Episode 9 The Graham Norton Show

is he going to say, let's start the show?

APPLAUSE Hello. Hello.

Hello everyone. What a nice welcome. Thank you very much. Thank you very

much. And in return I can tell you we have got a real treat. On the

show, the global superstar that is Jennifer Lopez, ladies and

gentlemen. Right here, on this show. Wait

there. Cricket legend and star of A League of Their Own, Freddie

Flintoff is here. Comedian, actor, funny man David

Mitchell is on the show. Plus the stars of Once are here.

Honestly, I really love this musical. I don't know if you have

seen it, but it is wonderful. It is a beautiful story about a busker who

falls in love. It is based on a true story because buskers are such

romantic figure, aren't they? He has a smart hat! It is welcome back to

David Mitchell. I will be talking to him about the

big changes in his life not least his impressive new beard. Check that

out. It is all the rage. Even Cliff Richard has been seen out with Annan

unlikely beard. I say! A big welcome to the show to Freddie Flintoff yes.

APPLAUSE. Now, Freddie does have a reputation

as a drinker, but when he was little, oh, such a lovely baby.

Really was! Hey. Cricket, what an exciting

sport, ladies and gentlemen. Do you know, I was watching when England

played New Zealand and the crowd, on the edge of their seats!

LAUGHTER The back edge of their seats.

I am delighted to welcome back to the show, the wonderful Jennifer

Lopez. I know. APPLAUSE.

No-one the world over as J-Lo. Ja. Low. That sort of nickname works for

an American, doesn't it. But when it is in Britain not so cool. Like we

get Bo-Jo. Su-Bo. And Oh-My-God-No.

Jennifer is such a fashion icon. This is probably her most famous

outfit. Yes. Bright green with daring

plunging neckline. Where have I seen that before?

Let us get some guests on. Later we will have music from the stars of

Once. But first it is David Mitchell.

Come this way. Hello Sir. Very welcome. Have a seat.

It is Freddie Flintoff Wow! Hello, Sir. Very nice to see

you. Have a seat. There is Freddie, and now, it is time to say H to the

L to the O, to J-Lo. APPLAUSE

Good to see you again. I am pleased you are all here, but I

am especially pleased to have you. There is something about you, there

is something about you, David, Freddie, lovely. You are good at

what you do, I could see you walking down the street. You couldn't be sat

in the audience. People would said why is there an international

superstar. I do just walk down the street. People are going there is an

international superstar! Now, general fer, you know what cricket

is. Cricket. It is like. Is that the one with the things on the floor?

No, that is croquet, we don't have an international croquet star.

don't know. We could have. cancelled. No, cricket, it is like,

in, Jenny on the block, you are playing, what is that? Baseball?

That was stick ball. Stick ball. That is a bit like cricket. It is

hard to explain. It is probably closest sport in America is

baseball. It lasts five day, we break every now and again for food,

and we spend a lot of time rubbing our balls on our trousers.

What! He is not even joking. It is like baseball, I have never

seen a cricket match, so I don't know. There is a ball and you are

trying to hit it. Andown bases.In between wickets. On a pitch.

LAUGHTER LAUGHTER.

Go back and forward. Like basketball. Yes, like a cross

between the two. Got it. Keep talking to me, I will

go, yes. It is a hard sell.It is. Of course you are not the only sex

object on the Couch, is she David? Freddie Flintoff is also...

LAUGHTER Very hot! . You are silly.That is

mean. That was mean and stupid. Look at him. This is you boxing. Hello.

You look like a waxwork there. a strange thing, you go for a weigh

in and you turn up in a room full of men in your pants. I got there and

we were chatting away, this fella is from America, he had been sent down

from GBH. He had been shot four times, he was a debt collector, he

said "What about you Fred? " I said I used to play cricket. We used to

stop for sandwiches. He must have been humiliated when you won. Do you

think you will do it again? No, I ripped my shoulder. It is the

ultimate get out, isn't it. I feel like you are going to get injured on

that Couch. You injure yourself a lot. Trust me, to have surgery

playing cricket, stood in a field, is an effort.

I tease you David, but you do have a sort of online fan base of ladies.

wouldn't call it a fan base, but I have been on television, and someone

on the internet said they fancied me. It is inevitable. If you are on

telly, there will be someone. There will be eight billion people in the

world, someone fancies everything. It is just, it is just thanks to

technology I am able to receive a message from a strainer who doesn't

find my disgusting, or does, but LAUGHTER.

Jennifer, you are very busy at the moment. Yes.You have finished a

world tour. A new single out. Business ventures, and on top of

that you are doing a full-time job, you have twin, five-year-old twins.

Yes. I do. They are very cute. Max and Emmy. Yes.I have heard you

talking about even at five, you can see the real difference between a

boy and girl. Oh my God, from when they were very small, I could see

it. I understood men and women more, I realise that men really do think

differently than women, from the onset. From the go. It is just like,

I am sorry. LAUGHTER

Do you need an operation? APPLAUSE

. I talk with my hands, I'm sorry. Yes there is a different way of

thinking, so they are both learning how to walk. My son is like, starts

two weeks before my daughter. I remember it very clearly. And he

kind of just starts to go down the stairs. Down the stairs. Does it

every day for two weeks. My daughter is like, two weeks, toe, back. You

know. Two, foot, back and two weeks later she walks down the stair, so I

broke it down to which, I don't know, sometimes sounds good,

sometimes doesn't, that women think or tend to overthink and men do not

think. At all. And they both have pros and

cons. Both have pros and cons because I

think women tend to overthink, so you forgive guys a bit. So that is

nice. Yes, it teaches you.Freddie, you have three kids. A daughter who

is eight. And the boys are seven and five. And very different. Rocky, I

didn't expect a Justin Bieber fan. What the hell did you expect?

are different. He is into singing and dancing, he got a drum kit for

his birthday. I went to see Justin Bieber in concert. We got a meet and

greet. It was bizarre. This big American fella give us a briefing.

He said you can't touch him. Don't kiss him. I said mate, I've been to

Buckingham Palace. This is a 18-year-old lad. But what did you do

at Buckingham Palace. Did you try to get off with the Queen? He is a big

kisser. Do they remember you playing cricket? I hope not.You were good!

The boys they have no idea. I take them to school. All the other

parents have suits on. I go home and watch the History Channel Storage

Wars. It is an amazing programme. They think I used to work for

Morrison's supermarket, because I did an advert. They go in expecting

this. Or a fashion designer. It is fun with the kids. David, you have a

brother, but you were an only child for a long time. Yes, he is eight

years gunger, so I was very much defined as a human before my parents

said I was going to be lucky enough to have a younger brother or sister,

at which point I was very sceptical as whether this was a good thing, I

must say. How did they break it to you?you? . It was good news, like,

and I must say, love my brother very much, we get on very well, but when

you are seven or eight, they said, they said to me, OK, you know how

you like having friend round to play, and that is a nice thing, you

will have a brother or sister to play with all the time. And

immediately this just didn't work mathematically. Because, when you

are seven, you are not interested in playing with six-year-olds or

five-year-olds, never mind nought-year-olds, in some months'

time, the creature who could not yet speak would arrive and they would be

useless as pretending to be Doctor Who. So I sort, I proposed that the

whole thing be called off. Apparently that wasn't possible.

When you have kids, you don't expect Google. When they get up to the age

where they Google my name I have some explaining to do. It is going

to be a tricky time. You will hear some of those stories later. I won't

spoil them for you now. They are good. The last time you were here,

was as an actress, now on your as a pop star. I have different moments.

Yes, and the new single, that is released, it is out, 26th May. And

there is an album. It is not down yet, probably November. I am still

working on it. Your boyfriend, he choreographed the video. Yes.It is

awkward when it is your boyfriend teaching you a routine, saying not

like that? No, we collaborate on it. They show me something and I am like

I like that, let's change this, do that, it is about, I think at the

end of the day they want me to feel comfortable. You want people to tell

you, you don't look good doing that. This is really good on you, we are

going to change this step, whatever. We are going to watch a bit. Listen

to it and everything. It is in # I'm in the spotlight all night,

ready to go. # We can do anything we want.

# Make love, don't fight. I loved it, the disco whistle.

said that on the radio today, a disco whistle! If people missed the

tour, there are more chances to see you live. Tomorrow night you are in

Twickenham for the time for change. If people can't get to that, that is

also on BBC One tomorrow night at 10:50pm. You look doubtful. That's

Saturday, actually. Yes, which is tomorrow. Oh, you don't go on air

the same night! It's time travelling. But then in July, you

are in Hyde Park. I am.Is that just a Jennifer Lopez con cert? No, I'm

with Lionel Richie. It's a festival that happens in Hyde Park in the

summer. I'm excited about it, I'm doing more of a full show there.

Finish on time, that's my only tip to you. They shut you down? I follow

the rules pretty much. Freddie Flintoff, this, I'm told, this is a

very big summer for cricket, but I would have thought every summer was

big for cricket, so what makes this summer bigger? With the Ashes this

summer. In our sport it's probably the biggest prize to beat Australia.

So it's the big match? If this match between Australia and England.

the World Series in baseball. it. You try your nuts off and then

the trophy is about this big. It's an urn with the Ashes in. You don't

have it? No, they wouldn't trust it with me. It's the Ashes of what?The

first time they were played between England and Australia, they have the

three stumps in the grass and you've got to knock them over to get

someone out. On top stand these little things called Bales. She's

listening to this! The first time they played together, they burned

them and put them in a little urn. I'd love to make up something more

elaborate. And that's what you pay for? Yes. It's effectively an

ashtray. Not enough sports news be incinerated remains of a tiny piece

of sports equipment as their trophy. It's surprising, in football it

could be an old, knackered boot. There's too much money in sport and

not enough wrecked gear. The other thing is, what strikes me is this is

the first time the Ashes have been in Britain since you played, so it's

the first time you will be watching. Having played it for 16 years...

left school at 16, turned professional and retired at 31. It's

a long time to be a professional. It's a long career. Are you glad

it's over or will you miss it? still miss it. It's what I wanted to

do from being a child. But it's changed a lot. When I first started

it wasn't particularly professional in the mid-90s, there was no real

training, it was very much a social sport, you'd have a pint with the

opposition afterwards and then you'd have about nine more! Now these guys

have become proper athletes. They've got ripped bodies, not like the big

beer bellies we used to have. I love my time, I wouldn't swap it to play

now, but I thought I'd have a bit more left in me. Because it's a team

sport, even more than playing, that's the bit you miss, just

hanging out. The dressing room was amazing. In cricket you sit there

some days for five hours and don't do anything. You watch TV and catch

up on Coronation Street Omnibus. Off you go and have a bat. There's

always things going on. It's a place where adults behave like kids and

then you go home to the real world afterwards. Were you a young

player... Were you not wearing a box or something? A box is like a cup.

jockstrap? It's protective.Guerre. I know exactly what you are talking

about. One of my first games for Lancashire, I was a young

professional, I was playing and about the second ball I got hit in

the box. But these things... Technical advances... Did it protect

you? The technical advances are good but the box has remained the same. I

got hit in it. What should have been inside was dangling through the

holes. It wasn't pretty. I went inside and the coach at the time

gave me a pint of iced water to dangle them in. I was sat there. I

put it down and one of the lads came in. He'd been doing some training.

He was a bit thirsty, a bit parched. He said, is that your water? I said,

yes. I handed it to him and he refreshed himself. Disgusting!

comment as to the flavour? There's just something about this water,

it's infused with energy. isotonic. The other thing, obviously

you have this amazing sporting legacy, the awards, the Ashes, it's

an amazing career, a really long sports career. And yet I feel a lot

of your legacy, I don't mean this badly, we'll sort of the associated

with liking the drink. I'm not judging in any way. I spend most

nights in a dog bed - I'm not even joking! But you really did like

hitting the bottle. Yes. There were certain times to do it, which I

didn't usually find. 2005, the day after you win the Ashes. This is

unbelievable. Was there no one in charge, no 1's saying, actually, we

are going to Downing Street, we really must stop drinking? Well, no.

We'd finished this game against Australia, these Ashes, after, you

have a drink with the opposition. We were having a drink in the dressing

room. We went back to the hotel. A lot of the lads went into London in

the West End. I had mates, so I just stayed in the hotel bar with them.

It was 8:30 a.m. . The manager came down and said... There are big bits

of this story missing! For me as well! I went back to my room and my

wife was there. She was slightly concerned. She put me in a bath. I

thought, this is all right, isn't it? She put me in a blazer and tie

and put me on a bus. I thought I was going to school or something! We got

on this bus and went through the streets of London, hundreds and

thousands of people. I thought the sales were on at Selfridge's. We

went to Ten Downing Street. We've got a picture of you arriving at Ten

That was me on the left. We can almost smell you from here.

worst thing about it, we went to Lord's after that and I conked out

on the bus, fell asleep. A lot of the lads were getting things signed,

so there were marker pens on the bus. I was getting off and one of my

best mates, Steve Palmerston, when we were getting off the bus he put

his blazer over my head to shield me from photographers. It was like

Michael Jackson or something. I got back to my room and looked in the

mirror. I started wiping the mirror. On my head he had written can't,

spent differently across my forehead, and twit across my nose.

It was this picture that was in the it true the thing about you talking

to Cherie Blair? I asked whether toilet was. I had a wander round the

house, its massive inside. I thought it was a terrorist but it's huge! I

got kicked out of the Cabinet room. I was sat at the head of the table

pretending I was Prime Minister. I had my feet on the table. What about

you, Home Secretary? Then the guard came and said, I'm afraid you've had

your fun. Amazing! I must mention League Of Their Own, it's back in

the summer. We filmed a new series. It's not like doing a TV show, you

just sat with your mates, Jack Whitehall is sat next to me. We turn

up, we have a wine club and do the show. He's much better behaved now

with his wine club. We look forward to that series. Here's hoping

England can keep the Ashes without you. Yes, they'll be fine.Other

exciting news, David Mitchell, he's written a book. It used to be in

this really awkward hardcover and it was really quite expensive and heavy

to carry. So they brought out is lighter, paperback version. Isn't it

good? It's a breakthrough for the medium. Walking is the basis of the

book, because you go and walk and see things and they remind you of

bits of your life and you tell your story that way. Presumably when you

walk around you just get stopped all the time. I'm largely on Channel 4.

It's not what it was. I do get stopped the bit but... When you are

walking around briskly, and it's important to walk briskly, not that

many people take notice of you, but occasionally people do spot me from

the television. Usually they say nice things. It doesn't matter what

they say, I'm too socially awkward to enjoy it. Every encounter I go

into feeling, this is odd. Other people are watching, I'm annoying.

People who haven't noticed me, I'm not coming across as genuine, I'm

overthinking this. It's very much a feminine trait. I definitely think

it through, and then afterwards I think, oh, I wish I was a nicer

person. They were all disappointed. They thought I might be nicer. Now

they think he is at best awkward and at worst unpleasant. In the book,

you talk about how you get too familiar faces early on, when you

meet Robert Webb and Olivia Colman. She is suddenly skyrocketing. She

was on the show a couple of weeks ago. I so wish I'd read this book

before she'd been on. I love the story, you were in a play with her.

Was it in school? When we'd just left university we were doing a tour

going around schools. There were just four of us in it. We'd been

doing it for months. We'd lost respect for the art. It's the worst

thing you can do as an actor. We would giggle a lot in the show quite

often, particularly as you'd go to a school... We went to quite posh

schools sometimes whether pupils are extremely obedient but, as far as

you could tell, brain-dead. Marshalled in, sit there miserably

through the whole production and be marshalled out. You weren't even

sure if they were still alive, while trying to perform the supposedly

funny play. In the absence of any laughter from the audience, we

started to provide it ourselves and become increasingly hysterical.

There was one moment that was a particular problem that would make

us all laugh uncontrollably. I would, on stage as a new character

wearing a bowtie. This is a bowtie which I had to tie in the wings in

the dark without a mirror. So I had no real sense of what it looked

like. Everyone on stage would be bracing themselves for how stupid

this bowtie would look. It seems like quite a small thing but if you

are incredibly bored of doing a play time after time, all you can think

about is, I wonder what David's bowtie will look like today.

Whatever it was like it was hilarious. If it was a bit skew

whiff, it was hilarious, a bit misshapen, that was hilarious. If it

was fine, that was even more hilarious. On one particularly

dismal performance at a school would particularly brain-dead children, I

came on stage with the bowtie... I never saw what it was like myself,

Olivia laughed hysterically. Literally opened her bladder.

Never have I seen anyone do that live, and there is a lot more kiss

in a human than you would expect. Really. There is really loads. Did

the kids react? react? . Far as I can remember, they didn't. . They

not notice? I did. I noticed the point when it started to overflow

her shoes. At that point I realised the stage

was slanted. They didn't notice at all. David has written a book of his

life. Jennifer, I, I mean, you know I knew you had perfume, and they

were worth millions of dollars. . done good with the perfumes. Are you

on Forbes Most Powerful List? You are number one for the celebrity

thing? Last year I was.Which is, that is an achievement It was

awesome. I didn't expect it. kind of should. The acting, the

singing, the perfume. On top of that you can get Jennifer Lopez bed

Abraham Lincolnen, sleep wear, handbag, are you always looking for

a new idea. Say you are? OK...Can I take you to a website

patentlysilly.com. These are real things, people are trying to invent

new things and they lodge patents for the ideas. David you have done

voice overs. I have.If I could give you these to read out. These are,

little pitches, and we will give you some selling music. Number five down

there. These are real people, really thought they could sell them. .

you enjoy playing golf but find your lack of arms is a drawback? Then you

need this telescopic putter mounted to headband. Now, I might understand

this, if he didn't have arms. Right. I see the arms there. He is not even

holding a drink. You play golf don't you? I would buy that.

There is no use for that? I don't think so. I get roped in those

late-night things where they say get your abs here. I am on form, "Go on

then." I have bought loads of scrap in my time. Candown what Freddie is

saying? Sometimes. I feel like I am really hanging in there. It is a

nice noise, isn't it. It is good!It is like a cat purring beside you.

Let us have the next one. Still using an old fashioned toothbrush?

Try a more industrial solution, with this high pressure water spray

device, for cleaning teeth. You are going to drown. . I feel

like I have one of those. No! The spray thing? Do you have to plum it

in? If there is water coming out, there would have to be a hose

attached to the bottom of it? a canister and you fill it up and

you like, and it... It sprays the water. You are the most powerful

businesswoman in the world? The next one, you are a mother, do you mind

doing the voice over for the next one. Sure.Just some music. Is your

baby happy and well adjusted? Change all that in an instant with this

eye-catching and fun baby bottle accessory.

This is every shade of wrong. There will be therapists in the

supermarket saying, are you buying that? Take my number. Someone has

drawn this diagram, the bear is wearing a label saying "God loves

me." That is creepy. God loves me, no-one else does.

And our final one. Guy, want to make love but can't get in the mood? Try

this device for treating erectile dysfunction.

LAUGHTER Don't come in yet! Just a minute!

That is a very good product. Well done, all the silly things.

Before we welcome back the big red chair for tonight, it is time for

music. This is a special treat. Jennifer, I know you like to go

musicals. I do. I saw you at the Book of Mormon on Broadway. You did

not. Did I not? You weren't in it. . I am going to see it next week, that

is how I know I haven't seen it yet. You will get a surprise when you sit

there saying "I have seen this." It will be like Freddie. I know, I did

do this. You seen Once. I was lucky to see this on Broadway, I loved it.

It is based on the film of the same name and it is opened in the West

End. Here performing the Oscar-winning song Falling Slowly.

Please welcome Zrinka Cvitesic and # I don't know you

# But I want you # All the more for that

# Words fall through me # And always fool me

# And I can't react # And games that never amount

# To more than they're meant # Will play themselves out

# Take this sink boat and point it home

# We 've still got time # Raise your hopeful voice

# You have a choice # You'll make it now

# You'll make it now # Falling Slowly, eyes that know me

# Sing your moll # di sing it loud

# di sing it loud # take it all

# When I play the cards too late # Yourself in gone

# Yourself in gone APPLAUSE

Once, everyone. Excellent. Join me guys. Come on over.

Oh. Beautiful job. Absolutely love it. Come and sit down. Sit you down,

very good. Right. So, it is Declan Bennett and

Zrinka Cvitesic. . This is the best anybody ever did. This is rubbish.

Zrinka Cvitesic. The best, trust me. Really? How would you say it?

Cvitesic. You are quite good! I love this show. But it very hard to

explain to people, because I have seen it a couple of times and you

end up balling in tear, it is a bitter-sweet story. It is delicate.

It packs a punch. I am a bit teary now. It is still on in Broadway. Go

see it there. I will.You have seen them already.

Congratulations, great review, the show is on at the Phoenix Theatre.

It is on. We extended our booking period to May 2014. He is on it. He

is on it. Seriously. Go see it. APPLAUSE.

Just time to have a couple of stories in the big red chair, so who

do we have? Hi.Hi. LAUGHTER

I remember this from last time. don't you do that. See what happens.

. Do it right now? ? I remember this from last time. Can he come back

now? He is finishes? You spared us a lot there. I didn't want to be

cruel. Jennifer wanted to try the thing. Here we go.

Hello. Hello.What is your name? 'Ve. Where are you from?Near

Twickenham. Lovely part of the world. You should go there Jennifer.

I was thinking about doing it tomorrow. Oh yes!

APPLAUSE. On it. Very good.

Forbes list. You can see why. Sorry, eve. Off you go. So I was walking

down the road. I didn't have a lot of time to get ready. As I was

walking past a window... APPLAUSE

The Couch decided. One final one. Here we go. Quick, quick. Hello. How

you? Very well.What is your name? Caroline. Where do you live?I live

in Middlesex. I am a nanny but maybe not for long on Monday after this

story. I don't think that is the sort of

thing the BBC should be broadcasting. Off you go. Long time

ago, I went on a blind date, didn't start very well. I got pooped on by

a pigeon at the train station. Drank too much wine and he decided it

would be a good idea to see a late-night movie in Leicester

square. So having fallen asleep in the cinema, I thought, go to the

loo, get myself together, come back, thought I am losing this guy here.

So I sat down, and started having a little fumble in his lap. And this

girl learned forward and said, excuse me, what are you doing with

my boyfriend? I am feeling up the wrong guy. My date was five rows

behind. So I had to apologise, without getting punched in the face

and then stagger back up the stairs, to my guy, who looked at me like,

no, I don't think so. That is my story. You can walk. You can walk.

Good story. Well done everyonement if you would like to join us you

can. Just contact us via the website at this very address. Thank you to

my guest, Declan Bennett. Zrinka Cvitesic. David Mitchell, Freddie

Flintoff and Jennifer Lopez. APPLAUSE