Episode 7 Staying In with Greg and Russell

Hello, and welcome to our chat show. Staying in with us tonight:

The one and only Tinie Tempah.

Glee's Dianna Agron is staying in the spare room!

# That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh Joe Lycett! #

Joe Lycett is here!

Plus, she's got the extra Xtra Factor, it's Caroline Flack!

This programme contains some strong language.

Hooray! Nice watch.

You are blinging, mate. We've got matching watches. Watch kiss.

Yeah, I've got a Casio! Yay!

I don't wear a watch, do you? We don't wear watches!

Welcome to our pad. What do you reckon? It's big. It's nice.

Tinie, you must live in some swish pad. It's very clean.

But you're a very clean person

I remember when you came to the judges' houses in St Lucia with us,

and you got angry if your trainers got dirty on the beach.

I've seen you before you go on stage when you have brand-new trainers,

and you put bin bags over the trainers and take them off on stage.

Sometimes I will even get on someone's back if it's muddy,

just to take me to the stage. What about you, Joe?

Do you live solo? I actually live in two places. That sounds very posh.

So you're a bi-dweller? I'm a bi-dweller and a bisexual

And I'm middle-class. I'm in the middle of everything

You mentioned judges' houses, Caroline. Yes.

Who's got the best house? Well, sometimes, the houses...

..don't belong to the judges.

This was the biggest anti-climax when I came out to St Lucia,

And I get there, and it's a hotel.

What about Cowell's house?

It's so tidy. It's so tidy. It's kind of all black or white

It's weird, because when I went to his house

to have my first initial meeting for the X Factor,

I went to the wrong house. I went to the house next door.

But they let me in, made me a cup of tea

and gave me some cake for half an hour.

Then she came back in and said

"Excuse me, who are you here to see?"

I said Simon and she said "Oh, no, he lives next door."

Is it true that Simon Cowell has black toilet paper?

I've heard the rumours, but I didn't go to the toilet. What

If I was at Simon Cowell's house, I'd take a shit in every toilet

You have to always go to the toilet in someone's house.

I went to Jennifer Lopez's house in LA.

Was there a really wide toilet for her bootay?

No, but I always make sure I go to the toilet.

I think I do it because I get a bit nervous at first,

so when I walk into somewhere,

more often than not, I'm like, "Can I use the toilet?"

Before hello?

Yeah, before hello.

"Toilet!"

Toilet. I'm always curious to see what people's toilets are like

Black toilet paper, though.

He must have the dirtiest arsehole in show business, mustn't he?

You don't know if you're clean surely?

Thank you. I didn't want to go there, but true.

Well, the new single, we absolutely love. You're performing it later.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, the album is Demonstration

I've heard it, and I genuinely I've told you,

I've embarrassed myself in front of you privately. It's so good

Greg sent me a really nice text about it. Made my day.

I had so much fun recording it and all the people that I got on it,

Dizzee Rascal's on there,

Emeli Sande, Laura Mvula, John Martin, 2 Chainz, Big Sean

It's like a real big record.

So I've got everyone on it who I wanted.

I got all the songs I wanted to get as well, so...

I love what you've done there.

Greg was so excited about your album that he wore his all night.

It's probably better if I do it

Look at this. We're going to recreate the album cover live.

They're amazing, aren't they?

Tinie's album's come to life. Look at that.

I feel like I'm in a very low-budget X-Men.

Yeah!

Joe, you're touring as well? Yes, I am, Russell.

It's a bit of a cliche,

but yours really is a meteoric rise into stand-up.

To be touring already is pretty impressive stuff,

don't you think, ladies and gentlemen?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And your touring show is called

If Joe Lycett, You Should Have Put A Ring On It.

Yes, it is. What's it all about

It's got nothing to do with Beyonce.

It's just comedy for an hour, basically.

I love puns.

Got some ones here.

Tinie and Caroline, I've got some real ones and some fake ones

of Joe's ones that he's called his shows.

Tell me if they're real or not

# Do you really Lycett? Is it is it wicked?

# We're lovin' it, lovin' it lovin' it

# We're lovin' it, Lycett! #

Ooh. What do you reckon? I would like it to be one.

You'd Lycett to be one. Shall we say no? Let's say no.

It wasn't a show.

Some Lycett Hot. Real show title or not real show title?

I would say not real. Joe?

It's a real show title. That was your first Edinburgh show. Sorry.

That's all right.

We clearly didn't see that one did we?

When the kids try to get at you

Drop it Lycett hot Drop it Lycett hot Drop it Lycett hot...

When the kids try and get at you?

Is that...?

Just the "Drop it Lycett hot" bit. Yeah.

That's simply not a show title

I'm trying to make the game harder, Joe.

Sofas. Shall we go and hang on the sofas?

I wish that happened in real life.

Come on over, come on over.

Better here, innit? This?

I always feel more relaxed in the lounge.

It's all right in the kitchen,

but I'm more relaxed when we're all sat down here.

This is like my mum's living room.

Oh, bye!

I think I may have broken a chair.

Oh, no. It's like being on a plane.

Would you like it more reclined sir? Tell me when.

You get comfortable. Just tell me when. No, don't...

It'll never be when, Greg.

Filthy, isn't he, Caroline? Lovely, that's perfect.

If you need anything, just press the call bell above your head.

Tinie, I want to talk to you about music.

What was the one thing that made you want to be a rapper?

Well, I've always liked rap and hip-hop music,

but it's always been a bit far away to me

in the sense that it was American.

So when they were talking about things like

"I just did this on 12th Street in 5th Ave...",

I didn't know what the hell they were going on about.

So it wasn't until I saw the So Solid Crew, it was in 200 .

I was 12 years old and they had that big song, 21 Seconds.

So when I heard that, I was like, "Wow, these guys are from London.

"They're talking about things I can relate to. Maybe this could happen." And then that was it.

So we went through the internet trying to find earlier clips.

I had a little ding-a-ling through the tring-a-ling-a-net

to see if I could have a ding-a ling about your early sing-a-lings. OK.

And this is what I found.

I spit for pop stop ding a ling a ling

No ass, no chops, no ring a ling a ling

I'm cool, not sure but if you want war

My boys will draw for the ting a ling a ling

I pack more than I swing a ling a ling

HE MOUTHS ALONG

..My ding a ling's long like string a ling a ling

I got girls on my ting a ling a ling

Not wifeys one night fling a ling a ling

Recite it, try not to bite it

But if you like it then sing a ling a ling

I'm smokin' like ring a ling a ling

And you're nearly hot like spring a ling a ling

Keep on guard or I'll hit you hard with the ting...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How old were you there?

I must have been about 15.

Oh, wow.

I have to say, it's quite Christmassy sounding, isn't it

Those jingle bells go jing a ling a ling.

I don't know how I managed to sneak "ding a ling a ling" into a rap

You were rapping along to that Are you proud of that early stuff?

I guess you have to. Everything is like growth,

but sometimes you do look back

You guys could have picked so much worse,

so I'm just thankful for that.

But yeah, I always look back on these things proud,

because it's about how far you've come since then, you know.

You talked about So Solid Crew Let's talk about Dolly Parton. OK.

You were a big fan? Like I said this is like my mum's living room, so it brings back a lot of memories.

She was heavily into Dolly Parton

and Kenny Rogers. But more so Dolly Parton.

I remember hearing all her songs

coming out of my mum's living room. Jolene, Jolene,

all that jazz. What I liked about it,

which was why I did talk about it so much at the start of my career,

is the art of storytelling.

Country and western songs are always about a weird story.

Dolly Parton had this song called DIVORCE, and she would spell it

She would spell divorce because she didn't want the kids to hear

that her and her partner were breaking up,

and I thought things like that were really cool.

Tinie, if you weren't a rapper what would you have become?

What were your other interests as a kid?

If I look back on it now, I really like magic.

So now that I've seen Dynamo,

I'm like, "I wish I was Dynamo man."

Caroline, you worked in magic as well. You were a magician's assistant.

It was one of my first jobs.

I was a magician's assistant. But not one of those glamorous

kind of wear feathers and do that kind of thing.

I just used to get in boxes.

We have got a picture of back then. Let's have a look.

LAUGHTER

I used to get in really small boxes

and then they would put swords through.

Through the box. And how is that trick done? It's not a trick.

What do you mean? You just get taught. I was quite flexible.

You just get taught how to dodge the sword.

You literally guide the sword through.

That is a shit Saturday job, isn't it?

You get stabbed for a Saturday job.

TINIE: I used to work in a call centre.

I used to do double glazing.

JOE: I did soffits and guttering.

And I don't know what soffits are, still.

A soffit actually underpins guttering.

It's a device you put under an archway or on a corner.

Oh, thank God! Thank you.

I'm genuinely delighted that I've got that knowledge now.

APPLAUSE

Do you have to guess the gender of the person on the other

end of the phone quite early on in the call?

TINIE: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's scripted, yeah.

JOE: They'd go, "Hello?" and you'd have to go "Hello, madam"?

TINIE: Sir or madam, yeah. JOE: Cos I would get that wrong every time

I did one where I rang up and you had to go,

"Hello, is that the man of the house or is that the lady of the house "

Cos I'm from the past.

And I rang up once and they said hello and I said

"Is that the lady of the house?

And then clearly a man started

laughing sarcastically for about a minute.

And then just went, "Now, fuck off!"

LAUGHTER

Perfect response to that phone call, I feel.

We should go back to your role as telesalesman.

You should call Russell. What were selling?

Double glazing? So Tinie's selling double glazing. Re-enact that.

Give him the phone. Take the phone. So, you call Russell. Right.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Hello, is this the man or the lady?

Man. What can I do? I'm really busy.

I'm selling windows. Do you want some?

LAUGHTER

Talk me through what type of windows.

Have you got windows?

I live in a bungalow where everything's bricked up.

And it's underground. Go on, carry on.

Right. So, basically, these windows,

they're usually on sale for about a grand,

but you sound like a...

A decent bloke. Yeah.

So I'm going to do them for you at a 40% discount.

How does that sound? Sounds good.

We're in the local area, as a matter of fact, between today and tomorrow.

So I'm going to say maybe four till six, you going to be around tomorrow?

That's good, yeah. Yeah?

I'm going to pass my phone onto my colleague, Joe.

Can I... He'll take your details. No, no, it's fine. It's fine.

He'll take your details and we'll see you tomorrow. Cheers, mate

Very kind. That's so good.

Hello, I've bought some windows, even though

I live underground and I've got no windows.

The reason I said yes was it's the same guy who came round before

and he went straight in my toilet and used it.

LAUGHTER

JOE: You sound lovely.

What are you wearing? Bye.

APPLAUSE

You worked at mini-golf? Oh, yeah. What happened there?

Well, that place was a bit mental.

We had a boss there who was very sensitive and he would...

We had this procedure for a bomb threat.

And if somebody...

Cos everyone wants to bomb a mini-golf, don't they?

Al-Qaeda's primary target. "There's too much fun in the West!"

"We've done the Twin Towers, now the mini-golf!"

And we had this script and he would ring up every month or so

pretending to be a bomber.

So you'd have to ring up and go "Hello?" And he'd go,

"There's a bomb in the mini-golf "

And you had to go, "Hello, Steve "

Were you any good at playing mini-golf? No good at all.

I've got bad news for you, then

Because Greg has been up all night making you a mini-golf course.

He's was wearing his Tinie Tempah glasses at the time,

so it's not brilliant.

Do you want to play? Yeah! Let's go.

Excellent. Come on, Joe.

APPLAUSE

What we want you to do, we want you to hit the ball into either

Tinie's mouth, Caroline's mouth or your mouth

Now, it's literally impossible to get into Tinie's mouth from here.

Not the first time that's been said. I mean, I bloody try!

Give it a go. Can I just?

AUDIENCE GASP AND LAUGH

APPLAUSE

Yeah, you could do that.

I didn't realise that was ceramic. I thought...

Good job it wasn't the one with my grandad's ashes in it. Let's try this one.

No. OK. So what you have to do now you've got rid of...

I feel so alive after doing that!

I want to smash everything up!

OK. Watch out, Greg.

Just going to move those out of the way.

Yes! It was badly placed.

Let's try Flack.

Oh, I hit Flack, but it didn't get in her mouth!

LAUGHTER

Go a bit closer, if you like.

You're allowed as many strokes as it takes to complete.

LAUGHTER

I like you.

What I need to do is...

There we go. Is "I need to be treated like a baby."

CHEERING

OK, let's go over here and ask this question to Caroline.

Caroline, your new boyfriend Jack Street

is eight years younger than you

What are the benefits of going out with a younger man?

Umm... aren't really any benefits, really.

Is Jack Street eight years?

Oh, no, eight years younger. Sorry.

LAUGHTER

That would be weird. Yeah. It's good, thanks.

Does he have lovely, smooth skin?

LAUGHTER

And firm buttocks?

LAUGHTER

Some of the relationships you've had

have been quite high profile, haven't they?

Did it just go nuts?

It was strange, because it was. .

The weird thing with unconventional relationships is the only

problem with it is other people

And that's what you find.

Other people were a problem. Nothing else seemed to be a problem.

Did it make the relationship impossible in the end,

because of people's idiotic behaviour around it?

Yeah, completely impossible. It was just... Yeah.

There was the other thing that the papers gave you a hard time about.

Prince Harry. You like your Harrys.

LAUGHTER

Was that just a living hell?

It's very weird when they turn something that's

so personal to you into almost entertainment.

Do you know what I mean? It's not part of your job.

Relationships aren't part of your job. I know. So, yeah.

It becomes a little bit invasive.

All right, Joe, let's go back. Another question.

OK, going to pop this in Tinie Temp-on.

LAUGHTER

There we go, lovely. There we go.

APPLAUSE

So what's the question for Tinie?

Tinie, you wrote this tweet to Rihanna.

"Oooh! I wanna fuck you right now."

Did she go for it?

LAUGHTER

TINIE: No, unfortunately not. It's a lyric from one of her songs.

JOE: Oh. So, you didn't want to

TINIE: No, I do want to! But, no. I do want to.

But, no, it wasn't...

It was just a lyric from her song that I really liked at the time

JOE: Did she reply? Did she retweet, fav? Did she fav it?

TINIE: Yeah, she retweeted it.

JOE: She retweeted it? That's a good start, isn't it?

TINIE: Definitely.

JOE: Why didn't you follow it up at all?

TINIE: I was busy. Whatevs about Rihanna. Whatevs

Didn't you get a bit cosy with Cameron Diaz?

No, just a friendship one.

JOE: I want to know what celebrities everyone's fucked.

That's what I want to know!

Oh, we know Caroline's.

AUDIENCE GASP AND LAUGH

I don't think that deserves a clap. Soz, soz!

Oh, I got it straight in my own mouth!

Oh, OK.

"of the X Factor announcer, Peter Dixon.

"Can we hear it?"

We want to hear it.

CHEERING

Who is a contestant this year?

Oh, who is the really lovely one who is in the overs? What's her name?

Sam Bailey. Sam Bailey.

Live from London...it's Sam Bailey!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

They weren't expecting that.

My all-time favourite is Rachel Adedeji.

Rachel Adedeji!

We could literally do it all day. All day.

Greg James!

I tell you what would be brilliant, if you could just... Touch me!

Thank you very much. Thanks. We've got a special guest.

Dianna Agron's in the bloody spare room. Sorry.

Guys, help yourself to drinks.

Fitty in the spare room alert!

Hey. Hi. Hi. Dianne Agron from Glee. How are you doing?

Good, how are you? How are you settling in?

Yeah. It's good.

Seeing as you are here, it would be a bit of a wasted opportunity

if we didn't ask you a few questions. Is that OK? Sure.

First question, Dianna, which one of us do you fancy the most

Did you write these? You don't have to read all of them.

Maybe that was a bit much.

Next one. We all know you from Glee. Your new film is The Family.

Please tell us about your film My film is about a family.

They are a mob family and they are hiding out in Normandy

and trying to assimilate and it doesn't work very well.

Welcome to France. Try to fit in.

I'm getting tired of trying finding you a new place to live every 90 days.

Do we still have the same names We are the Blake family.

Anything to report?

Oops!

They obviously judge better than we do.

You're a maniac. Thank you.

When I watch that scene in the film, I was initially quite turned on

I was actually annoyed.

This is my grandfather's.

Mine was much more destroyed than that.

Got some French for you.

We'll read you a French sentence.

You can see if you can translate it. OK.

HE SPEAKS FRENCH

Back off, dog. No, I don't know what the first part is.

"Bring me something to drink or I'll kill the dog."

HE SPEAKS FRENCH

No. Real sentence.

"If my uncle shaves your uncle your uncle will be shaved."

That's not true. I actually use that when I'm away. Show me that card.

Yeah, no.

There are some notes on there about what I think about you.

"The only real language in the world is a kiss."

OK, the French for that is...

HE SPEAKS FRENCH

Greg, you wouldn't do it aggressive.

You wouldn't go up to somebody going,

"The only real language is a kiss."

Oh, you've wooed me, with your violent request.

So how would you say it then?

I would say it...

HE SPEAKS FRENCH SOFTLY

That's creepy. The pause was good too.

And then a creepy hand kiss, you know, when a bit of time comes out.

When a Frenchman does... "You look so beautiful."

That's the worst thing you've ever done. A tiny hand kiss.

That is gross. Dianna, thanks very much. Thanks for chatting to us

Thank you. Greg fancies you.

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Good. Sorry about that. How fit was she? I had a full panic attack.

Now, Tinie, you are looking pretty sharp tonight.

You always look sharp. It's quite intimidating to be around you.

Cheers. You've even won awards for looking sharp, haven't you

Thanks, yeah. Are your glasses actually prescription...

Don't need them at all.

No, no. What? Yeah, I've said this many times

I've just realised that me and Joe actually look the same

We are the same human. Yeah, look.

We've got white sneakers...

although mine are dirty, soz.

And we've got our little dress jumpers.

So me and Russell are quite fascinated with your life.

We managed to sneak along with you.

You might not have realised we were there at the time.

If we look at you at the MOBOs Let's look at that.

We shrunk down. That is amazing

I can get these shrinking pills from a mate of mine in Essex.

We wanted a tiny slice of the Tinie life.

So we miniaturised ourselves and have been following you around. OK.

I reckon our favourite experience

was going to Radio 1's Big Weekend in 2010.

Yeah. I played in North Wales. We loved going there.

# Yeah, yeah...

Yeah, boy. Yeah! I'm in Tinie's pocket.

Come on, Greg, you dick. You are missing it.

What is this? Get into it. So hot and loud.

You have been in the pocket, you dick. Take these of. Argh!

Hey! What's going on? Hey, up there! He's going to leave the stage.

Argh!

Actually this is quite nice.

She threw her knickers. Look at the size of them!

Make some noise.

That was a gig! So weird. That was hilarious.

It's so weird cos I wear that same outfit on stage, as well.

Tinie, you have one more job. OK.

We need to hear that single. All right.

We love it. You've got John Martin here, as well. I have.

So to play us out tonight, it's Tinie Tempah with John Martin,

new single is Children Of The Sun.

CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH

# Lookin' for a light that can outshine the sun

# I know one day our time will come

# Bought a camera to capture these cinematic nights

# Still don't satisfy my appetite for this lavish life

# Tell me, Doctor, am I fit for all these flashing lights?

# Like Michael said, it doesn't matter if you're black or white

# Look at the colours that's under the sun above us

# All we have is each other

# In case you happen to wonder Let's go!

# Lay down your head

# You're not alone

# Anywhere you go, I'll follow

# Oh, we are the children of the sun

# That's all you need to know

# Lay down your head # Greg James

# You're not alone # Russell Kane

# Anywhere you go, I'll follow # Staying in!

# We are the children of the sun # John Martin

# That's all you need to know # Yeah

# Moonwalker like Michael

# Skywalk all over my rivals

# Both hands on that Bible

# Man, I'm next in line for that title

# Man, had nothing to do I was idle

# Was in the studio with Taio

# Now we're c-c-c-c-climbing high

# We ain't on no Kilimanjaro

# Now they p-p-p-p-panicking

# They don't really know what's happening

# Now we've got our clothes on a mannequin

# We don't want no comparison

# I overdosed on extravagance

# Went for gold and got platinum

# I told my bro to get an ambulance

# Cos I caught a cold and went spaz on 'em

# Yeah...

# How can home be where the heart is

# When your shadow even leaves you

# When you are in darkness?

# Still get stopped by Sergeant Pepper

# Looking for that Ziggy Stardust

# After a lifetime of regret

# I'm just looking for some answers Yeah

# Lay down your head

# You're not alone

# Anywhere you go, I'll follow

# Oh, we are the children of the sun

# That's all you need to know # That's all you need to know!

# Lay down your head

# You're not alone

# Anywhere you go, I'll follow

# We are the children of the sun # The children of the sun

# That's all you need to know

# I had opportunity at my window

# Wise words on my Kindle

# Disturbing London, we raise the bar

# Your team is stuck in limbo

# Like Freddie, Bruno Ringo

# I saw the signs and symbols

# With that top down on my yellow ride

# Let bitches hate on my bimbo

# I'm yards away from that milestone

# International dial tone

# Put me through Amaro when you Instagram on your iPhone

# From yellow bricks to them brownstones

# I ring bells, I'm household

# Look at all the rappers we out-sold, so shh...

# Keep your mouth closed

# And yeah

# How did I become so jaded?

# Maybe all these insecurities

# Are making me feel naked

# Feel like Harry did in Vegas

# Had my privacy invaded

# That's a liberty, a pity

# The epitome of what fame is

# P-P-Priests up in my parish

# Keep on putting me in their prayers

# Swear I'd never sell my soul

# My pride and dignity is too major

# Yeah

# We rarely ever get those second chances

# After a lifetime of regret

# I'm just looking for some answers Yeah

# Lay down your head

# You're not alone

# Anywhere you go, I'll follow

# Oh, we are the children of the sun I love the way that looks!

# That's all you need to know It's all you need to know

# Lay down your head

# You're not alone Yeah

# Anywhere you go, I'll follow Demonstration

# Out now! We are the children of the sun

# That's all you need to know. #

CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd