Episode 2 The Graham Norton Show

Tonight on the show, a brilliant singer all the way from Canada.

Oh, Canada, the sound of the wind blowing through the maple trees.

AUDIENCE WHISTLES

The Mounties galloping through the Rockies.

AUDIENCE STAMPS FEET

And the lone cry of a rutting moose.

AUDIENCE MEMBER BELLOWS

LAUGHTER

Let's start the show!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Oh, oh!

Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh!

Thank you very much. Good evening and welcome.

What a show we've got for you tonight.

Global singing superstar Michael Buble is here.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Star of stage, screen and musicals

Amanda Holden is on the show, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The hilarious Jack Dee is with us.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very good.

Jack, of course,

recently returned from a trip down the Zambezi river for Comic Relief.

Yes, they had to contend with ferocious rapids, sharks,

man-eating crocodiles. Terrifying.

I believe they call it brown-water rafting.

LAUGHTER

No, nothing? Brown?

LAUGHTER

While they were crossing the crocodile-infested waters,

Jack went missing, and for a while the guide didn't know where he was.

"Mr Dee, your tea's ready!"

LAUGHTER

Great to welcome back Michael Buble.

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

All right. Whoo!

Michael is one of those singers whose fans have a nickname.

Justin Bieber has the Beliebers.

Lady Gaga has Little Monsters.

And Michael Buble has drunk middle-aged housewives.

LAUGHTER

That's you. I'm talking about you, lady!

And what a pleasure to have Amanda Holden back on the show.

APPLAUSE

She, of course, starred in the hit drama series Wild At Heart,

ladies and gentlemen.

I don't know what happened to that cheetah,

but there's Amanda at the end of show party.

LAUGHTER

Amanda recently starred in the West End,

playing Princess Fiona in Shrek.

Oh, there she is and, by the way, that man with the big funny ears -

Prince Charles.

LAUGHTER

Actually Amanda really is a hugely talented actress. Look at this.

Pretending to like Alesha Dixon.

LAUGHTER

It's very good, isn't it?

Now, Britain's Got Talent is back.

There's some controversial acts this year

including Jess, the pole dancer.

If she wins she'll have to do that act at the Royal Variety Show.

Will she get enough phone votes?

Yes, she will!

LAUGHTER

Let's get some guests on!

First of all, give me a D, it's Jack Dee!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'll come and greet you. Hello, sir. Have a seat.

It's a yes from me, it's Amanda Holden!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sophisticated, beautiful. Look at you all sophisticated.

Hello, darling. It's not me, is it?

And I haven't met him yet, but I'm about to. It's Michael Buble! Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Lovely.

Welcome, all. Welcome, all.

Now listen, we mustn't go a moment further without saying

huge congratulations to you.

Michael Buble is going to be a baby daddy! He is!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That is brilliant news. I'm so pleased for you.

Thank you very much.

-I know you're chuffed to bits.

-It worked, the sex worked!

LAUGHTER

She never has to do it again now.

LAUGHTER

I was saying backstage, there was nothing sexy about the sex.

-Oh, come on!

-No. My wife is so beautiful, but it wasn't like that.

She was very like,

"It's nine o'clock on Tuesday night and we must do it now!"

LAUGHTER

I would. That's quite sexy.

I didn't feel like that. I felt I was used to be a little humpy guy.

-And then we have to do the thing, where you...

-Oh, upside down?

"Doctors say pull my legs up in the air."

And she would say, "I have to pee. How long has it been?"

I'd say like, "I don't know, it's been 15 minutes.

"We got five more minutes to go."

She'd say, "You mother... I need to pee."

LAUGHTER

What is that accent?

-When she talks to me, she is from Argentina.

-OK, right.

It's nice. It's sexy.

In Argentina she is the most enormous star.

-She would be like the Jennifer Aniston of Argentina.

-Oh, wow.

When I started with her, I don't think they liked me very much.

I was the ugly fat Canadian boy that came to steal the princess.

No, it's true.

He says that, but look at her. That's who he got.

That dude in the jacket right there is looking and saying,

"How the f... did he get her?"

LAUGHTER

Here is my favourite bit.

If you're sitting at home feeling a bit bloated,

yeah, four months pregnant there!

-She's not?!

-She is, yeah.

I don't think I like her any more.

LAUGHTER

-Are you sure she's pregnant?

-I think so. I just hope it's mine!

LAUGHTER

-She gets around!

-Oh, stop it!

It can be hard to tell when someone's pregnant.

Amanda, didn't you have a thing at auditions with someone?

Blinking Simon, he's absolutely hideous.

When his attention span goes, he plays tricks.

I have to do all kinds of things to keep him entertained.

This woman was coming on and he said to me,

"Darling, she is having a baby, this next contestant."

He could see her in the wings and I went, "Oh, that's brilliant."

I was, "Hello, darling, where are you from? And you're up the duff?"

And she said, "Sorry, what?"

And I thought, oh, she just doesn't understand phraseology.

"You're expecting?"

She said no. Simon was like that - "You're such a bitch!"

LAUGHTER

And she wasn't even a big girl. She was just in a little tent dress.

I was mortified.

You want to check your facts before you say stuff like that to people.

I did it once saying that to a woman saying when is it due?

But once you have said it once and they're not pregnant,

-you will never say that again.

-I've never said it since.

Not even if they have a baby's head coming out of them. Never say it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What about a name? Have you chosen a name yet?

She's killing me.

Juanita. Juanita Buble.

She's Argentinian so we fight about the names

and, like, I don't know.

She thinks that names sound beautiful in Spanish.

Like she will say to me, "You know it's a good name, Dirt. Dirt Buble."

I'll say, "I don't think Dirt means what you think it means."

LAUGHTER

She says, "No, it's beautiful, in Spanish it sounds so good like Dirt!"

LAUGHTER

I read that and just assumed she was saying the Spanish for dirt.

No, just the word "Dirt".

She liked Uciel.

Uciel Buble?

He wouldn't be able to spell that at school.

You've got to think about the playground.

Also the child would sound drunk and social services would come round.

-SLURS:

-Uciel Buble.

LAUGHTER

What's wrong with that child?

A nice name, I think - Graham.

I like Graham. It is a strong name.

No, Grey Buble.

You have to say it in a Spanish accent.

-SPANISH ACCENT:

-Graham!

"Graham, where are you?"

"Time for your chat show, come on!"

LAUGHTER

"Put your little jacket on. Come on, Graham."

Now, listen, very exciting. Little Graham not the only new arrival,

because a new album is out. Is it Monday?

-Lovely link.

-Very good.

-Faultless.

-Thank you.

-Have you got my book in there?

LAUGHTER

There it is. Lovely.

To Be Loved, and there's four original songs.

There's some duets, there's covers. The fans will love this.

-It's not great.

-No?

You're not so keen on it?

It's OK. Honestly, I wouldn't waste your money if I were you!

LAUGHTER

Download that shit illegally, trust me.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-The anti-talk show.

-My record company is back there going...

LAUGHTER

-It's excellent.

-I love it. Thank you.

It is the best thing I've ever made before I made the baby.

AUDIENCE SIGHS

You're trying to be sweet now.

LAUGHTER

Here is the weird thing.

Because you are all loved up, daddy-to-be and everything,

yet this new single you're performing later

is quite anti-romance.

It's a bit anti-love, isn't it?

-Yes, it really is a revenge break-up song.

-Where did that come from?

-Who is it?

-Harry Styles.

LAUGHTER

-You too?

-That son of a bitch broke my heart!

The first thing I wrote was the words

"I don't know why you thought that you could hold me

"when you couldn't get by by yourself,"

and I thought, "This is awesome."

I kept writing these love...

"You're my snoopy-poo. I love you, I miss you, I need you."

I thought, "This is great."

This song is for all of you who are with that guy or that girl

who thought they were all that and left you,

and now that they're gone, you're thinking,

"Bitch, my life is way better without you!"

Why did you have to bring that up again?

LAUGHTER

Can I leave? I'm sorry.

Everyone plays music to their unborn baby.

-Have you been playing the CD or singing live to the bump?

-Oh, God.

I sang live early on. I didn't know. I've never had a baby before.

My wife said to me, "Come to sing, because he will know your voice."

I would come to her belly and I would go and sing, you know...

I sang Pretty Baby.

# Everybody love a baby... #

Oh, can you imagine?

Sing to my Yorkshire pudding that's in there now.

LAUGHTER

In the middle of singing my wife starts to laugh

and I'd say, "Why are you laughing?"

She said, "You're so stupid. The baby is two months.

"They have no ears to hear you!"

LAUGHTER

It's the truth.

That is so my wife.

You said earlier you know how to sex a baby before they're born.

If you have lots of sex, it's normally a girl,

because girl sperms are marathon runners.

Boy sperms are like 100-metre sprints

so if it's a one-off or a one-night stand, or an accident,

it's normally a boy cos it got straight there.

But girl sperms keep going and they're like that. Bye!

Join us next week with Dr Amanda Holden.

I didn't know girls had sperm. I just learned that.

LAUGHTER

I just wondered, because obviously your wife is in Argentina?

She's just finished her movie, yes.

-You can't sing to little Graham now.

-No.

-I'm sticking with this idea.

I just wondered, do we have any pregnant ladies in our audience?

I'll wait for you to put your hand up. I won't go, "Are you?"

-Yes. You have a baby inside you. Anybody else? What's your name?

-Amy.

-And when is the baby going to happen?

-August 31st.

Oh, so close to me.

-Is this first?

-First.

-Do you know boy or girl?

-Girl.

That means she had lots of sex.

LAUGHTER

Your girl could grow up and marry little Graham.

Anybody else?

There's another lady. Hello.

-Who are you?

-Hi. Marta.

-When are you having a baby?

-29th July.

Earlier. I can know the calendar.

-Do you know what's popping out of you?

-I'm having a boy.

-A boy.

-You see, she didn't have much sex.

It was great sex. Oh, my God, it was good and it did the job.

Would either of you like Mr Buble singing to your bump?

-Would you?

-Of course I would do it.

APPLAUSE

-Mr Chang on the piano.

-Is Alan there?

-OK, sure, let's do this. This is nice and romantic.

-This is lovely.

PIANO STARTS

Hello. How are you?

Good, thank you. Fabulous.

# Fairy tales can come true

# It can happen to you

# When you're young at heart. #

That's so lovely.

# Here is the best part

# You have a head start

# If you are among the very...

# Young at...

# Heart. #

APPLAUSE

Thank you so much. That was beautiful.

-What about you? Where are you from?

-Barcelona.

You're from Barcelona!

Hola! Que pasa?

-Todo bien?

-Todo bien.

-Estoy muy feliz porque estoy aqui con ustedes.

-Gracias.

No, no, mi placer.

Cos you are Spanish, I know that it was dirty!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Alan, give me something dirty for the baby.

# My loneliness is killing me

# I must confess I still believe

# When I'm without you I lose my mind

# Give me a sign

# Kick me, baby, one more time! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Michael Buble and the bumps. Well done!

Wouldn't it be weird, when they are crying, you'd be able to put

-Michael Buble CDs on now and keep them quiet?

-How fabulous.

That first lady, is that your husband next to you or your partner?

He was looking at Michael going,

"Yeah, thanks, pal.

"You have just put the bar so high, I can never do this!"

Trust me, I haven't put the bar high, they call me Tiny Bubble.

LAUGHTER

Now, Amanda Holden, it's not all about babies and music, oh, no,

because you have written a book?

-Yes, I'm in the process of writing it now.

-It comes out in September?

-No, I'm still doing it.

-Aren't you supposed to be finished?

It's tortuous. Yeah, I am coming to the end.

-We've proofed and all kinds of things.

-OK. Will this be in?

I might put this in. I'll speak well of Michael.

And his Tiny Bubbles.

LAUGHTER

-I'm not in it yet. Can I be in the index?

-I'm not doing an index.

-Aren't you? Oh, how annoying! We have to read the thing?!

-Exactly.

Simon's book, I've known him ten years and I'm one line in it.

-At least you're in it.

-I didn't buy it. I looked in the index.

What's it called?

I've got so many names because

my Holden just lends itself to so many headlines.

So I was thinking I could call it...

If I had a face-lift, I was thinking it could be Holden Back The Years.

I thought,

actually a genuine name for it was No Holden Back.

-That's good.

-Not bad.

-A tell-all tale.

-Have you written a book?

-I had a book but it wasn't a book.

-I felt I hadn't done enough.

-What did you call it?

-Oh, shit, I don't know what it was called.

-Truth or Honest or Me.

No, cos Buble's a very good name.

-It was basically a picture book with a small biography.

-OK.

I haven't done enough yet.

It was just you looking beautiful at pianos around the world?

That's exactly it. A book full of me going...

LAUGHTER

Have you got one of those, Jack?

A book of me doing pictures like that? Yeah, I have.

-It will be out for Christmas.

-You did have a book.

LAUGHTER

What did you call yours?

I called mine Thanks For Nothing.

That is brilliant.

It's still available at a good charity shop near you.

The last time I saw it was in Carlisle in a charity shop.

It was next to a Wham video.

I think it was 30p.

It was great. I enjoyed writing it.

-It did well.

-There was a nice dedication.

-You dedicated the book, didn't you?

-It's an autobiography.

I put on the front,

"Dedicated to me, without whom none of this would have been possible."

LAUGHTER

I don't mess around. That is what it was for.

If you are not calling it No Holden Back,

are you holding back or are you telling everything in this book?

Er, I'll be telling lots of things that you don't know.

Will it be about you or things like -

"Do you know if you leave cheese out for four days..."

I've got Mandy's Top Tips on the back page.

It will be a book that has stuff in it that will be surprising to hear.

-Yeah.

-Also, I think about my children are going to read it

and I want it to be a legacy for them.

-I don't want it to be a trashy tabloid book.

-Will you trash people?

No, I won't be trashing people but I will tell a few home truths.

I guess what's difficult too is,

because your life involves a divorce,

bits of it aren't just your story.

-You co-own those stories.

-Yes.

So have you talked to Les Dennis about what's going to be in?

-No, cos he didn't talk to me about his.

-OK.

No Holden Back!

LAUGHTER

Weird stories do come up.

Was it around the divorce, when Diana Ross was cited in the divorce?

Oh, my God, this was the most hysterical thing.

When you hit me my leg went like this.

LAUGHTER

That is a gonorrhoea check.

See, I know I'm not Dr Mandy but that is a gonorrhoea check.

-Cross your leg.

-Pardon me?

-Put your leg over that way.

-OK.

This is how you check for gonorrhoea.

If you've got good reflexes, you haven't got gonorrhoea.

Thank God!

This might be a bit iffy.

LAUGHTER

Jack, let's just check you.

LAUGHTER

-I'll be sitting here. By the way, did you get the same designer?

-Yeah.

I thought that was pretty cool.

We go to the same sock tailor.

My best friend is mixed race.

There ought to be a disclaimer.

If you think you've got gonorrhoea that REALLY isn't a test for it.

LAUGHTER

-It is!

-I don't want it going untreated.

"Oh, no, I'm fine."

"Nurse Holden said."

Anyway, back to Diana Ross and your divorce.

When Les and I were married,

my best friend lived with us so she could save up for a mortgage.

She's a beautiful mixed-race actress.

I left the marital home, obviously.

Jane, my best friend, who's still my best friend,

was living in the house.

In the newspaper it said that Les was being comforted by Diana Ross!

It was the best thing we ever read. It was hysterical.

She even replied saying, "I don't know the man, but I feel for him."

LAUGHTER

-The real Diana Ross?

-Yes!

-Oh, how fabulous!

-I know.

This weekend, you are reunited with Simon Cowell,

David Walliams and Alesha Dixon.

-Who I love, by the way.

-Oh, I'm joking. We know you like each other.

It's dull.

LAUGHTER

Britain's Got Talent is back.

Obviously other shows are available. The Voice is very good, I hear.

LAUGHTER

We are one BBC.

-They've changed times now.

-We are up against them this weekend.

-Are you?

-Yeah, and then they changed their slot.

It's stupid, isn't it?

Everyone wants to watch telly. It just means no-one can watch telly.

You have to record one, watch one, so it just dilutes entertainment.

Very good. I'm going to write some of this down.

-Do you watch these shows, Jack?

-I watch them, yeah.

I like The Voice and I like Britain's Got Talent.

I wish The Voice, those chairs, I think the next series

they should be able to drive themselves out of the studio.

-Brilliant.

-Someone would be singing there and realise everyone's left.

LAUGHTER

-Mobility scooters.

-Yeah.

I love those shows. Britain's Got Talent I'm a big fan.

They truly are dramatic.

-It was won by a dog the last series.

-Pudsey.

-He can dance.

-Fabulous.

There he is.

-What I like about him...

-It's incredible a dog can do that.

It looks like he is taking the piss out of people dancing.

LAUGHTER

Anyway, we have a clip of what's in store this season.

-Good.

-This is one of the acts we'll see.

SONG: "The Stripper"

I genuinely don't know what to say to that.

It was like a dream I had the other night.

APPLAUSE

Was that a man or a woman?

Well, you see, you asked if that was a man or a woman.

That's the confusion I have sometimes on that show. You see!

Yes.

A lot of people probably don't know,

-but you had a successful modelling career?

-What?!

-You did!

-Did I?

Yes, lovely pictures we found of you. Here's one.

Oh, my God!

-Is that on the cover of Vogue? Elle?

-You are funny.

-That was for The Grimleys.

-Really?

-Yes!

-For the '70s. I don't go around like that.

-You did then.

-That is hideous.

You do look slightly like you are going to the toilet.

The moose man at the top of the show looked like he was having a purge.

You leave Dave alone. He is a trained actor.

LAUGHTER

He looks like Mini Me, don't you think?

Go like that, Dave. Go like that!

We have a lovely picture of you. This is you looking very sexy.

-Oh, God! That was for The Grimleys!

-Those boots are fabulous.

I do feel maybe you and the photographer were talking,

"That's sexy but maybe not sexy enough."

So here is Amanda going, "Is this sexy enough?"

-I haven't seen these.

-Is this sexy?

LAUGHTER

-That's hot.

-I'm not going to let my children watch this.

-That is fabulous. Is it true that Chris...

-My husband.

..that is his favourite?

He is obsessed with my bottom.

You do encourage him.

Didn't you give him a cast of your bottom, was it for Christmas?

Well, he, honestly,

it's lovely your husband loves you and your bottom.

-That is a lovely thing.

-Yes.

I didn't know what to get him for Christmas,

so I thought I'd get my bum cast.

My friend Angela was pregnant.

She got a pregnant bump cast, which is a nice thing to do.

I thought if you can get that, you could get your bottom done.

Of course, Amanda, yes.

So me and my friend Jane, Diana Ross...

-Full circle.

-Yeah, full circle.

We went online and we found this website

where you can get all manner of things cast.

-I hear you.

-Everything.

-We get you.

-It's hideous.

-Yes, anyway.

So I booked this man. Jane was with me for moral support.

He comes in and asks me to remove my underwear and bend over the desk.

It's not a first!

LAUGHTER

So I was all right with that. Obviously, with my husband.

So literally I was bending over like that.

-You know the stuff when you have broken your arm?

-Plaster.

-Yeah.

He put it all over my bum

and down to my bits of fat under there which I hate.

I wear Spanx.

Then he got out a spatula, Graham,

and he defined my crack with a spatula.

LAUGHTER

And then he said, "You have to stay in this position now."

I had to make polite conversation with this tall man for 40 minutes

while this cast set on my arse.

-The worse thing is having to peel it off.

-Ooh!

I mean, I do wax.

But it was painful, let me say.

He peels this. You've got this bum.

I've got it. It's good.

We don't tell anyone it's my bum.

Everyone knows now.

It just looks like a piece of art.

Now, as a mother of two, seven years later, I just look at it and weep,

because it was slightly lifted and higher before.

-I'm trying to get the logistics of the thing.

-Yes. It was like that.

-You know what I'm about to say?

-Go ahead.

-You know what I'm saying?

-I'm worried.

-Oh, no, there's nothing...

That's what I was going to say.

LAUGHTER

He's not fond of that bit. Just that bit.

LAUGHTER

We've learnt too much now, haven't we?

I've totally killed the magic.

No Holden Back!

-We don't have your bot-cast.

-No, cos it's in the Cotswolds.

It's being used as a bike park.

My unicycle is currently in it.

-We offered someone in the audience the chance to do this.

-You didn't.

-We did.

-Oh, my God.

A man called Darren said yes.

Where is Darren?

-Darren, how brave is that?

-Oh, Darren.

-Darren is very brave.

Here's Darren coming into the room.

You must have been scared, Darren,

because it looks like they are preparing to remove your kidneys.

They have so much plastic all around this room. So there you are.

This is... I think you'll be all right. This isn't too revealing.

You look happy enough there.

LAUGHTER

Why did you take everything off?

Why did you take everything off?

Even your socks are off.

I did ask to leave them on.

Here he is. I think maybe that's the spatula moment.

-Defining the crack.

-Or putting in air holes.

Solid work there.

-Sorry, Graham, why would he be putting in air holes?

-I don't know!

LAUGHTER

I love this because even the sculptor looks appalled here.

Did you fart at that moment?

LAUGHTER

-He looks a bit like a vet, doesn't he?

-Yes!

I was going to say. It looks like All Creatures Great And Small.

"Tristan, I've lost my watch!"

LAUGHTER

What website did you get these from?

-So we've got it. Have you seen it yet?

-No.

You will be thrilled.

It's something you will treasure for the rest of your life.

Here we go. It is lovely, look.

It's lovely.

You were obviously standing at a slightly jaunty angle.

LAUGHTER

It's cold, like a real bum.

You could keep your £5 notes in there.

-What do you do, hang it on the wall?

-You can use it as a toast rack.

LAUGHTER

Would you mind kissing it so he can keep it for ever? Go on.

I don't very often kiss people's arses.

Just to the side, I would say. Yeah. There.

Aww!

-Do you want to kiss it, Michael Buble?

-Not so much.

LAUGHTER

There you go, Darren. Lovely.

It's yours.

Enjoy that.

APPLAUSE

I'm not sure how we follow that,

but I'm going to talk to Jack Dee about his new tour.

Yeah, speaking of arses.

-I'm sorry, Jack.

-Nice, nice move.

-You haven't been on tour, is it six years?

-Six years.

I was doing other stuff. I was doing Lead Balloon for a few years.

I just wanted to get back and spend less time with my family.

LAUGHTER

And I started to tour, so I've been doing that for a whole year

and I'm doing gigs in the spring here and Australia as well.

You're going to Australia and New Zealand?

Yeah, once you start, you get the taste for being away.

-You like to go really far, far away.

-You realise I really like this.

Relationships from a distance are far easier, I'm sure you'll agree.

Just "Miss you too"... Send. It's done.

LAUGHTER

"The boiler's packed up. There's no hot water."

"Hot water in hotel fine"... Send.

It is a stress-free existence and I like it.

-When little Graham arrives, will he come on tour?

-Call him Gray-Gray.

-Gray-Gray.

-Yes.

-Little G.

-Little G Buble.

-Aww!

When he arrives, will you take him on tour?

Yeah, of course I'm going to take him on tour.

People would love when you bring baby out on stage.

-Yeah, the crowd-surfing.

-He'll fit in your hand luggage.

LAUGHTER

I can't wait. That's the thing I can't wait for most.

A few of the boys in my band have kids

and I can't wait to have a room set up and it's like a tent in the rain.

There's something so sweet about getting to do what I love

with 20,000 people and then show up backstage and be with the kids.

Reality, yeah, it's brilliant.

That's where we differ!

LAUGHTER

But six years of a gap, is it a new Jack on tour?

Are you happy Jack now?

It's, um...

LAUGHTER

I think the face says it all really.

I was very inspired by the opening ceremony of the Olympics last year

so I want the show to be a bit like that.

LAUGHTER

I felt we had a magical time last year, everyone enjoyed it,

and I thought, we need to continue this feeling.

That's why I'm on tour

and that's pretty much what it's been about so far.

-We'd be proud to have you represent Britain worldwide.

-Yes.

I'm out there so it's good.

-But people behave and it is fairly nice gigs.

-Starts in Melbourne?

I have been on tour so far, and Melbourne is my next gig next week,

so I'm looking forward to that.

I want to put paid to that image the British have of being whingeing poms.

LAUGHTER

I want to go down there and show them there is more to us than that.

LAUGHTER

I'm looking forward to it.

Listen, I know you want to mention your date at the Hammersmith Apollo.

You're there on the 11th and 12th May.

Yeah, I am. I'm looking forward to that. It's a big one to do.

I've played there a lot of times.

It's been one of the nicest gigs I've done

so I'm looking forward to that.

All right, and we've got a clip, a taste of you in action.

When they asked me to do this show,

I said, "If there is anything I can do to spread the cheer..."

LAUGHTER

This time last year there was a big row in my household.

We had the Grand Theft Auto row with my teenage sons.

"Oh, why can't I have Grand Theft Auto?"

Because it's inappropriate. It's horrible, violent, misogynist.

"Please, you'll ruin Christmas if I can't have it."

I am not buying you that game for Christmas. It's a violent game.

It is not fun when you run people over for extra points

and shoot people just for fun.

"But all my mates have got it, you don't understand."

It went on and on and on.

In the end they gave up and bought it for me.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Did you get it?

-I did get it, yeah.

Well, Amanda was in the audience there.

-Thank God I was laughing.

-Yeah, cos that could have been awkward.

Michael's all very excited little Graham is on his way.

As a father of four, before your kids,

what do you wish someone had told you?

I honestly wish somebody had told me

all the wondrous things I am going to experience.

LAUGHTER

The greatest gift of your life, Michael. It really is. It's a ride.

You're going to have a great time.

I wish someone had told me how expensive it is.

And how they grow out of their clothes so quickly.

It's unbelievable. You know what, with your money,

there is a shop here called Start-rite where they get shoes.

If I was doing it again I'd start a shop called Start Wrong.

Get the kids used to uncomfortable shoes from the first moment,

cos then they don't complain every time they grow out of their shoes.

I've got a son now, he's 15, he's taller than me

and I buy him new shoes every month, practically.

He didn't understand why there was a brief period

when I bought him the most expensive trainers in the shop.

That was only because I knew after a month I'd get them.

LAUGHTER

So I'm going round in blingy trainers but that is it.

No, it's great. It's great.

LAUGHTER

It doesn't get much better than that.

You've learned a lot about parenthood tonight, haven't you?

-It's all good.

-All good. Hey, listen, it is time for music.

Pregnant ladies prepare!

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

Michael is going to sing for us.

Michael, if you want to head over there. There he goes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

In a moment we'll have this week's stories from the famous red chair,

but first, performing his new single, It's A Beautiful Day,

it is Mr Michael Buble!

APPLAUSE

# I don't know why you think that you could hook me

# When you couldn't get by by yourself

# And I don't know who would ever want to tear

# The seam of someone's dream

# Baby, it's fine, you said that we should just be friends

# Well, I came up with that line and I'm sure

# That it's for the best but if you ever change your mind

# Don't hold your breath

# Cos you may not believe

# That, baby, I'm relieved

# When you said goodbye, my whole world shines

# Hey, hey, it's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling

# If I'm drinking, then I'm buying

# And I know there's no denying

# It's a beautiful day, the sun is up

# The music's playing and even if it started raining

# You won't hear this boy complaining

# I'm glad that you're the one who got away

# It's a beautiful day

# It's my turn to fly, so, girls, get in line cos I'm easy

# No playing this guy like a fool

# Now I'm all right

# You might've had me caged before, but not tonight

# Cos you may not believe

# That, baby, I'm relieved

# This fire inside, it burns too bright

# I don't want to stay too long

# I just want to say goodbye

# It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling

# If I'm drinking, then I'm buying

# And I know there's no denying

# It's a beautiful day, the sun is up

# The music's playing and even if it started raining

# You wouldn't hear this boy complaining

# Cos I'm glad that you're the one who got away

# Cos if you ever think I'll take up

# My time with thinking about our break-up

# Then, you've got another thing coming your way

# Cos it's a beautiful day

# Beautiful day

# Oh, baby, any day that you're gone away

# It's a beautiful day. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Michael Buble, everybody!

Come back and join us. Beautiful.

-Stop it, it was lovely.

-Thank you.

Come down here and sit yourself down.

-It was great.

-Oh, God, that song hurts.

-You all right?

-I'm hurting, man.

-Wow.

You know, I think I have been in...

..14, 13, 12 countries.

You sounded jet-lagged when you were singing.

LAUGHTER

We were all saying, "Very jet-lagged."

-Hey, it sounded beautiful.

-Thanks.

-Fantastic.

-You shut up!

The whole album is out on Monday.

Right, before we go tonight, just time for a story in the red chair.

-Who have we got? Hello.

-Hiya.

-Hello, you delicate flower.

-How are you?

-I'm good. What's your name?

-My name's Alex.

-Where are you from?

-Australia.

-I know that person.

-You're kidding? Do you know Michael Buble?

-That's my story actually.

-Oh, we kind of know it now.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-She shot her load.

-I was just kidding, who is that?

-Oh, no! Do you not know her?

-No.

-Oh, now I feel bad.

-Not me!

LAUGHTER

-You know her!

-I know her.

She's not having a baby as well, is she?

LAUGHTER

Vancouver maternity ward.

-Who's up next? Hello.

-Hello.

-Hi.

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

-They love you. This is going to go well. What's your name.

-It's Anna.

-Anna, lovely Anna. Where are you from?

-I'm from north London.

-Lovely.

-What do you do?

-I work in a theatre.

-What do you do?

-Theatre production.

Oh, right, what do you do?

LAUGHTER

Taking care of the backstage bits of theatre.

-OK. You're head of production?

-Not quite.

-She is open for that.

What are you working on at the moment?

A few things. We have an opera going on.

-We've got a 24-hour show coming up.

-Oh, yes.

-You should come along and see the show.

-Hmm.

LAUGHTER

That's a resounding yes from everyone.

Off you go with your story.

I went to a South American-themed restaurant, I was really hungry

and I thought, I'll have a starter and a main. I'll treat myself.

-Go mad!

-Yeah.

I wanted quite a big portion, but I wasn't sure how big the sizes were.

I thought I'll ask the waitress cos she'll know.

-I quite fancied the potato skins. Stodge.

-Delicious.

She came up to me and I said to her,

"The potato skin, do they come with two skins or four skins?"

LAUGHTER

You're through to the next round!

-Will we let her walk?

-Yeah!

APPLAUSE

You can walk. Well done.

If you'd like to join us on the show and have a go on the red chair

contact us via our website at this very address.

Thank you to my guests tonight. Mr Jack Dee!

APPLAUSE

The lovely Amanda Holden!

APPLAUSE

And Mr Michael Buble!

APPLAUSE

Join me next week with music from Hurts, Not Going Out star

Lee Mack, and Oscar-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow will be here.

I'll see you then. Goodnight. Bye-bye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd