Episode 4 Staying In with Greg and Russell

Tonight on Staying In With Greg and Russell - foul-mouthed Geordie

and Celebrity Big Brother winner Charlotte Crosby...

I had sex just before I came here.

..star of Bad Education - posh funnyman Jack Whitehall..

He has a family, that guy!

..clubland queen Katy B... He was like, "Get out!"

And we were, like, singing in his face.

..and Jackass prankster Johnny Knoxville.

Yes, I broke my penis. There, it happened.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Aaay!

Hiya. Hiya.

Hi, everybody. GIRLS: Hi.

Jack, eh, mate, over here.

Mate, treating this like The Voice - I only turn round

if I like what I hear.

LAUGHTER

What's the first question? Do you want a drink? Oh, yes, actually

I'll get you a drink. A little champers for you.

Welcome to our pad. Are you enjoying it? It's nice! Lovely.

It makes us feel very comfortable, mind.

Yeah? Part from the camels are freaking us out a bit.

Why, does it make you think about your leggings being too tight? LAUGHTER

I normally get camel toe.

Katy, we've got you a nice rum cocktail. Oh, my favourite.

I know what you're like, your reputation,

there's an orange squash for you. Are you kidding us?

Know you're doing the non-drinking thing, so we didn't want to...

lead you off the... LAUGHTER

Only joking. YES! In a bucket?

GEORDIE ACCENT: We got you a great big bucket of slop, man.

CHEERING

So anyway, so nice to have you all on the show,

so nice to have you in our little house.

Are you a good housemate, Katy B? What are you like to live with

SHE SIGHS

I don't... I've only ever lived with my family and on my own, so...

And the reason why I live on my own is because I am very messy.

Jack, we have stereotypes, we imagine you living...

Do you sort of close one wing of the house down to avoid mess

No...

I live with a man who's very practical.

He's my flatmate, he's a builder, so he does all the man's tasks

and I feel so emasculated every day.

I can't do anything.

I went to buy paint from Homebase, and I found the event so stressful

that I got a migraine and had to go and lie down on garden furniture.

You're very similar like that, aren't you? Can you change a tyre?

Put a shelf up? I can't do anything, I'd love to be like that.

That's why you work as a couple

because you're the perfect blend of silk and steel.

Sexuality and practicality.

You would hold the girl close and talk to her about her feelings,

and Greg could bleed the radiator.

Dressed in cricket gear.

Now, we have to ask about your house habits, because you

are a professional housemate, having won Celebrity Big Brother!

WHOOPING Thanks, everyone. Thanks.

Well played. Thanks. You've lived in two houses on TV - for TV.

The Geordie Shore house, the Big Brother house, how do they compare?

Totally different.

The Geordie Shore house,

you could walk along and it's like...an environment of pure sex.

You've got like a condom with maybe some sperm...

And a cock in it, often.

Maybe, aye, exactly. One side you've got some knickers.

Probably got discharge in.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Everyone gets a bit of dissy!

LAUGHTER

My God. Yeah, you do, everyone gets it sometimes.

It's a normal thing for a girl

You should have done Through The Keyhole instead of Keith Lemon

"Discharge knickers, who would live in a house like this?"

LAUGHTER

What was the worst thing about it?

Apart from all the bodily fluids,

what was the most difficult thing emotionally and relationship-wise?

Which one? Geordie Shore house That mean old Gaz, eh?

Probablys. Oh, that heartbreaker. And all the lads together.

But, yeah, him. He wears it as a badge of honour though,

"Oh, I've got a degree in banging birds."

How about studying and getting a degree in treating them well

What a good man, Jack. Now, Jack... You've been away, haven't you?

I find it hard to talk about this, it's not that I'm jealous...

Oh, yeah, I knew this would come up. Russell is jealous.

No, because, Greg is MY friend. .

LAUGHTER

He just hangs out with you now

You have to just accept he sees other comedians. I know

We did have the best holiday ever...in Ibiza.

It was pretty amazing.

It was really lovely. We have some photographs.

LAUGHTER

Can we just say that's a night and you can buy those?

We didn't come out to Ibiza with those vests.

There was one thing I wanted to bring up about the holiday,

which is, eh...you were doctor.. at one point on that holiday.

I'll just say "jellyfish".

I can't tell that story on here

Can you not? Yeah, you can.

Well, my friend, um...got stung by some jellyfish.

Male or female? What, the jellyfish? I couldn't...

Oh, the friend, was a, was a...chap.

He was in need. He was in need so I... Pissed on him. Yeah.

Obviously on the sting. Where was the sting?

On his face - no, no...

It wasn't, it was on his leg, a bit on his foot, I wee'd on it.

That's fine then.

- Does that even work though? - Apparently that's rubbish.

It's like an old wife's tale.

I thought it worked at the time then afterwards I asked,

"How does it feel?" He went, "It just makes it smelly now."

We have... We may have a photograph.

LAUGHTER Oh, my God!

Don't put that on!

I was doing a good deed!

He has a family, that guy!

Get it down. Oh, my God.

Now, Charlotte, you're no stranger to getting drunk, are you?

We've got a picture of you after BB.

LAUGHTER

We had to crop out the picture of the man behind you.

That was the morning after I wee'd myself.

That's a common occurrence, pissing the bed?

Yeah, and looking like that too

But do you watch yourself? Geordie Shore, I watch 'em all the time

But have you ever watched anything and just gone,

"Oh, my God, that's too much, too far"?

Take that as a no.

I don't ever feel like anything's real.

I feel like I live in a dream.

It's an interesting idea. (It's time to wake up.)

LAUGHTER

Can we dare move to the lounge What do you reckon? Let's do it

Shall I take me bucket? Yeah, take it.

GEORDIE ACCENT: Sling your bucket.

Mum. Ladies and gentleman, my mum's in the lounge. Mum, stop cleaning.

Sorry, it's my mum.

APPLAUSE

Cos we rent the flat from Greg's mum and dad

and my mum just cleans it now and again.

Mum, you're not in this bit... That's not your actual mum?!

It's my actual mum, cleaning. Sorry. More like sister!

Tell Jack to stop flirting with my mum.

HE RETCHES

Now, Jack, you do a lot of projects around education - Bad Education,

Fresh Meat, and it made me wonder what all of us were like at school.

Jack, we all went to different schools,

you went to boarding school - you can't tell.

Charlotte, you went to Catholic school - you can't tell.

And Katy, you went to the music academy Brit School.

CHEERING

Katy, the Brit School - pressure.

Famously spawned people like Adele, Amy Winehouse.

Who was in your year - anyone?

Chico from the X Factor.

Jessie J was in the year above

Were you well-behaved

when you were at school or were you a bit of a troublemaker?

I was sort of a bit of both.

I got banned from the canteen cos I was singing

En Vogue, Don't Let Go, standing on tables.

And then there was this cook with a really long beard,

and he came running out with his wooden spoon.

And he was like, "Get out!"

And we were just, like, singing in his face.

And then he was like, "You're barred!"

Did you go to school in the Queen Vic?

So what were you like at school - a naughty student?

I got in trouble a bit, but always for really weird things.

So, the most trouble I ever got in was, we had a school election,

and I really wanted to take part,

but the only party they had available was Veritas

who were the party...

Do you remember Robert Kilroy-Silk?

Really orange guy who did, like, daytime TV.

He was the head of Veritas, so I had to be him in this school election.

So I went off into the local town and bought loads

and loads of fake tan.

And I applied all this fake tan but I didn't realise fake tan

does that thing where it develops, if you leave it on.

So I didn't wash any of it off and I kept putting it on and going,

"Well, I'm clearly immune to it I need to put more on."

I went to bed looking like Mark Wright,

I woke up looking like Ian Wright.

It got even darker as the day went on, and I ended up going to this

big hustings in front of the whole school, the headmaster,

the local MP had been invited.

I went on stage, and it looked like I had just blacked up.

I got in trouble for...

We've got the e-mail. The e-mail - they sent an e-mail to my parents.

A genuine e-mail from the school.

It says, "Dear Mr and Mrs Whitehall..."

"During the school's recent mock elections,

"Jack took what was clearly intended as a bit of fun a step too far

This is the best bit...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's real. That's real.

What did your parents say? My mum was distraught.

My dad was strangely amused.

And at your school, you had quite a few famous alumni as well,

the Middletons.

Yeah, we had P-Middy and K-Middy.

Did you look at the arse, then

Tell you what, my only encounter with Pippa Middleton,

seriously, was that she was a very, very accomplished hockey player

with a wonderful turn of pace.

So we used to go and watch her play hockey.

And at no point did my eyes wander towards her buttocks.

Speaking of royals, you fancy Prince Harry, don't you?

No, I do not fancy Prince Harry

Why not? Where have you got this from?

That stupid article in the newspaper?

Cos that was a lie. There's no royals you fancy?

No, I don't want to have sex with any royalties.

I have a boyfriend,

who I'm very happy with, having sex with. OK.

I had sex just before I came here.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Can I just say, we do not have the budget left to clean that taxi.

It's all right, he drives it.

Your mum's back.

Oh. Have you found Russell's magazines?

Greg, while we're doing this, we've been talking so long

we've forgotten Johnny Knoxville's in the spare room.

You need to go and interview him, now. I'm busy. I've got stuff to sort out.

Mum, I've got a favour to ask.

Can you interview Johnny Knoxville in the spare room for me?

Who's Johnny Knoxville? It doesn't matter.

Is he the man who hurts himself That's the one, yeah.

Can you do an interview? SIGHING: Yeah, all right.

Nice one, Mum.

Oh, Mum, just take these, ask these questions,

and keep it natural, yeah?

Go on. See you later. My mum, ladies and gentlemen.

Hi. Very nice to meet you.

Hello. How are you? Nice to meet you.

Have you been mucking around? What's wrong with your hand?

I was high on ecstasy at a frat house,

minding my own business.

Someone dosed a beer with X and I drank it.

Maybe you shouldn't leave your drink lying around, then. Yeah.

So what's Bad Grandpa about, then?

It has all the pranks and stunts of a Jackass film,

but this has a narrative.

I get a kid at a funeral

and I have to get him across the country

to a family member, to his father.

So is that you, in the picture there? Yeah.

I took three hours every day in the make-up chair

to turn into Irving Zisman.

That's as long as my Russell takes in the morning.

What with the make-up and all the hair palaver.

Sure.

It's says here something about playing a clip.

Well, let's have a look at this clip, I'm sure it's wonderful.

Grandpa, look at that ride! Can I go ride it?

Yes.

Scram. Thank you.

Ah, what's your name?

Gloria.

Grandpa? What? This thing doesn't work.

What do you want me to do about it?

Fix it!

Can't you see I was talking to a lady?

Yes, but... Look. Did you put money in there?

Gah...

Try it, it doesn't work. Oh, God.

Ow.

That looks like a really funny film.

I can tell by that reaction you re in stitches, you really enjoyed it.

Not really.

Sorry.

So does your character like an older lady?

Oh, yes, Irving loves the ladies.

Do you have a taste for older ladies?

Uh, no, I'm... I have a taste for my wife.

So, uh, you know.

Did you have an accident where you hurt your you know what?

Are you trying to get to me breaking my penis?

Yes, OK, your penis.

Yes, I broke my penis.

There. It happened.

My Russell once had an accident down there,

but we don't really talk about it.

Yeah.

You must have lots of doctors on speed dial.

I mean, this is...

That is all doctors right down that page.

Thank you very much for your time, Mr Knoxville.

And goodbye. All right.

APPLAUSE

That was a good interview. That was all right.

A great interview, nice work, Mum.

'This is Big Greg. Would Jack come to the Diary Room.

'Downstairs toilet.'

Oh!

Off you go, sir.

What happens there?

Oh, is Russell's mum there?

Disgusting.

Hello, Jack, how are you today

Why you talking like that?

You don't talk like that in real life. Don't put on a voice.

How are you today?

I'm fine. I'm sat in a toilet, it's not great.

I also quite need the loo which is ironic

cos this definitely doesn't work.

Why don't you give it a go?

I'm not going to sh... on live TV.

Charlotte might.

Charlotte has.

You're used to a household of showbiz people,

do you have pushy parents, Jack

No, I don't.

Is it true they forced you to do ballet?

How do you know all this?

I am Big Greg.

Yes, Greg, we got that.

They didn't force me to do ballet, I learned to do karate

when I was a kid cos I really wanted to do karate

cos I needed to be able to defend myself on the mean streets of Barnes,

but because my sister was doing ballet lessons

and my mother found it too hard to drive from both of them,

so basically one of us had to do what the other one was doing

so it was either my sister doing karate or me doing ballet,

and it ended up with me doing ballet, so I did ballet

and I was damn good at it!

Do you still remember any of your moves?

I remember you had to do the point toe.

Why don't you show us? Fuck off, Greg.

LAUGHTER

I've been humiliated enough on this show.

You've already shown to the nation a photograph

of me urinating on one of my friends.

There is no way on earth that you are getting me to do ballet

I bet you look good in tights, though. Shut up, Greg.

Please can we bring this interview to a close

with maybe a question that I want to answer?

What's your problem with Michael Fish?

Oh, my God!

What is...?

Michael Fish...

My...

HE LAUGHS

My father thought it appropriate

to once tell me, when he'd had a few too many drinks,

that I was conceived on the night of the Great Storm.

So whenever I see Michael Fish

the weather reporter,

all I can think of

is my conception.

And that's very weird.

I once saw him at the BBC walking down a corridor.

He had no idea who he was but as I crossed him,

clocked his face and realised it was him,

I screamed and ran away.

LAUGHTER

Is it true that gale-force winds make you think of your dad getting

a blow job?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I mean, that's wrong on so many levels.

Mainly, you can't be conceived through a blow job, dickhead.

Trust me, your mum would have so many more siblings

if that was the case.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now look what it's... It's descending into

school-yard tomfoolery and stupidness, Greg.

I'm going to rise above it.

That's what she said!

I didn't want to say that. I didn't even want to say that

but I had to

because you've turned me into this.

I'm your monster, Doctor Frankenstein.

Again, that's another thing she used to say to me.

LAUGHTER

Thank you, Jack. You may now rejoin...

HE STUMBLES OVER HIS WORDS

Sorry! You are literally... How are you a radio presenter?

You can't string a sentence together, mate.

Just concentrate.

Think about what you're going to say and then say it.

You're sat on a fake toilet talking to a fucking camera.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Jack, thank you for your time.

Please now rejoin the other housemates.

Urgh...

Well done!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING INTENSIFIES

OK. All right?

I should be very excited to see these two.

Instead, I'm in a bad mood.

Has your relationship with Greg gone stormy?

LAUGHTER

Don't worry, it'll blow over.

Oh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gents, we have some extra special guests today,

stars of Bad Education,

we've got Layton Williams and Nikki Runeckles!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It is a real pleasure to have you on the show.

We love Bad Education. How good is Bad Education, everybody?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The second series just finished on BBC Three

but you're coming back for a Christmas episode and stuff.

What is it like working with this guy?

Fun. Yeah? I think it's just fun.

No jokes.

Your part's getting bigger in the third series. Yours...

No, no, it's real great.

For the people who haven't seen it,

you play a teacher, you're the students.

That's the set-up.

Working with a comedian, is he often ad-libbing

and throwing you off-course?

Yes.

Yeah, you do. Yeah, we add stuff.

because the script is always changing

and it can do because I'm there

so I often listen to what those guys are talking about.

There was one day on set when I was listening over

to them having a conversation.

It was the day that Margaret Thatcher died.

And he came onto the set and he was so emotional.

He was like, "Oh, my God, babes Oh, my God, babes."

Is that a good impression?

No, shit. He always goes American, slightly.

I don't know why, cos in my head you're American.

IN AMERICAN ACCENT: "Oh, my God I'm so upset about Maggie Thatcher."

And someone went, "Why are you sad about Maggie Thatcher?

"Were you a big fan of Maggie Thatcher?",

and he just turned round, deadly serious, like,

"No Maggie Thatcher, no Billy Elliot."

LAUGHTER

"Oh, that's straight in!"

APPLAUSE

Let's have a little look at some of the last series of Bad Education.

You do realise, if Abbey Grove shuts down,

you'll all have to go to St Edward's.

THEY GASP

The only school below us on the league table.

If I go to St Edward's,

the only theatre I'll end up in is an operating one.

St Edward's not that bad, babe Dean Gaffney went there.

Dean Gaffney? We need to raise some money!

I could do a kiss and tell, sir, on this guy I'm seeing. Yeah.

With the best will in the world Chantelle, I doubt that

Haroon from WH Smith's is going to sell that many papers.

APPLAUSE

I'll be careful how I phrase this. Your character...

How can I put it politely? ..is flirtatious.

A slut.

LAUGHTER

It's a very multilayered, multifaceted character!

Obviously, we know that you're

a fine actor in Bad Education as Alfie Wickers,

but we have some of your earlier work we'd like to show you.

It's often overlooked, the earlier work, isn't it? Absolutely.

Like Coldplay's first album. Often the best. Let's have a look at this.

That animal is a menace.

He's not, he's a rabbit.

Mick's got something he wants to show you upstairs.

Oh, wonderful.

Remember, Atilla the Bun.

Ah!

LAUGHTER

Oh, no!

You still smile like that as well.

Yeah, you go...

You hadn't seen that? BOTH: No.

I look like I've just let out a wet fart.

LAUGHTER

Successful as you are, you haven't got every audition you went for

and you missed out on a couple of really stellar roles

You went for a role in The Hobbit,

but also Harry himself in Harry Potter.

Is that right? Yeah.

They went round loads of schools and auditioned,

like, hundreds of thousands of people for that role.

My mum made me up to look like Harry Potter, but as you can see,

I had the hair and the look and the glasses.

Katie, you also... What, for Harry Potter?!

Yeah, well, not for Harry, but who was your audition for?

Hermione. Yeah. Really? How did that go?

Well... Well, obviously not that well, but...

I used to go to my little Peckham Saturday acting class.

I don't know what, they just..

It came up, so I was like, "Yeah, I'll do it."

So I went...

..and then I got there and they were like,

"Oh, so, how did you like the book?",

and I was just like, "Oh, I couldn't get into it."

VOICEOVER: 'This is Big Greg.

'Would all housemates head to the shed disco

'for a performance from Katy B?

Let's go to the shed.

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gents, thanks to our wonderful stars from Bad Education.

Ladies and gents, Nikki.

Charlotte Crosbie, everyone.

And the wonderful Jack Whitehall!

Thank you so much for watching

We're back next Wednesday with more Staying In.

Right now, to play us out,

CHEERING See you next week!

MUSIC: "5AM" by Katy B

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

# My feet won't stop, I can't keep still

# Be rocking this until the sunlight

# That beat's so sick, that tune's so ill

# Seems they know just how to move me right

# He looks my way Won't waste my time

# Looking in all the wrong places

# Won't let history repeat in parallel lines

# A sucker for those pretty faces

# Ooh, I need somebody to calm me down

# A little loving like Valium

# I need somebody to knock me out

# I need some loving like

# Ooh, I don't know what I'm running from

# But when the sun comes up it won't be wrong

# I need some loving like Valium

# I need some loving like

# It's 5AM all on my own

# I just need someone to talk with me

# I lost my friends I check my phone

# Still searching for someone to walk with me

# My deep wounds rise they take their place

# All of a sudden this don't feel right

# I wish I had a pure embrace

# To keep me warm until the sunrise

# Ooh, I need somebody to calm me down

# A little loving like Valium

# I need somebody to knock me out

# I need some loving like

# Ooh, I don't know what I'm running from

# But when the sun comes up it won't be wrong

# I need some loving like Valium

# I need some loving like

# I need some loving like

# I need some loving like

# I need some loving like

# Close my eyes, numb my pain

# Feel my worries melt away

# Lay me down, treat me kind

# Take the stresses off my mind

# Kiss my neck, feel my touch

# Let nothing in the way of us

# Keep me here, keep me calm

# In my dreams, in your arms

# Ooh, I need somebody to calm me down

# A little loving like Valium

# I need somebody to knock me out

# I need some loving like

# Ooh, I don't know what I'm running from

# But when the sun comes up it won't be wrong

# I need some loving like Valium

# I need some loving like

# I need some loving like

# I need some loving like

# I need some loving like

# I need some loving like. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd