Episode 6 Staying In with Greg and Russell

Hello and welcome to our chat show. Stay in with us tonight,

the shamazing Nicole Scherzinger, Hollywood stars Natalie Portman

and Chris Hemsworth, funny man Seann Walsh,

magician Dynamo,

and singer Johnny Newman will be gigging in our garden.

And Russ, oh, my God, I can't believe it's happened.

the most beautiful women in the world, -

# Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?

# Don't you? #

Ahh!

Oh, my God.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Welcome, everybody.

Hi. Hello.

Hello. Happy Halloween. ALL: Happy Halloween.

Nicole, we are so glad to have you on the show. Nicole Scherzinger, look!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks for having me on.

I know we're on telly and it's a bit awkward,

but you're kind of my dream woman.

Seriouly?

Seriouly. Absolutely seriouly.

I heart you, Greg. I heart you, too.

I'm so pleased that you got the gift that I sent you - the Greggs hat.

They hair net as well. Thank you. That's absolutely my pleasure.

Also, I've got a hat that I've made that I'm going to wear for the show.

Isn't this amazing, guys? Come on, just clap.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Clap!

Right, Nicole, trick or treat? Treat. Treat?

How about some tequila? Yeah! Cafe Patron!

I can't believe you have it. Have you all ever had this? What is it?

Cafe Patron.

FRENCH ACCENT: No, I have not had this.

Is it amazing? It's like tequila but with a shot of espresso.

Oh, right, so I'm pissed AND awake? That's great.

That's a bit like Jagerbombs -

you just lie in bed till five in the morning going,

CHEERING

Why is my shot the biggest?

Dynamo, trick or treat? You have to say "trick". Trick

I've been practising. Oh, no, don't... Yay!

Check the coin. Keep your eyes on the coin, OK? I'm trying to

As if you are trying to show Dynamo a trick, Dick.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, good job, buddy!

Way to go!

Give as one of yours. All right I want to try something,

but in order for this to work, I m going to need one of you to kiss me.

Nicole?

What about one of you boys? OK But just blow me a kiss.

OK. Just blow a kiss in the direction of my cards over here. OK.

Got it. I'm going to go through these cards. They are all blank

I'll just place them down, like this.

I know some people that could get some one with hearts on them(!

I'll just hook a brother up. Yeah.

Always looking out. Just say stop.

Stop. Right there? On this card The one I just placed down? Yeah.

Or do you want that one? I think I want that one. OK. Slide that up.

So...

You could have had any of these. .

..any of these... Mm-hm.

..any of these ones. All right

You picked this one right here Uh-huh. Turn it over.

Oh, my God.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I want to take this a step further, though. OK.

Just write your name, nice and big. In print or... However you want

Everyone see that?

Just bite down on the card. Right here. That's perfect.

I'll take this card. Everyone see this?

I'll do the same thing.

Give me your hands.

Where are we going?

No way! No way?!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Get out of here!

That's crazy.

You are a master and I hate you Thank you.

We actually got some footage of young Dynamo, so check this out.

Steven! Tea's ready. I got your favourite - popcorn

I can't eat popcorn, it gives me mucus. The mucus gets on the cards.

You're not coming down until you ve mastered that trip, all right?

'It was time to get onto the streets

'and practise my magic on my best friend, Gregory.'

Pass me your phone and I'll do some magic.

But you don't know how to do magic, though. I can.

See your phone? Yeah. Watch.

You're in.

I told you you couldn't do it. I can.

Sorry, mate.

Yeah, take that one. Eat your card and I'll eat mine

Look at me.

This will be your card.

SPLAT!

Is that your card?

It's hard to tell, Steven.

It's Dynamo.

APPLAUSE

I have got an awesome trick. OK

I can make us all disappear and reappear in the lounge. What? Ready?

Expeliamos!

Right, your trick was better than yours.

Yeah, Greg made a coin disappear. I teleported humans(!) Sorry.

Now, Nicole, we're both from seaside towns.

You're from Honolulu and I'm from Southend.

Look at that. Aw... Where did you get that picture

That is Nicole Scherzinger with fruit on her head, ladies and gentlemen.

You left Hawaii quite young. You were about six or seven years old.

Yeah, I was born in Hawaii and then I grew up in Louisville, Kentucky,,

which is the South. Your mum was a hula dancer, is that right? Yes.

Did your mum show you any hula skills? Any that you might want ..

Put it this way, me and Greg earlier were saying how good it would be

if we could give you a lei while we're on the show.

So we've got one for you. Thank you.

Would you be willing to show us any hula moves?

Huh? Huh?

Please teach us how to hula. We'll get up.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Can you get it over my big hair

You can teach us, if you like. I'm not a good hula dancer.

I wouldn't even know where to start. Give us a basic move.

Is hula hoop the same as hula?

It's like a moon, so you have to go... You cannot move from here up.

A moon? So is just the hips, then?

HULA MUSIC PLAYS

OK. And then you can go down.

I'm quite enjoying it.

Up on your toes.

Go down, don't move the top.

Down. A bit low. Lower. Greg, you're not even following us.

That's pretty cool.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, I like that better.

Is that like a really sexy way of getting onto the toilet?

Oh, yeah, baby.

"I've got to the toilet, but I don't want to ruin my dress.

"I don't want to feel dirty. So I'm just going to..."

Oh, ease on down!

"Oh, land one."

Right, Nicole, so you've been here for a little while now in the UK.

We think you've settled in quite well

and we think you like the UK quite a lot. Fair to say? Love

But if you are going to come here and live, you're going to

have to pass this thing we've got called the British Citizenship Test.

This is your potential passport which we've actually had made.

There we are. Aw, bless!

It's the worst picture ever.

I'm so happy you all found it(!

It's important that you know the country. I'll give you some British town names.

I just want you to tell me if they are real or not. Oh, no. True or false.

The first one - Shitterton.

Are you saying Shit-a-ton? Shitterton.

I'm going to say yes. You're correct.

APPLAUSE

Genuinely, genuinely next to the valley of Scratchy Bottom.

The next one - Fingringhoe.

That's like... Wait... What?!

Is this a real town or not? Fingringhoe?

That can NOT be real!

Are you going for false? False

I'm afraid it really is a place

Unsurprisingly in Essex, where I'm from.

It's known for its salt marshes and very friendly ladies.

Oh, my gosh, that's so funny.

I took a picture for my parents because you have a pub

and it's called The Big Cock. I love it!

Real place? Why not? I've heard worse. That's correct.

It's a town in north-west Ireland - Muff. Aw, bless.

I know you're not going to believe this bit,

but Greg and I have done a bit of research,

they genuinely - because they are on the coast -

have a diving club and it is called Muff Diving Club.

Oh, my God!

In Colorado - that reminds me -

there is a town called Beaver Creek,

and the local liquor store is called Beaver Liquors!

Every day... Every time, I'm like, "Aha-ha-ha!"

The Brits love a hobby, OK? We have the perfect hobby for you.

This is huge in Britain, absolutely huge, particular in Norfolk,

because there's not much to do apart from your own family. So. .

The hobby we've got for you is...snail racing.

Do they race? They do now!

Shut up! Join us at the shell-o-drome. Let's go. Aw...

OK. What's happened here? Oh, those two are doing it.

These are our snails and this is our shell-o-drome. It's quite a simple sport.

They genuinely play this in Norfolk a lot.

You put your snails in the middle

and whoever reaches the edge first wins. Oh, my God. What's up?

It's his antler...

Put him down. Look his little antlers.

Ohh! I have to say, yours is the most beautiful, Nicole.

In the garden, even your snail is beautiful.

SEANN: You're putting yours in front of mine.

I'm not going to lie to you, it s quite a slow sport. What is mine...

Come on, honey, you are just working it. I'm going to leave you to it for now.

I'm going to meet some friends that have just...

You'd better not have A-listers in the cupboard again.

No, it's just a couple of guys popping over. I'll speak to you in a bit. Look at Nicole's one

She's doing really good.

Chris, lovely to see you. Good to see you.

Thanks for being in our cupboard. What you think of it? It's great.

It's just a little bit like my diet in this film - lots of chicken

Let's talk about your new film

I saw it the other day - absolutely mind-blowing. Oh, cool. Thanks

So, I'm going to level with you man to man,

I've just got to say this to you, you are very easy on the eye.

Thank you.

Well, let's have a little look at the new Thor film.

I got this completely under control. Is that why everything's on fire(?)

I want to talk about the hammer The hammer? OK?

It's an amazing weapon. It comes up whenever you want it. Sure.

You put your hand up, it's there. Yeah. A quick hammer test for you.

Sure. So, name that hammer. It's a hammer with a black handle.

It's a claw hammer. The claw hammer? That's what I said. This one?

This is a xylophone thing. # Da da da da... #

Or, I like to call it, a mini-Thor hammer. It is, isn't it?

You see that? This one is cooler. You like this one? Yes.

You can have that. Thank you. Please, I feel quite threatened

Next question. What I'd really like is if Thor went back to Home And Away now, just for one episode.

Sure, that could be cool.

Hang out with Alf from the pub have a beer. You'd love it.

He'd show you a few things. "Show me that hammer, Thor!"

There could be a Home And Away reunion.

Walk out of the sea. "Hi guys, I'm back." I'm back.

Chris Hemsworth, thank you for being in our cupboard today. Thanks, buddy.

Feel free to just sit here for a bit, try on some coats, have a bit of chicken.

Thank you. Fantastic. Cheers.

And if any of the other cast members from Thor are around,

particularly...Portman,

OK, sure. You can have that... Thanks, man.

Can I just say, Nicole's snail won and we captured the footage.

CHEERING

She won fair and square. I'm kind of annoyed.

I'm so competitive and I was like,

"Come on, baby," and she was so fast.

You're quite competitive and quite sporty and stuff, aren't you?

Well, I wasn't always so sport-terrific.

Um... Just sporty.

I played softball when I was younger

and they always put me really far back in the outfield

Explain softball to us.

Softball's like baseball but a little bit bigger than a baseball. Yeah?

And we do, like, underhand, like that.

I prefer that instantly.

Yeah, it's like the slightly easier version than baseball.

Underhand bowling is better. I prefer underhand bowling.

You can go like that and still look hot while you're doing it

And still look shamazing whilst throwing.

Well, anyway we're going to have... I'm straight by the way...

LAUGHTER You are?

Yeah, I'm just very in touch with...

LAUGHTER

Oh, no, I love you!

Now, in England we have rounders, I suppose it's the closest thing,

so we have set up, in the flat a little version of it

that we thought we could play with you,

and it's called Getting To Fourth Base With Nicole. Oh, no

You're going to hit whatever Greg bowls at you,

and you have to try and get to first base, second base,

third base and fourth base.

First base is currently over there in the audience.

If you get to first base successfully though,

there will be a reward/challenge waiting for you over there.

OK. Reward...stroke challenge? No, not a reward stroke!

LAUGHTER

Oh, no! OK, ready?

Oh!

First strike.

This is a small tomato. Can you throw something bigger

To-MAH-to!

Scotch egg! Yes!

That is a Scotch egg. Don't ask. Right.

Big ball.

SHE SQUEALS Oh, sh...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Useless!

I do like tennis lessons. So, do you know what...

Ready?

LAUGHTER

Oh! Ah!

APPLAUSE Run, first base, go!

Be lenient, guys.

She's there. SHE SQUEALS

We are here at first base, and first base is...

touching.

So if you'd just like to open your furry pouch, madam.

So I have to tell you what's in there?

Yeah, just try and guess what's in there.

On you go.

Describe how it feels.

It's a little bit cold on my fingertips.

I'm touching it all over.

What do you think it is? A type of...bean.

Is it a kidney bean? It is a type of bean,

it's a slightly darker colour.

A black-eyed pea. Yes!

CHEERING People are thinking, "Why the black-eyed peas?"

but there's something people might not know about the Black Eyed Peas.

Tell us what happened.

Will asked me to be in the Peas, originally.

What happened? You were just like, "No, I don't fancy that"?

My fiance at the time said no. Really? Mm.

I was working on my own solo music, so, yeah...

But I loved the Peas at that time,

so I was kind of sad, but Fergie, it worked out for her.

But you're going to be a guest vocalist

on will.i.am's new album, aren't you? You doing that?

I'm on a bunch of songs which he does NOT credit me for.

Hello!

I watched this movie the other day - what's it called, The Great Gatsby?

Yeah.

And the opening scene, when you go to Gatsby's dude's house,

everyone's having a party,

there's fountains, there's confetti and there's a song...

# Bang, bang...

# Love him down Shot my baby with a

"You never even told me that!

Yeah! No way! I didn't even know he put it out until I saw the movie.

That's pretty awesome. I think we're ready to try and hit second base. My hands are still wet and sticky.

Don't worry, we've got baby wipes here, baby.

What would you like?

I want to throw... Some cheese

Yeah, a big old thing of cheese Big old thing of cheese.

Come on, Greg, do it for the sausages!

ALL: Oh!

KLAXON

So, we're at second base, which is...

kissing, ladies and gentlemen.

ALL: Whoo!

OK, who would you snog, marry,

or kill, out of those three?

I'd snog Lou-Lou,

I'd marry Gazza, cos he's a great dad...

and I'd kill Simon.

APPLAUSE

Is there any reason behind that It's just Simon.

Right, let's go, let's do one more. Come on, one more. You OK?

Don't step on the cheese.

Right, you can do this?

Oh, wait, hold on, let me focus

So you're going to smack it. You've got to get a home run.

Oh.

Oh, no!

CHEERING

I've got you a special surprise for getting a home run. OK?

Oh, no.

Now, a game of softball

is never complete without a mascot. OK?

Here, all the way from America is someone you know very well.

It's...

King Louie.

MUSIC: "Circle Of Life" From The Lion King

Oh, my God!

Oh!

King Louie!

Hey, King Louie! All right?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Now, Nicole, we can see you're shamazed,

but do you want to tell everyone who this is and how you know him?

This is King Louie.

So, growing up I always sang

and one of my first jobs was at an amusement park.

It's now called Six Flags

but at the time it was called Kentucky Kingdom.

Every week we'd have to take turns and dress up as King Louie

and walk around the park and meet the kids

and then we'd have to do the choreography

and do the entire show as King Louie.

When was the last time you saw King Louie, then? How long has it been?

It's been forever. Give him a hug.

Oh... Hi, King Louie!

APPLAUSE I really enjoyed the game.

Do you mind if I just go off to the coat cupboard again

I'm just feeling a bit hot and bothered.

There better not be another A-lister in there, cos I'll be really annoyed.

He's always has these cool friends in the cupboard.

Hi. Hi.

How are you? Great. Good. Thanks for being in our cupboard today

Thank, it's terrifying.

The film is incredible.

Thor is back. You're back.

Tell us about what people can expect from this new one.

There's a lot of romance.

'Jane's sad at the beginning of the movie

'because Thor hasn't called her in two years, which is horrible '

Jane.

Sorry, I just needed to make sure you were real.

It's been a very strange day. I am. Jane...

Where WERE you? Where were YOU

Heimdall cannot see you.

I was right here where you left me.

So being romantically involved with Thor

must be a very fun part of the job,

but I want to talk about real life.

If you were a real-life queen, what would you do for the day?

I don't know. What do you get to...

What do you get when you're queen? Do you get... Immortality.

She's old but she's not...

She at some point will die.

I hope not. How dare you! She will die at some point.

Will I get hung for saying that I hope not. Probably. That's treason.

OK, the Queen will never die.

I'll leave you to it and I'll see you soon. Thank you.

OK, yeah, leave us here(!)

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Welcome, welcome, welcome to our completely legal gambling den.

Right, everyone, visors on, please. As we're in a casino.

Dynamo, you were actually a croupier.

He was a croupier, everybody!

That's pretty cool. CHEERING

At Gala Casino in Bradford. Yeah, for a little while.

So you've got, like, a signature shuffle, haven't you?

Can you show us it?

You do it like this.

I'll even put in some dance moves,

just to...

That's cool. No way.

Hey!

APPLAUSE

Do you know what we're going to play now? Yes. Chat Roulette

Now, don't worry, Chat Roulette isn't just middle-aged men getting their knobs out,

we're going to play our own version of it right here, right now.

What we're going to do, Dynamo

we're going to have you spin the roulette ball,

and wherever it lands,

we're going to get someone from the audience to ask you a question.

Dynamo, let's play Chat Roulette.

Do it. No more bets.

No more bets.

Number 12.

Hello, what's your name? My name's Nina.

Nina, hi. Hi.

Who do you want to chat to? I want to talk to Nicole.

Hi, sweet pea. Hello. Hello. How are you?

Yeah, I'm good thanks.

How are you? I'm good, how are you? Yeah.

LAUGHTER

How did you get into theatre music?

I just sang all my life.

I wanted to be Whitney Houston

from the time I was five, six years old

and then my family really didn't have much money

so I kind of researched schools that could give me the education

and there I found a lot of creative, weird people like me

So sad we're having to use our imaginations, when this clip exists.

Oh, no.

# Feel the motion

# Down the hill. #

APPLAUSE

Thank you, Nina. Thank you very much. Bye-bye, darling.

Ladies and gents, that's all we have time for tonight.

Please thank our guests - Dynamo! CHEERING

Seann Walsh! CHEERING

And Nicole Scherzinger!

CHEERING

But now make some noise for John Newman as he performs Cheating!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# I saw you Sunday, Monday

# Hanging with your man, yeah

# You came back on a Tuesday

# With that cold hard look of shame

# Ooh-ohh

# I could love you better

# Better than you once knew

# And if you're cheating

# Cheat on

# Cos cheating's just a thing you do It's just a thing you do, yeah

# I saw you Friday, Saturday

# Tearing up another heart

# You came home cryin'

# Why d'you take it all so hard

# You know I love you better

# Better than you once knew

# And if you're cheating, cheat on

# I would never cheat on you No, no, no, baby

# I love you better

# Better than you once knew

# And if you're cheating, cheat on

# Cos cheating's just a thing you do It's just a thing you do

CHEERING

# I miss all the torture, babe

# You are the one that's creeping

# You are the one that's cheating

# But if your heart is beating Bring it on, bring it to me

# You are the one that's creeping

# You are the one that's cheating

# But if your heart is beating Bring it on

# You are the one that's creeping

# You are the one that's cheating

# But if your heart is beating Bring it on, bring it to me

# You are the one that's creeping

# You are the one that's cheating

# But if your heart is beating Bring it on, bring it to me

# You know I love you better

# Better than you once knew

# And if you're cheating, cheat on

# I would never cheat on you, baby

# I love you better

# Better than you once knew

# And if you're cheating, cheat on

# Cheating's just a thing you do #

Oh!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd