Episode 11 The Graham Norton Show

One of tonight's guests has just carried the Olympic torch.

Now it's my turn. Speed up a bit... I am running fast, aren't I?

I'm such a fast runner!

I should really enter the Olympics!

I cant keep this up.

Let's start the show!

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Good evening!

-BREATHLESSLY:

-Good evening, one, good evening, all!

Oh! I think I've got a stitch!

Welcome, all. Tonight's going to be a good night,

producer Black Eyed Pea and Olympic torch bearer Will.i.am is here, ladies and gentlemen!

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

Always one of my favourite guests, Miriam Margolyes is on the show!

CHEERING

Comedian and Inbetweener star Start Greg Davies is here!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And we've got music from American Idol star Adam Lambert, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING

Yeah...yeah...

A few Glamberts in. Yeah, there they are. Arghhhh!

LAUGHTER

And, ladies and gentlemen, Olympic fever building...can you feel it?

-AUDIENCE WEAKLY:

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

Woo-hoo.

This week they've released details of the opening ceremony.

It's going to represent the British countryside.

LAUGHTER

No, no, no. This is what it will look like.

Oh! A lovely expanse of British countryside.

Although, someone left the gates unlocked and now it looks like this...

LAUGHTER

Shame...

Actually, the Olympics has regenerated a lot of London.

Some of the streets there used to be in a right old state...

There'd be discarded fridges, shopping trolleys, untaxed cars.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

Let's get some guests on!

Later there will be music from Adam Lambert.

But first on the end tonight it's Greg Davies!

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

-Hello, Sir.

-How are you, Graham?

-I'm really well. So nice to see you.

Sit yourself down.

What the Dickens? It's Miriam Margolyes!

A vision! Come to me!

-Hello, darling.

-Hello.

-Have a seat there.

And I've got a feeling you're going to like him, it's Will.i.am!

Hello, sir. Sit yourself down.

WHOOPS AND CHEERS

Don't be shy.

Oh, what a cool sofa.

So, Will.i.am. And Mir-i-am, do you see? Mir.i.am.

LAUGHTER

G.r.eg.

LAUGHTER

-I'll take whatever you give me, Graham.

-Could I just ask...is it Graham?

-That'll do.

-LAUGHTER

Greg.

-Greg, Greg, I'm SO sorry.

-No, Graham's fine!

-Greg, could you just stand up a minute, would you mind?

-Yes.

-And can I stand next to you?

LAUGHTER

We were all standing in order of height back stage, you should have a look at this.

If Will comes and stands, this is a great visual.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Perfectly put together, this couch.

Will.i.am, you weren't always Will.i.am, but MC Will originally?

That was the first name I called myself, yeah.

Yes. But it stood for stuff, didn't it?

Yeah, it stood for Move Cos Will Is Living it Large,

so it was like an acronym.

OK. And then what did...you didn't go straight to Will.i.am, did you?

No, cos I was at school one time and a friend of mine named Mr Shaw,

well, he was a rapper, and he came up to me...

-A rapper?

-Yeah.

-Wow.

LAUGHTER

-You think he's a rapper?

-No, I understand that, yeah.

So, we were like 15 years old, right, and them Mr Shaw comes up to me

and he's like, "What's your rap name, you look like a rapper?"

I was like, "My rap name is MC Will."

And he's like, "MC Will's kind of lame."

I was like, "What's your rap name?" He's like, "Mr Shaw."

I was like, "You're 15."

LAUGHTER

He was like, "Yeah, it's authority."

So then I came to school the next day like, "I changed my rap name -

"I'm Minister Will."

LAUGHTER

I'll see your "mister"!

I'm just fascinated by you.

Because unfortunately I don't know many black people, you know?

-Except in show business.

-Yes.

-EXCEPT in show business.

And that's what's so nice.

-It is.

-It's lovely!

-It's exotic.

LAUGHTER

It's lovely, Miriam, you're right.

Now, listen, Will.i.am, I mentioned that you were carrying

the Olympic torch. Do you have connections to Taunton?

Why were you...why were you running through Taunton?

LAUGHTER

I don't know.

But they asked you a long time ago, didn't they?

Yeah, I had to keep it a secret for a while.

So it was hard for me not to tweet about it. LAUGHTER

-Impossible for you cos even while you were carrying it...

-That's when I was able to tweet about it.

There was some... I say there was SOME criticism...

LAUGHTER

There was a lot of criticism.

Couldn't you just have waited till you'd carried...you didn't carry it far, did you?

Let me tell you something. I don't...

It's like...

When they created the Olympics, there wasn't Twitter.

-True.

-So I was doing something, you know, that torch is light.

When I'm tweeting it's like literally sending light across the planet to people that have cell phones

so it's a different way to connect, if you think about it.

LAUGHTER

Maybe I'm thinking a little too deep about it.

-I think you've though about it FAR too much. Yeah.

-Maybe a little too much.

But you did tweet some really good pictures of yourself at the jubilee celebrations.

There's you with Will.One.Is.

LAUGHTER

I love the fact that you've out-royaled him with your outfit there, as well.

Who...who is that gentleman?

-That's Price William.

-It never is.

-Oh, come on, Miriam!

-Is that really Price William?

-Yes!

-Not the black one.

No, the black one's you. I know that.

LAUGHTER

-I didn't realise that was Price William.

-Yes, that's Prince William.

But he's bald in that picture.

That was the flash cos it was his phone,

so a lot of things are getting lost up there on the top,

like you cant really see the top of my head there either.

As a matter of fact that whole entire black area is my afro.

LAUGHTER

Is that what happens if you don't use enough product?

I think this is what'll happen if he doesn't use enough product. This could happen.

Did you go up to one of them and ask for their hat?!

I went up to one of the cats and asked if I could use his hat.

Now, we should big you up because this week you've given

an enormous donation to the Prince's Trust.

-How much did you give them?

-£500,000.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

You know, I had so much fun doing The Voice, so...

LAUGHTER I really had so much fun

and your country didn't have to accept me the way the country did

and I just didn't feel like taking the money that I earned was...

What am I going to do with it other than...

You're absolutely right. You've done the right thing and everybody admires you for it.

And if they don't they better speak to me

-because I think that's fantastic, really.

-It is amazing.

-It really is.

It's wonderful.

Cos there's a lot of wealthy people who do...

very little, shall we say?

It may not seem AS relevant

but in the late '70s I did a sponsored swim.

LAUGHTER

-He put the work in.

-I think I raised nearly £70, so...

-You've just got to do what you can, Miriam.

-You do what you can.

-Can you swim?

-Can I swim? Of course, I dive in and I'm at the other end.

He thinks he's Michael Phelps, he's like...pssshhh.

Now, you're living in London.

You made great use of London in the video for the new single

This Is Love which is released on Sunday 24th June and here's a clip.

# We sip till we smashed up Feeling all right

# And we rock the ghetto blaster Rocking all night

# I sent a rocket to the globe Armour just stole

# I fill it up with lovin' and then I watch it explode

# Eh, baby, yeah, all right

# Can you feel it?

# Good God, yeah, all right

# Can you feel the love?

# Can you feel the love?

# Can you feel the love?

# This is love This is love, this is love... #

CHEERING

Who's the lady?

That's a friend of mine.

Her name is Eva Simons.

-Her name is?

-Eva Simons from Holland.

-She's fantastic!

-Yeah, she's fresh.

-Yeah!

-She's dope.

-Now, this is fantastic.

Is it true? Please, if it isn't just lie!

That NASA have asked you to write the first song

to be played on Mars?

LAUGHTER

Looks like a researcher's going to get sacked, Graham!

LAUGHTER

-I don't know if I can answer that.

-So it's true?

No, it's not!

That's awesome! Is it true?

-I don't know if I can answer that!

-Are you going with ballad,

floor-filler? What do you choose?

-Who's going to hear it on Mars?

-Nobody!

-There's nobody there!

So, what's the story?

It's obviously out there!

-Right now, there's a rocket going to Mars.

-A what?

-A rocket, y'know?

-A racket?

-Rocket.

A ROCKET! Sorry!

-So, a ROCKET is going to Mars.

-A ROCKET. Got it.

-It's on its way there right now.

-OK.

It lands in August and when it lands,

it sends a signal back to show that it's there

and they're going to beam a signal back to Earth

and that signal will be the song.

-Wow!

-Wow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, is it a new song?

I'm from a ghetto in Los Angeles called East Los Angeles,

Boyle Heights.

I raised a bunch of money last year to create a STEM centre.

What STEM is for people that don't know, it's S-T-E-M.

It stands for Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics.

So, in every ghetto right now, STEM is not in them.

So that means a ghetto 20 years from now is going to be worse

than the ghetto today, because 20 years from now, technology will be everywhere

and we'll be technologically illiterate, where we don't understand how to fix it, make it,

or understand it if it breaks.

So, I don't want that to happen to the ghetto I come from,

so I raised about 7 million to create a STEM school there.

You're fabulous!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You really are!

Really!

I don't want to go on about it, but I didn't have to do that sponsored swim!

LAUGHTER

So, this program that I'm doing with NASA is to inspire

young kids to take interest in science, technology,

engineering and mathematics, because in every school you go to,

there's a football field, there's a basketball court.

Unfortunately, girls aren't going to become football players

or basketball players.

Right now, it's girls that are not into STEM education

when they should be the ones that are the leaders of tomorrow.

My whole mission right now is to use music to inspire the youth

to care about STEM education, especially the girls, and that's why I'm going to East London.

I talked to Prince Charles about putting a STEM program

into the Prince's Trust.

This is fantastic! This is fantastic!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You're making a difference.

He's making a difference and that's what we all want to do

in our lives. I'm nearer death than you are, believe me!

I want to have made a difference.

I haven't got 7 million, y'know,

but I agree with you. Education is key to the future

and how unexpected that this rapper would do this!

I don't have a very positive attitude towards rappers.

I don't really know any, you're the first one I've actually talked to!

I'm the black guy.

-Black eye?

-I'm the first rapper and black dude you kicked it with.

-Black eye?

-No, black GUY.

-Oh! Black GUY!

Yeah, that's true!

-We need to kick it more.

-Righto!

APPLAUSE

That's a record waiting to happen!

In terms of putting your music together, because something like,

say, The Time (Dirty Bit), were you watching Dirty Dancing

and went, "I like this song, I might do something with it"?

-We were in Ibiza.

-Oh!

We were getting ready for a DJ gig.

And I'm like, "I got to drop something for the night."

Me and my homeboys,

Ammo and Apple.

Homeboys, meaning people that are close to me, where I feel like...

-Chums.

-Like a chum, yes.

LAUGHTER

Me and a few of my chums... We were chumming it up.

LAUGHTER

I asked him "What are we going to play tonight?

"That's unexpected?"

He said "We should mix something from yesterday, old school,

-from old school, not elementary.

-Right.

-old school, meaning, you know, back in the day.

-Back in the day, yeah.

Let's pick something from back in the day and flip it up,

intertwine it with...

today's stuff, in the music.

So I say...

LAUGHTER

"Why don't we use Dirty Dancing?"

And then he replies...

LAUGHTER

"That's crazy, we can't use Dirty Dancing!"

I was, like, "But that's the whole point!"

You don't say "I was like, that's the whole point". You don't say that.

You say that's the whole point.

You don't need the "like", right?

By the way, everybody

please stop using the word "like".

-I don't like it.

-She feels very strongly about this.

-How about if I said I liked you?

-That's different. You're using it as a verb.

-I would be, like...

-Like. You see?

It's a habit.

-It's quicker, it's like...

-It's not like, it is!

What are we going to do today? I don't know what we're going to do

so he was, like, and I was, like and so we put it on the table and it was, like... Bam!

APPLAUSE

Well...I get what you're saying.

-It's like...

-It's not "like".

While we're at it...

With the greatest of respect, it's "I've got a feeling".

APPLAUSE

I don't want to gang up!

When you're DJing, can you mix any song into another song?

Sometimes.

-If you are doing like...

-Not like.

-Sorry!

It's like sitting an exam!

If you were to mix Michael Jackson's

Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Do you like that one?

-I'm sure I will!

If you were to mix Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough into...

Which one do you know? And I'll mix it.

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes.

LAUGHTER

-Cole Porter?

-So, if you were to do Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough

with Smoke Gets In Your Eyes...

-I've never heard it.

-# Smoke gets in your eyes... #

-You sing it, go. Bust it.

-I've just busted it!

LAUGHTER

So Michael Jackson's beat would go...

HE BEATBOXES

Go.

# Smoke gets in your eyes. #

APPLAUSE

Yet my gut instinct was to do some hard-core rapping, Graham.

That's when you were supposed to say, # Smoke gets into my eyes

# When I'm puffing on a doobie. #

When I was a kid I used to be into the Boo-Yaa T.R.I.B.E.

-Do you know them?

-Those big Samoans.

-Yeah.

-You know those guys?

-You must know them!

# Hit the gas Put on a ski mask

# Right when we pass What you think, smoke that ass. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let me do the second verse.

# This ain't a game Straight up reality

# Driven by the streets Born by insanity

# Drive by Yes, it's the season

# When the gangsta kills For no reason

# When an MC's sitting On a front porch

# Stick 'em like a pitchfork This is not New York. #

APPPLAUSE

Wow! That's good! Well done.

Did you make that up?

-That was the Boo-Yaa T.R.I.B.E.

-That was the words of a song?

-Boo-Yaa.

-You know I'm missing out here!

I thought she was going to kick out a rap right there!

# Y'know, I'm missing out here You better fear

# Don't say like in here. #

LAUGHTER

Miriam Margolyes,

very exciting, you are on a World Tour.

It's a proper World Tour. You've been in Australia already.

-And New Zealand.

-You've done New Zealand already?

-Dear New Zealand, yes.

But you get here June 23, tomorrow, Saturday?

Is that tomorrow? Yes, it is, yes.

And then you go to Canada and the States?

-Yes.

-Very good.

And all round England as well.

-Oh, yes.

-Taunton, we're going to Taunton.

What part of the States are you going to?

I'm going to California.

-That's where I'm from.

-Yes, I know that, darling.

-And Chicago.

-Nice.

And Yale and all over Massachusetts.

-When you say Yale you have to say 'yay-el'.

-Yay-el.

The show is Dickens' Women and we'll talk about it in a bit. In order to get, sort of,

match fit, you've become a vegetarian?

Yes, well, I'm 71

and I'm overweight and not particularly fit and I thought

I must get fit to do this tour.

So I went to India to an ayurvedic clinic and I had

oil enemas every day for six weeks.

Oh, my God!

Does a mechanic do that? I mean what...

Not really, no.

Is it hot oil, cold oil?

I think it's warm. Well, it's warm afterwards any way!

LAUGHTER

It really was amazing. That's where I became a vegetarian.

-I eat fish, but not poultry or red meat.

-Yeah.

It really got me fit. It got me going.

I was able to do the tour, so far,

-without missing a show or feeling poorly or anything.

-You look amazing.

You look very fit and healthy.

-Do you think so?

-You really do.

-Oh, bless you. Thank you.

You do swimming?

I swim every day. I haven't met you in the pool yet. But I imagine

-that you're a bit faster than I am in the pool.

-If I am there,

I'm probably raising money for charity.

LAUGHTER

You do yoga, don't you?

That's been my attempt to get fit recently, yeah.

I've been doing yoga on my own in my house.

-It's humiliating.

-That's very good.

I bought a DVD which is brilliant.

I don't want the lady who did this DVD to think I'm being negative.

It's great. I've done it for weeks and I just presumed

that the lady was some sort of yoga master

of her whole life and she'd trained in the Far East or something.

A mate came round and I showed him and said,

"I'm doing this yoga DVD, it's absolutely brilliant.

And he went "Mate, she's on Emmerdale Farm."

She's really good.

But she's a lesbian character from Emmerdale Farm.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-I'm one of those.

LAUGHTER

I know in America they don't say that much on television,

-but I like to say it. Because I think it gives people courage.

-Yes!

I've never met a lesbian before.

LAUGHTER

Probably because they couldn't reach you, I think.

Oh, they could reach me!

LAUGHTER

I'm drawing a veil...

Miriam, let's talk about Dickens' Women

because you've put...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

He said I've never met a lesbian

and then you said "Let's talk about Dickens' women."

LAUGHTER

Funnily enough one of them was a lesbian.

-One of the women in my show is a lesbian.

-Really?

Oh, yes. From Little Dorrit. Miss Wade.

Would people have known that Miss Wade was a lesbian?

Of course not, absolutely not, no.

It's only now we know.

Now we can tell, because he's such a wonderful writer.

-You put it together, you and...

-Sonia Fraser.

Sonia Fraser. People don't associate Charles Dickens with...

-Lesbians, no.

-His women tend to be grotesques or ingenues.

He didn't get on very well with women.

He was damaged by women. He thought his mother was neglecting him.

His wife, he fell out of love with. He had a mistress.

-I tell all these shocking stories in my show.

-So, it's not just the characters...

I tell the story of the man because he's so extraordinary and wonderful

and strange and so different from what people think he is, you see.

That's what I'm trying to get across. He was the greatest

writer of English prose.

In his way he was king rapper of his day.

If he was a rapper his name would be Chuck Dick.

LAUGHTER

Charles is Chuck. You shorten it up.

Why don't you come and see my show. You should.

-I think you might enjoy it.

-In LA we should kick it.

We should...kick it, yeah, it would be very nice.

I don't want to put you on the spot,

but is there a little bit of one of the women you could do for us?

-Is that too awful?

-I'd love to!

-OK, brilliant.

One of the characters that he invented was this midwife

and in Victorian days, midwives, are there any midwives here?

-Clearly!

-His midwife was a drunk.

-LAUGHTER

-Funnily enough, nothing has changed!

They also laid out corpses. They had two jobs. Midwives, they did both.

Mrs Gamp, who's the one that I play,

was a drunken midwife and she liked to talk about herself,

but she pretended that it was Mrs Harris, her friend.

She said, "When Gamp was summoned to his long home

"and I seen him lying in the hospital

"with a penny piece on each eye.

"And his wooden leg under his left arm,

"I thought I should have fainted away,

"but I bore up,

"if it wasn't for the nerve, a little sip of liquor gives me.

"I could never go through with what I sometimes has to do.

"As I said to my friend Mrs Harris,

"there were a last case, as ever I had to do,

"which it was but a young person.

"Mrs Harris, I says, leave the bottle on the chimney piece

"and don't ask me to take none, but let me put my lips to it

"when I'm so disposed.

"And I will do everything I've been engaged to do

"according to the best of my ability.

"Thank you very much."

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Brilliant.

You're a marvel, Miriam Margoyles, a marvel.

Now, is it fair to say, Miriam, that you are not physically shy?

-Yes. It is fair to say.

-Yes, I thought that was fair to say.

What was the story? You had a run-in with...was it painters at the BBC?

Yes. My goodness, things get around!

Well, one of the problems when you're stacked as I am, you know?

And when you run along a corridor...

-I know you're stacked, but just lower down, my stack is here.

-I've got it all over!

It still means the same stack where I come from.

Yes, I'm sure. I was going past these painters

and they made fun of me because my tits were wiggling

and I was running along.

LAUGHTER

I thought, "I'm not having that, I'm not having that."

You know, when you confront people, they get very nervous?

So I stopped and I went over to them and I looked at them.

I took their great big hands

and I put them...

LAUGHTER

I put them on my great big breasts.

They were terrified!

LAUGHTER

Next time, when I was going back along the corridor,

they were painting! And didn't say a word!

APPLAUSE

Greg, you're back on the road, you're touring as well?

Yeah, I am, in the Autumn.

Starts on October 3rd in Devon. Runs to December 14th in Blackpool.

The tour is called The Back of my Mum's Head.

-Is that your mum?

-It is genuinely my mum, yeah.

Was she on The Voice?

LAUGHTER

You didn't get it. She didn't turn around.

Oh, I see. I just laughed politely.

Why is it called The Back Of My Mum's Head?

Do you know what? The honest truth is

I took a picture like this when my mum and I

were on a beach and she was looking out and it just made me laugh.

-That's the truth of why it's called that.

-OK.

-But I'll construct a lie why it's called that.

-You have until October.

I've been humiliating my parents on telly for the last five years

and I suppose the thrust of the show is

I have to stop talking about them and humiliate myself.

But you do talk about your family a lot.

But they really make me laugh, Graham. They keep doing stuff.

LAUGHTER

-You and your sister had a horse for a while, didn't you?

-Yeah,

for a while...until it tried to bite one of my tits off.

It genuinely did!

It was the most violent horse. It threw us both off countless times.

And then, the day that we got rid of it, it tried to bite...

it clamped onto my breast and just shook

and I was bleeding. It was like a horror film. It was awful!

-You got marks?

-Pardon?

-You got any, like, horse scars?

-No.

I got away with it, but it was disgusting at the time.

-Imagine, like, a big horse scar...

-Yeah!

-..a bite scar.

I think I'd been wolf-whistling the horse, so... No, it doesn't matter.

LAUGHTER

-Do you like that sort of violence, then?

-No, not at all.

-No.

-Not from horses.

-No.

LAUGHTER

After I got back from the hospital, er,

I said to my dad, "That horse is mental! The horse is dangerous!"

And he went, "Oh, I know." We both went, "What d'you mean you know?"

He goes, "Well, I didn't really want you to have a horse,

"so I deliberately got a really dangerous one to put you off horses."

That's madness, isn't it?!

-Have you been on a horse?

-I've rode a horse before. A couple of times.

-You like it?

-The first time I ever rode a horse was in Ireland.

I was... AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Ireland!

So... So I was, er... LAUGHTER

I was working in Ireland with Michael Jackson.

AUDIENCE: Ooh! Michael Jackson! So...

-So he's like, er...

-Not like.

-Sorry!

LAUGHTER

So Michael Jackson suggested that...

He said...

I told him, "When are we going to record?" He was like...

LAUGHTER So he said...

SOFT VOICE: "Would you want some breakfast?"

I said, "Sure."

SOFT VOICE: "Why don't you go take the horse and pick some apples?"

LAUGHTER I was like, "What?"

He was like, "Take the horse on horse back and pick some apples."

-Is that what he sounded like?

-My interpretation of him.

-In reality, he sounded like this.

-DEEP VOICE:

-"All right, love, how's it going?"

LAUGHTER

SOFT VOICE: "Take the horses out.

"They're lovely. The horses are wonderful.

"And the thing about the horses,

"they know exactly where the juicy apples are."

He's like, so he said... LAUGHTER

"When the horse tries to grab the apple,

"just snatch the apple from him, cos that's a juicy apple."

So I was like, "Wow, when's the last time Michael Jackson's going

"to tell you to get on a horse and go pick some apples?"

So I hopped on the horse... LAUGHTER

..and started galloping away.

So I'm galloping down, you know, the meadows in Ireland...

..going apple picking.

So as the horse went to grab an apple,

I remember Michael Jackson saying,

"Don't let him get the apple. Grab it before he does."

LAUGHTER So I'm on the horse.

The horse goes there and I grab it.

He's, like, last thing I'm worrying about is, like, he get mad at me,

and then kick me off his back and, like, stomp on me.

I know I just hit you with three likes.

The story is so good, darling, I'm overlooking it.

So my thing was grab an apple, let him eat an apple, right,

-so let's share, right, cos I'm on his back.

-Yeah.

So that was the whole thing. So he grabbed the apple,

then I grabbed the apple, so then I came back with a bag of apples.

And he was like, "So how was it, wasn't it amazing?

"I just love riding horses and picking apples."

LAUGHTER

So that was, er, my horse-back riding experience.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That's a bonkers story!

-Listen, it's music time.

-CHEERING

All right. Before we hear this week's stories in the red chair,

we're going to have a song from one of the biggest stars

ever to come out of American Idol.

Performing his new single, Never Close Our Eyes,

it is Adam Lambert, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING

# I wish that this night would never be over

# If I had my way we'd never close our eyes

# Our eyes!

# Never!

# I don't wanna let a minute get away

# Yeah, cos we got no time to lose

# None of us are promised to see tomorrow

# And what we do is ours to choose

# Forget about the sunrise Fight the sleep in your eyes

# I don't wanna miss a second with you

# Let's stay this way forever

# It's only getting better

# If we want it to, yeah!

# You know that I wish that this night would never be over

# There's plenty of time to sleep when we die

# So let's just stay awake until we grow older

# If I had my way we'd never close our eyes

# Our eyes!

# Never!

# Now it's so hard to think this could fade away! No, no!

# But what goes up must come down! Down!

# Why can't we just live life with no consequence? Yeah!

# And always live in the now, yeah!

# Forget about the sunrise Fight the sleep in your eyes

# I don't wanna miss a second with you

# Let's stay this way forever

# It's only getting better

# If we want it to, yeah!

# You know that I wish that this night would never be over

# Would never be over! No, No!

# There's plenty of time to sleep when we die

# Plenty of time to sleep, yeah!

# So let's just stay awake until we grow older!

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, hey!

# If I had my way we'd never close our eyes

# Our eyes!

# Never! Oh, oh, oh! Yeah! #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you!

-CHEERING CONTINUES

-Whoa! Adam Lambert, everybody!

Come on over and join us, do. Beautiful job!

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you.

-So nice.

-Thank you.

-Have a seat.

-Thanks!

-Have a seat there. Well done.

-Whoa!

-Adam, Greg, Miriam, Will.i.am!

-Hi! Cheers!

-It's all very good!

-Aw!

-Thank you, thank you.

-Hi, guys.

-Congratulations to you.

-Thank you.

-That is the new single Never Close Our Eyes off the new album Trespassing.

-Yeah!

The single's out on the 8th of July and then, the album comes out on the 9th of July.

-Is that the facts?

-That is the facts!

-OK.

-Those are the facts, yes.

-It's already been number one

-in the States, hasn't it?

-It went to number one! It's crazy!

-CHEERING

-Congratulations.

-What a brilliant thing to happen!

-It feels amazing.

-Yeah!

I worked my butt off on this thing!

-Yeah!

-It's like, oh, I can breathe again.

-Not like!

-I can breathe!

LAUGHTER

No, you can say like there. It was like something, surely?

LAUGHTER

I don't want to stop you from being yourself. That's very important.

-You've got to be yourself.

-Yeah. WILL.I.AM: And I...

-LAUGHTER

-But you've got to use...

You've got to change!

LAUGHTER

But...you've got to learn to be able to say what you want to say...

-Yeah!

-..without using that word.

-Oh, sorry, darling.

-Yeah!

-I'm sorry.

-That's all right.

-Listen...

-It was a bum rush, I don't know.

Time for stories in the red chair, but just before we do,

I know, Miriam, you have a story, er, is it you in Edinburgh?

-I'm going to Edinburgh with my show and the last time...

-Dickens' Women, all over the world.

-That's right.

The last time I was in Edinburgh...

-I hope this isn't going to offend anybody.

-It's fine, fire ahead.

-I'm going to be offended. I... I might...

-I hope you won't.

-Yeah.

I was walking home late after a show one night.

And I was walking through The Meadows,

which is a kind a field in the middle of Edinburgh.

And I heard a rustling above me...

Almost everything is above me, actually.

-LAUGHTER

-I'm so short.

And I looked up and I saw a young man

masturbating in the tree.

-LAUGHTER

-What, like, on the branches?!

-He had to climb up there?

-He climbed up and I said...

-"What are you doing?"

-LAUGHTER

And he said, "Making it rain!"

-LAUGHTER

-Wow!

Well...

-I felt concerned.

-Yes, of course!

-And said, "What is your occupation?

And he said, "I'm a soldier." And I said, "In the Tattoo?"

-because you know there's an Edinburgh Tattoo.

-Yes.

And he said, "Yes, I am." And I said, "Come down at once."

LAUGHTER

-So he sort of slid down the tree.

-Yes.

-And I said...

"You know you can get into trouble for doing what you're doing?"

Did you do what you did with the painters with him?

-I absolutely did.

-LAUGHTER

You've heard of helping hands, haven't you? You know...

-Yes!

-I helped him out.

LAUGHTER

And he was charming. And I must say, I must say...

-also grateful and, um...

-HUGE LAUGHTER

-Jesus, Miriam!

-And I can't say shit?!

-He was a soldier and he was grateful.

-He was a soldier and you've got to support the troops!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Now...

-The most I'm going to do is a sponsored swim, I'll tell you that now!

What I like about it is, when I go to the red chair,

good luck with anyone having a story to top that!

LAUGHTER

So who's up first? Hello!

Hello, Mr Graham Norton and guests.

Er, yes... Oh, no!

APPLAUSE Where are they located?

Out there somewhere, I think. Why, someone you wanted to meet?

-No, I wanted to tell a story.

-Oh, do you want to do it?

-Tell it, yes!

-CHEERING

OK, OK, quick, quick, quick.

Quick as your life! Hurry, hurry, hurry! Go, go, go!

We're nearly out of time, probably are out of time. Is he there?

Oh, coming in now.

It's Will.i.am, everybody!

-CHEERING

-OK...

And, er, where are you from, Will?

I'm from Los Angeles-shire.

-OK!

-LAUGHTER

And what do you do, Will?

-I live there.

-OK!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Off you go with your story.

Ahem... One time, um, I was, er, trying out for this play

and, um... I was rehearsing in a park.

LAUGHTER

I was... I wanted to take my career to higher levels.

So me and my friend, as we were rehearsing,

he said, "Why don't you go in a tree and scream..."

It was you!

So as I was...

-I think you should pull the lever now.

-..doing my thingy.

-(You can!)

I wanted to get into it, cos it was kind of like a porno play.

GRAHAM LAUGHS Some lady...

-Some drunk lady comes...

-Oh!

APPLAUSE

Well done, everyone! If you'd like to

join us on the show and have a go in that red chair, you can!

Contact us via our website at this very address!

Thanks to all my guests tonight!

-Adam Lambert!

-CHEERING

-Greg Davies!

-CHEERING

-Miriam Margolyes!

-CHEERING

And here he comes, back to the couch, Mr Will.i.am!

HUGE CHEER

Join me next week, same time, I'll see you then, good night, everybody! Bye-bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd