Sacked That Puppet Game Show

Wo-ho-ho!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hey, HD!

Hey, Dougie!

OK, HD, I've finished the script.

-Oh.

-And we are live in...

I hate this pressure. I don't do my best work under pressure.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to That Puppet Game Show...

..with our experts...

Dr Strabismus, Amber O'Neil,

Miss Jemima Taptackle,

Eddie Watts, Jake Hamilton Jones,

and the amazing Ian!

With our contestants Katherine Jenkins and Jonathan Ross.

It's time for That Puppet Game Show!

Please welcome your host - Dougie Colon.

Hey, here we go!

Oh, yes, it's happening - it's Saturday night, or another night

-if you're watching on iPlayer.

-Get started early, Dougie.

-I know!

Hello and welcome to That Puppet Game Show.

Here's how the show works.

Two top celebrities go head to head over a series of rounds,

each masterminded by one of our experts.

They'll be prodded, pinched and pulled apart.

But all in a bid to win £10,000 for a charity of their choice.

So, without further ado, let's meet the brave contestants

putting themselves on the line tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome,

everybody's sweetheart, Katherine Jenkins

and the king of TV, Jonathan Ross!

APPLAUSE

Oh, here they are. How are you both?

-Hello. Good, thanks.

-Very well.

Welcome to the show, Katherine and Jonathan.

Beauty and the beast!

Are you all right, Jonathan?

What a terrible thing to say about Katherine, she's not bad looking!

Oh! You turned it around! You're such a pro!

Now, Katherine, I am a huge fan of yours,

I love all your recordings, but I love the opera stuff.

-Thank you.

-Are you thinking of moving into other ARIAS? Eh?

Other ARIAS! Hey, come on!

-Hold it, I'm still winded.

-Now, Jonathan.

-Yes?

When you're going about, well, your abnormal life,

-if I'm honest, parading around in your Spiderman costume...

-No...

..going to the sweet shop to buy a comic,

stroking your stinky old ferrets,

have you ever been thinking, which super hero

are you going to be like tonight?

The thing is I'm blessed with powers of my own.

-Are you really?

-Yes!

-What?

-Extraordinary abilities.

-What?

Some of which we can't talk about on a tea-time show.

-Oh.

-But I'd like to think I'm quick of wit.

-Yes.

-I'd like to think I'm fast of reflex.

-Oh, yes.

I'd like to think I have a powerful memory,

-so if there are any memory games...

-Right.

..I suspect I'm going to ace it.

Oh, right! Well, it's wonderful chatting to you both.

Round one now.

Let's find out which expert we'll be meeting first in a hunt for £10,000!

Music expert Eddie Watts!

Right then, over to you, Eddie.

Thanks, Dougie. Join me as we play Saucissong.

-Ah, well, hello, Katherine.

-Hello.

-And hello to you, Jonathan Ross.

-Hello there.

You're in for a right treat tonight because you'll get to hear

the musical talents of our six singing hotdogs.

They've been practising very, very hard this week,

knowing they're in such esteemed company, Miss Jenkins.

Oh, yes. So let's meet them now.

Come on, Hotdogs, make yourselves known.

Hello, I'm Huey Hotdog and I support Partick Thistle.

Hello, I'm Margaret, and I live for golf.

Hello, I'm Isla.

Hello, I'm Duncan, and I'll toss you like a caber.

INCOHERENT INTRODUCTION

I'm Hamish, and I fry anything, apart from a hotdog!

Oh, yeah. Makes perfect sense, yeah.

These hotdogs are very, very musical.

Listen carefully to this beautiful singing.

# But I would walk 500 miles

# And I would walk 500 more

# Just to be the man

# Who walked a thousand miles

# To fall down at your door

# Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da

# Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da

# Da-da-da da-da-da da-da-da da-da-da da-da. #

APPLAUSE

Yeah, beautiful. The crowd appear to love this,

Hotdogs, so well done you.

-Are you enjoying the Hotdogs?

-I love a sausage, me!

Yeah, and why not?

I'm holding myself right back now. They look delicious!

We need them, we need them. We need them, Mr Ross.

OK, this is the good part, though. Watch this. Hotdogs - shuffle!

OK, Jonathan, you are going to go first.

You won the coin-toss backstage.

What you need to do is squeeze each of these Hotdogs

in the correct order so they sing their lovely Proclaimers song.

But if you get one out of sequence you have to hand over

the barbecue tongs to Katherine Jenkins.

Remember, it's for charity, so give it your best shot.

-OK.

-Are you ready?

-Well, as ready as I'll ever be.

This is tough, though, because I don't know

-if you've ever tried to pick out sausages from behind.

-No.

No, it's very tricky, but, you know, let's play.

I'm thinking, OK.

Oh, look, he's hovering over you.

# And I would walk 500 more. #

AUDIENCE GROAN

-Good luck, Katherine.

-Jenkins is in the chair.

-OK.

# But I would walk 500 miles. #

-Yes.

-Oh, yes. Good.

That's good, Katherine. Yeah, keep moving.

# Just to be the man... #

Oh, no.

OK, back to Jon.

That sounded good, but not right.

# But I would walk 500 miles

# And I would walk 500 more

-# Da-da-da-da. #

-Oh!

You were making progress there!

Jonathan did get two right, though, so Katherine,

if you can remember those, you're off to a good start.

I'm going to become a vegetarian.

# I would walk 500 miles... #

I am a vegetarian.

# And I would walk 500 more. #

-# Da-da-da-da. #

-No!

I did it again!

This is a nightmare!

-OK, I've got it.

-I'm not playing this!

Katherine, I've got it. OK.

# I would walk 500 miles

# And I would walk 500 more

# Just to be the man

# Who walked a thousand miles

# To fall down at your door. #

One more.

-# And I would walk... #

-What?! What?!

That was all but one, Jonathan. You almost won the round.

Oh, my goodness. Katherine, Jonathan got five out of six there.

It was so close. You have got an amazing chance to steal.

Ok? So good luck.

Come on, Katherine, you've got to do it.

# Well, I would walk 500 miles

# And I would walk 500 more

# Just to be the man

# Who walked a thousand miles... #

Here we go.

No, I think you're going to go da-da-da-da.

No, he's da-da-da-da.

# To fall down at your door. #

# But I would walk 500 miles... #

Ah, you told me! You did that on purpose!

I did not, honest!

No, I can't do it now!

Hang on. Quieten yourselves, Hotdogs.

Ah! What's happening? No, don't trust Jonathan.

-Don't trust your opponent. It's a contest.

-Well, I know.

I wasn't, I wasn't doing it on purpose. I really don't know!

-Oh, OK!

-They've been in the whisky!

This is quite stressful.

What? You're not being squeezed by the tongs!

# I would walk 500 miles

# And I would walk 500 more

# Just to be the man... #

Nice.

# Who walked a thousand miles

# To fall down at your door.

AUDIENCE SHOUTING ENCOURAGEMENT

# Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da

# Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da da-da-da da-da-da da-da-da. #

Jonathan! Quiet, Hotdogs, quiet yourselves!

-Are you kissing them?

-Well, kissing stroke tasting.

OK, Jonathan, you put all six Hotdogs in the right order,

so er, you, er win the game!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you very much for playing Saucissong!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Mancie, my delivery didn't arrive this week.

I sent it back. What kind of game needs that much plutonium?

It's not for the game, it's for the after-show party!

The punch is always so weak!

All right, all right.

Mancie, Mancie, the boss wants to see you urgently.

-When did he tell you?

-Last Thursday.

Well done, Jonathan Ross there. And after that sideways look at music

it's time to check on the scores. Clyde, what have we got?

Wow, wow, wow, wow, what's with that sideways crack?

Is that some kind of a crab dig?

Oh, no, mate, not at all, no.

Ah, all right. I'm sorry, Dougie. My son's just driving me nuts.

-He wants to take a year off!

-A year off from what?

Exactly! Maybe he's taking a year off from sitting on his butt

playing computer games!

Tattooing some Zen phrase on the back of his neck!

What Buddhist is going to read his neck?!

Yeah, but moving on, Clyde.

All right, all right.

Er, scores are Jonny Whitecoat's got two,

Songbird nothing.

Right. Thank you very much, Clyde.

Hey, you wanted to see me sir?

Oh, Mancie. You need to trim some fat.

Er...you'd better be talking about from the show,

because I have been going to Tums, Bums and Thighs.

And do you go there to eat?

Er, with all due respect, you're the one with four stomachs.

Well, I am talking about the show.

We need to fire one of the experts.

Hey, we can't fire anybody.

Everybody here works their fingers to the bone!

Can you lads keep it down?

I'm trying to sleep here!

Ian, we're in the middle of an important meeting!

Yeah, well, I need my beauty sleep.

And tell that tale-swishing, cud-sucking boss of ours

-that I need a softer couch...

-Ian, Ian!

..cos that one, he probably thinks it is soft, the size of his butt!

Ian!

Ah!

Wow, what a terrible nightmare I just had!

Someone was insulting my boss, whom I revere so highly.

And, oh, hey, George Clooney, wow!

What a booking, Mancie, fantastic!

Oh, no, it's you, Mr McGhee!

Well, I'd love to stay and talk

and...but you know me.

Work, work, work! Work, work, work, ha-ha!

What the hell was that?

He's fine, he ticks a lot of boxes.

Now, it's really important you choose who goes. For two reasons.

Number one - you're the producer.

And number two - I don't know anyone's name!

Hmm...George Clooney, well, maybe I should grow a beard.

Mancie, Mancie, would it be all right

if I went home early today?

My grandfather died.

Amber, I'm your sister

and our grandfather died ten years ago.

Oh, all right, I want eyelash extensions,

it's what Grumpy would have wanted.

-Fine, just go then.

-Ha!

But you know all Grumpy really wanted was for you to wear a skirt

long enough that people couldn't see your underwear!

Well done, Jonathan Ross, you're shooting into an early lead!

-Thank you, give me five!

-Oh, go on, then.

-Thank you.

-Yeah, you have that!

But then again, you could be the hare and Katherine,

you could be the tortoise, we don't know...

-'at this time, do we?'

-Hey, I thought I was the tortoise!

HE TUTS

Originally, for that game, we were going to use One Direction instead of Hotdogs,

but Harry don't like being squeezed with tongs

and, to be honest, they weren't brilliant at holding the notes!

OK, so onto Round Two in our contest for the charity prize,

let's see who we've got next.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sport expert Miss Jemima Taptackle!

Well, welcome, Miss Taptackle!

You have a lovely rosy glow.

Have you been jazzercising?

Actually, I was pulling a lorry along with my teeth!

Wow! Were you up for the World's Strongest Woman?

No, I ran out of petrol.

Nice one! Celebrities, it's time to get sporty with it.

Take it away, Miss Taptackle.

Tonight, Dougie, we will be playing Punch Your Lights Out!

Right, in the red corner,

Katherine Jenkins,

with her trainer Seamus O'Platt!

Katherine 'Lung-Buster' Jenkins,

sings like a mezzo soprano

and fights dirty like Tony Soprano!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And in the blue corner,

Jonathan Ross with his trainer Nicky KO.

Jonathan 'Not a supreme but The Supreme' Ross!

He's got the eye of a tiger.

Each of you is covered in 100 lights.

The aim of the game is to punch as many of your own lights out

as you can in 45 seconds.

Whoever gets the most wins two points.

The bout will begin

on the sound of the bell!

Ready! Three, two, one!

BELL RINGS

OK, Katherine!

Come on, punch yourself!

Come on, really go for it now!

Yes! Hurry, hurry, hurry!

On your backside!

No time for whoosies in this game! Yes!

Come on, Jonathan, you're down but you're not out!

On your shoulder, your back shoulder, Katherine.

That's it!

Crotch! Don't forget the crotch!

You don't have time to waste in this game!

Oh, I like that one!

That's it! You can do it!

Get some action on your arms!

30 seconds to go! Come on!

-You're nearly done.

-Hurry, hurry!

You know telly's supposed to educate, inform and entertain?

Yeah?

Which one's this, then?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Show them what you're made of!

Three, two, one...

BELL RINGS

Oh, that was good.

Well done, Katherine!

How many lights did Katherine punch out?

She got them all, would you believe?!

No, in fact, I wouldn't believe that!

What is the actual count?

OK, OK, Katherine managed to punch 70 of her lights out.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wonderful! Very good. Nicky, how did Jonathan do?

Jonathan, my sweet precious baby angel boy,

-managed to punch out 77 of his lights!

-Yes!

-Yeah, baby!

-In your face, Jenkins!

We have a winner, congratulations to Jonathan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you for playing

Punch Your Lights Out!

Well done, big JR, two points for you there.

Time to see what that's done to the scores, Clyde!

Look, I'm sorry, Tiffany, sweetie,

we just can't afford it!

'I wish I'd never been born!'

Oh! Trouble with your daughter now, Clyde?

Yeah, she's bleeding me dry, Dougie.

When she hugs me with those ten adorable little claws,

what am I supposed to do? Not buy her a pony?!

Can a crab actually ride a pony?

Don't push me, Dougie!

Well, how about the scores, then?

All right, Jonny Chatshow has 4,

La Boheme, zip!

Oh! Thank you very much, Clyde!

La Boheme!

Hey, Ian, you've had a lot of jobs, right?

According to my CV.

Of course, my CV also says "no criminal convictions".

Ah, hey, hey there, guy.

Hmm? What?

Hey, you ever thought about, you know, maybe moving on

finally getting down to writing that autobiography?

Ha! You take out the incriminating stuff

and still probably some really great anecdotes.

Write? I can't even read!

I need this show!

I'm a terrible gambler,

I put ten grand on Anne Hathaway to win an Oscar!

-She did win!

-Yeah, Best Supporting Actress,

I had her down for Best Sound Editing!

Hey, hey, Miss Taptackle.

Oh, yes?

Hey, you must really long for your old teaching days?

You know, the long holidays,

the apples on your desks,

the smiles on the children's faces.

You clearly didn't go to an all-girls school.

The jealousy, the sniping, the psychological bullying!

And that was just the teachers!

Hey, Mancie, I saw you talking to those two. What's going on?

OK, I'll tell you, but it's confidential, OK?

Mancie, remember who you're talking to,

-it's in the vault, you can trust me.

-OK.

Mr Udders wants me to make someone redundant.

Oh! We're all getting fired!

We're all getting fired!

THEY SCREAM

You're not all getting fired!

-Oh, that's all right, then.

-Oh, thank goodness.

Only one of you is getting fired.

THEY SCREAM

It's definitely going to be me!

Oh, this is ridiculous!

Great stuff, guys, it was like a cross between boxing

and watching two people try to fix the Christmas tree lights!

Very impressive. Hard lines.

I thought I'd go for a different kind of tactic,

but it didn't really work out, you know, Jonathan, you were great!

Did you take advice from your coach and do a sausage roll?

That's exactly what I did.

-Hey, sausage roll. Oh, give me five, Jonny Ross.

-Not for that, no.

Do you like that, no? Oh, don't leave me hanging!

Anyway, still time to win that £10,000 cash for your charities,

let's find out who's in store for Round Three!

Show business expert Amber O'Neill!

Well, looking good, Amber,

and I noticed you were snapped leaving a celebrity nightclub

at 4am this week?

Oh, those photographers were just terrible.

Oh, really?

I had to stand there for, like, 20 minutes

before I could get them to take a single photo!

Oh, never mind. What we playing next, Amber?

It's time for Life's A Speech!

Now, this round tests one of the most difficult things

facing those in the public eye today.

Accepting an award.

I've prepared a speech for each of you.

However, I've left out some of the words.

Your job is to read the speech and fill in the blanks.

Whoever fills in the most blanks correctly will win.

And two points will be added to your total.

Katherine, you're behind, so we're going to start with you.

So, Jonathan, you can wait backstage.

-OK, good luck, Katherine.

-Thank you.

All right, my darling, take your award

and make your way to the podium.

You're live in three, two, one... Cue!

Oh, my gosh,

I can't believe I'm standing here with the Pride of Wales Award 2013.

I can't tell you how much I've dreamt of this moment.

Wales is a wonderful country and I know all about it.

I know that the highest mountain in Wales is... Oh, my God!

BUZZER

This award means so much to me

because I really love Wales, even as much as I love maths.

My favourite sum is 144 divided by 12.

Come on, we all know that the answer is...12 ?

BELL

And...I'm sorry I'm just so happy!

I haven't got time to thank everybody so, to be efficient,

I'd like to thank the people

from the three most populated countries in the world,

which are, of course, China...

BELL ..America...

BELL Er...oh...

BUZZER

You know, one of the reasons Wales is so great

is because the Welsh school system is so good.

I'll never forget being taught the native phonetic alphabet.

I can tell you that A is alpha...

BELL ..D is delta...

BELL ..H is hotel...

BELL ..and Q is...ha!

BUZZER

Of course, winning this award comes with certain responsibilities,

I am now a female figurehead,

much like the First Lady of the United States, Michelle Obama.

BELL

Except that I'm more powerful.

But I don't...I don't let the power get to my head,

because no-one's more powerful than the three countries

who won the most gold medals at the London 2012 Olympics -

America...

BELL

Um...

Um...UK...

BELL ..and...China.

BELL

Oooh, I love the Olympics!

Umm...to celebrate winning this award,

I'm going to open up a chocolate factory, just like Willy Wonka did

when he arrived those five Golden Ticket winners...

Oh, my gosh!

Er...Veruca...

Wart?

BUZZER

Er, anyone, um...but in my factory,

I'll have a giant chocolate chess set with massive versions

of the six different chess pieces -

Kings...

BELL ..queen...

BELL ..bishop...

BELL Um...

AUDIENCE SHOUTING ENCOURAGEMENT

Anyway... Oh, this is so upsetting!

Um...Simon Cowell!

BUZZER

And each time you take someone's piece, you can eat it.

So be nice to me and I might let you come.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Katherine, come over here and bring that beautiful award with you.

Ooh, ooh, hey, Jonathan, hey!

I'm considering a career change.

How long does it take

to become a chat-show host?

A couple of days or a week?

Well, really, to get it right, it takes years.

Well, maybe for you...

The trick is to try and make it look easy.

To make it look effortless.

Well, you nailed it, my friend,

cos it just looks

like you're making no effort at all!

I've seen your show,

it looks like you just stumbled

in front of the camera.

It's great, great... Hey?

That was a compliment!

Ooh, funny walk! That's a funny walk!

Well done. Now, I'm going to get Jonathan back on,

so you take your award and go backstage.

-I will do, thank you.

-Well done, darling, well done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jonathan? Come back here.

-Jonathan, I need to ask you a question.

-Yes?

Do you think I'm good at my job?

I think you're great at your job, you're fabulous.

Why are you even concerned?

There's just a problem backstage, nothing to worry about, anyway.

Could you please take your award and make your way over to the podium?

Thank you, I will.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You are live in three, two, one... Cue!

I am honoured, amazed and tickled pink

to be receiving the award for Best Banter 2013.

I haven't been this proud since I was awarded an OBE,

which obviously stands for...

Ordinary Bloke Excellence.

BUZZER

Er...Order of the British Empire!

BELL

I'm sorry, I'm feeling quite emotional about this,

I've had to work so hard to get here.

Much harder than most, such as the host of Would I Lie To You...?

Um, David Mitchell, no!

-BUZZER

-Lee Mack!

BUZZER

The other bloke, in the middle, anyway, I'm sure he's lovely.

But I'm proud of my banter, much like Bamako prides itself on being the capital city

of a wonderful country I've yet to visit.

BUZZER

I have a lot of people to thank. First and foremost,

the man from Scotland credited with inventing the television, that's er...Yogi Bear, Logie Baird.

BELL

Er...I literally wouldn't be here without him.

I've been obsessed with TV ever since watching the first moon landing

and those three brave astronauts from Apollo Third...Eleven -

Er...Harry Styles...

BUZZER

..Buzz Aldrin...

-BELL

-..Lance Armstrong...

BUZZER

..and Sir Alan Sugar.

BUZZER

The person people always forget to thank in these situations is themselves.

And frankly, I wouldn't be here without me,

so I'd like to thank me for being so clever.

For instance, I can tell you that 34 times three is...102?

BELL

Pretty smart, hey? I nearly threw it all in at one point

and considered retraining as a bar tender.

I dreamt of working somewhere, like the pub in EastEnders,

the er...the er...oh, man, what's it called? I've forgotten!

The Arms, it's The Arms...

-BUZZER

-Or Coronation Street, The Rovers Return.

-BELL

-Or Emmerdale, the er...the...the Slum.

-BUZZER

-Or even Hollyoaks, which I don't watch cos I'm too old,

so thank God I avoided that career choice. But I'm so proud, I could roar.

Did you know there are only four big cats that can roar? It's true, they are the lion...

-BELL

-..the tiger...

-BELL

-..the leopard...

-BELL

-..the panther...

-BUZZER

-..the jaguar.

BELL

Who else should I thank? I thank you all.

I think every single one of you on each of the seven continents,

India...

-BUZZER

-That's a sub-continent, sorry. Er...Asia...

-BELL

-..Australia...

-BELL

-..Europe...

-BELL

-..America...

-BUZZER

-..North America...

-BELL

-..Canada...

-BUZZER

-..Ireland...

-BUZZER

-..Singapore...

BUZZER

And this is just huge for me so thank you all so much.

I feel, this evening, like King Kong.

HE SCREAMS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, Jonathan, get over here, you were wonderful!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Let's get Katherine back and see how you both did.

Katherine.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done, you were both, like, so awesome!

-It's hard, thank you!

-It's tough, harder than you think, isn't it?

Yeah, you completely forget the obvious things.

Now, let me reveal that Katherine got 13 correct.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But Jonathan also got 13 correct, so it's a draw!

No! Well done!

Two points will be added to both your scores.

Well done, both of you, and thank you for playing Life's A Speech!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, it's two points for everyone there, even Stevens.

'Time to pinch a look at the scores...'

Mancie, Ian has had ten Martinis during the show.

Well, you told me to cut down, and I cut down!

Miss Taptackle's been taking stuff from the office.

Everyone takes a pencil or two!

-Yeah, you took a security guard.

-He's happy.

I have a big garden plenty of room for him to run around.

He can dig in the grass.

All right, now, let's not all turn on each other, we're all we've got.

Thank you, Jake.

Having said that, Doctor Strabismus has been misusing company equipment.

He's been trying to make that kettle act like a human!

It burns!

It is alive!

HE CACKLES

Two sugs, please, love!

I don't know why you're all fighting.

We all know it's going to be me.

They always fire the armadillo.

Look, you know what? I have a very good reason

to fire every single one of you.

Now, everyone get back to work!

-OK.

-Anyone want a Martini?

Oh!

Well, well done to you both.

And you're off the mark, Katherine, impressive work!

-Finally.

-Are you pleased?

Yeah, that was just such a hard round!

In fact, you were as impressive as the glorious peak of Mount Snowdon,

which, in case you didn't know, is a mountain in Wales!

I did know that, it's just it's one of those things

that just goes from your mind.

-And, Jonathan, I just had a text here.

-Oh, yeah?

Right, yeah, from Rob Brydon,

the host of Would I Lie To You?

And it just says, "Jonathan who?"

But, you know, the thing is...

Rob Brydon is very forgettable, that's the problem.

-Oh, no...

-He's a very forgettable man and he won't mind me saying that.

No, he will, he really will and you know it.

-'He'll be furious!

-But he's not the star of the show, he's in everything...'

If I ever get sacked, I could always go back to my job

removing windscreen wipers.

I didn't know you worked in a garage, Monkey?

No, safari park!

Come on, make that monkey sound!

HE CHATTERS

I love that!

'Anyways, let's find out who's next'

in your race for the charity prize.

Mental agility expert The Amazing Ian!

HE LAUGHS

Welcome! How are you doing, Ian?

I'm not going to lie to you, Colon, I've got a little bit of a glow on.

It's pronounced 'cologne'.

But that's got not got anything to do with anything I'm about to say.

I love you.

I love you, you big lug, I really do.

I've made him coffee with my talking kettle.

Oh, thank you. That actually probably...

HE SLURPS

Thank you, that's helped.

OK, Colon! Tonight, we will be playing...

Nosey Neighbour.

Hello and welcome to Nosey Neighbour.

The round where you're rewarded for being nosey.

For this game, I have built a garden in the studio.

And in this garden,

the Hotdogs are re-creating how they spend their days off,

kicking back, and topping up their enviable tans.

Katherine and Jonathan are with me behind the garden fence.

Say hello, Jonathan. Come on in.

-Hello!

-Good! Say hello, Katherine!

Hello!

Keep bouncing, Katherine!

All right, now, I will ask Katherine

and Jonathan a series of questions,

based on what is happening

in the Hotdog garden.

Whoever gets the most correct answers will win two points for charity.

The game starts on my first question.

What colour is the watering can?

Yellow.

Correct! What is dangling on the end

of the Hotdog's fishing line?

-Jonathan?

-A fish.

-Wrong!

-A bird!

Correct!

The topiary bush is in the shape of which...Katherine?

Pig.

Correct!

How many Hotdogs are pumping iron?

-Katherine?

-Two.

Correct!

The Hotdog on the bouncy castle is wearing what colour hat?

-Jonathan?

-Blue.

Correct!

The barbecuing Hotdog is wearing an apron in which two colours?

Katherine?

Green and white.

Correct!

Oh, boy, this is just thoroughly exhausting!

OK! How many stripy tops

are hanging on the washing line?

-Jonathan?

-Four.

Correct!

This is the last question, your final question.

Thank heavens for that!

There are three different numbers on three Hotdogs' caps,

add them together and what's the total?

HE LAUGHS

Come on, who's got it?

Jonathan?

100!

Wrong. Katherine?

116?

Correct! That's it!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Game's over, step up, come on up, Jonathan.

That was great, you guys were both terrific.

Terrific.

-And I bet you need a drink after that, I know I do.

-Yes, please.

At the end of Nosey Neighbour, Jonathan, you did quite well,

but, Katherine, you got the most answers correct,

which means you win the game

and two points will be added to your total.

Oh, thank you!

Thank you, Katherine and Jonathan, for playing Nosey Neighbour!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow, four games down and two points there for Katherine,

so what's that done to the scores, Clyde?

Argh! Oh, boy!

Oh, what's up with you?

Well, I just got back from family therapy. So enlightening!

Right?

Yeah, apparently, I'm insensitive, I don't listen,

and I reduce everyone to the most generic and simple labels.

Anyway, Beard's got six, Blonde's got four.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This show's going great.

Well, that's what happens when you have a good, solid team, sir.

Perhaps I devised this whole sacking scenario as a team-building exercise

to get your guys working harder.

ALL: Oh! Oh!

Of course I didn't.

Someone's still getting fired.

ALL: Aw!

So who's for the old, chop-erooney?

It's impossible.

They may be a lazy, narcissistic,

incompetent bunch of morons,

but they're MY lazy, narcissistic,

-incompetent bunch of morons!

-Ooh!

There's really only one person it can be.

And it's me, I quit.

Well, I'm sorry to lose you, Mancie,

but we need the money.

You've done a great job, but them's the breaks.

-I quit.

-What?

If she quits, I quit.

-And I quit!

-Und I quit!

And he quits!

HE MUMBLES

And I quit.

And I quit.

You don't work here.

I know, cos I just quit! Dah!

I see, so that's the way you want to play it, is it?

Right, well, I've got to find the money from somewhere,

so I'll have to scrap the back-up show.

The what?

What do we do here at Games Incorporated?

AUDIENCE: We play games!

Yes, we play games!

The back-up show.

Each week I film a whole other show with a different host,

different guests and different experts,

-in case something goes wrong with yours.

-What?!

That must cost a fortune?

Ha, you should have seen what my back-up show

for the Olympic opening ceremony cost.

So you're on your own now, Mancie,

you can't rely on That Other Puppet Game Show any more.

I'm shutting it down.

I don't care if you have got Jeremy Paxman in the custard bath.

I can't believe you guys did that for me.

-We need you, Mancie.

-Yes!

-Come on, everyone, we've got a show to finish!

-Yes!

Hey, Eddie?

-Yes, Mancie?

-Thank you so much.

Oh, well, we couldn't, er...

imagine life without you, Mance!

I couldn't imagine life without you, guys. Especially you, Eddie.

Eddie...

Would you guys just shut your pie holes?

My head is killing me and I need to get some shut eye.

Oh, oh...

HE SNORES

Yeah, yeah, OK. Umm. Mancie...oh. Ah!

Well, well done, Katherine Jenkins, you're right back in game!

Thank you!

-There's only two points in it?

-Thank goodness.

But you were suspiciously good at that game.

Who do you live next door to

and what do they get up to in the garden?

Oooh, you're not telling, interesting.

And hard luck, Jonathan.

Yeah, I had a disadvantage and I really do feel like I was...handicapped unfairly there.

-Why?

-Cos I'm bouncing up and down on the trampoline,

meant to be looking at sausages, but next to me,

Katherine Jenkins is bouncing up and down on a trampoline,

-where do you think I'll be looking most of the time?

-Yeah, enough said.

You're a dirty little monkey.

Righty-ho. It's time for the final round, now.

And er, who's our expert, you're probably wondering?

Well, it's me, Dougie Colon!

So if you'd please join me for That Puppet End Game!

Welcome to the final round,

the scores are four to Katherine

and six to Jonathan.

So you're still both in with a chance of winning £10,000 for charity.

For this round, knowledge is points-winning power.

As the six experts will ask you questions

based on their specialist subjects.

For every question you get right,

a point will be added to your final total.

And there they all are, the best of the best.

Our top guns taking my breath away.

Is everyone ready with their questions?

ALL: Oh, yes, ready!

HE SNORES

This week, we begin with...

Eddie Watts, music!

Almost every year, I pack up my tent and head to Worthy Farm to attend...

-Wow, Jonathan?

-Glastonbury.

-Correct.

-Oh, Jake, nature?

I spent six months living exactly like a giant panda in the wild,

what was virtually the only thing I ate?

-Jonathan?

-Bamboo shoots.

Correct-amundo.

Amber, showbiz.

Who is the oldest member of the eternally youthful Take That?

Oh, Katherine?

Howard.

Correct!

Well played! Ian, mental agility!

In total, how many vowels are in the word 'embarrassment'?

Oh, Katherine?

Four.

Yeah, that's right.

Dr Strabismus, science!

I was banned from the Large Hadron Collider,

which runs beneath France and which other country?

-Jonathan?

-Switzerland.

-Correct!

-Jake, nature!

Only one bird in the animal kingdom can fly backwards, name the tinker.

-Go on, Jonathan?

-Hummingbird.

-That's the one!

-Ian, mental agility!

The hands on my watch have stopped.

How many times a day will they show the correct time?

-Go on, Jonathan?

-Twice.

-That's right.

-Eddie, music.

'I'm a good girl gone bad' and was rated 'R' in 2009, what's my name?

-Jonathan?

-Um...Britney Spears?

No, that's incorrect.

-Oh, Katherine, what do you think?

-Rihanna?

-Correct!

-Oh, Taptackle, sport.

I've just bowled a turkey down at my local bowling alley,

so how many consecutive strikes did I get?

-Oh, Katherine?

-Three?

-Correct!

-Jake, nature!

Mother of nature,

what land mammal has the longest pregnancy on the planet?

-Jonathan?

-The elephant.

-You got it!

-Amber, showbiz.

Babysitting for Brangelina sounds like such a delight,

all together, how many children do they have?

-Jonathan?

-Six.

Correct.

BUZZER

Oh, that sound signals the end of the round.

We've come to the end of the show. It's the big moment.

Clyde, what are the final scores?

Well, after a claw-twisting final round, Katherine has eight points,

but the winner is Jonathan,

with 13 points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done!

Well, congratulations, Jonathan.

You win £10,000 for the charity of your choice, who is it going to?

I'll give it to the Macmillan Cancer charity,

-which, coincidentally, I know you ran a marathon for?

-Yep.

-So we're both happy today.

-I'm very happy about that.

-So to Macmillan.

Oh, great, it's a wonderful cause, brilliant.

Please give a hand to the stars of the show,

they've been fantastic, ladies and gentlemen,

the wonderful Katherine Jenkins and the brilliant Jonathan Ross!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, there's just enough time left for me to say that's all we've got time for tonight,

so...that's all we've got time for tonight.

Say good night, everyone!

ALL: Good night!

Thanks for watching

and see you next time on That Puppet Game Show, good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And I quit.

Oh!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd