Compilation The Graham Norton Show

It's the end of another great series.

Everything's been packed away. The studio's empty.

But, you know, I do sort of miss my audience. Oh, I wish they were here.

I wish they were here. I wish they were here.

CHEERING

Let's start the show!

Oh!

Oh!

Good evening! Hello.

Hello.

CHEERING

Good evening. Welcome, all. Oh!

I tell you, what a great series this has been.

So many highlights, starting with this.

-Let's get started, if we...

-Yeah!

-Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Thank you.

-We can do it. Ready?

-Cheers.

Cheers.

One, two, three...

CHEERING

Oh, he did!

Wow.

CHEERING CONTINUES

Oh!

-Wow.

-Don't do this at home. Don't do this at home.

-Oh, God.

That ginger ale is crazy.

Now you should just ask us really personal questions.

Dame Julie and I want to announce that we're engaged officially.

-Was there a lot of bonding backstage?

-Yes.

-About five seconds' worth, right?

-Yes.

Yes, I wanted to come to England

and, on your television programme, to announce our love.

-Now, obviously, you're familiar with the guys, aren't you?

-Yeah.

-Are you kidding?! Of course I am.

-Yes.

-No, and...

-We've been very familiar, haven't we?

-Yes. Yes.

Yes.

Wow. Channing, what...? Are you losing it? Are you losing it?

I don't know...

It's early in the evening. By the shank of the evening, we'll be...

Yeah. There's lots of Julie to go around. Yeah.

INDISTINCT SPEECH

OK, that IS my future wife, so...

CHEERING

A joke's a joke, but...

Michael is one of those actors you have to coax out of the trailer.

-He'll wait in there for hours and hours.

-This is true.

He's very difficult, very ornery on set, so to get him out,

there was really only one song,

and so I used to get the sound guy

to play it very loud in the studio as he came in,

just so he could get his mojo up.

-That's right.

-And actually, it was Blurred Lines.

I wonder if you guys... You guys know Blurred Lines?

I don't know what it was about that song or that video

that got Michael going.

-Do you want to come back on again to Blurred Lines?

-Yeah, let's do it.

OK, OK. You go back there.

CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH

Yeah, all do it. All do it. Yeah. OK.

-OK...

-So, we'd be coming out... Come on, Michael! Michael!

Michael, come on! We've got a shoot. Michael, listen.

MUSIC: "Blurred Lines"

-Michael, it's your favourite tune.

-Michael, come on.

RHYTHMIC CLAPPING

CHEERING

Very good!

CHEERING

Here's the thing.

Emma, what's the hold that the Spice Girls have over you? Is this real?

Yes, it's real!

And I just feel like

I've been talking more about the Spice Girls on this press tour

than I have about the movie.

-That's because you wept. You wept in Australia.

-I know I wept.

-Did you really weep?

-I really did.

-Which one was talking to you?

-Mel B.

-And was she really talking to you, or was it a message?

-No, it was a video message on an iPad.

-And that made you cry?

-Yes!

-Where you jet lagged?

-Yes!

Also... You don't under...

-You do understand, because we're in the UK.

-Yes.

I was... I was a fiend.

I was obsessed with the Spice Girls, and they taught me about girl power.

-Mm.

-And I love them. I think they're fantastic, and I...

-What's the song?

-There are so many, Jamie. There are so many.

-People of the world...

-Spice up your life.

-Every boy and every girl...

-Spice up your life.

-Hey!

-There are so many, and they're so fantastic,

-and today on the radio, Mel C talked to me over Skype.

-Oh, wow!

So, it's really very exciting.

OK, now, who would you say is your favourite Spice Girl?

-Emma Bunton.

-She's your favourite?

-She's my favourite.

-Who's next?

-Ohhh!

-Don't do that.

-Just a question.

All of the other four.

-One gave you a video message and one talked to you on Skype.

-Yes.

-You've never met a Spice Girl?

-Are you going to do something now?

-Have you never met a Spice Girl?

-Are you going to do...?

-Have you never met a Spice Girl?

-Wait. Hold on.

I have to mentally prepare myself.

-Have you never met a Spice Girl?

-Not in the flesh.

-OK. Now, as you know...

-Don't!

As you know...

As you know, Emma...

He's really excited.

It's very rare for more than one Spice Girl to appear together...

..for any reason at all.

DRUM ROLL

So,

-they're not here.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Basically, I have always had a complex with the way I walk,

and I've always been told throughout every, you know,

point in my life that I've...

I've not always been told I've got a bad walk,

but someone's always commented on my walk,

it's always been a bit like, "Oh, right. That's how you walk?"

-That's how you walk, OK.

-Is that...? Is that you walking?

-But, honestly, like...

-WOMAN: Do your walk!

-Back off!

-We might go there, we might go there. Um...

Um... But, yeah, so...

And I remember a mate of mine at school said...

Cos I've quite... I'm not...

This won't happen, but I have quite pronounced calf muscles,

and I always thought it was an hereditary thing,

but I remember my mate once, we were talking about it...

We didn't just sit around talking about that all day!

-"What beautiful calves, Jamie."

-"Those are... Oh, amazing!"

We have great nights, staring at them, drinking. And I said...

He said, "You know why you have big calves?"

I said, "I think it's cos my dad does. It's hereditary."

He said, "No, it's cos you walk on your tiptoes."

So, I said, "Is that a weird thing?"

Anyway, a couple of jobs I've done, the first day that we did The Fall

and I had to walk, the director...

the producer and writer, Allan Cubitt, came up and said,

"Um, is that a character thing, or...

"..or is that your walk?" I was like...

I could try to clever my way out of it,

and I thought, "No, I'll just tell him that is how I walk."

He started working things, he started talking about,

"Why don't you maybe take longer strides?"

Um...

No, honestly. So, and then with...

My wife and I would walk around where we live in London

and cos I'm on my tiptoes, I'm quite high, I'm quite bouncy.

So, my wife said, "Why don't you try leaning back?" Right?

Honestly. So, I'm literally walking...

We go out for us and I'd literally... So, I'll show you my...

-This is my old walk,

-This is the old walk. This is the old walk.

-OK.

-I'm so excited.

-Don't get THAT excited!

This is my old walk. I'm so out of sync now.

I'll do it. This is my old walk.

Right?

OK. This is my... This is the walk we tried, right, with my wife.

I'm not...

-How exciting!

-Remember those commercials with Mr Soft?

APPLAUSE

Now, I'm sensing this man has had a fascinating year.

What's your name, sir?

-Ulle.

-Sorry?

-It's a Danish name.

-Oh, marvellous.

Danish name.

Scandinavia is represented tonight. It's lovely.

-Uldur?

-Ulle...

Ole? Ole? Uldur? Ulle...

-I'm sorry. Ulle?

-Ulle.

Ulle! Ulle! Oh, like Irish for "apple". OK. Ulle.

What's been the highlight of your year, Ulle?

-What has been the highlight of my year?

-Yeah. Yeah.

-Not much is happening.

-No?

-No.

Let's go to... Let's go back to Will in the newsroom.

NEWS STING

Ulle, Ole, Olah...

has no memory of 2013.

CHEERING

Let me do... Let me do this lady here.

-Hello.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-What's your name?

-Kate.

-Kate? Lovely.

-And what's been a big event in your year, Kate?

-Um...

I actually got over my phobia of eggs.

Were you working with a therapist?

-There was alcohol involved.

-So, you got drunk and ate an egg?

Yep.

OK, let's go to the newsroom,

where Steve will report on Kate getting over her fear of eggs.

NEWS STING

Young woman named Kate is beautiful and I am getting a divorce.

Whoo! Whoo!

So, Liam Neeson... Liam Neeson is in A Million Ways To Die In The West.

So, did you ever do your Taken,

your version of the Taken phone call for him?

-Er...

-Oh, got to hear this.

-Do it.

-Come on, man.

-Got to do it.

-Our version on Family Guy was Kermit the Frog doing Taken.

-Fantastic.

-I'm not going to be able to remember the speech.

-AS KERMIT:

-I don't have any money.

That's really neat!

-APPLAUSE

-Oh, my God, that's so good!

Oh, that's so good.

But what I do have...

..are a very specific set of skills.

Skills that make me a nightmare...

..for somebody like you.

If you don't let the girl go, I will track you down,

I will find you, and I will kill you.

Whaaaa!

Very good. Very good.

CHEERING

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

-In Operation Snatch that you've...

-I haven't seen it.

-No, no.

-Ever.

Ever!

APPLAUSE

I'm not going to tell you about it.

-About Gibraltar.

-Yes.

Because I was driving down Baker Street one day

and a car overtook me and Terry-Thomas flagged my car down

and said, "I've just had a wonderful idea.

"Because I'm doing a film about Gibraltar and the Barbary apes."

AUDIENCE MEMBER TITTERS

"Would you..." Somebody's guessed already.

"Would you ring up the director, Robert Day, and go and see him?"

The theory was that in Gibraltar,

if there was a sudden drop in the population of Barbary apes,

the UK would lose control of Gibraltar during the war,

so they had soldiers playing Barbary apes.

So I did that, that was my...

Hold on, wait a minute.

So during the war, Gibraltar found soldiers to dress up as apes

-if there weren't enough apes?

-That's right.

Why did we need there to look like there were lots of apes?

Because a spiritual theory

existed that if Gibraltar wasn't peopled by enough Barbary apes...

I won't take long.

So someone had to go along with it?

This was a wind-up, this was a sergeant's wind-up.

What I like is that classic scene,

"Dad, what did you do during the war?"

"I don't want to talk about it, son.

"I don't want to talk about it."

-That's amazing.

-Yeah.

There's an urban myth that you are one of these apes

in Stanley Kubrick's 2001...

No. Funnily enough, he did ask to see me, after I'd...

He saw you in Gibraltar and thought, "That's amazing!"

-He saw me in Gibraltar.

-"Who's that ape?"

"That's not an ape, that's Mr Corbett."

"That's not an ape, that's Mr Corbett, is it?

"I like the cut of his jib."

So you are not one of those?

-No, I wasn't.

-Did you turn it down?

I turned it down, yes. It got too technical.

LAUGHTER

At some acting studio, he could have done it.

Is this all true, what just happened?

You had to pretend to be...

-There were people who pretended to be apes in the war.

-Yes.

You did one of those in a film, Stanley Kubrick saw you

and wanted you to be an ape in 2001...

Yes.

Actually, he saw me doing a little spot on Sunday Night At The Palladium

and he said...

"He would be ideal for one of my apes."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He's good! He's still got it.

He's still got it.

It's kind of weird it's become so famous,

the upside down Spider-Man kiss.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Presumably, you don't know.

You don't know, but I remember Sam Raimi giving me a book of kisses.

It was a little coffee table book you can buy,

like a little cute book of movie kisses.

He was like, "Let's try and make this one as epic as these kisses."

-Oh.

-These other famous kisses.

So I thought, "That's a nice idea. Yeah, right."

You know what I mean? "We'll see..."

So, Bear, you're OK to hang upside down, right?

To hang upside down?

OK, there's a trapeze...

Does it come low?

It does come low.

Are you sure you can do this?

-Yeah?

-Erm, yeah, I'll give it a go.

OK, OK...

So... That looks really high. Can you do that?

-Yeah, we can get up there.

-OK, good luck.

OK, he's taking the jacket off.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

OK, he is serious.

OK.

What did he do then?

He tucked his shirt in. Oh, look at him go!

-IN NORTHERN ACCENT:

-Ooh, he's like a monkey himself, he's like a monkey!

You go sit at the end there.

You go sit at the end.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, Bear!

Eurgh!

Bear! What is that?!

What is that?!

AUDIENCE: Eww!

It's going up his nose!

Oh, Bear!

-That's repulsive!

-Spit it out.

What is that? Eww!

-Oh!

-AUDIENCE SHRIEKS

I'm so sorry, I left that in from earlier.

I always like to travel with food on the go.

I'm ready for my smacker. Come on then, Dawn.

Let me just clean that...

Here we go, here we go.

-There's one more in there, hold on.

-No, there isn't!

Suddenly, it doesn't feel so much fun.

Oh, Spider-Man, ooh, you're so...hot.

AUDIENCE WHOOPS AND CHEERS

Beautiful!

When I was ten years old...

This is really stupid, I know, but when I was ten years old,

I was playing in a football game,

Rugby League, actually,

and I tackled this big, fat kid

right round the ankles. Smack, went down like a sack of shit.

"Bad luck, fatty. Thanks for coming."

As I'm getting up from the tackle,

he fair dinkum just kicks me in the face.

He wasn't used to being tackled, obviously.

He turned around and just went boom, straight in the face,

kicked my tooth out.

And I just had this strange thing where I never got it fixed.

It used to drive my poor mother crazy,

like, "Please, get your tooth fixed," but I was like...

IN GRAVELLY VOICE: "No, Mum.

"This is my life.

"This is something that's happened to me.

"I wear the scars as badges of honour in my life, Mum."

It drove her nuts. It took until I was...

Seriously, and I was working as an actor.

-With..?

-I was doing stage work, I was doing TV work,

with one tooth...

..and then I worked for a guy called George Ogilvie and he cast me

as the lead in his movie

and he sat down talking to me and he said,

"Tell me the story about the tooth," so I went through it, football game,

blah-blah, "I'm being authentic," and all that sort of stuff.

He goes, "Oh, see, here's where we have a problem,

"because in my movie, the character of Johnny, the one you're playing,

"he has two front teeth."

LAUGHTER

He paid for me to get a tooth himself,

not from the production budget.

The funniest thing is,

and I know you're going to find this quite obvious

now that I say it to you,

but I did 100 film auditions and never got a film.

I got my tooth fixed -

whoa!

SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There's a thing in the New York Daily News.

They've gone all out on it, ladies and gentlemen, all out.

-Now they're claiming it all comes from show insiders.

-Yeah.

According to this, and I'm only reading it cos it's here,

"She's taping her face skin back

"and hiding the evidence with her fabulous wigs."

What does that even mean?

Well, basically, they've seen tape in my make-up room,

so they assumed that I'm taping my face.

What is taping your face?

-I'm going to tell you a secret, hold on!

-OK.

The secret is everyone thinks I've had big boobs for many years

and they've always said,

"We thought they were bigger," when they've met me in person.

I'm like, "No, they're not, because I tape them." Am I taped now? Yes.

That's my secret.

Instead of them saying, "Maybe..." I'm taping my face? I'm not that old!

You don't know how hard it was for four boys not to go like that.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Mustn't, mustn't, mustn't...

Mustn't, mustn't.

We've all done the Jennifer Lopez trick,

we've all done it, we all do it.

It's like, you know, I don't want to fall out on your show

and I don't want to embarrass myself, so I taped my boobs.

OK - that, I understand, just.

If somebody tapes their face, what do they do?

I've no idea, cos I've never taped my face.

-Who tapes their face?

-To their boobs?!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You'd met George Clooney originally in Venice, was it?

-Yes.

-OK.

We met in Venice.

It was a movie in Venice.

I don't even remember, but...

..I don't remember much.

It was the night we had Lost In Translation open in Venice

and it was a big deal,

so there's one night and all the Hollywood guys,

they're all really stiffs, most of them,

but one night of the year,

they end up on this one island in Venice, they end up in Venice

and they all drink a whole lot for some apparent reason. Not George,

-but these other show business guys...

-Not George?

No, George drinks all the time.

George drinks regularly and consistently,

but I don't know, I met George that night and we kind of hit it off

and then I went back to America and my son said to me,

"What's this about you

"and George Clooney pushing people around in wheelchairs in Venice?"

I said, "You know, you're my son.

"I would have expected more from you,

"to believe that kind of a story.

"Why would you ever think that something like that

"actually happened?"

He said, "Because there are pictures."

LAUGHTER

This is the age we live in.

It turned out that George and I were taking women around in wheelchairs

and trying to dump them into the swimming pool.

AUDIENCE GROANS

No, no, no-one died.

It was a joke, it was a joke. They just got a rinse.

Tonight at the premiere, there were some relatives

of the old Monuments Men's family

and a lady in a wheelchair came for a photograph with everyone

and she was there, probably in her 90s, and you sat on her knee.

LAUGHTER

She was 97.

She was 97.

She was 97.

With respect, I asked Mark to do it first and he wouldn't do it.

He wouldn't do it and I went and sat on her lap.

I find that if you look at someone like that, you see the wheelchair.

When you see someone on their lap, you see a party girl.

LAUGHTER

ALL: A 97-year-old party girl.

She loved every second.

Is it true about you road-testing the posing pouch?

The posing pouch?

The...

Isn't that what they're called?

-Posing pouch?

-You don't call them that in America?

I don't know what that is!

Those little things that you just about get things in

with a string round the back.

-A posing pouch?

-The slightest move and everything's out.

I read that you walked around to make sure

that it wasn't falling out of the...

-It was composed.

-What I did do, which a lot of us did,

is you put one of those on and all of a sudden you find your body

gets a little inverted.

I had to really loosen up cos this is the guy who lives in this thing

and has to feel really loose and...

HE SNIFFS ..with it,

So I remember going, and I wasn't the only one that did this,

you go, "I have to walk out there amongst the crew and have small-time,

"normal conversations like, 'So, how you doing?'

"'What did you have for lunch?

"'Hey, did you see the game this weekend?'"

I go out and try to have some small talk in this thong without flinching.

It was hard.

LAUGHTER

I wasn't, but... AUDIENCE WHOOPS

You've said it now, you've said it.

-OK, so stand up.

-Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to put a little water in my mouth, so I cough the water?

Yes. Now, I'm going to come across this way.

-NERVOUSLY:

-Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Boom! GRAHAM GIGGLES NERVOUSLY

-It'll come to your ear and then you just turn.

-Mm-hmm.

It'll look like I nailed you. Ready?

Ready?

On three - one, two, three!

GRAHAM GRUNTS

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

OK, now... That's good.

OK.

I didn't spit on anyone?

No, didn't spit on anyone?

OK, now we get to watch that back.

-I guess this is what they do in the movies.

-Yes, it is.

-So here it is.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

LAUGHTER

That's great!

Urgh!

Eww!

I'm still going.

-Isn't that great?

-How much water did I have?

It doesn't take much.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

I'm still looking, like, "Wow, what a punch."

You haven't moved, you haven't moved!

You're like a photograph behind me.

-Am I still going?

-Yeah!

God!

-That's funny.

-I've got a face like a wind sock!

Talking to people you work with,

you are known as the positive force on set, "We can do this."

Is it true that Emily Blunt did break your spirit?

-It was a particularly hard day, I will say.

-No.

We were in the dropship.

-It was a very hard day.

-No, she didn't break my spirit.

-But there was that moment when...

-Basically, we were in this dropship,

I don't know if you guys have seen the trailer -

we're being dropped out of this ship in our exosuits

and it was a tiny set, they'd made the set really small,

it was kind of as big as a sardine can and we were all in there,

it's so hot in there and there's no air in there,

camera crew are bumping into us

and we're hanging in the exosuits in harnesses,

so the entire weight of you and your suit is on your groin,

people are miserable, hanging like this,

just waiting for them to shout, "Action!"

And Tom, that insatiable positivity,

I can just see it starting to unravel.

He was pouring with sweat.

I remember looking at him and he was like, "Guys, please. Please, roll.

"Please, roll," and I just looked at him and I went,

"Oh, this sucks," like that,

and he looked at me and he goes...

SHE INHALES DEEPLY

"It's a challenge."

LAUGHTER

I thought, "Because you know what, if I start complaining,

"It's on.

-"If I start going down, it's on."

-And I went, "Tom, it SUCKS."

And he went, "OK."

Jonah, what's that... I'm probably thick, but I've never understood

the thing that Morgan Freeman said to you.

Oh, this was about ten years ago.

I did a film with Morgan Freeman, a really small film,

and the first ten pages or ten minutes of the film

are us two just driving together in a car

and talking and it took three days to shoot

and he didn't talk to me the entire time.

Like, in between takes, right?

-Cos he had so much dialogue, I learned later, right?

-OK.

So in between, we wouldn't really chat,

but we were in the car together for three days.

Then, at the end of the third day,

he just turns to me and he goes,

"Jonah, Jonah, bobona, banana-fana, fa-fona,

"Me, mah, momona,

"Jonah."

-LAUGHTER

-That's it?

-That's it.

I was super uncomfortable, I didn't know what to say back.

It was one of the more weird moments of my life.

I didn't know what to say, so I just said, "Thank you."

And then he was quiet again and then he said,

"Do me."

LAUGHTER I said, "What?!"

He was like, "Do my name."

I was like, "Do your name?", and he was like, "Yeah, do my name",

and I was like,

"Morgan, Morgan, bo-borgan, banana-fan, fa-forgan,

"Me-my-mo-morgan,

"Morgan."

He went, "All right," and then we never spoke again.

APPLAUSE

-Seth, you must be aware of this beautiful art book.

-Oh, no! Yeah.

-This is gorgeous.

-You have the actual book? Oh, my God!

Did you have to give permission for this?

No, I wish I had been asked, honestly.

No, I never gave permission.

It's an artist called Christopher Schulz, is his name.

-He's legit?

-He's actually like a legitimate artist.

-I can't show that.

There aren't many... Oh, I can't show that.

-We can see this.

-You can't show many of them.

-No, we really can't.

What's his name? Christopher Schulz, he is an actual artist.

I've never met him in my life, but just so you know, yeah.

And I'm guessing your planning never going to.

He draws me quite beautifully, so I'm kind of curious.

So Christopher Schulz shuts his eyes and thinks,

"How will I see Seth Rogen?"

Like that.

AUDIENCE HOWL

It's a bit...

It's a good mattress, you can see how deep I am in it.

Five inches of sinking in that mattress.

I love that, men of a certain age, "Is that memory foam?"

"That mattress, how do you do that?"

I think we can show this.

This is just like following a big dog down the street.

-Oh, no.

-There's...

AUDIENCE ROARS

Wow.

It's nuts!

Literally!

APPLAUSE

I just want to refer back to a television appearance

that Hugh Bonneville made a couple of weeks ago.

He was on a programme called Top Gear.

-Oh, I love that show.

-You were on Top Gear?

-He was on Top Gear.

-Driving.

-That's the greatest show.

-Do you have a clip from Top Gear?

We don't have a clip but we do have a bizarre...

His appearance caused quite the reaction.

Here he is on Top Gear.

Now, a lot of people were focused on the jumper.

LAUGHTER

A lot of people were focused on the jumper

but even more people were concerned as to why...

Why were you wearing lipstick on Top Gear?

We haven't doctored that picture.

I haven't got my glasses on, I can't see it.

Trust me, you're wearing lipstick, you're wearing lipstick.

There you go.

I am not wearing lipstick! I've never worn lipstick in my life.

Well, it does look like you're wearing lipstick.

That was a very cold day.

While I'm intrigued, I'm here to say that I was not wearing lipstick.

Hang on, um-m-m...

It was flipping cold because on Top Gear they say,

"Bring two sets of clothes.

"You'll be boiling hot in the car

"and you're going to be freezing cold in the studio."

I thought, "Boiling hot in the car?

"It's a cold day in wherever we are, February.

"It's not going to be like that at all."

I was roasting, cos you're exerting so much adrenaline and sweat

because you're in a, well, 1.6 litre car...

Your lips are turning a different colour!

Because of you!

Then you're in this studio, this aircraft hangar,

where apparently last summer...

It's either incredibly hot or it's freezing this time of year,

and last year, when Patrick Stewart was on...

My lips are going red, aren't they?

They do! They just go red on TV! That's really weird!

When Patrick Stewart...

I am this table, I am this table.

It's an odd look for a man, but you carry it off.

So, so...

I'm like what's-her-name's pout the other week.

Yeah, so last year, apparently about four or five people...

Stop giggling.

About four or five people fainted

while Patrick Stewart was doing his thing because it was so hot

and I thought it's going to be very chilly,

so my favourite woolly jumper,

but not my red lippy, which I'd left at home.

He just said, "My lips... my favourite woolly jumper."

Come on!

How many women here are going to faint just hearing him say,

"My favourite woolly jumper"?

All right, how many men are going to faint?

"My favourite woolly jumper and my lippy."

LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

Lippy? What does that mean in American?

WHIMPERING: I don't know.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

A lady from Colombia, where's the lady from Colombia? There you are.

Stand up too, hi.

-What's your name?

-Patricia.

-IN SPANISH PRONUNCIATION: Patricia.

-Patricia, OK.

So do you want to...

-Shall we hear it? What language is this going to be?

-Spanish, yes.

Who can translate that?

-Is it quick?

-I could make it quick.

Tell it quickly in Spanish and then tell it again in English.

She speaks English!

LAUGHTER

Tell it in Spanish quickly.

SHE SPEAKS SPANISH

Two m... Wh...

SHE CONTINUES IN SPANISH

Quite good in Spanish, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Do you..?

I got the gist of it, but I don't know if I'm going to do it justice.

A monkey with huge boobs...

LAUGHTER

-OK, tell us in English.

-OK, two friends meet after a long time.

They're all school friends and they talk about the past

and, "Have you seen this?", "Have you seen someone?"

He said, "Oh, yes, funnily enough, I saw Maria last week."

"Who is Maria?" "You remember Maria?

"She was very slim, very flat-chested, you remember?

"Not very pretty." "Oh, yes, I remember her."

"Well, I saw her and she is looking like this."

"Wow, she had breast enlargement?"

"No, she's got terrible arthritis."

LAUGHTER

It's a good joke!

Very good, OK.

..because they thought she was saying, "She's like this",

she's got huge breasts,

but they're going, "No, she's got terrible arthritis."

I'll translate the English.

OK, Keira Knightley, what would be worse for you?

Having to sing in front of a large audience,

or do your sex faces?

LAUGHTER

Dangerous Method, you had to do a lot of sex faces.

I had to do a lot of sex faces. I had to do a lot of weird sex faces.

Oh, no, that's not a weird sex face, but she was a bit of weird character.

-No, that's not it.

-No, it was directed by...

LAUGHTER

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

-I liked that movie.

-You promised you wouldn't tell anyone.

Uh, yeah,

I had to go on Skype with David Cronenberg

so that he could see what my planned weird sex faces were.

That's... That's...

It's awful in every level, because I'd never met him before.

To say, "Hello, nice to meet you," then all of a sudden have to go,

"So, hey, what are your sex faces?"

which I'd been practising in the mirror just before,

which is just a weird thing to do,

and I went on and they were meant to be horrible sex faces,

so they were horrible, but Skype froze

on a weird, horrible sex face, so I'm meeting with this big director,

who I think is amazing, was suddenly just this kind of "Argh!" face.

-It was great.

-But you do seem to have bad luck...

-Bad sex faces?

-No, no!

No, Keira, no. I'm not saying that.

Did you mean bad-sex faces, or bad sex faces?

-They're two very different things.

-Two very different things.

A bad-sex face is just...

Just a bit bored, really.

In terms of acting techniques, Matt,

you must remember those famous episodes of Friends

where Joey would explain his acting techniques.

-Oh, yeah.

-The Joey acting classes and stuff.

-"Smell the fart" acting.

Yeah!

Was that Joey or was that you?

No, that was the writing staff.

We had some great writers, but that was really funny.

So talk us through "smell the fart".

"Smell the fart" acting was when he was on Days Of Our Lives...

I can help you out with this.

When you forget your line, you kind of go...

LAUGHTER

-And then you continue and you remember.

-I was captivated.

It's very similar to...

Yeah, and you can do it more subtle too, just...

And then we did another one where Joey was teaching an acting class

for soap operas.

If you have to cry, you cut a hole in your pocket

and you take tweezers and you just start pulling.

Good idea. I've pinched myself a few times, yeah.

The problem is I like it.

LAUGHTER

If you have to be perplexed,

you just think of some long division.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It was a lot of fun.

But here's the thing - Jamie, great musician,

you must have used your music at some time to woo a woman.

I use whatever I can...

LAUGHTER

I use whatever I got, baby.

-Know what I'm saying?

-I have to say,

this is one of my favourite songs.

This is Storm, listen to how hot this is.

# Lights out like a power outage,

# Cos of the lightning in your bedspring showers

# I can feel the mist every time we kissed... #

There's almost a Spider-Man link,

cos it starts off with "Lights out like a power outage."

# Lights out like a power outage... #

-Oh!

-AUDIENCE ROARS

SINGING DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE

# I could feel the mist every time we kissed

# Just didn't know a downpour like this

# There's a flash flood warning

# Will it rain in the morning?

# There'll be puddles in the bed... #

I don't want to get too...

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

No, no, no, let me finish.

There are questions to be asked.

The words were...

# There'll be puddles in the bed

# The weatherman said... #

Yeah, but why were there puddles in the bed?

LAUGHTER

Was she an older lady?

Oh!

Listen, I've got the lyrics.

"Girl, the weatherman said it's cloudy skies,

"Right there between your thighs."

LAUGHTER

"I want it soaking wet all over the bed."

-Do you sing these lyrics?

-He wrote them!

Hey, man...

APPLAUSE

Hey, it sounds much better when you sing 'em.

You just don't read the lyrics.

Then they sound a little crazy.

Cameron has also been in the papers recently,

feeling very strongly that all women should maintain some pubic hair.

LAUGHTER

-Cameron feels very strongly about this.

-No, no, no, no.

-It's not exactly that.

-You say "maintain"...

-In a jar, or..?

-Thank you!

-That would be "retain".

To the allotment.

If you have an aspect of husbandry about it, Richard, it would be.

Maintain, take it out every now and then, comb it.

-Post it back in.

-In terms of my comfort zone, I'm far away from it.

-LAUGHTER

-I've left the zone of safety.

I'm in the wilderness, I don't know what's happening.

See the forest through the trees.

That is an inappropriate metaphor, given...

..given what we're talking about.

Clearly.

-OK, can I just clear something up really quick?

-Yes, please do.

-If you would.

-OK, did you ever ask a question like, "Why are you there?

"Why are you there?

"Why are you there?"

There is a purpose for it.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-I want to have a direct communication...

-Why ARE you there?

Why are you there?

I just thought a slightly louder voice might get an answer.

-Have you guys seen the fan art?

-No.

OK, this is nice.

-It's lovely.

-Look at them!

-That's terrible.

-They are such good pals.

-Look at you, Michael!

-I know!

What if they're at the craft services during filming,

one of them gets hungry?

Why, you could share a cherry.

Nice. Different artist, though.

You've never made me cupcakes.

What are you wearing, James?

Show me again.

Am I wearing dungarees?!

You did the baking and I'm feeding it to you.

Why am I in dungarees? Have I've been in the workshop?

It could be an apron.

You did the baking and I'm feeding you.

That's lovely. You've worked hard all afternoon, James.

-You deserve a treat.

-So I'm taking your cherry?

Yes.

LAUGHTER

Here you are baking, it's rather beautiful.

Now, for some reason...

Wait a minute, stop everything for a minute, mate.

Whoever's creating this artwork... I applaud your artistry, by the way.

It's beautiful work. ..but if anybody's giving...

LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING

-Hello, nice lady.

-Hello.

-What's your name?

-Jessica.

-Jessica.

Can you hear Jessica?

-Pardon?

-I'm not talking...

LAUGHTER

-She's so sweet and she's French.

-She's adorable.

I don't think she's French.

Didn't she say, like, "Par-don?"

She just said, "Pardon". She's posh.

AUDIENCE ROARS

Where's the chair? Put me in it.

Do you want a go? You want a go?

OK, can you have a go in the chair?

OK, go, you, go.

-Where's the chair?

-Follow that man there.

OK, but hurry - we've got homes to go to.

By the way, this is the best time I've ever had on a talk show.

Oh, bless you.

AUDIENCE WHOOPS AND CHEERS

That's true.

-Come and see us again.

-That is true.

It's good.

I think it's the champagne, not the host.

-OK, who's up next?

-Hi.

-Hi.

-I'm Hugh, I'm from West Sussex.

Hi, Hugh!

Hi, I'd just like to say that I think Matt Damon

is really amazing in the fourth Bourne...

Way!

He's running back!

Hugh Bonneville, everybody!

Hugh Bonneville.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right, let's flip him!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

AUDIENCE ROARS AND APPLAUDS

-PALOMA:

-I'm honoured, I really am.

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE WHOOPS