Costa Rica: Jungle Stupid Man, Smart Phone


Costa Rica: Jungle

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For centuries, explorers have battled with Mother Nature.

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Now, pampered comedian Russell Kane...

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-It's freezing!

-..wants to join their ranks...

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-I miss my mum.

-..by tackling extreme survival.

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-Agh!

-With just...

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-This.

-..a mobile phone?

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How to find water in the desert.

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I use my phone for everything. Turn the choke all the way down.

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Got billions of users around the world.

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The web has all the answers.

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It's here on the map. That's it there.

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Joined by the internet's brightest stars...

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I'm the son of a Jedi!

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..and their legions of followers.

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Does it get difficult?

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I don't think the production team

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are always going to be taking it that easy on us.

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Together, they'll face the worst that nature can throw at them.

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Russell!

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I just want to know that if we get bitten by something

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we've got the antidote.

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-Oh, God.

-Yeah, the team will ensure that we are safe

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and that we always have internet reception.

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They're accompanied by a barely helpful crew...

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Please. Come on, guys.

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..who will be throwing in the odd curveball.

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The doors don't close.

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They'll use their signal...

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We've got a bag of poop.

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..for survival.

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Light the bag. Who said that?

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Yes! Oh-ho!

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I love you, internet.

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This time...

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Whoa!

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..it's internet versus jungle...

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..as Russell teams up with online singing sensation...

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Literally every tree looks the same.

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..Conor Maynard...

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I am going to a jungle! Whoo!

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-..to navigate...

-This way.

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..the treacherous rainforests.

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-Christ, this is horrible!

-..of Costa Rica.

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I didn't sign up for this.

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..and get back to their former lives.

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THEY LAUGH

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There's actually no way.

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I just need to get out of this place now.

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Godspeed, stupid man.

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I can't believe we jumped in the back of a truck with a stranger.

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-And he doesn't speak a word of English.

-I know. Right...

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Let's fire up the map, see where we are.

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All I know is we've got to go to this house up the road.

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So I'm hoping there'll be someone there to give us a mission.

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That's what normally happens. It could be frickin' anything.

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Is that the house?

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That's got to be it.

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After you, Bro.

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It looks all right, quite quaint.

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Is there a rave going on at the back or something?

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-Can you hear that?

-Definitely drums.

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-There's two of them.

-Native Indian.

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-Hello.

-Buenos dias.

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Oh, yeah, you can do this.

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Hey. Hello.

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Hello.

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THEY EXCHANGE GREETINGS

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-Come in. Come in to my scapula.

-There we go.

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We'll go round.

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Habla ingles?

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Que habla?

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Maleku.

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-Maleku. Uno momento.

-Have you got a Maleku translator on that?

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I don't know, mate. I've got 7-in-1. I'm guessing Maleku's not on there.

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No. Habla espanol?

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Si.

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Un mision para usted?

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Smile.

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Hold on. I think he's saying we'll become Maleku.

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Do you want a filter on? I took a picture of you.

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We will become...

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Right, rio means river. # Rio Grande... # Rio.

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-No, no, no, no.

-No?

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-I've had an idea.

-Right.

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That we should, to say thanks,

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see if they want to stay at our hotel for a few days.

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-Yes. Rio Celeste.

-Rio Celeste.

-You know it? Right.

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There we are. We'll meet you there. There's a hot tub.

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Girls for a massage.

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He's got something else for us.

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Oh, a medicinal plant.

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Masticar. Masticate.

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What does it do?

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-Thank you. Yeah, that looks delicious.

-Yeah.

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Shall we do a selfie? Look how hopeful we look at the moment.

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I want to remember this.

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-Hapi-kapi.

-Hapi-kapi.

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I'll take one as well.

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-Nice one.

-Smashed it.

-Right.

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-See you later, guys.

-Adios. Kapi-kapi.

-Kapi-kapi. Whoo!

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Are we ready?

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I need to change my clothes.

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I need to dump some stuff.

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I've got too much stuff.

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You move from one spot to the other and the signal goes in and out,

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so it's going to be even scarier than usual.

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I've got nothing!

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This could be the toughest test yet of the smartphone,

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and I guess we'll be down to using whatever tools we have on it.

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So I can't tweet the word "help".

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It's saying I'm connected.

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Oh, the word "help" has gone out.

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It was when I held it like that - a tiny bit of signal.

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OK, so I have managed to download a few fact sheets.

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I've got one on surviving in the jungle.

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-Right.

-How to prepare for a trip in the jungle.

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-We'll need that.

-How to eat insects.

-You smell great, by the way.

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Thank you. You won't be saying that in two days.

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-Now I can.

-Dangerous animals.

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Spiders, jaguars are in there.

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-Perfect.

-Lighting fires in damp conditions.

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We've got all of those queued up, downloaded, stored,

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so even if this has no signal at all, we're OK,

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we still use the smartphone.

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-Whoo!

-Yeah!

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Phones are loaded up with loads of juicy stuff.

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We've got the kit on.

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We need to get in there and start surviving like Maleki.

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-Maleku.

-Maleki.

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This is a bit more like what I was dreading the jungle might be like.

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-Yeah.

-It's absolutely soaking wet.

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I feel like every twig is a potential snake.

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But we've got to survive out here, man.

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We need to get down to that river,

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wind our way slowly back through the worst of it,

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end up back at the hotel, high five, exchange words with the Maleku.

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-Mission complete.

-Sick.

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Everything is alive here.

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There's a real ominous feeling

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that I'm definitely going to be bitten soon.

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Be careful, man. We're in, like, snake city.

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Just anything could be a snake, in my mind.

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Oh! Jesus!

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-Agh!

-It's alive.

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Conor is so wet he's using his climbing helmet as an umbrella.

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I just feel really wet and miserable and I hate it.

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-There you go.

-British, in other words.

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Agh! There's more bugs than Stalin...

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Russia. Agh!

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What are they?

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Mozzies, of course! What d'you think they are?

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I've definitely got something on my phone.

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Oh, the frequency app?

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Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's apparently, like, random frequencies.

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These frequencies here -

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12 kilohertz, 14 kilohertz, 16 kilohertz and 20 kilohertz.

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Anti-mosquito frequencies.

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Good. I've got a bite under my eye.

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Oh, it's anti-human.

