Italy Stupid Man, Smart Phone

This programme contains some strong language.

For centuries, explorers have battled with nature. Now, pampered comedian, Russell Kane...

-Oh! It's freezing!

-..wants to join their ranks....

I miss my mum.

..by tackling extreme survival

with just...

-This.

-..a mobile phone?

How to find water in the desert.

I use my phone for everything.

Turn the choke all the way down.

It's got billions of users round the world.

The web has all the answers.

It's here on the map - that's it there!

Joined by the internet's brightest stars...

-Oh, my God, I'm a Jedi!

-..and their legions of followers.

Going to get physical.

I don't think the production team

are always going to be taking it that easy on us.

HE RETCHES

Together, they'll face the worst that nature can throw at them.

Russell!

I just want to know that if we get bitten by something,

we've got the antidote.

Oh, God! Yeah, the team will ensure that we're safe

and that we always have internet reception.

They're accompanied by a barely helpful crew...

Please! Come on, guys.

..who'll be throwing in the odd curveball.

The doors don't close.

They'll use their signal...

We've got a bag of poo.

..for survival.

Light the bag! Who said that?

-Yes!

-Oh! I love you, internet.

-This time...

-I'm alive!

..it's internet versus the mountain.

This is just not my thing.

As Russell is joined by YouTube bad man...

Have you ever climbed anything before?

-Erm, the stairs.

-..Humza Arshad.

The Queen is now being forced by the Muslims to wear...

the hijab.

Their mission is to conquer a fear of heights...

-That was horrible.

-..and forbidden food...

Oh, my God!

What is that? What is that?

In order to climb the Italian Dolomites.

Godspeed, Stupid Man.

It's not what you think of when you think of Italy.

You normally think of people sat around drinking olive oil.

Not having their genitals shrunk to the size of an acorn...

..by icy winds.

I forgot to bring gloves.

We're about two and a half thousand metres up, something like that.

So, I'm just hoping someone turns up that's got some practical skills.

HIP-HOP PLAYS

Someone that knows how to... certainly how to build a fire.

Someone that can help me turn this into a brilliant experience.

(Oh, it's Humza.)

He's funny - but I'm funny.

-Hey, man.

-What's going on, man?

I was hoping it was you. I was just saying.

-Yeah.

-I was hoping some online comedian South Londoner

-would come and save my arse.

-Well, this is me, this is me.

-What is that?

-Erm...this is, erm...

laziness.

Have you ever been camping?

-No.

-You've never put a tent up or anything?

-No.

-Have you ever cooked outside?

You've done a barbecue - have you ever done a barbecue?

My brother has.

Ever been anywhere cold like this ever?

What's the coldest place you've been?

Erm...

Brighton.

-Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God. Can we go into the...

-It's so cold.

-..the five-star hotel now?

Do we know what we're doing?

We've got to meet some random guy called Joe.

Do you speak any Italian?

No, teach me.

Buongiorno's hello.

Isn't bonjour French?

-No, buongior-no.

-Oh, that's copying though.

-That's the same thing.

-Yeah, buongiorno.

-Hello.

-Hi, how are you?

-Are you Joe?

-I am Joe, yes.

Hey, nice to meet you. I'm Russell.

Oh, Russell. Hey.

-Bonjour-no.

-Buongiorno!

So, we've come from London - North...South.

-South.

-We have to travel on separate planes cos of different postcodes.

OK. So, I heard that you think that you can survive in my mountains only

-with your phone.

-We've got no skills.

-Humza's never even been to the cold before.

-No.

But we've got social media, messaging, pages, videos,

video calls. We believe that all we need is the phone.

OK. I have a nice mission for you.

Turn around, look up there.

You see this mountain?

The mission is to climb up this mountain.

You're kidding...

I will wait for you up there and then we see how it...

it works.

What? Hold on a second - the very pointy bit in the middle?

Yes, the very pointy.

It looks like you wouldn't be able to fit on it.

Have you ever climbed anything before?

Erm...the stairs.

This is for you.

In there are some special clothes.

I was in the hotel last night. I couldn't even sleep in the hotel,

it was too cold in the room.

Now I'm living on a...on a fricking mountain like Taliban.

You know what I mean, I don't want to be the Taliban.

BLEEP. BLEEP.

What do you think of my hat?

I think it's...pretty.

It doesn't do up under my chin.

Very nice!

-Do we look sexy?

-My shoes feel a bit...

-Very good.

-If you were a woman maybe...

-I don't know.

-No?

-No, no, it's fine.

-OK.

-I will wait for you up there, OK?

-How are you going to get up there?

-Yeah, can we come with you?

That's my problem, not your problem, OK?

-OK.

-You have your phone?

-Yes.

Contact me when you are in trouble but not before, OK?

Are you on Snapchat?

-Yes.

-I don't know what's Snapchat.

I have a phone and you can call me, OK?

-Oh, my God, he's not on Snapchat.

-Yeah, I know, it's not cool.

OK, that's fine.

-We'll be fine.

-OK, good luck.

-Thanks, man. Cheers, Joe.

-Bye-bye.

They're in trouble, yes? They are in serious trouble.

I tell you what you can use is a compass on the phone.

-Yeah.

-Oh, it's working.

-I'm always slightly amazed when something works, aren't you?

-Yeah.

Navigation for them is the most important thing.

If they get lost, they have problems.

Right, that's north - that way. Straight through the house.

Well, that would be right.

-In fact we knew that cos the mountain is there, duh.

-Yeah.

How thick was that?

I've got reservations about our abilities to achieve anything.

I couldn't see Sir Ranulph Fiennes and Humza hanging out,

put it that way.

My first impressions of Russell is, erm...

He seems like a bit of an idiot, really.

Are you ever in a restaurant... Sometimes I go to the loo and when

the doors are all white, I come out and I'm like, "Which door is it?"

And I open the disabled toilet by accident and there's

some guy in a wheelchair trying to have a poo.

It's never happened to me, Russell. Ever.

-Let me check what altitude we're currently at.

-Yeah.

We're at 2,104.

I've just tweeted,

"What's the quickest way to get up that mountain?"

I'm not here to fail, you know what I mean?

Erm... "I don't know but just take a helicopter or something."

I'm not that rich to, like, book out a helicopter...

unless there's a budget.

-What do you mean?

-OK.

Maybe we need to use our phone in a smarter way.

-What do you mean? Cheat?

-No, not cheating.

-But, look, the mission is to get to the top...

-Yeah.

..using your phone.

If we type in, I don't know, like "cable cars" or something...

Just cos you type something into Google doesn't make it...

-Google knows everything, trust me.

-I could Google, "I hope the buffet and

"some hotties arrive." They won't be at the bottom of the hill."

-Yeah, but that's a request, not a question.

-Does it look like

there's going to be a cable car around here that conveniently goes up a mountain? Don't think so.

-I told you there was a cable car.

-All right, all right, all right.

Fool.

Looks open though, doesn't it? Dickhead.

Like, we just need to ask one of these guys... like, you know,

-"When does it open?" Or something.

-Ah, buongiorno.

-Buongiorno.

-HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

Si.

It's closed.

-Closed?

-Si.

-Buongiorno.

-Buongiorno.

RUSSELL SPEAKS ITALIAN

Will someone be able to pay?

-Oh, OK.

-Oh, crikey.

Buongiorno.

Parla inglese?

Oh, good. Erm, hello.

My name is Russell.

We have a...we have a mission that we have to complete for television.

We have to get up a mountain.

Would you be able to operate it for us today

just so we could get to the top? Thank you very much, that's great.

I'll pass you back. Bye.

I had to pretend to be Russell Howard. He was like,

"I cannot do it." And I was like, "You know Good News?"

He went, "Ah, my children love Good News."

Yeah, yeah.

Please, come on.

Skin. Don't leave me hanging...

HIP-HOP PLAYS

Wow!

Wow. This is crazy.

Oh, my...

God!

I'd love to wee off here, wouldn't you?

Yeah!

This is incredible.

It's, like, breathtaking.

What's the altitude? What's the altitude?

2,700.

We're 2.7km in the air.

That's amazing. Well done.

You found the cable car.

-Congratulations.

-Is that...

-Pretty chuffed.

-Wasn't that, erm...

We're not supposed to get that high?

So, where is the summit?

Erm...

OK, one thing that I've just...

-It's that one, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-We're above it and it's miles away.

-Yeah.

So, you let us just go up, knowing that it's the wrong mountain?

Shit.

We don't have a snowboard, we don't have skis.

We haven't even got proper boots for walking in snow.

We've got sort of mountain boots. Any suggestions?

-Tweet?

-Tweet.

Well, it could be worse.

How?

I don't know.

The only decent responses I've been getting on my Facebook wall is from

-someone called Peak Survival.

-Oh, yeah?

-I don't if it's worth trying to Skype them.

-Yeah, try it.

SKYPE RING TONE

Hear me now.

HE RAPS

-Hi.

-Hey!

-Hello!

Listen, can I tell you what's happened?

We sort of need to be over there on that peak....

-Yeah, up there.

-But the only way we can see round is down there.

We don't have skis, snowboards, we've got nothing.

Best thing to do is just look around you and use

the route of less resistance. So, don't make things

harder for yourself. If there's, like, some natural paths already

kind of obvious to you, follow those. You can actually kind of make

this more fun and slide down in areas that you can, you know.

But make sure, obviously, you can use your feet to stop yourself

cos you don't want to pick up too much momentum.

But how can we get down it? We've got no equipment.

What's the best way down that slope?

Do you happen to have any climbing equipment or ropes

-or anything like that?

-There might be something we can improvise.

The key thing, too, is to be quite creative, you know, working with

what you have and trying to even create something. It's actually a

good morale booster, too, cos it's an activity.

-Morale.

-Survival bags!

I was looking at the same thing.

Imagine if we go in and up to our necks.

I can't think of a better use for the survival bag than to turn it

into a sledge and slide down a mountain.

Let's do it! Cool.

You know, we might've carried these bloody things around and not bloody used them.

If we hadn't Skyped her, I never would have thought of this.

-It looks a lot steeper when you get here, doesn't it?

-Yeah, it does.

I'm not really an expert on this,

jumping off the mountains on a bin bag, so...

HE LAUGHS

Don't leave a brown streak after you, OK?

Erm...it's a bit late for that.

-Good luck.

-All right, here we go.

Lean back.

Ah!

Well, that worked.

Let me have a go.

HE YELPS

OK, that's not going to work.

It don't work.

This is shit, man.

Let's try this.

HE LAUGHS

That worked slightly better.

I'm going backwards.

That's good, it's working.

Why didn't I think of that?

That's actually working. Well done, man.

There's some rocks here, be careful.

Worked. Well done.

-Humza, are you OK?

-Yeah, I'm just a bit sick.

Well, you can finish your roly-poly if you want.

Can't we just walk?

Listen, because we're getting out of breath and dizzy, how about we put

-the bags in here...

-Yep.

-And when we're safely to the right, we can

let them slide in front of us a bit, down to the next bit.

Then we've not got to carry them, they're dry.

OK. I've got socks on my hands.

I've got socks on my hands.

Socks on my hands. We're making quite quick progress, though.

The snow's doing the work.

-Right, I'm going to try and go round to the right a bit.

-All right.

Bang!

Oh, wow.

Saves a bit of carrying.

-Oh, wow, that worked.

-It worked!

That's going a bit fast.

-Where are the phones?

-What?

-Where are the phones?

-What do you mean?

What do I mean? The phones!

It's in the bag.

Whoa!

Russell wants us to go down the mountain

and I have to rely on him now.

And I don't even like walking in general, so if we make a wrong move,

I don't know how I'm going to cope with it, cos walking's so long.

Ah, path, there's a path.

-Yeah?

-Path.

-Brilliant.

You know cos it's getting dark?

Well, shouldn't we, like, try to find some sort of food?

Yeah.

-You all right, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Good, good.

Oh, my God.

What?

Snails eating a jaw.

And I'm not even joking.

-Huh?!

-I'm not even joking.

Eugh.

That is disgusting.

-Well, we can't eat that.

-What type of jaw is that?

-Oh, wow.

-That's gross!

Something died down here.

That's all that's left - a jawbone.

At least there's deer round here then.

-Yeah.

-Even though they're dead.

-Do you know where I was on holiday in the summer?

-Yeah?

-France.

-Yeah?

-Every night as my starter in my hotel I had snails.

-What do you think?

-All right, then.

Let's eat...snails.

I'm just thinking of food.

I don't even know if I'm allowed to eat them.

I'll have to Google it later, as well.

Is there no way we can, like,

drain the blood from the snail and make it halal?

I hope not.

Feeling a little bit happy with myself with the snails idea.

I like snails anyway.

It's just a case of finding the best...

recipe and... Yeah, OK, snails are a starter,

but I'm just going to have to have two starters.

I wanted to show you how to harvest and enjoy eating your garden snails.

Have you ever had snails, escargot, in a French restaurant?

No, I've never had it.

So, it's all right, honestly, they taste really nice.

I'm assuming these will be the same.

Even though we did find them eating a skanky dead deer under a rock.

If you're going to harvest your snails, you're going to need to make

sure you have a bag, a canvas bag or a paper bag.

I give you the "snocket" - pocket...

-Full of snails.

-..of snails.

See you on Dragons' Den, bitches.

-I can't believe no-one's thought of that to be honest.

-Snocket.

One important thing about harvesting snails

is you can't eat them right away.

You don't know what they've been eating.

So, you're going to have to keep them for about a week.

-Oh.

-Shit.

Disappointing news about snails.

Turns out you can't just pick a snail up off the floor and eat it.

I think I vaguely knew this at the back of my mind.

It's just wishful thinking.

All right, let's keep going, anyway.

This wouldn't be a bad emergency place to camp if we needed one later.

Yeah. I mean, it worked for the deer.

-This way or that way?

-That way.

-We need to get round that and up there.

-All right, cool.

As far as I can tell, we have to keep travelling west.

-As long as we're going up and west, we're heading in the right direction.

-Yeah.

After that, I don't really have a clue. I mean, we can get through here.

-Yeah, let's do it.

-It's just a bit pingy,

-so you might want to let me get through my bit first.

-All right.

One of the best bits of survival advice I got was,

"Just follow your plan through." Even if you're starting to think,

"Oh, my plan's a pile of crap," follow it anyway.

Ah.

That's it.

Cos that gives the morale to everyone else.

I mean, even if you eventually die...

I think we can get... Whoa.

..the morale just before death is going to be amazing and I'm proud of that.

I'm OK, guys. Obviously, I know you care about my safety

because you didn't say anything.

To be honest, I've, erm... Don't particularly know where we are.

I'm just going to keep my positive energy up.

Have a wee in a bush and then try and get this show back on the road.

Are you ready for this?

OK.

My manager said, "It would be fun," he said.

"It'd be good for you," he said.

What we should be doing is climbing higher so we can get a better

vantage point. What about if we use the selfie stick?

How high is a selfie stick going to go?

Higher than we can. We can stand as high as we can

and we can do that and use it like a periscope.

That's all right actually. That's a pretty good idea, to be fair.

Watch and learn.

That's fantastic. You've got a bird's eye view.

It's high up. It's only cos I've not tightened it.

You're losing your temper. Where's your suggestion?

-Russell!

-Oh, shush...

-Russell!

-I can see it, I can see it, I can see it!

-See what?

-The mountain. I can see the rocks.

Just look there. You can see it without the phone.

You dick!

Ah, got it! All right, watch out.

Oh, my penis!

Oh, no more kids.

Well done, well done. Nice.

Erm...

Either we went the wrong way...

No, we didn't, man.

Come here.

We need to find a way to get down from here.

See if you've got anything on the phone.

So, let's throw the packs down first.

Yeah. Bon voyage!

That's it.

Well, my water supply's gone.

The main thing was getting the support on Twitter.

How big do you think the...

-OK.

-So, people are saying use the branches.

-This is fine.

-Although a lot of what comes back is nonsense...

I don't want to put on any pressure but the sun is setting behind that hill.

Yeah.

-Woo!

-Ready?

-Yeah, go on.

It didn't work.

Ah!

-My bum!

-Just feeling like there are people there with you is giving you

that strength to carry on.

No, lower, get low, get low.

There you go.

It's like you're screwing the floor.

That's it. That's what you've got to do.

That was quite fun, actually.

In 20 minutes it's going to be dark.

-Yeah?

-I don't think we have the experience to be doing this with a

head torch safely.

I don't think we should go any further than this today.

I don't know about you, but it is fricking freezing.

-I know.

-I just posted on my Instagram...

-Yeah?

-Yeah. Erm...

like, basically, we need shelter FAST.

So, these are the options...

-Yeah.

-Run back down the mountain.

No. Build one.

-We can't. Someone suggested to jump in your

-BLEEP!

-Look for a cave.

-Good idea.

I'm going to look round in my camera and I'm going to zoom in.

Yeah.

OK.

It's not a... Please don't be all the way up there.

-I can't climb again.

-That's not the tunnel, is it?

-No.

-It looks a bit tunnel-like to me.

Why don't we just see if that's the tunnel?

It could just be an indent.

Yeah. In a rock!

Do you know what I mean?

-Oh, look, there's a track there.

-That's not a track.

-It is.

-Shut up.

Well, it could lead somewhere.

Dude, this track's going nowhere.

This is bleak, man.

We're going to have cheat and hit TripAdvisor.

Please tell me there's a tunnel up there.

I can't see anything.

Sorry, I've got to put my hood up, I'm freezing.

I can't feel anything.

-Is it there?

-How is there a tunnel here?

I'm... I'm sure...

-Well, this looks, er... welcoming.

-It will do, it's shelter.

What is this place? What was it?

I don't know where this is leading.

This could go on for miles.

Do you know what? For the first time our Wi-Fi is genuinely not working.

-Yeah.

-Not even a satellite can get through that.

So, that just shows that it's going to be very warm in here.

Here, the theory of it being warmer down here - that's the end of that.

What would you do if my snot looked like this?

I'm really cold, Humza.

HE SHIVERS

It's all made of snow. What the fuck? That's the outside!

-No way!

-That's a cliff! Be careful, that is a cliff.

No, no, don't go any further.

That is a cliff, that is a fucking cliff, I'm not even joking.

I've got my night-vision on, dude.

-OK.

-Do not go any further than the snow.

You don't know if that's collapsing rock or anything.

-What the...

-I can't...

I literally...

-Falafel.

-I can't even see over that.

OK, we're a long way up.

We're trapped in a tunnel with no light, no fire,

we've got nothing to eat.

It just feels like, I don't know, like, the intro to, like,

Paranormal Activity Seven or Eight or Ten or whatever they're on.

SINISTER SCORE

-What the hell happened here?

-Oh, my God.

Why is there a destroyed child's chair?

We're definitely not the first people to come here, that's for sure.

You know what? This is probably the creepiest place I've ever been to in my life.

But I have to be hood, I have to be hood.

If I see a ghost, I'm going to punch it in the face.

I don't know what this was, it looks like some altar.

I don't know. I think this is a place where they do, like, Satanic stuff.

You know, like, sacrifice goats and then they, like,

put S Club 7 on and they all get topless and start dancing for no reason...

-What does that mean?

-That means...

-Oh, my God.

-Blair Witch Project 3.

-That's what it means.

-Humza, move your head.

-What is that down there?

-What?

What is that?

I don't know. Why don't you go and find out?

Who's that?

Who's that?

Who's that?

-Hello!

-Buongiorno!

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

-Er...

-What did he say?

I don't know. Erm, so.

How are you? Good?

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

We're lost.

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

La journee finita and we are lost.

SPEAKS ITALIAN

I don't know what's going on right now, but all I know is my man has a

goat on his back and he's got a gun.

Where... Dove? Dove il fuoco?

SPEAKS ITALIAN

Si, si.

We've planned this so badly,

we've ended up up a slope we can't get down in the darkness.

We've got no light, no food, this dude knows the trail, we have no choice.

-Chill out. OK.

-Tell him all Muslims are not terrorists, because he's got

a gun and he keeps looking at me funny.

What is that? Is that a goat?

-Oh, my God. That's not a backpack. Have you seen what's on his back?

-I...

That's what I've been telling you! I've been telling you the whole

-fricking time.

-I thought that was a backpack. It's a dead...

-It's a fricking goat.

We are going to die today.

Like, every minute there's a new death scenario.

SINISTER SCORE

Conosci...

Joe?

Joe? Si. Conosco Jo.

He knows Joe?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Ah.

-Oh.

-I'm thinking Joe might have sent him.

THEY SPEAK ITALIAN

Ah, park warden. Guardian park.

You can understand that.

The park...

Si, ah.

I'm pretty sure the guy just said

that he's going to cut out the heart and cook it.

The goat right next to me?

He's going to cut his heart out right now?

While I'm sitting here?

Oh, my God! What is that?

What is that?

What is that?

I can't eat it, it's not halal.

Shall I drop the bombshell now, Humza, or not?

Yeah.

This is the first time an Italian has ever cooked without olive oil.

What's that?

What is this?

-Poonani?

-Oh. Pulmonary!

-That's the heart, innit?

-No, no, it's the lungs.

-He said pulmonary.

-This you eat, ah...

Cut the head?

Er... Oh, he's saying...

You stick it in the... Corner. Yeah, yeah!

-That's good, that's sick!

-Oh, he just... You just high-fived the liver hand.

That's cool, man, it's fine.

Time to eat, dinner's ready.

-OK.

-Buon appetito.

Oh!

-Sweet. It's dolce.

-Dolce...

Yeah, is it nice?

-Yeah.

-All right.

Do you want to try any of the goat liver?

No, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Thanks. I am extremely hungry.

It is cold. I think everyone's cold, not just me.

And this is not a suitable place to stay.

Not even Bin Laden wouldn't sleep here. You know what I'm saying?

What I can't do this evening is take a chance on you sleeping out because

you would have to stay awake all night, OK?

-Yeah.

-To keep this fire going.

I've got a tent for you to go and sleep in this evening.

It's not too far from here.

You've got sleeping bags in there and you'll be able to sleep safely.

OK, cool.

We've done 177 metres today, which feels pathetic, like,

Usain Bolt could do that in 15 seconds.

But still...

We're here. Me and Humza are getting on well.

There's a lot of good, er, jokes back and forth.

I know it's a bit disappointing, obviously,

cos we would like to get a bit further than where we are.

I don't want to put all the blame on, you know,

Russell, but I think that definitely, erm,

Russell's all to blame.

CLASSICAL MUSIC

Without meaning to be dramatic,

we were pulled due to safety reasons.

Er, it is disappointing, but we've got a tent,

that's still pretty hardcore, on the side of a mountain.

Morning.

Humza, get up, it's gone eight o'clock.

-No way!

-We need to get up, man.

Hi, guys, morning. The climbing what you have done yesterday,

I do in half an hour.

Today, you must climb real mountain.

Your equipment is in your bags, take it, and good luck.

-What are you like with heights?

-I'm not great, to be honest.

I...

I don't think I'm really good.

I genuinely don't think I'm capable of it.

But I'm going to try.

Literally, I'm petrified because I really don't think I have it in me

to climb shit. You were sent the videos about climbing.

I think we should actually watch it because if we're going to do some

climbing today, I've had no experience of climbing whatsoever.

-Yeah, same here.

-There's a rock climbing video.

-OK, let's watch it.

-Oh, I can't do that.

Ah. Oh, oh, oh!

Oh! Oh! Fuck!

He's... The guy's falling!

Now I'm even more petrified.

Hmm... What else have you got here?

Motivational exercises.

-Yeah.

-And we're just going to push it out...

Push it out... Push it out...

-Push it out...

-Is this guy taking the piss?

And why is he dressed as a reindeer?

Get the knees up.

Get them high, get them high, get them high!

This is playing havoc.

Push it down, push down, push it down, push it down...

That was really, erm...

motivating. You know?

So, how's this for a really simple plan of action?

We stop lying to ourselves and we start climbing up that mountain.

Yeah, I think we just need to, you know...

just really go for it and just...

You're right. You know, we don't want to fail, we don't want to look...

We don't want to look like idiots on TV.

-Same page, bro. You know?

-Yeah.

I'm thinking how we've just got to, you know, stop talking

and...and...and...and doing it.

And then we've got that energy. There's no reason not to.

-Yeah.

-It's... We've been here like...

An hour and a half, by the way.

I know, trying to... Cos I'm not motivated yet.

I'm trying to motivate myself, but I can't.

-You know, I'm just throwing it out there.

-Yeah.

I think, yeah, we should eventually go, though.

After lunch, probably.

-Cos we've nearly hit lunchtime.

-Yes. Have you seen the Everest?

I haven't yet, is it good?

No, it's shit. Most of them die.

Cool, well, I'll watch that when I get back.

Have you seen Cliffhanger?

-Yeah, I've seen that.

-Yeah, a lot of people die in that, as well.

Where Stallone hangs on the one finger.

They did a, erm...

a parody in Ace Ventura, did you see it?

The second one. When Nature Calls.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-And he took the piss out of it,

and the monkey died in that, as well.

There's just a lot of death, really.

I don't really think we should be talking about this kind of stuff when

we're about to climb a mountain.

Mmm. What about Magic Mike? He strips off and then bones all the women.

-Does he die?

-No.

-That's all right. Let's just leave it on a positive.

-Let's do that, man.

-Yes. Magic Mike.

-Where's my climbing gear?

So, I'm up for it.

-You up for it, yeah?

-Humza is scared of heights so this is my opportunity

to be a leader and make him feel more secure.

I'm not sure what the stuff in the bag is.

It's like one metal hoop and a bit of plastic.

That can't be all we need for getting up the mountain.

Safety harnesses for climbing or abseiling.

Someone else said it's a Tibetan sex harness.

Via ferrata.

Obviously. What's that?

So, I've said, is that a place?

I thought maybe it's the name of where we are, and he said it's a technique.

It's where you do freeform climbing across a rock with ropes.

Oh, man!

Someone on Facebook said, I hope your affairs are in order.

So, I don't think it's the safest thing that we're going to do.

Russell, I don't think you're going to like this, cos I'm not liking this.

What is it?

All I see is just... A lot of fricking rope.

One that vertical bit?

-That can't be for us.

-Guys, come on, man, I can't do that shit.

That's ridiculous!

I'm not doing vertical. I thought we were...

-Look!

-..going to do like an across thing.

-No, that's straight up.

-Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God!

I'm actually now...

dreading it.

Hang on a second, there's a notepad hanging off the wall.

Oh, great. It's in German.

I thought via ferrata was a place.

I thought it was just like a different type of pasta.

Yeah. Erm...

let's have a look.

Please be in English. Oh, look. That's right where we are, look!

No way.

-OK, so it wasn't in this bag.

-It's in fricking Italian.

If you look... You're sort of climbing but you're secured to the rope with a clip.

So, if you...

I suppose if you... The idea is if you fall, you're just suspended.

-Yeah.

-Well, they've got little ladder things,

but I guess we're supposed to use the rocks as ladders, yeah?

Yeah. I can't believe we're doing this!

All right.

This is actually crazy.

I should just say that we've had to do this for insurance purposes.

I was up for doing it on my own, so...

-Red tape.

-Me, too.

In theory, we should be able to lean back on these.

I don't feel very secure!

So, you can try it and then I'll see if it works.

So, it should be like a... It's like a seatbelt with the sudden movement!

Yeah, there you go. No, I'm just saying, look it works.

-Try yours, then.

-No, cos we already know...

Try it!

-All right.

-You should be able to lean back like...

-Oh, my God.

-Ah!

-Fuck that.

-Look at that.

Right, so, that's how it'll feel to be suspended...

only with a bit more weight.

I genuinely don't know I can do it.

Listen, this is what I think we should do.

-Go home.

-I just want to try the first couple of metres and see how it feels.

-So, even if it's just that first bit.

-Yeah.

What do you think my chances are, mate?

Yeah, erm... Yeah, no, I think you're...

I think you're going to do it.

The worst that can happen, if you've got the chains on,

is that I lose my confidence and humiliate myself.

It's a common misconception that climbing's all about strength in your arms.

But your legs are much stronger than your arms and you want to

exploit this as much as possible when climbing.

On vertical or slabbed walls, try to keep your hips in close to the wall.

This will help you more efficiently get your weight on your feet and off

your arms. This method helps you stay in control and stops you swinging around

and wasting energy.

This is just not my thing.

It really isn't.

-You should see the view.

-No.

Oh, my God!

I don't know why, but I'm starting to really enjoy this.

I know we've got to get to the top of the mountain,

I know that's our mission and my mind wants to do it, but my heart is

-wavering now.

-No, you can do it now, man.

Trust me.

I don't even want to know how high we are.

All right, I'm going to move a bit forward.

Oh, Christ, this is terrifying, Humza.

There, well done. That's cool.

Nice. That's a short cut.

This is actually so cool though, innit?

-Yeah, really cool.

-Yeah!

-We've changed.

-Huh?

You've gone up for it and I've gone to not up for it.

Yeah. No, no, bruv, you're smashing it, you're doing sick anyway.

All right, let's go.

Can I just point at something?

-Yeah?

-Just look at that corner.

-What?

-What is that?

Look where the rope disappears out of sight.

What is that?

-That?

-Look, it carries on round the corner.

-How are we going to get round that?

-Oh, shit.

Let's just go for it, fuck it.

We've got to worry about time, as well.

-Yeah, I know.

-Do you want me to check what time it is?

Hold on. So, what time did the sun go down yesterday?

-4:30.

-OK.

I'm going to be straight with you.

It's 2:30.

Do you genuinely believe that we can't do this?

Cos I genuinely believe we can do it.

We've done, like, two hours already.

So, we need to get through this.

All right.

Holy F. How am I going to get up that, seriously?

I've got a baby!

That's it. No, you smashed it. Bang!

That is the scariest, most dangerous near-death thing I've ever done

in my life. That was horrible.

But I'm proud of myself.

Now, do a selfie.

That's a sick one.

Let me tell you something, this has been crazy, I mean, watch this...

So, now running out of time on our last day,

we're not staying over tonight. We've got no choice

but to track it on foot.

So, I'm hoping it's somewhere over there.

We are not far.

It's that one.

-That's our mountain?

-Yeah.

Cool.

I don't want to go back home and everyone's like, "Oh, yeah,

"I saw you on the programme with the tall white man.

-"You failed the mission."

-Tall?

That's the kindest thing you've said all week.

Do you know what I've decided about mountaineering?

It's shit?

It is. But...

the thought of getting there...

-That's what's driving us on, man!

-..is exciting.

Up through here, look, there's more of a path.

-You all right, Russell?

-Yeah, I think so.

I'm trying to look at the rock climbing video, OK?

OK, Russell. Great time to do it.

It is, actually.

Oh, shit. There's three golden rules.

Number one - don't use your phone while climbing a mountain!

OK, Russell, I don't want you to be alarmed,

but look on your right side.

BIRDS SQUAWK

I'm alive, I'm alive!

I'm still alive, you shit!

I don't want to be eaten by crows.

Not far left, Russell, keep it up.

Those crows are still following, you know?

There's a lot of loose rocks here, guys, be careful.

That looks fricking horrible.

Come on, Russell, you can do it.

-Right, if you fall, I will carry on for both of us.

-Yeah.

Don't die now. You'll bring my mood down.

-Is this the top? Are we at the top? We've done it. Yeah!

-Woo!

-Reached the summit!

-Yeah, boy!

With no skills, just the phone.

Come here, man. Yeah! Well done, man.

-It's actually just...

-I knew I was amazing!

I knew I was amazing!

# Check 'em out, check 'em out

# Less of New York, less of the South

# Too complex at the best of times

# Check 'em out! #

Ooh, yeah.

-All right.

-I'm tired now.

-Amazing, man.

-Well done, man.

I love you, man!

-Amazing.

-This is wicked, man.

What a feeling!

What a feeling!

Oh, my God. We've completed the mission.

Don't you think there's one person we should tell?

-Joe!

-That was the whole reason.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to text him. There's only one thing you can do at a time like this...

selfie!

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Cool.

-Nice one.

OK, I've got a text.

He said, "On my way."

What is that noise?

What?

HELICOPTER APPROACHES

Oh...my God!

Oh! Brap, brap, brap, brap, brap brap!

That is sick!

I can't believe this.

-He's in a chopper.

-This is crazy. Look.

This is a chopper.

Woo!

Woo!

Yeah, we're getting rescued! Woo!

Well, I'm pretty sure there's only space for us two,

so you lot have to just chill. Don't worry, you'll be fine. Build a shelter.

-Yeah.

-Obviously, use your phone, cos it helps.

Remember about drinking your own piss.

Yeah? Yeah, drink your own piss. Bear Grylls does that. It'll be fun. It'll be fun.

I'll show you again.

Wrong mountain!

-Where's the door?

-No door.

You haven't closed the door!

-Huh?

-Haven't got a door.

Close the fucking door!

Wow!

There's no door!

BOTH SCREAM

OK, you are happy when I close the door?

-Yes, door.

-We close the door now.

-No, keep it open.

OK, let's go.

-Woo!

-Agh!

BOTH SCREAM

Whoa! Oh, my God!

That is wicked!

That was great.

How do you feel about how we've done?

I think it was amazing.

What about you?

For me...

the mission was just...

the starting point. The stuff we've done...

even when we've failed...

when we've fallen down,

when we've been evacuated and we've cheated here and there,

we've gone three steps backwards to go four steps forward,

I feel we've built as people.

We faced fears...

-Yeah.

-We've grown as men, and most important of all,

we've completed the mission and THAT is something to celebrate.

Well, we didn't complete the mission cos...

Joe told us it was the wrong mountain.

Yeah. Shall we go get some food?

-Yeah, let's go, man.

-I'm not taking the bags.

Yeah, forget the bags, not our problem.

Oh. Ah, this way.

-Where are we?

-Yeah, where are we?

Can't just drop us off in a fricking forest.

That's what we should have asked Joe - is where we were.