Episode 5 Staying In with Greg and Russell

This programme contains some strong language.

On tonight's Staying In, we've got Britney, bitch!

CHEERING Who else is on the show?

World-famous pop group Little Mix are in the house.

Rapper Wretch 32 stops by.

Reality star Rylan Clark comes over.

Plus X Factor champion James Arthur is in the neighbourhood.

And we've got a little help from Rylan right now,

because as you can see, I'm dressed up for Britney, bitch.

So can you do this bit whilst I go and get ready?

Yeah. Yeah? All right.

Jump to. Let's do it. Enjoy the show!

CHEERING

It's staying in with Russell and Rylan. I'm quite excited, actually.

CHEERING

Little Mix! It's only Little Mix!

All right, girls? Excellent! How are you doing? Good!

Jesy, Perrie, Jade, Leigh-Anne welcome. Thank you! Thank you!

What do you think about our place, then? Do you like it? We love it. I'm really digging the camels.

Yeah. Everyone loves them camels.

I like it, I do like it, but this is a bit of a pad, to be fair.

I don't know how I'd feel about having people watching me sleep

But other than that, I like it I like it.

Me, I sleep better knowing people are looking on. LAUGHTER

Do you actually live together as well?

Cos we always imagine a band living in the same fun house.

We used to. Two and two.

But then we all decided we had too many clothes, so we live on our own.

Who lived with who, then? Me and Jess. We had some of the best times, didn't we, though, in our flat

Where do you live now? One of you lives with a ghost.

Who lives with a ghost? Oh, I used to.

She used to have one in her room .. An actual ghost? I believe so, yes.

Cos my room was very cold all the time.

And then I'd go to sleep at night-time,

and the telly would switch on by itself.

Are you sure that you just didn t have your heating on and you weren't lying on your remote? Yeah.

LAUGHTER

I'm pretty sure. What come on the telly? Just like the fizzy screen...

Oh, that's the worst!

Or like they girl with the crayon and the doll, like...

PHONE RINGS

Ah!

I thought it was a ghost. It's the landline.

Hello, Greg.

Is it just me, or has Rylan had his teeth done?

That's totally inappropriate, you can't say that.

What's he saying?

He said he's not being funny, but have you had your teeth done?

LAUGHTER

No. Have you had anything done to your face, any work?

Yeah, I've had a little bit of Botox.

And everyone goes, "Oh, you're 24, you're 25,

"why are you having Botox?" And I go, "Look, I'd rather have it now

"to stop the lines, than have the lines and try and fill them up!

It doesn't look like you've had loads,

though, d'you know what I mean I'm a natural beauty, babe, to be fair.

So, Perrie, congratulations. Engaged, ladies and gentlemen!

APPLAUSE

To One Direction. How are you finding it? It just feels normal, it feels nice.

I don't feel any different.

It didn't change the way the commitment felt,

it didn't feel like it was more serious? No! I'm excited.

Well, listen, I think

every single bird in here wants to know, how did he propose? Yes.

Was it like some big...

Oh, my God, fireworks at the top of the Eiffel Tower...

# That's what makes you beautiful... # ?

No! I haven't really spoken about the engagement, to be honest.

I just announced that when we were engaged.

I said, "Yeah, we're engaged, we're happy," but I never really talk about anything personal with me

and him, because everything is out there so much.

It's nice to keep something a bit more sentimental. Was it in the bath? No!

He came up out of the water with the ring? Was in the kitchen? No!

Was in the downstairs toilet. No! Living room? No!

Bedroom? No.

What other rooms do people have !

It might have been out and about. Maybe it was outside. Was it the garden?

Maybe it was. Aw...! Casual gazebo from Argos.

The sprinklers come on, and you re like, "We're wet, I hadn't noticed."

Russ, can you...? Oh, hi, Little Mix.

Russ, can you keep it down and stop showing off to the girls?

It's so embarrassing. I'm trying to concentrate in here, dick!

LAUGHTER

Wretch, mate, thanks for helping me out. I mean, this is Britney, bitch. This is big.

This is a big interview, man. This is the pinnacle, man. This is it.

Right, so, what do you do when you get starstruck?

I just pretend that I'm a bigger celebrity than the person

I'm in front of. So put someone in your head. I don't know, George Clooney.

OK. OK, so you're now George Clooney.

So George Clooney is interviewing Britney Spears. No, no, no.

You're interviewing Britney Spears. Where's George Clooney? Inside you.

Why is George Clooney having sex with me? No, no, not that kind of inside.

On the inside. I can't stop thinking about his cock. No, just...

just the coolness.

That's all you need to worry about. You see, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, I'm Clooney. This is what I'm saying.

I can do a coffee advert as well. Yeah. Hey, I'm George Clooney. That's it, that's right.

Listen, I know that one of you has got a very strong party trick,

and it's making the noise of a goat maybe...?

Could that be you?

It must be pretty good for it to have got round the internet the world and to us.

Can I hear this goat noise? Yeah.

SHE MIMES TO REAL GOAT BLEATING

That's fantastic. That is an actual goat.

APPLAUSE

Have you always been to do this

Or was it, like, you were six years old, it was primary school

talent day, and they were like "Perrie?" And you were like...

It was in the kitchen with my friend, and I thought it sounded good, so... Casual goat.

Well, it's so good, I thought we could maybe phone a vet

for real and see if you can convince a vet that you're actually a goat.

I'm going to get the vet on the line, do a bit of spiel

and then I'm going to say... Am I a wounded goat?

I'm going to pretend you've got something wrong with your teat Teat? Yeah.

But this is a genuine vet. What s a teat? So this is the scenario

So he's going to call up the vet, blah blah blah, there's something wrong with the goat.

What's wrong with the goat is he's been trying to milk you,

and it ain't been working, babe And you're making a funny old noise.

Your teat is red raw. Wow.

Disturbing.

Hello? 'Hi!'

I've had a...

I keep a couple of goats on my land

and I think there might be a problem with one of them.

One of their teats looks rather red and swollen.

And I think there might be a problem.

When I'm trying to milk the goat, it's making quite a strange...

Actually, it's here at the moment. Come here. Come here, Perrie. Come here.

Just tell me if this sounds right to you.

BLEATING

Do you think...? Do I need to worry or...? 'Is it male or female?'

It's definitely female. 'You sure? It sounds quite masculine.'

It sounds quite masculine? Just listen again.

I'm just going to tease the end of the swollen gland.

BLEATING

'Oh, OK, well, I mean, I think it's been possibly mastitis.'

What do you do about mastitis?

'Well, mastitis involves antibiotic treatment,

'but it also involves sort of warm water massages and compresses.

Sounds like a good night to me

I promise I'll give Perrie a warm water bath after this. 'OK

'Well, just make sure you get her seen as well.'

Oh, and by the way, that was someone from Little Mix...!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right, Greg's messed up the rubbish, so I'm going to go

and sort the bins out. See you in a bit. Bye! Make yourself at home, yeah?

Help yourself to snacks. Have a cherry, babes. Have some sweets

Hey, James Arthur! Hello, mate What you doing here? I'm...

I pressed the wrong button, so I m on the wrong floor. Do you live here?

Yeah, yeah, I'm downstairs. No way!

Yeah, man, I've just not really been here, cos I've been playing my music.

That's why have not bumped into you, cos you've been working on your new album. That's it.

Are you still in touch with anyone else from the X Factor? Rylan? Yes.

But of a character. I love Rylan. What was it like sharing a room with him?

Rylan was always naked. Always naked. It got to the point where...

Rylan's naked again. It was very normal for him to be naked

This is my floor, man. Thanks for chatting. Nice to see you.

I would say, do you want to go out? But we're just staying in.

Why do you get your instruments and come and play? I'll go grab my guitar.

That would be awesome, mate. It's been a pleasure chatting. See you later.

You too, man, take care. That was such a long journey for three floors.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Rylan!

Guess who I just saw in the lift. Who?

James Arthur was in there. You saw who?

James Arthur's living in the flat below us,

and I bumped into him in the lift. You are right? Got my hand out here.

Yeah, sorry, man. Right, so we've got Little Mix in the basement

Britney's in the garage. And now it's just us lads.

We'll have some lad time. By the way, Wretch, have you met Rylan before?

I have. Are you all right? I'm good. Nice to meet you.

So Greg and I, we want to get to know you properly.

cos Wretch 32 isn't your real name, is it? No, unfortunately not.

What is it? It's Jermaine...Jermaine Scott. That's a lovely name.

That's quite a cool name. It's cool, innit? Rylan, what about you?

What's your real name? Ross. Ross is all right. But it's too close to Russ.

What's wrong with that? So I couldn't have come on as Ross tonight.

I think we'd have known... Well actually... That's quite specific.

We've got the dark hair, the blonde bits running through now... I know.

It's all kicking off, babe. Just one vowel between us.

LAUGHTER

So you changed it to Rylan... Yeah. Which means...

Rylan means Irish meadow.

Is it nice to think your name means you're being ploughed by farmers?

LAUGHTER

Why the fuck d'you think I chose it?

LAUGHTER

Wretch, we've got a little game for you. OK. Cool.

We're going to tell you some things and we want you to let us know if you like them or dislike them.

So when we say something and you like it,

we'd like you to press the "like" button there.

Please test that out now.

'Ah, yeah!'

We just took that off your single.

It sounds a lot like you.

If you dislike something... Press this one? You got it.

'Urgh! Urgh...!'

OK, let's crack on with the game. Your first subject is recorders

How do you feel about recorders

Oh, you've got to like a recorder. 'Ah, yeah!'

They're cool. That's the first instrument I actually tried to play.

Can you play it? No. Oh, you can t? No. You can't play Traktor...?

I can play Traktor on the recorder. You can? Yeah. Ready? Yeah.

"Traktor" PLAYS

CLAPPING TO THE MUSIC

CHEERING

Before we move on to another like, dislike, what is your musical DNA?

What got you into music, where are your roots? How did it start?

Do you know what, my dad was a DJ and one day...

Gosh, he might get into trouble for this.

One day, he brought me to a nightclub when I was very young and I was watching him do his thing.

And it was just interesting to me to see

that he kind of had control of the whole room, just because of music.

So that's what started getting me into it.

Then I started messing around with his records,

then I started writing. I was rubbish,

then I got better. And, yeah, I'm still passionate

APPLAUSE

OK, next subject, Wretch, is Rylan's teeth.

Oh, fuck off.

LAUGHTER

Like or dislike?

'Ah, yeah!' CHEERING

So you like them? Sparkling, man. It's cool. Bling teeth.

I ain't got a fucking grill in That's next. Yeah, you wait.

I think you look banging. People need to... I love them! Bollocks. Fuck off or I'll bite you!

APPLAUSE

You're funny!

OK, Wretch, final one.

Strippers - like or dislike?

'Ah, yeah!'

'Urgh! Urgh...!'

It's a bit of both. What? When you have to pay, it's not nice, is it?

APPLAUSE

So your single, Rock Bottom, OK is written about strippers.

One stripper. One stripper. How many strippers have you come across

LAUGHTER

Um, not many. A handful. Not a handful...

LAUGHTER

The complete opposite, what would you do to woo a girl, then?

What's your wooing technique? I don't have a wooing technique I think I just do...

I don't know, I'm very spontaneous, so I might see a girl, might trip her over...

Trip her over?! No, no... That's assault!

I'm joking, I'm joking. I don't know, it depends... Whey. .!

Anyway, I think that's enough, just before we go, I want to demonstrate my buzzer

Hopefully we've got the pyrotechnics lined up. Let's see what happens.

Oh, dick!

How are we going to find our way into the basement?

Rylan, can we use your teeth?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Hey, girls, how are you enjoying the basement? Hey! Love it down here.

Take a seat. We're just having a root around

I've actually tried to turn it into a sort of makeshift tattoo parlour.

I was going to call it Russell's Little Prick...Russell's Big Prick.

We have lots of rock'n'roll guests on and get them to come down here.

Conor Maynard had his cock done down here, a small chicken drawn on it.

Yeah. Amazing.

Make sure you spell Jesy right

Now, er, tattoos, who has tattoos?

Me and Jess.

Where are they? What are they?

I've got one on my wrist, one on my thigh. Yeah.

One up my side. Can we see the one on your thigh, please?

Go on, get a bit of... What does it say?

It says, "A tiger never loses sleep over the opinion of sheep."

Right. Cos you're powerful. They're drab.

So, little sheep, which would sound like...

Baa-aa! There we go. A slightly deeper goat.

Now, I've got some tattoos here in my catalogue of tats.

These are some of my favourites some Japanese characters.

Like those? Nice. The reason I'm holding this one up

is a little bird tells me you have an amazing talent for singing

in Korean and Japanese. Well, we like to dibble-dabble

In an Australian accent?

"I love a bit of Japanese, me.

Get out the old didgeridoo.

We did a little section in Japanese, didn't we? Of which song? Wings

Yes. Can we hear that? Yes.

THEY SING IN JAPANESE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'd love to stay in the basement all evening, but I have to check on the guys. Thanks for chatting. Bye.

When you try to get out, don't try to rattle the door, you are locked in.

APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to Gingers Anonymous Youth Society

We are the support group for people who are in denial about being ginger.

Russell Kane. Yep.

My name is Russell Kane and I have a ginger streak to add texture

LAUGHTER

Wretch 32.

I'm Wretch 32 and I've worked with the coolest ginger guy in the country, Ed Sheeran.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Today, we'd like to welcome a brand-new member to our society.

He needs to get back to his roots, literally. It's Rylan Clark.

APPLAUSE

Rylan, the first step on the path of fulfilment

is to address what you were like in earlier times.

OK? Let's have a look.

Whoa! I love it how Wretch went "Whoa!"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

We've had some very famous gingers attend Gaze.

For instance, Rupert Grint. Hugely famous actor.

He's not here.

He even bagged a role as Ron Weasley in Harry Potter.

Rylan, you have a lot in common with Rupert Grint, don't you? I do.

Explain. When I was younger, me and Jesy from Little Mix were talking about this earlier

we went to the same drama school.

I got offered the part for a week to do body double work on Harry Potter.

What? And cos I was the little ginger kid, I was Ron Weasley.

So I'd have to run down corridors

and every time you see the back of his head, it's either me

or some other little minion that did it as well.

Because Rupert was too busy to do it. No way.

Next up, we have a very famous redhead.

This is one of the most famous redheads in the world.

Fantastic Mr Fox. There he is. Look at that cheeky little face

Player. Rylan, I know you've had problems in the past with foxes

This story cannot be true. What happened?

I was pissed coming home one night from Romford.

So I casually walk along and there's this fox on the wall.

And this fox is just on the wall like that, looking at me.

So I'm a bit pissed, I've got my wallet in one hand my phone in the other.

I'm walking along, casual, and I see this fox on the wall where you are.

When you try and scare a fox or cat away cos you're a bit pissed, you go like that.

It normally goes...and fucks off.

Long story short, the fox crawled down the wall,

looked at me and I was like, "Am I pissed? Am I imagining this?"

It jumped like that...

I've dropped my wallet and it took my wallet and fucked off.

Mugged by a fox! Mugged by a fox.

LAUGHTER

I rang up the credit card people and said I wanted to cancel my card.

My wallet has been stolen.

They said, "Have you got a crime reference number?"

I said, "No, I haven't. I just need to cancel my card. They said, "Because you said

"the word stolen to us, you need to have a crime reference number."

I asked how to get one.

And they said call your local police station and they'll do it.

So I ring the police station for a crime reference number

and they asked me to describe the assailant.

And I was like, ginger and furry.

And then when I told him, they asked me to hold.

So I'm holding the line and they asked me to repeat it again.

I knew I was on fucking speakerphone cos you could hear them all going...

That's great.

Do you think Rylan should accept his gingerness once and for all

Give him a few words of encouragement.

No, man, it's just confidence. You are confident, you are cool

I accept my gingerness.

He's accepted his gingerness, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ALARM BELL RINGS

That's the Britney alarm. The Britney alarm.

Wish me luck. Good luck. Trip her up.

Good luck, Greg. Thanks, mate.

Britney. Hi. How are you? Really good. Good to see you. And you

Thank you for being in our garage today.

I've made it look nice for you It's beautiful. It's normally awful.

It's great. I thought I'd dress up for you.

It's not everyday you meet pop royalty. Thank you, sweetie.

First things first, let's talk about your new song

It's also the same noise my alarm clock makes every day

Which is, "Work, bitch!"

I'm scared.

# Now get to work, bitch

# A-ah, now get to work, bitch

# Aha... #

So the video looks quite fun to me. Was it quite hot in the desert

It was really, really hot.

It wasn't actually as hot as I thought it would be

because we had fans on us.

But there was some pretty long shots that we were out there and I was

like, I need ice packs on my neck and my feet and all over my body.

So, yeah, it was pretty tough.

Being Britney Spears, you can ask for anything these days. Yes.

I want ice packs, fans, anything. Ask for anything.

I had a Lamborghini there. I had all my stuff there. Good

It's really nice to meet you because I'm a genuine fan. Thank you.

To the point where I remade one of your videos. Really? Want to see it?

Yes. OK. Just hit play on there OK.

Oh, my God!

I have competition now. Do you like the dance moves?

I love it.

You are beautiful as a girl. Thank you. You are really beautiful.

You are a little taller than everybody else,

but hey, you're the star. I'll live with that.

It's great. Let's talk scents, your perfume. OK.

OK. It sells one every 10 seconds. I found that out. Yes.

So I thought, this is a great idea, I need to come up with my own scent.

So I did. Howzat? It's a cricket-based scent.

I love cricket. You can have that one. That's the prototype.

Thank you so much. I love it. I love the shorts, by the way.

Cut grass, jockstraps. OK. It's a sort of men's fragrance.

Obviously. Your album is coming out at Christmas.

You must be very excited about it. Yes.

What can we expect from the album?

It's probably one of the most personal albums I've done.

I worked with will.i.am on the album and he's co-producing it

Are you going to be touring the whole thing?

I have a Vegas show I'll be doing it two years.

And I have 100 shows set out to do. 100?

Are you daunted by that, or are you like, 100, bring it on?

Bring it on. I'm kind of stoked about it.

I haven't performed in a really long time, so I'm kind of excited.

Before I go back to Russell,

he's very jealous he's not met you today,

so can I do a selfie? Yes. Yes

He'll be so jealous because he's even more nerdy than me.

Done. Britney, thank you so much. Thank you. Nice to meet you.

I'll leave you to get yourself acquainted with our garage.

Cool, thank you. Thanks a lot. Bye.

APPLAUSE

That is it for tonight's Staying In.

Thanks to our amazing guests - Britney Spears!

Wretch 32, Rylan, Little Mix

and James Arthur. James Arthur is playing us out with his new single,

You're Nobody Till Somebody Loves You.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Long gone, we're falling down

# But I'm loving how it tastes

# I look around for desire

# Love ran away, yeah

# Hold back, we're falling out

# And I'll show you how it breaks

# If I can give it, I'll take it all of the way

# Yeah

# And we've still got so much to learn

# Babe

# You're nobody till somebody loves you

# It's hard times when nobody wants you

# Fill up my cup Don't ever stop coming

# Get up on top We'll make it pop, honey

# You're nobody till somebody loves you

# It's a cold life when nobody holds you

# Fill up my cup Don't ever stop coming

# Get up on top We'll make it pop, honey

# Listen

# I'm a cold star coming down

# I was way off of the pace

# I waited up for the day

# Now the day comes to me

# Comes to me, comes to me

# Yeah

# I hold back, we're falling down

# I knew that it would break

# You'd always give it I'd take it all the way

# All the way, all the way now

# And we've still got so much to learn

# Baby

# You're nobody till somebody loves you

# It's hard time when nobody wants you

# Fill up my cup Don't ever stop coming

# Get up on top We'll make it pop, honey

# You're nobody Till somebody loves you

# It's a cold heart When nobody wants you

# Fill up my cup Don't ever stop coming

# Get up on top We'll make it pop, honey

# Hey

That's it, clap your hands for me.

# Oh, baby

# Ah

# Oh, yeah, yeah

# Don't you stop me

# I'll get what's coming to me, baby

# Oh, yeah, yeah

# Yeah, don't you stop me

# I'll get what's coming to me, baby

# I will be somebody

# You're nobody till somebody loves you

# Baby, baby

# Oh, yeah

# Yeah, yeah

# You're nobody till somebody loves you

# It's a cold heart when nobody loves you

# Fill up my cup Don't ever stop coming

# Get up on top We'll make it pop, honey

# Yeah. #

Thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd