Compilation The Graham Norton Show

'And you join us for the final of the Chatshow Olympics 2012.

'There's the favourite, Graham Norton.

'He's just going through his pre-race ritual.

'On your marks, get set...'

GUN FIRES

It's a personal best! Let's start the show!

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

So proud, so proud. I am shattered.

Ten years of training went into that, ladies and gentlemen.

I would've been quicker, but I did it four times in rehearsal.

It's been a great series

and here's a little look back at some of my favourite guests.

I wonder who's up first?

CHEERING

We're here for a while. Pace yourselves.

I don't know how to sit on this couch. It's like a hot dog bun.

You're a lovely filling.

-Can you remember when you weren't Madonna?

-No.

You know, the persona, Madonna. Can you remember what it felt like,

to not be the focus of every room you walk into?

I do. I really enjoy environments where I feel anonymous.

When does that happen?

When I just was on my skiing holiday, actually.

I was wearing a mask, completely covering my face and goggles

and so I could ride the ski lift and nobody knew it was me.

-Other people watching this now...

-People were cutting in front of me and stabbing me

with their ski poles.

That's our lives!

It was a holiday for you.

APPLAUSE

I think it's more important that you've named your dog after me.

Now I didn't name my dog after you.

Really, I heard you did. This is how rumours get started.

My dog IS called Madge. But...

LAUGHTER What does that mean?

It was a rescue dog, right...

LAUGHTER

Wait! It was a rescue dog.

When I went to the rescue place, they'd already called her Madonna.

I thought I can't have a dog called Madonna.

So I called her Madge.

Does that help you separate things?

I've got two dogs, so what was I going to call the other one? Mm, Madonna.

-What's your other dog's name?

-Bailey.

Not Gaga?!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Welcome to all three of you.

We're excited to see all three of you,

but I happen to know that Cameron, you're excited to see Sir David.

-I am so excited.

-Really?

-Yes, I am.

I told them back stage that we were making a Sir David Attenborough sandwich.

He's the meat in the middle.

I'll leave you to it!

We're his slices of bread, you know what I'm saying?

She's a nice French stick and I'm a wholemeal Hovis,

little bits of grit in it!

You wanted to be a zoologist?

I wanted to be a zoologist. That's what I thought I was going to be my entire life.

I wanted to study...

I could teach you all sorts of things.

I've learned a lot from you already.

Things I picked up on back stage, we won't mention those.

I studied the behaviour of animals and it happened to be human animals.

As an actor that's what I do, study human behaviour.

-And lots of discoveries?

-Yes.

-Big surprises?

Big surprises.

-I've found so much from your show.

-Really?

You should see the outtakes.

-Maybe we can arrange a viewing?

-Yes, any time.

-Kathy, do you watch Sir David?

-Yeah, I do. I watch David...

APPLAUSE

-It's incredible given that you have this

-phenomenal

-film career

that Fresh Prince doesn't go away.

Every country in the world, that is the thing that I am most known for,

no matter how big the movies get, it's the Fresh Prince everywhere.

Does that bug you?

Listen, man, as long as they're screaming "Will" I'm cool!

-Famously you performed the title rap.

-Yes.

Which I happen to know everyone knows.

Everyone knows...

Including me.

-So let me hand this over.

-Oh, jeez.

-It's quite heavy.

Here you go, Gary.

Oh, goodness!

APPLAUSE

You've probably seen some musicians before,

but get ready my friend.

LAUGHTER

Hit the track.

FRESH PRINCE THEME MUSIC PLAYS

# This is a story all about how

# My life got flipped turned upside down

# I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there,

# And tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air!

GARY PLAYS RIFF

Whoo!

# In West Philadelphia born and raised,

# On the playground is where I spent most of my days

# Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool

# And all shootin' some b-ball outside of school

# When a couple of guys who were up to no good

# Startin' making trouble in my neighbourhood

# I got in one little fight and my mom got scared

# She said, "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air!"

# I whistled for a cab and when it came near

# The licence plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror

# If anything I can say is that this cab was rare

# But I thought, "Man, forget it" - "Yo home to Bel Air!"

# I pulled up to the house about seven or eight

# And I yelled to the cabbie, "Yo homes, smell ya later!"

# I looked to my kingdom I was finally there

# To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air! #

APPLAUSE

Very good!

APPLAUSE DROWNS CHAT

Wow!

Next tour.

That's the opener!

Mmmmmmg...

Don't make fun, it's taken me all week!

Listen, before we get onto other things,

I want to gossip really, Cheryl did the Jubilee concert for the Queen.

By the way, were you asked to do it?

No, I wasn't.

In the papers we heard a rumour Prince Harry...

-Your papers never lie (!)

-No.

This is the nice thing, they said Prince Harry asked for you by name.

Prince Harry, he's a hot ginger, isn't he?

Are you sure he asked for her to perform though?

I don't know "Bring me Katy Perry."

It is Harry. He likes the ladies.

I'd be open to that.

You were chatting at the party, weren't you?

You and Prince Harry? Get off my man!

Princess Cheryl.

That would be the best wedding ever! Do it, go on!

Come on!

I would consider Prince Harry.

Do it. Oh, do!

It would cheer people up so much.

If you don't like her, call me!

You did tweet good pictures of yourself at the Jubilee celebrations.

There's you with Will. 1. Is!

I love the fact you've out-royalled him with your outfit as well.

Who is that gentleman?

-That's Prince William.

-It never is.

-Come on, Miriam.

-All grown up.

Is that really Prince William?

-Not the black one!

-No, the black one's you. I know that!

-I didn't realise that was Prince Williams.

-Prince William.

But he's bald in that picture.

That was a flash because it was his phone.

A lot of things are getting lost up there on the top.

You can't really see the top of my head there either.

Matter of fact, that whole entire black area is my afro!

APPLAUSE

You look very nice but I thought

you're a Scot you might be sporting the kilt on the red carpet?

-No.

-Do you ever do the kilt?

-Yes, I've done the kilt.

-On the red carpet?

-No, not on the red carpet.

-You should do it.

People are going "Yes, you have."

In Glasgow? Oh, I did! Oh, God!

Do you want to answer these questions for me?

This lady here. Basically, did you move to America?

She's from Scotland.

But just goes wherever I go.

That lady with the glasses?

She knows the answers better than I do.

If I'm saying anything wrong, you'll keep me in line.

Apparently, she will.

Minutes into the show, "Yes you have!"

I wore a kilt at my sister's wedding in Paisley, Scotland.

I had to go up and do a reading.

My mother and the family were in the front row.

Of course, as you know in Scotland,

there's a certain rule to wearing the kilts.

I'm sitting like this and everybody's kneeling forward

at the podium and my mum is looking at me.

And she's doing this and she's going...

I think that she's telling me to pray.

The whole congregation is watching me.

I'm like this, I'm looking at her and I go like this.

She's like...

Then I realise everybody is staring right up my...

Oooh!

I'm like this. I go...

That's why I always regret when I've worn kilts.

It's always a disaster.

Wasn't there a thing where you had a medical emergency on Cranford

when you were in full garb?

Oh, a tooth?

During a scene I had to say, "And look at the..."

I said, it's my tooth. My tooth's come out.

So they said, well, we'll get you organised.

We were out at Ealing.

So they said, yes, the dentist will see you.

They said, "Unfortunately, there isn't time

"for you to get out of all this, and this, and this, and this.

"You have to just go as you are."

So I did.

I went down to the surgery and I walked in.

They said, he'll be coming now.

Nobody took a blind bit of notice of me.

And he said, "Oh, right."

"Just come and sit back here."

So, I lay back and he said, "Open your mouth."

He said, "Are you working at all, these days?"

I was on a French train, just after Four Weddings had come out.

I didn't realise...

People were being very nice to me.

French people kept saying, "We love your film."

I'd say, "Thank you, that's very nice."

I'd find myself going to a some film festival.

And I had a terrible pain in my arse.

I thought, this is uncool. I'm nodding at everyone.

But my arse is killing me.

It occurred to me I might have haemorrhoids.

I thought, "Oh, God, it's my first pile."

"It's bound to come at some point. This'll be it."

I became fixated. I had to see this thing.

It's so painful.

So I went to the loo on this very modern TGV French train.

I thought, "I've got to look at my arse."

It's a very, very difficult thing to do.

I finally found the only way was to stand on the loo seat,

pull my arse cheeks as wide apart as I could, and look back through my legs.

And I actually got quite a good view.

And at that point I realised I'd not mastered the lock on the door.

One of these incredibly nice French people,

who'd been nice about my film came in and saw me,

for some reason...

It was a bad moment. Bad.

Terrible.

Perhaps most telling of all of how successful Mad Men is,

it has spawned its own range of Barbies.

Isn't that weird, that Barbie would make a doll a man who smokes,

and drinks and shags around?

It seems off-message. It seems kind of off-brand.

You don't want to leave that doll around any other dolls.

It will get very, very inappropriate, very quickly.

"Raggedy Ann is crying."

Sorry sweetheart.

Don't call.

This one is Liam's.

And then we've also got...

Oh, wait a minute!

Size isn't everything!

-I've got no legs.

-You do have legs!

It's very exciting, because there's a lighting thing.

When you see it, you'll be impressed.

OK. So, you're a money box.

-OK.

-He'll have your eye out!

Be wary. I sense a disturbance in the force.

Concentrate on the moment.

Feel, don't think.

Use your instincts.

May the force be with you.

That's impressive!

Never ending, isn't it?

Wow!

That's one.

This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard.

Is that it?

At least do it again!

It probably gets better.

Oh!

Zac, I like the way your friends use your fame

as like a joke, like a game.

Oh, gosh. Yes, they do.

Yeah, they do.

We have a lot of fun, my friends mess with it a lot.

We can't take it too seriously.

I'm just the same dude that they always knew that I grew up with.

We drive around and, if I'm riding shot gun,

if we pull up next to a bunch of girls in the car,

they always roll down the music and turn on a High School Musical track

at a red light.

And I just stare forward, like nothing's going on.

But we see how long it takes them to notice.

Some of them know the song and go, "Great song!"

Then my friends start going "Yeah, it's him. It's him."

They look at me and I go, "No, it's not."

They go, "Is it really?" I go, "No, no."

"It is! It is!"

When do you guys do that? Can I get in on that?

Yeah. I've got no plans.

If we combine forces... If WE combine forces.

Don't touch me, Zac Efron! I don't want to come in your crappy little car, play your music

and have people screaming at me, thank you.

Having said that, I am free on Sunday and Monday.

You know what happened to me? This happened a long time ago.

I was on the 101 heading to work one morning.

We were shooting Friends.

It was gridlocked traffic.

Nobody was going anywhere.

I look out the window there's a girl in the car next to me.

She's rocking out to some song. It was when the Friends theme song was number one on the radio.

I put the window down to hear what she was listening to.

I realise what she's listening to.

She looks over at me, sees me, freaks out,

takes her foot off the brake, slams into the car in front.

I can't go anywhere, so I just put the window up.

I felt like such an ass.

I did What The Butler Saw in Salisbury Playhouse,

one of my first jobs out.

There's a scene, I had to jump up naked behind a sofa,

I've got a policeman's helmet covering my bits and bobs,

and run off.

In Salisbury, it was the blue rinse brigade down there.

Once I didn't quite cover myself.

There was this noise...

800 old ladies, it was such a great noise,

that I never covered myself properly again.

One night, there was a flower vase on the set,

and for some reason there was water in it.

Like, why would there be water in it?

It's a play, it's not real.

Anyway, it had spilt and I didn't know.

So I got up from behind the sofa, slightly revealing myself,

I ran and hit the water and I landed right on my back like this,

with a helmet, and I shot towards the audience.

This woman had my arsehole coming at her like that.

There is a lot of discussion on the Internet

about what Beez In The Trap means.

Can you be definitive, Nicki Minaj?

Ooh, what should I say?

Let me think.

Beez, is the letter B, for boys?

Or is it bees, as in buzzy bees?

No, it just means that, you know, it's saying I am always,

you know that's our slang way of saying...

You know, we be like, "I beez doing such and such."

So it's really like, "I'm always in the trap."

Now the trap, ladies and gentleman,

relates to anywhere that you get your money. So you're in the trap right now, Playboy.

Oh, yeah!

You in the trap right now.

APPLAUSE

I Bs in the trap.

I Bs in the trap.

When did you last get called playboy? I love it!

Can I just say, I'm very down with this

because I've been reading my nikktionary.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

I have, yeah. Let's find it. It's on here.

It's all you on here.

So like strawberry short cake, if I hit that.

"Word. Strawberry short cake, noun.

"Definition: a broke bitch.

"Definition: one who loses sight of her goals and her cake

"by focusing on beef and negativity."

Yeah, you strawberry shortcake.

LAUGHTER

Later on this year, Asterix and Obelix, your good self, is back.

-This time you shot it in Ireland.

-Yes.

You were in all the papers. You were going to Ireland, weren't you?

-You were flying to Ireland.

-Yes, I pee on the plane, yes.

-Did you really?

-Yes.

I thought you were going to tell us a story...

No, it never happened.

-So you did pee on a plane?

-Of course.

Because you can't stop when you have some...

When you want to pee, please, go pee.

Nobody can stop you, if you want to pee because you can die.

I was hurry, I say please.

This is not my mind.

This is organic thing, you know.

She said, "No." I said, "Give me a bottle."

And I pee on the plane and she said, "Aahhh!"

I said, "Don't worry, I will clean it."

-Too much for the bottle.

-Too much, yes.

APPLAUSE

That can happen.

Now are the girls good at school

because you weren't very good at school.

They're horrible. No, they're great.

They're smarter than me.

-I can't help them with their homework any more.

-At ten?

-At ten!

-I dropped out.

-What, at nine?

Yeah! My story, at the coal mines.

There's a website that collects together the detention slips

that kids receive, the bits to show their parents.

There's lots of reasons.

There's some classics of the genre in here.

"He was disrupting the class claiming to be the reborn Jesus

"and hitting the other students with the Bible."

APPLAUSE

Prove it isn't true!

How do you know he wasn't the risen Jesus?

Jesus has got detention now.

This is a teacher who sent this through.

Remember, this is real, a teacher really typed this letter

and gave it to a child to take home to their parents.

"Alex consistently defied me.

"During class he contradicted me numerous times.

"I insisted that the length of one kilometre was greater

"than that of one mile.

"Although he was correct..."

APPLAUSE

"..Alex's actions show a blatant disregard for authority

"and complete lack of respect for his school.

"In the future, Alex should accept my teachings without resistance."

Isn't that genius?

Regards... Rommel.

Back to more typical children. "Drew large penis on white board."

That's amazing.

Now take it as one of those films where one speech becomes legendary.

Even on the poster they used the speech.

You know, the one when you're on the phone.

"I don't know who you are..."

Do you get loads of fans asking to you say that?

Occasionally I do.

My eldest boy is at boarding school.

Sometimes he will call up and say,

"Dad, can you leave a message on Charlie's voice mail?"

-And do you?

-Yeah, I do.

-Oh, you do.

Then I can never remember the words.

Well, listen, we have a special lady in the audience. Now her name is Jo.

Where's Jo? There's Jo.

You don't know Jo, I don't think.

-He doesn't know you?

-No.

She claims to be...

-Oh, God.

-No, don't worry.

She claims to be your first fan.

Oh, yeah?

Jo contacted us saying she would like you to do something for her.

Now...

So basically, she wants...

Would you leave an answer phone greeting on her phone?

-Sure, yeah.

-Would you? Do you mind?

-I call... Your phone is off, right?

-Yeah.

Otherwise that will be annoying and stupid.

OK, this should be brilliant.

Hello, this is Jo. Please leave a message.

-"Please enter your PIN followed by the hash key."

-OK.

"You're on the O2 greetings menu.

"Please record your personal greeting.

"To end recording key zero. Start recording, key zero."

-Read that and press zero again.

-Show me where zero is.

-That one.

-"Please record your personal greeting."

PHONE BEEPS

-Can I start?

-Yeah.

I don't know who you are.

But if you don't let my daughter go now, I will find you.

I will kill you. Please leave a message.

APPLAUSE

Very good. Let's see if it worked.

APPLAUSE

"Greeting saved."

Let's call it back and see if it was successful.

"I don't know who you are, if you don't let my daughter go now,

"I will find you.

"I will kill you. Please leave a message."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Please leave your message after the tone."

Hi, it's Alan Davis here. If you've got my daughter,

she's two, you can keep her.

I'm going on tour to get away from her. She's a nightmare.

She's also got chicken pox. Good luck.

Thank you so much for doing that.

Daniel, do you still get mistaken for Elijah Wood?

Not as often but still quite a lot.

-You don't look like him any more I don't think.

-I don't know.

I take it back. You look exactly like him.

I thought that was a picture of you.

In fact, yeah, I was fortunate enough to meet Elijah and he's a lovely guy.

Much more disturbing for him

because I was being recognised as him when he was like in his early 20s.

He was being recognised as me when I was 13.

He was a 20-somthing-year-old man going, "No!"

I signed a photo in Japan

because somebody gave me a photo of Elijah Wood.

There is no time in that moment to explain to them

in a language that is not their first that this is not me.

So I just wrote, "I am not Elijah Wood. Love, Daniel Radcliffe,"

..which I thought, when translated, that's a one-off.

-You got some expert tuition.

-Yeah, my abs are just outrageous.

-You got top tips in the gym.

-I got inspired. You go in waves.

"This is going to be the time when I get in that crazy shape."

I went to the gym and I was working out and I had chosen a day

when all of a sudden, randomly,

Arnold Schwarzenegger walked into the gym.

I knew I was in the right gym, right?

I tried to put some more weights on to look more impressive.

I think he knew the gym owner or something and was taking a tour.

He approached me and I don't know if he knew me as an actor

or he was like the governor "Hello, citizen."

He said, "What are your goals with your work out?"

APPLAUSE

I was so inspired but I retreated to this very little boy place.

I was like, "To be honest, Arnold,

"I if I could have anything, I'd really like to have...

"Did you ever see the movie Fight Club?

"I liked the way Brad Pitt's abs looked in Fight Club.

Without hesitating, he said, "That's all diet.

"You have to eat a lot of carrots."

I didn't know. I was like, "OK."

In my mind, I was like Arnold Schwarzenegger, like Mr Universe...

What a career!

So versatile.

A lot of people don't know that he was also Mr Universe.

Too many steroids...

So, I ran home and I bought a shit ton of carrots.

I was eating them for weeks but nothing ever happened.

I love how California this is, you swim with dolphins.

No, well, I've taken up the hobby of scuba-diving, which I really enjoy.

So I have been shark diving, which is kind of amazing.

-I had a real close encounter with a shark.

-A little shark?

It wasn't. It was about six feet.

Did it eat people, that type?

It wasn't... Why are you trying to diminish my story?

Right, it's a type of fish. You went near a fish.

-Let me tell the story.

-People do that... That's your story.

"I was near a fish once."

LAUGHTER

It could have eaten her hand.

Don't clap him!

Thank you. I love you!

I'm one of you. I'm here for you.

I'm going to shit on all of your stories.

Don't you have rules for swimming with dolphins?

With dolphins? I heard that you're not supposed to touch a dolphin

unless they come to you and offer themselves for a rub down.

Ooh!

-You're not supposed to touch them.

-Why?

Because dolphins mate for life and if you touch one of them

the other one can smell your touch and they think

that you've cheated on them and you can break up a dolphin marriage.

That is true. That is fact.

I know, I'm going to have to phone up Sea World directly.

I've been down one's blow hole.

Paloma Faith has had a dolphin orgy if that's the case.

Yeah, I've reckon I've broken up a few dolphin marriages.

I went to Cuba and I was in a situation where they were like,

"Do you want to swim with dolphins?"

They taught me how to sort of be lifted up

on the nose of two dolphins.

With your foot on each nose?

If you think she's making it up, somebody filmed it.

-That's a good story.

-Shut up.

-Not, "Oh, I was near a fish once."

It was a shark!

It came like that to me. That's not nice.

Let's have a look at this video. It'll be brilliant, this.

-This is nice work. I'm well into this.

-Now, look.

-Oh, brilliant!

-That's Paloma.

-Now watch this.

-Wow...

-Whoa!

-Wow!

APPLAUSE

That's amazing!

-What a great story.

-That is amazing.

That's brilliant. Well done.

Emily, have you got any footage of you near that fish?

LAUGHTER

I think I've done very well to last the whole show, not mentioning...

Oh, there you are in Boogie Nights.

Is it true you still have, I'm guessing it was a prosthetic...

What do you mean?

LAUGHTER

It was, it's one of the only props I've ever kept from a film.

Is it on the wall?

No, no, no. It's locked away in a safe. It's far too valuable.

What would my kids say if they saw that thing?

That would be terrible if you came home and found them playing with it.

Yeah. It was really awkward because I had to go to this prosthesis place.

I had to stand there and be fitted for it.

And all these...you know,

the guys who do the effects on movies are kind of geeky, so they're all,

(GEEKY VOICE) "Hey..." No offence.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

I'm sorry, I apologise.

Absolutely furious.

It was very awkward to have to go there and stand there

and, like, you know, they're... fiddling with you.

Also, because it needs to fit you... all the time.

Well, you have to have it...

No, you're not getting hard with this thing. Trust me.

It's awkward and uncomfortable. I only wore it two days.

The first time, they had to try different ones.

They tried various sizes

and you know, both length and girth.

It was a big pain in the ass, actually.

LAUGHTER

I didn't mean that either.

I didn't... I meant...

Cheryl, talking of, I don't know, falling out or a rift or whatever,

have you kissed and made up with Simon Cowell?

I wouldn't say kissed.

I tell you one thing he can kiss.

Ooh!

APPLAUSE

-So...

-No, we've made up. We're fine.

It's not nice having people you don't talk to.

I'm not that type of person anyway. It's not in my nature.

So if he was to walk on here now, that wouldn't be awkward?

No it wouldn't be awkward, it would be quite fun...

DRUM ROLL

Oh, my God! That was so scary!

That was the greatest joke ever!

You got your revenge on him in Afghanistan, didn't you?

Oh, did I just!

That was actually what broke the ice when I first spoke to him.

-Oh, OK.

-Because I went out to Afghanistan to visit the troops

and they had this whole section where they had explosive devices.

And they were blowing them up to say how they work.

When I got there, somebody had dressed one up as Simon.

It was the best thing and I got to press the button.

I was the detonator.

And he just went boom. Then when I came back,

because you weren't allowed to take a mobile phone or anything out there.

It's a security risk. I had messages from Simon, saying,

"Now you've blown us up in Afghanistan,

"is there any chance we can have this conversation?"

And that's when I first spoke to him.

Then I hired a plane to fly over his house for his 52nd birthday.

He's 52, by the way, 53 coming.

Did it have a big thing hanging off the back, saying "Happy birthday"?

I heard a rumour from his people, I won't name names,

but somebody told us he didn't want anybody to know it was his birthday.

-Perfect opportunity for me to hire a plane.

-You were just being nice.

I was just being nice. You know, "Happy birthday, Simon."

-That's a lovely thing.

-It had a banner trailing off

saying "Simon is 52 today" and it flew around his house 52 times.

I love it.

APPLAUSE

Do the catchphrases translate?

If you're walking down the Champs Elysees,

are people going "Comment ca va?"

Do you get, like, "Wie geht's"?

I've run out now. Those are my two. That's all I know.

I would imagine they try to translate it straight across as they can.

Doesn't your daughter still do it to you?

Yeah, but you know, my daughter, she's such a chip off the old block.

My sense of humour is, if I know something irritates you,

I'm going to play on it and key on it as much as I can.

So one of my friends taught her when she was little,

"You have to say to your dad, tell him, 'How YOU doing?'

"You have to say that."

CHEERING

But just to irritate me, she'll say, "How are you doing?"

She'll look at me like that

and I say, "No, that's not the way we said it on the show."

She says, "Yes, it is." "No, it's not, honey, it goes like this."

"No, it's 'How are you doing?'" "No, it's not."

We have these long discussions about it

and I know she knows how to say it right! I'm telling you.

APPLAUSE

Footballers in this country have a reputation

for going wild and out and about. But we don't see you going that mad.

-You seem to have a nice home life, you and your wife.

-Sometimes.

Oh, OK, fair enough.

No, but I have a nice family

and yeah, we're quiet. We don't need to be out there.

-So you're a footballer who likes consensual sex with one person?

-Yes!

That's really weird.

It's true! It's true!

APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

-Controversial.

-Cos you guys, you grew up, did both of you grow up in Essex?

-Yes.

-Did you go clubbing in the same places?

-No.

-No.

-Julie Walters...

-What?

-Did you meet...

For God's sake!

Leave me alone!

LAUGHTER

What do you want to know?

-You met your husband in a club, didn't you?

-Mind your own business.

I don't want to talk about that.

APPLAUSE

-Cheers!

-Cheers.

The whole concept of chat show falling apart.

"Why are you asking me all these questions?"

For God's sake! I'm tired.

-But did you go clubbing a lot?

-Clubbing?

-Yes, but back... Yes, I did in Birmingham.

-Yes.

Yeah, but what's that got to do with anything now?

-Isn't that where you met your husband?

-No, I met him in a bar.

-Oh, a bar?

-In Fulham, yes.

-In Fulham? I didn't...

It was full of frightfully posh people,

what we used to call Hooray Henrys. Everybody was frightfully posh.

I remember saying at the time, I was a bit drunk,

"I bet nobody here is a member of the Labour Party."

He said, "I am, actually."

And that was it. We met and he came home and never moved out.

He mended my washing machine,

told me I needed a pump. I misunderstood him.

And...

APPLAUSE

I'm interested in how you put your music together,

something like, say, The Time open brackets Dirty Bit close brackets,

were you watching Dirty Dancing

and kind of went, "I like this song. I might do something with it"?

No, we were in Ibiza

and getting ready for a DJ gig.

And I'm like, "I got to drop something for tonight."

So me and my home boys Ammo and Apple...

home boys, meaning people that are close to me, where I feel like...

-Chums. Chums.

-Like a chum, yes.

So me and few of my chums...

LAUGHTER

We were chumming it up.

And...

I asked him, "What are we going to play tonight that's unexpected?"

And he said, "We should mix something from yesterday - old school...

-"From the old school."

-Right.

-Not elementary. Old school meaning "back in the day."

-Back in the day.

Let's pick something from back in the day and flip it up,

intertwine it with...

..today's stuff, I mean, the music.

So I say,

"Why don't we use Dirty Dancing?"

And he replies,

LAUGHTER

"That's crazy, we can't use Dirty Dancing."

I was like, "But that's the whole point.

You don't say, "I was like, that's the whole point."

-But I...

-You don't say that.

You say, "That is the whole point." You don't need the like, right?

By the way, everybody,

please stop using the word "like".

-I...I don't like it.

-She feels strongly about this.

How about if I said I like you?

That's different. You're using it as a verb.

-I would say, usually I would be like...

-"I'd be like."

You see? It's a habit!

-No, it's quicker, it's like...

-It's not like. It is.

-It is.

-"What are we going to do today?" "I don't know what we're going to do."

So he was like, and I was like...

So we put it on the table and it was like, "Bam!"

Look how fast that was.

APPLAUSE

Well, I get what you're saying.

-It's like...

-It's not like.

While we're at it...

With the greatest of respect, it's "I've got a feeling."

No, no, no.

APPLAUSE

I don't want to gang up.

OK, here we go.

-Hello.

-Hi.

-"Hi!"

-What's your name?

-Kate.

-Kate?

-And where do you live?

-London.

-What do you do, Kate?

-I'm a student. I'm studying English.

-You're studying English?

-Yes.

-To teach it to somebody?

-No, just at university.

-Oh, yes.

-To speak it. She's studying...

-No, it sounds like she's got a plan.

LAUGHTER

She's got her life mapped out.

It's not free any more, Will!

Someone's paying for this.

I'm sorry, my dear. Off you go with your story.

Now, this is a story all about

how my life got flipped, turned upside down.

-Hmm.

-So I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there,

-to tell you how I became the prince...

-Don't you dare!

APPLAUSE

Go on, baby.

-In West Philadelphia, born and raised...

-Finish your story, baby.

-The playground was where I spent most of my days.

-Yes!

Chilling out, maxing, relaxing, oh, cool,

shooting some B-ball outside of the school.

Yes! Yes!

-When a couple of guys...

-This is a bit of a boo-hoo!

-They started making trouble in my neighbourhood.

-What happened, baby?

-I got in one little fight and my mum got scared.

-What'd she say?

-You're going to live with your aunty and uncle in Bel Air.

-Yes!

Well done, young lady! Very good.

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd