Poland Stupid Man, Smart Phone

For centuries, explorers have battled with Mother Nature.

Now, pampered comedian Russell Kane...

Argh! It's freezing!

..wants to join their ranks...

-I miss my mum.

-..by tackling extreme survival...

-Ah.

-..with just...

-This.

-..a mobile phone?

"How to find water in the desert."

I use my phone for everything...

Turn the choke all the way down.

It's got billions of users round the world.

The web has all the answers.

It's here on the map. That's it there!

Joined by the internet's brightest stars...

-Oh, my God, I'm a Jedi!

-..and their legions of followers.

It's going to get physical.

I don't think the production team are always going to be

taking it that easy on us.

Together they'll face the worst that nature can throw at them.

-Careful!

-I just want to know that, if we get bitten by something,

we've got the antidote.

Oh, God. Yeah, the team will ensure that we're safe

and that we always have internet reception.

They're accompanied by a barely helpful crew...

Please, come on, guys.

..who'll be throwing in the odd curveball.

The doors don't close!

They'll use their signal...

We've got a bag of poo.

..for survival.

-"Light the bag." Who said that?

-Yes. Oh!

I love you, internet.

-This time...

-I hate this.

-I hate it!

-..it's internet versus frozen forest,

as Russell is joined by YouTube heart-throb Mazzi Maz.

I am a banana! Woohoo!

They'll be on the run, evading a crack team of manhunters...

Don't be stupid!

..in a remote corner of Poland.

Yeah!

Godspeed, stupid man.

This is it. I think that's where he said to meet,

at Wal Pomorski.

It's a little bit Communist.

It's a little bit 1940s pre-Communism.

This place has got so much history.

It's got more history than my internet browser,

and that is packed full of history.

There he is.

-How you doing?

-I'm very well. How are you?

You made it. Thanks for doing this.

-Let's hug for longer, it's cold, man.

-Don't ever let me go.

-Good to have you here.

-Thank you, man.

-Thanks for having me.

-All I know is we've got to wait here.

-Mm-hmm.

-We're either going to get a text or someone's going to tell us

-where to go.

-OK.

-What the mission's going to be, I don't know.

The one thing I do know is

we're going to have to use these phones to survive.

That is the mission. And that's why you're here because you live...

-you live the internet.

-Yeah. Yeah, the internet's my home.

RUSSELL CHUCKLES

-Who's that?

-Oh, God.

He means business, mate. He's cutting it.

Hiya.

We're, erm... We're doing something for the BBC.

We've got permits, we've got everything we should have.

The what?

OK. Can you just say it again?

You have to get to Borne Sulinowo Tank Memorial.

What?

-Oh, God.

-So, wait there. We have to get to this place while you're

-pursuing us?

-Yeah.

-That's the mission?

Thank you.

I'm very intimidated right now.

RUSSELL GULPS

-Start.

-Put your backpack on.

Put it on.

Hold on! Hold on! I can't...

We haven't got time for this, man!

Where's my hand luggage?

I've got a concealer stick in that.

Don't be stupid.

-How do you know the way?

-Come, come!

Right. My zip.

Jesus.

Russell, don't be slowing me down, bro!

It's not necessarily quicker to run.

Sometimes it's quicker to stop, use the phone and then run.

Well, first, let's get up here,

let's get some fricking ground on them.

They look like amateurs.

Just leave me. Just... Just throw stones down

and I'll follow your trail.

They can meet wolf,

wild boars and even wild dogs.

Look at the size of that print.

That's like a wolf, man.

To be honest with you, I don't think wolves are the problem,

it's those dudes.

They're idiots and I think they're doomed here.

We need to get to Borne Sulinowo.

'Looking.'

'I could not find any places matching "boring silly noble".'

"Boring silly noble"?

Wait, wait. You're not saying it right. It's the accent.

"Tank Memorial."

I got it! Borne Sulinowo.

We'll go a little bit further that way in the wrong direction

-just so we have...

-And then we'll make a cheeky left.

Look, and you see we'll go back round through the forest.

Let's just do it. Let's just do it.

I can't do this standing still stuff, man.

Come on, Russell. Let's go.

You got to keep up, man.

-Let's take five here. Let's take five.

-Get down, bro.

-Get down, get down, get down.

-We'll take five here.

-Right.

-OK.

-This might help us, it might not,

but I've just pulled up a website on how to evade the police...

-Yes.

-We've got to navigate through heavily populated areas.

Like, there's a town called Klomino.

-Yeah.

-At the moment,

I'm wearing all black but you stand out like a sore thumb with all that

red. Wait, let me just pull up this climate camouflage tutorial.

Hello, this is Scott from the LivingHistorySchool

and today we're going to talk about natural camouflage. Yeah!

This video might as well be called,

"What happens when a wife leaves a man."

Mosses and lichens make excellent camouflage.

Mosses and lichens.

The other thing is just to look up at the natural environment.

See how there's lots of lights and darks, shades of green?

OK. What I'm gathering from this video, bro,

we need to spot the environment we're in,

take a good look at it and then match ourselves towards that.

Right.

We might have to wear the jacket.

How you going to stick it to yourself?

We've you got knives in the bag, so why don't we just...

-Ah.

-Make...

-Put holes in the clothes.

-Make incisions.

-Oh, mate.

Mate.

# Yeah, yeah, yeah... #

-Do you want the knife?

-Yeah.

# Yeah, yeah, yeah... #

It's really stingy with the pine next to your face, isn't it?

I am a tree.

I need some mud.

-Eh, I'm so glad I didn't shave.

-PHONE ALERT

-It's like an extra bit of camo.

-Point me out in case they can't

see me in the background. That's me.

-Oh, they're pursuing.

-Really?

-That's it. That's three hours, man.

I've got so much stuff, I'm running a bit camp.

We're leaving, like, the longest trail behind.

Where are we on the map? This would be a good point to cut

-through the woods.

-Yeah, I think we should cut through these woods.

Keep the compass open, then,

because you know we've got to head north west to Klomino.

Through the woods!

I wish I'd eaten more at my final meal.

We've got...

How much more light have we got?

We have...

4pm. Right, we've got 45 minutes till sunset.

-OK.

-Not that there's any sun to fricking set.

-So, we have 45 minutes

-to get to Klomino.

-We can do it easily.

So that's all the more reason to get into Klomino.

-All right, OK.

-Blend in with the locals.

We might have to change what we're wearing.

We might have to change what

-we're wearing.

-Find some food.

-Let's do it.

-Let's go into town.

All right, I just tweeted, "Is anyone from Klomino?"

Someone's just said I look like a feral Robin Hood.

-Someone's just tweeted.

-What does it say?

"It's a ghost town, bro."

-What?

-Like, no-one's here.

That is Klomino right there.

So, the area was abandoned ever since the Soviet Union left, 1992.

We're trying to hide amongst the population

and we've picked a fricking ghost town.

No wonder no-one's replying on Twitter from,

"Who lives in Klomino?" No-one does.

This is insane.

We've got ourselves stranded in a town that's a ghost town.

No-one lives here.

If it wasn't for the fact that we are being chased

by really aggressive guys with a dog, I'd be into this.

We've got sunset in 15 minutes, Maz.

-Yeah.

-We need shelter.

Can I really not persuade you to duck into one of these?

What, inside one of these things?

-In one of those.

-Nah, man.

I know we're being chased and that but this ain't safe.

How long is it since the alarm went off for the dog pursuers?

Like a while, a while ago.

What about this one? Look. That looks a bit more stable.

Come on, Maz, try it. Probably locked anyway.

-Oh, I don't know, bro.

-Let me try it. It's open.

-Whoa.

-Oh, it's a shadow.

Did you see that? I shit myself!

It's just a shadow, it's just a shadow.

Oh, my gosh. Hello?

What the hell? It's a toilet, yes!

Hello, look at this one. This was fully someone's home once.

-Look at this!

-This place is dingy, man.

This is bleak.

Oh, my God, there's kid's stuff on this door.

IMAGINARY CHILDREN'S LAUGHTER

Just keep looking out for stuff we can use.

It's locked. There's rooms that are still locked.

-Hello? I don't know what that is.

-What?

-Is it... Is it opened?

-No.

Some of it's... Some of it's spoiled and empty but these...

I don't know what's in them but...

Let's get all the good stuff and let's see what we've got.

What the hell is in here? I dread to think.

Oh, my gosh, it's getting scarier.

I don't know what kind of party went on here

but if it involves an armless doll and tuna, I don't want to go.

I really don't feel like we're alone up here, do you?

We're hiding in the top of a derelict building

in north Poland, erm...

being hunted for by dogs and security.

It's as bad as it sounds.

This place is like crack den, Blair Witch -

it's all of your worst nightmares.

-Crack in this corner as well.

-But we're not looking for sympathy.

What we're looking for is practical advice.

"There's a ghost." Please, don't. You're not helping, Jess.

People have got a problem with us being in

the loft cos we're trapping ourselves at the top.

Thank you, Dan. Thank you. Who's that?

-I can hear a car.

-OK guys, thanks very much for helping.

We've got to go. Thank you.

(Get out.)

(Go, go.)

-RUSSELL KICKS SOMETHING

-Oh, I'm so sorry!

SIREN BLARES

-OVER TANNOY:

-We know you're in here. Come out.

It's the police! It's the police!

You've been hunted down.

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, God, I'm shitting myself.

We know you're here.

-There they are.

-Come out.

We need to get out of here, man.

We're trapped in this room. Go, go, go!

DOOR SLAMS

Do you want us just to stand still for a second?

Thank God we didn't stay in the loft.

We'd have been absolute toast up there.

Honest, man.

If someone hadn't have suggested,

"Get out of the loft," during that chat...

Thank God for David Streams from Southend.

Maz, check this out.

This one's looking the best of a bad bunch.

-No way, there's a fireplace.

-Yes, we can start a fire.

NOW we can start a fire.

So, I've... I've tweeted out,

"Does anyone have any urban-survival advice?"

-Yeah.

-"We're in a derelict building."

-Yeah.

-There's some jokers out there. "Order a takeaway." "Go to a hotel."

I've got a Skype contact here.

Someone who's saying he's into survival.

Let's give them a call.

-SKYPE DIAL TONE

-Yo! This guy looks militant!

He's got the gun and everything.

-Yes, brother.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-I'm Russell. This is Maz.

-How you doing, man?

-And, erm... Thanks for responding online.

It's going to get a bit cold in here, -2, -3.

What's the best way to warm this room up?

We've got a fireplace there but how do we do it?

Right, well your main problem with the fire is going to be getting it

started in the first place. Now, you have to have a look around.

-Is there anything you think you could start a fire with?

-Oh.

We have some stuff in this bag, you know.

Well, there's cardboard... There's cardboard all over the flat.

-We've got batteries.

-Batteries? What can you do with that?

Is there a kitchen nearby that you could...

Yeah, there's like old stuff all over it.

You could go in the kitchen, have a look for some steel wool.

-That's really useful.

-How does the steel wool and batteries create

-a flame?

-So, when you touch the nine-volt battery

with the steel wool, it will conduct through

and, just like a fuse would in your house,

-it would burn through.

-Ah. Right, OK, cool. How old are you?

-I'm 15 at the minute.

-15!

-What?!

If the shit hits the fan, can we call you back?

If you want to, any time.

-Thank you very much, Sam.

-We'll definitely be tapping you up again.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Bye.

-Let's go do it.

Is there any cupboards in any of the rooms?

Can you remember when we were running around frantically earlier?

I think downstairs, you know.

CLATTERING

This is like the worst shopping spree I've ever been on.

-POLISH ACCENT:

-Welcome to Polish Supermarket Sweep.

Mate, we've got the whole place to search, like,

-I wouldn't waste time in there.

-Maz, the floor...

is covered with stuff in here.

Ah. Oh, bro.

Yes, yes. Look at this.

Found some? No way!

-Steel wool, man.

-Well done.

I can't see how it's going to work.

-We'll use this.

-Careful, mate, it might be really flammable.

-Yeah! It's working!

-It's working! Whoa.

What you talking about?

Now, look at that, look at that.

-That's what I'm talking about.

-It's starting to warm up already.

-We made a fire.

-I can't believe it.

Like, we've gone from zero to flame just from Skyping someone.

I absolutely rule. Because of my adrenaline I'm only just starting to

-notice now how hungry I am.

-Yeah. We don't have a tin opener.

-It's a mystery what's in it.

-Oh, OK, I've found a YouTube video.

OK, that was quick.

I'm going to utilise the concrete behind me and file

this lip down, allowing the lid to pop off freely.

Looks simple enough. Just got to rub a tin on a hard surface.

-There you go.

-How hard could that be?

I'm burning more calories than I'm going to get out of the tin.

I got a bit of juice coming out of this, not even joking.

When you start to smell it and see it,

you go into like this animal frenzy, don't you?

Oh, my God, I'm so nearly in here.

Yes! Maz, look at that. 100% mantelpiece open.

Unbelievable.

-What is it? Spam?

-No, I don't know.

-Is it Spam?

-That is so far from being the animal it once was.

We need all the energy we can get.

Slam that on the fire and get it going, man.

-Let's go.

-I can't imagine Bear Grylls putting up with this crap.

He would've... He would have hunted a wild Spam.

Bear Grylls would be sleeping outside.

All right, are we really going to eat this?

It's just like...what I imagine cat food to taste like.

We have fed ourselves on data.

-Yeah.

-We're topped up.

When you haven't eaten in so long, anything will do.

Maz, we've got food, warmth and shelter.

-We do.

-We need to get some rest.

-Yeah, man.

-I can't even think, I'm so tired.

-All right, then, bro.

-Let's bed down in here, yeah?

-Yeah, man.

-Well done today, mate.

-Night, bro.

No, seriously, you've kept me going.

Sleep tight, man.

Maz, wake up.

MAZ GRUMBLES

Did you not sleep well?

Really? I slept great.

The floor's so hard.

Do you think so? I thought it was quite nice.

I've actually overheated in these sleeping bags in -5.

Hey, the fire's still going.

I know.

Someone said, "Why are you still there after sunrise?

"You should have left at first light."

I didn't even think of that. We're sort of sat around with a neon arrow

going, "We're here." Dude, we need to pack up and go.

We've got to do this all again today.

Again. I'm checking out.

See you guys soon.

Right, let's go, man. Come on. Hurry up.

All right.

He's saying we should gather what we can find,

anything useful in this area while we're still here.

Oh, wow. I've never been in a building this derelict.

-This is next level.

-I'm taking photos, brother.

-Nothing.

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

-Nothing in there?

-Oh, look, there's a giant penis on the wall.

Nice. Just wait.

What's that?

Might be able to use that for something.

Maz, come on, man, get a bit of pace on.

-These look pretty useful.

-We can cook on these.

If we get a fire going, we can cook on them.

PHONE VIBRATES

Are you getting a phone call?

Hello.

Hello.

It's a shame you didn't get us yesterday

when we successfully evaded you. Move. Move, move, move, move.

Right, he's on to us and I've just really annoyed him.

-All right, let's go.

-Move. Move.

-I have an idea.

We should use these as camouflage, right?

Yeah.

There you go. So, we'll be able to hide nicely.

We need to get moving, man.

I think we have to head this way.

Just trod on my own camouflage.

Look, so what's in there?

Ha-ha! Ha!

Are you kidding? You've got to be shitting me!

Are you insane?

Are you insane?

-What is this? Like an old soviet bike or something?

-Yeah.

Erm...Maz, Maz, Maz, Maz.

Oh, God.

Huh?

-Maz, you should have camouflaged.

-Do you speak Polish?

-Oh, no, English.

-English.

Hello, I'm Russell, nice to meet you.

We're doing an experiment in Poland, friend of the UK.

We are trying to survive for three days using only our smartphones.

Is this your bike? Would you be able to help us?

I don't understand.

We'll translate. I have some Polish fans.

Bear with me.

-All right.

-Are you just calling a girl that you know in Poland?

-Hello?

-Hello.

Hello, it's Maz from Twitter.

Oh, hi, Maz.

Basically, we've ran into someone and I need you to help me translate.

Yeah, of course. I will help you.

Basically, I need you to ask this guy, "Is this his bike?"

Hello.

-No way.

-Jackpot.

Thank you very much. That's very generous.

-Thanks, man.

-Thank you.

-Are you...are you a hunter?

What's that gun...the gun for?

The guy, he is here because he's hunting in the area.

-Has he found anything?

-He has a rabbit.

-Are you kidding?

-It's a bit awkward

but would we be able to trade something for the rabbit?

Guys, he said that if it will help you out, he can give you the rabbit.

-Yes!

-You will have to skin it yourself

-because it's not skinned.

-We can deal with that.

Thanks very much, man, that is big. Oh, my God, that's heavy.

It's the size of a cat. That's big. Thank you very much.

He's given us a rabbit for dinner.

-Nice.

-How do you say thank you in Polish?

-Dziekuje Ci.

-Dziekuje Ci.

-Nie ma za co.

-Thank you very much.

-I wish you luck.

-I'm glad we bumped into you.

-Aw!

-We got a rabbit. Yes, mate. Thank you, bye-bye.

-Thank you very much.

-I can't believe we got away with that.

-Wicked.

-Do you know what model it is?

-Yes, it's the Enfield.

-Oh, this is an En... This is an Enfield bike?

-Yeah.

How to kick-start a Royal Enfield 500 Classic.

That's... Bro, look.

This is a 2001 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 and that

right there is the tickler valve.

I've found that if you just push it down one time before you start it,

-it starts up real good.

-Bang.

-Where?

-Tickler valve.

-Where, where, where, where, where?

I'll demonstrate the kick-start procedure now.

The tickler valve. The key in the ignition.

Nah, we just need the tickler valve.

Oh, you have to turn the fuel on there.

-Where? Ah, I see.

-Turn that to plus.

-Where, where, where? This?

-That, yeah.

-A-ha!

-Turn the choke all the way on.

Oh, the choke. Turn the choke all the way down.

OK. Hold on. I've got to pump this once or twice.

The carburettor is pumped.

-Choke is down.

-Yeah.

-Fuel is on.

-Now try it. Yes, mate!

-ENGINE STARTS

Go on! Yes, go on!

I love you, internet.

I'm like the real boys.

I've never been on a motorbike in my life.

-Never?

-Never been on one.

-Do you want to drive?

-No.

MAZ LAUGHS

-Do you know how to drive a bike?

-Yeah.

-Oh, my good God.

-Oh!

-Aww!

HE STALLS MAZ LAUGHS

We moved this much!

-Yeah!

-Maz, please promise you'll go slowly.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, I promise.

-BIKE STALLS

-Oh, God. Oh!

-I'm so confused.

BIKE STALLS

-Nothing's working.

-The key to survival is the mentality, brother.

ENGINE STUTTERS

Shit.

Oh, shit!

Argh!

Ugh.

They'll never catch us on this thing.

-Innit?

-They certainly won't catch us alive.

I hate this. I hate it!

# Come on... #

Wa-hey!

Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom.

Oh. I genuinely hurt.

It is getting dark. The temperatures are going to drop hard, bro.

We need shelter.

-What's the plan, then, Russell?

-Find us some shelter.

That's my priority. Seriously, I can't feel my hands.

All right, let me pull over.

I'm just going to wait for my legs to start working again.

-It'll be about half an hour.

-Yeah?

-I'll catch you up.

OK, I'm going to jump off.

I think it froze when I wee-d myself when we hit that bump.

Are you going to eat the rabbit?

-Yeah. Oh, my God, it's gone stiff.

-Rigor mortis has kicked in.

Urgh! Is that cos it's frozen or rigor...?

-I don't know.

-Oh! It's a bit of both.

-It's a little bit of both there.

-So messed up!

Got to respect this dude. He's given a life for our dinner.

Right, I'm going to try and respect...

respect it even though I just made an...

Oh, my God, why won't it stop bleeding?

It's been dead for ages.

-It's horrible to...

-Just throw him over your shoulder.

It's weird. This really makes you... think twice about eating meat.

Yeah.

We just need to find somewhere we can make a fire.

-Just go in a little bit.

-Oh, up here. Here looks good.

Oh, God. What the hell is that?

-Ah!

-There's a little door in.

My gosh. It is very legit.

Do you reckon that's safe to go in?

Only thing is...there's a hole in the roof clearly.

-Are you kidding?

-Let's get out of here, Russell.

There might be other buildings.

-Is that someone's house?

-Holy smoke.

It's like before just bigger.

-What is it? Is it concrete?

-Yeah.

Go... It's warm down there, you know.

-What is it, though?

-Feel the heat on your face

when you put it down there.

It might be heat from some, like, chemical or something.

It's buried in the ground. It's a bunker.

"Soviet bunkers...

"..Poland."

Yeah, look, look, there's pictures of them.

"Ghost town, bunkers, nuclear-rocket storage.

"The soviets left some places that were originally never meant to be

"discovered." "Cities that do not exist.

"Polish...Poland's biggest secrets."

It's an old nuclear...

paranoid nuclear bunker that they built when they thought the world

was going to explode at the touch of a button.

-How far's the drop?

-It's not far.

History, I'm about to enter you.

MAZ LAUGHS

Nothing more.

I'm going to casualty, I can feel it.

This is cool!

Oh, wow!

Look at this.

This screams Area 51.

-There's lots of little rooms in there.

-Wow.

How far does this go?

This is insane.

That's legit, man.

Even if they get in here, do you know how easy it would be to hide

from them in here? There's so many nooks and crannies.

Oh, you're right.

The soviets left these places and

they were never meant to be discovered.

Of course, the Soviet Union collapsed in the '90s

and, bang, here we are.

Why do people draw phalluses everywhere?

Even in a nuclear bunker.

We've just found a place for the night.

It is an underground bunker.

We reckon some military stuff

happened back there and we kind of have to

keep our voices down because we're being hunted by crazy people.

(Still being hunted by crazy people.)

-SIREN BLARES

-Shit!

(Just stay in position, stay in position.)

(I can't hear anything.)

(Unless they've driven away. It's a good place and they're obviously not

(aware of it or they definitely would have searched it,

(just as a matter of course.

(I think we're safe to light the fire now. What do you think, Maz?)

Where were we? Rabbit stew.

My head's like...pfft.

Did you get any...replies or anything about how to, erm...

How to skin a rabbit?

-Yeah. I did drop a tweet.

-Did you drop a tweet?

-What were people saying?

-"Cut it into pieces, lots of veg, slow cook,

-"add cinnamon - lovely." Erm...

-I wish we had seasonings.

I think you missed the point.

"With a strong heart, a sharp knife and a big bowl.

"Get rid of the icky bits."

"First you need to skin it." I know that. How do you skin it?

I've got a video.

What is that?

Rabbit from Warren.

Conventional methods for cutting rabbit - knife.

-Don't use a knife.

-Wow!

-Give it a swing.

-I can't even...

-I ain't doing that.

-I can't even watch that.

We're going hungry tonight.

That is wrong. Nah, hell no!

Drop legs, squeeze, nice bulge.

Get it back,

-squeeze.

-No.

Maz, I'm... I actually can't do that, guys.

Oh, my God.

One rabbit gutted, no knife.

Fam, look at this.

-Are you going to do it?

-No, I'm not doing that.

This is putting me off meat...

hard. Hard. Like, immensely.

No, but I'm a meat-eater so I don't want to be hypocritical

but I can't do it in that way.

-There's something barbaric...

-Right, I've got one here.

"How to prepare a rabbit."

Right, OK. Who made the video?

All right.

The guy that made the video is obviously

the most British hard man I've ever heard of in my life, so...

-Shall we...shall we Skype call him?

-Let's Skype call him.

Hello?

-Hello, mate, you all right?

-Hello, how are you doing, man?

Hi, it's Russell, Maz.

-Nice to meet you, man.

-How you doing, boys?

We haven't eaten all day but we blagged from this hunter the biggest

rabbit I have ever seen.

Maz can't even touch it so I'm the only hope.

You've just got to lay it on its back with its back legs open.

-OK.

-Pinch a little bit of fur, yeah?

A little between your thumb and finger.

Just like that. Then just with a knife, make a little nick and

just gently go under that fur all the way to its neck.

This is horrific.

-Don't think about it, man. Just do it.

-All right, thanks, man.

-Cheers, Scott.

-I'll give it a go.

Thank you very much. Cheers for the help, buddy. Have a good evening.

-Bye-bye-bye.

-Bye.

-Well, Russell.

Right. God, I'm dreading this so much.

This is genuinely upsetting me.

Ah! All I'm doing is pulling fur out.

It's as gross as anything.

I don't want your life to be taken in vain.

Oh, my God!

Here, put that down there, Maz.

Ah!

OK. Oh, my God.

Oh, wow! Oh, the bum looks like a cat, it looks like a cat.

It's not a cat, it's not a cat.

How do you get the bum bit off?

-I don't know.

-Maz, you're no help at all.

Can't do it morally.

I don't want to cut its pants off.

-Look at this, man.

-HE GAGS

I don't what I'm doing.

Oh, shitting shit-shits!

I think I'm going to vomit when the tail comes off.

-Oh, come on.

-Man, that's gross.

What is that? What the hell is that stuff?

-Is that fat?

-That is horrible, man.

I just cannot do it. I just...

I wish my wife hadn't given birth in the last three months because

it's really freaking me out this whole thing.

I'll go full Rambo.

Come on, you bastard.

Oh!

One leg.

Are you sure I can't...?

Persuade me to eat this?

-Yeah.

-100% not.

Are you telling me that doesn't just look just the same as Nando's?

-I'm not messing with the meat like that.

-No.

-I can't eat that.

OK. Very chicken-like...

..in the look.

That is delicious.

I can tell you now, when you're this hungry, it tastes amazing.

I lost my appetite when you started pulling off his legs.

Blagged this off a hunter

-and skinned it...

-Yeah.

-...cooked it...

-Yeah.

..and we're still free, we haven't been caught.

Mmm.

All right. Let's get our heads down cos I'm tired.

I'll see you in a bit. I'm going to finish up here with the meat.

-CHUCKLING:

-Night-night, man.

Mm.

I've never ridden on a motorbike or in a sidecar,

I've certainly never skinned rabbit and I've never been to a nuclear

bunker. It's been a day of firsts.

So, I'm falling asleep happy with myself

but a bit numb and a little bit trepidatious about what's going

to happen tomorrow.

Just check the area first, man.

The point of this project is to use the smartphone in any way we can

to survive, so last night Maz and I used our phone

to call one of the drivers

to just take us back to the film camp,

which is about 40 minutes away and then get dropped back here before

sunrise. The crew obviously don't know that,

so I'm feeling a little bit fresher than I'm letting on.

When would you ever get to see something like this ever?

No. Poland has been the stomping ground of...

of history for the whole 20th century.

Fascism, communism...

I always fell asleep in history class, so...

In these trenches, probably,

Polish people and Russian people

joined together to fight off the Nazis at

their last stand in 1945.

So we're standing at the very place that enabled our freedom.

If fascism had taken over, the Nazis had taken over the whole of Europe,

there would be no freedom of speech.

Any sort of discourse where you go on YouTube and give your opinion

-definitely would not exist.

-My gosh.

-That's mental, innit?

-When you think about it like that.

-Yeah.

Learnt all about this in history class, you know, but...

I wish I'd paid attention.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-It's the trench! Go, go, go!

-Oh, my God!

-It's mental, innit?

IMAGINARY MACHINE-GUN FIRE

Get out of here!

Bang-bang-bang! Grenade, gun, boom!

Ready? Back to the trench.

I provided, like, the boring academic lecture

and then you acted it out.

Wicked.

-We are still quite a way away, you know?

-Yeah.

We know they're nearby. We're going to strike across ground.

We're going to loop back on ourselves and, if we can,

we're going to hit that tank memorial

before the hunters and if we do that, smartphone wins, hunters lose.

We've got to zigzag, Russ.

I'll do the zags, you do the zigs.

I get tired after about ten seconds of activity.

I'm knackered, man.

Right.

-How far are we away?

-We're too far.

-Oh.

-We're on the outskirts of town.

We just need a bit of a boost to get in.

Let's see if we can get any vehicles round here.

Vehicle hire near me.

Oh, good shout!

-Good shout.

-Look, military vehicles.

Maybe we could blag some jeep or something.

-Hello.

-Hello, erm, do you speak English?

Yeah, yeah.

Hi, erm, we're doing an experiment with the BBC

where we need to arrive at the Tank Memorial in Borne Sulinowo.

But we need a vehicle to get there.

Would we be able to blag a lift from you guys?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes!

That's what I like. They don't waste words, Polish people, do they?

"I will do it."

How mad that the only vehicle you can hire in a Polish town

is a military one.

Stop doing stuff like that, man, it's making me look really bad.

Ouch! Right, this is where it should be, the pin...

He's shared with me. He says right here in this area.

Right here?

Let's wait in the trees just in case.

Shall I climb this tree for some higher ground?

-I can hear something.

-(I can't see anything, Russell.)

I can hear something that doesn't sound like a car.

That does not sound friendly.

Mazzi Maz is in a tree. I'm hiding in the bushes.

VEHICLE APPROACHES

Oh, this is us!

No way! This is way, way beyond Uber.

Oh...

shit!

-Oh!

-I'll call you back.

MAZ LAUGHS

-Oh, my God!

-Hey, you order taxi, yeah?

-Nice one, man.

-Yeah, we have only this one.

Hey, how you doing? I'm Russell, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, bro. Nice to meet you, man.

This is amazing.

I want to see what the Alsatian's going to do

when it's faced with that.

-Oh!

-I just want to inspect the goods.

Oh. OK.

This is mental. I can't believe we're about to get in a tank.

-ENGINE REVS

-Woo! Are you scared?

-No, no.

-I'm fine.

-Woo! Let's get it going, let's get it going, let's do...

MAZ LAUGHS

Let's do this.

Argh!

Ah! Oh, my Go-o-d!

Oh!

Oh...

-Ahhh...

-Oh, God.

Ahhh!

You'll never guess what. You'll never guess what.

-On a tank.

-Ah! Shit!

-Russell, how you feeling, brother?

-Yeah, great(!)

Oh, my God, what are you doing?

There's the town. I can see the town.

The warmth.

Coolest way to arrive in town.

There is city. OK?

-The city's over there?

-Yeah.

-The city's alive.

All right, then, Russell. You heard the man.

-The city's over here.

-Bye.

-Let's go, bro.

-All right, then.

-It's actually a full-on city.

Whoa.

20-minute walk from here.

-Let's go.

-Oh, we're going in the wrong direction.

-That's handy(!)

-Are we going the wrong direction?

Yeah, let's go this way. It's this way. Hey, pick up the pace, man.

Er...

Let's take a short cut. I ain't got time for this, take a short cut.

Are we going the right way, Maz?

This ain't right. Nah.

-Let's go this way, come.

-He's leading us.

-That's what's worrying.

-Sorry, I had to backtrack again,

we're going this way. Sorry, sorry.

I really don't want to fall over.

-You good, Russell? How you keeping up?

-We've got so much energy

and exhaustion invested in this.

It's really important we complete this mission.

Mate, I'm feeling the buzz right now, I don't care.

I will run and be sick at the finish line rather than just stand around

and get caught. So, just go.

I'm trying to combine thinking with running.

We're are almost there!

I don't understand why you want to hide when the finish line is there.

I want to weave in between them and this.

When we're two seconds from the finish line?

I would be willing to bet there's some sort of ambush waiting.

I think what's going on here is I'm trying to use

the strategic stuff and Maz

is using the speed and attack stuff,

and what we need to do is combine both those approaches.

Tank Memorial.

-Statue.

-HE SPEAKS POLISH

-This.

-Yeah, show him the photo.

-Ah!

-Do you know where it is?

-Prosto.

-Cool. It's this way.

-A-ha!

Shh! Come! Come, come, come, come!

Stake it out a bit first. Jesus.

I'm saying quick sprint, quick run. We dash for it. What's the worst?

All right. Are you ready? All right.

Let's go. Go, go, go! Fuck this, bro!

-Bang!

-Yes!

-Bang!

Told you. Told you.

-Told you.

-Dumping the kit was the way forward.

-Mate.

-We're here.

Woo! A-woo!

Commiserations.

Pow! We just...

We just won by running in the wrong direction like dicks for 15 minutes.

-High five.

-High five!

Whoa, whoa, get this dance, get this dance, get this dance.

Mission complete.

-Yeah, we did it.

-Don't do anything you'll regret.

THEY LAUGH

Woo!

Thanks, man.

Yes. We went in a tank. We travelled in a tank.

-No way. Ah!

-You let us win?

They let us win.

This is insane.

I don't want to cut its pants off.

Oh, shitting shit-shits!

THEY LAUGH

They let us win.

Thank you.

-Thanks, man.

-Thank you, man. Thank you, bro. Thank you.

-Thank you, bro.

-Thanks a lot.

-Thank you for letting us win.

I always say that when I lose.

-The smartphone...

-We'd be dead without it.

Yeah, we'd be dead without that smartphone.

No maps... This ain't right, nah.

-..no riding that bike...

-Ah!

-No riding that tank!

-..no getting the tank...

Ah!

..you wouldn't know how to take the legs off a rabbit.

Ugh! I don't know what I'm doing.

It's been a whole new perspective, man.

I am a tree.

It's been emotional. Everyone in, we'll do the selfie first, here.

Ready? Three, two, one.

And now I'm going to have one or two drinks and I'm going to

break dance till my pelvis fractures.