Costa Rica: Desert Island Stupid Man, Smart Phone

For centuries, explorers have battled with Mother Nature.

Now, pampered comedian Russell Kane...

Aaah! It's freezing!

-..wants to join their ranks...

-I miss my mum.

..by tackling extreme survival,

-with just...

-HE GROANS

-This.

-A mobile phone?

I use my phone for everything.

Turn the choke all the way down.

Got billions of users around the world.

The web has all the answers.

It's here on the map. That's it there!

Joined by the internet's brightest stars...

-Oh, my God! I'm a Jedi!

-..and their legions of followers...

Going to get difficult.

I don't think the production team are always going to be taking it

that easy on us.

Together, they'll face the worst that nature can throw at them.

Russell! I just want to know that if we get bitten by something,

we've got the antidote.

Oh, God. Yeah. The team will ensure that we're safe and that we always

have internet reception.

They're accompanied by a barely-helpful crew...

Please. Come on, guys.

..who'll be throwing in the odd curveball.

The door doesn't close.

They'll use their signal...

-We got a bag of poo.

-..for survival.

-Light the bag! Who said that?

-Yes!

-Whoa! I love you, internet.

This time, it's internet versus desert island...

-Buenos dias.

-Buenos dias.

..as Russell is marooned on the Costa Rican coast with Olympic snowboarder Jenny Jones.

Teamwork.

Together they'll try to survive the harshest environment yet

and escape back to civilisation.

-I can't do it.

-Godspeed, stupid man.

OK, I'm in Costa Rica, halfway round the world.

I've no idea where we're going.

I've no idea where we're going to stay.

I've no idea what we're going to eat.

It's the equivalent of a lift door opening, stepping in,

thinking an elevator's going to be there and it isn't,

and just going like that...

I'm going to rendezvous with Jenny Jones, who is this bad-ass snowboarder. Olympic medallist.

So, she's at least...

Going to have someone that's slightly manly on the trip,

cos that ain't going to be me.

Jenny Jones.

Help has arrived.

-Hurray!

-You're here to save me, I hope.

Or do you not... Do you know anything?

It's Costa Rica. It going to be amazing.

I like how lightly you've packed.

Yeah, but at least I didn't bring a wheelie bag.

At least I've got stuff.

We've got to look for a boat that's got a Costa Rican flag on.

That's more than I know.

I think it's that one.

Come on. Let's see if it's the right one.

Oh, man. This is getting real. Oh, that's him.

That's Bird. His name's Bird, the guy we're supposed to be meeting.

-Bird.

-Oh, OK. I feel like we should run.

-Buenos dias.

-Buenos dias.

-Buenos dias.

-Yeah, smashed it!

Thank you. It looks like Santa gave up.

MAN SPEAKS SPANISH

Gracias.

Shit.

Are you all right?

LAUGHTER

-Cheers, man.

-There you go.

-Rochas.

-Rochas. I think rochas is definitely rock.

Whoo!

I wasn't expecting you to go that fast.

What the hell is the mission going to be? Can you imagine?

I'm guessing we're crossing to that,

what looks like a genuinely uninhabited, desert island.

One thing I'm noticing already is that it's a really steep island.

It's a bit Jurassic Park.

Yeah.

Instagram them the video and say, "Can anyone translate this?"

OK, OK, OK.

We're supposed to find our way back.

From the middle of nowhere.

So, we have to go from here back to civilisation.

-Yeah.

-How must... Do we walk?

-Swim?

-No swimming.

-Can you get a bit closer?

Are there crocodilos here?

No.

Just jellyfish, sharks and eels.

Go, go! Vamos!

It's going all right.

ROCK MUSIC

Come here, poppet.

Good? You all right?

-I think so.

-Sure?

-Look how steep that is.

This is steeper than Ryanair's luggage fee.

Marooned on this desert island.

I feel like we need to get on with our mission.

OK, we should totally, like, action.

-OK? We got to do stuff now.

-Right, let's recover.

Let's have a bit of a drink of water in the shade.

-It's hot.

-It's so hot.

Oh, my God. How good does that feel?

-I know.

-I never felt pleasure at shade like that.

-Phone. Phone?

-Right, if this waterproof case didn't work,

it's literally the end of the episode.

-Get ready to roll the credits, yeah.

-That's fine. OK, phone's good.

-Phone's good.

-Phone's dry. My phone's actually dry.

-Right, if we're on an island what are we

going to... What do we need to do?

What do we actually need? What's most important?

The first thing we need is sustainable shelter

and something to drink, because I'm pretty thirsty.

-We've got limited water on us. Bang out a tweet.

-OK, yeah.

Anyone know how to make water on a desert island?

Or how can we find it, basically?

I'm halfway round the world.

An island off an island off Costa Rica.

It's 35 degrees, it's eight in the morning and I'm about to do survivalism.

I'm like Bear Grylls with no skills.

Help me!

Wrap plastic bag around foliage on trees.

What does that say about my legs? SHE LAUGHS

I didn't read that out, cos I didn't want to be rude.

Tell me what it says.

Lovely. Oh, hold on.

Someone's sent me a link. I've got something here, Jen.

-What, have you?

-Someone's sent me a link to a YouTube video.

I'm on a tropical island in the South China Sea.

I've got a parang. I've got a simple fishing kit and I need to survive

out here for two days.

I know I'm supposed to stay in shade for safety,

but what do you do when there's no shade?

How's it going?

-It's hot.

-It's so hot!

I know we need to find shelter and all of that, but...

-Yeah, no worries.

-But we want water.

-How do you make water?

-Find the coconuts.

-Coconuts, yes!

-Try, if you can, to find the young ones.

Unfortunately, they're the ones that are going to be, like,

the top of the tree. The older ones, you can drink them,

but they have more oil in them.

If you drink too much of it, it acts as a laxative.

-Thank you so much.

-Come to my memorial service.

-OK, cheers.

-Bye.

We'll be dead of dehydration

-if we don't get a coconut.

-Right, let's go.

Right, I'm going to change into some longer clothes, I think.

-Now that you're sunburnt, yeah.

-Yeah.

Use the phone. Research what type of food we should be foraging for.

-Yeah.

-Send out some tweets and then start foraging.

I'm going to scout for coconut trees.

Leave it to me. I'm going to make you believe in me.

-Good luck.

-Coconut city, here I come.

Ah, coconuts.

I'm going to have to climb up.

I just need a bit of rope or something

and then I think I can get up there.

Guys, I know we're not supposed to be cheating, but...

Has anyone got any equipment,

so I could get up here and look like a hero in front of Jenny,

because I've been out-Olympianed.

-Stick that on.

-Oh, for Christ's sake.

I recognise that. Argh!

That's hurt my nuts.

I need an ibuprofen for my testicles.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Jesus! Now what?

I'm up a tree.

About 18 feet off the ground,

with a harness that is pushing my balls so much.

I'm going to try and get the coconuts down now.

Wish me luck. I'll try these ones.

Russell definitely doesn't have survival skills, I'm sure,

but maybe he'll surprise me.

They must be, like, stunt ones.

-They're glued in.

-I've just got this horrible feeling that I'll have to,

like, I don't know, like, man up more and take charge.

Oh, my God. They're so firmly wedged in.

I'm not giving up. I'm just trying and failing.

Ah! Coconuts.

Oh, my God, I didn't even have to go up the tree to get them.

You bastard! What is it attached to?

There must be a steel rod going through the fucker.

I'm trying to actually go through the whole branch.

Oh, good, a tasty leaf.

Oh, look what I've just found.

That is fresh water, isn't it?

Yeah. Yes. Ah!

# Hallelujah... #

OK, I'm going back.

And I'm taking the coconuts.

# Hallelujah. #

I hate desert islands.

I hate this.

It won't come off.

Please, my balls hurt so much. Please let me come down.

Please.

That's the feeling coming back. It's always good when you can feel your legs.

I won't be taking that for granted again.

Guys, please just get the coconuts down, please.

You've got your footage. I had a good go.

And then just cut to me holding them or something like that.

Oh, my God. I'm walking like my nan.

Jen!

She's got some.

God dammit! Where did you get those?

-I thought you were going to be so impressed.

-I found them.

-Genuinely?

-Yeah.

-Up on the beach.

-Where?

-They were just on the floor.

Did you actually get those out the tree?

-Yeah, I got them.

-I'm genuinely impressed.

-Awesome.

-Yes, Russell Kane!

I know, mate. You'll make a snowboarder of me yet.

SHE LAUGHS

Jen, I've got an idea. Stand clear.

You have brought dishonour on the house of samurai.

Isn't that all just going to come pouring out?

-Right, let's see what we've got.

-Quick, quick, it's coming out.

I don't think there's much in there, babe.

-Go on.

-Oh, yes.

-Yeah!

That's all there is.

It's a modest harvest.

-Can I taste it?

-Yeah, go on.

It's actually all right.

If it bleeds we've got to kill it!

-Do you not want to drink some of this?

-I do.

Yeah, look at it.

-Does it taste good?

-Yeah.

It tastes exactly like what it is.

Wash it down with a bit of the old nectar.

That's better. That's better.

Oh, my God! The main thing I didn't tell you.

What?

There's running water.

-What?

-Like, off the rocks.

I can't believe I didn't tell you that.

I'm trying to get a tablespoon of fetid liquid out of a coconut

-and there's running water off a rock.

-I know! But I was...

Do you know what? I was actually more excited about...

That you'd got the coconuts down.

Jen, the sun is going down.

In about an hour's time,

there are going to be mosquitoes with tiny tables

and you're going to be on the menu. "This one looks nice.

"I've never had a snowboarder before, Gavin.

"How's it cooked? Rare."

-How about we head to that water source?

-Yeah, let's go.

That was a little moment of victory there, I enjoyed that.

It's only night number one and I'm completely broken.

Are we close?

Yeah, we are. This is sort of where the fresh water was.

-How the hell can you recognise it in the dark?

-Yeah.

-Where?

-Sort of over there, I think. Yeah.

Do you think this is not sketchy, walking through these leaves, no?

SHE EXCLAIMS

That hurt! There's a lot of little, erm...

creepy crawlies.

SHE SHRIEKS

Sorry!

-It's there. I just don't know what that was.

-What's that?

It's a scorpion. Oh, my God.

Oh, careful, careful, careful, careful!

Careful, careful. Is that how you spot them, then?

Yeah. What are you doing?

Oh. Jesus.

Oh, I'm not kidding, I don't like it.

-Is it poisonous?

-Oh, my God.

What do you mean "yes"? And then you're picking it up, you nutter.

Sorry. I just don't want to go there now.

We need like an emergency plan now.

I've got a guy here - Derek.

He looks like some sort of survivalist. Shall we call him?

-Yeah.

-Hey, how you doing?

-Good.

-Oh, what the fuck...

-What the fuck is that?

There's so many bugs everywhere.

There's scorpions and snakes on the floor.

So, basically, we're lost.

The sun's gone down, we're in pitch darkness, we're in deep...

-poo.

-Yeah, it sounds like you've got a bit of a problem, huh?

-Yeah.

-I would say, get a fire going first.

And that will stop the bugs?

OK, OK, OK, OK.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Do you know what I saw in one of the bags?

We've got one of those emergency flare things.

Bang. Straight into the fire.

But that's to rescue us if we get in real problems.

I'm boiling, I'm scared, come on.

Like a giant match. Awesome.

-Yes!

-Holy shit, it's like firework night.

Oh, this was such a genius idea, Russ.

Look at that. It looks like a witch's cauldron.

Come on bugs, what you got?

Well done, babe. High five.

-You lit a fire with a flare.

-I only held it in there.

Look at that. We've achieved something.

We have built a fire and we have lit it in a badass way.

There's a mosquito looking at your juicy flesh and one holding him back, going,

"It's not worth it, Gary. There's smoke all over the gaff."

Oh, my God, it's... It's so satisfying.

Thank you, Mr Flare. How's this for a plan?

-I know we've not had like proper food or anything...

-Mm-hmm.

..but we've got plenty of coconuts - really filling.

How about we just chow a bit of that down, sling the hammocks up,

go to bed, worry about it in the morning. I'm too tired to do anything else.

Yeah, let's get the hammock up, though, come on.

Let's do it, man. Let's just crash through it.

Today was horrific. It's...

Even though it was only a mere 14-hour day, it felt much longer.

The heat just drains it from you and then you've gone to bed,

too scared to go over to the poo tree cos we just found a scorpion.

So, I'm just going to go to sleep like this.

I'm exhausted.

Yeah, it's hard.

I don't want to drop below medium, so...

I'm not going to talk any more.

I'm just going to hold myself.

SHE CHUCKLES

OK, goodnight.

Oh, wait, can I at least just wipe my face?

So I don't look like a complete tramp.

OK.

Awful. It was an awful night's sleep.

At the moment, I'm still laughing but, I mean, that's cos of Russell.

I need some food.

It's great being married to a make-up artist.

Gives you licence to do all kinds of things you shouldn't do as a man.

Don't judge me, please.

I just pooed in a hole, let me have this.

HE SINGS

HE MAKES STRANGE SOUNDS

HE SINGS AGAIN

-There you go.

-What the fuck are you doing!

That was Indiana Jones. SHE LAUGHS

I feel like we need to get on with our mission.

We need to cut across the water to get back to where we came from.

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah. OK.

-Get back to a village.

But first of all, we need to pee.

I am genuinely so hungry.

I have bashed out a tweet about looking for food around here...

-Maybe... I don't know.

-We can go, like, pick something.

I don't know what. Crabs?

That's my total civilisation. That's what I can see, guys.

And if you think it looks beautiful, you're a bell end.

I'm so hungry. What can we eat around here?

Why can't you eat leaves? This is what I don't understand.

I love spinach, why can't I just eat that?

Why does it have to be so difficult?

What's this?

Take that, bitch-face.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, come on, baby.

You know those sort of, erm... those icing sugar peaks that you get on top of a pavlova?

Oh! Please taste like that.

Have you got one almond out?

I got an almond out! Please eat it.

-We'll just have half each.

-OK.

Oh, it is, though.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

Please help me. Someone send help.

I'm going to see if I can, erm... call my mum.

She's always got good advice in this situation.

What on a... What, is your mum often on an island?

No, but she's like, right, this is what you need to do.

-OK, go on, then.

-"Get your wet wipes out,

"tidy your bag and have you been through everything in your bag?

"Have you got a packed lunch?"

Hey, mum, how you doing?

-Look where we are.

-Wow!

We're on this desert island. All we managed to get yesterday was a

coconut, which we smashed open and got a tiny, like,

fetid bit of vile coconut water.

Oh, no, that sounds awful.

What do you think we should do? Dan, have you got any ideas?

-Get a stick and start fishing.

-Oh!

Yeah, what do you think? In the rock pools or something?

-No, spear a fish.

-Yeah.

Now we just need to know how to make a spear and how to do that fishing.

-Here we are. Spear fishing.

-Right.

-Right, he has got a fishing video.

What am I keeping my eyes out for?

-Carp.

-He's the type of guy, Jen, he would have you using me for bait.

It's all about camouflaging, becoming one with the environment.

You've got to blend in. I've managed to position myself near a log.

Look, he's just completely camo.

I love Aussies, they're nuts, aren't they?

'It's all about patience and perseverance.'

Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God.

-He did not get that.

Oh, look what he's done at the end.

That's not a stick. It's a knife.

-That's an actual knife.

-So, he's put a knife on the end of a stick.

-Yeah, he's put a knife on the end.

-We can do the same.

Excuse me, I'm just a fat fish full of... What? Death?

I'd be so stoked if we caught a fish.

-I'm doing it to say that we tried.

-No, we are going to catch a fish.

-No, but do you honestly believe that?

-Yeah.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, come on.

-That's the difference between our childhoods.

We're going to catch a fish!

"Everything will fail, boy, don't bother trying."

SHE LAUGHS

What was it like standing on the podium? Go on, tell us.

Tell us, tell us.

So, everyone thinks it's this really glorious thing, and it is,

but then this Russian bird - she's the lady that checks you for drugs -

and you go into, like, a Portakabin.

You have to wee before they give you a medal?

You go into the Portakabin and she's like, "Right."

I dropped my trousers like that,

pull up my top completely, like that.

Fully starkers. I've still got my snowboard boots on.

And she's like, "Stand on the toilet."

-She has to watch you wee?

-So, I'm standing on the toilet like this,

and she's like this...

All around me is mirrors.

Oh, my God, so your moment of glory is preceded by sexual humiliation.

Amazing! I didn't know that.

Hey, man, I'll just swim past this...

Ow!

Fish!

Ready? First test launch.

You might want to go on a wide.

Let's go and try and find lunch-slash-dinner-slash-breakfast.

Right, let's do this.

All I saw were these tiny, tropical fish.

I turned over rocks. I've been out deep, I've been shallow.

I don't know if it's the wrong time of day.

I don't know what it is. I don't know if Jenny's done any better.

I'm just seeing if there's any, like, hanging around

in these shallow rock pools.

Oh, my God.

Whoo!

Jen, what I'm going to do is get these into the shade,

hit social media, hit WikiHow,

find out if we can get a solution for cooking these,

-preparing these.

-No, I want to catch a fish.

We can still go back in.

I reckon...different time of day.

I can't believe how determined you are.

Jenny, come and say hello. We're on a live Facebook broadcast.

This is genuinely what she's just been doing.

Check this out, guys. She's been fishing with a spear.

I have to tell you something.

Has something really bad happened?

No, no, no, I'll tell you in a minute.

Oh, that sounds ominous.

In the shallows...

huge fish.

Like a kind of blowfish or something.

-Dead or alive?

-And I went...

It was like moving and I went in to get it and I thought,

"I can't do it."

-What?

-I couldn't do it. I couldn't... I couldn't stab it.

We're starving and you didn't have the courage to kill a fish?

I know, I... I just looked at it and thought, "So, er, why..."

Why wouldn't you keep it to yourself, the anecdote?

I found a raft earlier.

I forgot to tell you I found a raft.

-No, I found a raft down there.

-Don't be mad at me. Sorry!

And there was this raft already built and I thought,

"Do you know what? I just can't do it!"

And I just pushed it away, because I'm that sort of prick.

-Are you... Are you calling me a prick?

-Yeah.

Ah! You more than earned that.

You let breakfast swim off while you cried with sentimentality.

Chef Gennaro - it says here on his biog

that he trained Jamie Oliver.

I think he's like a celeb chef.

OK. So, go on, hit him up.

I hope he answers.

SKYPE DIAL TONE

How are you doing, all right?

It's very warm.

So, today we've been hunting for food.

We've got a snail and this...

And this!

It's a large limpet.

-Limpet.

-Yeah, limpets.

-That was stuck on a rock?

-Yes.

-Let's cook it. Do you want to cook it?

-Yeah!

-Have you got any olive oil?

-No.

-No.

Olive oil. You need some very good olive oil.

No.

We've... We've just about got loo roll.

Oh, my goodness me. All right. Have you got any garlic?

We've got nothing. We're doing survival.

No spaghetti.

Oh, this was a bad move, contacting an Italian.

We haven't got any wine.

Can we even just find out how we actually eat them?

We're poaching them in water and eating them plain.

Oh, my God, I just realised.

Oysters are aphrodisiacs.

Is it responsible of us to eat that?

Well, this one's still alive, it just closed when I touched it.

-Let's poach him.

-All right!

Aren't there supposed to be snails in here?

There's one.

They must have crawled out the bucket.

I would never have expected that, though.

Nature wins again.

OK. Snails are in.

How many times have you eaten oysters?

A few times but I normally eat them raw but there was no way I was going to eat those raw.

-So, you don't what they're meant to look like?

-Not really.

I do remember oysters being really safe if they're not cooked through.

#liquishit!

-I'd be up for trying a snail if you are.

-Yeah.

There's no way it's alive, put it that way.

-Here you go.

-Go on, go on, you've got it.

-Here he comes.

-Oh, wow.

-Whoo!

-Freshly-cooked sea-snail.

Here we go.

THEY LAUGH

Yeah, it doesn't really taste of much.

-Oysters, oysters.

-Right.

Oh, look, look what it's gone down to.

-Are you going to have half with me or not?

-I'm not sure I'm up for trying this one.

Otherwise, it's going to be just me that's horny, I'll be chasing you round the island.

I feel like a dragon sneezed on it.

Tough.

This has been a disaster, hasn't it?

Oh, it sounded so exciting, didn't it?

Eating oysters.

-I'll find us something.

-OK.

I would love to eat a lot of food.

It's just finding it all and sourcing it.

I'm just definitely thinking about getting off the island.

Look at the sunset, Russell, it's awesome.

It's just like watching an enemy go to sleep.

-Oh, no!

-It is.

Set, you bastard.

No, it's nice.

-Orange tosser.

-JEN LAUGHS

Jen - fishermen.

We'll probably be able blag a lift off the island.

Hola. Buenos tardes.

What can we get them to try and get the lift off the island?

Just give them you.

-Hello!

-Hello.

Yeah, but if we go in the boat, we won't have done it ourselves.

-We can't cheat.

-No, OK.

Maybe they've got some... They've got fish in there.

Una momento.

-Yeah, one minute.

-We translate-ori.

I'm just hoping that's a word.

"Teneis cualquier comida?"

Pesca! That's got to be fish.

-Pescatarian.

-Yeah. Fish. What kind?

What kind? Shut up!

I would eat a lobster covered in excrement right now.

I'm going in.

-SHE SCREAMS

-Oh! Maybe I don't want the fish.

-Is that an eel?

-Eel.

-Oh, my God.

-Jen, what have we got we can trade?

Have you got any money?

"Tengo las gafas de sol?"

Gafas de sol...

Mountain Warehouse.

Jen, he likes them.

In England we would say "fanny magnet".

You put them on, senoritas like...

You'll be driving down the high street.

See? We good?

Brilliant. The deal is done.

You tried them now. They're yours.

-Take it, go on.

-Oh, my God.

Wow, look at that.

Gracias, anyway. Run, run, we've got food.

Run. Muchos gracias. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

-Oh, my God.

-Oh, Jesus.

-Thank you.

-Welcome.

-Oh, my God, this stinks.

-Whoo!

Oh! Eurgh! I touched the gill and blood came out.

IN POSH VOICE: I mean, initially, when I went for the casting,

they said it was an extra part, so to be upgraded to a speaking role,

I was delighted. JEN LAUGHS

I'm going to build us a fire. Come on.

How to fillet an eel.

I honestly think I'm not even going to like it.

-Here we go.

-Head off.

Oh. Can you do that?

That's gone straight down the middle of it.

Straightforward enough.

At least it's an easy-shaped animal to process.

Thing about to get nasty.

OK, Anne Boleyn.

Right, head off.

Definitely do this hard.

-Oh, you're doing well.

-SHE RETCHES

Eugh!

Are you getting pictures of it?

I can't make eye contact with it.

Oh, my God, this is actually making me really feel ill.

It's just... The head's just flipped.

Don't. This isn't cool.

-Come on.

-I'm not doing it on purpose.

I'm hitting it with the machete... How hard is this fish?

Right, I'm going to go for it now. Stand clear.

THEY LAUGH

I'm crying and laughing at the same time.

-Oh, that's it.

-Yes.

-Right, now just...

-Here we go, fella.

See you later.

What are we going to do? Oh, we really got to gut that?

Oh!

You're doing it.

I'm not hungry at all.

A head shouldn't take that long to come off.

It really puts you off your meal.

I wish I'd got some rest.

Ready for raft building and stuff tomorrow.

Rather than attempt something I was clearly incapable of doing.

Toughest day of the series, no question.

I'm so hungry.

Do you think that's cooked?

-Is it good?

-Yeah, fine.

That's good.

In the morning when it's not too hot, we can build a raft.

-You're all right to do the washing up, yeah?

-Yeah.

Get me on the raft.

Make a raft. Get me on a raft.

This is so horrible.

I'm in a hammock in the dark in 40 degrees.

I'm hungry and homesick.

Awful. No energy to do anything.

I've had three hours' sleep last night.

I had to chop the head off this eel with a machete.

I was at it for five minutes, crying, just hacking.

It was just so horrible.

For this challenge, we have to build a raft and escape from the island,

which, as I have no skills, is almost impossible.

The thought of getting off here is intoxicating.

I don't know if Russell is actually going to be any good at building a raft.

But I frigging hope he is.

Who can we contact for raft building instructions?

This is desperate now.

'In my bag, I carry mostly 110-litre rubbish bags with me.'

OK, so, this guy is demonstrating how to build a raft

but he's using his survival bag.

-Oh, we've got those.

-And do you know what he's done?

He's blown... He's put air in them. So, he's like blown them up.

And now he's using them as floats.

-It looks really flimsy and...

-SHE LAUGHS

I'm not so sure.

I would take my luck on the flimsy raft

than staying on this hermit crab-infested,

howler monkey lump of dog poo.

I don't want to stay here another night.

We need, like, the wood to sort of put it together.

Where your watering hole was, there was loads of bamboo, wasn't there?

-Yeah, yeah.

-So, it's going to be even easier to hack about.

We've got loads of it.

-SHE LAUGHS Did you do that?

-Yeah.

Oh, no, you've developed an annoying amount of energy all of a sudden.

What are you doing?

-Oh, yes, bamboo city.

-Whoo!

That, right there, is our saviour.

Let's go.

Right, we might as well take the ones that are down, no?

-Oh, brilliant, there's a loose one there.

-Freebie.

Give it a bit more.

-No, man, those ones aren't going to move.

-Well done for trying.

Oh, my God, I've got a really...

How are you doing that? It's like butter when you do it.

-It's off.

-Whoo!

Whatever.

We can chop at least two sections like that.

Right, get into sections, do it.

OK. Keep going.

And then we can get two six to eight foot lengths out of it.

-Take that.

-I can do it as well.

-Yes!

-Humiliated by a girl for three days.

I'm stronger than a girl.

-Cool. Through that.

-Feeling all right?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nice.

Jenny, can I have my Ventolin, please?

SHE LAUGHS

-But really, do you want it?

-No.

-OK.

-No, I'm fine, I don't have asthma.

Right, let's go and build a raft.

-Raft.

-Do I keep saying raft?

-"Let's build a raft." Ooar!

-A raft!

I decided that we're going to make it like this.

-So it's a bit similar to the one in the video that we saw...

-Yeah.

-..where they put the air...

-It looks the same to me,

-I've got to be honest, but I'm going to trust whatever you say.

-OK.

Step one - what are your knot skills like?

Obviously I can tie my shoes, I nailed that one.

I was one of the first in my class.

Just throwing it out there.

Look, Pinterest.

-Brilliant.

-Knots.

It just has a drawing...

-..like that.

-How is that step one?

I know! How is that step one?

You're really determined once you set your mind to something.

I think if I was here on the island on my own,

I would have looked at that knot diagram and just cried.

God, I hate survivalism. It's literally boring.

Let's divide labour up properly.

You hit that and I'll do a selfie.

Look, when I'm behind the camera, he comes out when I do this...

How funny is that? Can you see that?

And... Peep-oh!

And... Peep-oh!

Peekaboo!

"The final half hitch may be located on top of the frapping turns,

"ie, add two more frapping turns in the form of a half hitch."

I know but I don't know...

Half hitch.

I am so chuffed that I have just done that.

I'm stoked!

It's all right, he brings other things to the team.

-Whoa.

-All right?

-We smashed that.

-Yeah.

Teamwork.

-This is the stuff we're going to inflate.

-Yeah.

-Oh, my gosh. Did it!

-Oh, my God, you've inflated it straightaway.

OK, I know I maybe shouldn't ask this but why did you bring that?

I thought it was be like, you know, like a beach holiday.

Not the trip I envisaged.

Finishing touch.

Right, shall we just tie this to here?

There it is.

Yes! That's not going anywhere.

-No, it's good, yeah?

-Yeah. This is wedged in.

We've achieved something.

That's the mainland over there.

Right, now to get off the island.

Absolutely pumped.

Yes!

It's so heavy!

Oh, my God, we're floating.

Right, the raft is launched.

Right, that over there...

-An hour?

-Yeah.

-Do you think?

-Yeah.

I can't believe we actually pulled this off.

Civilisation. That was just a word a few days ago.

Now it's a dream. Are you trying to fist pump me?

No, I was pointing the camera at you.

Oh, I thought you were fist pumping me.

I'm just checking the compass. Hold on.

This is where we need the waterproof case to work.

My phone's dry. My phone's actually dry.

This is west.

What a lovely broth I've made.

You know sometimes you leave somewhere and you think,

"Oh, we'll come back here one day."

I never want to see that place ever again.

Selfie time.

Let's get one of you bad-arse paddling.

Ready? Now.

That's a good one.

Where's the physio ball gone?

Shit.

We are against the clock here.

We've got sunset.

That's going to get pretty nippy when that drops behind those hills.

How are we going backwards? How?

Another night on the island, I can't do it.

I would rather swim.

I reckon we've got about 20 minutes of sun.

A limitless ocean and it's getting dark.

Pretty sure that's not a good combo.

I'm preparing myself for failure.

What do you think about getting towed from this point?

-Getting towed?

-Hold on, I'm sending a tweet.

"Can someone tow us?"

I'm thinking primarily of that boat right in front of us.

Please tow us.

Stop being dicks about it.

Please.

Please, come on, guys.

We could all be back at the hotel.

Go on, then.

Awesome.

-Thanks.

-Escape's going great.

We're ready to go, let's go.

I can almost smell civilisation.

We escaped off of the island, we've built the raft and we had eel,

shellfish. We built fires,

made hammocks in the camp.

What have we actually failed at?

I thought we did quite well.

Listen, there's certain things in life to reserve moral integrity for

and an experiment with a Smartphone is not one of them.

Civilisation, we've made it.

-Ooh!

-Ooh!

-THEY LAUGH

-Oh! That's so hard!

-Come on. Whoo!

Wait. Yes!

-Civilisation.

-Whoo!

Jesus Christ, you're so strong!

Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God, that is so good.

-Wow.

It so good to get off that island.

I can't believe we did it. We built that raft, we've escaped.

That is our biggest achievement right there.

I could not have done this without you.

-Your endurance, your spirit.

-Teamwork, teamwork.

-It's been... Yeah, I know, I did a lot of the strategy shit.

-Yeah, OK.

Handshake. Ooh, friend zone. SHE LAUGHS

Jenny and I clicked from moment one.

Very compatible sense of humours.

Whoa, whoa, I forgot how strong you are.

The good thing is, when one of us was down, one was up.

Ready? Yeah!

Please stop doing that. Please, stop. Oh, my God.

Stupid Man, Smart Phone

is definitely a very fitting title for this show.

Will this tree make me horny?

It was a victory overall.

We did a few tweaks and tucks here and there.

I'm not going to lie to you.

Producers got bored with watching us struggle

so reminded me we had one of these in our bloody backpacks.

Yes!

Every mission makes sacrifices for the greater good.

But the goal was achieved.

Goodbye, bastard island.

-Pretty chuffed with myself.

-Thank you, guys,

for an incredibly random experience.

I have laughed a lot the last few days.

I've been on that, erm... desert island peninsula bit over there.

No accommodation, nothing.

Built a raft.

On the third day, we... Cool.

Not everyone can handle survival tales, clearly.

LAUGHTER