31/01/1978 The Good Old Days

AUDIENCE: # Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay

# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay

# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay

# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay

# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay

# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay

# Ta-ra-ra

# Boom-de-ay

# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay

# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay

# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay

# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay

# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay. #

THEY CHEER

FANFARE PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Once again...

..good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

-Good evening!

-Lovely!

Reiteratively - that's once again...

..preliminarily promoting prolongation of your plaudits,

four aquatic inconsequentialities

from absolutely inexhaustible,

the Players Theatre!

APPLAUSE

BAND PLAYS

# Cruising down the river

# On a Sunday afternoon

# With one you love, the sun above

# Waiting for the moon

# The old accordion playing a sentimental tune

# Cruising down the river on a Sunday afternoon

# The birds above all sing of love

# A gentle sweet refrain

# The winds around all make a sound like softly falling rain.

# Just two of us together

# We'll plan a honeymoon

# Cruising down the river on a Sunday afternoon.

# I like to float in a cosy rowing boat

# Up the river on a Sunday afternoon

# With the sound of music blowing

# I don't care tuppence where I'm going

# I like to glide with a girlie by my side

# It sets him all awhirl

# You can have the sea

# He's as happy as can be

# Floating with my boating girl

# Young Johnny Jones He had a cute little boat

# And all the girlies He would take for a float

# He had girlies on the shore

# Sweet little peaches by the score

# But Master Johnny was a wise one, you know

# His steady girl was Flo

# And every Sunday afternoon

# She'd jump in his boat and they would spoon

# And then he'd row, row, row

# Way up the river he would row, row, row

# A hug he'd give her

# Then he'd kiss her now and then

# She would tell him when

# They'd fool around and fool around

# And then they'd kiss again

# And then he'd row, row, row

# A little further he would row

# Then he'd drop both his oars Take a few more encores

# And then he'd row, row, row

# And then he'd row, row, row

# Way up the river he would row, row, row

# A hug he'd give her Then he'd kiss her now and then

# She would tell him when

# They'd fool around and fool around And then they'd kiss again

# And then he'd row, row, row

# A little further he would row

# Then he'd drop both his oars Take a few more encores

# And then he'd row, row, row

# And then he'd row, row, row. #

APPLAUSE

Unmistakingly choreographed corybantics

crystallise the stimulant synchronisation

of terpsichorean simultaneity.

CHEERING

Dancing together, ladies and gentlemen...

Mr Bill Drysdale and Miss Chrissie Cartwright!

APPLAUSE

BAND PLAYS

APPLAUSE

Reeking, redolent of rasticity.

We ask for your overwhelming warmth of welcome for the newest newcomer

to our programme, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Jacqueline Clarke!

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

SHE SCREECHES AND GIGGLES

SHE CACKLES

Ooh. Oh...

Oh.

This be Petal, my pet crab.

Now, you watch her cos she be nippy, now.

# I'm just as happy as a girl can be

# Upon my word it's true

# I'm so very happy that I don't know which

# Or what I be going to do

# I'm in love and just engaged to a man who ploughs the seas

# He fishes for a living

# But he fished last night on land and he caught me

# And he calls me his own Grace Darling

# He says I am his pet

# I found a plaice

# Within his sole

# That is no cod, you bet

# When he asks me do I loves him

# I answers...

SHE GIGGLES AWKWARDLY

"Ooh, not 'arf!"

# I likes him for his whiskers cos they tickles me and makes me larf!

Ooh!

Ooh! Ha-ha-ha...

Ooh...

Ah!

# When in the moonlight on a beach we spoon

# He is so very shy

# He looks me straight in the eyeball

# Then heaves a great big sigh

# He says I am his angel

# Yes! An angel without wings

# He's not very pretty but upon my word

# He do do some nice things

# And he calls me his own Grace Darling

# He says I am his pet

# I found a plaice

# Within his sole

# That is no cod, you bet

# When he asks me do I loves him, I answers...

"Hur! Har-har... Ooh, not 'arf!"

# I likes him for his whiskers cos they tickles me and makes me larf

# When he asks me do I loves him

# I answers, "Oh, not 'arf!" Come on, Petal!

# I likes him for his whiskers cos they tickles me and makes me larf! #

APPLAUSE

Esoteric occultism,

magical mystification, apocalyptical...

That's out of the Bible.

..arcana from Professor Ali Ben Zimbali!

APPLAUSE

In a moment, ladies and gentlemen,

I'm going to do some magic that will astound and mystify you. Ha-ha!

It gets better.

In all seriousness, ladies and gentlemen,

I have here a magic cabinet costing thousands of pounds.

I'm going to take two gentlemen from this very audience,

place them inside the box and make them disappear.

Impossible, you might think.

Before this, I require two volunteers.

Mr Sachs, could you find me any two gentlemen from the audience, please?

-Well, there's two young gentleman over there.

-Don't be shy.

Any two gentlemen just come up on the stage. Oh, we've got two there.

Very kind. Would you give them a round of applause, please?

APPLAUSE

Thank you. I have here two gentlemen that I can assure... I...

-Excuse me, is this yours?

-Yes.

-Well, don't give it to me, will you?

Thank you very much. Right, now, just examine the cabinet

to make sure there are no trap doors or switches...

That's close enough, son. Right, now...

LAUGHTER

I have here one box.

To show the ladies and gentleman that it is not on a trap door

could I have it a little further over to the centre, please?

Thank you. Now, we will...

What are you doing? You'll have me down the stairs in a minute.

Where's he gone? Oi! Oi!

Look, I don't want it down there, do I? I'm...

-Is this yours?

-Yeah.

-Well, keep a hold of it. Don't give it to me.

Now, take the cabinet to the centre.

Thank you. Just the centre.

Right, now... Whoa! Whoa!

What's the matter?

Are you on the tablets or something? What's the matter?

Get out of the way. I'll do it myself. There we are. Whoa.

Right, now, here we have the cabinet in the centre...

A little further down, please, so that... Whoa! Whoa!

LAUGHTER

Move up, I'll be with you in a minute, sir.

I don't want it over there.

Right, finally, here we have the cabinet, right in the centre...

Oi, oi, oi!

Did you touch that cabinet?

-No.

-Well, who did, then?

Would you kindly not touch the box?

Now, I'll ask the gentle...

What's the matter with you?

I've lost my stick.

I mean, you come up here and you expect me...

HOOTS OF LAUGHTER

-Is this yours?

-Yes.

Frightened the life out of that lady there, now take that!

I'll show you the cabinet is absolutely genuine, one solid...

HE TAPS BOX LOUDLY ..mahogany...cabinet!

You will notice by the way I was tapping that box, there was no...

OTHERS TAP BOX LOUDLY You...

Oh, look, get off the thing, what are you trying to do?

Now... LAUGHTER

I won't bother with him, I'll take the... Where has he gone?

I will take this gentleman here... I will...

I won't bother with those two.

I'll show you the cabinet is absolutely and positively...

EMPTY! Oh, get out of there!

You're spoiling the whole trick. Now, get out of it.

So sorry about this. Now, come here, you.

You're the troublemaker here. Now, come here!

Come here when I'm talking...

A-ha!

CYMBALS CRASH

You... CYMBALS CRASH

Who told you to take that box?

Right, just put the side on, will you, please?

There we are. Right, I'll put the front on.

Now, I'll pick this part up...

You're standing on the...

Get off!

Right, now, I'll pick the front up and I'll...

CYMBALS CRASH

Was that you? I'm watching you!

I'll pick the front up and I'll place the front...

Here, further, further!

DRUMROLL, CYMBALS CRASH

Do have a bit of sense, gentlemen!

Right, now, I'll pick the front up, place front on the box like that...

I'll show you the cabinet's the same all the way round.

Here's one side, here's the front...

BAND PLAYS UP-TEMPO TUNE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

You can't be so cruel...

..as to ask for more!

The epicentre, I need hardly tell you, of that panicked pandemonium,

was Mr Bryan Burdon!

And now, inflammatorily flirtatious femininity,

infallibly fascinating frivolity,

Miss Stephanie Voss!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BAND PLAYS

# While strolling through the park one day

# In the merry, merry month of May

# I was taken by surprise By a pair of roguish eyes

# In a moment my poor heart was stole away

# A smile was all he gave to me...

Ah!

# But I felt as happy as I could be

Ah!

# A-a-ah! He immediately raised his hat

# And as he passed, he did remark

# I never shall forget the charmer that I met

# That happy day while strolling through the park!

Oh! But I thought no more about him...

For I had other beaux

until some three weeks later,

through the park I chanced to go...

# On a sunny, Sunday morning

# In the middle of the month of June

# Fatigued with walking in the heat

# I sought the shade of an arbour sweet

# For I felt that I was fit to swoon!

# I found a place 'Twas seeming fare

SHE GASPS

# But a disgrace

# A man was the-e-e-e-e-re!

# On a sunny Sunday morning

# In the middle of the month of June

# He waylaid me so eagerly

# Entreating me, was I free to be

# His beloved for the afternoon

# I asked the man what did he mean?

# And then began that

# Fateful scene...

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh, no!

# O-o-o-on a sunny Sunday morning

# In the middle of the month of June

# He flew at me and held me tight

# I fought him off with all my might

GUFFAWS

# But a lady weakens all too soon

-AUDIENCE:

-No-o-o-o-o!

# This fly at length was in his web

# I felt my strength

# Begin to ebb

# He sighed

# I cried

# He tried...

# I died!

Practically!

# On a sunny Sunday morning!

Ooh!

# So, if strolling through the park one day

# In the merry month of June or May

# Don't be taken by surprise

# By a pair of roguish eyes...

SHE GASPS

# Or you'll end up just like me...

Ah!

# The family way! #

Oh, darling!

APPLAUSE

A global coagulation...

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

-..embodying pulchritudinous...

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

..ubiquitousness!

Beauty everywhere! Introducing Mr Peter Reeves!

BAND PLAYS, APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, sir. Thank you very much indeed. Good evening.

# Travellers all complain When back home again

# From across the main That tho' they might obtain

# Rubies, diamonds and pearls They were always short of girls

# And they'll tell you how they long to gaze on sweet peroxide curls

# But those tales about no girls are tommy-rot

# It's to keep you lot at home, I'll tell you what

# There are nice girls everywhere

# There are nice girls everywhere

# From Peru to Timbuktu

# There's a girl for me And a girl for you

# From the mountains of Piccadilly

# To the wilds of Leicester Square

# Search every land Up the Pall or down the Strand

# There are nice girls everywhere

# I've been round the map And I say a chap

# Can easily set his cap At any maiden that

# Takes his fancy anywhere Tall or short or dark or fair

# If he'll lonely serenade her In a manner debonair

# And can tell her in her language of her charms

# Then he'll find a way to get into her arms...

In Germany, for instance, the girls all think it's grand if you

sing a serenade learned from a waltzing German band.

BAVARIAN-STYLE WALTZ

Ja, ja, ja, ja!

# Ich lieb' mein' blond' fraulein, Berta

# She is meine kleine Frankfurter

# Meine Schickse She is such delight

# In fact, she's real Gemutlichkeit!

# Wir waltz und waltz the whole night long

# Ze waltz musich goes on und on

# Till I cry out Strauss! Rauss!

# But mein Berta never halts Eating, drinking, always waltz

# Ja, mein Berta does everything in waltz time! #

You know it's very disturbing

when you are loving a girl

who does everything to the rhythm of the waltz.

Eating, um-tom-tom, um-tom-tom.

Drinking, oom-pom-pom, oom-pom-pom.

Talking even!

RYTHMICALLY: Guten Morgen, how are you? I am fine.

Thank you. It's a nice day today.

Jawohl.

And some activities become virtually impossible.

LAUGHTER

# Ja, mein Bertha does everything in waltz time! #

Jawohl.

APPLAUSE

In Spain, each senorita's flashing eye was turned my way when I

sang them strange flamenco songs in accents wild and gay.

FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYS

HE MUTTERS

TRUMPET FLOURISH

# La la la la. #

WITH SPANISH ACCENT: Good evening.

I would like to singing for you,

very good flamenco song that I sing to this girl in Spain.

I tell her my name is Juan.

She not impressed,

she say, "When you've seen Juan you have seen 'em all!"

LAUGHTER

Very beautiful flamenco, it's called the Cantar de Abuelo.

The Song of the Grandfather.

But a very old man.

Sometime this is also called Retribution.

Because it's swift and terrible.

It's a very beautiful song.

The Cantar de Abuelo. Senor, hai hai.

VIOLIN INTRO

HE MIMICS FLAMENCO SINGING

Ole!

HE GROWLS AND MUTTERS

LAUGHTER

MUTTERING

INDISTINCT MUTTERING

And stay there!

# Mi cantar

# A-a-a-a-a-a

# A-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa

# Ahhhhhhh

# De mi abuelo! #

Ole!

SPANISH MUSIC PLAYS

HE SINGS A COUPLE OF NOTES

# My old grandfather had a beard

# The longest in the world

# It grew right down below his knees

# It was long and grey and curled

# One day we shaved the beard right off

# And saw a sight bizarre

# For when the beard had disappeared

# We found it was grandma!

# Ole! #

MUSICAL FLOURISH

CHEERING

From Spain, velocitous,

virtuosity invincible in ambidextrous

circumrotatory projectiles

interjectural trajectory.

AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

Hand, foot and mouth.

LAUGHTER

Juggling!

Ladies and gentlemen,

Valente-Valente!

LIVELY MUSICAL INTRO

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

MUSIC STOPS APPLAUSE

DRUM SOLO

APPLAUSE

DRUM SOLO CONTINUES

ORCHSTRAL FLOURISH

APPLAUSE

You like it?

-Hm...

-No?

SHE LAUGHS

Let's see...something special.

DRUMBEAT MATCHES BOUNCE OF BALL

What are you doing?! Oh!

HE WHISTLES

Oh!

RAPID DRUM BEATS

APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

-Yoo-hoo!

-Hello, you. Ready?

What's that? Funny.

DRUM BEATS MATCH BALL

CHEERING

DRUMMING

ORCHESTRA PLAYS JAUNTY TUNE

AUDIENCE: OH!

AUDIENCE: Oooooh!

AUDIENCE GASPS

Now that's what I call real spit and polish.

LAUGHTER

Illimitably lugubrious lucubrations

illumine the immeasurably melancholic meanderings

of none other than the one and only

Mr Les Dawson!

APPLAUSE

BAND PLAYS

BAND STOPS ABRUPTLY

LAUGHTER

Thank you for your applause. You have impeccable taste.

However the warmth of your welcome has plunged me

into a somewhat retrospective mood.

May I have a little sombre music, please?

VIOLIN PLAYS

What a wonderful violinist. He can play till the cows come home.

And it sounds as though they've arrived.

Some years ago, ladies and gentlemen,

I went through a traumatic period in my life.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw...

I teetered on the very abyss

of total despair.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw...

Dame Fortune had deserted me.

I was so unlucky, I bought some bananas once

and when I peeled them they were empty.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

I remember once I backed a horse in the Grand National

and it fell in the paddock.

And then the wife, she'd had enough. She...

she ran off with the fella next door and I did miss him.

LAUGHTER

I became a coward. I fled the concrete carnival we call city...

and I sought sanctuary in the country.

I remember that I wandered through a valley of timeless serenity,

heather-clad hills and wind-rippled meadows

stretched in languor towards a forest of stately elms...

..wherein whose beckoning greenery...

feathered choruses trilled on high

in a cacophony of praise to the ultimate architect.

Darting minnows in a chuckling brook

escorted me to an old Tudor cottage

that knelt by the side of a spilling orchard.

The cottage had a garden of wondrous beauty to behold -

strutting tulips and wild violets,

highly scented honeysuckle and trailing jasmine

that jostled in a confused riot of colour

towards an herbaceous border...

..where I spied an elderly lady in a faded velvet dress...

a faded velvet dress, who stooped,

tending to a rain-bruised marigold.

I doffed my cap in the manner born

and said, "Madam, what is the secret of your wonderful garden?"

She looked at me with a face that was the colour of the autumn sky

and said very simply,

"Horse muck."

LAUGHTER

Of course, things have improved since then.

In fact, my home life is now marvellous.

This morning, in fact, the wife gave me breakfast in bed.

It slid off the plate when she threw it.

I didn't mind. I found there was something strangely erotic about

a grilled kipper on quilt.

I know why she was annoyed.

I'd spilled hot cocoa down the front of her nightdress.

Serves me right for wearing it.

She was crouched in the doorway,

bristling like a frustrated warthog.

She had a towel round her head and she had a mud pack on her face.

She looked like a bilious Gunga Din.

I don't know why she bothers because if beauty's skin deep,

the wife's going through life inside out.

She undressed the other night without drawing the bedroom curtains

and a Peeping Tom across the road gave himself up.

Time and time again,

I've asked myself, "Why did I marry the Gorgon?"

I'd no need to, you know. I could have let her father shoot me.

And to think that once there was a great romance in my life.

PIANO PLAYS: Romeo & Juliet Overture by Tchaikovsky

Her name was Agatha Boulderbottom.

She had two sisters but they died of embarrassment.

I met her on a funfair in the tunnel of love.

She was digging it.

To me, she was the very embodiment

of everything I'd ever sought in womanhood.

She had no figure, she was thin.

I don't know why she wore a brassiere.

I've seen bigger lumps in oatmeal.

I remember we went to a fancy dress ball.

She pulled her purple knickers over her head

and won first prize as a bruised damson.

But our...

our love was not meant to be.

I took her to a gay French restaurant.

A gay French restaurant in Huddersfield called the Chez By Gum.

The menu was all in French. I ordered...

HE SAYS FRENCH-SOUNDING WORDS

The waiter said, "You can't have that. It's the band."

So I had cod and chips.

Agatha didn't like fish. I said, "Well, you have a tongue salad."

She said, "I never eat anything from an animal's mouth."

So she had an egg.

LAUGHTER

With the light of the candle on the table between us,

I could tell she was visibly moved when I told her of my love.

I bent across the candle to kiss her lips.

She snatched her head away angrily and I fell on the candle.

It took the head waiter 15 minutes to get the wick from up my nose.

When I looked up with wax on my face,

she'd gone. I...

never saw her again but I heard that she became

a welder in a trifle factory.

Apparently while playing crib with the foreman, she overbalanced and

fell into a vat of lukewarm raspberry jelly.

I can only hope that somewhere,

Agatha is set for life.

And so to all young lovers everywhere...

seize the moment!

LAUGHTER

Seize the moment for your passion,

let nought destroy your pursuit.

And all I can say to you everywhere is...

..get stuck in! Ooh! Go on!

BAND PLAYS

APPLAUSE

George M Cohan's songs

contribute to our compendium of conviviality,

transatlantic patriotism

with the Players' Theatre plus Miss Lorna Luft.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

BAND PLAYS MILITARY FANFARE

# Give my regards to Broadway

# Remember me to Herald Square

# Tell all the gang on 42nd Street

# That I will soon be there

# Whisper of how I'm yearning

# To mingle with the old time throng

# Give my regards to old Broadway

# And tell them I'll be there e'er long

# Over there, over there

# Send the word Send the word over there

# That the Yanks are coming

# The Yanks are coming

# They're hum-drum-drumming everywhere

# So prepare

# Say a prayer

# Send the word Send the word over there

# For we'll be over We're coming over

# And we won't come back till it's over, over there

# You're a grand old flag

# You're a high-flying flag

# And forever in peace may you wave

# You're the emblem of

# The land I love

# The home of the free and the brave

# Ev'ry heart beats true

# For the red, white and blue

# And there's never a boast or brag

# So should old acquaintance be forgot

# Keep your eye on that grand old...

SNARE PLAYS MILITARY BEAT

# I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy

# Yankee Doodle, do or die

# A real live nephew of my Uncle Sam

# Born on the Fourth of July

# I've got a Yankee Doodle sweetheart

# He's my Yankee Doodle joy

# Yankee Doodle went to London

# Just to ride the ponies

# I am that Yankee Doodle boy

# I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy

# Yankee Doodle, do or die

# We'll be over

# We're coming over

# And we won't come back till it's over, over there

# Yankee Doodle came to London

# Just to ride the ponies

# I am that Yankee Doodle boy

# But should old acquaintance be forgot

# Keep your eye on that grand old flag

# And give my regards to old Broadway

# I am that Yankee Doodle

# She is that Yankee Doodle

# I am that Yankee Doodle

# Boy! #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And now, ladies and gentlemen, there is just time to ask

Mr Les Dawson to lead the company and yourselves

in the last chorus for tonight, Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Les Dawson, the entire company,

Mr Bernard Herrmann, the entire and indefatigable orchestra...

CHEERING

..but this time, chiefly...

ALL: ..yourselves!

MUSIC: Down At The Old Bull And Bush by Florrie Forde

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

# Down at the old Bull and Bush La-la-la-la-la

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

# Hear the little German band La, la-la-la-la, la-la

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

# Come, come, come and have a drink or two

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

# Bush-Bush! #

APPLAUSE