31/01/1978 The Good Old Days


31/01/1978

Leonard Sachs chairs the old-time music hall programme. With Les Dawson, Lorna Luft, Stephanie Voss, Bryan Burdon, Bill Drysdale, Chrissie Cartwright and Peter Reeves.


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Transcript


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AUDIENCE: # Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay

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# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay

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# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay

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# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay

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# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay

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# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay

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# Ta-ra-ra

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# Boom-de-ay

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# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay

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# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay

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# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay

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# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay

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# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay. #

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THEY CHEER

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FANFARE PLAYS

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Once again...

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..good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

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-Good evening!

-Lovely!

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Reiteratively - that's once again...

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..preliminarily promoting prolongation of your plaudits,

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four aquatic inconsequentialities

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from absolutely inexhaustible,

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the Players Theatre!

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APPLAUSE

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BAND PLAYS

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# Cruising down the river

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# On a Sunday afternoon

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# With one you love, the sun above

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# Waiting for the moon

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# The old accordion playing a sentimental tune

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# Cruising down the river on a Sunday afternoon

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# The birds above all sing of love

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# A gentle sweet refrain

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# The winds around all make a sound like softly falling rain.

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# Just two of us together

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# We'll plan a honeymoon

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# Cruising down the river on a Sunday afternoon.

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# I like to float in a cosy rowing boat

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# Up the river on a Sunday afternoon

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# With the sound of music blowing

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# I don't care tuppence where I'm going

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# I like to glide with a girlie by my side

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# It sets him all awhirl

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# You can have the sea

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# He's as happy as can be

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# Floating with my boating girl

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# Young Johnny Jones He had a cute little boat

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# And all the girlies He would take for a float

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# He had girlies on the shore

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# Sweet little peaches by the score

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# But Master Johnny was a wise one, you know

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# His steady girl was Flo

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# And every Sunday afternoon

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# She'd jump in his boat and they would spoon

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# And then he'd row, row, row

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# Way up the river he would row, row, row

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# A hug he'd give her

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# Then he'd kiss her now and then

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# She would tell him when

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# They'd fool around and fool around

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# And then they'd kiss again

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# And then he'd row, row, row

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# A little further he would row

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# Then he'd drop both his oars Take a few more encores

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# And then he'd row, row, row

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# And then he'd row, row, row

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# Way up the river he would row, row, row

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# A hug he'd give her Then he'd kiss her now and then

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# She would tell him when

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# They'd fool around and fool around And then they'd kiss again

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# And then he'd row, row, row

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# A little further he would row

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# Then he'd drop both his oars Take a few more encores

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# And then he'd row, row, row

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# And then he'd row, row, row. #

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APPLAUSE

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Unmistakingly choreographed corybantics

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crystallise the stimulant synchronisation

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of terpsichorean simultaneity.

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CHEERING

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Dancing together, ladies and gentlemen...

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Mr Bill Drysdale and Miss Chrissie Cartwright!

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APPLAUSE

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BAND PLAYS

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APPLAUSE

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Reeking, redolent of rasticity.

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We ask for your overwhelming warmth of welcome for the newest newcomer

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to our programme, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Jacqueline Clarke!

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APPLAUSE

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LAUGHTER

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SHE SCREECHES AND GIGGLES

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SHE CACKLES

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Ooh. Oh...

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Oh.

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This be Petal, my pet crab.

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Now, you watch her cos she be nippy, now.

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# I'm just as happy as a girl can be

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# Upon my word it's true

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# I'm so very happy that I don't know which

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# Or what I be going to do

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# I'm in love and just engaged to a man who ploughs the seas

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# He fishes for a living

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# But he fished last night on land and he caught me

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# And he calls me his own Grace Darling

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# He says I am his pet

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# I found a plaice

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# Within his sole

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# That is no cod, you bet

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# When he asks me do I loves him

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# I answers...

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SHE GIGGLES AWKWARDLY

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"Ooh, not 'arf!"

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# I likes him for his whiskers cos they tickles me and makes me larf!

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Ooh!

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Ooh! Ha-ha-ha...

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Ooh...

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Ah!

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# When in the moonlight on a beach we spoon

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# He is so very shy

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# He looks me straight in the eyeball

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# Then heaves a great big sigh

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# He says I am his angel

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# Yes! An angel without wings

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# He's not very pretty but upon my word

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# He do do some nice things

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# And he calls me his own Grace Darling

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# He says I am his pet

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# I found a plaice

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# Within his sole

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# That is no cod, you bet

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# When he asks me do I loves him, I answers...

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"Hur! Har-har... Ooh, not 'arf!"

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# I likes him for his whiskers cos they tickles me and makes me larf

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# When he asks me do I loves him

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# I answers, "Oh, not 'arf!" Come on, Petal!

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# I likes him for his whiskers cos they tickles me and makes me larf! #

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APPLAUSE

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Esoteric occultism,

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magical mystification, apocalyptical...

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That's out of the Bible.

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..arcana from Professor Ali Ben Zimbali!

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APPLAUSE

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In a moment, ladies and gentlemen,

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I'm going to do some magic that will astound and mystify you. Ha-ha!

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It gets better.

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In all seriousness, ladies and gentlemen,

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I have here a magic cabinet costing thousands of pounds.

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I'm going to take two gentlemen from this very audience,

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place them inside the box and make them disappear.

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Impossible, you might think.

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Before this, I require two volunteers.

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Mr Sachs, could you find me any two gentlemen from the audience, please?

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-Well, there's two young gentleman over there.

-Don't be shy.

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Any two gentlemen just come up on the stage. Oh, we've got two there.

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Very kind. Would you give them a round of applause, please?

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you. I have here two gentlemen that I can assure... I...

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-Excuse me, is this yours?

-Yes.

-Well, don't give it to me, will you?

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Thank you very much. Right, now, just examine the cabinet

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to make sure there are no trap doors or switches...

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That's close enough, son. Right, now...

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LAUGHTER

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I have here one box.

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To show the ladies and gentleman that it is not on a trap door

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could I have it a little further over to the centre, please?

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Thank you. Now, we will...

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What are you doing? You'll have me down the stairs in a minute.

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Where's he gone? Oi! Oi!

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Look, I don't want it down there, do I? I'm...

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-Is this yours?

-Yeah.

-Well, keep a hold of it. Don't give it to me.

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Now, take the cabinet to the centre.

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Thank you. Just the centre.

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Right, now... Whoa! Whoa!

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What's the matter?

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Are you on the tablets or something? What's the matter?

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Get out of the way. I'll do it myself. There we are. Whoa.

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Right, now, here we have the cabinet in the centre...

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A little further down, please, so that... Whoa! Whoa!

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LAUGHTER

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Move up, I'll be with you in a minute, sir.

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I don't want it over there.

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Right, finally, here we have the cabinet, right in the centre...

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Oi, oi, oi!

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Did you touch that cabinet?

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-No.

-Well, who did, then?

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Would you kindly not touch the box?

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Now, I'll ask the gentle...

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What's the matter with you?

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I've lost my stick.

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I mean, you come up here and you expect me...

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HOOTS OF LAUGHTER

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-Is this yours?

-Yes.

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Frightened the life out of that lady there, now take that!

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I'll show you the cabinet is absolutely genuine, one solid...

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HE TAPS BOX LOUDLY ..mahogany...cabinet!

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You will notice by the way I was tapping that box, there was no...

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OTHERS TAP BOX LOUDLY You...

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Oh, look, get off the thing, what are you trying to do?

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Now... LAUGHTER

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I won't bother with him, I'll take the... Where has he gone?

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I will take this gentleman here... I will...

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I won't bother with those two.

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I'll show you the cabinet is absolutely and positively...

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EMPTY! Oh, get out of there!

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You're spoiling the whole trick. Now, get out of it.

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So sorry about this. Now, come here, you.

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You're the troublemaker here. Now, come here!

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Come here when I'm talking...

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A-ha!

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CYMBALS CRASH

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You... CYMBALS CRASH

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Who told you to take that box?

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Right, just put the side on, will you, please?

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There we are. Right, I'll put the front on.

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Now, I'll pick this part up...

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You're standing on the...

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Get off!

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Right, now, I'll pick the front up and I'll...

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CYMBALS CRASH

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Was that you? I'm watching you!

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I'll pick the front up and I'll place the front...

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Here, further, further!

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DRUMROLL, CYMBALS CRASH

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Do have a bit of sense, gentlemen!

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Right, now, I'll pick the front up, place front on the box like that...

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I'll show you the cabinet's the same all the way round.

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Here's one side, here's the front...

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BAND PLAYS UP-TEMPO TUNE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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You can't be so cruel...

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..as to ask for more!

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The epicentre, I need hardly tell you, of that panicked pandemonium,

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was Mr Bryan Burdon!

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And now, inflammatorily flirtatious femininity,

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infallibly fascinating frivolity,

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Miss Stephanie Voss!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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BAND PLAYS

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# While strolling through the park one day

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# In the merry, merry month of May

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# I was taken by surprise By a pair of roguish eyes

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# In a moment my poor heart was stole away

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# A smile was all he gave to me...

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Ah!

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# But I felt as happy as I could be

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Ah!

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# A-a-ah! He immediately raised his hat

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# And as he passed, he did remark

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# I never shall forget the charmer that I met

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# That happy day while strolling through the park!

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Oh! But I thought no more about him...

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For I had other beaux

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until some three weeks later,

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through the park I chanced to go...

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# On a sunny, Sunday morning

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# In the middle of the month of June

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# Fatigued with walking in the heat

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# I sought the shade of an arbour sweet

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# For I felt that I was fit to swoon!

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# I found a place 'Twas seeming fare

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SHE GASPS

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# But a disgrace

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# A man was the-e-e-e-e-re!

0:19:450:19:50

# On a sunny Sunday morning

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# In the middle of the month of June

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# He waylaid me so eagerly

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# Entreating me, was I free to be

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# His beloved for the afternoon

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# I asked the man what did he mean?

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# And then began that

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# Fateful scene...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Oh, no!

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# O-o-o-on a sunny Sunday morning

0:20:290:20:33

# In the middle of the month of June

0:20:330:20:36

# He flew at me and held me tight

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# I fought him off with all my might

0:20:400:20:45

GUFFAWS

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# But a lady weakens all too soon

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-AUDIENCE:

-No-o-o-o-o!

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# This fly at length was in his web

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# I felt my strength

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# Begin to ebb

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# He sighed

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# I cried

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# He tried...

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# I died!

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Practically!

0:21:230:21:26

# On a sunny Sunday morning!

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Ooh!

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# So, if strolling through the park one day

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# In the merry month of June or May

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# Don't be taken by surprise

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# By a pair of roguish eyes...

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SHE GASPS

0:21:540:21:57

# Or you'll end up just like me...

0:21:570:22:01

Ah!

0:22:010:22:03

# The family way! #

0:22:030:22:08

Oh, darling!

0:22:100:22:13

APPLAUSE

0:22:170:22:20

A global coagulation...

0:22:280:22:31

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

0:22:310:22:33

-..embodying pulchritudinous...

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

0:22:330:22:37

..ubiquitousness!

0:22:370:22:40

Beauty everywhere! Introducing Mr Peter Reeves!

0:22:400:22:46

BAND PLAYS, APPLAUSE

0:22:460:22:49

Thank you very much, sir. Thank you very much indeed. Good evening.

0:22:490:22:53

# Travellers all complain When back home again

0:22:530:22:57

# From across the main That tho' they might obtain

0:22:570:23:01

# Rubies, diamonds and pearls They were always short of girls

0:23:010:23:04

# And they'll tell you how they long to gaze on sweet peroxide curls

0:23:040:23:09

# But those tales about no girls are tommy-rot

0:23:090:23:13

# It's to keep you lot at home, I'll tell you what

0:23:130:23:18

# There are nice girls everywhere

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# There are nice girls everywhere

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# From Peru to Timbuktu

0:23:270:23:31

# There's a girl for me And a girl for you

0:23:310:23:35

# From the mountains of Piccadilly

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# To the wilds of Leicester Square

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# Search every land Up the Pall or down the Strand

0:23:430:23:46

# There are nice girls everywhere

0:23:460:23:50

# I've been round the map And I say a chap

0:23:500:23:54

# Can easily set his cap At any maiden that

0:23:540:23:58

# Takes his fancy anywhere Tall or short or dark or fair

0:23:580:24:01

# If he'll lonely serenade her In a manner debonair

0:24:010:24:06

# And can tell her in her language of her charms

0:24:060:24:10

# Then he'll find a way to get into her arms...

0:24:100:24:15

In Germany, for instance, the girls all think it's grand if you

0:24:150:24:19

sing a serenade learned from a waltzing German band.

0:24:190:24:24

BAVARIAN-STYLE WALTZ

0:24:240:24:26

Ja, ja, ja, ja!

0:24:260:24:29

# Ich lieb' mein' blond' fraulein, Berta

0:24:290:24:33

# She is meine kleine Frankfurter

0:24:330:24:37

# Meine Schickse She is such delight

0:24:370:24:41

# In fact, she's real Gemutlichkeit!

0:24:410:24:45

# Wir waltz und waltz the whole night long

0:24:450:24:50

# Ze waltz musich goes on und on

0:24:500:24:54

# Till I cry out Strauss! Rauss!

0:24:540:24:58

# But mein Berta never halts Eating, drinking, always waltz

0:24:580:25:03

# Ja, mein Berta does everything in waltz time! #

0:25:030:25:08

You know it's very disturbing

0:25:090:25:11

when you are loving a girl

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who does everything to the rhythm of the waltz.

0:25:130:25:15

Eating, um-tom-tom, um-tom-tom.

0:25:150:25:18

Drinking, oom-pom-pom, oom-pom-pom.

0:25:180:25:20

Talking even!

0:25:200:25:21

RYTHMICALLY: Guten Morgen, how are you? I am fine.

0:25:210:25:24

Thank you. It's a nice day today.

0:25:240:25:26

Jawohl.

0:25:260:25:28

And some activities become virtually impossible.

0:25:280:25:31

LAUGHTER

0:25:310:25:33

# Ja, mein Bertha does everything in waltz time! #

0:25:330:25:40

Jawohl.

0:25:400:25:43

APPLAUSE

0:25:430:25:44

In Spain, each senorita's flashing eye was turned my way when I

0:25:460:25:51

sang them strange flamenco songs in accents wild and gay.

0:25:510:25:56

FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYS

0:25:560:25:59

HE MUTTERS

0:25:590:26:01

TRUMPET FLOURISH

0:26:010:26:04

# La la la la. #

0:26:040:26:06

WITH SPANISH ACCENT: Good evening.

0:26:110:26:13

I would like to singing for you,

0:26:130:26:17

very good flamenco song that I sing to this girl in Spain.

0:26:170:26:21

I tell her my name is Juan.

0:26:210:26:23

She not impressed,

0:26:230:26:25

she say, "When you've seen Juan you have seen 'em all!"

0:26:250:26:27

LAUGHTER

0:26:270:26:29

Very beautiful flamenco, it's called the Cantar de Abuelo.

0:26:330:26:37

The Song of the Grandfather.

0:26:370:26:39

But a very old man.

0:26:390:26:41

Sometime this is also called Retribution.

0:26:410:26:44

Because it's swift and terrible.

0:26:440:26:45

It's a very beautiful song.

0:26:450:26:47

The Cantar de Abuelo. Senor, hai hai.

0:26:470:26:49

VIOLIN INTRO

0:26:490:26:52

HE MIMICS FLAMENCO SINGING

0:26:530:26:58

Ole!

0:27:060:27:08

HE GROWLS AND MUTTERS

0:27:120:27:14

LAUGHTER

0:27:140:27:16

MUTTERING

0:27:160:27:18

INDISTINCT MUTTERING

0:27:180:27:19

And stay there!

0:27:220:27:23

# Mi cantar

0:27:250:27:28

# A-a-a-a-a-a

0:27:280:27:32

# A-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa

0:27:320:27:40

# Ahhhhhhh

0:27:420:27:44

# De mi abuelo! #

0:27:440:27:49

Ole!

0:27:490:27:51

SPANISH MUSIC PLAYS

0:27:510:27:54

HE SINGS A COUPLE OF NOTES

0:27:540:27:56

# My old grandfather had a beard

0:28:010:28:05

# The longest in the world

0:28:050:28:08

# It grew right down below his knees

0:28:080:28:11

# It was long and grey and curled

0:28:110:28:14

# One day we shaved the beard right off

0:28:140:28:18

# And saw a sight bizarre

0:28:180:28:21

# For when the beard had disappeared

0:28:210:28:25

# We found it was grandma!

0:28:250:28:27

# Ole! #

0:28:270:28:30

MUSICAL FLOURISH

0:28:300:28:33

CHEERING

0:28:390:28:42

From Spain, velocitous,

0:28:510:28:54

virtuosity invincible in ambidextrous

0:28:540:28:59

circumrotatory projectiles

0:28:590:29:03

interjectural trajectory.

0:29:030:29:07

AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

0:29:070:29:08

Hand, foot and mouth.

0:29:080:29:11

LAUGHTER

0:29:110:29:12

Juggling!

0:29:120:29:14

Ladies and gentlemen,

0:29:140:29:17

Valente-Valente!

0:29:170:29:19

LIVELY MUSICAL INTRO

0:29:190:29:23

APPLAUSE

0:30:320:30:34

APPLAUSE

0:31:140:31:16

MUSIC STOPS APPLAUSE

0:31:390:31:42

DRUM SOLO

0:31:480:31:51

APPLAUSE

0:32:100:32:12

DRUM SOLO CONTINUES

0:32:180:32:20

ORCHSTRAL FLOURISH

0:32:230:32:26

APPLAUSE

0:32:260:32:27

You like it?

0:32:310:32:33

-Hm...

-No?

0:32:330:32:34

SHE LAUGHS

0:32:340:32:35

Let's see...something special.

0:32:350:32:37

DRUMBEAT MATCHES BOUNCE OF BALL

0:32:410:32:43

What are you doing?! Oh!

0:32:430:32:46

HE WHISTLES

0:32:460:32:47

Oh!

0:32:470:32:50

RAPID DRUM BEATS

0:32:500:32:53

APPLAUSE

0:32:560:33:00

-Thank you.

-Yoo-hoo!

-Hello, you. Ready?

0:33:070:33:10

What's that? Funny.

0:33:110:33:14

DRUM BEATS MATCH BALL

0:33:160:33:19

CHEERING

0:33:400:33:42

DRUMMING

0:33:500:33:55

ORCHESTRA PLAYS JAUNTY TUNE

0:34:260:34:29

AUDIENCE: OH!

0:34:380:34:40

AUDIENCE: Oooooh!

0:34:460:34:47

AUDIENCE GASPS

0:34:590:35:01

Now that's what I call real spit and polish.

0:35:370:35:39

LAUGHTER

0:35:390:35:41

Illimitably lugubrious lucubrations

0:35:410:35:46

illumine the immeasurably melancholic meanderings

0:35:460:35:51

of none other than the one and only

0:35:510:35:55

Mr Les Dawson!

0:35:550:35:57

APPLAUSE

0:35:570:35:59

BAND PLAYS

0:35:590:36:02

BAND STOPS ABRUPTLY

0:36:140:36:16

LAUGHTER

0:36:160:36:17

Thank you for your applause. You have impeccable taste.

0:36:190:36:23

However the warmth of your welcome has plunged me

0:36:230:36:25

into a somewhat retrospective mood.

0:36:250:36:28

May I have a little sombre music, please?

0:36:280:36:30

VIOLIN PLAYS

0:36:300:36:32

What a wonderful violinist. He can play till the cows come home.

0:36:350:36:39

And it sounds as though they've arrived.

0:36:390:36:42

Some years ago, ladies and gentlemen,

0:36:420:36:44

I went through a traumatic period in my life.

0:36:440:36:46

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw...

0:36:460:36:49

I teetered on the very abyss

0:36:490:36:51

of total despair.

0:36:510:36:53

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw...

0:36:530:36:55

Dame Fortune had deserted me.

0:36:550:36:57

I was so unlucky, I bought some bananas once

0:36:570:37:00

and when I peeled them they were empty.

0:37:000:37:02

LAUGHTER

0:37:020:37:03

LAUGHTER

0:37:050:37:06

I remember once I backed a horse in the Grand National

0:37:130:37:15

and it fell in the paddock.

0:37:150:37:17

And then the wife, she'd had enough. She...

0:37:190:37:22

she ran off with the fella next door and I did miss him.

0:37:220:37:26

LAUGHTER

0:37:300:37:31

I became a coward. I fled the concrete carnival we call city...

0:37:350:37:39

and I sought sanctuary in the country.

0:37:390:37:42

I remember that I wandered through a valley of timeless serenity,

0:37:420:37:46

heather-clad hills and wind-rippled meadows

0:37:460:37:49

stretched in languor towards a forest of stately elms...

0:37:490:37:52

..wherein whose beckoning greenery...

0:37:530:37:55

feathered choruses trilled on high

0:37:550:37:58

in a cacophony of praise to the ultimate architect.

0:37:580:38:01

Darting minnows in a chuckling brook

0:38:030:38:06

escorted me to an old Tudor cottage

0:38:060:38:08

that knelt by the side of a spilling orchard.

0:38:080:38:12

The cottage had a garden of wondrous beauty to behold -

0:38:120:38:15

strutting tulips and wild violets,

0:38:150:38:18

highly scented honeysuckle and trailing jasmine

0:38:180:38:21

that jostled in a confused riot of colour

0:38:210:38:24

towards an herbaceous border...

0:38:240:38:26

..where I spied an elderly lady in a faded velvet dress...

0:38:300:38:33

a faded velvet dress, who stooped,

0:38:330:38:35

tending to a rain-bruised marigold.

0:38:350:38:37

I doffed my cap in the manner born

0:38:390:38:41

and said, "Madam, what is the secret of your wonderful garden?"

0:38:410:38:46

She looked at me with a face that was the colour of the autumn sky

0:38:460:38:50

and said very simply,

0:38:500:38:51

"Horse muck."

0:38:510:38:53

LAUGHTER

0:38:530:38:54

Of course, things have improved since then.

0:39:060:39:08

In fact, my home life is now marvellous.

0:39:080:39:11

This morning, in fact, the wife gave me breakfast in bed.

0:39:110:39:14

It slid off the plate when she threw it.

0:39:140:39:17

I didn't mind. I found there was something strangely erotic about

0:39:180:39:21

a grilled kipper on quilt.

0:39:210:39:23

I know why she was annoyed.

0:39:250:39:26

I'd spilled hot cocoa down the front of her nightdress.

0:39:260:39:29

Serves me right for wearing it.

0:39:290:39:30

She was crouched in the doorway,

0:39:360:39:38

bristling like a frustrated warthog.

0:39:380:39:40

She had a towel round her head and she had a mud pack on her face.

0:39:420:39:44

She looked like a bilious Gunga Din.

0:39:440:39:47

I don't know why she bothers because if beauty's skin deep,

0:39:490:39:51

the wife's going through life inside out.

0:39:510:39:53

She undressed the other night without drawing the bedroom curtains

0:40:000:40:03

and a Peeping Tom across the road gave himself up.

0:40:030:40:06

Time and time again,

0:40:090:40:11

I've asked myself, "Why did I marry the Gorgon?"

0:40:110:40:14

I'd no need to, you know. I could have let her father shoot me.

0:40:160:40:20

And to think that once there was a great romance in my life.

0:40:200:40:24

PIANO PLAYS: Romeo & Juliet Overture by Tchaikovsky

0:40:240:40:27

Her name was Agatha Boulderbottom.

0:40:300:40:32

She had two sisters but they died of embarrassment.

0:40:340:40:36

I met her on a funfair in the tunnel of love.

0:40:380:40:40

She was digging it.

0:40:400:40:41

To me, she was the very embodiment

0:40:440:40:46

of everything I'd ever sought in womanhood.

0:40:460:40:48

She had no figure, she was thin.

0:40:480:40:51

I don't know why she wore a brassiere.

0:40:510:40:52

I've seen bigger lumps in oatmeal.

0:40:520:40:54

I remember we went to a fancy dress ball.

0:41:040:41:06

She pulled her purple knickers over her head

0:41:060:41:08

and won first prize as a bruised damson.

0:41:080:41:10

But our...

0:41:150:41:18

our love was not meant to be.

0:41:180:41:20

I took her to a gay French restaurant.

0:41:210:41:23

A gay French restaurant in Huddersfield called the Chez By Gum.

0:41:250:41:28

The menu was all in French. I ordered...

0:41:310:41:33

HE SAYS FRENCH-SOUNDING WORDS

0:41:330:41:36

The waiter said, "You can't have that. It's the band."

0:41:360:41:39

So I had cod and chips.

0:41:420:41:43

Agatha didn't like fish. I said, "Well, you have a tongue salad."

0:41:450:41:49

She said, "I never eat anything from an animal's mouth."

0:41:490:41:52

So she had an egg.

0:41:520:41:53

LAUGHTER

0:42:060:42:07

With the light of the candle on the table between us,

0:42:090:42:11

I could tell she was visibly moved when I told her of my love.

0:42:110:42:16

I bent across the candle to kiss her lips.

0:42:160:42:18

She snatched her head away angrily and I fell on the candle.

0:42:180:42:23

It took the head waiter 15 minutes to get the wick from up my nose.

0:42:230:42:26

When I looked up with wax on my face,

0:42:300:42:33

she'd gone. I...

0:42:330:42:35

never saw her again but I heard that she became

0:42:350:42:37

a welder in a trifle factory.

0:42:370:42:39

Apparently while playing crib with the foreman, she overbalanced and

0:42:440:42:48

fell into a vat of lukewarm raspberry jelly.

0:42:480:42:50

I can only hope that somewhere,

0:42:510:42:53

Agatha is set for life.

0:42:530:42:55

And so to all young lovers everywhere...

0:42:580:43:00

seize the moment!

0:43:000:43:01

LAUGHTER

0:43:010:43:03

Seize the moment for your passion,

0:43:060:43:08

let nought destroy your pursuit.

0:43:080:43:11

And all I can say to you everywhere is...

0:43:110:43:13

..get stuck in! Ooh! Go on!

0:43:150:43:18

BAND PLAYS

0:43:180:43:19

APPLAUSE

0:43:280:43:29

George M Cohan's songs

0:43:360:43:40

contribute to our compendium of conviviality,

0:43:400:43:44

transatlantic patriotism

0:43:440:43:47

with the Players' Theatre plus Miss Lorna Luft.

0:43:470:43:51

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:43:510:43:53

BAND PLAYS MILITARY FANFARE

0:43:530:43:55

# Give my regards to Broadway

0:43:580:44:04

# Remember me to Herald Square

0:44:040:44:11

# Tell all the gang on 42nd Street

0:44:110:44:16

# That I will soon be there

0:44:160:44:21

# Whisper of how I'm yearning

0:44:210:44:25

# To mingle with the old time throng

0:44:250:44:29

# Give my regards to old Broadway

0:44:290:44:33

# And tell them I'll be there e'er long

0:44:330:44:36

# Over there, over there

0:44:360:44:40

# Send the word Send the word over there

0:44:400:44:44

# That the Yanks are coming

0:44:440:44:47

# The Yanks are coming

0:44:470:44:49

# They're hum-drum-drumming everywhere

0:44:490:44:52

# So prepare

0:44:520:44:54

# Say a prayer

0:44:540:44:56

# Send the word Send the word over there

0:44:560:45:00

# For we'll be over We're coming over

0:45:000:45:04

# And we won't come back till it's over, over there

0:45:040:45:11

# You're a grand old flag

0:45:110:45:18

# You're a high-flying flag

0:45:180:45:21

# And forever in peace may you wave

0:45:210:45:26

# You're the emblem of

0:45:260:45:28

# The land I love

0:45:280:45:30

# The home of the free and the brave

0:45:300:45:33

# Ev'ry heart beats true

0:45:330:45:36

# For the red, white and blue

0:45:360:45:37

# And there's never a boast or brag

0:45:370:45:41

# So should old acquaintance be forgot

0:45:410:45:45

# Keep your eye on that grand old...

0:45:450:45:51

SNARE PLAYS MILITARY BEAT

0:45:510:45:54

# I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy

0:46:060:46:10

# Yankee Doodle, do or die

0:46:100:46:13

# A real live nephew of my Uncle Sam

0:46:130:46:17

# Born on the Fourth of July

0:46:170:46:21

# I've got a Yankee Doodle sweetheart

0:46:210:46:25

# He's my Yankee Doodle joy

0:46:250:46:28

# Yankee Doodle went to London

0:46:280:46:31

# Just to ride the ponies

0:46:310:46:32

# I am that Yankee Doodle boy

0:46:320:46:36

# I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy

0:46:360:46:40

# Yankee Doodle, do or die

0:46:400:46:43

# We'll be over

0:46:430:46:45

# We're coming over

0:46:450:46:47

# And we won't come back till it's over, over there

0:46:470:46:51

# Yankee Doodle came to London

0:46:510:46:53

# Just to ride the ponies

0:46:530:46:55

# I am that Yankee Doodle boy

0:46:550:46:59

# But should old acquaintance be forgot

0:46:590:47:05

# Keep your eye on that grand old flag

0:47:050:47:13

# And give my regards to old Broadway

0:47:140:47:21

# I am that Yankee Doodle

0:47:220:47:26

# She is that Yankee Doodle

0:47:260:47:29

# I am that Yankee Doodle

0:47:290:47:35

# Boy! #

0:47:350:47:41

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:47:410:47:44

And now, ladies and gentlemen, there is just time to ask

0:48:030:48:06

Mr Les Dawson to lead the company and yourselves

0:48:060:48:08

in the last chorus for tonight, Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

0:48:080:48:11

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Les Dawson, the entire company,

0:48:110:48:15

Mr Bernard Herrmann, the entire and indefatigable orchestra...

0:48:150:48:19

CHEERING

0:48:190:48:21

..but this time, chiefly...

0:48:220:48:25

ALL: ..yourselves!

0:48:250:48:27

MUSIC: Down At The Old Bull And Bush by Florrie Forde

0:48:270:48:30

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

0:48:300:48:35

# Down at the old Bull and Bush La-la-la-la-la

0:48:350:48:38

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

0:48:380:48:42

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

0:48:420:48:43

# Hear the little German band La, la-la-la-la, la-la

0:48:450:48:49

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

0:48:490:48:53

# Come, come, come and have a drink or two

0:48:530:48:56

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

0:48:560:49:00

# Bush-Bush! #

0:49:000:49:02

APPLAUSE

0:49:020:49:03

Leonard Sachs chairs the old-time music hall programme, first broadcast on 31st January 1978. With Les Dawson, Lorna Luft, Stephanie Voss, Bryan Burdon, Bill Drysdale, Chrissie Cartwright, Valente-Valente and Peter Reeves.


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