Graham Norton's Good Guest Guide The Graham Norton Show

APPLAUSE

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

Hello. Now, I've been doing this talk show thing for quite a while -

nearly 20 years, at the last count.

Unbelievable!

I think it's high time I pay tribute to those wonderful people

without whom my show would not be possible - the guests.

I mean, who wants 45 minutes of just me talking?

Even I'd be bored by that.

Let's get some guests on, ladies and gentlemen!

I'm very grateful they find time in their busy schedules to join me,

and there's only one thing I ever ask of them - to be good.

And how do they do that?

Well, I've taken the liberty of putting together

my very own Good Guest Guide to make it all crystal clear.

It's a week late for the lucrative Christmas market, but never mind.

Some of my favourite guests have already taken note.

I talk dirty and I think that's why they ask me.

My remit when I come on the Graham Norton show?

Be entertaining, but then shut up when someone more important

and famous has to speak.

This starts filming about 7pm, which is great.

That's in my drinking zone, so it's lovely that it coincides

with work, fun and drinking.

I love Graham, and I love being on him.

LAUGHTER

Talk shows are not complicated.

Trust me, I'm an expert.

So, my guidebook is sized accordingly.

More of a guide-pamphlet, if you will.

Anyway, there are just a few rules to remember.

Get there on time, be famous, and tell a story. A really good story.

What is the story about you meeting an American man in Cambridge?

-When I was a student?

-Yes.

That was before I was a lesbian. I was just, erm...

LAUGHTER

I was sorting myself out.

People say that I have no filter.

Erm, I don't really know...

..quite what that means.

I know that I just say what comes into my head.

And sometimes it's very offensive,

and people are very shocked and disgusted.

And sometimes, when they tell me what I've said,

I'm shocked and disgusted, too.

I was on my bike...

..because we cycled.

Over the cobbles, I would imagine.

LAUGHTER

Dyke on a bike. And, erm...

-LAUGHTER

-I didn't want to say it.

And we stopped at the traffic lights.

And I turned... I looked to the left or the right, whatever it was,

and there was a car, an open car, with an American soldier inside,

and something crazy took hold of me then.

You know that feeling?

I've got it right now.

LAUGHTER

And I said, "Would you like to follow me to my college

"and I'll suck you off?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Dear Stanley, I think he was a bit shocked -

and, you know, Americans are a bit mealy-mouthed.

And I use that word...

..deliberately.

-Stanley, you knew you recognised her from somewhere.

-Exactly!

LAUGHTER

-Finish that story.

-Well...

-We can't get any better.

-I think we know what happens next.

The really interesting thing was...

LAUGHTER

He, afterwards... and I should explain,

I thought I was being a good girl,

because a bad girl would have had intercourse.

With a random stranger from the street.

For sure, for sure.

I still think it was the right thing to do.

I'm sure he felt the same way!

Anyway, after it was all over, he said,

"Could I come back next week? Because I've got some friends here."

LAUGHTER

I'd like to be on one of your shows that will actually air.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I love anecdotes. Not just telling them, but hearing them.

I think things that have really happened in someone's life

is always fascinating, because not only is it funny, hopefully,

but there's an insight there.

I think if you can bring that to the table and reduce it to a...

you know, a story, I think that is better than jokes, in a way.

I do tell stories, but I don't like being...

I like to tell them spontaneously, I suppose.

-Julie Walters.

-What?!

-Did you meet your...?

For god's sake!

Leave me alone!

LAUGHTER

-What do you want to know?

-You met your husband in a club, didn't you?

Mind your own business!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

The whole concept of a chat show falling apart.

"Why are you asking me all these questions?!"

'I think it's nice that people are given a drink.'

I think it helps give a party atmosphere.

Of course I'm always holding the glass when he comes to ask me.

Other people are really clever, the glass is on the table,

they wait until the camera's off and then they glug down.

They don't look like they're touching it at all.

Stupid old me, sitting there, right in front of everybody.

I must look like an alcoholic on the show.

But that does make it jolly.

-Did you go clubbing a lot?

-Clubbing?!

Yes, I did in Birmingham.

-Yes.

-Yeah. What's that got to do with anything now?

-Isn't that where you met your husband?

-No, I met him in a bar.

-Oh, a bar.

-In, Fulham, yes.

-In Fulham?

-It was full of frightfully posh people.

What we used to call Hooray Henrys. Everybody was frightfully posh.

I remember saying, I was a bit drunk...

"I bet nobody here is a member of the Labour Party,"

and he said, "I am, actually," and that was it.

We met, then he came home and never moved out.

-LAUGHTER

-He mended my washing machine.

Told me I needed a pump. I misunderstood him.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm happy to give you all of this advice,

but maybe we should hear from the most experienced

Graham Norton Show guest expert.

That will be the man who has the record number of appearances

on this show, Mr Ricky "Ten Times" Gervais.

You know, I think I get invited back because I like to interact.

Chat show hosts like comedians on, because they can relax a little bit.

CHEERING

They know that a comedian is going to show off.

I remember something you said once when we were promoting this film,

"We decided not to dick about

"so people took us serious as directors."

LAUGHTER

So I've been on ten times, so I've probably spoken for about two hours,

and he got paid for that two hours where I was talking.

I'm doing all the work and he's getting paid.

He's having a laugh.

We should split this.

This should be Ricky & Graham.

Inside, he's like me.

He's a comedian who wants to sit at home in his pants, drinking...

..and he does, every other night of the week.

I was doing all the work with Tinie Tempah.

Graham goes into his own world, thinking about his next drink.

Tinie Tempah goes off about...

..having stuffed animals in his house.

Graham just sits back.

And I have a giraffe, as well.

But not, like, a real one.

-It was real before.

-Yeah.

A dead one.

-One... Yeah.

-A dead one.

-Yeah, that died of like...

..natural...like, the flu and stuff.

LAUGHTER

-A sore throat.

-A sore throat with a giraffe is serious.

-Yeah.

-It could be fatal.

-It's really bad.

-You've got high ceilings, then, in your house.

-Very.

Or he's always drinking.

I need one that died drinking.

I'm in a council house. I need one...

Have you got a giraffe that died in its sleep?

They never do that with animals, do they?

They never have taxidermy with animals like that.

They always have a bear like that...

It doesn't...

That's what they will do with me. I want a taxidermy...

You can have me.

It's just me like that.

LAUGHTER

On your sofa.

I think all those reasons are maybe why, erm...

..they've invited me back so many times.

That, and because I live locally and I'm punctual. I'm always early.

They can't believe it if you turn up.

They send my car three hours early because they assume celebrities

are always drunk in a ditch.

Whereas I get there early. You know what I mean?

So, I think...

The most boring advice ever.

To be on time!

How do you be an international comedian?

"Well, get lots of sleep."

"Be punctual."

Fucking hell.

Growing up in my family, everyone was winding everyone up.

I was the youngest of four, and I remember once...

..when my sister, she must have been about...

..I don't know, 25 or something, I was, like, eight,

and they used to take me out into the woods and I would be foraging.

I used to love insects, I knew about space and everything,

and I found a perfect little discarded, erm, snakeskin.

I picked it up and my sister was scared of it.

I suddenly thought, I've got her.

I was teasing her. She was going, "Put it down, it's got germs."

I was running round chasing her.

And she went, "You're not coming in the car with that."

And then when I was about 15, I was at home with a few of my mates,

I decided to wind her up.

I started teasing her about how she was scared of snakes,

I chased her with a snakeskin. And she chose that time to tell me

that I'd actually been running round with a used condom.

LAUGHTER

On the show, we like to welcome all the guests on to the sofa

at the same time, so we need to make sure everyone will get along

with all their sofa mates.

This is my next Good Guest Guide rule. Be a good neighbour.

I am on the same sofa as Michael Buble.

This...!

Michael, he's not making this up.

I am so excited to be here with you this evening.

I maybe went in a little hard when I was on with Buble.

I could have been slightly cooler.

I'm at the stage in my life, all my friends,

they're going out and having all-night raves and partying

and getting drunk. I am so over that.

My ideal night these days, go home, run a bath, light some candles,

open a bottle of Shiraz,

put on a little bit of this gentleman's music here

and have what I like to refer to as a Buble bath.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's the dream.

It was a wonderful moment

and it was one that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

We also swapped numbers and he has never called me.

-Is it Graham?

-That'll do.

-Greg.

-Greg! I'm so sorry.

-Graham's fine.

-Greg, could you just stand up a minute, would you mind?

And can I stand next to you?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We were all standing in order of height backstage -

you should have a look at this. If Will comes and stands here.

I think this is a great visual.

LAUGHTER

Perfectly put together, this couch.

-Oh! AUDIENCE:

-Ooooh!

-David Beckham...

-You've gone off.

-..you have met your match!

I just wanted to meet you, mate.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I was in between Michael Fassbender and 50 Pence.

It was fabulous.

-Where were you shot? Where?

-In front of my grandmother's house.

-Where on your body?

-LAUGHTER

Gorgeous, gorgeous, both of them, actually.

-Is it still in your tongue?

-Yeah. It's great for oral sex.

-Is it?

LAUGHTER

Good to know.

Yes, went into his mouth, do you remember?

Only happens on this programme, honestly.

Yeah, I can feel it.

LAUGHTER

Another rule to remember if you want to be a top guest,

always make a good impression.

Actually, even better than that, always do a good impression.

-MIMICS GRAHAM:

-I'm enjoying this. Introduce Bonnie Tyler.

-Right, it's time for music now.

-CHUCKLES

APPLAUSE

-MIMICS GRAHAM:

-So, welcome back, welcome back.

So, you... So, you, you've never been on the show.

Is it in episode one you talk about Mick Jagger?

This is about a Christmas and a bit ago,

I was at a party in a house and he was there.

I heard...

-MIMICS MICK JAGGER:

-"Rob! Rob!"

And I looked around, "What? What?" and he was on the landing,

and he went, "Don't throw those bloody spears at me."

And I... I looked up, "What?"

-"What?

-AS MICK:

-"Don't throw those bloody spears at me, aaah!"

I had no idea.

I was thinking, what is going on?

Is he having a stroke?

He's in the age range, you know.

And then I realised, he's doing Michael Caine in Zulu.

He's doing me from The Trip doing...

So I went...

-MIMICS MICHAEL CAINE:

-"I've told you before, if you're not going to sing,

"I don't want to bloody know. Now get back in the other room."

-AS MICK:

-"Aaah!"

APPLAUSE

You have now learned how to do the voices from TOWIE?

Yeah. Sort of, yeah. Well, I...

-How is that possible?

-We love that garbage TV back in...

..in the States.

So, it's like...

-ESSEX ACCENT:

-"So, honestly, I saw this guy..."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Honestly, did, like, Michael cheat on me when he was in Ibiza?

"Because he was telling me, like, you know,

"like, I miss you, or whatever,

"and I'm like, miss me? What am I, your mother?"

That's so good!

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

-MIMICS ROBERT DE NIRO:

-What if you do got me boxed in...

..and I got to put you down?

We've been face-to-face.

Yeah.

But I will not hesitate.

Not for a second.

That's my...

APPLAUSE

When we're on the red carpet, going into the ceremony,

-I met Maggie Smith.

-MIMICS MAGGIE:

-"Hello, what are you here for?"

I said, "Well, Lord of the Rings."

She said, "What's that around your neck?"

I said, "It's my pounamu, Maggie."

"Oh, your pounamu. What's that for?"

I said, "Well, if I wear it, it'll bring me luck.

"Oh, very nice."

And at the end, of course, everyone else wins the Oscar apart from you.

A bit dejected, you're coming out looking forward to a drink

and you bump into Maggie Smith.

She points at you and says, "Didn't work, did it?"

LAUGHTER

We're on the Graham Norton show and I have some friends here.

Oh, no.

I'll be back.

Hasta la vista, baby.

There is no bathroom!

Who's your daddy now and what does he do?

I'm old, not obsolete.

Hasta la vista, baby.

I'll be back!

Very good. Thank you very much.

You did the voice-overs for some of the trailers.

-Yeah, I did.

-The voice-over guy.

-Yeah, exactly. I love that stuff.

I do it at home all the time, drives my wife nuts.

It's that voice...

"In a world, divided by fear,

"one man must stand alone."

"Will Smith, Ryan Reynolds, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Toby Jones,

"in...

"Graham Norton's Pants, rated R."

APPLAUSE

That's my ring tone.

When Benedict became famous,

one of the first things that happened was, this is so random,

that his fans decided that he looked very like an otter.

Are you aware of this?

-I'm sorry?

-LAUGHTER

-Just matching pictures of otters.

-Yeah. Return the favour, yes.

And then it'll go really viral and it'll be great.

This first one, I'm afraid, it's the dark side of the otter kingdom.

It's a bit fisty. It's like, "Why I ought to!"

Other way.

APPLAUSE

These are good.

Now, they start to get more challenging.

They start to get more challenging.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

-If you lean in, I'll lean in.

-Yeah, exactly.

-OK, I'll lean in.

-Oh, it's me?

-You're in the middle.

It's the face on the otter.

APPLAUSE

Adorable!

Now...

So, we thought...that's right, but then...then...

..we found this picture, we found this picture of an otter.

Look at this. Look at this.

Let's look closer at the face...

You've never seen a happier creature on planet Earth.

Look how happy this otter is with his new teddy bear.

The teddy bear doesn't look very happy.

The teddy bear looks depressed.

"I've been given to a mammal?!"

I sent out the command, I picked up my phone and went,

"We'll need a big teddy bear."

-Now, however, the word "big" is quite relative.

-Yeah.

-They've gone with a really enormous teddy bear.

-Really?

It's just over there.

LAUGHTER

Wow.

LAUGHTER

Wow. This is... This is...

This is just... Don't be frightened. It's all right.

-Ready?

-Isn't that amazing?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That is genius.

One of the many advantages stars have over the rest of us

is that they know lots of other stars

and that helps them with my next helpful hint

for a dazzling talk show appearance.

Always follow this rule, there is no name too big,

too awkward or too heavy to drop on a show.

I had stationery made up with his name,

and then I would send letters to other actors from Brad Pitt.

That is so good.

I sent Meryl Streep a letter from Brad

where I got a big thing of CDs that had...

It was a dialect coach,

and...and he had every dialect.

Gaelic, Yiddish... every dialect in this huge thing -

and I sent it to her with a note from Brad that said,

"I hear you're going to be doing The Iron Lady soon.

"This guy helped me with my dialect in Troy", or something.

You know, "I thought maybe this would help."

I sent it to Meryl - and, you know, she's very confused by it.

LAUGHTER

I've sent letters to lots and lots of people from Brad.

LAUGHTER

Jack and I met on a magical night out

when I humiliated myself more than I ever had before.

It was probably the best moment of my life.

LAUGHTER

Clearly the worst of Jen's.

For the first time ever in my career,

I never assume anyone knows who I am.

And I saw Harrison Ford and, like, JJ Abrams

and I was, like, yeah, this is fun!

We're all co-workers, like, I can just go, so...

I was, like, "Be right back, guys,

"I'm going to go say hi to the Star Wars dudes,"

and I approached their table and was, like...

..and they all, the whole table was just, like...

..and so, I realised while I was dancing, they have no idea who I am.

They've no idea who I am.

So I just turned around and walked back.

And Jack...Jack was dying.

I'd done this show with Harrison Ford,

so he's, like, the only A-list Hollywood star that I know.

He's the only one that I have.

So she'd just been blanked and I was, like, "Hey, it's all right,

"I'll go and say hi to Harrison."

And everyone in the group was, like, "Jack, don't do this.

"You'll be humiliated." I was, like, "Me and Harrison are tight."

They genuinely had no idea.

So I get up, I walk over,

and at this point, I'm like, "Maybe he won't remember me,

"and I'll be humiliated as well."

I walked over and literally as I walked over,

he was, like, "Hey, Jack!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I was so excited.

I throw all these parties at my crib.

I'm throwing a party for Puff, Jay-Z is there, and Pharrell.

It's a big party.

And this kid walks in with a backpack on and his jaw is busted.

And I said, "Who's that?" And they said, "That's Kanye West."

I say, "What does he do?" They say, "He raps and produces for Jay-Z."

And then he said... He said...

"I have...a song that...

"that I think that you will be great on...

"if we could go, erm, to the studio and do, erm, this song."

I said, "I'm trying to get in the music business. Let's go."

I wasn't in the music business.

I happened to have a studio at my crib. So we go in the back...

LAUGHTER

We've heard that, yeah.

But I did that because I would throw parties for musical people

so I could try to get on a record.

LAUGHTER

That's why Puff and Jay-Z and all of them were there. They didn't know.

But we go in the studio and he says,

"The song goes...

"She say she wants some Marvin Gaye, some Luther Vandross..."

I said, "I got it, I got it."

-R&B STYLE:

-"She say she wants some Marvin Gaye and some..."

He said, "Yo, what are you doing?"

I said, "Well, you don't know R&B.

"You see, I'm an R&B singer, so I've got to put the R&B thing on it.

"I've got do that." He says, "Erm, don't do that."

He said, "Just sing it simple, because it's...

"you know, it's hip-hop." I was, like, "All right."

So I sung it begrudgingly, thinking, "This song is whack,

"he's not going to make it, it's not going to work," right?

So I left and I went and did a bad movie and I came back...

LAUGHTER

Come back and I'm in Miami and my boy was like,

"Yo, remember that song you said was whack?

"It's number one in the country."

APPLAUSE Well done to you.

Frank? Yes.

-Oh, Frank.

-I love that people can say Frank!

Well, I certainly had plenty of names to name-drop,

having gone to Hollywood when I was 20

and met every star from Lana Turner to Gene Kelly to Elizabeth Taylor.

Mummy comes in and she says, "It's Frank Sinatra on the phone for you."

"Oh, erm, hi."

And he said, "Hi. It's Frank.

He said, "How would you like to have dinner with me?"

And I said, "Oh, well, that would be very nice, yes."

He said, "Tomorrow?"

I said, "Yeah." "I'll send my plane for you."

I said, "Your plane? Where are you?" He said, "Hamburg."

I said "Hamburg? I can't possibly go to Hamburg.

"I mean, I've got an early call tomorrow."

-He said, "I'll change your call, honey."

-Wow.

I said, "Well, you can't do that.

"I mean, I'm a serious actress.

"You can't change my call just because you want to have..."

And he hung up. And that was it.

He never asked me again -

but I hear he asked Linda Evans and she went.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Of course, courage is an important factor in any talk show sofa.

Out there, you have to be ready to face anything.

After all, the show must go on.

Oh, my God, that's the biggest fly I've ever seen.

LAUGHTER

-Got it.

-That is an enormous fly.

-That was like a bird!

You know how you kill a fly? I know...

If it landed here, what you'd do is you go...

Get it over here.

You put it there and you go...

..because the fly feels the pressure

of the air coming either side,

so you trick it!

-So you go up and you get it every time.

-Clever murderer.

-Yeah.

-That's the best.

APPLAUSE

So in character!

Sorry.

That fly has no idea the danger it's in right now.

Oh, I so hope he comes back.

LAUGHTER

-Now, listen...

-Ooh!

Oh...

Oh, my God!

Did you just drink the fly?

LAUGHTER

-Do you have it?

-Is it alive in your mouth?

He put it in his mouth!

Oh, my sweet God.

LAUGHTER

Is it alive in your hand?

-It's all wet.

-Put it there!

LAUGHTER

Here we go!

I'm taking this thing down!

-I've got to tell you...

-It's drunk now. It's drunk.

I've chewed it.

I took a drink...

and I was, like, I didn't realise I had any ice in there.

LAUGHTER

Oh, let's see, let's see. Are you ready, Steve? Ready?

Oh, no!

LAUGHTER

Ah, it's like...

It's like CSI Fly!

We'll just draw a little chalk outline around it.

You didn't swallow any of it? It's all still there?

That's right. I'm a good girl.

No!

Oh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'd like to think my guests are so famous they need no introduction -

but my next suggestion for top talk show business

contradicts that idea a little.

When an actor is very well-known for a particular character

or even speech, then there's no harm at all in reminding us all

about that special moment.

My advice is, don't be afraid to put the show on right here.

I must admit I didn't think much of Graham Norton

first time I laid eyes on him.

LAUGHTER

Looked like a stiff breeze could blow him over.

That was my first impression of the man.

I could see why some people took him for annoying.

He had a walk and a talk that just wasn't normal around here...

..and, boy, did he drink.

LAUGHTER

He drank like a man without a care or worry in the world.

I hope to finish this talk show one day.

I hope Michael stops talking for just one second.

LAUGHTER

I hope people stop asking me to do stupid voice-overs like this.

I hope.

Oh, very good!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Could you do the line from Forrest Gump

where he suddenly discovers how much he likes running?

I'd be happy to do it, but you must show the lady with the cue card,

because otherwise people will think that I've actually memorised this.

Show the lady with the cue card. Cut over to her.

-See?

-There she is. She's there.

Now I will, in fact, do it.

-OK, so...

-This is for you, Mo.

-This is for you, Mo.

"Now, you wouldn't believe it even if I told you

"but I could run like the wind blows.

"From that day on, if I was going somewhere...

"I was running."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Press that one.

-PHONE:

-'Please record your personal greeting.'

-BEEP

-Start?

-Yeah.

"I don't know who you are

"but if you don't let my daughter go now

"I will find you, I will kill you."

Please leave a message.

LAUGHTER

So there I was, standing there in the church, and...

..for the first time in my life I realised I totally and utterly...

loved one person.

And it wasn't...

LAUGHTER

And it wasn't the...

LAUGHTER

And it wasn't the person standing next to me in the veil.

LAUGHTER

It was the person standing opposite to me in the rain.

Is it still raining?

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

I hadn't noticed.

MIMICS PETER FROM FAMILY GUY

# You with the sad eyes

# Don't be discouraged

# Oh, I realise

# It's hard to take courage

# In a world full of people

# You can lose sight of it all

# The darkness inside you

# Can make you feel so small

# But I see your true colours

# Shining through

# I see your true colours

# Buddy, that's why I love you

# So don't be a dick

# Let them show

# Your true colours

# Your true colours

# Are beautiful

# Like a rainbow. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Here comes the next section of good guest strategy.

One word - humility.

You may be super famous, but you must never forget the people

who put you where you are now - the audience.

Engage with them - at a distance, preferably -

and, in an ever more stunning display

of being just like the rest of us,

why not show that you are actually a fan, too?

Now, Emilia Clarke, did you get to chat with everyone backstage?

-Yeah, kind of.

-Did you get to talk to him?

-Yeah, kind of... maybe...

Emilia Clarke loves Matt LeBlanc.

Hi.

I'm actually blushing.

Erm, yeah. I just think you're wicked.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww.

-Now, June Brown...

-I'm exhausted already.

Now, here's the thing.

Are you familiar, Lady Gaga, with EastEnders?

No, don't say yes, darling.

If you're not, you're not, and I don't blame you. It's all right.

LAUGHTER

I am. And I actually am a very big fan of yours.

I just don't watch a lot of television.

I don't watch any.

No, no.

Has it undone?

No, I'm just tailoring it for you. I have a safety pin.

What are you trying to do behind there?

-She's making it form-fitting.

-Watch your hat, for god's sake.

LAUGHTER

No, no, get a bit further over, dear, it looks rather good.

LAUGHTER

No, you moved! You moved! Wrong way.

Sorry, Graham, is this happening, or have I been taking drugs?

No, we have.

-I do have one slight request from you, though.

-What's that?

So, would you be able to ask me how I'm doing?

Oh, yes, do that.

CHEERING

You can say no. Everyone will hate you, but you can say no.

No... Yes.

Well, since I haven't been up to speed on the show, I will.

Thank you.

How you doin'?

-I caught that from back here.

-It works!

What was really embarrassing is when Matt walked out,

I went, how you doing?

And I was, like, shut up! What are you doing?

-Chris, your fans have a name. They're called?

-The Pine Nuts, yes.

CHEERING

And, Benedict, what are your fans called?

LAUGHTER

The Cumberbitches.

Quite a few fans in tonight, I know.

And some of them seriously have travelled from afar,

so let's see who is the most devoted fan, who's travelled the furthest.

So, if you've travelled to see the guys tonight, put your hands up.

Quite a few, quite a few.

Look, a lady with two hands up there.

-Where are you from?

-Nebraska.

-Nebraska. Oh, you dropped something.

You've got a little thing there.

-So... Now, do you live here?

-No.

-You flew in especially from Nebraska?

-Yes.

-No, you didn't.

-I did.

-Did you really? All the way from Nebraska?

-Yes.

-For this?

-Yes.

-God!

And who are...

Now...

-AUDIENCE:

-Pine Nut!

What do you think, Pine Nut? CHEERING

Cumberbitch.

-Oh, my God.

-Thank you.

OK, OK. Stand up, you.

-Hello. What's your name?

-Yasuko Kirohata.

-Sorry?

-Yasuko Kirohata.

-Hello. Hi.

-And where are you from?

-Japan.

-And did you fly in from Japan?

-Fly in.

-Especially?

-Especially.

Yes.

OK. Are you here for Cumberbitch or Pine Nut?

-Pine.

-It's a Pine Nut!

We have a Pine Nut! You have to now. You have to.

Yeah.

Oh... Oh, my actual God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Wow. Thank you!

Let's hear again from my show guest-pert Ricky Gervais.

Here he is!

I think I'm the only one that comes on

looking like I've just come from a building site.

I'm so worried that I'm the only one that's made an effort.

The blokes usually put on suits, and I come on and I go, "Hey, Graham.

"Pour me another one, will you, mate?

"All right. What film have you got out?"

I had to apologise once because I had mud on my trainers.

I just realised that I might put mud on you...

Luckily, I can play the drunken slob loser really well.

This is... This is embarrassing.

-Yes, I didn't notice those. That is piss poor.

-I'm really sorry!

It's great that all the guests are together.

Johnny, everyone thinks he's shy, OK?

If people knew what he was really like, his career would be over.

When I told a story about - we were on the set of Life's Too Short

and I was stuffing Warwick Davis down a toilet...

..and I'm sort of bending his legs in.

I'm going, "It's all right. If it breaks, we'll get another one in.

I'm pushing him down the toilet and I'm laughing and Warwick's laughing,

and at one point Warwick goes, "Look at Johnny."

I turned around and Johnny Depp is going,

"You don't mind if I masturbate while you're doing that?"

LAUGHTER

'I mean, and people... You know, this...'

They're...a huge icon,

and talking about masturbating to a dwarf stuck in a toilet.

You don't get that on This Morning.

'It is fun, and so it looks like fun,

'and I think the audience relate to that.

'It's not just, tell us that anecdote, great.'

Show the clip, great. When's that out? Friday? Cheers.

You, what have you got to sell? OK, go and buy that.

You know, it's not like that.

Kevin Costner was on and he said to me he was very nervous

and he came out and he was very nervous to be there -

and then he started telling stories, and I just didn't want it to end.

I remember one of my friends was a writer,

and, of course, I sent him on a lot of, you know, jobs

and every report that came back was he just pissed everybody off

and he came over and goes, "I hate Hollywood, I hate all you people,"

and he went down to Arizona and he was working in a Chinese restaurant.

If you've ever worked in a Chinese restaurant, washing dishes,

there's a lot of them.

He said, "Have you read what I wrote?"

I said, "No, I don't really like you any more,"

and he goes, "Well, I'm cold and working at this place

"and I'm having to kill raccoons and work at this Chinese restaurant,"

and I said...

So, I sent him a sleeping bag, I sent him stuff,

and he said, "Did you read what I...?"

and finally I read it, and it was Dances With Wolves.

Wow.

I mean, I could have just sat there and just listened to him talk

just honestly and truthfully and about his great life.

That is amazing, going from killing raccoons

and washing dishes to winning an Oscar.

-It was amazing before the punch line that he wrote...

-Absolutely.

I never help people.

No point. No point.

Cut them off.

Another simple rule to follow

is designed to turn a mere guest appearance

into a total guest experience.

You have your stories, but you also have your talent.

You have so much more to give.

Why don't you bring out your party trick?

Oh!

Hey! Whoa!

That is amazing!

Hey!

DANCE MUSIC

CHEERING

Whoa!

He's going to do it, he's going to do it.

CHEERING

That is... that's better than in the photo shoot.

Zac Efron, everybody! Well done!

-Here we go. Music.

-Oh, no.

Very good! Excellent work.

Oh, my nose goes at the same time.

You don't know who it's going to next.

Oh, it's you... oh, oh!

Oh!

Oh, my God. Take that, Cara Delevingne.

LAUGHTER

HIP-HOP MUSIC

A little less.

We're done.

Very good! Well done.

-Towel, towel, towel.

-Perfect.

It's around the lips that you have to be really careful.

It's a balloon.

LAUGHTER

It's 594...

I slipped.

I slipped.

594 to beat, 594 to beat.

Here we go, here we go, here we go.

Oh!

Oh!

Wow!

OK.

-Anthony Joshua...

-Are you on? Are you on?

No, I'm so not. CHEERING

OK.

Go, go, go. Oh, no, I've got to do this.

Here we go... Oh, look, I'm still going!

OK, there you go. What was your...?

Eight...

I think it was 3,000?

No, 672, was it?

-672.

-632.

So, if you don't beat that, you've lost the title.

If you don't beat me... I mean, look at this.

LAUGHTER

OK, OK, here we go, here we go.

-Same technique as you.

-The world champion.

Oh!

APPLAUSE

There's antimony, arsenic, aluminium, selenium, and hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium,

and nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium, and iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium, europium,

zirconium, lutetium, vanadium, and lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium, and gold,

protactinium and indium and gallium, and phosphorus and francium and fluorine and terbium,

and manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium, dysprosium and scandium and cerium and caesium.

There's lead, praseodymium, platinum, plutonium, palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium,

and also mendelevium, einsteinium, nobelium, and argon, radon... Agh!

..and argon... Hold on quiet. Shh! Quiet!

LAUGHTER

..argon, radon, neon, krypton, xenon, zinc and rhodium,

and chlorine, carbon, cobalt, copper, tungsten, tin and sodium.

Now clap.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is my moment to be on television doing magic. You ready?

I'm ready, I'm ready.

This is a colouring book.

There's nothing weird, odd or bizarre about it,

other than it says the word magic on the front of it.

There's actually nothing in the colouring book.

I'm showing you, you see? There is nothing.

-Nothing.

-Nothing.

-There's nothing in it.

-But, Brian...

-Yes?

Will you blow on the colouring book?

I beg your pardon?

LAUGHTER

No, harder than that.

LAUGHTER

Come on. Blow hard!

APPLAUSE

I am a blowhard. OK.

Let's see what that's done, shall we?

Oh!

Oh, wow!

-Pictures, don't you know?

-That is some crazy magic.

Oh, there's more, Graham. Don't stop me.

More? There's more!

OK, so, the next stage is...

Now we have pictures. Ben, we have pictures.

We have pictures. I can see the pictures.

Will you blow on it?

-Give me your full Smaug.

-I will blow hard.

OK, good.

Was it hard enough?

I should do panto!

-SHOUTS FROM AUDIENCE

-Oh, yes!

-Mum, we've talked about this, Mum.

-Was it hard enough?

No, it wasn't hard enough.

But I'm a wizard...

..and I have a wand.

CHEERING

That was good.

It's been sitting there awkwardly for the whole show.

-Don't spoil it!

-Sorry.

And maybe for full-on Marvel...

..like, wizarding crossover...

..the potential for Doctor Strange to come into the wizarding world...

-We might get sued for this.

-Will you give us a spell, Ben?

-Azakasham!

-Yeah! Good.

It's actually better than I did.

Drum roll?

Oh!

CHEERING

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

If there was one rule that I'd want all guests to stick to,

it's that first one.

You remember, the one about telling a story -

but not just any story.

When I was teaching, which is what this show is based on,

I went home one weekend, and I was in my 30s.

I was probably 33 years of age.

I went home to see my mother.

And then I went back.

While I was at home, my mother did my washing for me cos I was only 33.

And then I went back.

On the Sunday night, I got really drunk

and then I went for a curry -

and then the next day I went into school.

LAUGHTER

I'm going to. I went into school.

It was a school in Slough and it was quite a rough school,

but they had a brilliant hearing impaired department,

so there were hearing impaired kids who, you know, struggled.

They were really looked after in the school.

Anyway, I was really hungover, I went there,

and about break time I felt really uncomfortable.

I thought, "Something's not right," you know?

So I went to the toilet and I pulled my trousers down

and some of my mother's knickers had got...

..had got mixed up in the wash she'd done,

and I was wearing my mother's underwear.

And I went, "Oh, God, no!"

I remember going, "Oh, you loser.

"This is such a low point, you fucking loser."

And, then...

And then the curry and the booze... the curry and the booze kicked in

from the night before.

So I...

I did like a faecal Jackson Pollock.

APPLAUSE

And I started...

I started going, "Oh, God, not this!

"Not this as well! Oh, Jesus!"

So I cleaned myself up, I pulled my mother's pants back up.

And I went back into the, erm... classroom.

And I saw one of the hearing impaired kids

looking at me like this.

And that's when I remembered that I had a microphone directly...

LAUGHTER

..connected...

..to his hearing aid.

LAUGHTER

Just follow all my advice, like everyone in this show did,

and the honour of being a good guest will be yours...

..and sometimes, when all the show business elements fuse together

on a special night, the talk show sofa

can become the best place in the world.

You need stars that are ready to have fun and be themselves

and have consumed industrial quantities of champagne -

and I mean industrial quantities.

One, two, three.

CHEERING

Oh, he did!

Wow!

Oh!

CHEERING

Wow!

So, that's my guide to being a good guest.

Follow that advice and you'll be on my big red sofa.

Oh, but please get very famous first.

See you next Friday for the real thing.