Norway Stupid Man, Smart Phone

For centuries explorers have battled with Mother Nature.

Now, pampered comedian Russell Kane...

Ah! It's freezing.

..wants to join their ranks...

-I miss my mum.

-..by tackling extreme survival...

-Argh!

-..with just...

-This.

-..a mobile phone?

How to find water in the desert.

-I use my phone for everything.

-Turn the choke all the way down.

They got billions of users around the world.

The web has all the answers.

It's here on the map! That's it there.

Joined by the internet's brightest stars...

-I'm a son of a Jedi.

-..and their legions of followers.

Does it get physical?

I don't think the production team

are always going to be taking it easy that on us.

Together, they'll face the worst that nature can throw at them.

Russell!

I just want to know that if we get bitten by something,

we've got the antidote.

-Oh, God!

-Yeah, the team will ensure that we are safe

and that we always have internet reception.

They're accompanied by a barely helpful crew...

Please! Come on, guys.

..who'll be going in the odd curveball.

The doors don't close.

They'll use their signal...

-We've got a bag of poo.

-..for survival.

-Mind the bag! Who said that?

-Yes!

I love you, internet!

This time, it's internet versus the Arctic...

How are we going to get across that?

..as Russell treks the tundra with lifestyle vloggers Rose and Rosie.

So, Rosie and I have been married now for six months.

They'll need to conquer extreme temperatures...

Yes! Fire!

..and a fear of the dark...

THEY SCREAM

-What?

-I thought it was a finger or something.

It's going to be OK.

..in their search for the Northern Lights.

Crazy!

Godspeed, stupid man.

I've been posting in the days leading up to this,

and someone posted me an article that the Arctic Tundra

-which we're on the cusp of...

-OK.

-..is the hardest place to survive on the whole of Earth.

-Oh.

Harder than, like, the hot desert?

-Yeah.

-Harder than the desert, harder than Southend, where I grew up.

All I'm worried about is where to go to the toilet.

-Yeah, me too.

-Yeah, the same.

There is a guy who I've been told to meet.

-He's going to give us some survival tips.

-OK.

Probably help us out a bit. Point us in the right direction, so we can

start trying to find the best place to view the Northern Lights.

-OK.

-OK.

-Clear?

-Yeah.

-Clear.

-Let's go.

-Let's do it.

-I reckon we should go that way, for no reason whatsoever!

Don't fall on the ice.

Did you bring loo roll?

-I didn't bring toothpaste.

-I brought loo roll.

-I brought no toothpaste.

-I haven't brought anything.

-I've got a bit. We can share it.

-You're not sharing it.

All right. Guys?

I've found a really good app that actually translates

stuff into whatever language you want it too.

-It won't have Norwegian on there.

-It's got Norwegian on there!

-Result.

-Shall we try it?

We need to ask him where are the Northern Lights.

Right. Where are the Northern Lights?

-A-ha.

-There it is. It's working.

-PHONE:

-Hvor er nordlyset?

"Whore I know Lisa?"

"Whore I know Lisa."

It sounds like a misogynist Geordie!

Can you see if you can make it say,

"Have you got a selection of meats and cheeses?"

Yeah. Hold on.

-Let's do it.

-BANG

Whoa, whoa!

-What the hell?

-Someone just shot...

-Oh, my God!

We're from England. Please don't shoot.

It's probably our guide.

-The guide.

-Now, remember, what's the language?

-Hvor er nordyset.

-I'll get the banter off him.

-Hi.

-Hello.

Hi.

-Hvor er nordyset?

-Hvor er nordyset?

THEY ATTEMPT TO SPEAK NORWEGIAN

That's German.

THEY ATTEMPT TO SPEAK NORWEGIAN

HE SPEAKS NORWEGIAN

THEY ATTEMPT TO SPEAK NORWEGIAN

HE SPEAKS NORWEGIAN

Ah, all the way through there. That looks like a long way away.

-Just as we suspected.

-I've got one more question.

-Do you speak English?

-Yeah.

-Oh. Thank God!

OK, so where exactly is the best place to see the Northern Lights?

It's like up there, like two or three days' walk from here

-towards the Sami village.

-Sami village? What's that?

It's the indigenous people of Norway.

What, are they like an Eskimo type of people?

-Yeah.

-Really?

-Yes, it's like that.

-We're going to see Eskimos!

-Living with the reindeer,

-or living off the land.

-No way!

-Yeah.

-OK.

-Well, that's pretty awesome.

-That's pretty cool.

-How well are you equipped?

-The three of us are just going to survive...

-OK.

-..using just this piece of equipment. Let me show you.

This.

No.

We've got rechargers. And we've got a signal.

-And that's it.

-That's it.

-And warm clothes.

-OK.

Everything else, we've got to create.

-How about a good, like, a cooker and stuff?

-We can Google.

We've brought what we thought we would need.

Yeah. You have a cutting tool, a knife?

-Axe, something like that?

-No.

OK. But I have something here over in my bag.

You can have the birds from today's hunt.

That's the thing you have on your head.

But I've got this underneath.

It's like my gangster dooley.

Aw, thank you so much!

-Velcro at the back!

-It's all here.

This is the best tool you can have up here.

That's the Sami knife.

-Sami knife.

-Somewhere.

-Knife stuff.

-OK.

-That's what you would need.

Scandinavian survival food.

-Yes!

-That's good stuff.

When it's real cold you need energy, this is the stuff.

-OK.

-What is it?

-It's good stuff.

-Promise.

-Every vegan celiac wants to hear.

-Oh, thank you so much.

-At least you have a little bit extra supply,

but without a knife, an axe, you would have big trouble.

OK. Well, it's been a pleasure. Thank you so much for the grub.

If anything happens to us, don't turn me into a hat. Please!

Cool. OK. Bye! Wish us luck.

I've always wanted to be a rug.

-I'm just throwing it out there.

-Let's go, guys.

I've been walked on most of my life.

They have no idea what they're doing.

I think, like, just using your phone to survive out here that's...

I've seen quite a few stupid ideas,

but that's one of the top of the list, I would say,

of stupid survival ideas.

Right, we need to download a night-light app,

because I'm absolutely terrified of the dark.

No, like, really, like,

I have to sleep at home with all the lights on, or at least,

the curtains open and a night-light on.

I didn't actually realise that!

You're going to be really annoying.

I'm a bit worried, but...

they have good spirit, so that...

..that might help them.

I'm missing a glove.

-Right, backtrack.

-Well, we're going to...

-Rosie, this is exactly why you'll die first.

-Did I give it to you?

Did I give it to someone? I'm really cold!

I really don't think so.

I very much hope I won't be picking up some stiff bodies on

the top of the mountain, one of the...

-..one of the days.

-Wait!

Oh, my God! I'm not even joking! I've found my glove!

THEY CHEER

-Oh, well done!

-Oh!

Thank God for that.

-Oh, my God! Look at these!

-Oh, my God!

-It's like the Olympics.

That's a very yellow icicle I'm holding.

Oh, my God. There's probably some Viking up there,

weeing off the edge!

So we're still going north and we've decided to take the most

dangerous path possible.

He definitely pointed this way for the Sami village.

He said, "Just keep going north."

But this is starting to look really wrong.

It doesn't look particularly safe to me, up here.

No. We're going to fall. There's no way I'm going to break something.

Shit the bed! How are we going to get across that?

With difficulty.

Guys, how do we cross snowy...

Rock face with no equipment? With no climbing equipment.

All I get is, "When are you going to come out? When are you going to come out?" That's all people tweet back.

"Are you gay?"

"Can you show a pic so we have an idea what you have to cross?"

-Shall I take a picture?

-"Can't your boyfriend help you?"

Right, so, we stick close to the wall.

We can maybe scramble across the middle bit?

-Could we have the plan with less technical detail, please?

-Yeah!

It's called Russell-go-first!

Right, OK. Thought it might be!

Just remember, try and keep as close to the rocks as possible.

-OK.

-You go up.

-Is up...

-Yeah. Hold on.

-Argh!

-Hold on,

And are you all right with me touching your bum?

-Yes.

-Right. Only if you're catching up.

OK. Just let me know when the rule's not longer functioning.

I'm going to test... Careful. That's loose.

-That's-that's...

-Why didn't we bring rope?

-That's OK. Whoa!

-You all right, Rosie? Yeah.

-Whoa!

-Russ, you all right?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

Honestly, stand-up is scary enough.

OK, be careful here, Rose.

Yeah. Also, watch your eyes.

Fuck's sake!

Careful, guys, it's steep.

-Yeah!

-Oh, my God! We're alive.

-Group hug!

Can't believe we did it.

That was really hard. I nearly fell a couple of times.

-Oh, my God.

-Yeah, I know. I really slid at one point.

I nearly filled my waterproof pants.

And it was horrible as well cos I was just facing the wall,

so all I could see was wall, so I was like,

-"Rosie, are you still there?"

-Thank you for looking after me.

-It's OK.

-We should push on.

Any idea which way we go from here?

Down here, do you think?

-Yeah.

-Oh, great.

-Just head down.

-It's not over at all.

-When's the hottest part of the day?

-There isn't one.

PHONE: What are the symptoms of hypothermia that you know

I need to take action now?

'Simply shivering. That is your moment to act

'because after you shiver you can literally go rigid.

'Even your brain goes numb. You might have slurred speech,

'just, say, a downward spiral.

'So, really, OK, I'm shivering, it's time to improve my situation.'

Oh, I'm starving. I'll have yours.

-Yeah.

-The only thing we've got left, I'm afraid, are weird tins,

-where I don't even know what's in it.

-Do we have an idea what's in it?

-Is it like a soup?

-Well, there's a picture of a fish on it.

It's called Oskar's surstromming.

Right, chuck me one over.

Ow! Joking.

Ready? Go for it. OK.

-Ooh, careful, Rose.

-Mmm!

-Yes, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in.

-Are you in?

-Oh, my God.

That was like someone farted through fish.

-I'm not even...

-Argh!

Did you see that?

-I heard it.

-It squirted pure fish juice in my eye.

-I'm not even joking.

-Oh, my God. It stinks. I can smell it from here.

Like... Oh, my God. It's so overpowering.

That's absolutely disgusting.

-I can't breathe.

-That is horrible.

I got a non-consensual facial with fish juice!

I can't watch you eat it!

That is raw fish, ungutted.

I don't think you should eat raw fish guts.

All right, I'll Google if it's OK to eat raw fish guts.

What is it? What is it called?

It's surstromming.

S-U-R-S. And then "tromming." T-R-O-M-M-I-N-G. All one word.

He's got a tin, just like ours. It's got the fish on the tin.

OK, I'm not eating it.

The herring, it contains so much carcinogenic,

ie cancer-causing,

dioxin and PCB which it absorbs from the Baltic Sea,

that it would be illegal to sell it under EU rules,

if not for the cultural exemption, so that...

-I can't...

-Only because the Swedes have said,

"Oh, it's a cultural tradition," that it's even legal.

I found a video.

'So, this is the number two

'on the list of the world's smelliest foods.'

Oh!

It's making me feel sick.

THEY SCREAM

-All over him!

-That happened in my eye.

-That.

-Urgh!

-Oh, my God. I can see the smell.

MAN IN VIDEO RETCHES

-She's going to be sick.

-This is making it worse.

I've got to eat this.

Oh!

It's like a fat Santa throwing up.

That is not Santa.

HE CONTINUES RETCHING

Eurgh!

I feel sorry...

He's got snot coming out of his nose!

I knew it was rotten fish.

I knew it was rotten fish. I didn't know it was going to spray.

Are you OK?

THEY SCREAM

-Why?

-You nearly threw the phone in the fish juice.

-Twonk!

-Right, I'm not eating it.

You're not eating it. You're not eating it.

-I'm certainly not eating.

-We're going to lose light.

-We've got to get the hell out of here.

-We need to find food.

-OK.

I'm not eating cancer rotten fish. We have got a frozen bird,

but I'd rather keep that for absolute emergencies.

-Mm-hm.

-Have berries?

-We might find a porridge plant.

Or I saw a Coco Pops tree down the road.

I just had one of the worst experiences of my life,

and I've done an all-inclusive to Faliraki when I was 18,

where I didn't have sex.

I am now stained with stinky fish smell.

I've anti-bacced it,

but all I am now is an antibacterial, stinky fish tramp.

And I'm too scared to have a wee, because I...

..I don't want to transfer the smell of the fish to, you know...

It's really dark. Like, don't you think

-we should make a fire now?

-Yeah, we need to make a fire.

I don't really want to go any further in because, like...

the more we're going in, the scarier it looks.

I'm really scared of the dark, like,

I literally have to sleep with the light on.

It's not a small fear, it's a...

I don't know why, but I'm just terrified.

I could cry. I don't even know what it is.

-I'm just scared someone is watching me. And, like...

-Boo!

-Agh!

This is ridiculous. I'm so hungry and frozen.

I'm not even paranoid about pooing any more, I'm that cold.

We've packed head torches, warm clothes.

-I didn't bring matches and neither did you.

-No.

How are we going to start a fire?

Well, it can be done.

I know you can rub, like, sticks together.

There is this one lady that...

I mean, I've got to be honest, I've looked at her videos in the past.

-OK.

-The tours are long, what can I say?

And her name is Bunny Hunter.

So what does she do?

She does extreme survivalism, but she's hot as well.

-OK.

-That's all right.

-Probably makes more sense...

Probably makes more sense if I show you this. Watch this.

Some may find these images disturbing.

-Oh.

-All right.

'I've got my 1650 psi...

'..air rifle. I'm going to go squirrel hunting.'

I mean, for me, this is just about the survival information.

Yeah, of course, of course.

She's going in for the kill.

GUNSHOT

ROSIE AND ROSE GASP

-That's sad, really.

-I know.

-It's horrible.

But we need to use her for her skills.

She's definitely going to know how to light a fire.

So freezing. Like, if you take your hand out of your glove

for one second to use the phone, like, you just freeze, don't you?

You lose it. You lose it. It's gone.

Hey, guys.

This clearing. Yeah?

-Everyone good?

-Do it.

How much have we got? Oh, yes.

PHONE RINGS

Hi, Bunny, I'm Russell.

-'Hey, Russell.'

-That's Rosie.

-Hi!

-'Hi, hi.'

-And that's Rose.

-Hi, Bunny!

-'Y'all look cold.'

-Yeah!

-It's freezing!

It's freezing.

Our primary concern is how to build a fire

and I know that's something you know how to do.

'What type of supplies do you have there?'

-We've got just...

-Knives, wood...

-some tampons.

-Tampons.

-'Tampons? You said it right there.

'Tampons are extremely flammable.

'What you want to do is unfurl the edges,

'so that it is puffed out and is easy for the fire to catch on

'and it will light up right away with no problem.'

So, what about actually making the spark,

like, generating the spark, Bunny?

'I see that you have a knife...'

-Yeah.

-'..with a magnesium rod, which we call a ferro rod,

'here in the States.

'What you want to do is take the back of the knife

'and flick it against the magnesium.

'And this is going to start a spark.'

All I know is I'm going to be rubbing my ferro rod

as hard as I can. So watch out, ladies.

-Ew!

-Thank you, Bunny.

-Bye!

-Life-saver.

-Bye!

-'Bye, y'all!'

Right, where are the Tammy Wynettes? That's what I called them at school.

-Oh, it's nice. It's a nicer name.

-Tammy Wynettes.

-I like it.

-Oh, my God,

this is the weirdest thing that I've ever done.

-Have you ever held one before?

-Is it?

-Yeah, obviously

at school you throw them around the playground

and then you get suspended.

This looks like a really bad night out.

OK.

-Ready?

-Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It works, it works.

You've got smoke. That's pretty good.

THEY CHEER

Yes! Fire!

Use the back of the knife.

I got a bigger flame off the back cos there's more surface area.

-There we are. Yes!

-Woo!

# Burn, baby, burn. #

There's so much heat being generated from that.

I can't believe, like, from a tampon and a sparking knife...

-I know!

-..I'm warming my hand.

This, essentially, guys, could keep us alive.

Thank God for my tampons as well.

-Yes, thank God.

-Thank God you're a woman.

Can I just say, for the record, I know it's a joke phobia,

because it's not properly recognised,

but this is the first time I have ever touched, like, a dead bird.

You know, if the cat brings one in and it's half alive,

I have to cry in the kitchen until Lindsay gets home.

People are saying, "Why not use the quill to write your obituary with?"

Hashtag - cook it thoroughly.

Er... Yeah, so, obviously, I'm a vegan.

I just... I don't eat animals. I just don't want to eat animals.

There's a video here. Hold on.

-OK.

-There seems to be some sort of video.

'So just remove the feathers. I'll tie these up afterwards.'

-They're just coming away.

-He's just grabbing them.

Oh, well done. You're doing it already.

-Well, I just think...

-Don't put them all everywhere!

-You're making a mess.

-Oh, my God.

OK. Shall I take its head off?

Well, I just think, once the head is off it,

it's going to be easier to gut it and stuff.

It's less like a person.

Is a bird a person? This is for Anne Boleyn.

-Ugh!

-Agh!

Did that do it?

Yes!

I got the head off it.

'Cut down either side of the lines on that,

'once you've removed the skin.

-'And then there's a line underneath.'

-Ugh!

He's got the skin off straightaway, look!

-'Just peel it back.'

-That is mingin'.

-Guys, I'm going in. Here we go.

-Oh, Rose!

I can see horrible stuff down there.

-Down its leg.

-Do not inhale dead meat.

-Ugh.

-'If you're a bit squeamish, I'm sorry.'

-Oh, Russell. Oh, my God.

-Don't. Please, please don't.

Ooh, something just popped.

I think it might have been my moral core.

See, I am fine now. In fact, I'm quite enjoying it.

I've got...one...

..breast of a Norwegian grouse.

OK, it says here that you have to place the meat wherever you can

hold your hand comfortably for five seconds over the fire.

One, two, three, four, five.

-Yes, is that close enough?

-No, no, no.

-A bit closer?

Yes, so not too close, else it will burn.

So five seconds comfortably.

-Trying to..

-Kind of get like...

-Oh, yeah.

-Yay!

Dudes! I know what you're feeling, but we have done it.

That isn't appetising to me.

Right. But I am jealous that you have food.

We have forgotten the wine, though, and I feel such an idiot.

-I'm going to go for a taste. OK. You ready?

-Yeah.

-That's a big bit.

-That was massive.

-Amazing.

-Really? Honestly?

-Is it, really? Is it really good?

It's like a cross between...

-..beef and duck.

-That tastes so nice.

Try a bit of mine. It's really tender, that bit.

-It's really tender.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah, yeah. Get stuck in.

-Oh, my...!

That is so nice.

-It is really good.

-I did not expect it to taste so good.

That has...

got the magical seasoning you can't buy.

And do you know what that seasoning is? A sense of satisfaction.

Sleeping bag.

It's really weird going to bed in your clothes.

Oh, no, that's not weird.

It's weird going to bed in the Antarctic.

No, where are we? Arctic.

Arctic! I don't really know how I'm going to sleep out here.

Erm, I'm not particularly a good sleeper anyway,

so to fall asleep at -15 isn't going to be easy, so to speak.

We'll see. Wish me luck. OK, guys. Bye.

-Night, girls.

-Night, Russell!

How am I going to do this?

Quickly stick the arse end in there.

That's all the survival blankets.

We didn't even last the night.

Like, we were so proud, we got the fire lit,

we got into our sleeping bags and everything.

I got so cold that the safety team actually pulled us out and said,

"You, literally, you can't stay here."

Let's keep moving, guys. If you're stuck here,

-you're going to freeze to death.

-Seriously, this is bleak, isn't it?

In the middle of a forest in the snow.

I'll just say for the record, now that the girls are out of vision,

I was up for giving it a go.

I think when it gets down to the minus figures

and snow is landing on your actual face,

there's a chance you could die. And I do really want to be on TV,

but then I want to be able to be in the lounge,

watching myself afterwards.

Oh, my God. My feet are killing me.

How many pairs of socks have you got on?

-I'm still freezing.

-I'm so hungry, guys.

Rosie, you must be literally near to death.

I am. I'm starving.

I'm hungry. I'm so hungry and I just have to find something.

I need it to survive, basically.

We're not going to get to the Northern Lights,

unless I have something to eat.

Just anything that looks berry-like, just pick it up.

-Right. Here you go.

-And we will work out what is safe

-when we are back by the light, OK?

-Good plan.

-There's one.

There's a few. I don't know if they are safe or not.

Pop them in the tin.

I've got more than one. I've got one and a half.

-What, mushrooms or berries?

-No, berries.

Guys, I found another one.

One of the red ones we keep finding.

I'm going to tweet one of these.

Get them real close-up, so they can see it.

-That's it. That's it.

-The leaf has got to be in the picture.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

-Like that, yeah?

-Good point.

-Well done.

-Nice one.

Why don't you say, "Anyone know, can you eat this?

-"Hashtag - what is it?"

-Yeah.

There's not as many as I thought there would be.

It's a little disappointing.

I'm sure that's poisonous, but there we go.

Do you know what? I didn't even think about it.

What is that?

-Mate, that's light!

-Map, map.

-Map it! Good idea.

-Always thinking, always thinking.

-Google map.

-He's going to drop a pin.

-OK.

-Oh, God. She's still on there, that picture of that girl.

-So you can use your phone location, right?

-Yeah, there it is.

That must be that. A one-minute walk away.

-It's definitely that.

-Oh, my God.

-It's actually got a website.

-Yes!

-It must be like a Travelodge or something for people

that are coming to see the Northern Lights cos there are people on...

-It looks like holiday.

-Yeah, yeah.

Is it cheating if we phone that and go and stay in there?

Well, we've got no money, so... let's see what we can do.

-Blag our way on.

-Don't make me laugh.

I'm going to laugh.

Hello. Hi. Do you speak English?

Hello. Yeah.

Erm, we are some travellers...

We are doing, like, a survival trip around northern Norway

and I was just wondering if we could pop in?

Yes? Yes, we can.

-What?!

-Yes, we can pop in.

OK. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. We are so cold.

-Result, guys.

-Yeah!

-Stopping off.

Now, stay here. I'll go and speak to her and make sure she is cool.

-Then I'll come back and get you guys, OK?

-Don't die.

Finally, warm!

Wait, I think we could spoil the effect if we turn up with a camera.

I genuinely do want to get shelter here.

I'll go and sort out that and then we can film the bits afterwards.

All right. Hang here.

Hello?

Hello?

This journey so far has honestly been a lot harder

than I expected it to be.

The cold I didn't think was going to be an issue

cos I knew I'd have gloves and all the proper equipment,

So I thought, "Do you know what? No.

"That will be the easiest bit." Hardest bit.

The cold makes everything so much worse.

It accentuates all of your feelings, like, emotionally and physically.

When you panic, it's more panic.

-Yeah.

-When you're cold, you just get upset cold, not just cold

because you can't just put the heating on.

-And when you cry, your tears freeze.

-Freeze.

-So it's painful on the face.

So it's already mounting up to be quite a nasty experience in general.

It's not a hotel, but we have got some form of shelter.

And given that we haven't built one, it's an absolute touch.

So I need to go and let the girls know because they are stood in

the freaking dark, wondering if I'd been eaten by

a Norwegian cannibal family or something.

Right, good news. Really good news.

It's not a hotel, it's more...

like a facility for travellers.

No flushing toilets, nothing like that, I'm afraid.

But they have a thing called...

It's like a fire hut,

where you can put logs in and it's like a wooden tipi

and you can sit around and get warm and it's at least a shelter.

-A tipi is good enough for me.

-Eh?

-Don't slip, Rosie.

-No, I know.

I'm being really careful. I don't want to fall over.

Oh, my God.

After you, ladies.

-Thank you, Russell.

-Oh, my...

-Rosie!

-Is it warm? Is it warm?

It's got electricity. I bloody knew it!

-I was going to say!

-Guys, we can build a fire.

This is amazing.

Our arses are saved.

We've survived. We've done it with intuition, the internet,

as we challenged ourselves to do.

We used a map, and those are grapes.

I don't actually have to spear shit with a stick and cook it.

This is amazing. I can't believe this is the result.

I mean, we tried to sleep in an orange bag

on a dead carcass on the snow.

And now we're in a wooden tipi and there's logs.

We can get a fire going. Look, cooking implements.

Ah, someone's given us a link to edible berries.

-That's handy.

-That's good.

-Cloud berries.

People are sending us pictures of blueberry muffins.

Ha-ha!

Someone saying "Yes, you can eat them.

"It's BERRY unlikely you'll get sick from them".

Is it that one? It's that one.

Yes, it is that one!

I genuinely just used Twitter to...

-Let's have a look.

-It's that, isn't it?

What's it called?

-A lingonberry.

-Lingonberry.

Look. Like a berry-type leaf.

-That's the one.

-Yeah?

-100%.

And they grow in this area. We've identified them.

Checked the leaf.

We can eat them.

What a freaking result.

-Perfect.

-Nice one, internet. Quite dramatic on the fingers.

-I really like them.

-You like them?

Yeah, I really like them. They taste just like my smoothies.

-Do you want one?

-They are calorie dense, aren't they?

-It's fruit.

-They smell really nice.

-They are actually really fresh.

Get a picture of you eating wild berries.

Oh, my God. Do you know what it tastes just like?

My mum's pavlova.

-Seriously?

-This could be your last picture...

just before you keel over.

Your tongue's gone, like, purple from them.

-Has it?

-Yeah.

-They're absolutely gorgeous.

-Rosie, do you want some more?

-I really... I really like them.

-Guys, we've actually learnt how to live off the land.

-That's great.

I wouldn't say live, as I'm completely starving, but, yeah.

Do you think we'll get to see the Northern Lights, realistically?

Honestly, I don't know. We know where the best place is to see them,

but I honestly don't think we'll get there.

-Not there yet.

-I'm not telling Russell that, but basically

I'm worried that tomorrow, if we're not nearly there,

I don't know what to do because I'm going to feel really upset.

-Like, I don't want the journey to be wasted.

-Are you going to give up?

The place last night,

they provide husky trip experience...

Sorry, I can't speak. I'm exhausted.

And we're not getting anywhere on foot

we haven't even got to the Sami village.

We're not going to see the Northern Lights,

we're not going to find the viewing point. It's desperate times,

so we're going to ride a dog sled with no skills,

nothing except the internet. We don't speak Norwegian.

The phone's frozen, I can't use it.

But we're going to have a bash anyway.

We're going to get to the Sami village, we're going to see

the Northern Lights and we're going to finish this mission,

even if it kills me. That's normally a figure of speech.

This time, it could literally happen. Even the phone's died.

Please work.

It's been fun.

We've pressed the emergency help button a few times.

I've enjoyed it. But...

-I had some Brazil nuts.

-I know you did.

But I think we should just do this for real, yes?

It's our last push before we get there.

Let's really get on the dog cart.

Let's really try and find food today.

Let's really get to the Northern Lights.

Let's finish this. Absolutely smasher.

Let's do it, guys, yeah?

There's nothing more real than my excitement

mixed with fear and hunger.

Yeah. It's weird because even though it is snowy mountains

it feels a little less colder up here.

Do you think we've just got used to -10 or something?

I don't think I could ever get used to it, to be honest.

We're about to try and do dog sledding for the first time,

so if anyone knows anything about dog commands.

Do they speak Norwegian?

How do they poo when they're running? It would be just my luck

to finish the day with a poo being kicked in my face.

More to report tomorrow. If not, I'll just film my skeleton

and post it cos could you imagine the amount of views that would get?

A skeleton can't self film.

-It doesn't work.

-Hello.

-Hey.

-Hey.

-We need to get to the Sami village.

We've been walking by foot.

-We're tired.

-HE SPEAKS NORWEGIAN

What?

HE SPEAKS NORWEGIAN

Yeah.

-That's me.

-Yeah.

HE SPEAKS NORWEGIAN

-That's the brakes?

-Yeah.

Ah, right, gee.

-Haw.

-So gee is right?

Gee, haw.

Gee, haw.

Gee, haw.

How do you say stop?

There's no stop. Stop is here.

-OK.

-We can only go sideways.

Oh, I can smell dog poo. I've missed that smell from home.

-Oh, my God!

-That dog is weeing real bad.

Hello.

You want me to hold it? OK. OK.

I've got him. I've got him. Hello. Don't run away.

Don't run away. I've got you.

-I've got you.

-Rosie, look at how excited they are.

-He's trying to get away!

-Stay, stay, stay!

Excuse me, what's this one's name?

Will you stop now?

Will you stop now? Come on.

No, Rosie, you are rewarding bad beh...

She can't even hold one. How are we going to control eight?

Guys! Guys, I've lost one.

How are we going to get there with seven dogs?

We're losing light. Come on, kids.

Let's roll. Woo!

Oh, my God.

What the hell are we about to do?

Let's go. Let's go to the Sami village.

-Do we need to lean?

-Gee, gee, gee, gee!

THEY SHOUT: Gee!

Not too much, Rosie. Oh, my God.

So much fun.

Oh, my God. This is amazing.

-Look, no hands.

-No hands.

-Oh, the view!

Oh, this is so beautiful.

-Oh, my God.

-This is going to get us to the Sami village so much quicker.

This is the most manly thing I've ever done, seriously.

PHONE: In 200 metres, turn right.

Pooing and running. He's pooing and running!

-Where?

-Oh, yeah.

-There's a poo!

-There's the log.

-Oh!

-Oh, my God!

Ah, the brake's got it. It's under the brake. It's under the brake.

Oh, my God. Now we've stopped, he's not pooing.

-Can I have a go on the back?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Will it work?

-Rosie, would you mind two secs if I went?

-Do it.

-OK!

-OK.

-Whoa!

-Agh!

-Rosie?

That's why I'm driving.

-Are you on it, Russell?

-I'm on it.

-Look, look, look.

There's a little peak that looks like Everest. Oh!

It's here on the map. That must be it.

That's it there! Sami village just over the hill.

-Oh, my God.

-Did you see it?

We are there, guys. We have made it.

-Oh, my God.

-We have sledged our way to safety.

-Yes! Well done, Russ.

-OK.

-Well done, Russell.

That's it. I sent a tweet asking about Sami people,

so we can get a bit of cultural information when we get there,

-so we're not complete morons.

-OK. Well done, guys.

High-five all round! Thank you.

Thank you. You're good. You're good.

-Let's go to Sami town.

-Go on.

# Ooh, doo, dah Sami time! #

-That was a bad one.

-Are you OK?

-Oh, wow! Oh!

Oh, no. The shame!

We're here, the Sami village.

It's not... I wouldn't call it a village.

What is this place? What do you think?

I'm just, like, freaked out and scared.

Is that a dead reindeer?

-What's that?

-Oh, I'm really scared.

This place is not what I was anticipating at all.

-I don't know about you.

-There's a gun!

It's literally the opposite of a welcome mat.

These are trails of blood. Hello?

-Agh!

-Where? What? What? What? What are you doing?

I thought I fucking tripped in a fucking net.

-Is this rope?

-Don't...

-Why?!

-It's blood!

-Can you stop making me jump

-when I'm doing something?

-Yeah, but...

Russell, don't touch blood!

I thought it was a finger or something.

-That's not... That's quite recent.

-Yeah, it's fresh.

Why are we in an actual horror movie? I am scared of the dark.

This is scary. There's blood.

-Are you all right?

-No, I'm not. I don't like it.

-Hang on a second.

-What the fuck's going on?

If it's for wood, why is there blood on it? What's wrong?

Are you cold or are you just freaking out?

Is it cos you've got a dark phobia?

Give her a hug, man. Give her a hug.

I thought you were messing around.

I thought you were messing around.

Are you genuinely, freaked out about guns?

Just listen, listen, listen, listen.

Listen. Just... Just take a breath.

It's going to be fine. OK?

Look, it's fine.

OK?

I'm genuinely filling my pants.

I want to find out who the Sami are. I'm hitting up the internet.

-'As with cattle, this castration creates...'

-Oh, my God.

'which produce more tender cut of meat.

'Following an old tradition,

'this operation would be performed by the women.'

She is not...

That isn't real.

-Guys?

-Yeah.

-I'm actually going to show you that one.

What?

They bite the bollocks off the reindeer manually.

-That's really horrible.

-I don't really agree with that.

-Neither do I.

-I'm guessing these are people we don't want to offend

cos I want to leave here with my balls attached my body.

-Shall we go and try and meet them?

-Yeah, OK.

I'm not going in the sword house.

I can't believe that.

That's absolutely... That's horrible.

-Oh, my God.

-What the effing hell is that?

-What is it?

It's got to be... Rose, don't fucking touch it!

It could be a tiny Russian under there.

No, what is that, seriously?

It looks like the old, like, testes sacks.

-Oh, my God.

-I think it is.

-Don't touch that.

There is a solid ball in there, and I'm not even joking.

I'm in the dark with a fucking creaking door and balls.

It's every lesbian's dream.

Can we go? Can we go?

Hello?

Hello, we're from England.

Here goes nothing, guys.

Rosie, you actually standing back?

Hello.

THEY SPEAK SAMI

Oh, Russell. Russell.

-Russell?

-Russell.

HE SPEAKS SAMI

-Rosie.

-Rosie.

-Rosie?

-Hello.

-Hallo.

HE SPEAKS SAMI

I'm Rose. Nice to meet you.

HE SPEAKS SAMI

Yes, correct.

-It's lovely in here, so cosy.

-Really warm.

Oh, we're going to try some traditional stuff on?

Your saucepan's on fire.

Oh, wow! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I look like, er... Do you know who Snoop Dogg is?

Snoop Dogg?

# I'd be doing drive-by in my fur jacket. #

HE SPEAKS SAMI

Where did my arms go?

Oh, OK. OK.

# We'll take you down to the maypole

# We'll find you a husband in your virgin dress. #

Thank you. I'll hold on to my hat.

It's so funny, Rose.

You always turn into Women's Institute when you're a bit awkward.

That's fine, tiddlypop. Tickety boo, it's all tickety boo.

We look great. We look the part now.

Shall I try the phrase book? Hold on.

That's "thank you."

Ah, slightly different.

See? Have a go.

HE SPEAKS SAMI

No, no. You don't like? OK.

It's not a telephone, it's for...

We are recording our travels.

I'm not getting very far with the app.

-That's its head.

-Its tongue is hanging out.

It's got teeth in it.

In goes the jaw.

It's sort of like a sushi.

Oh!

The brain is in.

Rose, how are you doing?

-Yeah, fine.

-He doesn't mind if we don't eat it?

No, no. He says he'll make it anyway.

-He understands.

-Yeah, he understands.

Yes. Ah, good.

We've got lots of flavour. I would curry that.

Russell, are you actually going to eat it?

-Damn right.

-Are you really?

I'm starving. I'm definitely going to eat this.

-I'm going to get stuck in. Rose?

-I might try it.

-Yeah, course.

You know, he's offered us his home and his food.

I can't be like...

You know, I can't just run off and not try it.

Don't look at me with judging eyes.

-Which is...?

-The tongue? Thank you very much.

I will. Thank you. Thank you.

That tastes like...

-..liver.

-I thought...

Do you know what? It looks like the same kind of consistency as liver.

Except...nicer.

Oh, I can feel the teeth. Oh, are you supposed to pick it out?

-This is bone marrow?

-Oh, wow.

What's that?

-The eye socket?

-The eye?

Thank you.

-I can feel the teeth.

-I'm eating eye meat.

Mm. You know what it tastes like?

You know when you have a pork chop and you eat the fat?

That's what it tastes like.

Rosie, ve-gan.

-Vega?

-Vegan.

-Vegan.

Only Rosie, though. Only Rosie.

A blood pancake, he said?

No, thank you. But thanks for the offer.

I would love a blood pancake. Oh, cool.

We saw a video on the internet of the testicles being removed

from a reindeer by a Sami woman, using her mouth.

Does that still happen?

With the mouth?

Oh, my God. My balls are actually hurting.

My balls are hurting, listening to it.

-Thank you.

-Do you want to smell it? It just smells like pancakes.

No, I don't want... I don't want to smell it.

Hold on. That is delicious. I'm not even joking.

It tastes like really good pancake.

Thank you. I feel like I could wrestle reindeer now.

Do you know what?

I might just go and bite through a pair of bollocks after this.

-Yes!

-I just high-fived.

-Oh, my God.

-Fist bump!

-Fist bump!

Thank you so much.

You have been a wonderful host and the food has been delicious.

Thank you.

-Amazing.

-Oh, my God. He's so nice!

-Have you got any more Brazil nuts?

-No, I've got none. (I've got loads.)

-Bye-bye!

-Bye-bye!

Look at the lights!

Oh, my God. I've never seen them...

Put your lights down a minute.

-Whoa!

-Oh, my God.

It's like a weird rainbow. It's like a night-time rainbow.

-That is unbelievable.

-Look, it's moving.

-Wow.

-They're getting stronger.

-Oh, my God. That's so pretty.

If, heaven forbid, I lose my mind at the end of life's journey

and I'm sat in a rocking chair in a nursing home,

there is a few things I'd like to recall.

One is a hot tub party I had in Vegas once.

And the other is looking up at the aurora borealis,

-which has blown my mind.

-Look at this one.

Oh, my God. Where did that come from?

It feels like I'm in space, like, look at it.

It looks crazy. It looks like we are, like, not on Earth right now.

It's been unbelievable.

You know, you see pictures of these things on the internet

and in magazines and you think, you know,

"I've seen it. I've seen it all before."

You need to be here to witness this.

-True, yeah.

-It's spectacular.

And, honestly, I would do it all again.

Well, maybe not all of it.

Try and get a selfie.

Even if it doesn't come out, we'll know it's there, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Let's just capture the moment.

-Let's try. It might work.

-Try it, try it.

-Ready?

Yeah, the phone is a bit of a hindrance when you are trying to

get it out when you are sledding and slipping off and everything.

But the social benefit, it's amazing connecting with people back home.

It warms your soul, even when it's freezing.

So, on the whole, the phone was good.

And, in fact, we would have died without it. Dead in the snow, 100%.

I've had enough of survival.

How about we find a hotel?

And I'm talking luxury here.

I'm talking hot water, a bed and a private place to poo.