Costa Rica: Jungle Stupid Man, Smart Phone

For centuries, explorers have battled with Mother Nature.

Now, pampered comedian Russell Kane...

-It's freezing!

-..wants to join their ranks...

-I miss my mum.

-..by tackling extreme survival.

-Agh!

-With just...

-This.

-..a mobile phone?

How to find water in the desert.

I use my phone for everything. Turn the choke all the way down.

Got billions of users around the world.

The web has all the answers.

It's here on the map. That's it there.

Joined by the internet's brightest stars...

I'm the son of a Jedi!

..and their legions of followers.

Does it get difficult?

I don't think the production team

are always going to be taking it that easy on us.

Together, they'll face the worst that nature can throw at them.

Russell!

I just want to know that if we get bitten by something

we've got the antidote.

-Oh, God.

-Yeah, the team will ensure that we are safe

and that we always have internet reception.

They're accompanied by a barely helpful crew...

Please. Come on, guys.

..who will be throwing in the odd curveball.

The doors don't close.

They'll use their signal...

We've got a bag of poop.

..for survival.

Light the bag. Who said that?

Yes! Oh-ho!

I love you, internet.

This time...

Whoa!

..it's internet versus jungle...

..as Russell teams up with online singing sensation...

Literally every tree looks the same.

..Conor Maynard...

I am going to a jungle! Whoo!

-..to navigate...

-This way.

..the treacherous rainforests.

-Christ, this is horrible!

-..of Costa Rica.

I didn't sign up for this.

..and get back to their former lives.

THEY LAUGH

There's actually no way.

I just need to get out of this place now.

Godspeed, stupid man.

I can't believe we jumped in the back of a truck with a stranger.

-And he doesn't speak a word of English.

-I know. Right...

Let's fire up the map, see where we are.

All I know is we've got to go to this house up the road.

So I'm hoping there'll be someone there to give us a mission.

That's what normally happens. It could be frickin' anything.

Is that the house?

That's got to be it.

After you, Bro.

It looks all right, quite quaint.

Is there a rave going on at the back or something?

-Can you hear that?

-Definitely drums.

-There's two of them.

-Native Indian.

-Hello.

-Buenos dias.

Oh, yeah, you can do this.

Hey. Hello.

Hello.

THEY EXCHANGE GREETINGS

-Come in. Come in to my scapula.

-There we go.

We'll go round.

Habla ingles?

Que habla?

Maleku.

-Maleku. Uno momento.

-Have you got a Maleku translator on that?

I don't know, mate. I've got 7-in-1. I'm guessing Maleku's not on there.

No. Habla espanol?

Si.

Un mision para usted?

Smile.

Hold on. I think he's saying we'll become Maleku.

Do you want a filter on? I took a picture of you.

We will become...

Right, rio means river. # Rio Grande... # Rio.

-No, no, no, no.

-No?

-I've had an idea.

-Right.

That we should, to say thanks,

see if they want to stay at our hotel for a few days.

-Yes. Rio Celeste.

-Rio Celeste.

-You know it? Right.

There we are. We'll meet you there. There's a hot tub.

Girls for a massage.

He's got something else for us.

Oh, a medicinal plant.

Masticar. Masticate.

What does it do?

-Thank you. Yeah, that looks delicious.

-Yeah.

Shall we do a selfie? Look how hopeful we look at the moment.

I want to remember this.

-Hapi-kapi.

-Hapi-kapi.

I'll take one as well.

-Nice one.

-Smashed it.

-Right.

-See you later, guys.

-Adios. Kapi-kapi.

-Kapi-kapi. Whoo!

Are we ready?

I need to change my clothes.

I need to dump some stuff.

I've got too much stuff.

You move from one spot to the other and the signal goes in and out,

so it's going to be even scarier than usual.

I've got nothing!

This could be the toughest test yet of the smartphone,

and I guess we'll be down to using whatever tools we have on it.

So I can't tweet the word "help".

It's saying I'm connected.

Oh, the word "help" has gone out.

It was when I held it like that - a tiny bit of signal.

OK, so I have managed to download a few fact sheets.

I've got one on surviving in the jungle.

-Right.

-How to prepare for a trip in the jungle.

-We'll need that.

-How to eat insects.

-You smell great, by the way.

Thank you. You won't be saying that in two days.

-Now I can.

-Dangerous animals.

Spiders, jaguars are in there.

-Perfect.

-Lighting fires in damp conditions.

We've got all of those queued up, downloaded, stored,

so even if this has no signal at all, we're OK,

we still use the smartphone.

-Whoo!

-Yeah!

Phones are loaded up with loads of juicy stuff.

We've got the kit on.

We need to get in there and start surviving like Maleki.

-Maleku.

-Maleki.

This is a bit more like what I was dreading the jungle might be like.

-Yeah.

-It's absolutely soaking wet.

I feel like every twig is a potential snake.

But we've got to survive out here, man.

We need to get down to that river,

wind our way slowly back through the worst of it,

end up back at the hotel, high five, exchange words with the Maleku.

-Mission complete.

-Sick.

Everything is alive here.

There's a real ominous feeling

that I'm definitely going to be bitten soon.

Be careful, man. We're in, like, snake city.

Just anything could be a snake, in my mind.

Oh! Jesus!

-Agh!

-It's alive.

Conor is so wet he's using his climbing helmet as an umbrella.

I just feel really wet and miserable and I hate it.

-There you go.

-British, in other words.

Agh! There's more bugs than Stalin...

Russia. Agh!

What are they?

Mozzies, of course! What d'you think they are?

I've definitely got something on my phone.

Oh, the frequency app?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's apparently, like, random frequencies.

These frequencies here -

12 kilohertz, 14 kilohertz, 16 kilohertz and 20 kilohertz.

Anti-mosquito frequencies.

Good. I've got a bite under my eye.

Oh, it's anti-human.

-Put that near your ear then.

-Yeah, it hurts.

20? It's the highest you can go.

Try it. It won't work on the old mosquitoes.

-No.

-I can hear it. I'm going to suck blood anyway.

I don't think that mosquito thing worked

because, as you were on 20 kilohertz,

one of them actually went...

He's like a Cockney one. "Do you think that stops me coming in?

"I'll fight you even more, mate."

-It's drawing it in.

-It's drawing the bugs in.

The hertz are definitely drawing the bugs in.

Was that actually a mosquito?

The mosquito's like a really small, tiny fly.

-What did you think it was?

-I thought they were like... This is so embarrassing.

I've always believed...

I thought they were the same shape and size as, like, a dragonfly.

-What?

-I thought they were big.

-Do you know what?

I thought everything here was trying to kill us.

Some stuff wants to move in.

-Do you know what a botfly is?

-Never heard of it.

Check this. Human botflies are mainly found

in Central and South America.

Hello - that's where we are. The young female botfly lays eggs.

They're going to go for you first - you get all the female attention.

-That's true.

-The larvae penetrate through the skin

and live in the subdermal zones of the skin for more than 60 days.

The patients feel the movement of the larvae beneath the skin.

Once the larvae develops and gets complete, it leaves out of the body.

What?

That looks like a pig snout.

How much does that look like a pig...?

Botfly larvae secreting waste.

-No way!

-So they seal the wound

and, when you open it, they come out for air.

Agh!

MAN SCREAMS ON PHONE

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

-That is rank.

-OK. I don't feel safe here any more.

Dude, let's get out of here. I am seriously creeped out.

I was hungry. Now I'm not.

Careful - vines. Loads of trippy vines.

It's a bit full-on here. Be careful.

Conor, I really want to see a parrot while I'm here.

So I'm trying to play the call to see if we can attract them.

This is the mating call - I'm playing it near your head.

I don't want a parrot to mate with my head.

This is mental. That's the call in flight

and this is the call when they're sat down.

That's a proper traditional parrot noise.

I'd love to see a parrot.

The only one I know how to do is a pigeon.

-CONOR COOS

-I don't know how many pigeons are in the jungle.

That would be just be our luck to see a pigeon.

Imagine if we saw a pigeon - or a seagull.

Where are we?

-Literally every tree looks the same.

-That's my fault for farting around.

-Are we going in circles?

-I'm not sure which way is east and west.

-Hold on.

-I've definitely seen that tree before.

-One second, I have answers.

-Wait, no, that's different.

I don't need a signal to confirm we are definitely lost, so...

Phone's still working, in a way.

It's this way, northwards. Sorry, dude. My fault, my fault, my fault.

We've been going south-east the entire time?

Not for long - only since I've been playing with that bird app,

to be honest!

Get the maps app, Conor, check we're heading in the right direction.

By my calculations on this phone, the river is over there.

This way.

-Oh, my God!

-What the...?

Holy shit, it's massive.

It's massive. This is a sheer drop.

This looks genuinely terrifying.

We have to get down to the river.

Not sure I can even do this.

Didn't you cue up, just in case, something about...?

-I had a video.

-Right, wicked.

'You want to put your feet...'

This is what not to do.

-'Agh!

-Yeah, you need to move your feet.'

-Oh, my God.

-It's meant to be funny, but it's just scary.

That's what my legs did when I injured them.

'Stop laughing!'

"Stop laughing, you could die."

'This isn't funny.'

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God!

She's falling down a cliff...

This is like that scene in the Lion King, when Mufasa just falls.

This is no help at all. Oh!

-She's gone!

-Turn it off!

-Did you get anything else?

-No.

Oh, great(!)

Oh, my God, look at this drop.

Are you ready for this?

Yeah, man, just like... You know, it's just one of those things.

Just be careful. Oh, my God, that is a long way down.

Oh, God. That is a rushing waterfall of doom.

Wait till you look over the edge.

-I'm not looking over the edge.

-It's not like it's even straight.

It's literally like that video we watched.

-Oh, no!

-The fail video. We could go under a rock...

What are we doing?!

I mean, the smartphone has not helped us at all.

It's put fear in me.

Every part of my instinct is not to throw myself off a cliff.

Conor, please don't be too good at it.

Oh, my God.

There might be some falling debris, and it's not going to be rock.

You look great from down here, though.

Huh...! Jesus...! Nearly broke my fricking wrist already.

This is not what I signed up for.

-This is the difficult bit.

-I didn't sign up for this.

Agh... Oh, my God.

This is such a crap hobby, why would anyone do it?

Oh, shit! Oh, my God, there's still loads to go.

Mate, the next bit is the hardest bit so far.

What do you mean? It's all been the hardest bit so far.

Conor, stop being so good at it!

Oh, shitting shit.

-Go on, Russell.

-I'm trying.

Oh, God. Oh, crap.

Crapitty-crap-crap. Whoo!

You nailed it.

That was horrible. Absolutely horrible.

I fell. Three times, I fell.

Whereas I'm here, like, "Let's do that again!"

My God, look how blue the river is!

-It's amazing. It looks so good.

-It looks like Powerade.

I'm going to do a quick video diary.

Myself and Conor, we've made it.

We abseiled down a very steep ledge.

We're stood on the rock now,

with our last little patch of light coming down on us.

I'm just hoping we can find a solution

to food and accommodation before the sun sets completely,

because I do not want to be walking around here in the dark.

-It is very dangerous.

-Yeah.

Right, we're off.

Let's go.

-Are you tired? I am so tired.

-Do you want to do some of that leaf stuff?

Do some of that leaf stuff?

-Don't you remember?

-Oh, the stuff the Maleku gave us?

I thought you meant you had... Go on, then.

This - remember?

Ready?

Love techno.

Do you really...? Something about techno.

THEY GIGGLE

-That's the most bitter thing I've ever tasted in my life.

-Mm...mm...

They're horrible!

HE GAGS

It's getting worse.

Aghhh!

Agh! That is literally what I imagine shit tastes like.

-That's horrible.

-Let's make a move.

Those Malekus are bad arses.

They chew that...for fun.

I wonder what they're doing right now?

They're in a hotel room with the widescreen on.

-Kapi-kapi.

-Kapi-kapi.

Dude, I'm hungry. I'll try anything at the moment.

I'm actually starving. Literally, the next thing is food, right?

That's the next thing. Did you download something?

-Yeah.

-Download Jungle Fodder, and Bush Tucker and all of that.

Perfect.

'So I wanted to show you a quick clip on how to essentially eat bugs.

'These grasshoppers are a complete food, guys.

'I mean, you can literally survive on these things...'

We've got to catch some grasshoppers first.

'Take the grasshoppers.

'Remember to remove the legs and the wings, especially...'

Legs and wings. Legs and wings have to come off.

Definitely, especially the back legs.

'Got my grasshoppers, they're ready to cook.

'I'm going to just go ahead and set them over the flame.'

'Anything that we cook out here in a survival situation

'needs to be well cooked, or you can get tapeworms,

'you can get all kinds of things.

'This is a cicada, and then I've got a normal grasshopper right here.

'And...

'They just have just kind of a normal flavour.

'Well, I say normal...'

Well, I keep moaning that I want protein.

You know what I'm thinking? There's billions of insects, protein source,

hopping around all over the place.

It could be the future of the human race, to eat these things.

Even if we could just catch a grasshopper, just one...

-We'll share it.

-Did that just move, there?

Oh, yeah. It just jumped - there it is, look.

-Grab it, dude.

-We have a very, very faint signal here.

I'm going to quickly search - "Are grasshoppers attracted to light?"

Because our head torches might be what's attracting them.

It's a grasshopper party up there!

Right, so, apparently, most insects are attracted to light,

including grasshoppers, so I'm just going to get the torch on this.

Want the T-shirt to grab them all afterwards?

Well, I thought, because it's a white T-shirt...

-Oh, my God, there's one on there.

-What's that?

Yeah, this is working. The food is jumping towards us.

This is the easiest animal trapping, just shining a light at a T-shirt.

-Oh, a grasshopper! Yes!

-Oh, my God, look at the size of that thing!

We've got one massive one, fold it over in the trap cloth.

-There's one.

-There's another one. There's a grasshopper.

-Come on.

There's a big one. Is the big one still in there?

I don't know! I don't want to touch anything.

I've got an idea. How about we put them

-in the waterproof case from the phones?

-OK.

Just be careful, dude.

Not everything is what it seems.

It's still in there, big bastard's in there.

-No, no, dude, you're going to lose him!

-Oh, oh!

Oh, we lost it.

That's the one we lost, that's literally the one we lost.

Who's going to grab it?

I don't know if I've got the balls to do this.

-Rock, paper, scissors.

-One, two, three...

Rock, paper, scissors.

-Ahh!

-Rock, paper, scissors.

-Ahh!

-You're cheating.

I'm not cheating!

THEY LAUGH

That's the way to do it - the Leaf System 5000.

-Go, go, go!

-Yes! Boom!

Oh, that is one ugly dinner.

-Is that its face?

-And it's still happy.

Oh, my God, Conor, there's something massive on your back!

Get the bag open.

Please, don't...

I'm not joking, I'm not joking.

Get in. Get in, you...!

Agh!

THEY SCREAM AND LAUGH

Punched me in the face! It punched me in the fucking face!

Oh, my God, what is that?

-What is that?

-What is that?

-That's a walking leaf.

Oh, what a pair of pussies.

Please, let me grow just one testicle, just one.

Don't you understand - I hate this shit,

that's why they gave me the job.

Are we genuinely going to eat the giant cockroach?

How clever is it, the wily little bastard?

Right. I have it in here.

For God's sake... Wait, wait, wait.

Open it, open it!

-Quick!

-I'm trying, I'm genuinely trying.

-Go, go, go, go!

-Is it in?

-Yes.

All right, that's enough. We've got a starter, main course,

and the cockroach for dessert.

Oh, my God, what is that ant?

-Shit, what is that?

-Jesus Christ. Look at the size of that.

That is like a giant ant.

Google it.

It's a bullet ant, I've identified it from Google.

Look. "Paraponera clavata is a species of ant,

"commonly known as the bullet ant."

There he is. He's there, he's there.

There, right under my light.

Oh, yeah. That's him.

-Right, listen...

-Why's he trying to steal our grasshoppers?

"Named on account of its powerful and potent sting due to its venom.

"It inhabits humid low land..." Hello! "..in South America.

They're really dangerous.

Powerful and potent poison.

That is it, look. That's him.

"It rates above tarantulas, wasps, and equals being shot."

-What about a shark?

-Dude, it equals being shot.

And we're having mild banter over it with a torch.

Oh, my God, that'll put you in hospital, dude.

-The internet literally just saved our lives.

-Yeah, just saved us.

That could even be worthy of an Instagram, as well.

I love how we've completely forgotten about the grasshopper

-and all we care about is...

-That changed into a big drama.

It honestly did. Holy shit...!

-Are you winding me up?

-I'm only joking.

Dude, you shouldn't do shit like that!

You shouldn't do it. That's the fucking strength of a bullet.

That's not funny.

I'm not going to lie -

as much as I genuinely don't want to touch these rhino crickets,

I am actually starving.

What are we going to have to do now?

Make a fire. That should be fun. Come on.

We have to get a fire going tonight, man.

Or we're not going to cook our delicious crickets.

What you got on the phone? Any videos cued up?

Let's have a look.

'They were going to be just doing a quick demo on how to start a fire

'with just some simple hand sanitiser.'

We've got that. Let's try it.

'What you do, about a quarter-sized blob, like this.

'So, let's see if we can get this to go.'

Have you ever used a ferro knife before?

-No.

-Right, so, we used these before.

You just create bare sparks, innit?

It's 62% alcohol...

Whoa! It's lit!

Shut up! Have you got some leaves?

-Scrunched-up ones.

-It's kind of weird when shit actually works.

It's time to start thinking about roasting some crickets.

I feel like, of all the things on my bucket list, to do in my life,

this was just nowhere near it.

-This is not on it.

-This is, like, the bottom.

Oh, you're so lucky you got the big one.

More protein for Conor.

We're going to spear it while it's on the floor.

Did you hear the crunch? Oh, my God!

I like my crickets well done.

OK, now, the piece de resistance.

-Oh, my God!

-D'you think that one's cooking?

This is the last thing I would ever put on my rider.

This one is, like, definitely finished.

Cockroach still slightly moving, now and again.

I mean, they are hard bastards, aren't they?

Shall I take its wings off?

Oh, my God!

I think this is the bit you literally eat.

Right. OK...

I'm going in.

Ugh!

It tastes like pork. I wasn't expecting that.

Pork, of all things.

I think it tastes like shrimp. Similar to shrimp.

Half shrimp, half pork.

-What about the cockroach?

-It's going to be a different journey.

-Are we actually going to try it?

-We certainly are, my man.

-Name's Roach. Cock Roach.

-God.

Right, so, after a night

of being out here in the jungle in Costa Rica, catching...

Well, catching/running away from insects all around the floor,

we've finally put together a fire and ate a bunch of...

What are they called? Rhino crickets?

-Rhino crickets.

-Rhino crickets.

And the piece de la resistance...

piece de la resistance, is...

-An actual cockroach.

-A giant cockroach...

-On a stick.

-..that we... Well, I say WE captured.

-Did we capture it? I held the bag.

-We captured it together, bro.

Yeah, we did it together. It was a team effort.

-That's why we are going to eat it together.

-And...

Yeah!

Winging it.

-Eugh...

-Eat.

This is the bleakest moment of my whole career.

How are you going to split it in half?

-I don't know, dude!

-Did you bring a knife?

-Are we going to bother with cutlery now?

-A little incision!

I tell you what...

..you can just have a little taster.

-Ready?

-I've got just like the crunchy bit, like a potato skin.

I can feel the tapeworm going in, I can feel it.

-That one just... That one doesn't taste normal.

-That's not good.

-LAUGHING:

-I can't do that!

Right, I need some rest. I've got to...

We have to get some sleep or we're not going to be able to deal with

whatever challenges the jungle throws at us tomorrow.

-Let's do this.

-Let's do it.

All I can taste is that fishy cockroach taste.

-Can you taste it?

-Disgusting.

It's rank, isn't it?

GENTLE FLUTE MELODY

HE SPEAKS MALEKU

The beginning of day two.

Literally just woke up.

Let me tell you, sleeping in a tent

in the middle of the chorus

that we slept in last night is no cop out.

No pillow, which I kind of was a little bit upset about -

the standard object that you'd find in a bed, but we didn't get that.

The rhino crickets and the cockroach we had for dinner

were strangely satisfying in the sense that...

they take your appetite away completely for quite a long time!

I feel a bit more tired today than I was yesterday,

so we will see what effect that has on me.

Hopefully, I don't scream at Russell, so...

How weird is that?!

I can't believe that's an insect, it looks fully like a leaf.

Amazing! I wonder what it tastes like?

All I want to do now is eat everything when I see it.

Looks like it would FEEL like a leaf.

Yeah, it does, it has the texture of a leaf.

Urgh!

Hey, Leafy.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Did you hear a couple of rhino crickets

were hanging around here last night?

Joey and Benny. Great couple of guys.

Didn't come back last night.

Don't know if any of your team saw anything?

Um...

Maybe.

Morning, mate. How was your sleep last night?

-Mine was pretty broken.

-Mine was awful.

I think I must have woken up about four times.

I can't sleep on my side. I've got no pillow,

which I was whingeing about, but I have found this online.

In our basic emergency provisions bag, I know we have some of these.

We are going to look at about 20 different ways

to use condoms in a survival situation.

Electronics are very susceptible to the elements,

so if you are packing something,

you want to take your condom, place it around...

-That's a good idea.

-..and I'm sure it will still receive a signal.

If you really get desperate, it could be used as a pillow.

Oh, right.

-OK, maybe not.

-So it can't be used as a pillow?

Inflated, they can be used as a signalling device.

Over here! We are in trouble!

You would not go towards him, would you?

And they can make an improvised balloon for kids.

Imagine giving that to kids!

Play with a condom. See you on a register.

Be strong, be of good courage.

God bless America.

Long live the Republic.

Wow.

I wonder who he is going to vote for in the election(?)

Right... Not all knowledge on the internet is great.

I've been surprised by how much the internet has helped us on this trip,

how much information is out there, how quickly you can get it,

as opposed to just having to, like, search for it yourself.

-You couldn't have done this ten years ago.

-No.

Not with a Lonely Planet and an insect book, but in ten years,

when there is superfast whatever it's going to be called,

the Zuckerberg network, over the whole planet,

then I think you'll be OK.

There will be ultraviolet apps, there will be...

But will that take away the whole aspect

-of being in the middle of nowhere?

-This is the problem.

By answering all the questions, do we then kill off mystery?

-That is profound! Wow!

-I feel like we should take a selfie.

Shall I be in the background, like a pinhead? It's quite funny, look.

Yeah.

Nailed it.

I love a pinhead in the background picture.

Mate, according to our map, it's saying it's only like a small hike.

Just got to keep heading through the jungle.

I am soaked through, through to my pants. Every part of me is wet.

May need to get a waterproof cover on the phone,

or we won't have a phone.

-Shall we try the condoms?

-Let's do it.

Why have you got them creepily handy all the time?

You told me to make sure that I have them at all times!

This is the weirdest thing I've ever done.

You are a pro at this.

Oh, it's ribbed. Is it ribbed?

Oh, it's not ribbed! Who bought ribbed?!

The phone is getting so much pleasure now!

That's made the phone totally safe to put up my arse now.

We have to make this waterproof, because without this...

We don't like unsafe sexting.

Now we can sext with protection.

We have one waterproof phone. How clever.

This really is the third tribesman,

the one with the knowledge. Without this, we're going down hard.

-Shall we press on?

-Let's do it.

Ugh, went down my back! Argh!

It's like every experience is unpleasant.

Can't we do something that's fun?

I wonder what those Malekus are doing right now?

Just think of all of the Maleku that have walked this path.

I can hear the river in both directions.

This way.

-Is this safe?

-Oh, my God!

-Whoa!

-I can see the river.

Yes! Thank you, maps!

Thank you, internet! I can see the river.

That looks dangerous.

Ohh...!

-God...

-This is more slippery than David Cameron's forehead.

Look at the - there is no other word for it - skid mark. Oh!

Oh, crikey.

Crikey!

Grab onto the vine, quick. Remember, from the abseiling, yesterday.

We are using yesterday's knowledge to survive today.

That is what it's about, dude. Learn and adapt.

No bum-sliding for us.

Oh, yes! It is going to ping back on us.

Stand clear.

We just came down a slope that most other people would have bum-slid on,

but because of yesterday's knowledge, we abseiled using a vine.

-We are bad-arse.

-We are literally owning the jungle.

I wouldn't be surprised if I start speaking Maleku in a minute.

Choppy-choppy!

Oh, my God. Look at the colour of it!

It's like melted Smurf! Look at it!

Wow!

Why is it so blue?

Have you ever seen anything that colour before?

That's like water on steroids.

It's like a Maldives holiday brochure, but more violent.

We've still got to get across it, though.

I honestly don't know how we are going to do that bit.

-No.

-Can you see what we can see?

-I ain't going across that!

-I think we may just have found a way across.

Surely not, surely not.

There is absolutely no way.

There is no way we are going across that.

You're in trainers, I'm in wellington boots.

There will be people screaming at the television at this point.

I genuinely can't believe we're doing this.

We are just sort of brokenly doing it to get back to the hotel.

The Malekus can have our lives!

I can't believe we're going on this thing.

Whoa!

Aargh! This is actually scary!

It looks a lot further now you are here.

It looks like another city, the distance we've got to travel.

-Terrifying.

-So slippy.

This was not on the Google map at all. This was not on the maps.

That blue water is not beautiful any more.

Whoa...!

Careful, man.

This bit doesn't look very good fun.

-This is bad news.

-How are you doing, Russ?

Ahh...!

OK... OK!

Wasn't too bad.

I nearly slipped, right in the middle.

Wow. That was a rush!

We cleared that.

That was quite sick.

Now is the time to start thinking about food.

-Dude, that's a heart of palm, that one there.

-That tree?

Yeah, look. From the wikiHow page - heart of palm, you can eat them.

-That's literally it.

-There was no scale, so I didn't know

-they were that big.

-How do you eat it?

-Chop the whole thing down.

I'm going to check if we can eat it raw on Twitter.

I know you can eat it cooked - I've had it in restaurants.

Can you eat it raw?

Here we are. Sharon Forbes says...

Name-drop!

Oh, look, I've got something here. Check this out.

-MAN:

-Heart of palm basically is the germinal centre of a palm tree,

and it's the green area.

At the centre of that green area is a white cone...

It's the white cone of stuff in the middle.

Mainly, what you're looking for

is the green germinal centre at the top of the tree.

The green germinal centre at the top of the tree - it's up there.

He is eating it raw as well.

Dude, I can't wait to try that!

It is like a cross between a Cheesestring and...

-And celery.

-Yeah, Cheesestring and leaves.

-Cheesestring!

-Awesome.

We have a job ahead of us, but it's going to be worth it

-to have an authentic jungle snack.

-Let's do it.

Yes, we get to use our knives!

Stand clear!

My God, I've turned into such a wuss.

I feel bad about hurting the tree! Sorry!

It looks a little bit shaky.

Do you want a go? Do not chop with your limb in the way.

Yeah, yeah, do that. Do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-Yeah, d'you like that, yeah?

Action shot. Little video.

-I feel like it's going to go.

-It's going to go.

Right, it's going to go that way.

Turn your 3-D off!

-Yeah!

-Whoo!

That's what happens when you mess with the Jungle Crew!

Dude, we just chopped a tree down with a fricking machete.

-Beautiful.

-That is badass!

-Dude!

-Unbelievably, dinner is locked in there somewhere.

Yeah, that looks good.

Dinner!

Right.

-I reckon about here.

-That looks soft.

-Done.

-There it is, the good stuff!

That's what Papa Bear needs - some honey for his cave.

There's honey in there. Mm!

We have to now split it, like they did in the video.

-Then, if you like, you can have a peeling session.

-Let's do it.

-Yeah, go on, then, man.

-Let's do it.

-Whoa!

-I'm so hungry, I can't wait.

Shit - we chopped down a whole tree for that?!

I feel out of order.

It's like killing a chicken and eating the beak.

Oh, hello, that looks like it.

-There we go. That's it.

-Is that the heart of the palm?

-It looks... Yeah, it looks like...

-Just get stuck in.

How would you describe it?

-Lovely.

-It's like raw mushroom.

-It's absolutely disgusting.

-Do you not like it?

Dude! We haven't eaten for days!

I don't like it at all. That's disgusting. So grim!

Cockroach for your dinner tonight, then.

This is the stuff they sell in tins.

CONOR GAGS, RUSSELL LAUGHS

No, I really don't like it.

I don't know why. My mouth just doesn't agree with the taste of it.

I'm sorry, we should have checked before we ordered.

You got anything else?

That is... I can't swallow it.

I can't do it.

I'm going to have a nibble on that while we go exploring.

-It's all yours, buddy.

-This is hard-core Maleku.

WATER RUSHES

I recognise that sound.

An angry river.

Maybe you can go first this time, you know.

I went first with the abseiling.

This looks really dangerous.

Come on, man, we can't put it off any longer,

-as terrifying as it is.

-Let's do it.

We have to find a place to cross it up there, OK?

Right, OK.

That's all that standing between us and getting back up to that hotel

-and finishing this thing.

-Yeah.

We've got to do it, man. I hate this river.

How can something so beautiful be so vile?

I just need to get out of this place now.

I feel like this is where the jungle could, like,

-seriously bitch-slap us.

-Yeah, we could get slayed here.

I don't think I ever even passed my level-two breaststroke either.

-I think I did five lengths, max...

-I'm dreading this.

..then I thought, "I don't want to be a swimmer."

Bear Grylls always says rivers are the highway of the jungle.

Well, I'm sick of being clamped. Let's move.

-Do you want to go first?

-No, you go first, mate.

No rock, paper, scissors here. There's just rock everywhere!

Oh, my God, it's freezing!

I'm shaking.

It's really strong, the current is really strong.

It's really dangerous, isn't it?

There is a bit of rock, you can sort of fall down in between here.

That's not safe. It's like a gap between two rocks.

Come this way, come this way.

-Shitting shit, that's deep, there.

-Whoa!

We're going to have to swim this bit.

Careful, man. You have to come in here.

Grab that.

-Are you going to go for it?

-Dude, there is no way out of this now.

Ready?

-Oh, my God!

-Whoa!

Just a little water, Conor.

Come on, Conor, this way.

Unbelievable! That was so powerful.

Oh...!

That was bad.

Oh, my God, I got washed so badly.

Oh, Jesus...

-That was scary. How scared were you there?

-Mate...

-When we jumped out on that bit...

-Yeah.

..I felt like I had no control.

-It's the rocks.

-Either I'm going to hit something and luckily stop,

or I am going to carry on going with the river.

It's only 15 minutes, tops, from here,

-now that we have crossed the river.

-Let's get there.

All we have to do is walk, soaked through.

What's uncomfortable about that(?)

-It's getting dark, man.

-We need to get back.

Can't tell you what it feels like to be this soaked through,

walking in a humid jungle. It is not a pleasant feeling.

I feel like I've pooed myself. It's a horrible feeling.

I am getting major chafing right now.

I have got a degree of chafing.

Oh...!

Do you reckon the Malekus have enjoyed being us?

Yeah. I can't wait to be us.

I'm so tired.

We are in the hotel grounds.

Feels like civilisation.

Can't believe we have got, like, an Indiana Jones Bridge.

Dude, hold on. This would be a crap place to die.

It's actually really scary.

I'm still scared!

I might even be scared in my hotel room.

Oh, my God, how is that safe?! How?!

Nailed it.

Nailed it!

-This is it, man.

-Look!

-No!

-That is a proper path.

That wasn't even a path, that was just stones.

This is, like, crazy paving from the '80s.

Now we have got to find the Maleku.

-Uh...

-Shit, man. I'm really suddenly self-conscious

about what we're wearing.

I hope we don't see any of the other guests.

Which way?

I still need the compass, this is pathetic!

Ah... See, this is the type of jungle I like.

What is going on? Where is everyone?

They're not even going to serve us at the hotel bar.

What if there has been an apocalypse while we were out there,

-and everyone's dead?

-Do you know what?

And the only people that are left are the Maleku.

I'd still serve myself a beer.

Then I would call home and check if everyone was OK.

I would still have a beer first. Is that bad?

I'd be right there with you.

Oh, a swimming pool!

Look at the Jacuzzi. Look at the Jacuzzi.

They're in the Jacuzzi!

Oh, my God!

-Hapi-kapi.

-Hapi-kapi.

-Hapi-kapi.

Oh, man! You look like you are enjoying yourselves.

Oh, they are very happy.

-Shall we come in?

-Can I come in in my jungle gear?

-Oh...!

-Oh, man.

Oh, my goodness.

-Well, guys...

-Being Maleku is exhausting.

We had cockroach and grasshopper.

Si.

We loved it. We finished all of them.

'I ate the bugs, I camped in the bush,'

it is not something I would choose to repeat,

but it was pretty bad-arse.

Are we Maleku now?

8%. 'I really enjoyed'

the cultural exchange, when you don't have language.

-ALL:

-# Maleku, Maleku... #

-Kapi-kapi.

-Kapi-kapi.

Do we have any idea if they are naked right now?

'This is the last thing I would ever choose to do.

'I think, to get so messy, so wet, and just'

have everything against you the entire time,

I would never have chosen it,

'but I really did enjoy it and I really had loads and loads of fun.'

'Conor was amazing on this trip,

'but he was rubbish, like me, in every department.'

We are pampered little city boys who like taking selfies,

hanging out on the internet and having a job based on

poncing around on stage. I don't want to change it.

Stupid Man, Smart Phone.

I'd just like to say we only picked the title cos it sounds funny.

I would declare the smartphone won.

'I think people will be surprised how well we did.'

Can we do...una selfie?

-Squeeze in.

-Look at my hair!

-Oh, God.

-Kapi-kapi.

-Kapi-kapi.

Video. OK. We have come to the end of our mission.

These are our friends. Say kapi-kapi.

-Kapi-kapi.

-This is Conor. Say, "Hello, I'm from Brighton."

Hello, I'm from Brighton.

And it's been amazing,

we've survived in the rainforest jungle

only using a phone, and it's over now.

I'd like to say I'm sad, but I'm not.

That's the end. Goodbye.

-Bye!

-Adios, adios!