Episode 1 Staying In with Greg and Russell

It's a brand-new chat show set in my pad with him right here.

the best humpers in the world,

Thank you for staying in with us, do please welcome our guests.

Noel, welcome. How are you?

I'm good, thanks. Excellent.

I've actually got some gifts for you, to make you feel welcome.

Noel, we've got you a net of cheese.

They're the best cheeses, man.

I've never tried them! All right!

Sorry. You've never had a Babybel?

Just bite straight into it.

roll for ages, like... Try it.

What have you got for Ashley?

Fresh from the jungle, a bowl of

Is that a camel's penis? Yes.

No, it's lamb and pig penis. Did you eat a camel's penis?

I ate the tip. And was the camel

It's like a weird cereal from the

We are similar but with some

You two have lived together.

We did. It was an absolute shithole.

Our house turned into what we like

Were you both equally responsible for this chaos or is one...

and the other one was messy?

There's usually an anal one

I didn't really do anything.

Because Russell is quite OCD. I am not OCD, I'm just tidy.

Do you like doing housework, though? Cos I quite like hoovering.

I do. Hoovering is the best part.

my own shadow the other day.

You've lived with Lee Mack?

It was like Laurel and Hardy.

some sort of horrible sketch.

What was your summer holiday like?

70th birthday. Dance floor!

We've actually got footage of that.

Really? Yes, we have. What?!

Oh, no. Is that actually you?

I don't think she knows what a phone is, so I doubt she sent that.

and just hung out at the beach

got body painted for EA Games,

I was like, "Oh, my God! OK."

"Greg and I have just been recruited.

Greg, did you get up to anything?

Not a lot. The usual, boring stuff.

Do you guys dress up at all?

That's the cutest Batman ever,

It was a play. It was a play.

Ecoman, what are his values? He took, like, bad fumes...

and we know you like pranking

because you did this prank war with Professor Green. Yeah.

We were both arguing on Twitter

so we had a bit of Twitter, like,

cos people love that stuff and

I think I ended up calling him

In context I said something like,

"I haven't seen someone address crowds with a quiff since Hitler."

I was like, maybe that was a bit

Hitler's not going to @ you!

get me back and I got lured

into a room and I knew something

and I got, like, a fire extinguisher

if you guys have got it on video?

I did. I don't know how that happened. How was your 40th?

This is what happens when you get

cos so far, everything you say

you'd have just been sitting in a room full of footage saying,

"What are we going to do now?"

OK. Changing topic. It's all about

the man in your life is a dog.

Tell us about your dog. He is a six

What's he called? His name's Cooper. And why is he called Cooper?

My gay best mate at the time was obsessed with Bradley Cooper,

literally would talk about him

So one day I got a little puppy

let's go watch this movie."

I've adopted a dog as well, called Colin. OK. He's a pug.

Do you want to see my puppy?

Come this way. Colin! Hey, Colin!

when he sees girls. I don't know where he learnt it from. Yay.

with us in our little house here.

He lives under the pool table.

He's put a diamante collar on cos someone's still in the closet.

I've actually put this as a the test.

I've got the dogs together,

and we played a little game that

check intelligence in a dog.

If you put a towel on a dog's head, the speed which it goes

"get off" shows its intelligence.

I think it might be a draw.

So you won that so are you the more intelligent Rizzle Kick? Erm...

In basic social situations, no.

But you were deputy head boy

What is that? Like, head of grade? It's professional second-best.

I just couldn't cope with it,

I'm really enjoying this game but I've got a clip I wanted to play.

What about my clips? I've got one about which dog poos first.

One, two, three, four, five, six,

Four, five, six, seven, eight.

Crawl and crawl, down, down, down.

Jason Derulo. I keep forgetting Jason's in the attic. Is he?

I'm going to be here all night long,

Oh, you want to make this happen?

Just talking dirty. That's the name of your new single, isn't it?

# All I really need to understand is

# When you talk dirty to me

Is this thing still on? Yeah. OK. Can you pass me that laptop?

Let's have a look at the questions.

comes from Kirsty who says,

proudest part of your body?

Yeah, I'm winking at Kirsty.

So what about your fans and stuff?

lots of dirty talk and stuff?

Sometimes it's a little shocking,

Somebody saying stuff like, "Jason, I want to sit on your face."

to fuck me hard to your music

up on shuffle once or twice.

Since we're in my loft area,

there are a few bits in here

Can you make anything sexual?

Is your grandfather half black? Yep.

I didn't know that. Big-time.

See if you can make me more sexual.

I mean, even if you do little innuendos, you know what I'm saying?

wait by the lights and maybe,

Good? Keep it short. Don't put so much into it. It's short.

Hey, baby. Do you want the lights on or do you want the lights off?

Enjoy the rest of your evening

let's get back to business.

Tell me how you like it, girl.

So how do you like your Mad Hatter's Tea Party? Absolutely amazing.

It needed doing so I thought, you're coming over, let's make it mental.

Like a beautiful albino Ewok!

That's some of your artwork. Yeah. How the hell did you get that?

is called the tiger spider.

His bowtie is actually a butterfly.

That's a tiger spider as well.

In your comedy you've created some incredible characters.

Have you got a favourite character

I quite like the Hitcher, who wears

He's quite a frightening serial

"I'm Old Greg, mother licker."

"I'm Old Greg, mother licker.

I've just done a new series,

I'm editing it at the moment.

on the edge of a volcano in Hawaii.

I don't really have dreams,

I have dreams in the daytime.

Spike Milligan, Vic and Bob,

Everything and anything. Lots of comedy. I was obsessed with comedy.

I didn't know I wanted to be a comedian but knew wanted to write

comedy. I thought I was too shy

so I started doing stand-up and

We've got a couple of things

to jog some memories so there is a cat here with an eye patch.

I was very close to my nan when I grew up, she used to look after me

in the day and she had a cat called

so I thought that was funny.

I used to do was I used to...

and I used to go, "Jethro!"

Actually, Jethro actually consumed some drugs once at a party, yeah.

And he was freaking out so my dad and mum phoned up their friend

and said, "What should we do? The cat has taken some acid."

otherwise it'll hurt itself.

So they put it in the sock drawer.

it had put all the socks into pairs.

Was there a story about Pete Doherty and some cats at the party?

Yeah. I was at a hotel room.

This was when I was partying a lot,

I sort of went out and partied a lot and it was really good fun.

and Pete Doherty knocks on the door

Just literally came in with a top

You got any kittens in there

We'll put it here and I'll draw out the first question from the mad hat.

"I'm going to a fancy dress party

"as the internet, made of items

You could go as Twitter with

punched in the face. Hello.

Special little brew here for you guys. That's a nice costume.

Some costume would be nice.

I saw that hanging up and thought, Russell's would be in that.

We're trapped here now so we need

Don't drink that one, Greg. Greg.

Ashley, that one is for you. Why?

Are you ready for your bedtime story?

crack on with a fairy tale.

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess called Ashley

32! On Saturday, I turned. So, yeah!

She'd been locked in a tower for daring to argue with the Queen,

"Throw down your hair," shouted Harley. Throw down your hair!

he had learned in his 40 years of being alive, which was...

go back to my raven people.

I'll say, "I met a wise man called

And Jordan shouted something incomprehensible from down the well.

called Ashley were far more hassle

and went home to play his favourite childhood game of... Is it your turn?

Weetabix Down The Pyjamas.

It's a game where I come from.

couldn't help but shouting out

And Ashley the beautiful princess

Sorry, that's my catchphrase.

I will expect a cheque in the post.

Get out of bed, please. You've got

Thank you very much, Ashley.

the wonderful Rizzle Kicks.

# I turn the channel and just see

# Awkward pauses and dodgy moments

# Go and beat their targets

# I've also seen careers end When they ain't even really started

# Jeremy Kyle got the nation

# At other people's expense

# We make people go clap, clap yeah

# When I heard people buy views

# Than all John Terry's black

# I said screw the voting and

# I just wanna see people fight and have sex so let's say hey

# I'm living I'm living life man

# I'm living, I'm living life

# I've got my heart I found my soul

# I wanna dance I wanna have fun

and make my dreams come true

# Keep it up man a beat like this

# Reminds my heart what to do

# I want you to feel useless baby

# That's right every bad boy should

# But I'm a boy it's all good

# I'm an icon standing here

# I'm living, I'm living life man

# I'm living, I'm living life

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd