Episode 1 The Apprentice: You're Fired

This was mayhem. That don't look good. Bloody clueless.

Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery. You failed. You're fired.

You're fired. You're fired.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening. Good evening and welcome to a brand-new series

of The Apprentice - You're Fired with me, Dara O Briain.

Yes, here go again, folks. You know the drill.

Lord Sugar is searching for a business partner

and 16 eager entrepreneurs unburdened by self-doubt

have begun their battle for his £250,000 investment.

For the next three months, with help of unseen footage,

we'll be delving deep into the psyche of this crop of candidates

and asking the big questions like what's with that guy's eyebrows?

A major question.

But our first observation is, the candidates have gone a little

over the top with the animal metaphors.

My intelligence is like a machete in the jungle.

It is just going to take one swipe.

I'm like the king of the jungle.

Put me in a corner, that is when I am at my most aggressive. I attack.

I'm prepared to fight to the death.

I will kill anything in my way.

There's no-one bigger,

no-one better and no-one more ferocious than a lion.

Cross me at your peril because I will bite your head off.

I'll watch the competition tear themselves apart

and when they've weakened then I'll lunge and make my kill.

HE PURRS

Let's meet our panel for tonight. Apprentice fans one and all.

Chocolate millionaire Jo Fairley, Radio 1's Matt Edmondson

and comedian Katherine Ryan.

Welcome to You're Fired.

APPLAUSE

Tonight's task of selling a container of goods led one

candidate to jump in quickly only to end up kicked out.

Jaz, there was terrible mayhem going on. Bad organisation.

Fatal mistakes made. Your biggest mistake was jumping in too quickly.

-On that basis, Jaz, you're fired.

-OK, thank you.

Please welcome Jaz Ampaw-Farr.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

-Welcome, Jaz.

-Hello.

-What's your reaction to that? Disappointed?

-I'm gutted. Totally gutted.

-It was, like, £54. Something ridiculous.

-58.

-£58. That's like two jackets at £35 each.

-Don't!

"I'll slip you some cats."

If it was like £1 million or something went totally wrong...

but when it's £58 you just feel so unlucky.

How much could you put down to that one guy who spent ages going,

"I love it, I love it, I'll buy it all!

"I'll buy you, I'll buy that guy, who is this guy Nick, I'll have him.

-"£57 for him!"

-I know, I'll hunt him down after this, I tell you.

It was so silly because we should have just said,

"Can you actually make any decisions or are you just here to smile?"

But is that not slightly insulting

if a guy is saying I want to buy that and you lean in

like he's a child and go, "Are you allowed to do this?

"Are you sure you have permission from your mummy and daddy to buy a lot of mugs off us?"

We should have asked who was looking after him.

Before we get into the nitty-gritty of what may have gone wrong,

sometimes it can be very difficult to put your finger on that

moment when a candidate puts themselves in the firing line

but, no, no, for you it was right here.

So here's a curve ball I'm going to send you right now.

DRUM ROLL

Ladies...

-..who's going to be the project manager on this task?

-I am.

I had my hand up before I realised I had volunteered, I had volunteered.

Very brave. Very brave indeed.

EXAGGERATED GULPING SOUND

-Foolish or brave?

-Oh, who knows?

My nan says always go first, volunteer, jump in,

and 99% of the time that works out brilliantly for me.

-It's just when everyone was watching, not so good.

-Yeah, that one time.

That one time. How relieved were the other seven, by the way?

-You probably couldn't see it from the angle you were at.

-No, I just kind of thought, you know,

if you go first and you win, you are a hero. So I wasn't really thinking about anybody else.

I think I tried to say afterwards, "Oh, nobody else volunteered,"

-but I didn't really get anyone else a chance.

-Nobody did.

They were thrilled... when you jumped on the grenade.

Jo, decisiveness.

Let's put this into a business virtue kind of thing.

Decisiveness is a very good thing in business, surely.

It is but sometimes you do have to breath first

just for a second before leaping in.

I think that you probably could have led the team but

even just looking at your team-mates to see

-if they wanted you as leader might have helped to get them behind you.

-Yeah.

Matt, traditionally, it is one of those moments where it is poker, essentially, that is being played.

It's a staring match - who blinks first?

People don't normally go into a staring match going, "I'll take it, I'll take it!"

But it is that, like, I mean, tactically,

as an experienced viewer of this show, this is a poor choice.

It's a bold move to go in first.

Firstly, by the way, Jaz, hello

- and lucky cat wave. - Oh, don't do that!

Stop it, all of you! Oh my God!

MATT: I think it was a real bold thing to do.

Normally in The Apprentice,

they sit around and they have that moment

where they have to look each other out and go, OK,

who's going to put themselves on the line, and it almost

felt like an impulse where you hadn't fully understood the question.

- Oh, yeah, totally. - He said something and you went,

"Well, he's asked the question, I'll just put my hand up and I'll be fine."

You'd be amazing on a fastest finger first quiz show.

- I would so cruise that, yeah. - If the question was who is going to

get fired first on The Apprentice? Boom! "I am."

If that was the Grand National, they would have had to restart it.

-That's true, yeah.

-No, you were wise not to look each other out.

You know, you have a fresh look.

You're the only one of the girls who's not had

-their make-up done on Take Me Out.

-Absolutely!

And you're bossy. I love it.

I just want to know, you said you're half machine. Which half?

-It's the left. It's the left.

-To be honest, which machine?

At times I was worried. It's not GPS. Toaster maybe.

But we saw that in the show. We didn't see this one.

They didn't broadcast this description of yourself

because it was a little bit baffling.

I'm the Brad Pitt of the teacher training industry.

That makes total sense!

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

No, seriously, they were like, because I train phonics,

I train teachers to teach children to read and write - I'm very passionate about that -

there is, like, five people who do what I do so even if I'm fifth of five

that basically an A-lister, isn't it? That's basically Brad Pitt.

-That was my reasoning.

-You're on the list.

-Totally.

I thought it was because the first rule of teacher training

-is you don't talk about teacher training.

-And there's that, yeah.

Having taken that plunge though, Jaz, then there was no turning back.

You started off as if this was the start of a netball match.

"OK, girls, let's get our act together."

Hey, well done on the name!

Why did you go to Chinatown at nine o'clock in the morning?

-Everything in Chinatown looks closed.

-Is it a Chinese holiday?

Do you not know that lucky cats are in every single

-Chinese restaurant in the country?

-Girls, I'm feeling positive. Come on!

You had a long conversation with Italian Robert, didn't you?

-How many do you think you would like to take?

-I have no idea. All of them.

The first rule of selling to the trade is make sure you're not

-talking to the cleaning lady.

-And now we have to call my boss.

Big smiles. Showtime.

-All these kind of motivational words all add up to jack shit.

-Yeah.

-So, have you worked with adults that often before?

-One adult once.

-Very childish.

-Did they respond very well to that?

No, I mean, my husband does say I talk to him like he's

a five-year-old sometimes but then he does behave like that, to be fair.

I can't believe you justify that. You're supposed, oh, maybe...

Jo, upbeat or hard-bitten cynicism, which works better?

Oh, I'm all for, you know, great inspirational words

and I've got them pinned up all over my office etc

but what you were really missing was any strategy.

Again, in the same way you didn't breathe,

you should have spent ten minutes with those girls, sitting down -

you could probably put a lucky cat on the side to give you a luck -

and worked out where you were going to go.

I did have a strategy, it just wasn't very good.

- But I did have one. - Your strategy was being very enthusiastic.

To be fair about the cats though,

-where else would you go with a load of Chinese lucky cats?

-I don't know.

-A casino.

-Strategically, China would have been a poor choice.

-You did not learn.

-It's very high pressure.

-Yes, it is.

But the casino, I was so envious when I heard the boss had gone there.

-I thought, what a stroke of genius.

-It's genius.

-I feel sympathy for you, Jaz,

because I would have definitely done exactly the same thing. Maybe not at 9am.

You go to Chinatown, it was like they were operating

a lost and found service. "Do you need these back, guys?"

The cats' arms will start going faster because they're closer to Chinatown.

"Oh, our cats have come back!

"We been looking for them for ages." Like there is a reward.

All the polls in Chinatown have photocopied pictures of wagging cats.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It is already very early in this process to judge people

but some candidates are already showing that they don't

mince their words, in particular Luisa.

I don't think Jaz was effective as a project manager.

I will be on her like a fly on shit.

You can't just put your hand up and expect then,

-if you lose, to still get through.

-Well, thanks for that contribution.

I really think I should do the next sale.

-I'm the person who knows about the costs.

-No offence, you're a doctor.

You cannot possibly say that.

Rebecca, I think she thinks she's a lot better than she is.

And I just want to build a bit... Hang on, I'm talking.

I think she's got delusions of grandeur.

She's the top seller in her field and then she kind of went in

-and epically failed.

-I didn't epically fail.

She turned out to actually be the biggest seller in your group.

My two-year-old could have done the deal she did in that shop.

I don't like her. You can tell.

-She's making quite a name for herself already. How was she?

-Yes...

-Well, she's the other mum. We both have kids...

-So you bonded on that?

No, we didn't bond, I don't know what I'm saying. No, not at all.

-My grandma says it you've got nothing nice to say, shut up.

-OK...

Really tough, strong personality?

Were all strong personalities, everyone,

but there is this kind of united in oppression feel at the beginning.

But there were some conversations where you try to suss people out

and Luisa did ask who the President of England was

and that kind of gave me an inkling that she was maybe not up on current affairs but, you know,

that could mean anything so, I don't know.

She may have been perfectly lovely

but I didn't spend that much time with her.

Did she impress you?

Well, it was appropriate you were selling cats

because she takes it to a whole new level really.

But, you know, she's ballsy, I think she'll go far.

But the one I think I was impressed by was coolheaded Leah.

Yes, Leah is the doctor, which obviously

doesn't count for much in Luisa's world, we gather that.

-Seven years of medical training...

-But what impressed you about Leah?

I thought she was coolheaded.

I thought she was someone who would be calm in a crisis.

And that's what your team absolutely failed to do epically,

was remain calm in what is a very, very high pressure situation.

Business is a very, very high-pressure world.

Of the ladies team, did anyone strike you?

I thought it was quite good of Leah to stick up for Uzma in the boardroom

because it is quite dog-eat-dog in there

and to say, "Lord Sugar, she was there for strategy,

"I gave her that role, she was doing the logistics side of things,"

it's quite a brave thing to do in the boardroom.

And, in terms of strategy, as a sub team leader,

I felt that she had it right whereas

you were running around a bit like a headless chicken.

Having said that though,

with Luisa, I would find her quite irritating.

It's like living in an episode of Made In Chelsea all the time.

I prefer your kind of unbridled optimism rather than

-the negativity that she brought.

-Katherine?

I mean, Luisa, she speaks in hashtags.

"Epic fail! No offence, you're a doctor."

But Leah, for me, as well, she's an Irish girl.

I love an Irish girl on The Apprentice.

They always come out on top, don't they?

They always, actually, get eliminated by about week seven.

LAUGHTER

We in Ireland always go, "Oh, great... Oh, no, again."

In contrast with this kind of high-pressure,

high focus business, you may have been a little too relaxed at times.

I feel you may have been a little bit too informal even.

In fact, I feel it may have been what really did it for you.

-You say that she is more culpable than you.

-Oh, man!

-I'm not "man", I'm Lord Sugar, OK, yeah?

-I'm so sorry.

That's terrible.

Do you think that was it?

-I don't think I was referring to him, I was just...

-No!

Well, let's find out what Lord Sugar

and your brief former colleagues had to say about you.

Jaz is full of enthusiasm

but she should have checked out the skills

of the other candidates before jumping in as project manager.

She did have a strategy in place but she didn't keep to that strategy,

she was quite flaky throughout the day.

To me, she was just a bit void.

Strategically, I think it fell apart a little bit.

We were trying to sell to people who weren't going to buy it,

didn't want to buy it and weren't the right people to speak to.

She didn't come up with a strategy for potential buyers.

She made fundamental mistakes

and that's why I couldn't start a business with Jaz.

SHE PRETENDS TO SOB

Oh...

It is, it is sad, because you do go in, I wouldn't have done it

unless I thought I was going to win. And that was my plan.

And it's kind of like...

GASPS ..mistakes. But then you just get on. Don't you?

What's the business plan, by the way? Can you tell us?

It's about supporting parents

and teachers in teaching children to read and write.

So online resources and also coming up with ideas to help parents who...

School was different when we were at school. Phonics is now quite big

and helping parents support their children at school so that

everybody is leaving primary school with the ability to read and write.

Now I...

APPLAUSE

For those who haven't had the thrill of this already, phonics is...

Phonics is the letters as sounds.

So rather than saying cat is C-A-T, it would be Kuh-Ah-T.

One of the things that parents do is they put this

"uh" on the end of all the sounds. Kuh, Fuh, Luh.

And they don't make that sound in words.

In fish, F says F, it doesn't say Fuh.

But we're always adding this uh, and it's confusing.

Is your total testing of parents Tom Jones?

-Of my entire group...! LIKE TOM JONES:

-"Huh! Huh!" "No, Tom, it's H..." "Huh!" "No, H."

Jo, you set up a business from... on an instinct, to a certain extent?

You saw the gap in the market for an artisanal chocolate product?

I found two squares of chocolate on my husband's desk under a bank statement.

Obviously, I ate them, as you do.

walking past your husband's desk, and as it exploded on my taste buds,

I realised that this was the most delicious chocolate I had ever eaten.

And he told me it was the world's first organic chocolate

and to cut a long story short, he didn't have a plan for launching

a new brand in his Whole Earth budget, and he said, why don't you do it?

So I put in my life savings,

£20,000, into buying two tonnes of chocolate

and sat in bed one Saturday night, came up with the name Green & Blacks,

green because it was organic,

black because it was the darkest chocolate on the market,

ampersand in the middle, looks like you've been around since 1876! Job done.

Before we move on to the winning team,

news of great bonus material for the website.

Matt, each week, you are going to be doing a particular kind of interview with the candidates?

Yes, it's called Matt's Awkward Conversations.

Jaz, after this, I'm going to take you to a dark room

and give you a thorough interrogation. And it gets more awkward every week.

So this week, I'm doing an interview in just my underpants.

So, something to look forward to!

JAZ: Lovely(!)

You should try it, Dara, it really livens up a show.

How does this get past all those layers of people who stop

-this kind of thing?

-I know! Is the Internet, it's a lawless territory.

-Great.

You can find Matt's Awkward Conversations at:

Catherine, you did actually apply to go on the show, I know that.

You submitted a tape

and I know it's kind of inappropriate to show these things without your permission,

but this is the tape that...

LAUGHTER

..that Catherine did for us to pitch herself for the show.

I've got the energy of a tornado, the looks of a Peter Andre back-up dancer

and not only the mind of Einstein, I am Einstein reborn.

Yah!

My business plan will blow Lord Sugar's socks off.

It'll literally blow his socks off, it's a machine that puts on and remove socks.

I would say I'm most like Joan of Arc.

Because I love animals and I, too, would build a big boat to save them.

I can walk in high heeled shoes.

I will give each task 93%

I'm an underachiever.

I get underneath every task and achieve it from behind.

I'm like an asteroid, hurling towards Lord Sugar's office.

-It's genuinely remarkable you didn't make the cut.

-Giving 93%!

You can't give 100, you need 7% for breathing and living.

OK, let's move on to the winning team.

For the boys, it was the sophisticated Jason who took the mantle of PM.

Some people might come to this process with a gameplan.

I just feel my effortless superiority will take me all the way.

Guys, guys, guys! Quieten down! Guys, guys... There are... Guys...

People, we have... Quiet, quiet!

People, people, people!

People, people! Neil, Neil, Neil, stop. Neil, Neil...

-It's trade, it's markets.

-Exactly, but it's all selling.

-Fine, fine. Guys... Guys, guys, guys...

-Is it the volume?

Let's look at what we can sell.

So, so... Thoughts to yourselves. Thoughts to yourselves.

Did he exude an enormous amount of power in that situation?

No, I did think that they were never going to leave the dock, actually.

But what they did do is they did spend some time strategising.

Jason is my favourite. I think he's brilliant.

I'm slightly obsessed, mesmerised.

Like it's a great year for eyebrows on Apprentice.

Or in his case, eyebrow.

I feel like...

I feel a bit sorry for him

because it's really hard being the project manager I would guess, or the first task.

And then having someone like Neil, who kind of dominated from the get go,

wouldn't let Jason get a word in, I kind of felt a bit sorry for Jason.

I like him, he's got a soft spot in my heart. He reminds me of Rafe, who is my all-time favourite.

-Catherine, what do you think?

-He could be a little bit too highbrow.

And if there something that a UK audience loves,

it's effortless superiority.

LAUGHTER

-He'll do great.

-Naturally defer to the bookish, learned type.

One of the joys of watching The Apprentice is shouting "Shut up"

when somebody won't stop digging.

Usually, however, they are already in the hole.

You have a good rest, and I'll see you on the next...

Lord Sugar, can I just take this point to say I've taken on board

your comments and it is going to change.

-At the very start, I was struggling. I've never experienced...

-You won.

-I know, I just want to explain...

-So shut up.

-OK.

Are we already loving Tim?

I know the task goes on a long time and you are up for nearly two days,

he looks like he has been up for two weeks! He is wired.

He's like a guy you meet on holiday and you think oh, I'm going to stay away from that guy!

But he's adorable.

I think you'll find what he was doing, in sales, is called talking past the close.

And it's when you're excited, you've already won but you just keep going.

You're not breaking up with me? That's great because I really want us to stay together.

I sell Mexican food, it's delicious.

I will not take anything for an answer. That is the joy of him.

Most strikingly, however, on the boys' team -

and we've been holding this back. Most strikingly was...

LAUGHTER

-Has anyone ever said you look like anyone?

-I sometimes get Freddie Mercury.

-Dracula?

-Dracula! Thank you.

He is rocking that look.

Unique, presumably. Hello to our Welsh viewers. First Welsh candidate that has been on the show.

That's your first Welsh candidate.

But, you know, are you...?

I thought he did quite well.

Do you think he started out with a uni-brow and has been to the waxer?

I couldn't take my eyes off his eyebrows.

Is it one of those things where, I got to get symmetry, I've got to get symmetry? That one is now too big.

-No, no, this one is too big!

-You keep plucking...

-No, that one is too big. No, no, no!

-Eventually, you're left with that.

-Something very odd.

-Yeah.

He's a lovely chap, he's just got a bit of an eyebrow obsession.

And you know what, he's meticulous as well.

He made sure the people he was attempting to sell toilet paper to,

were aware that this wasn't...

some sort of hideous second-hand...

Because I'm sure they get calls all the time, from people who say they

have the most rank, most disgusting product you can possibly imagine.

Recycled, but not in that way!

No, I'm sure everyone was going, why would I buy that? Please stop phoning me with that!

But mind you, if you've got any bubble wrap...?

They're the two things businesses really thrive on. He did a good job.

I thought he was pretty good. He comes over quite friendly, I think.

He's like a kind of young upstart politician.

I think the eyebrow thing is quite a good thing,

because you have to have a strong identity on The Apprentice.

And it's good to have a gimmick. People will remember him for that.

I think Nick Hewer is going to be furious, though.

Because Nick is about the eyebrows. It's like every single series,

what's Nick is going to do with his eyebrows?

No-one cares any more.

The eyebrow game has been raised now.

If Alex survives, through the series,

-I would like, by show ten,...

-He's going to die!

By the end of it.

I suspect that at some stage, someone will stab him in the heart with a...

..with a stake, or a ukelele. I was using more classic vampire imagery.

But it could be with the ukelele left over from week one.

Or wrap him like a mummy in the toilet paper.

Second-hand, but obviously never used.

-We're going to the vote. So brace herself for this.

-Oh.

Jo, do you think Lord Sugar was right to fire Jaz.

I'm afraid I had pointed my finger at the screen before Lord Sugar did.

Um, I think it was just your lack of strategy.

You are wanting to lead a team,

but actually didn't really care about the team.

It was all about you, Jaz.

And if it is a team, you do have to remember that there are other people onboard.

-OK. Matt, what you think?

-I disagree.

I liked your enthusiasm, I liked your literal jazz hands at one point.

I think Sophie should have gone.

She was quite useless on the day and I think it's annoying and irritating,

and it's an easy out to say, "Oh, yeah, we shouldn't have gone to Chinatown, I kept saying that."

What was your solution? Did she have any other ideas?

I don't think you can whinge and whinge as your get-out-of-jail-free card.

Sophie needed, if she felt that strongly, to say, "Here's my idea."

-She should have gone.

-OK. Catherine?

I thought Uzma was out until she pulled out the Tulisa lyrics,

I am not a logistics girl, I am a businesswoman.

And then I knew it had to be you. But Uzma would have been my vote.

Split three ways on that. You get two choices in this.

If you agree with Lord Sugar, hold up Fired,

if you disagree, hold up Hired.

I think I'm going to go... fired, on that.

AUDIENCE: Aw-w-w. I will survive.

Bounce back. Jaz, it's been wonderful to meet you.

I'm sorry we lost you so quickly in week one.

-It's great experience. Brilliant.

-Good.

Well we always like you to leave with something to remember us by.

You really don't need to!

Oh, no, we have to because you have a difficult, you know,

you've got to teach Tom Jones to read.

And... "Huh!"

Huh-Ah-Tuh. I'm going to put my Huh-Ah-Tuh on.

The most important thing, I suppose, not your strategy, it's...look,

I want you to have a good look wherever you go.

-I want you every day to wake up and to look at this gigantic...

-Oh my God, it's enormous!

-That's like the biggest one ever!

-It was the biggest one we could find.

And you know, listen.

They get quite messy, so we put some litter in as well.

-We have loads of that lying around.

-I'm going to call it Dara. Thank you.

-Thank you, please do. So sit him on that.

-Come on, Dara. There we go.

Thank you.

Jaz, you were only here for one week, but you certainly made quite the impression.

Here are your highlights.

Right, ladies. Intros. I'm Jaz. Like the music, one Z.

# Come on baby, why don't we paint the town... #

-I am completely one of a kind.

-# And all that jazz! #

Oh, my gosh, it's so exciting!

-Toilet rolls.

-Yes.

-Got toilet roll?

-Several different ones.

Give me some good news, give me some sugar.

I am pure passion.

I'm not getting...

But I am a woman of integrity.

-We are doing the lucky cat wave.

-The lucky cat!

-Absolutely a lovely, genuine person.

-Really fun.

Buzzing is the word for Jaz.

I'm almost perfect.

What do you call a fish without an EYE?

FSH. That's a font joke as well.

# All that jazz That jazz! #

Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jaz Ampaw-Farr.

And that's it for tonight. Thanks to all of my guests.

Jaz will be on BBC breakfast tomorrow morning

and if you want more, go to our website.

For Matt's awkward candid interview and audition clips as well.

Tomorrow night, the candidates have to show they have got bottle,

and then sell the bottle.

-Your task today is selling beer.

-Is that going to sting my mouth?

You make a mess.

It is not rocket science.

-Who is the leader?

-OK, well lead, then!

Alex disgraced you.

He was swearing at me.

-You pleb!

-Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery.

-My brain is confused.

-Oh, dear.

-This was a disaster.

-This guy has not got a clue.

You have proved that you are an amateur.

The most intolerable, moronic people I have come across in a long time.

Remember, it's an Apprentice feast this week, with two shows to savour.

So we'll see you tomorrow at the same time. Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd