20/01/1977 The Good Old Days


20/01/1977

Leonard Sachs presents an edition of the old time music hall programme. With Val Doonican, Sheila Steafel, Rita Morris, Dailey & Wayne, and members of the Players' Theatre, London.


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Transcript


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ORCHESTRA PLAYS

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# You are my honey, honeysuckle

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# I am the bee

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# I'd like to sip the honey sweet

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# From those red lips, you see

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# I love you dearly, dearly

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# And I want you to love me

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# You are my honey, honeysuckle

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# I am the bee. #

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ORCHESTRA PLAYS

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CHEERING

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CHEERING

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Once again!

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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

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-ALL:

-Good evening!

-Lovely.

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Periphrastically!

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Ooooh!

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Para-polysyllabic!

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Ohhh!

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Primarily promulgating... the multipotent Players' Theatre

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in perimeter to the irrepressibly unpredictable

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Miss Sheila Steafel.

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MUSIC: Oh! Mr Porter

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CHATTER

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# Oh! Mr Porter, what shall I do?

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# I wanted to go to Birmingham

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# And they're taking me on to Crewe

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# Take me back to London as quickly as you can

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# Oh! Mr Porter What a silly girl I am

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# Send her back to London as quickly as you can

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# Oh! Mr Porter What a silly girl I am

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# Watching the trains come in

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# Watching the trains come in

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# We sit and hold each other's hand

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# As only lovers understand

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# Watching the trains come in

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-# Hearing the porter shout... #

-All aboard!

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# When we have watched all the trains come in

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# We watch all the trains go out

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# Daddy's on the engine

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# Don't be afraid

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# Daddy knows what he is doing

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# Said the little maid

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# We'll never be in danger

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# Don't you ever fear

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# Everyone is safe

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# Because my daddy's the engineer

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# Everyone is safe

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# Because her daddy's the engineer

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# I arrived at Euston by the midnight train

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# But when I got to the wicket

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# There someone wanted to punch my ticket

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# The guards and porters came round me by the score

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# And I told them all I'd never had my ticket punched before

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# She arrived at Euston by the midnight train

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# But when she got to the wicket

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# There someone wanted to punch her ticket

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# The guards and porters came round her by the score

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# And she told them all she'd never had her ticket punched before. #

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WHISTLE BLOWS

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MUSIC: When the Midnight Choo-Choo Leaves for Alabam'

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# When the midnight choo-choo leaves for Alabam'

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# I'll be right there

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# I've got my fare

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# When I see that rusty-haired conductor man

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# I'll grab him by the collar

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-# And I'll holler

-Alabam'! Alabam'!

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# That's where you stop your train

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# That brings me back again

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# Down home where I'll remain

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# Where my honey lamb am

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# I will be right there with bells

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# When that old conductor yells

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# All aboard! All aboard!

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# All aboard for Alabam'

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# All aboard! All aboard!

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# All aboard for Alabam'! #

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APPLAUSE

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Ebullient...

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terpsichorean...

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bucolicism...

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morris dancing.

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Twinning in tintinnabulation,

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Mr Ray C Davis and Mr Tudor Davies.

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CHEERING

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MUSIC: Come To The Fair

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# The sun is a-shining to welcome the day

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# With a heigh-ho, come to the fair

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# The folks all singing So merry and gay

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# With a heigh-ho, come to the fair

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# All the stalls on the green are as bright as can be

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# With trinkets and tokens So plenty to see

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# So it's come, then, maidens and men

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# To the fair in the pride of the morning

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# So lock up your house There'll be plenty of fun

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# With a heigh-ho

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# Come to the fair. #

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MUSIC CHANGES

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HONK!

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Boys, boys, boys, boys!

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Boys!

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Abandon this belligerent bellicosity.

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I should think so, too.

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GENTLE MUSIC

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APPLAUSE

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ORCHESTRA PLAYS

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HE YELLS

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MUSIC: Come to the Fair

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MUSIC QUICKENS

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Hey!

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BOTH: Whoa!

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Hey!

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# So deck yourselves out in your finest array

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# With a heigh-ho, come to the fair

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# Maidens and men, come to the fair

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# Come to the fair in the morning

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# With a heigh-ho

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# Come to the fai-ai-air. #

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APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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Continentally contributory

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to our corybantic cornucopia...

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Oooh!

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More dancing.

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Welcome to the convulsive capriciousness...

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LAUGHTER

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..of Elsa and Waldo.

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CHEERING

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ORCHESTRA PLAYS

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APPLAUSE

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MUSIC BUILDS

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MUSIC STOPS

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APPLAUSE

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THEY SUCK IN AIR SHARPLY

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SMOOCHING

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SHE EXCLAIMS

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Ohh!

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TAP DANCING

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SHE WITTERS

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SHE WITTERS

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CLICK, CLICK

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CLICK

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CLICK

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CLICK, CLICK

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CLICK, CLICK

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CLICK, CLICK

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TAP DANCING

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SHE YELPS EXCITEDLY

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Stop it!

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Ohh! Oh!

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SHE GIGGLES

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CLICK, CLICK

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SHE EXCLAIMS

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DRUMS PLAY

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CYMBAL CRASHES

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APPLAUSE

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ORCHESTRA PLAYS A SLOW TUNE

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-Liquescent lilt of Lehar...

-Ohhh!

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..symphonic swirl of Strauss

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in a Viennese extravaganza involving Players' Theatre Cavaliers

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and the ravishingly velutinous...

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Miss Rita Morris!

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# As the years roll on

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# After youth has gone

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# We will remember Vienna

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# Whence did they come

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# Where did they go

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# Those wonderful songs of Vienna? #

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APPLAUSE

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SHE SINGS IN GERMAN

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APPLAUSE

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# Are you going to dance?

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# Mon ami, mon ami

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# Well, do I have a chance?

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# Not with me, as you see

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# Do you find any faults

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# In the way that I waltz?

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# If you do, won't you please explain

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# Shall we try, just we two?

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# You and I

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# I and you

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# Let us believe the dream is true

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# That you love me

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# And I love you

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# Say not love is a dream

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# Say not that dream is vain

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# Say not that cruel fate will redeem

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# Every joy with pain

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# Look not, look not beyond

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# Joy so dear

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# Two hearts may not despond

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# For love knows naught of fear

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# Love breaks every bond

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# And love, true love

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# Is here. #

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# One day when we were young

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# One wonderful morning in May

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# You told me you loved me

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# When we were young one day

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# You told me you loved me

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# And held me to your heart

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# We laughed then and cried then

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# Then came the time to part

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# When songs of spring are sung

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# Remember that morning in May

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# Remember you loved me

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# When we were young

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# One day. #

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APPLAUSE

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# Good wines if you can afford 'em, tra-la-la-la-la-la-la

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# Soon do away with boredom, tra-la-la-la-la-la-la

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# Champagne can make you gladsome

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# I know because I've had some

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# A rosy glow inside you

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# No conscience left to guide you

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# A toast, a toast!

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# To get another drink

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# Join with me in praising the wine we love the most

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# A toast, a toast

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# A-ha!

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# Champagne is quite the modern thing

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# King of wine, wine of kings

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# We give you this sparkled drink, tra-la-la-la, champagne

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# Champagne is quite the modern thing

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# King of wine, wine of kings

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# We give you this sparkled drink

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# Ah-ha-ha-haaaaa

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# Champagne

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# La-la-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la, oi! #

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APPLAUSE

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# Danube so blue

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# Sweet memories of you

0:22:010:22:06

# Still winding along

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# Live on like a song

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# So gently you flow

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# Far down to the sea

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# And we will agree

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# On our paths

0:22:260:22:28

# You will see in our

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# Our hearts. #

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An engagingly inexhaustible inundation...

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..of nugatory inanities...

0:23:050:23:08

..silly trifles...

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..from two incorrigible messrs,

0:23:120:23:16

messrs,

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Dailey & Wayne.

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APPLAUSE

0:23:210:23:23

# Roses are shining in Picardy

0:23:300:23:37

# In the hush of... #

0:23:370:23:40

LOUD MARTIAL DRUMMING INTERRUPTS MUSIC

0:23:400:23:43

Thank you, thank you!

0:23:530:23:55

Thank you!

0:23:550:23:58

Thanking you. Thank you.

0:23:580:24:00

Thank you.

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-Are you Mr Dailey?

-Correct.

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I've got a telegram for you, sir.

0:24:080:24:10

-Would you mind reading it?

-Yes, I will.

0:24:100:24:12

"Dear Mr Dailey,

0:24:120:24:14

"you've just become the father of triplets."

0:24:140:24:16

-Well, I never did.

-Go on, you must have done.

0:24:170:24:20

That's wonderful, sir, innit?

0:24:230:24:25

How do you know?

0:24:250:24:27

-That calls for a celebration.

-Really?

0:24:280:24:30

Come in next door, I'll buy you a drink.

0:24:300:24:32

Uh, I don't drink.

0:24:320:24:34

Well, have a cigar.

0:24:340:24:35

I don't smoke.

0:24:350:24:37

You don't drink, you don't smoke?

0:24:370:24:40

-What do you do?

-Read that telegram.

0:24:400:24:42

It's good, that, love, innit, eh?

0:24:440:24:46

-It's cheeky.

-Enjoying yourself?

0:24:460:24:48

-Yes.

-Why, what are you doing?

0:24:480:24:49

-Where are you from, love?

-Bishop Auckland.

0:24:530:24:55

Oh, Bishop Auckland!

0:24:550:24:56

Ooh, really?

0:24:580:24:59

Ooh, Bishop Auckland.

0:25:010:25:03

Oh!

0:25:040:25:06

-It's very posh there.

-Very posh.

-Oh, very posh.

0:25:060:25:09

Get your fish and chips in a violin case there!

0:25:090:25:11

-You shouldn't say things like that to these people.

-No?

0:25:130:25:16

This is a beautiful audience.

0:25:160:25:18

Look at the character, just look at the character on those faces.

0:25:180:25:21

Yeah, and look at the faces on those characters.

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You shouldn't really say that.

0:25:260:25:27

These people don't come here to be insulted, you know.

0:25:270:25:29

Where do they generally go?

0:25:290:25:32

Bishop Auckland!

0:25:320:25:33

I think you should apologise to the chairman for insulting his audience.

0:25:360:25:39

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

0:25:390:25:41

No, really and truthfully, I am sorry.

0:25:410:25:42

I'll apologise to you in French.

0:25:420:25:45

Do you speak French?

0:25:450:25:46

Heureusement, je peux me debrouiller.

0:25:460:25:48

-AUDIENCE:

-Ohhh!

0:25:490:25:52

I beg your pardon?

0:25:530:25:55

Je dis, je peux me debrouiller.

0:25:560:25:59

Yeah, you clean it up.

0:25:590:26:00

I'll apologise in German.

0:26:020:26:03

-Mr Sachs.

-Oh!

0:26:050:26:07

Do you mind idiots on this show?

0:26:070:26:08

I certainly do mind idiots on the show.

0:26:080:26:11

Well, would you mind him until I finish singing?

0:26:110:26:14

They don't think much of you, do they?

0:26:140:26:17

Maestro, Mary.

0:26:170:26:19

You know this.

0:26:210:26:23

# Her name was Mary, Mary

0:26:230:26:27

# Plain as any name can be... #

0:26:270:26:29

"And in society..."

0:26:290:26:31

# And in society

0:26:310:26:32

# Propriety

0:26:320:26:35

# Will say "Marie"

0:26:350:26:39

# But it was Mary, Mary... #

0:26:390:26:42

"Long before the fashion came."

0:26:420:26:44

# Long before the fashions came

0:26:440:26:47

# For there is something there

0:26:470:26:49

# That sounds so rare, it's a grand old name... #

0:26:490:26:54

All right!

0:27:520:27:53

Some among you will undoubtedly remember the honourable Emmeline.

0:28:040:28:09

Who could ever forget...

0:28:090:28:11

..her rendering

0:28:120:28:14

of I'm A Little Too Young To Know?

0:28:140:28:17

But she has since acquired some experience...

0:28:170:28:22

of eurhythmic dancing

0:28:220:28:25

and she's nearly learnt a song.

0:28:250:28:27

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:28:270:28:29

So here I am, it's my duty to foist her on you again.

0:28:290:28:32

Ladies and gentlemen, to your amazement,

0:28:320:28:36

the honourable Emmeline Wellington Boot!

0:28:360:28:41

CHEERING

0:28:410:28:43

LAUGHTER

0:28:540:28:56

-TUNELESSLY:

-# A hermit who dwells in these solitudes crossed me

0:29:030:29:10

# As wayworn and faint up the mountains I pressed

0:29:100:29:15

# The aged man leaned on his staff to accost me

0:29:170:29:22

# And proffered his cell as my mansion of rest

0:29:250:29:31

# And nay, dearest father, right onward I rove

0:29:310:29:35

# No rest but the grave for the pilgrim of love

0:29:350:29:41

# Fo-o-or the

0:29:420:29:46

# Pilgrim of love, for the pilgrim of love

0:29:460:29:51

# Rest but the grave

0:29:510:29:53

# Fo-o-or

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# The pilgrim of love

0:29:550:29:59

# But shaking his head, he denied my refusal

0:30:140:30:20

# And taking my hand to his cave I was led

0:30:200:30:25

# And there he laid bare all his wealth for perusal

0:30:250:30:30

# It quite overwhelmed me

0:30:360:30:39

# But bravely I said

0:30:390:30:42

# Nay, dearest father, right onward I rove

0:30:420:30:47

# No rest but the grave for the pilgrim of love... #

0:30:470:30:51

SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

0:30:510:30:53

# Fo-o-or the

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# Pilgrim of love, for the pilgrim of love

0:30:570:31:01

# No rest but the grave fo-o-or

0:31:010:31:05

# The pilgrim of love

0:31:050:31:09

# "I am but a maiden," I said to him blushing

0:31:090:31:15

# And mother has hopes of a wedding in white

0:31:170:31:22

# He answered, "Come taste of the grapes I've been crushing

0:31:240:31:28

# "Honi soit qui mal y pense"

0:31:310:31:34

# I said, "Quite"

0:31:340:31:36

# Yes, dearest father, I rest in your grove

0:31:360:31:42

# It seems the right place for the pilgrim of loove...love

0:31:420:31:47

# Fo-o-or the

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# Pilgrim of love, for the pilgrim of love

0:31:500:31:55

# It seems the right place

0:31:550:31:58

# Fo-o-o-o-o-orrr

0:31:580:32:03

# The pi-ilgr-i-im

0:32:030:32:08

# O-o-o-o-of

0:32:080:32:13

# Love. #

0:32:170:32:20

That was, of course, Ms Sheila Steafel.

0:32:390:32:42

And now, for you participatory reciprocity,

0:32:420:32:46

your own, your very, very own

0:32:460:32:50

Val Doonican!

0:32:500:32:52

Hey!

0:32:540:32:57

Ho!

0:32:570:32:58

Thank you!

0:33:010:33:03

# A half a dozen tourists stood outside a Limerick bar

0:33:130:33:17

# They thought they'd like to take a trip by Irish jaunting car

0:33:170:33:21

# They jumped up on the side seats and started down the street

0:33:210:33:25

# But they didn't see the character up in the driver's seat

0:33:250:33:29

# The jarvey was a leprechaun and had some magic powers

0:33:320:33:35

# He toured them through the Emerald Isle at 1,000mph

0:33:350:33:39

# A phantom horse was in the shafts and no-one was surprised

0:33:390:33:43

# For the jarvey was a leprechaun and he had them hypnotised

0:33:430:33:48

# He showed them Connemara on the way to Ireland's eye

0:33:480:33:52

# They heard him say that Galway Bay was frozen in July

0:33:520:33:55

# He had them kiss the Blarney Stone on Ballybunion Strand

0:33:550:33:59

# And a football team from Donegal was McNamara's band

0:33:590:34:03

# Yes, the jarvey was a leprechaun and did the trip so fast

0:34:030:34:08

# Although the horse had spouted wings, the pace it couldn't last

0:34:080:34:11

# He drove them up the airy mount and down the rushy glen

0:34:110:34:17

# And that jarvey and his passengers

0:34:170:34:21

# Were never seen again. #

0:34:210:34:29

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:34:300:34:32

Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

0:34:420:34:44

A very good evening to you. Have you had enough?

0:34:440:34:46

-AUDIENCE:

-No!

0:34:460:34:48

I'll sit down.

0:34:480:34:49

In case there's any people here who are not very well educated,

0:34:490:34:52

I would like to explain that that song,

0:34:520:34:53

the word "jarvey" in that song,

0:34:530:34:55

is simply an ancient Irish word meaning a sort of cabbie,

0:34:550:34:59

a fellow who drives a cab, or, in Ireland, a jaunting car,

0:34:590:35:02

so there we are.

0:35:020:35:03

I'm going to sing a song that I don't think you'll have

0:35:030:35:05

any problems understanding at all. Here we go.

0:35:050:35:08

# I'm going to marry in the fall

0:35:200:35:25

# And I ain't going to marry in the spring

0:35:250:35:30

# For I'm in love with a pretty girl

0:35:300:35:35

# She wears a diamond ring

0:35:350:35:40

# For I'm just a country boy

0:35:400:35:45

# Money have I none

0:35:450:35:50

# But I've got silver in the stars

0:35:500:35:56

# Gold in the morning sun

0:35:560:36:01

# Gold in the morning sun

0:36:010:36:05

# I'm never going to kiss the ruby lips

0:36:130:36:18

# Of the prettiest girl in town

0:36:180:36:23

# I'm never going to ask her if she'll marry me

0:36:230:36:28

# Cos I know she'll turn me down

0:36:280:36:33

# Cos I'm just a country boy

0:36:330:36:38

# Money have I none

0:36:380:36:43

# But I've got silver in the stars

0:36:430:36:48

# Gold in the morning sun

0:36:480:36:53

# Gold in the morning sun. #

0:36:530:37:01

Thank you!

0:37:150:37:17

Thank you. Thank you very much.

0:37:210:37:23

Thank you.

0:37:290:37:30

I think, before I sing the next song,

0:37:300:37:32

I would like to explain something and that is, to make it

0:37:320:37:34

a bit interesting, in-between each verse, just to keep you awake,

0:37:340:37:38

I've put little bits in for you to sing,

0:37:380:37:40

so keep your ears open. It goes from ordinary common songs

0:37:400:37:44

to rather good classical music,

0:37:440:37:46

so we'll have the lot. Are we ready? Here we go.

0:37:460:37:48

Now, just answer me. Shh...

0:37:480:37:51

-# Ah-ha

-Ah-ha

0:37:540:37:56

-# Ah-ha

-Ah-ha

0:37:560:37:58

-HIGHER:

-# Ah-ha

-Ah-ha

0:37:580:38:00

-LOWER:

-# Ah-ha

-Ah-ha

0:38:000:38:02

Sh!

0:38:040:38:06

# One fine, pleasant evening last summer

0:38:060:38:10

# I was strolling through Couvenemy

0:38:100:38:14

# When a couple of playboys was standing

0:38:140:38:18

# Before me I happened to see

0:38:180:38:22

# Now, to know what these fellas were up to

0:38:220:38:26

# A trifle I hastened my walk

0:38:260:38:30

# Pretty soon did I learn their profession

0:38:300:38:34

# When I got within line of their talk

0:38:340:38:38

-# Ah-ha

-Ah-ha

0:38:380:38:40

-# Ah-ha

-Ah-ha

0:38:400:38:42

-HIGHER:

-# Ah-ha

-Ah-ha

0:38:420:38:44

-LOWER:

-# Ah-ha

-Ah-ha

0:38:440:38:46

# Little Sir Echo, how do you do?

0:38:460:38:50

# Hello

0:38:500:38:52

# Hello... #

0:38:520:38:53

LAUGHTER

0:38:550:38:57

Second verse coming up.

0:38:590:39:01

# Now, one of these lads was the devil

0:39:010:39:05

# And the other was Bailiff McGlynn

0:39:050:39:09

# And, sure, one was as nice as the other

0:39:090:39:13

# For they both were as ugly as sin

0:39:130:39:17

# Says the oul' lad, "You know, I'm the devil

0:39:170:39:21

# "And you are the bailiff, I see"

0:39:210:39:25

# "Tis the devil himself," says the bailiff

0:39:250:39:28

# "Ah, sure, that beats the devil," says he

0:39:280:39:33

-# Ah-ha

-Ah-ha

0:39:330:39:35

-# Ah-ha

-Ah-ha

0:39:350:39:37

# La-la-la-la-la

0:39:370:39:41

# La-la-la-la-la

0:39:410:39:45

-TO TUNE OF "MY BONNIE LIES OVER THE OCEAN":

-# La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

0:39:450:39:48

# La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la... #

0:39:480:39:52

Whistle, get ready.

0:39:520:39:54

# La-la-la-la-la-la-la... #

0:39:570:39:59

AUDIENCE WHISTLE ALONG

0:39:590:40:02

Beautiful!

0:40:030:40:05

# Then the young lad ran out of the cottage

0:40:080:40:12

# And off with him over the fields

0:40:120:40:16

# "May the devil take you," says his mother

0:40:160:40:19

# As she rattled a stone off his heels

0:40:190:40:23

# "Ah, sure, why don't you take the young rascal?"

0:40:230:40:27

# "Your highness," the bailiff, he cried

0:40:270:40:31

# "Ah, it was not from the heart that the wish came"

0:40:310:40:35

# The devil he smiling replied

0:40:350:40:39

-# Ah-ha

-Ah-ha

0:40:390:40:41

-# Ah-ha

-Ah-ha

0:40:410:40:44

-TO TUNE OF "LA DONNA E MOBILE":

-# La-la-la-la-la-la

0:40:440:40:46

# La-la-la-la-la-la

0:40:460:40:48

# La-la-la-la-la-la

0:40:480:40:50

# La-la-la-la-la-la... #

0:40:500:40:52

Getting classical now. Ready? Here we go, next one.

0:40:540:40:59

-TO CLASSICAL WALTZ:

-# La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

0:40:590:41:03

# La-la-la-la-la-la

0:41:030:41:05

# La-la-la-la-la-la... #

0:41:050:41:08

-LAUGHTER

-Do you mind? Wait for me.

0:41:080:41:11

Here we go. Clever one.

0:41:130:41:17

Three, four...

0:41:170:41:19

# La-la-la-la Ha-ha-ha!

0:41:190:41:21

# La-la-la-la Ha-ha-ha!

0:41:210:41:23

# La-la-la-la Ha-ha-ha!

0:41:230:41:25

# La-la-la-la Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! #

0:41:250:41:28

I've been looking forward to this one.

0:41:300:41:32

Ready?

0:41:320:41:34

After four. Two, three, four...

0:41:340:41:37

# Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daddle-da

0:41:370:41:40

# Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daddle-da

0:41:400:41:42

# Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daddle-da

0:41:420:41:45

# Daddle-da-daddle-da-da! #

0:41:450:41:46

By Jove, that was great!

0:41:460:41:48

Well, what more can I say, really?

0:41:570:41:59

All I can think of this -

0:41:590:42:01

ladies and gentlemen, here we go.

0:42:010:42:04

# Goodbye, goodbye

0:42:040:42:07

# I wish you all a last goodbye! #

0:42:070:42:15

CHEERING

0:42:350:42:38

Now there's just time to ask Mr Val Doonican

0:42:440:42:46

to lead the company and yourselves

0:42:460:42:49

in the last chorus for tonight, Down At The Old Bull & Bush.

0:42:490:42:52

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Val Doonican, the entire company,

0:42:520:42:56

Mr Bernard Herrmann and the entire and indefatigable orchestra...

0:42:560:43:00

CHEERING

0:43:000:43:03

..but this time, chiefly...

0:43:030:43:06

-ALL:

-Yourselves!

0:43:060:43:08

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

0:43:120:43:16

# Down at the old Bull & Bush, tra-la-la-la-la

0:43:160:43:20

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

0:43:200:43:24

# Down at the old Bull & Bush

0:43:240:43:27

# Hear the little German band, la-la-la-la-la-la-la

0:43:280:43:32

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

0:43:320:43:36

# Do, do come and have a drink or two

0:43:360:43:39

# Down at the old Bull & Bush

0:43:390:43:43

# Bush, Bush! #

0:43:430:43:45

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:450:43:48

Leonard Sachs presents an edition of the old time music hall programme, first broadcast on 20 January 1977. With Val Doonican, Sheila Steafel, Rita Morris, Dailey & Wayne, and members of the Players' Theatre, London.


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