Episode 12 The Graham Norton Show

One of tonight's guests was in the hit movie Twins, about two twins

who were completely different. Isn't that right, Little Graham?

Yes, Big Graham, it certainly is. Who's a cute little Graham then? Do

do do do do do do do. He's so sweet, I want to tickle him. Stop it, stop

Hello and welcome to the show. From both of us. It's going to be a

great show tonight. Hollywood Voice of the Valleys, Charlotte

Church is here. Welsh comedy great Rhod Gilbert is on the show. And

we've got music from - can you guess the name of the band? Yes,

Now, Charlotte Church of course shot to fame when she sang for the

Pope. Then she went on to become a sexy rock chick. But the Pope was

still interested. And our sports- packed summer continues apace. Is

everyone enjoying Wimbledon? You've got no jobs, you're watching

Wimbledon! I love the way some players can be really vocal during

a game. That approach can have its drawbacks if you're not ready for

the serve. Andy Murray of course is Britain's number one. And there

have been signs this year that he's been more nervous than ever. Let's

get some guests on. Later we'll be having music from Fun. Boy oh boyo,

it's my favourite Welsh comedian, My prayers have been answered, it's

Oh, Danny boy, the couch, the couch Good to see you. They are kissing

Get it down you. You are all very welcome. You are working really

hard at the moment so it is very kind of you to find the time.

pleasure to be here. What is odd about the couch is that I assumed,

Charlotte and Rhod, you would know each other. See each other down the

supermarket! Charlotte and Danny, you know each other. Yes. When was

it? Charlotte came to my house in Beverly Hills. We hung out. How old

were you? 13. Where is this story going? There were other... Not just

a two... I was working on a movie, I'm still working on this idea to

make a movie about a 13-year-old girl. It is called The True

Confessions Of Charlotte Doyle. It is a wonderful book. At the time, I

was just beginning to work on it. I heard Charlotte saying and I saw

her talking with some folks on a show like this and I thought she

was really great but I thought, I'd like to meet her and since I'm a

big and powerful producer, I can get anything I want! And you didn't

It is funny, that idea if you, Charlotte, going to these parties

at 13. Didn't you go to a Britney Spears party? Yes, I was 15 then.

Where our! The grand old age of 15. Britney Spears was there. Her PA

came up to me and she had a really brought Texas accent, she said hey,

dull, Britney is a massive fan and she would like to meet you. I said

OK. I went over and Britney just went, hello. And carried on. I

thought, OK. Her PA said, that was so amazing for Britney, she loved

it. All over the world, Danny DeVito, you are a massive star, big

producer. But in Wales, I give you royalty. Now we are talking.

two of them! I almost spat that out! Did you guys see that Jubilee

thing on TV? I thought that was a killer. That poor woman was out

there for how many hours in the rain? Standing there like a trooper.

You take your hat off to that woman. The next day, I find they are that

Philip was in hospital. No wonder he's in hospital, he's 90 years

old! Of a sunk him! Or of the network's loved that. -- all of the

networks. Look at that boat! Whereas that boat from? She is

doing that. How does she do that? It is amazing. Even more amazing

was the handshake yesterday with the IRA guy. Wasn't that Karel?

That was incredible. She is having quite the year! We just have to

keep Philip going, that guy is cool. She really has had a busy year.

Somebody's got me! -- somebody stop me. I am not hearing Sir Danny!

was hoping she would come to see the play. The Sunshine Boys. An

open invitation to Her Majesty, please come. Write her a letter.

Her I wrote to her already. Danny DeVito, you're in the West End, The

Sunshine Boys, Savoy Theatre. I saw it last night. It is astonishing,

so good. Such a privileged to see you and the rest of the cast do

that play. I'm having a great time. I have got it until July the 28. I

am savouring every moment. I've never been on the stage in the West

End. The last time I was on stage was in 1972 in you walk -- New York

doing One flew Over the Cuckoo's nest. This is 40 years later. Talk

about royalty, Richard Griffiths is amazing. He is a national treasure.

He has a wonderful actor. It is you and Richard, you play an old

vaudeville act with tensions. Estranged. We have a lot of fights,

big conflict on stage. There's something inherently funny about us.

Look at us together, that is just right there! The last play, One

flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, the movie of that... That was your big

break. Yes. Michael Douglas was one of the producers. Yes. You lived

together. Michael and I did. We were in New York in 1968 and we

shared an apartment. I was the vague magnet. That was it. -- at

Babe Magnet. It was a symbiotic relationship with the tie on the

door. If you have a small apartment, if somebody is shagging a girl, put

the tie on the door and if you see the tide, you go for a walk. You

notice the way I said she had? Really crazy. I like that the

shagging was so it unexciting that you could not hear at a peak. -- a

peep. You don't want to walking on that. Talking about time passing

and getting older, you don't look... Your passport. -- you have passed

40. No way! That was sarcastic. Is it a big deal? Who did that? That

was your twin brother! Who did that sarcastic no? Cheeky bastard! I

past 40 years ago. How odd are you? 44. Danny is 38! Was at a big deal?

What are you on about, it was four years ago! Of course it is a big

deal. You are nowhere near that. I've got 14 years yet. You are

still so young. 26. Christ, that's unbelievable. You look much older

than that! Just that you've been around... Donkey's years. A more

than 26 years! You've been around longer than you have existed! Of

celebrity longer than you've been a person. I remember sitting on the

toilet when I hit 40. I haven't been since! I can remember looking

down, this is a weird thought, looking down at my own Venus,

thinking, that his 40 years old. That is 40 years... It has been

dangling for 40 years. That thought blew my mind. I know all of my body,

but it was just that one bit. It is older than Sydney Opera House!

Longer than last of the Summer Wine. I'm hitting 50 soon. Tell me about

it! I'm 49. No way! Is that it I must mention something else which

is going to please a lot of people. They've just announced there will

be a sequel to Twins. Yes. Very happy. We're going to call it

Triplets. I'm not joking! Arnold and I got together and we talked

about it. We wanted to bring something new to the table. We

decided to go to Eddie Murphy and see if he would be our brother. We

will see how it works out. first one was in 1988. What has

taken so long? He became governor of California. That was the

stupidest thing in the world. I'm always pitching ideas, trying to

get some movies made or whatever, and I had him over my house for

lunch. I have this idea for a Twins 2. We were talking and he said to

me, people have been asking him... He may run for governor of

California. I got so depressed, I said this is ridiculous, why?

Firstly, I was thinking, I wasn't really thinking about the state and

how could this guy run the state of California. I was thinking about

how much money it would cost me if he doesn't do this movie! I said to

him, Arnold, you are going to do this, get up in the morning and

have a breakfast meeting. If you are Governor. You will have a

branch meeting. Then lunch. Then a meeting in the afternoon, then you

have to figure this out. All of this stuff by the time you come

home. You will be a dead man. I said look at this. Twins to.

Now, Danny DeVito, very exciting, because you are also in a new movie.

The Lorax. It opened in the States a few months ago. It is a big hit.

It is. It's a Dr Suess story. A wonderful writer. This is a

terrific film. I play the voice of the Lorax. I speak for the trees.

It was a blast to do. I did it in English and then I did it in German

and I did it in Italian and I did it in Spanish, twice. Then I did it

in Russian. So my voice... If you speak any of those languages, my

voice is actually in the movie in all those places. It is mad! I have

never heard it done before. Do you speak those languages? Yes, two of

them. Yes, all those languages! No, I had coaches and we did it, it

took a month or a month-and-a-half to do all the languages. Could you

do it in Welsh? Do you speak Welsh? Do you like green eggs and ham.

Could you do that in Welsh? No. right it is... SPEAKS WELSH

Say again. It is good though. is how you do it. They write it out

fon netically. We do it over and over again until we get the

pronunciation right. Then make sure the performance is up to what it

was in the movie n the American version. I cheated a bit. SPEAKS

WELSH It is bacon. It is bacon. That is a great word

for bacon. It means pigmeat. I was too embarrassed to say what ham was.

What is that? Ham is ham! I was worried about changing the bacon.

It opens on 27th July. We have a clip. This is you, performing in

English. Yes. Question, what are they doing here?

Follow up, if I may, what are you doing here?

Well, after the incident last night, we found one of your socks and came

here to return it. When we got here, you were asleep.

Exactly and sleeping is the body's way of telling other people to go

away. I know. But you looked so cosy. It was cold outside. We just

fell asleep. No harm done. No harm done! No harm done! OK! OK, I put

my lips on the... Well, I used to, any way!

Did you just... In my bowl? That's why you have one of these!

You don't even have a moustache. course, that's it. OK, I thought we

made a deal last night! We did. I said I would not chop down any more

trees. I said I'd keep an eye on you. I'm starving. What's for

breakfast? The breakfast is overrated!

Very good. Now, Charlotte Church, every time

you're on the show I seem to be going, "You're back." Yes, I know.

You do this thing, you go away and you just get on with your life.

Isn't this how this show works? They go away and come back. Or do

you stay here the whole time? are back with new material and you

are planning a tour? Yeah. In the past we had the opera, then you

went to pop. The last stuff was more rocky. What sort of stuff are

you working on now? It's different again. The reason I go out of the

limelight is not only because I have two little babies, but I get

disillusioned with the music industry and think I've been doing

it for donkey's years. I think, I can't do this any more. Then I get

the bug. I miss it. I love singing. It's in my blood. It's what I've

always done. You can download The Rise, it's on my website. Have a

listen, see what you think. Sure, I will.

And some of the new material, you have done one which is about the

Leveson Inquiry? It is written around when I was going to the

Leveson Inquiry. It's about kind of those faceless journalists who have

the power to be able to kind of make a huge impact in whatever they

are saying. They are very powerful people. It's Murdoch and all his

many people and people who don't work for him necessarily. Your

phone was hacked? I read that somewhere. I gave a statement to

the Leveson Inquiry. Is that what you're talking about? OK. There

were lots of revelations at the Leveson Inquiry, but the stuff that

happened to you was really shocking, and it was shocking because you

were a child. To be fair, I had a good rant. I had a good rant.

off to you - I thought it was really good. APPLAUSE

It was important... It was a weird time. I was happy to be a part of

it. I think it's really important for this nation. I think a lot of

people are coming out and saying, oh, well what about the freedom of

the press? It's so important to democracy and so on and so forth. A

freer press - are you telling me the press is that free with that

many corporations basically controlling, being in with the

Government and stuff. That's not a free, that's not a free press. Yeah,

Graham! APPLAUSE

The tour - and the artwork - quite arresting the artwork. Is that

barbed wire? It is kind of like string. A dreadful flossing

accident. It is a lyric in one of the songs. When I am crushed, mouth

sown. It says a lot of things. It is however you want to interpret it.

Rather than me saying, this is what the music is, I want people to come

to shows. I'm going all over the country, in Oxford to lan did know.

It is a Clan... And two children. How old are they?

Three and four. Are you from the Home Office?

Now, listen, Danny DeVito, it is funny, reading your book, you have

given interviews, I am reading half the stories thinking that didn't

happen. Is the story about you, the cigar and the plane true? Yeah, I

was going to promote a movie in Europe. I was in New York, about to

get on a plane. I'm with my buddy and we're having a great meal. They

feed you like crazy. I drink like a fish, drinking like cog knack and I

start to feel... I'm in the middle of the Atlantic. I felt I was dying

for a stogy. This is like a double- edged sword. Cigars can till you.

Do you like cigars? There we go. He was like, they

won't let you smoke on the plane. I said to the flight attendant is

there any way I can? She went to the captain. I was first class.

There were not that many people up there. And he says if you could

talk to every single person on the plane and get their permission,

I'll let you smoke one. So, I went all - from the entire

plane. I went from the beginning all the way through, downstairs,

wherever they were. I spoke to everybody.

And I got everybody's permission to smoke one. I went back up to the

first class. And there was a guy who was asleep in the back. I said,

he said you have to have everyone. I woke him up. I said, Excuse me,

Sir. I want to smoke" I told him the story. He did a really great

moment. He says "There is no way I am going to let you smoke a stogy

on this plane, unless you give me one too." So we both had one.

Now.... And this is the thing, I mean, like I know everybody, I dig

you all and you all dig me, but don't give me my way all the time!

OK! All my guests are used to touring the world. You have got

dogs. Do you do that stupid thing of talking to your dogs on Skype?

Why do you call it stupid? I do it. They look around. They don't really

focus. They look around and - I've done that. Leaving your pets at

home unattended, there are some perils to it. On the web there are

pictures of what can happen. One of the websites is called my pets

ruined. -- Shit My Pets Ruined.

Like somebody has ruined my pet? That dog's ruined. No, they have

ruined stuff. Here are some dog ones. Now, those three are blaming

that dog. That dog is a problem dog!

There were five dogs originally! It just exploded. My dog's blown up.

No, there was never another one. Obviously, dogs are kind of smart,

so they kind of think, well I might get in trouble, I have wrecked

something. I know - I'll hide. I can't see them.

Pretty sure they can't see me. I love this dog. This dog obviously

decided to use the cat-flap. He was a bit big for the cat-flap.

I like his face, going, no, no... Me! No, I don't remember using the

cat-flap. I have no idea. Finally, it's not just dogs - check this

cat... Never leave me alone again. Well done all of them. Brilliant!

Now Rhod Gilbert you are touring the country. I know on 5th and 6th,

no 5th to 7th. Is Hammersmith Apollo. We will record the DVD.

There are 130 dates. We're doing Hammersmith Apollo, we end up in

Cardiff. So you end with a big arena. 130 days. I like the Cardiff

arena. It is smaller than the others. I thought I would finish

there as a big finish. It is called The Man With The Flaming Battenberg

Tattoo. That is not real, is it? Yes.

you like it? You will be a good mother. When they are old enough to

have tattoos, you will be like why? I am not as bad as I used to be. I

do a programme called Work Experience. I was a tattoo artist.

The producers were like, if you are going to tattoo someone you have to

have a tattoo. I was like, I don't want one, I'm in my 40s. In tend, I

went and said I would have one. To show you how pointless they are I

will show you how pointless they can be. It was a battenberg with a

flame from it. I said, do you see how pointless they are. I won that

argument! It is real. It is real. It was for

a TV show. You saw it done. My girlfriend hit the roof. Hit the

roof. Why are you nodding. Damn right. We are not tattoo people.

Why would she care? This is typical woman this is. She went through the

roof for a reason that there is no logic. If she said you have a

battenberg on your back, you have a tattoo on your back which is

meaningless to you. She was annoyed for two reasons which have nothing

to do with it. A, she doesn't like marsy pan. That's the first logic

thing. She does not like one of the ingredients of my tattoo. And the

other one, she said, why didn't you get one to remind you of me.

should have just had a name. would not be pointless. It would be

a meaningful tattoo. The point was Have you got a tattoo, Danny?

You must know you are a tattoo. that again? If somebody had done

this, I'm surprised you have not seen these before. I'm really

looking forward to it. You must have seen these. Someone has

tattooed youth on their arm. -- you. You must have seen that. A day in

think I've seen that. There's another one. Frank Butcher! I think

that his armpit hair up there. I think it is in there somewhere.

cool! I did not pose for those. also were a drag queen. Drier

artist is the preferred term! is incredible. Look at that man.

Now look at him as a woman. You could host Daybreak! It is good. Is

this the one where you had every bit of hair come off? Of course it

was this one! You're in boots and a skirt. I was meeting her drag

artist mentor the following day. I thought the first day I would go

and get ready. I went to a company that can make Brian Blessed look

like Audrey Hepburn. I thought I would go there and fame whacks me

from head to foot. They plucked might eyebrows. I was almost in

tears. I went in looking like Sue Then they put me in those clothes,

I had fake tips and adjustable Nepal's. -- Nick Boles. I looked

like a demented pastry chef. They folded my man Fanny in two a... And

then dressed like that I had to go to a local pub and do a pub quiz. I

became Rachel. It was very difficult. He would? -- who would?

Anyone? This guy here. One? Really? Even he is having second thoughts!

That is cold. What was the voice you used? We took a while to get

that right. But I did some role- play. I tried to talk like this.

Could you do the walk? Once they put you in that stuff, they put you

in us -- in a corset and then put you in this stuff. My arm won't

like that. -- won't like that. I said, what's happened? I looked

down and my leg was like that. It was just because they changed my

shape and made me more feminine. Could you start over there? Say

you're a guest on the show and say I'm really happy to be here and

give him a hug and kiss? I'm ready. Ladies and gentlemen, put your

hands together for Richard -- So nice to see you, have a seat.

Very nice to see you. This is what it's like being a woman! This is

what you have to put up with, or perverts like him! By the way, you

really don't need the power past. It is music time. I am thrilled

with tonight's song. It is the best-selling single this year, it

has been number one for weeks on both sides of the Atlantic.

Performing, We Are Young, it is # Give me a second.

# I need to get my story straight. # My friends are in the bathroom

getting higher than the Empire State.

# My lover, she's waiting for me. # Just across the bar.

My seat's been taken by some sunglasses asking about a scar.

And I know I gave it to you months ago.

# I know you're trying to forget. # But between the drinks and subtle

things. # Though holes in my apologies, you

know I'm trying hard to take it back.

# So if by the time the bar closes. # And you feel like falling down.

# I'll carry you home. # Tonight, we are young.

# So let's set the world on fire. # We can burn brighter than the sun.

# Tonight, we are young. # So let's set the world on fire.

# We can burn brighter than the sun. # Now I know that I'm not all that

you got. # I guess that I, I just thought.

# Maybe we could find new ways to fall apart.

# But our friend isn't back. # So let's raise a cab.

# Cause I found someone to carry me home.

# Tonight, we are young. # So let's set the world on fire.

# Carry me home tonight. # Just carry me home tonight.

# Carry me home tonight. # Just carry me home tonight.

# The world is on my side. # I have no reason to run.

# So will someone come and carry me home tonight.

# The end is never right. # But I can hear the choir.

# So will someone come. # Carry me home.

# Tonight, we are young. # So let's set the world on fire.

# We can burn brighter than the sun. # So if by the time the bar closes.

# And you feel like falling down. Way our! Fun, ladies and gentlemen!

It is Fun! Do you call each other in the morning and say are going to

wear the white shirt and the black- tied? We are like monkeys. It they

do it. Thank you for coming in and playing the song. It is off your

new album. Are you kind of nervous because that has been such an

enormous hit? I'm nervous that we are sitting on a couch with Sir

Danny DeVito. He that has been removed. It is not going to happen

now. Dr? Do you off to Milwaukee tomorrow. The excitement continues

for Fun. That is mad that you are zipping all over the world, but

thank you for doing it. We've got very little time, but before we go,

let's have the last red chairs of this series. Who's in the chair

tonight? Hello! What's your name? Julia. We or are you from? I live

in London, I came from San Francisco. A what do you do in

London? I work for Google and I live with my husband, who is

British. Not too many details, don't block us down! Off you go

with your story. It was my twenty- ninth birthday and all of my

friends and I had gone camping along the river in northern

California. We were celebrating with a big barbecue that night. For

I accidentally tripped and fell right into the camp fire and

thought, my God, I'm on fire. 14 of my friends came to my rescue while

my best friend in the world round in the opposite direction, grabbed

her camera and documented the entire thing. My God! They hate

I was hoping it would go somewhere else. I was hoping everyone pissed

on her to put her out. I was hoping for the third degree burns. Sounds

really stressful. That put me in a weird place. She fell in the fire!

I was concerned for her safety. , OK. Who's next? That was shocking.

The audience love you. What is your name? Rosy. Very popular. Very

popular in the room, you look great. It is going really well. You have

got a matching watch, trousers, lipstick. And my shoes! And your

name is Rose! Rosie, we have high hopes. A nation waits for your

story. I'm from Killarney, a very popular town in Ireland. Right near

my house is a big field where a donkey lives. This is a great story

so far! Let me crabber pen. -- grab a pen. The donkey lives there

happily. He has since passed away, but this happened a few years ago.

I understand. When I was six, my brothers decided they would do a

spot of entrepreneurial staff. Keep going! He is dead now. He is happy,

you are 6, the brothers are working. Go! They decided to bring you out

of defence where the donkey liked to stand. They brought some sugar

cubes and a bucket. And they brought a sign. Is this a novel?

They put me standing with the bucket and a sign saying donkey

pool is 50p for an entire day. About 500 people took pictures of

me. Guess how much money I made? How much? �200! Good story. Good

ending. You can walk. Very good! Was the donkey did in the story?

died afterwards. It wasn't dead with her... That would be a great

story. Pictures of a dead donkey... How did she not get... It is one of

the worst stories I have ever heard? That's it! Well done to

everybody. You can have a go on there were red chair if you contact

us on the website. Thank you to my guests, Fun! Rhod Gilbert!

Charlotte Church! And Danny DeVito! That's it for this series. Join me