advert as well.

-Yeah.

-Hey, I'm George Clooney.

-That's it, that's right.

Listen, I know that one of you has got a very strong party trick,

and it's making the noise of a goat maybe...?

Could that be you?

It must be pretty good for it to have got round the internet, the world and to us.

-Can I hear this goat noise?

-Yeah.

SHE MIMES TO REAL GOAT BLEATING

-That's fantastic.

-That is an actual goat.

APPLAUSE

Have you always been able to do this?

Or was it, like, you were six years old, it was primary school

talent day, and they were like, "Perrie?" And you were like...

It was in the kitchen with my friend, and I thought it sounded good, so...

Casual goat.

Well, it's so good, I thought we could maybe phone a vet

for real and see if you can convince a vet that you're actually a goat.

I'm going to get the vet on the line, do a bit of spiel

-and then I'm going to say...

-Am I a wounded goat?

-I'm going to pretend you've got something wrong with your teat.

-Teat?

-Yeah.

-But this is a genuine vet.

-What's a teat?

-So this is the scenario.

So he's going to call up the vet, blah blah blah, there's something wrong with the goat.

What's wrong with the goat is he's been trying to milk you,

and it ain't been working, babe. And you're making a funny old noise.

-Your teat is red raw.

-Wow.

Disturbing.

-Hello?

-'Hi!'

I've had a...

I keep a couple of goats on my land

and I think there might be a problem with one of them.

One of their teats looks rather red and swollen.

And I think there might be a problem.

When I'm trying to milk the goat, it's making quite a strange...

Actually, it's here at the moment. Come here. Come here, Perrie. Come here.

Just tell me if this sounds right to you.

BLEATING

-Do you think...? Do I need to worry or...?

-'Is it male or female?'

-It's definitely female.

-'You sure? It sounds quite masculine.'

It sounds quite masculine? Just listen again.

I'm just going to tease the end of the swollen gland.

BLEATING

'Oh, OK, well, I mean, I think it's been possibly mastitis.'

What do you do about mastitis?

'Well, mastitis involves antibiotic treatment,

'but it also involves sort of warm water massages and compresses.'

Sounds like a good night to me!

-I promise I'll give Perrie a warm water bath after this.

-'OK.

'Well, just make sure you get her seen as well.'

Oh, and by the way, that was someone from Little Mix...!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You are good at doing goat noises but I thought I would take it upon

myself to find out how good you are in this entire genre.

I'm going to play a little game where you've got to guess the noise,

-whether it be a celebrity or whether it be a genuine casual goat. OK?

-OK.

So are you ready to play Celeb or Goat?

Make sure you all confer

and get involved in trying to work this out, OK?

I will only take your final answer. This is serious.

This is not a joke game. This is a serious game.

-Jesy, what is it?

-A serious game.

-Thanks, babe.

Rylan spent quite a long time researching this.

OK, can you tell me, girls, whether this is a celeb or goat?

M-ha-ha!

-That was a celeb.

-Yeah.

-What kind of celeb?

-A male.

-A male celeb.

What sort of job would this male celeb do, do you think?

I don't really get much from a "ma"!

-Come on, you are the expert.

-Come on, girls, help her out.

Let's have another listen.

M-ha-ha.

-Sounds like a laugh.

-Wait a minute, is it one of yous?

-No.

It is someone you've met, definitely.

-I recognise...

-Are we close friends of them?

-We've met them.

Dermot!

Is that your final answer? You need to find out. Final answer.

Dermot, it's Dermot. Dermot.

M-ha-ha.

Mountain goat.

Wouldn't normally see it but very niche.

A round of applause.

We got there in the end, girls.

Right, I gave you a little bit of help there.

I'm not giving you no more help. Let's move on to number two.

Can you tell me if this is a celeb or goat?

GOAT NOISE

-That's a celeb. That's like a...

-Or Goat or Car? That's a new game.

I think it's a man again.

It's just a celeb or a goat, it's not going to be like a piano.

Final answer from you, Perrie.

-Celeb goat? Goat?

-Goat.

It's a goat!

It's a really scary looking goat.

And the last one, can you tell me whether this is a celeb or goat?

SCREAM

-That's a goat.

-So what are we saying, celeb or goat?

-Going to say goat.

-Final answer?

Let's find out.

That's my goat.

APPLAUSE

It's actually Miss Daytime, Holly Willoughby.

Who would make a noise like that?

Rylan, my tea is actually a little bit cold.

I wondered if you'd mind heating it up in the microwave.

So stand there and open it for me. Thanks, Rylan.

-That's right, it's Rylan's friend, Terry.

-Why's Terry here?

Why is he?

-All right, Tel?

-All right, mate?

Terry, tell us who you are and how you know Rylan.

Me and Rylan were in a boy band together in Ibiza, 2009.

I cannot believe Terry's in a microwave.

-You were in a band together.

-We were, in Ibiza.

It was a tribute band to Take That and Westlife.

-What was Rylan like, when he was in the band? Go on.

-A bit of a diva.

I was never a fucking diva!

Only a diva would say that.

-I want to see him in action.

-Oh, fuck right off.

Oh, no! This is horrible. Why are you here?

Oh, my God. Look at my dodgy hair!

APPLAUSE

Terry, thanks so much for dropping in. Terry, everyone.

Right, Greg's messed up the rubbish, so I'm going to go

and sort the bins out.

-See you in a bit.

-Bye!

-Make yourself at home, yeah?

-Help yourself to snacks.

-Have a cherry, babes. Have some sweets.

-Hey, James Arthur!

-Hello, mate.

-What you doing here?

-I'm...

-I pressed the wrong button, so I'm on the wrong floor.

-Do you live here?

-Yeah, yeah, I'm downstairs.

-No way!

Yeah. I've just not really been here, cos I've been playing my music.

-That's why I've not bumped into you. You've been working on your new album.

-That's it.

You have gone from James Arthur,

the guy that walked on stage 18 months ago on the X Factor to...

It's been a big transition so I'm just trying

to keep my feet on the ground and remember why I did the X Factor.

-Are you still in touch with anyone else from the X Factor? Rylan?

-Yes.

-Bit of a character.

-I love Rylan.

What was it like sharing a room with him?

Rylan was always naked. Always naked. It got to the point where...

Rylan's naked again. It was very normal for him to be naked.

How did you get on with Simon Cowell? Do you text each other?

-No, we're not, like...

-Not buddies.

We don't go for an ice cream together.

He's rang me before. He's rang me and said thanks for what I did on his show.

He actually said I saved his programme. Which is pretty nice.

You've been working with big names. I heard rumours of Ed Sheeran or Nicole Scherzinger.

Are these people you'd like to collaborate with?

Yeah, I'd love to work with Ed Sheeran.

I spoke to him a couple of times.

He's a really lovely guy, and he's up for doing something.

Me and Nicole have been writing some tunes together, so that's been good.

Every man on the planet and every woman fancies Nicole Scherzinger.

Gay, straight, everyone loves her.

I'm no different, but I've developed a working relationship with her now.

-Do you still call her Scherzy?

-Yeah, I call her Scherzy sometimes.

-Is she on your phone on speed dial?

-She is in my phone as Scherzy.

What would you do with her musically, do you think?

The songs we've been writing together have been quite dubstep influenced.

She's got a powerhouse voice,

so I guess we'd go for that Chase And Status type of thing.

She could have a big chorus,

and then I've been doing bits of rap and stuff on my songs.

-It should be cool.

-Awesome.

-This is my floor, man. Thanks for chatting.

-Nice to see you.

I would say, do you want to go out? But we're just staying in.

-Unless you want to...

-Well, I'm more of a home bunny, so...

-Why don't you get your instruments and come and play?

-I'll go grab my guitar.

That would be awesome, mate. Been a pleasure chatting.

-You too, man, take care.

-That was such a long journey for three floors.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Rylan!

-Guess who I just saw in the lift.

-Who?

-James Arthur was in there.

-You saw who?

James Arthur's living in the flat below us,

-and I bumped into him in the lift.

-You all right? Got my hand out here.

Yeah, sorry, man. Right, so we've got Little Mix in the basement.

Britney's in the garage. And now it's just us lads.

We'll have some lad time. By the way, Wretch, have you met Rylan before?

-I have. Are you all right?

-I'm good.

-Nice to meet you.

So Greg and I, we want to get to know you properly.

-cos Wretch 32 isn't your real name, is it?

-No, unfortunately not.

-What is it?

-It's Jermaine...Jermaine Scott.

-That's a lovely name.

-That's quite a cool name.

-It's cool, innit?

Growing up, I was very wretched. My whole family...

I was naughty. Everyone used to say, "you're a little wretch."

And then 3, 2 - they were my lucky numbers.

I wanted to put something lucky against something that's been

given to me, sort of, unluckily, if that's a word.

Rylan, what about you? What's your real name?

-Ross.

-Ross is all right.

-But it's too close to Russ.

-What's wrong with that?

-So I couldn't have come on as Ross tonight.

-I think we'd have known... Well, actually...

-That's quite specific.

-We've got the dark hair, the blonde bits running through now...

-I know.

-It's all kicking off, babe.

-Just one vowel between us.

-LAUGHTER

And what's a vowel between friends?

Move on, quickly.

-So you changed it to Rylan...

-Yeah.

-Which means...

Rylan means Irish meadow.

Is it nice to think your name means you're being ploughed by farmers?

LAUGHTER

-Why the fuck d'you think I chose it?

-LAUGHTER

-Wretch, we've got a little game for you.

-OK. Cool.

We're going to tell you some things and we want you to let us know if you like them or dislike them.

So when we say something and you like it,

we'd like you to press the "like" button there.

Please test that out now.

'Ah, yeah!'

We just took that off your single.

It sounds a lot like you.

-If you dislike something...

-Press this one?

-You got it.

'Urgh! Urgh...!'

OK, let's crack on with the game. Your first subject is recorders.

How do you feel about recorders?

-Oh, you've got to like a recorder.

-'Ah, yeah!'

They're cool. That's the first instrument I actually tried to play.

-Can you play it?

-No.

-Oh, you can't?

-No.

-You can't play Traktor...?

-I can play Traktor on the recorder.

-You can?

-Yeah. Ready?

-Yeah.

"TRAKTOR" PLAYS

CLAPPING TO THE MUSIC

CHEERING

Before we move on to another like, dislike, what is your musical DNA?

What got you into music, where are your roots? How did it start?

Do you know what, my dad was a DJ and one day...

Gosh, he might get into trouble for this.

One day, he brought me to a nightclub when I was very young and I was watching him do his thing.

And it was just interesting to me to see

that he kind of had control of the whole room, just because of music.

So that's what started getting me into it.

Then I started messing around with his records,

then I started writing. I was rubbish,

then I got better. And, yeah, I'm still passionate.

APPLAUSE

OK, next subject, Wretch, is Rylan's teeth.

-Oh, fuck off.

-LAUGHTER

Like or dislike?

'Ah, yeah!' CHEERING

-So you like them?

-Sparkling, man. It's cool.

-Bling teeth.

-I ain't got a fucking grille in!

-That's next.

-Yeah, you wait.

-I think you look banging. People need to...

-I love them! Bollocks. Fuck off or I'll bite you!

APPLAUSE

You're funny!

OK, Wretch, final one.

Strippers - like or dislike?

'Ah, yeah!'

'Urgh! Urgh...!'

-It's a bit of both.

-What?

-When you have to pay, it's not nice, innit?

APPLAUSE

So your single, Rock Bottom, OK, is written about strippers.

-One stripper.

-One stripper.

-How many strippers have you come across?

LAUGHTER

Um, not many. A handful. Not a handful...

LAUGHTER

-Five, maybe.

-The complete opposite, what would you do to woo a girl, then?

-What's your wooing technique?

-I don't have a wooing technique. I think I just do...

I don't know, I'm very spontaneous, so I might see a girl, might trip her over...

-Trip her over?!

-No, no...

-That's assault!

-I'm joking, I'm joking. I don't know, it depends...

-Whey...!

I heard a rumour, tell me this is you joking,

that you have a £100 maximum budget for a first date.

No!

...It's £80.

APPLAUSE

Rylan, would you ever... Have you ever dated a girl, ever? When you were younger or anything?

Yeah, when I was at primary school, I think...

LAUGHTER

I went on this... Well, not date... No.

OK, if you had to pick one girl to date, who would you pick?

If you have to go out on a date with a girl?

-Probably Caroline Flack.

-Oh!

-I really fancy Flackers.

I just imagine she's right dirty.

LAUGHTER

You know what I mean, don't you?

Actually, it is funny you should say that,

cos we've got a question from Flack to you.

-Are you winding me up?

-No.

-Shut up!

-Yeah, look.

-Hi, Rylan! What I really want to know is,

would you rather sleep with Greg or sleep with Russell?

You can't have both of us at the same time.

I think I know who I would, purely because I remember

when I first met this person, I turned round to Nicole and said,

"He's quite fit, in't he?" She went, "He's handsome."

Oh. It's definitely not me, then.

Anyway, I think that's enough. Just before we go, I want to demonstrate my buzzer.

Hopefully we've got the pyrotechnics lined up. Let's see what happens.

Oh, dick!

How are we going to find our way into the basement?

Rylan, can we use your teeth?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Hey, girls, how are you enjoying the basement?

-Hey!

-Love it down here.

-Take a seat.

-We're just having a root around.

I've actually tried to turn it into a sort of makeshift tattoo parlour.

I was going to call it Russell's Little Prick...Russell's Big Prick.

We have lots of rock'n'roll guests on and get them to come down here.

Conor Maynard had his cock done down here, a small chicken drawn on it.

-Yeah.

-Amazing.

Make sure you spell Jesy right.

Now, er, tattoos, who has tattoos?

Me and Jes.

Where are they? What are they?

-I've got one on my wrist, one on my thigh.

-Yeah.

-One up my side.

-Can we see the one on your thigh, please?

-Go on, get a bit of...

-What does it say?

It says, "A tiger never loses sleep over the opinion of sheep."

-Right. What does that mean?

-It means I don't let people's opinions bother me.

-Cos you're powerful.

-That's right.

So, little sheep, which would sound like...

-Baa-aa!

-There we go. A slightly deeper goat.

-Leigh-Anne, show us.

-What have you got?

I can't really show it but I've got "believe" on the back of my neck.

Actually, you can see that if you want.

-And who is supposed to read the word believe?

-Huh?

You can't read it yourself, can you?

That's why I like it. Cos I've got butterflies and music notes as well.

Cos I can't see them, don't get bored of them.

For me, if I saw it all the time I think I'd probably grow out of it.

But cos I can't see it, I appreciate it more, I think.

If goat girl wasn't enough, you can also do a bit of beatboxing.

Go on, J-Bomb, drop some beats.

-Count her in, give her some support, girls.

-All right.

SHE BEATBOXES

HE SCRATCHES

APPLAUSE

That's so good!

Now, I've got some tattoos here in my catalogue of tats.

These are some of my favourites, some Japanese characters.

-Like those?

-Nice.

-The reason I'm holding this one up

is a little bird tells me you have an amazing talent for singing

-in Korean and Japanese.

-Well, we like to dibble-dabble.

In an Australian accent?

"I love a bit of Japanese, me."

Get out the old didgeridoo.

-We did a little section in Japanese, didn't we?

-Of which song?

-Wings.

-Yes.

-Can we hear that?

-Yes.

THEY SING IN JAPANESE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The next one in our tatalogue is an alien I've drawn, an ET, if you like.

Has everyone got good memories of an ET or...?

Oh! On tour!

Anyone got a story they want to share of intense embarrassment? What happened?

Yes, we did the X Factor tour, and we were flying over the arena for ET.

We was told not to fidget with our harness or anything,

so I was doing this, and I kind of toppled upside down,

and I couldn't get up, so I was like...

But that wasn't the embarrassing moment, that was dangerous.

I thought she was trying to show off!

ALL TALK AT ONCE

It's precisely because it's dangerous that we wouldn't dare show it. Run it.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-I could stay in the basement all evening, but I have to check on the guys. Thanks for chatting.

-Bye.

When you try to get out, don't try to rattle the door, you are locked in.

APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to Gingers Anonymous Youth Society.

We are the support group for people who are in denial about being ginger.

-Russell Kane.

-Yep.

My name is Russell Kane and I have a ginger streak to add texture.

LAUGHTER

Wretch 32.

I'm Wretch 32 and I've worked with the coolest ginger guy in the country, Ed Sheeran.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Today, we'd like to welcome a brand-new member to our society.

He needs to get back to his roots, literally. It's Rylan Clark.

APPLAUSE

Rylan, the first step on the path of fulfilment

is to address what you were like in earlier times.

OK? Let's have a look.

-Whoa!

-I love it how Wretch went "Whoa!"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

We've had some very famous gingers attend GAYS.

For instance, Rupert Grint. Hugely famous actor.

He's not here.

He even bagged a role as Ron Weasley in Harry Potter.

-Rylan, you have a lot in common with Rupert Grint, don't you?

-I do.

-Explain.

-When I was younger - me and Jesy from Little Mix were talking about this earlier -

we went to the same drama school.

I got offered the part for a week to do body double work on Harry Potter.

-What?

-And cos I was the little ginger kid, I was Ron Weasley.

So I'd have to run down corridors

and every time you see the back of his head, it's either me

or some other little minion that did it as well.

-Because Rupert was too busy to do it.

-No way.

Our next ginger star is this guy you mentioned earlier, Wretch,

it's Edge. CHEERING

Hugely popular, he's sold 60 million records around the world,

amazing pop star, he's even rumoured to have had it off with Taylor Swift as well.

-This guy...

-That's when I knew he was a gangster.

Taylor Swift, yeah.

You always wanted to be a singer, didn't you?

Started early, as this evidence shows.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Hey, Rylan...

Please don't be sad. Have a ginger biscuit.

What was going on there, Rylan? Was it a talent video?

Were you making music at school?

-HE MUMBLES

-Don't talk with your mouth full.

Me and my friend, James, we had to do this video...

for drama. And I was like, "Let's do a pop video."

All right. Said, "Who shall we do it to?" I went, "H from Steps."

All right. So we got the Steps album out, got the song that H did

and we went over Canary Wharf.

His dad bought a smoke machine from Argos, there you go.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Can't say fairer than that.

It is muddy, though, it's really muddy, innit?

Next up, we have a very famous redhead.

This is one of the most famous redheads in the world.

Fantastic Mr Fox. There he is. Look at that cheeky little face.

-Player.

-Rylan, I know you've had problems in the past with foxes.

-This story cannot be true.

-What happened?

I was pissed coming home one night from Romford.

So I casually walk along and there's this fox on the wall.

And this fox is just on the wall like that, looking at me.

So I'm a bit pissed. I've got my wallet in one hand, my phone in the other.

I'm walking along, casual, and I see this fox on the wall where you are.

When you try and scare a fox or cat away cos you're a bit pissed, you go like that.

It normally goes...and fucks off.

Long story short, the fox crawled down the wall,

looked at me and I was like, "Am I pissed? Am I imagining this?"

It jumped like that...

I've dropped my wallet and it took my wallet and fucked off.

-Mugged by a fox!

-Mugged by a fox.

LAUGHTER

I rang up the credit card people and said I wanted to cancel my card.

My wallet has been stolen.

They said, "Have you got a crime reference number?"

I said, "No, I haven't. I just need to cancel my card." They said, "Because you said

"the word stolen to us, you need to have a crime reference number."

I asked how to get one.

And they said call your local police station and they'll do it.

So I ring the police station for a crime reference number

and they asked me to describe the assailant.

And I was like, "Ginger and furry."

And then when I told him, they asked me to hold.

So I'm holding the line and they asked me to repeat it again.

I knew I was on fucking speakerphone cos you could hear them all going...

That's great.

-How much did he do you for, the fox?

-I can't even remember.

I don't think it was a lot. It was Gay Night in Romford, drinks are two quid, I probably had a tenner.

Did it use your card?

No, thank fuck.

Imagine the fox at the cashpoint.

Have you ever been mugged by an animal?

-Nah.

-Are you scared of any animals?

I hate animals. I'm like you, I'm nervous.

A bit wary of dogs?

If you had to have a dog or cat around you, what would you go for? What are you scared of more?

-Probably the cat.

-Yeah, it's part of the fox family.

-They're more brave than dogs nowadays.

-Part of the fox family!

-Did you say cat is part of the fox family?

-Course it is!

A fox is part of the dog family.

No, it's not!

This is a wind-up.

-You don't think... Wretch...

-No, don't ask Wretch.

Cos I don't... What's a cat look like?

What's a cat look like?!

I know where he's going with it.

-Are you for real?

-Yes.

A cat and a fox aren't in the same family.

A cat and a tiger, yes.

But a cat and a fox look similar.

But you could say a cat and a dog look similar, they've four legs.

It's like a cat.

-But a fox looks more like a dog than a cat.

-No, it doesn't.

-Yes, it does.

I don't know where we're going with this.

You know what? I'm glad he mugged you.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Rylan, you clearly have a lot of developmental work you need to do.

Here's a final motivational message from Keith Lemon.

Hi, Rylan. Keith Lemon here.

You know a lot of people taunt me - I think that's the right word -

about being ginger.

Luckily enough for me, I'm not ginger, I'm strawberry blond.

As you can see. But I do think it's unfair for you

to deny...to live in denial, basically, that you are ginger.

There's a lot of people out there that are ginger and they're not bad people cos they've ginger hair.

So don't deny it. Be individual

and embrace your gingerness, you ginger bastard.

What? What are you saying about his teeth?

I'm not saying 'owt about his teeth, I like his teeth.

They look good on him.

They're not right size, though, they're someone else's.

Do you think Rylan should accept his gingerness?

Give him some words of encouragement.

No, man, it's just confidence. You are confident, you are cool.

I accept my gingerness.

He's accepted his gingerness, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ALARM BELL RINGS

-That's the Britney alarm.

-The Britney alarm.

-Wish me luck.

-Good luck.

-Trip her up.

-Good luck, Greg.

-Thanks, mate.

-Britney.

-Hi. How are you?

-Really good.

-Good to see you.

-And you.

Thank you for being in our garage today.

-I've made it look nice for you. It's beautiful.

-It's normally awful.

-It's great.

-I thought I'd dress up for you.

-It's not everyday you meet pop royalty.

-Thank you, sweetie.

First things first, let's talk about your new song.

It's also the same noise my alarm clock makes every day.

Which is, "Work, bitch!"

I'm scared.

# Now get to work, bitch

# A-ah, now get to work, bitch

# Aha... #

So the video looks quite fun to me. Was it quite hot in the desert?

It was really, really hot.

It wasn't actually as hot as I thought it would be

because we had fans on us.

But there was some pretty long shots that we were out there and I was

like, I need ice packs on my neck and my feet and all over my body.

So, yeah, it was pretty tough.

-Being Britney Spears, you can ask for anything these days.

-Yes.

-I want ice packs, fans, anything.

-I ask for anything.

-I had a Lamborghini there. I had all my stuff there.

-Good.

-It's really nice to meet you because I'm a genuine fan.

-Thank you.

-To the point where I remade one of your videos.

-Really?

-Want to see it?

-Yes.

-OK. Just hit play on there.

-OK.

Oh, my God!

-I have competition now.

-Do you like the dance moves?

I love it.

-You are beautiful as a girl.

-Thank you.

-You are really beautiful.

You are a little taller than everybody else,

-but hey, you're the star.

-I'll live with that.

-It's great.

-Let's talk scents, your perfume.

-OK.

-OK. It sells one every 10 seconds. I found that out.

-Yes.

So I thought, this is a great idea, I need to come up with my own scent.

-So I did. How's that?

-It's a cricket-based scent.

I love cricket. You can have that one. That's the prototype.

Thank you so much. I love it. I love the shorts, by the way.

-The shots are banging.

-It's cricket-based - willowy,

-cut grass, jockstraps.

-OK.

-It's a sort of men's fragrance.

-Obviously.

-Your album is coming out at Christmas.

-You must be very excited about it.

-Yes.

What can we expect from the album?

It's probably one of the most personal albums I've done.

I worked with will.i.am on the album and he's co-producing it.

Are you going to be touring the whole thing?

I have a Vegas show I'll be doing for two years.

-And I have 100 shows set out to do.

-100?

Are you daunted by that, or are you like, 100, bring it on?

Bring it on. I'm kind of stoked about it.

I haven't performed in a really long time, so I'm kind of excited.

You know the UK loves you?

-OK.

-And I know you love the UK a lot.

-I do.

And I know you like Coronation Street.

-Yes.

-Where did this come from, this love of Coronation Street?

-Do you get it in the US?

-Um...I got it here. I don't know why.

I just started watching it and loved it. It's great, really cool.

What other UK TV shows do you enjoy?

That's really it, it's the only one I really watch.

-How about Staying In With Greg And Russell?

-Oh, I like Staying In.

Before I go back to Russell,

he's very jealous he's not met you today,

-so can I do a selfie? Yes.

-Yes!

He'll be so jealous because he's even more nerdy than me.

-Done. Britney, thank you so much.

-Thank you.

-Nice to meet you.

I'll leave you to get yourself acquainted with our garage.

-Cool, thank you.

-Thanks a lot.

-Bye.

APPLAUSE

That is it for tonight's Staying In.

Thanks to our amazing guests - Britney Spears!

Wretch 32, Rylan, Little Mix

-and James Arthur.

-James Arthur is playing us out with his new single,

You're Nobody Till Somebody Loves You.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Long gone, we're falling down

# But I'm loving how it tastes

# I look around for desire

# Love ran away, yeah

# Hold back, we're falling out

# And I'll show you how it breaks

# If I can give it, I'll take it all of the way

# Yeah

# And we've still got so much to learn

# Babe

# You're nobody till somebody loves you

# It's hard times when nobody wants you

# Fill up my cup Don't ever stop coming

# Get up on top We'll make it pop, honey

# You're nobody till somebody loves you

# It's a cold life when nobody holds you

# Fill up my cup Don't ever stop coming

# Get up on top We'll make it pop, honey

# Listen

# I'm a cold star coming down

# I was way off of the pace

# I waited up for the day

# Now the day comes to me

# Comes to me, comes to me

# Yeah

# I hold back, we're falling down

# I knew that it would break

# You'd always give it I'd take it all the way

# All the way, all the way now

# And we've still got so much to learn

# Baby

# You're nobody till somebody loves you

# It's hard times when nobody wants you

# Fill up my cup Don't ever stop coming

# Get up on top We'll make it pop, honey

# You're nobody Till somebody loves you

# It's a cold heart When nobody wants you

# Fill up my cup Don't ever stop coming

# Get up on top We'll make it pop, honey

# Hey

That's it, clap your hands for me.

# Oh, baby

# Ah

# Oh, yeah, yeah

# Don't you stop me

# I'll get what's coming to me, baby

# Oh, yeah, yeah

# Yeah, don't you stop me

# I'll get what's coming to me, baby

# I will be somebody

# You're nobody till somebody loves you

# Baby, baby

# Oh, yeah

# Yeah, yeah

# You're nobody till somebody loves you

# It's a cold heart when nobody holds you

# Fill up my cup Don't ever stop coming

# Get up on top We'll make it pop, honey

# Yeah. #

Thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd