Episode 19 The Graham Norton Show

On the show tonight, Britain's dishiest actor. Are you looking

forward to seeing Hugh Grant? Are you a fan of Hugh Grant? Yes he's

on the show, Hugh Grant. Let start Oh, oh... You're very kind. Too

kind. Yes, thank you. What a show we've got tonight! We've only gone

and got the brilliant Hugh Grant! We have. Yes we have. Gavin and

Stacey star, Page is here: The hill airous Jo Brand is on the show! And,

later we've music from chart toping DJ David Guetta. I know!

I tell you I'm really looking forward to meeting Hugh. I know

he's thrilled to be on the show, because I listened to one of his

voicemails. I didn't think his pass woord would be 124. I thought Hugh

was brilliant in Love Actually, he plays the Prime Minister who falls

in love with the tea lady. As if the Prime Minister would feel any

affection for the person who makes his tea! I've had a great weekend,

everyone looking forward to St Patrick's Day? Oh yes, Saturday

night everyone in Ireland there be going out getting hammered and what

a coincidence, it is St Patrick's Day n Ireland a lot of people

celebrate by kissing the Blarney Stone. They do. I think that's a

kiss, yeah. Back of it, and think of Ireland.

Honestly, who would be stupid enough thinking kissing something

500 years old, and covered in saliva, would bring them good

fortune! Later we'll have music from get get

get - David Guetta. But first, my Pageing my next guest, it is Joanna

Page. And here is a guest I Love Actually, it is Hugh Grant.

You all right ladies. Now, thank you all for being here. And they

told me, they said to me, Mr Grant is driving himself. I thought how

lovely and low key. But then I saw your car, it's a posh car isn't it?

I've reached that stage in life, where I need a flash car to keep my

spirits up. I'm not proud of it. But I'm very, very in love with it,

I have to say. It is blue? It is blue and so beautiful. There's

nothing I don't love about it. If I could get it into bed with me, I

would. I adore it. What's frightening is I turned into the

person, I go home after a few drinks, in the old days you would

read a book or look at pornography on the internet. Now I look at the

internet about crank shafts and dfrbgss and I'm slightly aroused by

them. Do you understand cars, it is not just the look of it it? I did,

but now you could quiz me. I won't be quizing you. Joanna Page, now

are you a good driver or not? I'd like to think I'm a good driver,

but my husband might think differently. The first time he took

me out, he said turned right around the roundabout, so I turned right

and went around the roundabout. Since then I've had a problem with

round bs. Next time he said go right, and then I went over the

round be. So he thought we were going to die. It was funny now. Jo

Brand, you co-can really drive? have my international rally driving

license, yes. Do you, I mean, how do you get that, do you have a

special test? You have to do a number of rallies. Do you do it now,

are you good at it? U my husband said he didn't want me to get

killed. That was before I got married. I do all the driving in my

family, because my husband never Now, Grant not just welcome to the

show, but welcome back into your lives, we thought we'd lost you.

Well, no. You seemed to have disappeared for periods of time?

Yes. I'm shy. No, I slightly lost my enthusiasm for most acting, but

I've done little bits and pieces, cure yosities. Unless you're

exaggerating, it sounds like you don't enjoy acting very much at

all? Well, I enjoy it when I'm by myself. It is like dancing. When I

act, prepare a part by myself, I'm hill lairous, moving, drops of

colours, and then I get on the set and I do tend to freeze. The older

I get the more I freeze. It affects everything, my voice comes out high

and posh when I'm unfortunately. In this cartoon I'm a pirate, instead

of coming out "a vast" it was "a vast". I was suppose today leap out

of bushes and say "stand and deliver" and it was "stand and

deliver" (squeaky voice). The new movie, it was pirates, adventure

with scientists? Yes. Correct. is out on the 28th of March?

think so. And it is genuinely funny. Not particularly thanks to me,

Ardman are geniuses. Funny script and brilliantly animateed, the

Plasticine figures are brilliant. What can I tell you, I'm in it, and

badly cast in some ways, I play a huge, portly pirate with a beard,

and I found if I strokeed my beard, I would find the character. In fact

the director had a beard and I used to have him stand next to me and

stroke his beard. I find now I stroke beards of strangers in the

street. We have a clip. That's what we've done. That's unusual. It has

colour, and sound and your voice coming out of a captain pirate.

Behind every captain the glittering eyes and luexyuerant beard, a

Briany rose. Some of you are a ugly as a cucumber, some of you are used

to ago coach, and some of you are fish I dressed up in a hat. But

you're still a best crew a captain could wish for. Don't forget Polly.

Never forgetting Polly. The best parrot to sail the seven seas, who

is a feather soul of our boots. Is it you, yes it is. It is definitely

It's one of those, it entertains but there is some education in it,

isn't will? Yeah, you've got all kinds of historical figures,

Charles Darwin, it aims to please everyone from five to 85.

I saw it. Proper, big laughs, when I saw it, with a Jadeed audience?

That's very good news. It was great, you should be thrilled with it?

This is my pleased face, I am. are not just acting, you have

become I was going to say unlikely campaigner, but you have become a

campaigner with your hacked off campaign. The hacked off campaign

was to get the Leveson Inquiry to start Yes. Have you stopped that

campaign or have you new aims? we police the inquiry. And try and

make sure it is going the way we'd hoped it was going. But I think it

is. I'm rather a fan of Lord justty Leveson, he is doing a great job.

It is unmissable television. It is good to watch.

Are you, surprised at just how big the story's got, and it's getting

bigger all the time, even this week, new developments? Not really. I've

been ranting and raveing for years about all this. And you know,

people, roll their eyes and thought "poor Hugh he's drinking too much"

when I say you don't understand they've corrupted the Government,

and they've emasculateed by these people. It is now clear I wasn't

completely mad, or those saying the same thing thought we're not mad.

You pick add fight with people who, generally win. Well in PR terms it

is not a classic move to take on the tabloid press, I realise that.

Luckily, because I don't do many films any more, that's not such a

worry to me, I'm worried for or forms of revenge, someone is

leaving a doing mess outside my house every day. I've become more

obsessed about finding out who that is. I'm obsessed by that, I follow

people, to see if they use a bag and that. That is weird. Maybe it

is one of those people I Scotlanded before. I don't like it if they use

the bag and leave the bag by the tree. What's the point of that, it

is more disgusting than the dog mess in the first place.

sometimes there's no bin, and you are carrying the bag for a long

time. I've had to carry a bag for ages. I remember, doing a walk by

the canal in Leeds, there aren't any bins, I have my bags and I had

to do the whole walk there and back and my pocket is nice and warm

afterwards, because I am a responsible dog owner. But you've

got a little dog, I have a huge dog, it is like a handbag. It is like

I've gone shopping by the time I get home with it. Terrible. But in

terms of the tabloid press, and Jo, you've never shyed away from your

opinions of the tabloid press? I probably a mistake I would have

thought. Are you involved in the Leveson, are you going to be called

or? I don't think I'm important enough. All they've ever done with

me, is they've focused on, highlights of my life, first of all,

they thought I was a less beeian, so when I got married, they went

"oh my God the less beeian is getting married" and we tried to

keep our wedding really quiet. Just because we didn't want the hoo-ha,

and the Sun didn't find out until two weeks later, and they very

kindly put a nice headline on the front of the Sun saying "here comes

the bride, all fat and wide" which was terrible, my mum was so touched.

That is mean beyond belief? It is mean, but they are mean, they're

amoral, and they don't actually. I can take it, having been a

psychiatric nurse for ten years, I got much better and more creative

abuse as a nurse. Than I ever did from the tabloids, I expect it from

them, you just have to separate it from your life really. What do you

hope, at the end of this inquiry? What are your ambitions for the end

of it? There's my official hopes and the hopes I don't talk about,

which are to do with violence to certain individuals. I'm very happy

to help. In fact I'll do a poo outside someone's house. APPLAUSE

You think you will have a lasting effect? As I say, I'm a big fan of

Lord Justice Leveson, but if he recommend great things to protect

great journalism, while identified and doing something about the worst

excesses, the next hurdle is for the Government to put that into

action and then you see the Conservatives, are enjoyed a

largely Conservative press for it for a long time. But I've spoken to

the Prime Minister, I think, I love saying that - he, said if it is not

bonkers we'll do it. But we have to hold him to it. The Prime Minister

has been dragged into it all. And something did cheer him recently

bass he got to meet the lovely, Joanna Page. Here he is meeting you.

He loves you. He just had his nails done what... My husband was worried

after that, if I can make David Cameron bow to me, what will I do

to him. What the hell did you tell him, how many Tory voters are in

Wales? He was flattering about the show, asked if we were going to

make some more, I was on my best behaviour. This isn't the first

time. You've been to Buckingham Palace isn't you? When I was in

drama school, I went there to perform. What did you give? It was

a gala, and I went and performed in As You Like It. After it, myself

and this actress, we were not backstage, but sort of, and went

down, exploring, there was nobody to stop us. I will get arrested now,

but I exploreed in Buckingham Palace. I did steal a napkin, I

couldn't help myself. Is it at home and framed? I lost it since.

Did you get anything from Number Ten? No, but as we were leaving...

I went to the bathroom, and I looked around and I had this

overwhelming urge to steal something, because I thought I'll

nef go back, but there wasn't anything. The only thing I could

steal was toilet roll. I didn't want to do that. I had a fleeting

thought through my head, which was I wonder what is in the bin. I

thought for goodness sake, get out of the bathroom. I said that to my

husband, and he was disgusted with me. You stopped yourself. Yes. I

did Graham. I'm almost nefbous to ask, Hugh Grant has a terrible

toilet story, was it on a French train? It was suggested to me to

tell this story. Do you not want to? I was on a French train, it was

after Four Wedings came out. didn't realise. People were being

nice to me. They were saying "we love your film". I was going to a

film festival and I had a terpbl pain in my arse. I was nodding and

my arse is killing me. It occurred to me, I might have hem roids, I

thought it is my first pile, it is bound to come. I went to the loo,

on this very modern French train. I thought I got to look at my arse,

so it was very difficult thing to do. I finally found the only way

was to stand on the loo seat, pull my arse cheeks as wide as I could,

and look back through my legs. I actually got quite a good view. I

obviously didn't master the lock on the door, and I'm one of these

incredibly nice French people, came in and saw me, for some reason...

It was a bad moment. I feel I invaded my own privacy, and I

should be in trouble for that. Joanna Page back on BBC One in the

Syndicateings which starts on 27th of March, if we could watch that,

and the next night they could see Pirates. It is Kay Miller. What's

this one about It is about five people, who work in a small

supermarket in Leeds and we win the Lottery. We win about �4 million in

the syndicate. Each episode deals with our stories, and each episode

focused on one person. Did you meet people who won? It is surprising

they say, they recommend you to go public with it. And then they'll

say things like "you know, the buzz and everything will go in about a

week's time and it will be fine" I couldn't think of anything worse.

My character doesn't want to go public, I'm mysterious in it, and

I'm very set about going public. Interesting you should tell us,

because that's what happens in this clip. This is the bit you don't

want to go public. I don't mind the local papers, but I don't think we

should let all the papers know. not? Will it mention your names.

Yes but not your addresses, there will be some people who will know

about where you live, so we'll have to talk about strategy. What's up

love. I don't want people to know my business. What's wrong with you,

you should be jumping from the roof toops. What we'd like What we want

Leah, My name is Leeane. We want the winners to be happy with the

Were you married, was that was it? I can't say, don't ask me, you know

I'm terrible because it will be about. I don't reveal anything.

week four. Near the end we'll find out why you're so mysterious. Is it

a comedy drama? It is serious and dramatic, but there's comedy in it

as well. So, and things happen you don't expect to happen to any of us.

It is funny, you won't to slit your wrists. Let's put that on the

poster. Do either of you do the Lottery? No, don't be silly. I

don't do the Lottery, because I don't think - I've won. You do

gamble don't you, do you a flutter? I gamble at sport. Particular

sports? Well, the sport I'm ashamed of, golf, yes. I only play for

money. Money and hatred. It is about taking money off someone I

dislike. That's my Saturday. seem unlikely golf player? I'm so

embarrassed, I wish it was surfing, but no it is golf. Are you good at

it? No crap. Is that obscure bets? It is highly complex. I'm very

ashamed of it, I don't want to talk about it, move on. Jo Brand you do,

is it horses is your weakness It is not weakness, I put a tenner on a

horse called Jay Brand, and it went ten yards and fell over. That

reflected my own life, because that's what was happening that day.

Now, Hugh Grant take you back to your beginings, how old were you

when you became a actor, slash model? I know where you're going.

It is true, that when I was still a student, I humiliatingly, did

accept some holiday jobs, doing the photo love albums. My Guy, Oh Boy,

actually they were meant to be 13- 14-year-old, but I was so

underdeveloped, at the age of 21, I could still do it. These things

crop up from time to time, and there is, bring one out, go on.

know they're back here. The one I like is, Secret Love. You didn't

make the cover, I'm afraid. But you are in here. Look at you. Oh, look

are in here. Look at you. Oh, look at you there. Rather good acting.

What are you thinking "oh Teresa, I tried I just the past year has

changed you as much as you say it is, for your sake". Shoo here you

are with Teresa. Poor old Teresa. Was she blind. We're not sure.

may well have been when she bought the dufl coat. "a guy like him,

would never like an ugly girl like me". She's not wrong. But then, in

a twist, she does transform, and look she's, look how beautiful she

is when she gets back. A lot of that is shot in my parent's house.

You got double the money if you got You got double the money if you got

location fee. There is an art to acknowledging like that. I have a

frame. Could we put up a frame. If you're looking a bit boreed back

you're looking a bit boreed back there.

Graham has set the evening up in a bid to meet dishy Hugh.

It's good. Maybe I was too big, did I do too much. You were excellent.

I like a lot of praise. You were the best. OK. It was worth it

because you were in it. Yes.. You're not just saying that. No I

mean it. Now U you were a late developer as

a teenager, weren't you. Yes. I was. I may still be developing actually.

But I was tormented by that. Lots of people are, but my fixation was

I don't have any pubic hair, and I will need some, because I was going

on the camping trip to Wales and everyone will see. I became

desperate and I seriously thought about making pubic wig from making

it from my mother's hair brush. I do have a friend who did do it. He

used interestingly, hairs from a stuffed armadillo. Whose uncle had

brought him back from Australia. There was a famous case of an eaten

boy, Arab, quite strict Muslim family, who had the same

desperation, but not only had he nef done that, but he didn't know

what pubic hair looked like, but he knew he needed on. He stuck it on,

and he had it stuck to his peenous, not around it. So was a tiger's

That's terrible. Awful. He's nef lived it down, I'd love to say his

name but I won't. Do you know him? All right it was me. That would be

lieck Monica Lewis ski. At the end of the sofa, we have award winning

BAFTA. I was there How weerld was that. I was so happy for you, it

was a popular win? You were there, that night. I was hosting Jo. "I

was there" I remember seeing you standing there. Obviously you are

working on the a series, awarding winning, Getting On. And you will

do a proper series this time? we're grown up enough to do six.

Not just the acting, but you're sporty now, swimming? Yes. Sporty

is stretching it a bit. You are a strong swimmer? I do like swimming,

I hadn't been swimming for years, before I did this show, I used to

like it, and I realised the last time was when I was in a weekend in

Paris, when I was lodgeed in a bid day, I am one of the middle ageed

people who "oh dear, I haven't done exercise since I was two. So I

better do some bf I die. Swimming is great, if if you are a fat

person, only your head sticks up. It is like an iceberg, there could

be anything down there. Presuming you have to worry about the

cleanliness of the water as well? In some circumstances you do. Well

that, is Hastings, no it is not. That's something called the

Mauleden Mud Race, you have to run 500 metres, but it seems like

forever, over the mud. It is a charity event held every year.

These athletic people do it in three-and-a-half minutes, there's

ten of them and they trip over the mud like fairies, and the rest of

us, end up like me, and basically, I went three steps and I stuck.

long did it take? I cheated, in the end and I went three yards. It is

so humiliating because they get the blokes in wages with lass soos, and

all this sort of beached whales like me, weigh, ride them cowboy,

around your arm pilts and drag you out. It is so difficult. So, one

thing I find is swimming costumes for big women are awful. I manage

to find something OK, and then a friend said are you wearing a cap,

and I said unlikely to get a shag in the sea. You have to be aware of

these things. Listen, Hugh Grant, I can't let you go, without asking

you about your, presumably it is the next film, Cloud Atlas? Again

it is a curiosity, curious film in that it is enormously long, takes

place in six different time frames in the past and future, and the

madmen makeing it, asked me to play six tiny parts, cannibals and

rapists, and for a laugh I did it. Got knows what it will turn out

like. I thought, this will prove to me, I'm not just a one trick pony,

and I pulled my own bluff. I'm standing in a hill top in Germany,

blood and fangs, and I'm supposed to be licking my lips when somebody

is stabed and I said I can't do this. Cool directors, watching the

monitor, saying "more like a leopard, you want that blood". I

can't do that face. Give me a witty line. I think I may be appalling.

Then I have to leap off the rock and do a forward role and devour

the person. They said do you want a stunt man to do it, or do it

yourself. I juched off the rock and at 51, it is surprisingly difficult

to do a forward roll, half way, I leaned over forward, take four,

they put the stunt man in. Will we recognise you? I hope not. Is it

loads of make-up. Sn I play a 85- year-old man, apply a slave, and

slaves are replica women, they live off soap and I rape them and I have

foam coming out of my mouth. It is a long way from Sense and

It is music time. My next guest, is a producer, composeer, and

officially the most popular DJ in the world, I read it. Please

welcome, David Guetta. Hello Sir. I - Jeans The same genes. That's

funny. We're both too old to wear these genes, you know that.

talk for yourself, I'm young. yeah, yeah. I want to say something.

I'm French you know. And I was behind watching the show. You're

all are so intelligent and funny. And I was understanding only half

of the words and 10% of the jokes, so I'm terrified now. Oh it will

all be good. Excuse me, (speaks French). Showing off. Now I'm

pleased to see you here. Why are there so many rumours, that you're

dead. Yes. That's usually happening in the summer when I tour a lot. I

don't know why. It is like Kenny and South park, that's me. On a

summer tour, I died three times I think. If you do this. Even, show

my car accident, that was. Look at that, that's the first thing. I

didn't know that, that's terrible. That's nuts. I don't know. Because

you're not. So many people love me, that's why. I don't know why some

people want me dead. Nobody wants you dead. Rumours start, that's the

way. Joanna, you've had strange rumours? My husband, proposed to me,

and the engagement ring was in a pouch around my dog's neck, but I

read they said the ring was in my dog's mouth, and she was so

talented I could prize the ring out of her mouth and that's where my

engagement ring was. You see it is happening again. I don't understand

what she said. Nobody did! didn't understand either. Nobody

understood that story. You're just being polite. Just smile and nod.

What is this accent. Welsh. OK. you're performing titanium the

number one hit tonight. But, who is the vocalist tonight? Her name is

Justine, and so you would say Justine probably. You wouldn't say

Justin. We would if she was a boy. I'm sorry. How would you say.

Justine. So you see it is the same thing.

Justine, I discovered her on the internet and she's a wonderful

voice, and very beautiful person. Obviously this is on the album,

Nothing But The Beat. It matches your jacket. I theme it had

specially. You're going to be up in the space, this is an amazing 4D

thing. They'll be dancing and whip them in a frensy. I'm sure, look at

the party people. David if you want to climb up into your box. I would

love to show your trousers together. What are the chances of that,

that's ridiculous. All right. You go. There he goes.

Still to come, sweet stories, but first performing titanium, it is

first performing titanium, it is # You thought it out

# But I can't hear a word you say # I'm talking loud

# Not saying much # I'm criticised

# But all your bullets ricochet # You shoot me down

# But I get up # I'm bullet-proof

# Nothing to lose # Fire away

# Ricochet # You take your aim

# Fire away # You shoot me down

# But I won't fall # I am titanium

# You shoot me down # But I won't fall

# I am titanium # Cut me down

# But it's you who will' have further to fall

# Ghost town # And haunted love

# Raise your voice # Sticks and stones

# May break my bones # I'm talking loud

# Not saying much # I'm bullet-proof

# Nothing to lose # Fire away

# Ricochet # You take your aim

# Fire away # You shoot me down

# But I won't fall # I am titanium

# You shoot me down # But I won't fall

# I am titanium Guetta get out of your box there,

great, great job, thank you so much. Have a little seat there and then

we're nearly done. Fantastic. That was good fun. Look

at them. They loved it. Right just before we

go, time for a story or two in the read chair. Who's up first? Hi it's

Caroline. I'm from Ireland originally. Which part? West cork.

Which part? Skull I know it well. Off you go with the story. I got

snubed by the Queen. You got stabed by the Queen? Snubed. I was at

Ascot and I was in the royal I've been to Skull far from the

royal enclosure she was reared. Are you understanding any of this

David? I have no idea. But I was putting my smiley face on. Exactly.

OK, last one. Hello. Hi. What's your name? Jade. What do you do?

work in events. She works in events. Like do you mean, what sort of

events? I work in a venue. Are you in fact a barmaid? No I work at the

Science Museum. Why are you hiding that light under a bush.

Fascinating, Jade. Off you go? when I was 12 and Notting Hill had

just come out, I was watching it and there was a part where Hugh

Grant says requesting at home, I got a masturbateing Welshman". And

when my mum shouted what are you doing Jade, I said "masturbateing

in my room mum". Give them more, you can walk. Well done efpb, if

you'd like to come on the show next series and have a go at the Red

Chair contact us at this address. Thank you to my guests tonight.

David Guetta. Jo Brand. Joanna Page and Hugh