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-Put that near your ear then.

-Yeah, it hurts.

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20? It's the highest you can go.

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Try it. It won't work on the old mosquitoes.

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-No.

-I can hear it. I'm going to suck blood anyway.

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I don't think that mosquito thing worked

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because, as you were on 20 kilohertz,

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one of them actually went...

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He's like a Cockney one. "Do you think that stops me coming in?

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"I'll fight you even more, mate."

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-It's drawing it in.

-It's drawing the bugs in.

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The hertz are definitely drawing the bugs in.

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Was that actually a mosquito?

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The mosquito's like a really small, tiny fly.

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-What did you think it was?

-I thought they were like... This is so embarrassing.

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I've always believed...

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I thought they were the same shape and size as, like, a dragonfly.

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-What?

-I thought they were big.

-Do you know what?

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I thought everything here was trying to kill us.

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Some stuff wants to move in.

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-Do you know what a botfly is?

-Never heard of it.

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Check this. Human botflies are mainly found

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in Central and South America.

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Hello - that's where we are. The young female botfly lays eggs.

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They're going to go for you first - you get all the female attention.

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-That's true.

-The larvae penetrate through the skin

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and live in the subdermal zones of the skin for more than 60 days.

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The patients feel the movement of the larvae beneath the skin.

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Once the larvae develops and gets complete, it leaves out of the body.

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What?

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That looks like a pig snout.

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How much does that look like a pig...?

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Botfly larvae secreting waste.

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-No way!

-So they seal the wound

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and, when you open it, they come out for air.

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Agh!

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MAN SCREAMS ON PHONE

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Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

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-That is rank.

-OK. I don't feel safe here any more.

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Dude, let's get out of here. I am seriously creeped out.

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I was hungry. Now I'm not.

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Careful - vines. Loads of trippy vines.

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It's a bit full-on here. Be careful.

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Conor, I really want to see a parrot while I'm here.

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So I'm trying to play the call to see if we can attract them.

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This is the mating call - I'm playing it near your head.

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I don't want a parrot to mate with my head.

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This is mental. That's the call in flight

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and this is the call when they're sat down.

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That's a proper traditional parrot noise.

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I'd love to see a parrot.

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The only one I know how to do is a pigeon.

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-CONOR COOS

-I don't know how many pigeons are in the jungle.

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That would be just be our luck to see a pigeon.

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Imagine if we saw a pigeon - or a seagull.

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Where are we?

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-Literally every tree looks the same.

-That's my fault for farting around.

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-Are we going in circles?

-I'm not sure which way is east and west.

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-Hold on.

-I've definitely seen that tree before.

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-One second, I have answers.

-Wait, no, that's different.

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I don't need a signal to confirm we are definitely lost, so...

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Phone's still working, in a way.

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It's this way, northwards. Sorry, dude. My fault, my fault, my fault.

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We've been going south-east the entire time?

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Not for long - only since I've been playing with that bird app,

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to be honest!

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Get the maps app, Conor, check we're heading in the right direction.

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By my calculations on this phone, the river is over there.

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This way.

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-Oh, my God!

-What the...?

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Holy shit, it's massive.

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It's massive. This is a sheer drop.

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This looks genuinely terrifying.

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We have to get down to the river.

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Not sure I can even do this.

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Didn't you cue up, just in case, something about...?

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-I had a video.

-Right, wicked.

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'You want to put your feet...'

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This is what not to do.

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-'Agh!

-Yeah, you need to move your feet.'

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-Oh, my God.

-It's meant to be funny, but it's just scary.

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That's what my legs did when I injured them.

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'Stop laughing!'

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"Stop laughing, you could die."

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'This isn't funny.'

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SHE SCREAMS

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Oh, my God.

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Oh, my God, oh, my God!

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She's falling down a cliff...

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This is like that scene in the Lion King, when Mufasa just falls.

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This is no help at all. Oh!

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-She's gone!

-Turn it off!

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-Did you get anything else?

-No.

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Oh, great(!)

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Oh, my God, look at this drop.

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Are you ready for this?

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Yeah, man, just like... You know, it's just one of those things.

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Just be careful. Oh, my God, that is a long way down.

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Oh, God. That is a rushing waterfall of doom.

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Wait till you look over the edge.

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-I'm not looking over the edge.

-It's not like it's even straight.

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It's literally like that video we watched.

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-Oh, no!

-The fail video. We could go under a rock...

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What are we doing?!

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I mean, the smartphone has not helped us at all.

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It's put fear in me.

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Every part of my instinct is not to throw myself off a cliff.

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Conor, please don't be too good at it.

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Oh, my God.

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There might be some falling debris, and it's not going to be rock.

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You look great from down here, though.

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Huh...! Jesus...! Nearly broke my fricking wrist already.

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This is not what I signed up for.

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-This is the difficult bit.

-I didn't sign up for this.

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Agh... Oh, my God.

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This is such a crap hobby, why would anyone do it?

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Oh, shit! Oh, my God, there's still loads to go.

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Mate, the next bit is the hardest bit so far.

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What do you mean? It's all been the hardest bit so far.

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Conor, stop being so good at it!

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Oh, shitting shit.

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-Go on, Russell.

-I'm trying.

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Oh, God. Oh, crap.

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Crapitty-crap-crap. Whoo!

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You nailed it.

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That was horrible. Absolutely horrible.

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I fell. Three times, I fell.

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Whereas I'm here, like, "Let's do that again!"

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My God, look how blue the river is!

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-It's amazing. It looks so good.

-It looks like Powerade.

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I'm going to do a quick video diary.

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Myself and Conor, we've made it.

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We abseiled down a very steep ledge.

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We're stood on the rock now,

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with our last little patch of light coming down on us.

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I'm just hoping we can find a solution

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to food and accommodation before the sun sets completely,

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because I do not want to be walking around here in the dark.

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-It is very dangerous.

-Yeah.

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Right, we're off.

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Let's go.

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-Are you tired? I am so tired.

-Do you want to do some of that leaf stuff?

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Do some of that leaf stuff?

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-Don't you remember?

-Oh, the stuff the Maleku gave us?

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I thought you meant you had... Go on, then.

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This - remember?

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Ready?

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Love techno.

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Do you really...? Something about techno.

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THEY GIGGLE

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-That's the most bitter thing I've ever tasted in my life.

-Mm...mm...

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They're horrible!

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HE GAGS

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It's getting worse.

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Aghhh!

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Agh! That is literally what I imagine shit tastes like.

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-That's horrible.

-Let's make a move.

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Those Malekus are bad arses.

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They chew that...for fun.

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I wonder what they're doing right now?

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They're in a hotel room with the widescreen on.

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-Kapi-kapi.

-Kapi-kapi.

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Dude, I'm hungry. I'll try anything at the moment.

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I'm actually starving. Literally, the next thing is food, right?

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That's the next thing. Did you download something?

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-Yeah.

-Download Jungle Fodder, and Bush Tucker and all of that.

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Perfect.

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'So I wanted to show you a quick clip on how to essentially eat bugs.

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'These grasshoppers are a complete food, guys.

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'I mean, you can literally survive on these things...'

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We've got to catch some grasshoppers first.

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'Take the grasshoppers.

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'Remember to remove the legs and the wings, especially...'

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Legs and wings. Legs and wings have to come off.

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Definitely, especially the back legs.

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'Got my grasshoppers, they're ready to cook.

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'I'm going to just go ahead and set them over the flame.'

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'Anything that we cook out here in a survival situation

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'needs to be well cooked, or you can get tapeworms,

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'you can get all kinds of things.

0:17:450:17:47

'This is a cicada, and then I've got a normal grasshopper right here.

0:17:470:17:51

'And...

0:17:510:17:52

'They just have just kind of a normal flavour.

0:17:520:17:56

'Well, I say normal...'

0:17:560:17:58

Well, I keep moaning that I want protein.

0:17:580:18:00

You know what I'm thinking? There's billions of insects, protein source,

0:18:000:18:04

hopping around all over the place.

0:18:040:18:06

It could be the future of the human race, to eat these things.

0:18:060:18:09

Even if we could just catch a grasshopper, just one...

0:18:090:18:11

-We'll share it.

-Did that just move, there?

0:18:110:18:14

Oh, yeah. It just jumped - there it is, look.

0:18:160:18:19

-Grab it, dude.

-We have a very, very faint signal here.

0:18:190:18:23

I'm going to quickly search - "Are grasshoppers attracted to light?"

0:18:230:18:26

Because our head torches might be what's attracting them.

0:18:260:18:28

It's a grasshopper party up there!

0:18:280:18:30

Right, so, apparently, most insects are attracted to light,

0:18:300:18:33

including grasshoppers, so I'm just going to get the torch on this.

0:18:330:18:36

Want the T-shirt to grab them all afterwards?

0:18:360:18:38

Well, I thought, because it's a white T-shirt...

0:18:380:18:40

-Oh, my God, there's one on there.

-What's that?

0:18:400:18:42

Yeah, this is working. The food is jumping towards us.

0:18:420:18:45

This is the easiest animal trapping, just shining a light at a T-shirt.

0:18:450:18:48

-Oh, a grasshopper! Yes!

-Oh, my God, look at the size of that thing!

0:18:480:18:52

We've got one massive one, fold it over in the trap cloth.

0:18:520:18:56

-There's one.

-There's another one. There's a grasshopper.

-Come on.

0:18:570:19:00

There's a big one. Is the big one still in there?

0:19:000:19:03

I don't know! I don't want to touch anything.

0:19:030:19:05

I've got an idea. How about we put them

0:19:050:19:08

-in the waterproof case from the phones?

-OK.

0:19:080:19:10

Just be careful, dude.

0:19:100:19:12

Not everything is what it seems.

0:19:120:19:14

It's still in there, big bastard's in there.

0:19:150:19:17

-No, no, dude, you're going to lose him!

-Oh, oh!

0:19:170:19:19

Oh, we lost it.

0:19:190:19:22

That's the one we lost, that's literally the one we lost.

0:19:240:19:27

Who's going to grab it?

0:19:270:19:29

I don't know if I've got the balls to do this.

0:19:290:19:31

-Rock, paper, scissors.

-One, two, three...

0:19:310:19:34

Rock, paper, scissors.

0:19:340:19:36

-Ahh!

-Rock, paper, scissors.

0:19:360:19:38

-Ahh!

-You're cheating.

0:19:380:19:40

I'm not cheating!

0:19:400:19:42

THEY LAUGH

0:19:420:19:44

That's the way to do it - the Leaf System 5000.

0:19:460:19:48

-Go, go, go!

-Yes! Boom!

0:19:480:19:50

Oh, that is one ugly dinner.

0:19:500:19:52

-Is that its face?

-And it's still happy.

0:19:520:19:54

Oh, my God, Conor, there's something massive on your back!

0:19:550:19:58

Get the bag open.

0:19:580:20:00

Please, don't...

0:20:010:20:03

I'm not joking, I'm not joking.

0:20:030:20:05

Get in. Get in, you...!

0:20:050:20:06

Agh!

0:20:060:20:07

THEY SCREAM AND LAUGH

0:20:080:20:12

Punched me in the face! It punched me in the fucking face!

0:20:140:20:17

Oh, my God, what is that?

0:20:170:20:19

-What is that?

-What is that?

-That's a walking leaf.

0:20:190:20:22

Oh, what a pair of pussies.

0:20:250:20:27

Please, let me grow just one testicle, just one.

0:20:270:20:30

Don't you understand - I hate this shit,

0:20:300:20:31

that's why they gave me the job.

0:20:310:20:33

Are we genuinely going to eat the giant cockroach?

0:20:330:20:35

How clever is it, the wily little bastard?

0:20:350:20:37

Right. I have it in here.

0:20:370:20:40

For God's sake... Wait, wait, wait.

0:20:400:20:42

Open it, open it!

0:20:420:20:44

-Quick!

-I'm trying, I'm genuinely trying.

-Go, go, go, go!

0:20:440:20:47

-Is it in?

-Yes.

0:20:470:20:49

All right, that's enough. We've got a starter, main course,

0:20:490:20:52

and the cockroach for dessert.

0:20:520:20:54

Oh, my God, what is that ant?

0:20:540:20:56

-Shit, what is that?

-Jesus Christ. Look at the size of that.

0:20:560:20:58

That is like a giant ant.

0:20:580:21:00

Google it.

0:21:000:21:01

It's a bullet ant, I've identified it from Google.

0:21:040:21:06

Look. "Paraponera clavata is a species of ant,

0:21:060:21:09

"commonly known as the bullet ant."

0:21:090:21:11

There he is. He's there, he's there.

0:21:110:21:13

There, right under my light.

0:21:130:21:14

Oh, yeah. That's him.

0:21:140:21:16

-Right, listen...

-Why's he trying to steal our grasshoppers?

0:21:160:21:20

"Named on account of its powerful and potent sting due to its venom.

0:21:200:21:23

"It inhabits humid low land..." Hello! "..in South America.

0:21:230:21:27

They're really dangerous.

0:21:270:21:28

Powerful and potent poison.

0:21:280:21:30

That is it, look. That's him.

0:21:300:21:32

"It rates above tarantulas, wasps, and equals being shot."

0:21:320:21:37

-What about a shark?

-Dude, it equals being shot.

0:21:370:21:40

And we're having mild banter over it with a torch.

0:21:400:21:43

Oh, my God, that'll put you in hospital, dude.

0:21:430:21:45

-The internet literally just saved our lives.

-Yeah, just saved us.

0:21:450:21:48

That could even be worthy of an Instagram, as well.

0:21:480:21:50

I love how we've completely forgotten about the grasshopper

0:21:500:21:53

-and all we care about is...

-That changed into a big drama.

0:21:530:21:55

It honestly did. Holy shit...!

0:21:550:21:57

-Are you winding me up?

-I'm only joking.

0:21:570:21:59

Dude, you shouldn't do shit like that!

0:21:590:22:01

You shouldn't do it. That's the fucking strength of a bullet.

0:22:010:22:04

That's not funny.

0:22:040:22:05

I'm not going to lie -

0:22:050:22:07

as much as I genuinely don't want to touch these rhino crickets,

0:22:070:22:10

I am actually starving.

0:22:100:22:12

What are we going to have to do now?

0:22:120:22:13

Make a fire. That should be fun. Come on.

0:22:130:22:16

We have to get a fire going tonight, man.

0:22:180:22:20

Or we're not going to cook our delicious crickets.

0:22:200:22:23

What you got on the phone? Any videos cued up?

0:22:230:22:25

Let's have a look.

0:22:250:22:26

'They were going to be just doing a quick demo on how to start a fire

0:22:260:22:32

'with just some simple hand sanitiser.'

0:22:320:22:35

We've got that. Let's try it.

0:22:350:22:37

'What you do, about a quarter-sized blob, like this.

0:22:370:22:42

'So, let's see if we can get this to go.'

0:22:450:22:48

Have you ever used a ferro knife before?

0:22:480:22:50

-No.

-Right, so, we used these before.

0:22:500:22:53

You just create bare sparks, innit?

0:22:530:22:57

It's 62% alcohol...

0:22:590:23:00

Whoa! It's lit!

0:23:000:23:02

Shut up! Have you got some leaves?

0:23:020:23:04

-Scrunched-up ones.

-It's kind of weird when shit actually works.

0:23:040:23:08

It's time to start thinking about roasting some crickets.

0:23:110:23:13

I feel like, of all the things on my bucket list, to do in my life,

0:23:130:23:17

this was just nowhere near it.

0:23:170:23:19

-This is not on it.

-This is, like, the bottom.

0:23:190:23:21

Oh, you're so lucky you got the big one.

0:23:210:23:24

More protein for Conor.

0:23:240:23:25

We're going to spear it while it's on the floor.

0:23:270:23:30

Did you hear the crunch? Oh, my God!

0:23:300:23:32

I like my crickets well done.

0:23:330:23:35

OK, now, the piece de resistance.

0:23:360:23:38

-Oh, my God!

-D'you think that one's cooking?

0:23:380:23:42

This is the last thing I would ever put on my rider.

0:23:420:23:45

This one is, like, definitely finished.

0:23:450:23:48

Cockroach still slightly moving, now and again.

0:23:480:23:51

I mean, they are hard bastards, aren't they?

0:23:510:23:53

Shall I take its wings off?

0:23:530:23:54

Oh, my God!

0:23:570:23:59

I think this is the bit you literally eat.

0:23:590:24:01

Right. OK...

0:24:010:24:04

I'm going in.

0:24:060:24:07

Ugh!

0:24:100:24:11

It tastes like pork. I wasn't expecting that.

0:24:190:24:21

Pork, of all things.

0:24:210:24:23

I think it tastes like shrimp. Similar to shrimp.

0:24:230:24:26

Half shrimp, half pork.

0:24:260:24:28

-What about the cockroach?

-It's going to be a different journey.

0:24:280:24:31

-Are we actually going to try it?

-We certainly are, my man.

0:24:310:24:34

-Name's Roach. Cock Roach.

-God.

0:24:350:24:38

Right, so, after a night

0:24:380:24:40

of being out here in the jungle in Costa Rica, catching...

0:24:400:24:45

Well, catching/running away from insects all around the floor,

0:24:470:24:53

we've finally put together a fire and ate a bunch of...

0:24:530:24:57

What are they called? Rhino crickets?

0:24:570:24:59

-Rhino crickets.

-Rhino crickets.

0:24:590:25:00

And the piece de la resistance...

0:25:000:25:04

piece de la resistance, is...

0:25:040:25:05

-An actual cockroach.

-A giant cockroach...

0:25:050:25:08

-On a stick.

-..that we... Well, I say WE captured.

0:25:080:25:10

-Did we capture it? I held the bag.

-We captured it together, bro.

0:25:100:25:13

Yeah, we did it together. It was a team effort.

0:25:130:25:15

-That's why we are going to eat it together.

-And...

0:25:150:25:18

Yeah!

0:25:180:25:19

Winging it.

0:25:190:25:21

-Eugh...

-Eat.

0:25:210:25:24

This is the bleakest moment of my whole career.

0:25:250:25:27

How are you going to split it in half?

0:25:270:25:29

-I don't know, dude!

-Did you bring a knife?

0:25:290:25:31

-Are we going to bother with cutlery now?

-A little incision!

0:25:310:25:33

I tell you what...

0:25:330:25:35

..you can just have a little taster.

0:25:360:25:38

-Ready?

-I've got just like the crunchy bit, like a potato skin.

0:25:380:25:42

I can feel the tapeworm going in, I can feel it.

0:25:460:25:49

-That one just... That one doesn't taste normal.

-That's not good.

0:25:500:25:54

-LAUGHING:

-I can't do that!

0:25:570:25:59

Right, I need some rest. I've got to...

0:25:590:26:00

We have to get some sleep or we're not going to be able to deal with

0:26:000:26:03

whatever challenges the jungle throws at us tomorrow.

0:26:030:26:06

-Let's do this.

-Let's do it.

0:26:060:26:08

All I can taste is that fishy cockroach taste.

0:26:080:26:10

-Can you taste it?

-Disgusting.

0:26:100:26:12

It's rank, isn't it?

0:26:120:26:13

GENTLE FLUTE MELODY

0:26:150:26:19

HE SPEAKS MALEKU

0:26:220:26:25

The beginning of day two.

0:26:350:26:39

Literally just woke up.

0:26:390:26:41

Let me tell you, sleeping in a tent

0:26:430:26:45

in the middle of the chorus

0:26:450:26:47

that we slept in last night is no cop out.

0:26:470:26:49

No pillow, which I kind of was a little bit upset about -

0:26:490:26:52

the standard object that you'd find in a bed, but we didn't get that.

0:26:520:26:56

The rhino crickets and the cockroach we had for dinner

0:26:570:27:02

were strangely satisfying in the sense that...

0:27:020:27:05

they take your appetite away completely for quite a long time!

0:27:050:27:08

I feel a bit more tired today than I was yesterday,

0:27:080:27:11

so we will see what effect that has on me.

0:27:110:27:13

Hopefully, I don't scream at Russell, so...

0:27:130:27:16

How weird is that?!

0:27:180:27:19

I can't believe that's an insect, it looks fully like a leaf.

0:27:190:27:23

Amazing! I wonder what it tastes like?

0:27:230:27:25

All I want to do now is eat everything when I see it.

0:27:250:27:28

Looks like it would FEEL like a leaf.

0:27:310:27:33

Yeah, it does, it has the texture of a leaf.

0:27:350:27:38

Urgh!

0:27:380:27:40

Hey, Leafy.

0:27:420:27:44

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Did you hear a couple of rhino crickets

0:27:440:27:47

were hanging around here last night?

0:27:470:27:48

Joey and Benny. Great couple of guys.

0:27:480:27:50

Didn't come back last night.

0:27:500:27:52

Don't know if any of your team saw anything?

0:27:520:27:54

Um...

0:27:540:27:56

Maybe.

0:27:570:27:58

Morning, mate. How was your sleep last night?

0:28:000:28:03

-Mine was pretty broken.

-Mine was awful.

0:28:030:28:05

I think I must have woken up about four times.

0:28:050:28:07

I can't sleep on my side. I've got no pillow,

0:28:070:28:10

which I was whingeing about, but I have found this online.

0:28:100:28:14

In our basic emergency provisions bag, I know we have some of these.

0:28:140:28:17

We are going to look at about 20 different ways

0:28:170:28:19

to use condoms in a survival situation.

0:28:190:28:21

Electronics are very susceptible to the elements,

0:28:210:28:24

so if you are packing something,

0:28:240:28:25

you want to take your condom, place it around...

0:28:250:28:29

-That's a good idea.

-..and I'm sure it will still receive a signal.

0:28:290:28:32

If you really get desperate, it could be used as a pillow.

0:28:320:28:35

Oh, right.

0:28:350:28:36

-OK, maybe not.

-So it can't be used as a pillow?

0:28:360:28:41

Inflated, they can be used as a signalling device.

0:28:410:28:44

Over here! We are in trouble!

0:28:440:28:46

You would not go towards him, would you?

0:28:460:28:48

And they can make an improvised balloon for kids.

0:28:480:28:51

Imagine giving that to kids!

0:28:510:28:52

Play with a condom. See you on a register.

0:28:520:28:55

Be strong, be of good courage.

0:28:550:28:57

God bless America.

0:28:570:28:59

Long live the Republic.

0:28:590:29:00

Wow.

0:29:020:29:04

I wonder who he is going to vote for in the election(?)

0:29:040:29:06

Right... Not all knowledge on the internet is great.

0:29:060:29:10

I've been surprised by how much the internet has helped us on this trip,

0:29:100:29:13

how much information is out there, how quickly you can get it,

0:29:130:29:16

as opposed to just having to, like, search for it yourself.

0:29:160:29:19

-You couldn't have done this ten years ago.

-No.

0:29:190:29:21

Not with a Lonely Planet and an insect book, but in ten years,

0:29:210:29:24

when there is superfast whatever it's going to be called,

0:29:240:29:27

the Zuckerberg network, over the whole planet,

0:29:270:29:30

then I think you'll be OK.

0:29:300:29:33

There will be ultraviolet apps, there will be...

0:29:330:29:36

But will that take away the whole aspect

0:29:360:29:38

-of being in the middle of nowhere?

-This is the problem.

0:29:380:29:40

By answering all the questions, do we then kill off mystery?

0:29:400:29:44

-That is profound! Wow!

-I feel like we should take a selfie.

0:29:440:29:48

Shall I be in the background, like a pinhead? It's quite funny, look.

0:29:480:29:51

Yeah.

0:29:510:29:52

Nailed it.

0:29:530:29:55

I love a pinhead in the background picture.

0:29:550:29:57

Mate, according to our map, it's saying it's only like a small hike.

0:30:020:30:06

Just got to keep heading through the jungle.

0:30:060:30:09

I am soaked through, through to my pants. Every part of me is wet.

0:30:090:30:12

May need to get a waterproof cover on the phone,

0:30:120:30:15

or we won't have a phone.

0:30:150:30:16

-Shall we try the condoms?

-Let's do it.

0:30:160:30:19

Why have you got them creepily handy all the time?

0:30:190:30:21

You told me to make sure that I have them at all times!

0:30:210:30:24

This is the weirdest thing I've ever done.

0:30:240:30:26

You are a pro at this.

0:30:260:30:28

Oh, it's ribbed. Is it ribbed?

0:30:280:30:30

Oh, it's not ribbed! Who bought ribbed?!

0:30:300:30:32

The phone is getting so much pleasure now!

0:30:320:30:34

That's made the phone totally safe to put up my arse now.

0:30:340:30:37

We have to make this waterproof, because without this...

0:30:370:30:40

We don't like unsafe sexting.

0:30:400:30:42

Now we can sext with protection.

0:30:420:30:44

We have one waterproof phone. How clever.

0:30:440:30:47

This really is the third tribesman,

0:30:470:30:50

the one with the knowledge. Without this, we're going down hard.

0:30:500:30:53

-Shall we press on?

-Let's do it.

0:30:530:30:55

Ugh, went down my back! Argh!

0:30:550:30:58

It's like every experience is unpleasant.

0:30:580:31:01

Can't we do something that's fun?

0:31:010:31:03

I wonder what those Malekus are doing right now?

0:31:050:31:07

Just think of all of the Maleku that have walked this path.

0:31:200:31:23

I can hear the river in both directions.

0:31:230:31:25

This way.

0:31:270:31:28

-Is this safe?

-Oh, my God!

0:31:310:31:34

-Whoa!

-I can see the river.

0:31:340:31:36

Yes! Thank you, maps!

0:31:360:31:39

Thank you, internet! I can see the river.

0:31:390:31:43

That looks dangerous.

0:31:430:31:44

Ohh...!

0:31:470:31:49

-God...

-This is more slippery than David Cameron's forehead.

0:31:490:31:54

Look at the - there is no other word for it - skid mark. Oh!

0:31:540:31:58

Oh, crikey.

0:31:580:32:00

Crikey!

0:32:000:32:02

Grab onto the vine, quick. Remember, from the abseiling, yesterday.

0:32:020:32:06

We are using yesterday's knowledge to survive today.

0:32:060:32:09

That is what it's about, dude. Learn and adapt.

0:32:090:32:12

No bum-sliding for us.

0:32:120:32:15

Oh, yes! It is going to ping back on us.

0:32:150:32:18

Stand clear.

0:32:180:32:19

We just came down a slope that most other people would have bum-slid on,

0:32:200:32:24

but because of yesterday's knowledge, we abseiled using a vine.

0:32:240:32:27

-We are bad-arse.

-We are literally owning the jungle.

0:32:270:32:29

I wouldn't be surprised if I start speaking Maleku in a minute.

0:32:290:32:32

Choppy-choppy!

0:32:320:32:34

Oh, my God. Look at the colour of it!

0:32:340:32:38

It's like melted Smurf! Look at it!

0:32:380:32:41

Wow!

0:32:410:32:42

Why is it so blue?

0:32:440:32:45

Have you ever seen anything that colour before?

0:32:450:32:48

That's like water on steroids.

0:32:480:32:50

It's like a Maldives holiday brochure, but more violent.

0:32:500:32:53

We've still got to get across it, though.

0:32:530:32:55

I honestly don't know how we are going to do that bit.

0:32:550:32:57

-No.

-Can you see what we can see?

0:32:590:33:01

-I ain't going across that!

-I think we may just have found a way across.

0:33:010:33:04

Surely not, surely not.

0:33:040:33:06

There is absolutely no way.

0:33:070:33:09

There is no way we are going across that.

0:33:090:33:11

You're in trainers, I'm in wellington boots.

0:33:110:33:13

There will be people screaming at the television at this point.

0:33:130:33:16

I genuinely can't believe we're doing this.

0:33:160:33:20

We are just sort of brokenly doing it to get back to the hotel.

0:33:200:33:24

The Malekus can have our lives!

0:33:240:33:25

I can't believe we're going on this thing.

0:33:250:33:28

Whoa!

0:33:300:33:32

Aargh! This is actually scary!

0:33:320:33:34

It looks a lot further now you are here.

0:33:360:33:39

It looks like another city, the distance we've got to travel.

0:33:390:33:42

-Terrifying.

-So slippy.

0:33:420:33:44

This was not on the Google map at all. This was not on the maps.

0:33:440:33:48

That blue water is not beautiful any more.

0:33:480:33:51

Whoa...!

0:33:510:33:53

Careful, man.

0:33:530:33:54

This bit doesn't look very good fun.

0:34:010:34:03

-This is bad news.

-How are you doing, Russ?

0:34:110:34:14

Ahh...!

0:34:150:34:16

OK... OK!

0:34:200:34:23

Wasn't too bad.

0:34:250:34:26

I nearly slipped, right in the middle.

0:34:280:34:30

Wow. That was a rush!

0:34:320:34:34

We cleared that.

0:34:360:34:38

That was quite sick.

0:34:380:34:40

Now is the time to start thinking about food.

0:34:520:34:56

-Dude, that's a heart of palm, that one there.

-That tree?

0:34:560:34:58

Yeah, look. From the wikiHow page - heart of palm, you can eat them.

0:34:580:35:02

-That's literally it.

-There was no scale, so I didn't know

0:35:020:35:04

-they were that big.

-How do you eat it?

-Chop the whole thing down.

0:35:040:35:07

I'm going to check if we can eat it raw on Twitter.

0:35:070:35:09

I know you can eat it cooked - I've had it in restaurants.

0:35:090:35:11

Can you eat it raw?

0:35:110:35:15

Here we are. Sharon Forbes says...

0:35:170:35:20

Name-drop!

0:35:250:35:26

Oh, look, I've got something here. Check this out.

0:35:260:35:28

-MAN:

-Heart of palm basically is the germinal centre of a palm tree,

0:35:280:35:32

and it's the green area.

0:35:320:35:34

At the centre of that green area is a white cone...

0:35:340:35:37

It's the white cone of stuff in the middle.

0:35:370:35:39

Mainly, what you're looking for

0:35:390:35:41

is the green germinal centre at the top of the tree.

0:35:410:35:44

The green germinal centre at the top of the tree - it's up there.

0:35:440:35:48

He is eating it raw as well.

0:35:480:35:50

Dude, I can't wait to try that!

0:35:500:35:52

It is like a cross between a Cheesestring and...

0:35:520:35:55

-And celery.

-Yeah, Cheesestring and leaves.

-Cheesestring!

-Awesome.

0:35:550:35:58

We have a job ahead of us, but it's going to be worth it

0:35:580:36:00

-to have an authentic jungle snack.

-Let's do it.

0:36:000:36:02

Yes, we get to use our knives!

0:36:020:36:03

Stand clear!

0:36:030:36:05

My God, I've turned into such a wuss.

0:36:090:36:11

I feel bad about hurting the tree! Sorry!

0:36:110:36:14

It looks a little bit shaky.

0:36:140:36:16

Do you want a go? Do not chop with your limb in the way.

0:36:170:36:22

Yeah, yeah, do that. Do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:36:240:36:27

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-Yeah, d'you like that, yeah?

0:36:270:36:30

Action shot. Little video.

0:36:300:36:32

-I feel like it's going to go.

-It's going to go.

0:36:320:36:35

Right, it's going to go that way.

0:36:350:36:37

Turn your 3-D off!

0:36:370:36:38

-Yeah!

-Whoo!

0:36:380:36:40

That's what happens when you mess with the Jungle Crew!

0:36:400:36:42

Dude, we just chopped a tree down with a fricking machete.

0:36:420:36:45

-Beautiful.

-That is badass!

0:36:450:36:47

-Dude!

-Unbelievably, dinner is locked in there somewhere.

0:36:470:36:50

Yeah, that looks good.

0:36:520:36:54

Dinner!

0:36:540:36:56

Right.

0:36:560:36:57

-I reckon about here.

-That looks soft.

0:36:570:36:59

-Done.

-There it is, the good stuff!

0:37:010:37:04

That's what Papa Bear needs - some honey for his cave.

0:37:040:37:07

There's honey in there. Mm!

0:37:070:37:09

We have to now split it, like they did in the video.

0:37:090:37:12

-Then, if you like, you can have a peeling session.

-Let's do it.

0:37:120:37:16

-Yeah, go on, then, man.

-Let's do it.

0:37:160:37:17

-Whoa!

-I'm so hungry, I can't wait.

0:37:220:37:25

Shit - we chopped down a whole tree for that?!

0:37:250:37:27

I feel out of order.

0:37:270:37:28

It's like killing a chicken and eating the beak.

0:37:280:37:31

Oh, hello, that looks like it.

0:37:320:37:35

-There we go. That's it.

-Is that the heart of the palm?

0:37:350:37:38

-It looks... Yeah, it looks like...

-Just get stuck in.

0:37:380:37:41

How would you describe it?

0:37:440:37:47

-Lovely.

-It's like raw mushroom.

0:37:470:37:49

-It's absolutely disgusting.

-Do you not like it?

0:37:490:37:52

Dude! We haven't eaten for days!

0:37:520:37:54

I don't like it at all. That's disgusting. So grim!

0:37:540:37:57

Cockroach for your dinner tonight, then.

0:37:570:37:59

This is the stuff they sell in tins.

0:38:050:38:07

CONOR GAGS, RUSSELL LAUGHS

0:38:070:38:10

No, I really don't like it.

0:38:120:38:13

I don't know why. My mouth just doesn't agree with the taste of it.

0:38:130:38:16

I'm sorry, we should have checked before we ordered.

0:38:160:38:18

You got anything else?

0:38:180:38:20

That is... I can't swallow it.

0:38:200:38:23

I can't do it.

0:38:250:38:26

I'm going to have a nibble on that while we go exploring.

0:38:260:38:29

-It's all yours, buddy.

-This is hard-core Maleku.

0:38:290:38:32

WATER RUSHES

0:38:520:38:55

I recognise that sound.

0:38:550:38:57

An angry river.

0:38:570:38:59

Maybe you can go first this time, you know.

0:38:590:39:01

I went first with the abseiling.

0:39:010:39:03

This looks really dangerous.

0:39:120:39:13

Come on, man, we can't put it off any longer,

0:39:130:39:16

-as terrifying as it is.

-Let's do it.

0:39:160:39:18

We have to find a place to cross it up there, OK?

0:39:180:39:20

Right, OK.

0:39:200:39:21

That's all that standing between us and getting back up to that hotel

0:39:230:39:26

-and finishing this thing.

-Yeah.

0:39:260:39:28

We've got to do it, man. I hate this river.

0:39:280:39:32

How can something so beautiful be so vile?

0:39:320:39:34

I just need to get out of this place now.

0:39:370:39:39

I feel like this is where the jungle could, like,

0:39:390:39:41

-seriously bitch-slap us.

-Yeah, we could get slayed here.

0:39:410:39:44

I don't think I ever even passed my level-two breaststroke either.

0:39:440:39:47

-I think I did five lengths, max...

-I'm dreading this.

0:39:500:39:52

..then I thought, "I don't want to be a swimmer."

0:39:520:39:55

Bear Grylls always says rivers are the highway of the jungle.

0:39:550:39:58

Well, I'm sick of being clamped. Let's move.

0:39:580:40:00

-Do you want to go first?

-No, you go first, mate.

0:40:020:40:05

No rock, paper, scissors here. There's just rock everywhere!

0:40:050:40:08

Oh, my God, it's freezing!

0:40:080:40:10

I'm shaking.

0:40:100:40:11

It's really strong, the current is really strong.

0:40:110:40:14

It's really dangerous, isn't it?

0:40:140:40:16

There is a bit of rock, you can sort of fall down in between here.

0:40:160:40:20

That's not safe. It's like a gap between two rocks.

0:40:200:40:23

Come this way, come this way.

0:40:230:40:24

-Shitting shit, that's deep, there.

-Whoa!

0:40:260:40:30

We're going to have to swim this bit.

0:40:300:40:31

Careful, man. You have to come in here.

0:40:380:40:41

Grab that.

0:40:410:40:43

-Are you going to go for it?

-Dude, there is no way out of this now.

0:40:470:40:50

Ready?

0:40:500:40:51

-Oh, my God!

-Whoa!

0:41:010:41:05

Just a little water, Conor.

0:41:190:41:21

Come on, Conor, this way.

0:41:210:41:22

Unbelievable! That was so powerful.

0:41:230:41:26

Oh...!

0:41:280:41:30

That was bad.

0:41:300:41:32

Oh, my God, I got washed so badly.

0:41:330:41:35

Oh, Jesus...

0:41:350:41:37

-That was scary. How scared were you there?

-Mate...

0:41:430:41:46

-When we jumped out on that bit...

-Yeah.

0:41:460:41:48

..I felt like I had no control.

0:41:480:41:49

-It's the rocks.

-Either I'm going to hit something and luckily stop,

0:41:490:41:53

or I am going to carry on going with the river.

0:41:530:41:55

It's only 15 minutes, tops, from here,

0:41:550:41:58

-now that we have crossed the river.

-Let's get there.

0:41:580:42:00

All we have to do is walk, soaked through.

0:42:000:42:02

What's uncomfortable about that(?)

0:42:020:42:04

-It's getting dark, man.

-We need to get back.

0:42:090:42:11

Can't tell you what it feels like to be this soaked through,

0:42:110:42:13

walking in a humid jungle. It is not a pleasant feeling.

0:42:130:42:17

I feel like I've pooed myself. It's a horrible feeling.

0:42:170:42:21

I am getting major chafing right now.

0:42:210:42:23

I have got a degree of chafing.

0:42:230:42:25

Oh...!

0:42:250:42:28

Do you reckon the Malekus have enjoyed being us?

0:42:280:42:30

Yeah. I can't wait to be us.

0:42:300:42:32

I'm so tired.

0:42:330:42:35

We are in the hotel grounds.

0:42:350:42:37

Feels like civilisation.

0:42:370:42:39

Can't believe we have got, like, an Indiana Jones Bridge.

0:42:390:42:42

Dude, hold on. This would be a crap place to die.

0:42:420:42:46

It's actually really scary.

0:42:460:42:48

I'm still scared!

0:42:480:42:50

I might even be scared in my hotel room.

0:42:500:42:53

Oh, my God, how is that safe?! How?!

0:42:530:42:56

Nailed it.

0:42:560:42:57

Nailed it!

0:42:570:42:59

-This is it, man.

-Look!

0:43:020:43:05

-No!

-That is a proper path.

0:43:050:43:06

That wasn't even a path, that was just stones.

0:43:060:43:09

This is, like, crazy paving from the '80s.

0:43:090:43:11

Now we have got to find the Maleku.

0:43:110:43:13

-Uh...

-Shit, man. I'm really suddenly self-conscious

0:43:130:43:16

about what we're wearing.

0:43:160:43:18

I hope we don't see any of the other guests.

0:43:210:43:24

Which way?

0:43:240:43:25

I still need the compass, this is pathetic!

0:43:250:43:28

Ah... See, this is the type of jungle I like.

0:43:320:43:36

What is going on? Where is everyone?

0:43:360:43:37

They're not even going to serve us at the hotel bar.

0:43:370:43:39

What if there has been an apocalypse while we were out there,

0:43:390:43:42

-and everyone's dead?

-Do you know what?

0:43:420:43:44

And the only people that are left are the Maleku.

0:43:440:43:47

I'd still serve myself a beer.

0:43:470:43:48

Then I would call home and check if everyone was OK.

0:43:480:43:51

I would still have a beer first. Is that bad?

0:43:510:43:53

I'd be right there with you.

0:43:530:43:55

Oh, a swimming pool!

0:43:550:43:56

Look at the Jacuzzi. Look at the Jacuzzi.

0:43:580:44:00

They're in the Jacuzzi!

0:44:010:44:03

Oh, my God!

0:44:030:44:05

-Hapi-kapi.

-Hapi-kapi.

-Hapi-kapi.

0:44:050:44:08

Oh, man! You look like you are enjoying yourselves.

0:44:080:44:11

Oh, they are very happy.

0:44:110:44:13

-Shall we come in?

-Can I come in in my jungle gear?

0:44:130:44:16

-Oh...!

-Oh, man.

0:44:160:44:18

Oh, my goodness.

0:44:180:44:20

-Well, guys...

-Being Maleku is exhausting.

0:44:240:44:27

We had cockroach and grasshopper.

0:44:340:44:36

Si.

0:44:380:44:40

We loved it. We finished all of them.

0:44:410:44:43

'I ate the bugs, I camped in the bush,'

0:44:460:44:47

it is not something I would choose to repeat,

0:44:470:44:50

but it was pretty bad-arse.

0:44:500:44:52

Are we Maleku now?

0:44:580:44:59

8%. 'I really enjoyed'

0:45:050:45:06

the cultural exchange, when you don't have language.

0:45:060:45:09

-ALL:

-# Maleku, Maleku... #

0:45:090:45:14

-Kapi-kapi.

-Kapi-kapi.

0:45:170:45:20

Do we have any idea if they are naked right now?

0:45:220:45:24

'This is the last thing I would ever choose to do.

0:45:280:45:30

'I think, to get so messy, so wet, and just'

0:45:300:45:33

have everything against you the entire time,

0:45:330:45:35

I would never have chosen it,

0:45:350:45:36

'but I really did enjoy it and I really had loads and loads of fun.'

0:45:360:45:39

'Conor was amazing on this trip,

0:45:390:45:41

'but he was rubbish, like me, in every department.'

0:45:410:45:44

We are pampered little city boys who like taking selfies,

0:45:440:45:47

hanging out on the internet and having a job based on

0:45:470:45:50

poncing around on stage. I don't want to change it.

0:45:500:45:52

Stupid Man, Smart Phone.

0:46:010:46:02

I'd just like to say we only picked the title cos it sounds funny.

0:46:020:46:05

I would declare the smartphone won.

0:46:050:46:10

'I think people will be surprised how well we did.'

0:46:100:46:12

Can we do...una selfie?

0:46:250:46:27

-Squeeze in.

-Look at my hair!

-Oh, God.

0:46:320:46:34

-Kapi-kapi.

-Kapi-kapi.

0:46:340:46:37

Video. OK. We have come to the end of our mission.

0:46:370:46:40

These are our friends. Say kapi-kapi.

0:46:400:46:42

-Kapi-kapi.

-This is Conor. Say, "Hello, I'm from Brighton."

0:46:420:46:45

Hello, I'm from Brighton.

0:46:450:46:47

And it's been amazing,

0:46:470:46:48

we've survived in the rainforest jungle

0:46:480:46:51

only using a phone, and it's over now.

0:46:510:46:53

I'd like to say I'm sad, but I'm not.

0:46:530:46:55

That's the end. Goodbye.

0:46:550:46:56

-Bye!

-Adios, adios!

0:46:560:47:00

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