Episode 3 Staying In with Greg and Russell

'Joining us tonight, a Girl very much Aloud, Kimberley Walsh.

'Scissor Sister Ana Matronic.

'"Oh, my God!" It's Stacey Solomon,

'Pocket movie star Warwick Davis

'And Conor Maynard is here to perform his latest single.'

Let's hear it for our wonderful

And the big news tonight, Russell... Yeah? ..It's ladies' night!

Welcome, wonderful guests, how are you? We're great. We're good.

we have one very special surprise.

Because it is ladies' night I have a special surprise for you,

MUSIC: "Love Machine" by Girls Aloud

I like to think your first name starts with an "N" because you're so

From Green Boys, everybody!

First of all, how wonderful

It's just like my brother's room!

For you, Stace, we've brought rings.

If only I hadn't ate dinner,

I would wolf 'em down in a second.

Having a bowl on the floor!

On a girls' night in, we sit round and talk about relationships.

for ten years, how's that working

That's how I did it with my husband - we've been together ten years

I like to keep the fire alive, yeah.

candles, I'm happy with that.

romantic bath, is your other half

He's never gone to the toilet in

You can talk to your boyfriend

I could not, I don't think.

You don't want to see someone's poo face, even if you love 'em,

"Oh! I've had a great day..."

You can have a phantom poo where you don't even have to make a face!

Well...he's one of those, you know,

So what does Scissor Sisters mean?

It's not like you were into hobbies

before you were into music.

It's specifically a sexual position,

Oh. If that phrase is known,

everyone in the band is gay?

"I'm going to make you an offer

I'm like, "Really?" And she said,

"You can come home with me and my girlfriend and watch us have sex."

Russell's not even in a band and everyone thinks he's gay.

All right, Greg, don't flag it up.

British men are more gay than

that's a thing in America. Is it?

Everybody should be a little bit

I'm not afraid to say Tyson had

You were a drag queen dancer,

When I lived in San Francisco,

I think we should have a look

Oh, wow! Interestingly enough,

Who's there with the little beaker

Yeah, they spunked into plastic bags, then they were like...

really great Fellini-inspired look.

You've got the big features

on his face, I'm not going to lie.

I'm both turned on and hurt.

How could we match those up?

More cushion for the pushin'!

Stacey, let's talk X Factor. You were 19 when you started that.

I was. It feels like so long ago. Is it still right in your memory?

and I absolutely loved it and I don't think I'll ever forget it.

Unless I go senile and old.

Are you watching this year? Because it's changed a little bit.

There's loads of twists and stuff.

What are they trying to do to us normal people? And that seat thing.

It's like musical chairs but worse.

Is he doing rehearsals again? Yeah.

I want you to get this signed.

OK, cool. See you in a sec.

What's the word we use to open it?

I can hear that, mate, but it's quite noisy. It's a brilliant read.

Look at all the pictures too.

I know that... First class. What are you doing in here?

I'm rehearsing for the performance.

I cannot imagine what it would be like to squash into an airline seat

like. Every seat is business class.

It is for me. You may have noticed I've put a few of these cloches out.

You've added into my set a little bit, a sort of medieval feast.

What do you reckon that might

Of course, you famously played Wicket

I was 11, OK? So imagine that,

and then to get the opportunity

You've got such a ridiculously

Who's the most famous contact

It's probably Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp on speed dial? Depp's in there.

If I write a text to my wife and

"Oh!" and you worry you might have sent it to somebody else.

It was meant for my partner.

oiled up as a Greek soldier.

I'll leave out the middle bit,

"..and that's how we'll invade Troy."

I believe there's one cloche

It's a tasty fan. You've had some strange encounters with fans. Yep.

In certain Romany gypsy cultures,

little touch, a little rub.

on my shoulder or, more obviously,

is the luckiest part of me.

Thanks so much for letting me

Yeah, I need to get on with some rehearsals now, actually.

Got it for you, Greg. Here you go. Yeah! Signed and everything.

Look, Colin's dressed as Yoda.

Why are you trying to show off? Oh!

I have, yeah. What's your dog?

Oh, look at this. Oh! All right.

Russell's very proud of his dog,

of something else, aren't you?

Yeah, why don't you go and show them what I'm proud of, Greg.

What was your specialist subject?

Russell, yours. The life and works of Evelyn Waugh, the novelist.

In a way, he was in between

so very much an Inbetweener.

He wants to play Mastermind.

Let's do it. Yeah. Let's play

Stacey, what is your chosen

Stacey Solomon, you have an allotted time to answer questions

on your chosen, specialist subject of Stacey Solomon, starting...

Question one, where are you from?

However, I would also have accepted "Dogenham".

would admit to that.

Correct. Did he?

did you ever snog Olly Murs?

No!

No, I didn't. Didn't you, you slag?!

Colin, you're so rude and no!

Next question...

Who does Simon Bird play in The Inbetweeners?

Right - Neil...

No. No, I know he isn't.

Give me the first letter. W.

Come on, I'm getting itchy here, give me an answer.

What's his real name?

Or was it...? Oh, I'm losing the will to live.

Losing the "Will" to live.

Will! Correct.

I've started so I'll finish.

Let's go and watch some telly,

What's on? Let's have a look.

He just hit me on the head.

You pissed him off, Cheryl.

just tap the fucking table.

Has anyone got any problems

And what's your name? Cynthia.

Cynthia, you look like a Cynthia.

Well, I'm only attracted to really bad, violent people.

to bad, violent personalities.

Anyone in the studio got any advice?

Why do girls go through this

What's it all about? Well, she's still in that phase, Cynthia.

Yeah, she's putting it out there.

She could be a scissor sister.

Oh! Well, most lesbians, to be fair,

and then they never have sex again.

it was the oven. Is it ready?

You know - men, when they love

If it's two women together, they probably just talk a lot.

Emotional sex - "I feel bad."

Hey, stop everything...it's Stacey's birthday, everybody!

Make a wish, blow them out.

a lot of hairspray on, be careful.

It's like two cakes in one!

I'm going to take him a bit of cake,

in the toilet, but it's all good.

It's Stacey's birthday and I didn't

Oh, thanks. So... Thank you.

and cake in here - perfect.

No, this is my preferred...

I'm leaving you to finish off.

Enjoy your cake and please make sure

If you just push this... Yeah.

still have one nut hanging out

so I'm going to let you... Oh, no, that's a bit of cake, it dropped...

Sorry, Conor, see you later,

Sorry about that. I had to give Conor

We were just having a little girly slumber, the sleepover.

You know when you're staying over

OK, let's play Truth or Dare.

So, spin the serving spoon.

Yeah. Whatever it lands on,

Russell's phone over there - and you'll get a juicy truth. OK.

If it lands on a dare, then my special horror phone will call

one of the audience and get a dare.

Let's do it, spin that wheel, baby.

Due to the fact that your arm is

Right, yo. What's your name? Chris.

My dare is for Ana. I dare Ana to take a piece of clothing off.

The dare was for Kimberley to strip.

I'm going to double dare that,

AUDIENCE: Strip! Strip! Strip!

Our careers have just started.

Are you crazy? Are you crazy?

# Must be stupid if you think

# Are you joking? Must be joking You ain't laughin', I ain't smokin'

# Must be crazy if you think

# There ain't no need to cry no more

# I'll pick up the pieces you left

cos I'm breakin' up with ya

# Shoulda' hooked up with your sister Go now, here's my middle finger

# Cos I'm hurting baby, hurting baby

Are you crazy? Are you crazy?

# Must be stupid if you think

# Are you joking? Must be joking You ain't laughin', I ain't smokin'

# Must be crazy if you think

# Now I know that she wants me back

# Nothing sounds more better than

cos I'm breakin' up with ya

# Love me now, my name is bigger

# Girl, I'm giving you the finger

# Cos I'm hurting baby, hurting baby

Are you crazy? Are you crazy?

# Must be stupid if you think

# Are you joking? Must be joking You ain't laughin', I ain't smokin'

# Must be crazy if you think that

Are you crazy? Are you crazy?

# Must be stupid if you think that

so why are you tryin' to play me?

# Cos I'm hurting baby, hurting baby

Are you crazy? Are you crazy?

# Must be stupid if you think

# Are you joking? Must be joking

# Must be crazy if you think

# Hit the road, Jack Jack. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd