Morocco Stupid Man, Smart Phone

For centuries, explorers have battled with Mother Nature.

Now, pampered comedian Russell Kane...

Oh, it's freezing!

..wants to join their ranks...

I miss my mum.

..by tackling extreme survival...

Oh!

..with just...

This.

..a mobile phone?

How to find water in the desert.

I use my phone for everything.

Turn the choke all the way down...

It's got billions of users around the world.

The web has all the answers.

It's here on the map. That's it there!

Joined by the internet's brightest stars...

Oh, my God! I'm a Jedi!

..and their legions of followers...

Does it get difficult?

I don't think the production team

are always going to be taking it that easy on us.

HE GROANS

Together, they'll face the worst that nature can throw at them.

Careful!

I just want to know that if we get bitten by something,

-we've got the antidote.

-SNAKE HISSES

Oh, God!

Yeah, the team will ensure that we are safe

and that we always have Internet reception.

They are accompanied by a barely helpful crew...

Please, come on, guys.

..who'll be throwing in the odd curveball.

The doors don't close!

They'll use their signal...

We've got a bag of food.

..for survival.

-Light the bag. Who said that?

-Yes!

-THEY CHEER

I love you, internet.

This time, it's Internet versus Desert...

Welcome to Morocco.

..as Russell teams up with Vine superstar prankster...

Are you joking?

..Arron Crascall.

See you later.

Yeah, I'm just in Cardiff.

It's absolutely cracking, mate.

Absolutely cracking.

They have to transport fragile, heavy cargo...

-BOTH:

-Oh, my God!

..across the very hot...

I'm done, man.

..and seemingly hostile...

No way. I ain't staying here.

..Northern Sahara. SNAKE HISSES

We're stuck in the desert in the ice and cold without a home.

That's not easy.

God speed, stupid man.

BLEATING

CROWD CHATTERS

HORN BEEPS

-Right, we're looking for someone called Reda.

-Reda.

-Let's do this.

-Can you believe we're at the edge of the Sahara desert?

Look at this!

Oh, my God, bro.

This is actually happening.

Arron, I'm not going to lie, I think I've over packed.

THEY LAUGH

There's some authentic dude on a rug.

-Reda?

-Hello, how are you?

THEY SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE

-What is this?

-Ah, I'm drying dates.

Reda, salaam.

Welcome to Morocco.

I'm Russell, nice to meet you, salaam.

-Nice to meet you too.

-This is Arron. Or you might say H'arron.

-Salaam.

-Er, H'arron.

-Pleased to meet you.

-Welcome, sir.

The idea is we're going to do a mission

and we're only allowed to use our smartphones.

-And we've been told you're going to give us our mission.

-The mission.

Let's take a moment before we hear it. Let's centre ourselves.

I want to be facing Mecca when I hear it. Which way?

It's that way, East.

Face Mecca when we hear the mission. Go.

REDA LAUGHS

-The mission today...

-I don't know what I'm doing right now.

..is to transport a dromedary to my brother in Ait Benhaddou.

What a dromedary? A camel?

Dromedary, of course, from the city centre market...

-A camel?

-Wait a minute.

-A dromedary.

-We've got to transport...

Is it one hump or two?

Normally, they have one.

In Essex, we'd get another hump put on to balance it out.

-Four grand.

-Look, sorry, you don't have money.

I have an account with the camel seller.

Wait, have we got to transport a camel to... How far is that?

It's around 15 hours walk,

or around a couple of hours drive.

But, don't worry, look, the car is already parked outside the market

with some provisions inside.

-Yes!

-Where's the mission that?

-Like food?

-This is just a road trip.

This is going to be...

-this is going to be easy.

-These are the keys.

-Can we have a group selfie together?

-Of course.

-Yes, here we go.

-CAMERA CLICKS

-Yes!

That sign means...

I'm not even going to say what that sign means, what he's just done.

-THEY LAUGH

-You need to tweet that.

You have to take what you need from your luggage,

because I have to keep the rest as insurance you will be back.

We accept your challenge.

-It will be a pleasure.

-Accept it and we're going to smash it.

Good luck.

They will hate this experience.

They will hate the day they accepted this mission.

-REDA SPEAKS ARABIC

-See you later!

-This is going to be crazy!

-I'm quite glad to get rid of this big case.

What about our passports? That's what I'm like...

It'll be all right, though.

You do know we're actually going to go and see a camel?

And I'm going to call it Harold.

I think they will be eaten on the road.

The mission will be incompleted.

Just got the mission, absolutely buzzing.

I'm an animal lover. I find camels fascinating.

The mission is A, easy - you get a camel from A to B.

And B, it features camels - which are awesome.

Listen, the amount of followers you have got, we can survive anything.

You've got like four million, nearly, on Facebook.

We're going to be cool, we just need to get some basic supplies here.

-Yeah, yeah. Water.

-Work out where this camel is.

-Water.

Yeah, we need the camel.

We've got to negotiate to buy a camel first.

Oh, my God. Look at this!

CROWD CHATTERS, HORNS BEEP

This is huge!

Oh, smell that incense! It smells amazing!

I've just put in the translator...

-Yeah?

-.."I'm looking for a camel."

-Go on.

-"Ana 'abhath ean jaml."

Ana 'abath. Ana 'abhath ean jaml.

Jaml. Do we look local?

No, we don't. We look like a walking ATM.

Excuse me?

-BOTH:

-Er, ana 'abhath ean jaml?

Camel?

Ana 'abhath ean jaml.

-We need a jaml.

-Jaml.

-From animal.

-This way, yeah?

-Come on, let's go.

This is a total sensory overload. This place is completely insane!

This is so different to the Waitrose organic aisle.

-I bet if...

-Hold on, hold on, hold on!

-Yes!

-Oh, yes!

-Yes!

-Camels!

-Camels!

CAMELS GRUNT

The smell is not like the incense stall.

-It, er, smells...

-Phew!

It smells local.

We need to find who owns this.

The main thing you're going to have to learn,

-is think before social interact... Oh.

-Excuse me?

Do you know who owns this?

The man? Can you show me?

-CAMEL GRUNTS

-Can you show me the man?

Excuse me, you own the camel, yeah?

-Hello, salaam, salaam.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

So, how do we choose them?

That one's pooing.

-Which one do we want?

-Hold on, I've got a message.

This guy at Joseph's Amazing Camel's said he can call us

-and offer us expert advice.

-What?!

I know. We're going to make a quick phone call.

Un moment, s'il vous plait.

Do you mind if you just show how many people are watching us,

just to get the full scariness of what's going on?

-Yeah. That's intense.

-CAMEL GRUNTS

-Do loudspeaker. Joseph!

-Hello?

SKYPE TONE BEEPS

I can't hear or see anything.

Why I don't call him from an old-school phone

-and we can at least...

-Have you got one?

My mum gave me a pay-as-you-go phone for an emergency.

Do you know how much that will cost?

-That's my mum's old pay-as-you-go.

-Let's do it.

DIALLING TONE

Hi, Joseph, how are you?

OK, so, we've been asked to transport a camel from A to B.

-Is there anything we should be looking for in particular?

-Right.

Yep.

One of their front legs has been tied up.

I think that's to stop them running away.

Yeah, that's it. One leg.

It looks good.

Yeah, the legs look good on both of them.

Which one are you thinking? There's this one here.

Get the owner to open its mouth,

so you can look in its mouth, at its teeth.

Can we see the teeth, please?

-Yeah, he's got lovely teeth.

-The teeth look nice and straight.

The tallest one also seems to be the healthiest.

-I think we found our camel, Joseph.

-We found the camel, Joseph.

-Yep.

I'm going to call the camel Nathan.

-Can I call the camel Nathan?

-We're going to call it Nathan, apparently.

-All right.

-ARRON LAUGHS

-Thank you so much, my man.

-CAMEL GRUNTS

-Bye-bye.

-Bye, au revoir.

-Thank God my mum gave us this pay-as-you-go.

-Is he OK to pull?

THEY TALK

We should do paper, rock, scissors for this, man.

One, two, three.

Oh, you go on three. Go on three.

One, two, three.

-Enjoy your first camel ride.

-Are you joking!

All safe, yeah?

HE TALKS ANOTHER LANGUAGE

-Come on, I'll help.

-Be very strong, yeah?

HE SPEAKS ANOTHER LANGUAGE

-Come this way, Nathan.

-Nathan, come on.

We didn't ask about food.

Oh, my God, we'll have to Google camel food.

Nathan? Good boy, Nath. Come on, Nathan.

I thought this was going to be so easy.

Just load a camel into a van and drive,

but trying to lead an eight-foot tall, incredibly heavy beast

with loads of starey, shoutey people in the middle of a market,

I can only imagine the hells that lie ahead

as we attempt to transport this thing across the desert.

Nathan! Please, Nathan!

Seriously, can I do a panel show?

I'll make it with the BBC, I promise it'll be original!

-ARRON LAUGHS

-I don't want to do this any more!

At least we're fitting in.

At least we look local.

Actually struggling a little bit now.

The camel...

didn't want to do anything.

He's very strong,

a bit crazy.

Oh, my God, he's untied the leg.

-Yes, Nathan! Yes, Nathan!

-Not too fast, though.

-Nathan, you're doing well.

-Not too fast, Nathan.

-Yes!

I'm already starving. I've got a little bit of water.

It's weirdly hot and cold at the same time,

cos it's winter in the desert, and I miss my mum!

Hey, Nathan.

Listen, man, we've got to get to the van, Nathan!

-We've moved about ten metres in an hour.

-OK, what do we do?

What about if there's an alternative, like a baby camel,

-and then that'll be easier to transport?

-I like your motive.

-I'm going to get...

-You going to leave me here like this?

-I'm going to get a small camel, OK?

-OK, OK. Small camel.

-CAMEL GRUNTS

-Are you all right, Nath?

Everyone seems to be leaving.

That's not a good sign. All the livestock's being walked out.

Bit ominous.

Oh, my God, there are no camels here.

There are no camels left!

How are you doing?

The, erm...

HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

..he's too, he's too angry.

-Do you have a smaller camel?

-HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

Do you want a camel?

-HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

-Dude, that's a cow!

Oh, Jesus!

No, I need a small camel. That is a cow.

ARRON WHISTLES

What do I do?

-Move your legs.

-ARRON WHISTLES

-Is it a girl?

-A girl.

It's a girl. It's good for milk.

It can pull the plough, like that.

-HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

-It can work. Do you know what?

He seems like a reasonable man.

Shall we go with the cow, yeah?

You take the camel back and we'll take the cow instead?

All right, man. You got a deal.

-Hello!

-HE CLICKS HIS TEETH

We've got a right result!

Check it out. Stay positive, stay positive.

I give you...

the miniature version.

-Oh, my God, we're not going to...

-One second. Let me talk you through.

We're not going to get our passports back.

It's female. It is more practical than that thing.

I think we'll be able to get it on the truck and transport it.

Let's just do this man, let's just do this. Come on!

This is a girl. What shall we call it?

-Helen.

-Helen?

Is this for real? Is this the real car we've got to use?

HE LAUGHS

We've got it, mate, we've got it.

-It can't be.

-Helen!

-Go on, go on.

-Yes, Helen.

-BOTH:

-Come on, Helen!

-Good girl.

Yes, Helen, you're sorted.

Let's go, let's ride the wind!

Can I give you the headline? It's half-past three.

Not only are we going to turn up with a cow,

-we're three hours late.

-Late.

-Yeah?

Oh, my God, are you serious?

There's no handle!

-The door doesn't close!

-LAUGHTER

I've got a handle on my side. I'm sweet.

Oi, dude, I'm not even joking, my legs don't even fit in.

Is this actually for real?

-ENGINE STARTS

-Wish us luck, Helen, wish us luck.

-Oh, my God!

-Arron, how am I supposed to drive this?

Arron?

Arron, how am I supposed to drive this?

-Arron, look.

-My door won't shut!

-The steering wheel doesn't turn.

The doors don't close.

DOORS THUD

-Does it close?

-Yes!

Mine doesn't.

-Right, come on, first gear. We can do this.

-Yeah.

Yes, we're driving!

Yes, Russell Kane.

-We are fully on... Oh, my God.

-The door's just come...

-This door's just come open.

-Oh, my God.

LAUGHTER

The fact that the locals are actually laughing at us.

I feel like we fit in.

-RUSSELL SHOUTS

-Oh, this is horrible!

Let's just please get out this town.

-Google where we're going.

-Yeah, we're Googling.

-Oh, my God!

-THEY SHOUT

-I've never driven holding the door.

-Yes. Go down that way.

Let's just get it somewhere where there's no people.

-Oh!

-Oh, my God! Actually...

-You're going to have to be my mirrors.

-I can't be the mirrors.

-Which side of the road? Which side?

-Get a bit of masking tape.

-Which side of the road?

-This side. Right side. We are on this side.

-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

-Oh!

Sorry. There's crowds of people looking at us right now.

-I'm going to go for a gear change.

-What, second, now?

This is just the most terrifying thing I've ever done in my life.

-How did I accept this challenge?

-LAUGHTER

Yes, guys, we're doing this.

Look at this motor.

Oh, my God, this is so dangerous.

It's not even staying steady on the road.

It's beautiful! Take it in!

I ain't looking at anything except my knuckles, bro.

Just go straight. We need to just go straight.

-Do you really want... You want me to look?

-No, not yet.

-Count me in, then.

-I'll tell you when.

Count me in.

-Have a look now. Have a look.

-Lovely.

-We have to come off the road.

-Whoa, whoa.

We've got to go... Whoa!

I really don't feel safe.

Oh, dude, I can't believe this, man.

At least we don't need more than second gear this time,

cos that's all we've bloody got.

Everyone online is saying water, water, water.

Yeah, but we've got no accommodation as well.

It's dark. Now it's dark.

-We're not to complete the mission today.

-Oh, you are joking!

So we've got one choice here and that's to camp.

Camp where?!

We haven't got that Reda's number.

We have. He texted it to me, so we have got his number.

So what do we do, ring him?

We can text and say we've been delayed for the night.

We're having a tagine at the roadside...

-ARRON LAUGHS

-Everything's great.

We've got a compact version of the animal,

that way we're not lying.

We're not saying we've got a small camel...

If Nathan was here now, mate, he'd be kicking off.

-He was such a wanker!

-He was crazy.

We're going to have to camp out, or we're not going to get there.

I'm pretty sure Reda said he would leave stuff on the car.

It gets cold here quick.

-Dude, look at my parking!

-LAUGHTER

This morning I was so cocky about how easy this was going to be,

transporting a camel across country.

We haven't even got a camel, we've got a cow.

We're stuck in the desert in the icy cold.

-You all right, Helen? Aww!

-She's comfortable. Don't worry about the cow.

We'll give her some water and stuff in a minute.

-Shall we get the equipment and see what we've got on the floor?

-That's not a bad idea.

That's really smelly, man.

I've never built a fire before in my life.

Oh, my God, there's eggs and bread.

-How are we going to cook them?

-We've got carbs for you and eggs for me.

-How are we going to...?

-LAUGHTER

Hey! How are we going to cook them?

On the fire we're just about to build, motherfucker!

-I'm sorry.

-LAUGHTER

They'll stay chilled, let's face it.

-There's something here, look.

-What?

-There's a bag of poo! Arron, I'm not joking.

-What?!

It's a bag of actual shit!

-What?!

-It smells of cow poo,

which isn't an offensive smell when it burns.

Do you reckon it burns or something?

Both do a tweet. "Can you make a fire out of poo?"

PHONE JINGLES

Yes, you can make a fire out of dried poo, someone said.

-Yes, yes.

-Yes.

-Shall we do a live stream?

-Yeah, do a live stream.

Dude, we're live. Hey, guys, can you hear us?

How you doing? Listen...

-Hi, it's Russell Kane here.

-Russell Kane and me.

We are literally in the desert, OK?

Listen, we need to ask one thing, guys.

Guys, I know... Oh, great. It's going crazy.

Come over to the poo.

-Listen, we've got a bag of poo.

-A bag of poo.

Can we light a fire? Make a fire? Yeah?

-HE READS:

-"The fire will be shit, though."

LAUGHTER

We're freezing!

-Flint against metal.

-BOTH:

-We've got a flint knife.

A flint knife. Will the poo just light straightaway?

"Rub the flint with your..."

That's disgusting. How is that helpful?

"Is that Russell...?" Yes, it's Russell Kane.

"Light the bag and that should fuel it."

-Light the bag, who said that? Who said that?

-It's gone already.

-Try lighting the bag.

-Right, guys, thank you very much.

We're going to light the bag

-and let you know how we do.

-Love you guys!

Dude, that's awesome! Dude!

-Great.

-Light the bag!

We're so close. This is doing my head in.

Right, I'm not sure, Arron... Yeah?

..but, being the vain sods that we are, I've brought

-HE SINGS:

-Shockwaves Ultra Strong!

-Hairspray? That's flammable, bro!

-It might not work.

What we're going to try and do...

-Just cover the whole lot.

-Stand back, though.

I'm going to cover this with proper flammable hairspray.

-Do you want me to do it or do you want to do it?

-Yeah, do a spark.

Be careful. Start with a little bit.

-Yes!

-Oh!

Don't do that, it might go back in.

-The other side.

-Go, go, go, go.

-Hold on, let me cover it.

-Go right in there, right underneath.

Oh!

LAUGHTER

We are men!

We are men with hairspray!

That's shit hot.

Now we're going to need to work out how to make a shelter.

'What's up, fellas? So you done goofed

'and you need to set up an emergency primitive shelter? Easy-peasy.

'The first step is to get yourself off the ground,

'via an insulated platform.'

Helen's not very impressed that we're stealing her breakfast.

-I'm going to start levelling this out.

-OK, mate.

I want your warmth and I'm going to take your warmth.

I'm going to suck the warmth out of you!

LAUGHTER

'You lose more heat to the cold ground than you do

'to the air around you, so you may feel a few conifer cones

'in your arse at night, but that's the least of your worries.'

Right, well, I can't lie on that, it's disgusting.

Actually, we are going to die if we don't, so let's just lay on it.

LAUGHTER

-What about cutting it in half?

-Dude, look at these.

Helen, do you want some water?

What's this?

-HE GASPS

-She's drinking it.

Russ, she's happy, man. She's happy.

-Dude, that is a shelter.

-That's a shelter.

High-five.

Food and shelter, nailed.

'This is my idea about a quick shelter in an emergency.

'It looks not very nice, but it will do the job.'

It's freezing. Which side do you fancy, grey or coloured?

Mate, I just want to go in.

'I cannot actually believe we've just built that.'

We've got a couple of rugs from the seats in the car

what we've put up.

I think halfway through the night, Russell's going to get a cuddle.

-Oh, it's actually warm!

-Ah!

Oh, my God, this is bleak.

-LAUGHTER

-Fucking bleak!

-Oh, my God!

-COW MOOS

-Keep it down, Helen!

-Right, goodnight, my man.

-Goodnight.

-I'm going to hit the hay!

-LAUGHTER

Russ? Russ?

Yeah?

Look at that mountain, bro! My pyjamas were so cosy.

ARRON LAUGHS

PHONE JINGLES

Hello, baby girl!

Oh, what have you got?

I feel like absolute crap this morning.

The hay was comfortable, but some of the rocks got through,

so that was pretty shitty and annoying. I'd love a coffee.

And that's a cow's arse.

Oh, Russ, we've got figs!

-At least we don't have to cook them.

-There's figs!

No, they're ready to go.

I've actually gone past being hungry, I think.

Let's gets some eggs on. How many do you want?

-Definitely three. How many do you want?

-Three.

We had some provisions in the back. We've got eggs,

so, hopefully, we can make some eggs.

What's the bread like? Is it doable?

THEY SPIT

-What's that?

-That's blood, there.

-Seriously, what is that?

-Can we have a look?

It's dates. But they're covered in blood. Does that matter?

No, I think it improves a date when it's been soaked

in the blood of an animal we can't identify.

Oh, my God, what the F is that? Seri...

-HE GASPS

-It's a camel leg!

Dude, you don't think that's...

-Nathan?

-No!

Anyway, let's move up to the sanitary work station.

-Are you really going to do this?

-I'm really going to do it.

-SIGHING

-Listen, it's a joint...

What is the difference between that and a leg of lamb?

What's the difference?

-PHONE KEYS TAP

-"How to skin a camel leg."

It just says pierce a hole, tear it, yeah.

-Do you reckon that's the fat or just...?

-Yeah, the fat's good.

The fat's got loads of energy in it, innit?

-Look at me talking about, like, energy and fat.

-I know.

I'm really fat and I've got no energy at all.

-LAUGHTER

-I think it's a load of rubbish.

Hold on...

PHONE RINGS

Reda!

Oh, shit!

Don't let him see the camel's leg, he'll shit himself.

Hello, Reda?

Don't worry, it's fine. We...

No, your car...

Don't worry, honestly.

We got stuck in the desert, so we're in the desert at the moment.

We had to sleep here overnight. Everything's fine.

-The animal's fine.

-The animal's fine.

-Then we're not lying.

-The animal's completely fine.

We're going to deliver the animal in the next couple of hours

and everything will be fine.

Erm, yep, the...

Yeah. Do you want to speak to Russell quickly?

Oh, you dick!

-HE WHISPERS:

-He said he wants his camel.

Hello?

-He's hung up.

-Are you serious?

He can tell the bullshit in your voice, man.

Google how much a camel is worth.

"How much is a three-year-old camel," yeah?

-OK. We're not going to cook that, are we?

-No.

Right, OK, one camel costs three donkeys or 12 cows.

-12 cows?

-Oh, you are joking!

Helen, better start waving your eyelashes when we get to Reda.

I can't do this heat any more.

Hey, Helen. You all right, baby girl?

Let's do this, man. Watch this, watch this, ready? Ready?

-Yes! First-time!

-All right, OK, hold on...

Yes!

-Let's go.

-At least we can't hit anything.

-LAUGHTER

-Yes!

THEY HUM

-Look at me driving the car like it's nothing now.

-Yeah, it'll be fine.

I actually like this car.

Helen is absolutely sound.

Helen!

How hot is it? It's insane.

-CRASHING

-What's that noise?

CAR STOPS

Are you joking?

Oh!

Actually panicking. I'm going to get out of the car.

-It's not even starting.

-I'm getting out the car, it's too hot.

Oh, my God!

-How far away are we?

-Hold on, hold on.

Is it walkable? Hi, Helen.

We're lost.

Dude, we've literally got a three-hour walk.

-Right.

-How about we ring Reda and tell him to come pick it up?

And bring us a new motor.

All right, I'll text Reda, hold on.

How far can cows walk?

-Oh, my God.

-What?

-HE READS:

-"Hi, guys. Where is my camel? Where are you? I'm worry."

LAUGHTER

I said, "Hi, Reda, the van has broken down, we'll have to walk".

-Hold on.

-He's going to kill us.

-Let me get the camel's foot out.

-Right, listen.

-Oh!

-Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

-He's not going to believe a dead foot!

-He will!

Yeah, that's it.

And we'll show picture of the foot and our feet,

as though we are all walking together.

-Brilliant. It looks like...

-It's not going to work!

Would you be expecting to use a detached camel leg as a prop?

-No.

-You'd believe it, dude.

-Of course.

That's totally convincing. Look at that!

You would not know, dude, you would not know!

-How is he going to believe that?

-He's not going to believe it,

but he'll see the camel and be chilled out for a couple of hours.

Then we'll get there with Helen and win him over.

I'm tweeting.

I'm putting, "Broken down in desert. Tips for survival - hot, sad face."

I do hope Reda is not on Twitter, cos we are absolutely finished.

PHONE JINGLES

Oh, Helen, we've got a little stroll.

I'm sorry, babe.

Do you know what we should head to?

What looks like the most civilisation.

-There's a tree there.

-That's more of a valley.

What happens if she kicks off?

We're going to have to get her off and see how she walks.

I'm just going to untie you here.

On this phone we have an app called iHunt.

-We can talk to cows.

-Oh, you've got a cow translator?

It means "get up," look.

-MOOING

-Does that mean "get up"?

-Look!

-Oh, my God!

-She just got up!

Are you actually... This is actually real! This is a real app!

Someone's going to find a dead truck,

with half a camel leg hanging out the back of it

and some hand warmers.

You know what? I've got a feeling we're going to need bribing dates.

-I'm going to take some of them in my pocket. Come on, Hels.

-Let's go.

Good girl!

Listen, if this was a donkey, it would look like the Nativity.

-Oh, my God, you're dressed as... you're dressed as Mary!

-I know!

Dude, I'm fully Joseph!

This is the Nativity!

# We three Kings of Orient are

# One in a taxi, one in a car

# One on a scooter, beeping his hooter

# Going to see Reda. #

-DRAMATIC CHORAL MUSIC

-Good girl, Helen.

THEY WHISTLE

How do we get down to the river?

Helen, it looks like you know exactly where you're going.

Dude!

Russell, actually, no way!

-What's that?

-A tent.

Can you, erm, can you ring Reda quick?

-Is that a Berber village or something?

-Can you ring Reda?

-Ring him? About what?

-About what his cousin's place looks like.

That is the only place here, so it's...

-Listen.

-DIALLING TONE

-FAINT HUMMING

-That's music, that.

Hello?

-Reda!

-Hi, Reda.

-Yes.

-I think we may have found your...

Is it a tent?

-No, it's a...village.

-Does it have music?

-A village?

-A big village, yeah.

It's not like a giant black tent

with menacing bongos or anything, is it?

No.

-What's that?

-OK, thanks.

I mean, that's not where we are, I was just wanting to check.

THEY MIMIC STUTTERING

-Oh! This signal out here is so bad.

-That's a shame, isn't it?

Dude, that must be a traditional Berber village.

Listen, "The Sahara, with 3.5 million square miles,

"is the largest hot desert in the world.

"The Berbers appeared on the scene

-"in the dawn of the Sahara's history."

-But they're pre-Arab.

So they basically own the whole of the Sahara,

so we're basically walking into their postcode.

-Oh, my God.

-Oh, man.

There's, like, just four men just stood there.

Hang on, Berbers,

"they are friendly and hospitable with you".

It all sounds good so far.

The worst they're going to do is be a bit, kind of, "No cameras."

It's a bartering culture.

That's good, we've got stuff in the bag - bits and pieces.

What is in the bag?

Let's go over there, let's not focus on that now.

Why won't you tell me what's in the bloody bag?

I don't think we should lose time. We're losing light.

There's plenty of light to look in the bag!

-This is probably the scariest thing we've done yet.

-Yeah, I'm scared.

I'm actually terrified, bro.

-Come, baby.

-HE CLICKS HIS TEETH

Hey.

Salaam. Salaam.

-Salaam.

-Salaam.

-Hello.

-Salaam.

-Hello, nice to meet you!

Bonjour.

Je ne pais Francais.

MAN TALKS ANOTHER LANGUAGE

-Salaam.

-MAN TALKS ANOTHER LANGUAGE

-IN FRENCH ACCENT:

-Je suis on a TV programme exploring.

-Oui?

-We saw the Berber.

Je voudrais... Bonjour.

Salaam, salaam.

THEY TALK

This is... C'est mon ami, Arron.

-Hello.

-Je m'appelle Russell.

HE TALKS ANOTHER LANGUAGE

Je suis on TV, actor and...

exploring Morocco avec mon ami.

-Salaam. Nice to meet you, man.

-Salaam.

-Arron.

-Salaam, man.

Merci, merci, merci.

We was thinking maybe for some...

We could take some water?

-L'aqua? It's possible?

-Aqua?

Just don't speak, Arron, we're doing really well.

And I have...

From London. One moment.

Now he gets the bag out.

It's not very...

-IN FRENCH ACCENT:

-..practicement. Non.

-Man!

-What?

-You've got your DVD in there.

-I know.

You've brought your DVD to Morocco?

-This is mon DVD.

-You don't see me

-whipping out my Facebook page, do you?

-For you, a gift.

I'm embarrassed for you, so...

-For you.

-Russell, Russell, can you let...

I've got one more, do you want?

-He's brung another out.

-It's yours, my gift, thank you.

Russell, have you got a DVD player in there?

-No.

-Well, we're pretty stuffed.

No, because they'll sell those at the market.

They could trade those on. Little bit of French, bit of politeness,

little bit of appreciating their home goes a long way.

-How's your adrenaline?

-Do you know when you're standing in a bar?

You don't want to look bad, you're the only one with ID.

-Yeah.

-And you're 14. I've got that feeling.

-I was the ID one.

-You did fine, man.

CLANGING

-Oh, they've made a thing for the cow!

-Oh, yeah!

LAUGHTER

I've got a horrible feeling we're here for the night.

I ain't staying here. No way, I'm ain't staying here.

Taste that.

Oh, mint! Cheers.

THEY TOAST

-Who's that? Who's that?

-LAUGHTER

-Ooh!

-Ooh!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Oh! Awesome.

-Oh, my God.

-I miss my children.

-He's going to start crying in a minute.

No, I won't cry, I won't cry.

-DIALLING TONE

-Hello?

-Can you hear me?

Daddy's girl.

I just thought I'd give you a ring and tell you that I love you and Mia

and I hope you're OK.

-Daddy.

-I love you!

CHILD TALKS

Yeah, I miss you, I miss you, all right?

-OK, as long as you're OK.

-Yeah, I'm good.

Don't cry in the Berber tent, man, it's too deep.

I love you, babe.

-We miss you.

-I'm starting crying, seeing you crying.

-See you later.

-I love you.

-Love you.

-Bye.

-Bye.

I told Lindsey I don't cry. When you cry over your missus, I fill up.

I just miss her.

It's been a tough, tough day.

We found a tent.

Well it's like about three or four put together, actually.

We automatically thought, "Oh, God, we're not supposed to be here",

but, once we got talking to them, they invited us in.

This was two hours ago.

-We need to make a move with the cow soon and find a solution.

-We do.

We're going to take the cow and we're going to make a move now.

THEY SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE

In the dark.

HE MIMICS HOWLING

-THEY HOWL

-Wolf, wolves? Wolf.

THEY HOWL

They are very lovely people, by the way, but we got a little bit,

"OK, if we leave, I think we're going to offend them."

You hear these stories of all these peoples and tribes,

where you're sort of welcomed, then if you get the etiquette wrong,

you can quickly turn the situation nasty and I just, for a second,

thought something like that was going to happen.

This is an amazing opportunity and we're going to knock it.

We're going to get it, we'll grab it by two horns.

Two of Helen's horns. Oh, there she is. She's just licking her bits.

Je, er, freezio.

ARRON GASPS

S'appelle Dashiki?

THEY SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE

Oh, my God, this is so cool.

I'm trying to hold my breath.

Where am I going?

-Do you have a larger size?

-I'm panicking in here.

LAUGHTER

-Yes!

-HE PANTS

RUSSELL LAUGHS

He just done that face, he just done that face, he went...

LAUGHTER

Hey. Where shall we sit, over here?

-Is that a lizard?

-What?

-Is that a lizard?

There's a dead lizard next to the carrots.

Well, the starter looks excellent.

-Oh, my...!

-OK. What you want me to do?

Huh? Behead the...lizard?

Is this for real?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Oh, the fruit. I'll peel fruit all night.

Thank you, thank you.

-Gutted, mate.

-LAUGHTER

OK.

-I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

-Oh, God, Jesus!

-I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

-Oh, my God!

-Twist it. Don't look, don't look.

We're getting there.

Just a little bit...

-RATTLING

-Oh, fucker!

Oh, my God, it's done.

-Thank you.

-Yay!

-Yay!

-Now what? Do I leave it there?

-Yeah.

-Mate, I'm shaking.

-Oh, God, I've got to do more.

MAN SPEAKS IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE

-NERVOUSLY:

-OK.

Woo!

Please help me, Dad character.

LAUGHTER

I think they're laughing at you. Oh!

Arron, I'm going to bang a quick tweet out

about how to prepare lizard meat.

-Go for it.

-I've got like one dot of Wi-Fi.

Dude, I've got a message off a butcher we can call back home.

I can't even Skype him,

-cos we don't have the signal, but...

-Just get on with it.

DIALLING TONE

Hello, Scott?

I've got a message that you're the man to call

for strange butchering requests.

A lizard?

Look, the long and short of it is this -

I've got the head off it. What do I do next?

It's upside down, it's belly up.

Yep.

Oh, under the skin, like that.

-SCOTT:

-Put your knife under the skin.

-Yep.

-No, no. Put it under, under, under.

-Under the skin?

-That's it, like that. Yeah.

-OK.

-Pff!

-Oh, my God.

-Eugh!

It's like trying to go through

the leather of a shoe!

Have you done a lizard before?

OK, yeah, I can see where that's coming from.

-Oh, hang on. I've got a little slit.

-Hold on, hold on.

Yes, it's tearing, it's tearing.

-PHONE BEEPS

-What?

-He's gone!

The butcher's cut-off.

We can't even get a phone call.

-Dude, we're doing it.

-Yes!

LAUGHTER

-What's it doing?

-It's moving!

Oh, my God! What the hell is going on?

-Seriously, do you think it's moving?

-I'm going to stop watching it.

Arron, Arron, try and skin that and tell me.

What the hell was that? Tell me you saw that?

I'm really not enjoying this.

Eugh!

Sorry, sorry.

It's dead, yeah?

This is the divine justice of this country

for messing with Reda and his camel.

Why do I get the big one? It's cos I'm the big lad, isn't it?

-Mm, tuck in, thank you.

-Cheers.

-Shukran.

It's actually totally banging.

It's just like barbecue chicken.

When your dad cooks a barbecue and he gets a bit drunk

and it leaves it on for a bit. It's good.

-It's nice, man.

-The lizard's good, man.

We've made a fire,

we've slept out in the stars and we're eating lizard.

I can officially say...I'm a man.

Arron?

Did you sleep right, mate?

-No.

-You didn't?

I slept beautiful.

Did you hear the baby at about 5am?

Yeah. Yeah, it actually reminded me of home.

I need to check Helen.

The last thing I saw was a guy pointing at Helen

and going like this to me. He went like this...

-He did not?

-We need to go and check on her, mate.

-Are you joking?

-I'm not even joking.

If I go out there and she's gone, I'm going to be very upset.

No, no, no. Is my Wi-Fi working?

I was hoping...

You normally come somewhere like this to detox from technology.

-Hello.

-Hello, morning.

-Yeah, good sleep.

-Salaam.

Amazing.

-What's happening?

-Helen's still alive.

Hey, baby girl! Don't be scared.

Do you want some water?

That's it, I'm not going to hurt you.

Can we search what animals are near a pond in Morocco?

Cos if I get...

Have you ever seen the scene out of Crocodile Dundee

when she goes down to get the water and that big...

What?

What is that?

Tell me you can see that long, black thing over there.

Is that a fake snake? Is that a joke?

Ha-ha, very funny.

-You're very funny.

-Is that your idea of humour?

Berber humour? That looks really real!

I'm actually lost for words right now.

That has got to be a child's toy, that cannot be a real snake.

Oh, it's moved, that's real, that's real!

It's actually real! I ain't even joking.

I'm getting a Berber, dude. Wait, wait, wait.

Hey, look, he's here, he's here, look. Get the eldest one.

Here, come. This, down there.

Russell, don't go... Agh!

See you later, see you later.

Oh! Oh, my God, it's going to bite him!

What's he doing?!

-You thought that was a plastic snake.

-Oh, God!

-You thought that was a bit of rope.

-It just went for his face.

Agh!

I'm getting this on social media.

-I wouldn't get too close, Arron.

-How is this real?

We've just gone to get some water from the camp.

Arron's having a panic attack, with good reason.

We found a king, an actual...

It looks like a king cobra.

That is in a bad mood.

-Look how chilled they are.

-It's like nothing has just happened.

It's probably... You know you get a stray dog in the garden?

That's exactly what's just happened with an Egyptian king cobra!

Egyptian? We're in Morocco, you twat!

That's what it just said. We Googled it and it said Egyptian king cobra.

-Oh, right.

-Why is an Egyptian king cobra in Morocco?

It must be on a gap year.

LAUGHTER

I can't even believe we're laughing about this.

He's getting rid of it in the desert, look.

So, the Moroccan cobra and the Egyptian cobra are the same thing.

The venom affects the nervous system,

-causing death due to complete respiratory failure.

-Ah!

I think we should just get the cow...

-And get out of here. I'm with you.

-..and just go.

-I'm with you.

Unbelievable, man!

-Look.

-Ah, oui, oui!

-Yeah, big muscles, man.

You've got big ones. Yeah.

NERVOUS LAUGHTER

Mate, you just saved our lives!

I've got it.

I'm just checking in the water, cos I swear I saw something else moving.

'It was an amazing night.'

And I don't want to sound patronising,

but how boiled down and simple their life was, in a weird way,

it gave me a little nudge about the things

that maybe I'm getting wrong in my life.

And I know this project's supposed to be celebrating the smartphone.

And this is the paradox, I suppose.

We wouldn't have got there if it weren't for the phone.

But what the phone has taught me is

life is better when you use your phone less.

-Thanks for getting us out.

-HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

'Basically, what I'm saying is'

I'm going to hang around my nan's house more often.

Au revoir, mon Berber ami!

Come to visit us next time! We'll go Nando's!

THEY TALK

Seriously, we've got to watch out for snakes.

Great.

-PHONE JINGLES

-Right, the road!

-We're back on the...

-Reda!

Take the call.

Hello, Reda!

'Hello, guys!'

Reda, listen, We're doing the best we can with the limited resources.

We're making our way on foot.

But last night we had to seek shelter, cos we ran out of light.

'OK, good luck, and my brother is waiting for you.

'He is really, really so angry.

'I don't know what he's going to do when he will see you.'

All right, Reda. Thank you very much.

We'll make our way as quick as possible.

-Let's go.

-I'll tell you what, I'm not going to stand for anything.

I'm...I'm done. We've just seen a cobra!

We're heading in exactly the right direction.

This is definitely the right road. Last night was special.

-It was good.

-We left without even having breakfast,

cos it was all a bit sort of adrenaline-y.

Food wasn't really our focus.

The few dates we've got, we need for this - the third companion.

We have water. We've got one bottle left.

One canteen between us.

You wouldn't believe how quickly this view becomes terrifying.

It only represents possible death.

This heat, man. This is just mental.

"What did you do in Morocco, Arron?"

"Erm, don't ask."

No-one's going to believe me, man.

I need water, mate.

Dude, that water you've collected smells a bit dodgy.

Let me see what I can find.

Can you drink...

unpurified water?

Give this one a go.

Hey, guys. Today on Bland County Survivorman,

I'm going to cover probably a controversial subject here.

If you drink questionable water through your mouth...

you're probably going to cause yourself

to vomit all that water back up anyway

and it's not going to do you any good.

So, the alternative to that is give yourself an enema with the water.

-An enema?

-BOTH:

-Whoa!

What else is he saying?

I'm not doing this.

Take your pants, pull 'em down...

Watch, watch, watch, watch!

Get down. Now, the best way to do this, guys,

is you lay down on your side.

Oh, that's upsetting...

-Now, guys, when you're doing this right here...

-Oh, God!

..you know you're going to have to have some kind of lubrication.

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, my God, I don't really want to watch this.

But I feel strangely compelled to.

-Oh, my God, he's put it in his bum.

-Oh, this is a great idea.

There it goes.

I think that video is more about how lonely he's got in the wild

than it is about an enema. It's not much help.

Dude, I can't do this.

This is actually getting really unsafe now.

Oh, my God!

I'm done, man.

I'm not even joking. I'm so thirsty, I'm so tired.

I just want to have a little rest, bro.

I have come to a full stop.

I have no idea what's going on properly.

I'm so thirsty. I'm sunburned.

I just want this to be over now, really.

Let's go and get this out of the way sooner rather than later.

-Come on!

-Face it. Then, do you know what we can do?

We can go and drink mineral water in the bar and celebrate.

-I need water, mate.

-Oh, Helen, what do we do?

-I need water!

When I see my kids, I'm actually going to cry my little eyes out.

Oh, my good God!

Good girl!

The cow just showed us the way. Do you know the shame of that?

Is this guy really going to want to have a row with us?

-Cos I'm not up for that.

-The thing is, we are too exhausted

to have a row, so we can just stand there and take it.

What's the name of the place we need?

You've got it on your phone, man.

-That's it.

-Oh, my God.

It looks like something out of, like, Nazareth, or something.

I can't believe we've actually made it.

Ait Benhaddou.

That's the one.

Ait Benhaddou, that's where we're supposed to deliver the camel.

So glad we are here at last light.

-ARRON GASPS

-Reda!

-Hey, Reda!

What is this?

A couple of administrative issues.

What's Reda doing here?

I thought just Reda's brother was going to be here?

But what are you doing with this animal?

We can explain.

THEY SPEAK IN OWN LANGUAGE

-Come on, Helen.

-Listen, man, you know, we've had trouble.

THEY SPEAK IN OWN LANGUAGE

We did get a camel.

-But the camel was wild.

-He's crazy.

If we'd have brought you the real camel...

-Look at the sign.

-"Camel ride". Oh, shit.

-What happens if you ride a cow?

-Look, she loves tea!

-Her name's Helen. You might pronounce it "Khel-en".

-Watch, look!

We're going to start some cow rides soon, I think.

So, tell everyone in the village.

At the end of the day, you entrusted two comedians to transport a camel

across a foreign terrain.

Although we have failed to bring a camel,

you have gained a cow. Yeah?

-OK.

-Amazing.

I can't explain the experience I've had. The things I've seen.

This is just a road trip. This is going to be...

-Take it easy.

-BOTH:

-Oh, my God!

How many firsts have you done on this trip?

Yes!

'Fire.'

Oh, it's actually warm!

'Sleeping out under the stars.'

Eugh!

'Eating lizard.'

How long ago does the camel seem?

That's another first, trying to lead a camel on a lead.

-Nathan!

-LAUGHTER

Do you want a camel?

If you had told me this before, I'd have said,

"Mate, there's no way. I will be no good."

Salaam. Pleased to meet you, man.

This has just been a wonderful experience.

I just want to thank... I don't know who to thank.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-My agent, my producer...

No, no. I just want to thank you, man. Thanks for doing this with me.

Thank you, thank you, Russ. Thank you, man.