Episode 5 The Graham Norton Show

Tonight on the show, this year's Eurovision hopeful.

Can we have the comments from the Swedish jury? Hello, Stockholm?

Oh! Hello, London!

Thank you for this wonderful show you are giving us.

And can I say, you are looking gorgeous.

And can I say, you're looking repulsive.

Let's start the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello!

Hello, everybody!

Good evening and welcome, one and all!

I know what you're thinking, nul points for acting,

but, ladies and gentlemen, we've got douze points for our guests tonight.

From Twilight and the new Snow White film,

the gorgeous Kristen Stewart is here!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

America's funniest stand-up comedian, Chris Rock is on the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

From Episodes, one of my favourite actors,

Stephen Mangan is on the show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And much excitement, Britain's Eurovision entry,

the musical legend that is Engelbert Humperdinck is here!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, yeah! Hear, hear! The Hump, The Hump, The Hump.

Engelbert Humperdinck.

Surely one of the biggest names we've ever had on the show.

LAUGHTER

Certainly the highest scoring in Scrabble.

Sorry, kids, "Words With Friends". So they understand!

This year's Eurovision is off to Azerbaijan,

in the very heart of Europe, just between Syria and Iran.

LAUGHTER

I've had to have injections! That's not Europe!

Engelbert isn't the oldest performer in this year's Eurovision.

Here's Russia's entry.

LAUGHTER

Ah, there they are! The Last Of The Summer Vodka.

LAUGHTER

I haven't learnt all of their names

but I think the one on the end is Potato Spice.

LAUGHTER

Wait a minute,

if they're singing in Eurovision, who's cleaning my house?

LAUGHTER AND GASPS

I'm worried! It's going to be a great competition this year.

Greece? Really going for it!

They are spending every penny the country has on their band.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

11 euros, ladies and gentlemen. 11 euros.

I've been to Azerbaijan before, actually. I have, yeah.

It's where you land when you fly to Paris with EasyJet.

LAUGHTER

Now, it is a long flight, and I'm just hoping I don't get sat next to

any of those nutters who go every year. You know...

LAUGHTER

Ireland is represented by Jedward, again.

CHEERING

Yes, yes.

I'm sure the Azerbaijanis will greet them with open arms.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wait till they see me!

-Let's get the guests on!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Later on, I'll be getting The Hump. Engelbert Humperdinck will be here!

But first, this is going to be one of my favourite "Episodes", it's Stephen Mangan!

Suited and booted. Hello, sir. How are you? Very nice to see you!

Have a seat, have a seat.

He's the jewel in America's comedy crown, it's Chris Rock!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you, thank you!

-Lovely to see you! Have a seat. Chris Rock, ladies and gentlemen!

And she's a guest I can really sink my teeth into,

it's Kristen Stewart!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, lovely lady! How are you?

Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down.

I need to start that European thing. I always go for one.

Did the kissing confuse you? I'm sorry.

Every time, I just can't get it straight, no matter what.

-It's Europe, we kiss a lot. Keep kissing, you'll offend no-one.

-Awesome.

Obviously there's some Twi-hards here.

SCREAMING

And they spent MINUTES making those signs.

LAUGHTER

You must feel so loved right now!

Oh, come on. LAUGHTER

Are they everywhere you go?

I guess... You can't always necessarily tell.

I have gotten better at spotting them, though.

A few characteristics always give them away.

I see what you mean...

LAUGHTER

But, you have a good rep for spending time with the fans.

On blogs, they say you're really nice to them.

-Well, I really like them.

-Ah!

They give you lots of money. I'd like 'em too!

LAUGHTER

Chris Rock, do you get mobbed on the street?

Yeah, just by the Twilight fans.

LAUGHTER

They just run up and bite me, "Arrrgh! Twilight, bitch!"

What was that about?

You must have a whole new group of kids who love you now.

Kids do love me, and I love them, not in a Michael Jackson way!

LAUGHTER

I know he's dead, but come on!

-It's like that's all been forgotten now.

-Yeah!

No, kids love me, because I'm Marty the Zebra, from Madagascar.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Do you have to just stand there, doing the voice?

I do the voice quite often.

I had to read to my daughter's class, a couple of days ago.

They have this thing called "A Mystery Reader",

and it means every week one parent will read to the class.

And last week I read Curious George Goes To The Hospital.

-A beautiful story.

-Yes, the greatest story of all time(!)

LAUGHTER

Anyway, I read the story and then they were like, "Can you do Marty?

"Can you sing Afro Circus?"

And I'm just like...

SINGS CIRCUS THEME

LAUGHTER

-Anything for my child.

-Aww!

And Stephen Mangan, you get recognised

but some of the recognition sounds really annoying.

-Do you know what I'm talking about?

-I do know, yes, "Dan".

-Yes.

Do you know a show called Alan Partridge, have you heard of that?

Big show over here, Steve Coogan played this DJ.

I thought you were Steve Coogan.

LAUGHTER

Well, you're not the first.

You're not Steve Coogan?! What the hell is he doing here?

LAUGHTER

They told me Steve Coogan was on the show.

-That's the only reason I did it.

-You'll love Stephen, you'll love him.

-OK.

Well, I was cast in this thing

-because I play Steve Coogan's doppelganger.

-OK.

A guy called Dan, and there's a scene in it

where he spots me across a car park and shouts, "Dan!"

In the script it just says, "Dan",

but on the day Steve shouted, "Dan!" about 70 times,

"Dan! Dan! Dan!

"Dan! Dan!"

And it became a bit of a thing,

so every time I go to a shop, not every time, but a lot,

I'll go to the shop and the guy at the checkout... "Dan! Dan!"

And to make it work, you have to do it 15 times.

-So I just stand there.

-You are no Steve Coogan.

LAUGHTER

I mean, you're good, I'm sure you're good.

Oh, dear!

Now, Twi-hards, don't worry, we are talking about Twilight,

-we will be talking about Twilight later.

-Yes!

But first, let's talk about your new movie,

-EMPHATICALLY:

-Snow White And The Huntsman.

-Oh, God! I'm excited now!

-I know.

-"Snow White And The Huntsman!"

I read for one of the dwarfs.

I auditioned for Blacky, little dwarf.

LAUGHTER

Didn't get it.

Obviously we think we know the story of Snow White

but what makes this different? Obviously it's a kind of retelling.

Well, I think everybody thinks they know exactly what will happen.

And I do think...we do a fairly classical telling of the story,

in terms of who she is as a character.

But we live in a much more dangerous world.

Every time you think destiny has your back,

he's going to screw you over.

So she starts off as a stunted child. Crazy, emotionally, socially,

like a freak of nature.

And she becomes Snow White,

-in the face of difficult adversity, you know.

-Yes.

So they're trying to kill you, huh?

Ever been in a movie where people weren't trying to kill you?

LAUGHTER

It's like they need to! "I got to kill her."

We can not let Kristen Stewart live to the end.

The movie, Snow White And The Huntsman,

it's going to be in the cinemas on the 1st of June.

We have a clip, and I think this is you and the huntsman in danger.

I'll say no more. Here we go.

-What is it?

-Shush.

GROWLING

Troll!

Run!

SHE SCREAMS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You could smell that.

It's like an ad for Listerine, isn't it?

That's the Snow White I grew up with!

There's lots of big fight scenes in it, and you do a lot of the fighting.

Didn't you injure Chris Hemsworth?

You know, he needed a bit of roughing up.

But, no disrespect,

you don't look strong enough to have really injured Chris Hemsworth?

-Come on, really?

-It's the movies, man!

I don't want to challenge you to a fight, you'll win, you're fine.

Did you stop production or anything?

I punched him right out of his close-up.

It's funny now, but when it happened, I instantly was like,

"I've just ruined the movie," because I loved this thing,

and I thought that we'd have to stop filming,

I thought he was going to start crying. He did kind of cry.

He spun right out of it.

-Wow.

-He's kind of a dickhead, too.

LAUGHTER

He's like the nicest guy in the world. I was really lucky that I happened to clock Chris.

It couldn't be a better person.

-I've worked with him, just now, he is a dickhead.

-Horrible.

LAUGHTER

Lots of actors, things go wrong on stage,

but you have a list of terrible things that have happened to you.

I don't know how that happens to me.

I did a play where I had to fire a gun,

and a woman in the second row

had audibly gone to sleep about 20 minutes before.

I fired the gun, and I was sort of keeping an eye out for her,

because I thought, "This'll wake her up."

And she woke up, and there's a big pause on stage

and a big pause from her as well, and she gets up and shuffles out.

And you hear her friend saying, "Where are you going?"

She said, "I've shit myself."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The theatre, it's a classy enterprise.

Listen, we've got to talk about Breaking Dawn, Part Two.

Is it finally finished? You've been finishing it for some time.

I've finished it so many times.

I hope we're done now.

It must be like, do you say goodbye to everyone,

it must be like a Cher concert.

Bye-bye! Bye-bye! Bye-bye!

Every time I wrap a Twilight movie, it is like a Cher concert.

That's my ultimate goal in life, actually.

This one, am I right in thinking you are a vampire in this one?

Finally, yeah.

-You finally become a vampire?

-Yeah.

Now, the last Twilight was quite raunchy, was quite out there.

Yeah, it was pretty full on.

But, in this one, is there less... obviously you have a baby now.

Vampire babies, they grow up so fast,

there's a lot of work involved in a vampire baby, I imagine?

Yeah, it's a funny thing.

They... As soon as she becomes a vampire, they kind of ignore their duties,

instantly they just want to bone, it's the most ridiculous equation.

LAUGHTER

"Really, you just had a child? Really?"

But this feels so good, I'm so sparkly.

LAUGHTER

In the book, when she becomes a vampire,

she then becomes even more beautiful.

That's what happens when you die.

Every time I go to a woman's funeral,

I want to have sex with the corpse.

LAUGHTER

It's the make-up.

But Twilight is one of the movies, it took off in a way that

-no-one could have predicted, it was just extraordinary.

-Mm.

You've been in Hollywood...

-I didn't realise that you'd been working as a child actor.

-Mm.

-I didn't know, Kristen, you were the kid in Panic Room.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Look, you're so adorable!

LAUGHTER

For some reason, Jodie Foster looks like Avatar.

LAUGHTER

She doesn't look like Avatar,

but that's a weird picture of her. I don't understand it.

This happens, then the success.

And again, someone was trying to kill you!

LAUGHTER

Because you had been a working actress, getting good roles,

but suddenly you're on a different level.

-You can get a movie

-made.

Do you like that power, or does pressure come with that?

I really like to fight for jobs.

I hate the feeling of suddenly being like, oh, well,

Kristen can have it just because she can.

Do you know what I mean?

I don't know what the hell you're talking about!

Give me the job!

I don't care if everybody's better than me.

LAUGHTER

I want the job.

What, the part's for a Mexican? Yeah?

LAUGHTER

Chris Rock, you have two daughters.

-Yes.

-Are they big fans of Kristen's because of Twilight?

My oldest sneaks and watches it a little bit.

-How old is she?

-She's 10.

She bit me last week.

Are they going to be annoyed that you've met Kristen without them?

You're kind of the window into their heroes.

A little bit.

I took my oldest to a basketball game the other day,

and she met Justin Beiber.

Beiber took off his shades and gave it to her.

-Get out of here!

-They're gasping.

LAUGHTER

She put on the shades and went to school and then she was pregnant.

LAUGHTER I looked at you, I'm thinking, what?!

That Beiber kid's powerful.

LAUGHTER

Stephen, you tweet about your son, is it Harry?

I've got two, but Harry is the eldest, yeah.

What is the thing at the market?

I took him to Camden market, he shouts, "Jews!"

"Jews!"

He says, "There are Jews everywhere".

"Daddy, we've to get a Jew for Mummy."

I said, "What?"

He said, "Jews" and pointed to a jewellery store. Jewels!

For a moment there...

For a moment there you thought your wife was sleeping with Mel Gibson.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

I haven't got my Jew net with me. Wow.

You're not the only one working in the medium of film.

Chris Rock has a film out. Yes, he does.

Yeah, I got a movie.

-I'm excited to see that.

-It's really good.

-I love Two Days In Paris so much.

-This is better.

Really? God, it must be good, then.

I'm loving this, you're doing my job. Keep going.

Ask him about it.

I bite no-one.

It's an unlikely movie for Chris...

I don't know why it's unlikely that Chris Rock is in this movie but it is.

-It's essentially a French film.

-Essentially, yeah.

-It's you and Julie Delpy.

She wrote and directed it.

You star in it together. It's not a sequel but a follow-on.

Yes. It's like the Twilight movies, following the story.

Two Days In New York. So, roughly, what is it about?

Me and Julie Delpy are a couple. We have a couple of kids,

and her parents, my in-laws, are coming in for the week.

And hilarity ensues because they're French

and we think the French are so sophisticated but these French are kind of ghetto French.

It gets kind of funny.

It is really funny, because I really didn't know what to expect. I didn't know...what it would be.

-But it is really funny.

-It's good.

It's like, "This movie doesn't suck!"

No, I just didn't know what to expect and I really enjoyed it.

Julie Delpy, she's easy on the eye?

She's great, she lets me touch her and feel her ass and stuff.

You need that when you're doing a movie with somebody,

to feel like a couple.

Did she write the part for you?

She said she did but I think it was originally written for Queen Latifah.

After Queen Latifah passed, I was next on the list.

Do you get offered many...? Because you're a romantic lead.

Yeah, I don't get offered a lot of romantic leads.

I get quick-talking mailroom guy, cop with, you know...

-Zebras.

-Yeah, zebras. Lot of zebras.

Wasn't there a thing where Miramax called you in? They're posh.

I remember the first time Harvey Weinstein called me.

I'm thinking, it's Harvey Weinstein, the greatest guy, who makes some of the best movies in the world -

The English Patient and The Piano, and whatever.

I get in there and it's like,

"Hey, we got this movie called Rapper Bus.

"You driving a bus with a bunch of rappers." It's like...

I was like, "Where's that English Patient file?"

The movie, Two Days In New York, is opening here on 18th May.

Next Friday.

Next Friday, yes.

We've got a clip and it's you and the family...

-It's pretty self-explanatory.

-OK.

Hey!

What are you doing here? I thought we lost you to Washington.

I'm in town doing a radio interview.

OK, OK.. Justin, I want you to meet my girlfriend, Marion.

Oh, Justin, so nice to finally meet you.

And this is her family - Jeannot,

-Rose...

-Hello.

-..and Rose's boyfriend, Manu.

-I'm Manu.

-Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you too.

Hey, I'm doing my radio show in an hour, why don't you come on air?

I'm catching the 420 to DC.

I meant to call you about Barack's visit to NY.

To have him on my show?

-Slow down there.

-OK!

No, but he's doing a press conference and I think I can get you in.

-Get out of here! No!

-Sweetie, that's so great. This is wonderful.

-Good Obama!

-Thanks.

-He's so good-looking, so much better looking than Sarkozy.

-Sorry!

Not really a socialist, no.

If I may say so, you did a great job in Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle.

That was totally hysterical. So funny.

That's not him. Will you sit down?

-It's funny, it's good. You must be pleased with it.

-Good movie.

In the movie there are scenes where you talk to your good friend,

Barack Obama.

Yes, I talk to a life-size cardboard cut-out of Barack Obama and try to get advice from him.

-You know Barack Obama.

-I kind of do.

-He just came out in favour of the gay marriage thing?

-Maybe I'll marry a guy.

Now that we can.

I'll get a couple of wives.

Because that's so controversial, do you think he did that

because he thinks, "I'm not getting re-elected," or did he do it because he's so confident he's going to be?

I don't know, when you have kids, you can't lie to your kids.

He said, I read today, his kids have friends that have same-sex parents.

Actually, I took my daughter to a party the other day,

two guys, same-sex patients.

He couldn't sit there as the most powerful man in the world

and say these people deserve to be discriminated against

to his little girls.

So, I think, thank the children more than anything.

The children will make you find who you truly are and make you honest.

That's what happened. His kids made him honest.

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

You know, it is a controversial thing to say and the timing's interesting.

It just shows you how screwed up the world is, though,

that a man just goes,

"Hey, I think gay people should be treated like everyone else." Controversy!

What kind of a world is this? It is horrible.

In terms of your daughters and meeting people,

they're still waiting for an invitation to the White House?

Yes, we have not got... I was there not too long ago

but my daughters want me to arrange a play-date with Sasha and Malia

and they're a little older than my daughters, they're like, "Hey!"

They're hanging with the Kardashians.

Probably not.

-I like the way your girls aim high.

-They aim REAL high. Please.

"How can we use this Chris Rock connection?"

We're going to Disneyland, they want Mickey to eat with us.

"Call Mickey up, Dad, see what he's doing for dinner."

Now, are the girls good at school?

-Because you weren't...very good at school, were you?

-They're horrible. No, they're great.

I mean, they're smarter than me

-because I can't help them with their homework any more.

-At ten?

-I dropped out at...

-..at nine.

You know my story at the coal mines.

-Kristen, did you go to school?

-Yeah, of course. What?!

Because you don't seem like you went to school.

-No, because you were on set when...

-Jodie Foster was her teacher!

I started to do home school when I went to high school

but it was miserable through middle school, which was normal.

-You were unhappy like everyone should be, excellent.

-That's right.

So miserably unhappy.

No, I just... I really liked independent study,

I was able to choose everything. I read On The Road in freshman year.

-I wouldn't have been able to do that in public school.

-Now you're in the movie.

-Yeah.

-Yes!

-I'm excited about that.

-Are you filming that yet?

-Yeah, we're finished. We're about to go to Cannes, actually.

-I'm going to Cannes.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-That'll be fun.

-See you next week.

-Cool, man.

-Stephen, are you going to Cannes?

-No.

I'm going to Canning Town.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-In terms of school, you went to a posh school?

-Yeah, boarding school.

-You were a pretty child?

-Well, for about a year maybe.

It was my first big break. My first lead role was in Beauty And The Beast.

Playing Beauty.

There were no girls in school.

I had an auburn wig, a green dress, flawless skin, what can I say?

I looked hot for a nine-year-old boy dressed as a girl.

-There's no way out of that one, is there?

-No.

-I didn't look hot.

One thing that happens to naughty boys in school is, er, they get detention.

-You didn't know where I was going with that, did you?

-No, I was scared for a minute.

"Graham's gone very dark." No, they get detention

and there's a website that collects together the detention slips that kids receive.

The bits they have to bring home to show their parents.

There's lots of reasons. There's some classics of the genre in here.

This one - "Joe's behaviour was inappropriate and unacceptable.

"He started with excessive chair squeaking

"and ended with farting in a student's face."

That's quite an escalation.

I like... I almost want to meet the child who did this next one.

This child, yeah, he was "disrupting class - claiming to be the reborn Jesus

"and hitting another student with a Bible".

Prove it isn't true.

How do you know he wasn't the risen Jesus? Jesus has detention now.

This is a teacher who sent this through. Remember, this is real.

A teacher really did type this letter and gave it to a child to take home to their parents.

"Alex consistently defied me.

"During class, he contradicted me numerous times

"when I insisted the length of one kilometre was greater than one mile."

Go down. "Although he was correct...

"..Alex's actions show a blatant disregard for authority

"and a complete lack of respect for his school.

"In the future, Alex would be better off simply accepting my teachings without resistance.

"Please see to it that your child understands this." Isn't that genius?

-"Regards, Rommel."

-Back to more typical children.

"Drew large penis on white board."

-That's amazing.

-Well done, all the naughty children. Very good.

We've got to hurry up.

Stephen Mangan, I'm about to explain...

Now, you're going to be in awe, IN AWE,

when I tell you, Stephen Mangan, the first episode of the new series of Episodes just finished on BBC Two.

A hungry public have flicked over to BBC One to see you again.

Friday nights are sorted.

Absolutely. I hope you know I love Episodes, I really liked the first series.

And obviously here, it is a comedy,

but in America it's presumably Matt LeBlanc's new sitcom.

Yeah, he's fairly famous.

We had him on recently

-so we know he is the most charming, self-effacing guy.

-In public.

-Oh.

LAUGHTER

He's lovely. Boringly, he is a really nice guy.

To begin with, you weren't sure of him?

You know, a very famous, very rich guy

and you don't know what he's going to be like.

Fame is hard to handle, if you're that famous.

And the first time we read for the part, he came up to me and he said,

"I'll give you advice." I thought, "Great, he knows what he's talking about."

He said, "Don't suck," and walked off.

-So I didn't, obviously.

-No. You got the part.

Now, we have a clip of next week's episode.

Matt at the beginning has slept with your wife

and is now trying to make amends.

I can't believe you let him give you a car.

He told me he was giving you one too.

-I didn't take it!

-No?

-The man destroyed our lives.

I know, but at least we're getting cars out of it. Revenge.

Screw him, I'll take your bloody car.

He's right, screw me, take the car.

It is not revenge if he's giving it to us.

He still has to pay for them.

-Money means nothing to him.

-That's a bit of an exaggeration.

The man has his own jet.

I'm very comfortable.

-Have you seen it?

-I haven't seen it.

-Is it on...?

-Showtime over there, yeah.

-And BBC Two on Fridays here.

The other exciting thing... Be prepared to be amazed.

Stephen Mangan is in a new movie.

AUDIENCE WHOOP

He is playing Postman Pat, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Are you familiar with Postman Pat? No? Explain Postman Pat to the nice people that don't know.

He's a middle-aged mailman with glasses and a ginger mullet.

That's the best way to describe him.

He is a cartoon character, so they're making a movie of Pat.

-And he has a cat called Jess.

-A black and white cat.

He is probably the least sexy character ever written.

I played Adrian Mole and Postman Pat and my wife is, "Who have I married?"

Not James Bond - Postman Pat. But there you go.

-We've got a picture. This is Postman Pat. There he is.

-Sexy.

-Have you started doing the animation yet?

-Yeah, we have.

Is it easy? Hard?

I said, if possible, can we do it at the same time?

You know what it's like recording one half of the conversation.

"What do you mean?" "No." "How dare you say that."

You want to hear the lines of the other guy.

-Can I just say that was excellent?

-Thank you. That's how I do it.

But I've done a bit and then they send it off

and the animators spend four-and-a-half years.

It takes forever.

Chris Rock, you were brutally frank about the art of voicing animation at the Oscars.

Yeah. I hate it when actors say how hard it was,

and how much work went into my character.

When you do animated stuff, here's what happens.

You go in a booth and somebody says, "What do I say?"

They go, "Time to go to the store" then I go, "Time to go to the store."

"Do you want me to say it again? Time to go to the store.

"What else do you want me to say?" "Say, 'It's cold outside.'"

"It's cold outside!" And then they give me 1 million.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Stephen Mangan, you're also heading back on stage.

You're starring in Joe Penhall's Birthday at the Royal Court in June.

-Yes.

-Are you nervous about going back on stage?

Well, it's been a couple of years.

Last thing I did was a play on Broadway for six months.

Tony-nominated.

Didn't win.

Save your applause for when he wins.

-You've done Broadway, a play?

-Yeah, I've made people shit themselves.

Were you joking when you said the thing about learning your lines?

No, I wasn't joking, when you do a play... You've done a play,

you're not good enough yet.

No...

You do a play, every day, they have, you come in, and there's this...

They let you know how many lines you messed up.

It is a little... Right?

You get a little thing what lines you messed up, every day.

And the rest of the cast would have two lines or whatever.

I would have an encyclopaedia.

Like, the whole play. They were like, "You did another play last night."

Did you ever know it?

I got it right probably four times in six months.

Some actors can't learn their lines.

Richard Dreyfuss did a play in the Old Vic,

and he couldn't get the lines in. And it's hard, it's difficult to do.

So he had an earpiece and they were feeding the lines to him as the play was going on.

At one point it looked like he was about to speak.

The girl on the book said, "Hold," and he said, "Hold!" on stage.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's time to meet my final guest.

This man has the hopes and dreams of the entire nation resting on his shoulders.

Please welcome our Eurovision hopeful, Mr Engelbert Humperdinck.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE DROWN OUT SPEECH

You're looking very trim, sir. Is this Eurovision match-ready?

-I lost a few pounds, 16 pounds, worrying.

-How many?

-16 pounds worrying about doing this.

-You're not worried, are you?

Don't forget I'm representing the country

so it is a little bit of weight.

I know, but we don't normally do very well so...

I don't know whether you've heard the song yet.

-You're doing the first TV performance tonight.

-Yeah, this is the first one.

It is a very sweet... It is a beautiful ballad.

Are you worried, because you're singing first,

that it might get lost in a sea of Euro-pop bakalakalaka?

-I'm glad I'm on first...

-I bet you are, yeah.

..because the simple reason is it will be 12:00 when I go on in Baku

and my voice will still be open.

If I waited until 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning, it shuts down a bit,

so my performance might not be that good.

-It's nice - you get on first then you get drunk.

-Yeah.

I have to stay MODERATELY sober until about 4:00 in the morning.

Annoyingly, you're not...

-You were going to be the oldest performer ever at Eurovision.

-That's right, yeah.

-And now those Russian bitches have come along.

-LAUGHTER

Here they are. Now, one of them... Are you 76?

-You look amazing. Can I just say.

-Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Engelbert at 76, one of these is 77.

Now it could be any of them.

I like the dress code, it's nice.

Do they unscrew in half and one fits inside the other?

Is that how it works?

Oh, dear, listen, Engelbert Humperdinck, it's time for music.

So if you want to join your guitarist,

he's waiting for you there.

So, this is it.

Performing our Eurovision entry for 2012, Love Will Set You Free.

It is Mr Engelbert Humperdinck!

# So graceful and pure

# A smile bathed in light

# No matter the distance

# A miracle of sight

# Though I should have known

# I could not turn away

# When faced with your beauty no reason can stay

# As you kiss him in the moonlight

# With heavy words I say

# If you love someone

# Follow your heart

# Cos love comes once if you're lucky enough

# Though I'll miss you forever

# And the hurt will run deep

# Only love can set you free

# Trust in your dreams

# Run with no fear

# And if you should stumble

# Remember I'm near

# As a ghost I will walk

# I'll look deep in my soul

# I might find another

# You gave me that hope

# So as you kiss him in the moonlight

# With heavy words I say

# If you love someone

# Follow your heart

# Cos love comes once if you're lucky enough

# Though I'll miss you forever

# And the hurt will run deep

# Only love can set you free

# And if you love someone

# Follow your heart

# Cos love comes once if you're lucky enough

# Though I'll miss you forever

# The hurt will run deep

# Love will set you free. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Engelbert Humperdinck, everybody.

Fantastic. Come back and join us. Fantastic. Seriously, beautiful job.

Really nice job. Have a quick sit at the end there.

Thank you.

Love Will Set You Free, and so will I in just a moment.

If you want to get behind Engelbert, you can download that single

and buy it as well.

-I hope people get behind you.

-Thank you.

-Beautiful job.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, before we go tonight, time for a story or two in the Red Chair.

-So who's up first? Hello.

-Hi.

-What's your name?

-I'm Claudia.

-Marvellous, where are you from?

-North London.

-Off you go.

So, basically, when I was in my teens

I was like an athletic fanatic, I got to the Barnet Championships.

-These are like THE championships.

-The Barnet Championships(!)

-You guys don't understand.

-This is a big deal.

I finally got there and it is 110 metre hurdles. I'm up next.

I went to do my warm-up, brace myself, bearing in mind the 110 hurdles are warming up.

The hottest guys you've ever seen. I brace myself, look them dead in the eye, let's do this.

One, two, three, jump. One, two, three, jump. One, two, three, 3.5,

hurdle, me, crash, bang.

Basically, I popped my cherry on a hurdle.

I had a bit of a bruised va-jay-jay but, er, things happened.

HE MOUTHS

That isn't where I thought that story was going.

"I popped my cherry on a hurdle."

-I'd hate to be the next guy.

-You jumped really high.

Instead of "Harder, harder," "Hurdle, hurdle!"

-All right, another one. Hello, hi?

-Hi.

-What's your name?

-Alvin.

-Where do you live?

-West London.

-And you do...?

I'm a cytogeneticist at Great Ormond Street Hospital.

What?

What time was it? Was I gone for long?

He could've been anything, I have no idea what that is.

It's not a dinner party.

We could've sent on Batman.

-Your story doesn't involve your job, does it?

-No.

-That's all right.

-Off you go.

-I was on holiday in France with my family when I was 16.

Yeah, yeah.

The tape in my Walkman stopped, the batteries had died.

I went to buy batteries, to six or seven different shops,

no-one sold batteries. Eventually, I went to a bar-cafe,

I didn't think they would but I went in anyway.

I went to the barman, who was cleaning glasses,

and said, "Hi, I'm looking for batteries."

He looked at me, oddly, and said, "Wait, wait."

He went to the back of the bar and came back with a second man,

and the second man said,

IN FRENCH ACCENT: "How may I help you?"

Beautiful. That was, oh yeah.

I said, "I'm looking for batteries."

He said, "Yes, I am Patrice, how may I help you?"

That's a pretty funny story. You can walk.

Well done, everyone on the Red Chair. Very good.

If you want to join us on the show

and have a go in the Red Chair, you contact us via our website.

Thank you so much to my guests.

The lovely Engelbert Humperdinck.

Stephen Mangan.

Chris Rock.

And Kristen Stewart.

Join me next week with music legend Sir Tom Jones,

Take That's Gary Barlow and Hollywood star Will Smith.

I'll see you then. Goodbye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd