Episode 12 The Graham Norton Show

Great guests and a chance to meet the man behind Mrs Brown's Boys.

No wig, no dress - he looks completely different.

I wonder what he sounds like.

'I sound completely the fecking same, ya numpty!

-'Now, start the fecking show!'

-Let's start the show!

CHEERING

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Hello! Hello!

Good evening, one! Good evening, all!

-CHEERING

-You're very kind! You're very kind!

We have got a packed sofa for you tonight.

Pop princess and queen of The X Factor, Cheryl Cole is here!

CHEERING

Miami Vice legend, and star of Django Unchained,

Don Johnson is on the show!

-CHEERING

-Yeah!

Hilarious comic John Bishop will be here!

-CHEERING

-Yeah!

And we've got the man behind Mrs Brown!

Yes, Brendan O'Carroll will be joining us later!

-CHEERING

-Uh-huh!

Plus... Plus, we will have music from the one and only,

the brilliant Chrissie Hynde, everybody!

-CHEERING

-Yeah! Woo!

Now...

Don Johnson, of course, shot to fame in Miami Vice.

-MUSIC: Theme from "Miami Vice"

-Oh, it's good, isn't it?

-I've been playing this all day!

-LAUGHTER

-I might stop playing it now.

-MUSIC FADES

Now, there's a picture of Crockett and Tubbs in action on a drugs bust.

Ooh, now, apparently, they're about to arrest a woman

with a suspicious package up her skirt.

LAUGHTER

"It's me wanger!"

APPLAUSE, HE LAUGHS

Miami Vice!

Miami Vice was made in the '80s and it was such a different time.

You know, big phones.

Er, crazy fashions.

And state-of-the-art computers.

Now, in fairness, it looks rubbish, but you could still get porn on it.

You could! Yeah!

LAUGHTER

You all remember printing that out.

Er, now, I'm going to be talking to John Bishop about his unusual pet.

Yes, John adopted a pig that had somehow escaped.

And the thing is, pigs do it all the time.

Did you see the pig that jumped from a truck in China this week?

-Did you see this?

-AUDIENCE GASPS

Now, calm down, everyone!

Now, I know it doesn't look good, does it?

LAUGHTER

But in fact, the pig was fine.

# La-la! La-la! #

-LAUGHTER

-Aw!

Isn't that nice? Happy ending!

And, of course, the pig became a local hero

and they had a big party to celebrate.

Aw!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Delicious!

I'm going to be chatting to Cheryl all about her famous tattoo.

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-Oh, I know!

That tattoo, let me tell you, took three days to create!

-HE GASPS

-Can you imagine that poor tattooist

spending all those hours staring at Cheryl Cole's bum?

-Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?

-LAUGHTER

Well, let's get our first guests on!

Bishop to Queen sofa. It's John Bishop!

-CHEERING

-Hello.

-Hello!

Hello, sir! Very nice to see you!

Have a seat, do!

He's my favourite vice, it's Don Johnson!

CHEERING

So smooth! So suave!

-Hello, sir, very nice to see you.

-Good to see you.

-Have a seat, do.

And I've got "Cole" from Newcastle, it's Cheryl Cole!

HUGE CHEERS

Yay!

Beautiful!

So ladylike! Mwah! And mwah!

Come in and sit down!

CHEERING

Very good!

Now, quite a diverse group tonight, cos we've got John from Liverpool,

Cheryl from Newcastle, Brendan from Dublin is coming on later...

-WOMAN: Woo!

-All right!

LAUGHTER

What I'd really like to say to Don Johnson is good luck with that!

Have you been attempting to talk backstage?

Um, just the bare minimum. GRAHAM LAUGHS

-But can you make out what they're saying?

-Uh, er... More or less.

-So far, so good.

-OK, good.

-Yeah.

-That's good.

-He understood the bum tattoo pretty well.

-Yes!

-Well, it's hard to miss!

-He had no problem understanding that.

It's not like a lucky shamrock, is it? It's like, "Whoa!"

I told her that I was promised a viewing to come and do the show.

-LAUGHTER

-And now he's had one.

-I saved you the trouble, Cheryl.

-Thank you.

-Aren't I a sweetheart?

And, er, Don Johnson, very pleased to have him here,

-but also very pleased we've got the right Don Johnson.

-Oh, yeah.

Cos there are loads of them, aren't there? Tons!

There's probably 50 outside the studio now.

-Waiting to get in.

-Yeah, exactly.

-Lucky you were first in the queue.

I had a, um, I had an interesting experience one time.

An African-American fella came up to me and he goes, um, "Guess what?

"My name is Don Johnson."

And I went, "Well, that's great." He said, "No, no, no, for real!"

He reaches in his pocket and he pulls out his driving licence and,

sure enough, it says on there Don Johnson and I said, um...

"That's great, um, how does that work for you?"

And he said, "Oh, my God, I get restaurant reservations!

"I get sporting events! I get theatre tickets!

"Oh, it's fantastic!"

And I said to him, I said, "Well, what happens when you show up?"

And he said, "Well, I just tell them I look a lot different on TV."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

But in terms of doppelgangers, you met...

I've seen this picture, it's incredible. Where was this guy?

This was in, er, in Dubai. I went over to...

-AUDIENCE GASPS

-I know!

I went over to Dubai to do a gig and the radio station said,

"We've got somebody who looks like you, but we don't want

"to bring him in, it will be awkward and embarrassing."

-So I was... I was expecting, like...

-Yeah?

-..you know, a black guy or...

Black dwarf or something to come through!

And then, he walked in, he looked more like me than I do.

LAUGHTER

-You know what was great?

-Is that you on the right?

-That's me on the right, yeah.

-OK.

-The older looking of the two.

And what was great is that he said the same thing.

In Dubai, he's used it to get restaurants, but he's also...

He said, "I've pulled girls."

He said, "I've pulled girls saying that I'm you,"

which I've just gone, "That is fantastic!

"Cos now, if I ever have an affair, it's not me."

LAUGHTER

-It's just him.

-APPLAUSE

-Now, Cheryl Cole, you've been away.

-Yes.

You been away, but now, you're back with a vengeance, young lady!

-CHEERING

-You are! Yeah!

Er, because the new song - Crazy Stupid Love -

It's being played all over the radio now,

-but it's released properly on the 20th of July.

-Yeah.

-And this one is you and Tinie Tempah.

-It is.

-But this is from the new album?

-Yes.

-Now, when's that out?

The album's not actually out until later in the year.

-Later in the year?

-Late November time.

-Late November?

We'll have a couple of singles out, and get feedback into it.

-And what's it called, the album?

-The album's called Only Human.

-EXCITED SCREAMING

-Only Human?

LAUGHTER

OK, were you hypnotised and that's the keyword or something?

LAUGHTER

"When she says Only Human, you will scream."

LAUGHTER

-But why Only Human? Because...?

-I actually had a long time off.

Um, the last time I was on, I did a tour just after

the last time I was on here, alone, and then I went straight in

and did a tour with Girls Aloud after the ten-year reunion.

And then, I just was exhausted and I seriously needed...

-I haven't had time off in 10 years.

-Wow!

-Yeah. So I literally said,

"Look, I need a year to myself, just to remember normal stuff."

Spend time with the family, I've got a poorly dog, you know,

I just wanted to spend some normal time.

And I went through a lot of stuff.

The album's got a lot of stuff on there. And, um, yeah,

Only Human was most fitting for what the album stands for.

-OK.

-In America, we call that rehab.

LAUGHTER

We wouldn't like to say that she was.

Hey, Crazy Stupid Love, you've probably heard it on the radio,

but here's a little taster

-from the video.

-CHEERING

# I'm realising

# I kinda need you around

# Hard to believe it

# I'm that girl holding your hand

# And I'm still trying to understand

# Well, I don't know how you do it to me

# You make my brain just stop Sink my heart to my feet

# It's like a roller coaster But I'm only going up

# I'm in crazy stupid love. #

-CHEERING

-Very good. Now...

When you turn around...

When you turn around and do that dancing,

you suddenly realise how f...ing big that tattoo is!

-Yeah!

-Have you added to it? Is that the same size?

It is from mid back...

-all the way down.

-Is it...?

Oh, there it is again! Er...

-Don Johnson noticed!

-LAUGHTER

And was it always going to be that big? Was that always the plan?

-Or did it just spread?

-You know what's funny? After...

LAUGHTER

-That was the...

-He made a mistake.

-Yeah.

-And then, he just...

-Yeah!

-He kept going.

Is it like one of them? You look in the mirror and go,

"Does my arse look big in this tattoo?"

LAUGHTER

No, it was after... Actually, after I got sick, I had...

After I got malaria, I wrote a...

You call it a bucket list, I call it a "fuck it" list.

And I just wrote everything I wanted to do.

-You know, life's short.

-Yeah.

-And I changed my perspective.

And I always wanted a big tattoo.

Is that a bit of the tattoo I can see there?

-No, this is a different one.

-That's a different tattoo? OK, OK.

-Oh, no, I just wanted, cos it...

-LAUGHTER

It's not my fault! It's right there!

-And now, this is a vulgar question, but I will ask it.

-OK!

Not that vulgar, but three days it took to do it?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Three sessions.

-Three sessions.

So how much did that cost?

Well, the guy that did it is actually a, um....

-an exceptional artist.

-Yes.

-Like he's not just a tattooist.

-He's an artist.

-He is a lucky bastard, that's what he is!

HUGE LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Yes, he's very good!

-An artist with a butt fetish.

-Yeah!

-He's very good, very good at roses.

-Yes.

-And how much was it?

-It was worth it. It was worth it.

-You're not telling us how much?

-It was worth it.

-But is it in the thousands?

Yeah.

-Could you buy a car for that money?

-LAUGHTER

-A small one, maybe.

-A small car?

-Yeah.

-New or second-hand?

-LAUGHTER

You do realise that many people would have paid you to do it to you?

You didn't have to pay him anything!

And, Don, because you have, you know, you've had quite a wild past.

-You've been through periods of wildness.

-Really?

-Have you escaped without a tattoo?

-Any tattoos?

-Yeah, no ink.

I didn't, um...

I couldn't decide on anything that I wanted to live with for ever.

-I had that problem with women for a long time.

-I'm sure.

LAUGHTER Easy! Easy!

Um, I'm happily married now for...

-15 years.

-Well done.

Well, if you'd like a tattoo, Cheryl - dab hand!

-Yeah.

-No, seriously!

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Give her a needle and some ink, she's off!

Let me think on that. LAUGHTER

-No, we've got... You tattooed the guy who tattooed you.

-I did.

This is you tattooing Nikko.

And now, this is what you tattooed on him.

LAUGHTER

-Aw! Isn't that lovely?

-See, that's how it started!

-So, is that sunglasses? Or glasses?

-No, it wasn't intended to...

-Well, he wears glasses.

-OK.

So the idea was, his signature look is quite known

and he wears big thick glasses

-that kind of look like aviators in the end.

-Yeah.

-My bad.

-LAUGHTER

-Um...

But then, a heart, because I think he's got a really special heart.

-Yeah.

-My initials, cos I did the tattoo.

-Oh, is that your initials on the end?

-CC.

I thought that was you try to get the pen to work! Doing that thing!

-LAUGHTER

-You're at the post office!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

"Is there ink in this thing?"

Now, Cheryl, very quickly, I've got to say

-we are delighted you're back doing The X Factor.

-Thank you.

-Seriously, I think...

-CHEERING

-Everyone's really pleased...

-Thank you.

-..you're back on it.

-But given how mean they've been to you...

-Yeah.

-..I guess the question

is why are you doing it? Why have you said yes?

Now that Simon's back, I mean, honestly,

I just couldn't stand any more of the grovelling.

It was becoming uncomfortable.

-I thought I would just help out a friend a little, you know.

-Yeah.

And you've started filming already?

-Yeah. We did two days in Manchester already.

-And all right?

-All right.

-Yeah?

-Feels like I've never been away.

-Not too frosty?

I don't know if that's a good thing or bad thing? A little bit of frost.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-Louis!

-Oh, Louis! God love him!

-LAUGHTER

But that's all right. Are you off with Louis?

Well, we've never been on, to be honest.

LAUGHTER

-We look forward to that.

-Yeah!

LAUGHTER

Er, now, here's the weird thing.

Cos your... I think it's your youngest, Don.

-Hmm.

-You've been in the business for, you know, so many years and yet,

is it true that, up until recently, he did not know what you did?

Um, yes. Well, I think he was around six at the time, six or seven,

but I was making a... I was making a film called A Man's World

and I played a hairdresser in it

and my...my then five or six-year-old son came to visit me on the set.

So, P.S., a couple of years later, he's sitting in class,

and the teacher's going around the room asking them

what their fathers did for a living

and he said, "Oh, my father's a hairdresser."

LAUGHTER

-Yeah.

-I'm pretty sure he's not!

Ooh! Well, I don't keep a lot of things around the house. I don't...

You wouldn't know that I'm in show business if you came in my house.

I don't have photos of me with, you know,

other actors or stuff like that. I kind of leave it at the stage door.

And one of your other children, one of your daughters,

is about to become a huge star. Dakota.

-Yeah.

-She's working as an actress now,

-but now, 50 Shades of Grey.

-Yeah, who knew?

-Oh, wow!

You know, I have this thing in my family where I say,

"You're on the payroll if you go to school and you're going to college.

"If you fail to go to college or anything like that, it's over."

You know, get a job, you're on your own.

-And so...

-I said the same thing.

My son's still going to college. He's 34.

LAUGHTER

Yes, there is that problem. I've got one like that.

I've got six kids, so you've got some work to do.

LAUGHTER

But she's doing this, this big movie.

50 Shades Of Grey, which has got to be massive when it comes out.

I would think so. I mean, it was a big book.

It's not something that I would read, but...

LAUGHTER

OK, I've never read it either, but I kind of know what it's about.

LAUGHTER

Cheryl, have you read 50 Shades Of Grey? When you're on your time off?

Aha, I got 16 pages in, that was about it for me.

-Wow, then you whipped into a frenzy and couldn't read the rest.

-Exactly.

-LAUGHTER

-No-one's going to smack my arse...

LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

I spent a lot of money on this. Nobody's laying a finger on it.

APPLAUSE

Er, right. Don Johnson.

Don Johnson is back in movie theatres next Friday.

Your new film, Cold In July.

We talked about this backstage, because I went to see it.

It's a great buzz about this film, it's played all the festivals

and now it's hitting cinemas.

And it's a very hard film to describe.

-Um, yes...

-Oh, no, give it a go.

LAUGHTER

It's sort of, um, a genre shape shifter.

In other words, it starts out seeming like it's going to be one thing

and then it becomes something else and then it becomes...

Then I come on and it becomes something completely different.

And it is, it is, we cannot lie, it is a very,

bits of it are really dark.

-But bits of it are really funny as well. It is, yes...

-Yes, I handle that part.

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

Now, it's all set in the '80s.

I mean, were you kind of an unofficial, kind of, you know...

-No, that's what I said. I mean...

-But you invented the '80s.

-LAUGHTER

-Without you, we'd have 1979, 1990.

LAUGHTER

Because when you look at the pictures of you guys in Miami Vice,

we think that you were in '80s fashion,

-but you kind of created these fashions.

-Yes.

Actually, um, our costume designer came back from Italy

and she had all of these new designers.

Gianni Versace was relatively brand-new.

I don't think he had one store. Neither did Giorgio Armani.

And she came back and she's handing out all of this stuff

and, you know, I'm looking at it and I'm going...

These kind of look like pyjamas.

-LAUGHTER

-You're kind of right.

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

-And so my style there of the T-shirt, no socks, no belt...

-Yes.

..was a function of how... f...ing hot it was...

LAUGHTER ..in Miami.

I mean, it wasn't really sort of thought out, it was just organic.

I started just removing articles of clothing.

-And the movie's called Cold In July?

-Yes.

You must have spent time in England then.

LAUGHTER

Also, in the '80s, as you said,

you were setting this fashion of no socks.

But, you know, we were copying it.

We were walking around in November, freezing.

LAUGHTER

-All these canvas, what are they called, esperados or whatever...

-Yes, yes.

-Oh, yes, yes.

-..stupid and them balloon pants and jackets up there like that.

-Yes.

God, I spent a lot of my life looking like a dickhead because of you.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, and there we go.

All right, well, listen, let's, let's revisit the '80s

and watch a clip from Cold In July.

This is you tracking down a suspect

and getting a bit more than you bargained for.

Watch out!

GLASS SMASHES AND CAR SCREECHES Shit. Damn. What the...

DOG BARKS Jesus.

What in the dog shit is wrong with you?

Don't you have any mirrors on this damn Pinto?

You know how to use it? You're going to pay for it.

We could split it.

-STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-Ah! Oh!

DOG BARKS

Hey!

You want some of this?

Huh?

-Agh!

-STUDIO AUDIENCE GROANS

That's for my car.

DOG CONTINUES BARKING

And that's for a hat.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's really good.

So, you're an investigator, or kind of detective,

but you are also a pig farmer?

Yes, I found that interesting, yes.

LAUGHTER

Well, you grew up in the country, you must've been familiar.

I did, I grew up on the farm

and you see pretty much everything on the farm.

And I've known a lot of pigs.

LAUGHTER

Some of them do like it.

LAUGHTER

She's got a mean streak, I can tell you.

I also know some pigs with two legs.

LAUGHTER

Now, what are the chances of this?

So, you're playing a detective who owns pigs, John Bishop owns a pig!

-I don't own a pig, it lives with us.

-Oh, OK...

LAUGHTER

I had a couple of those too.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

They're smart, aren't they?

Yeah, he's brilliant!

He's great...we got him from an RSPCA place

and what struck me about it, they talk to you, don't they?

He talks to you!

So, in the morning when you go to see him, he does talk.

HE IMITATES PIG NOISE

-He talks pig talk but...

-Depends on what you're smoking.

LAUGHTER

To be fair, in my accent, he probably sounds better than I do!

LAUGHTER

But where did they find him?

Was he just wandering the street like a stray dog?

He was wandering the streets somewhere in Northampton or

something as a baby and then they kept him for a year

and nobody wanted him and then my wife, Melanie, saw him on a website.

Listen...as that left my mouth, I wish I'd never said it!

LAUGHTER

"My wife is trawling pig pictures on a website, yeah!

"There's nothing wrong with that, right?!"

LAUGHTER

So, she ended up asking for him to come to live with us, so he did.

Aw...and have you got the alpacas yet or are you getting alpacas?

No, we've got alpacas coming in a couple of weeks.

We just went berserk because, we did,

because we moved out to a nice house in the country and we've got

three kids, two of my teenage lads are leaving home in September.

They don't know it yet...

LAUGHTER

...just had enough of them.

So, they're leaving home,

so because of that Melanie just wants stuff in the house.

So, we've got eight chickens last week, a couple of guinea fowl,

a cockerel, a pig, we've got four alpacas coming,

a couple of dogs and I think there's a donkey somewhere as well.

LAUGHTER

Although that might be me!

-So, we've got a little menagerie going on.

-Wow!

-Now, the new tour starts later in the year.

-Yeah.

So, by the autumn, there'll be a lot of alpaca material?

LAUGHTER

I expect bookings will come from chicken owners, pig owners and

alpaca people, all sat there going, "Oh, alpacas, aren't they funny?!"

LAUGHTER

John Bishop's Supersonic Tour kicks off in October, in Plymouth

-and runs till December but you're doing try-out gigs now...

-Yeah.

..but you must be so brave to do that, cos how quickly do you chicken

out of new material and just kind of go, "Here's some greatest hits".

No, I don't...the hard thing is about doing stand-up is you

can't take time off and go in the studio and then come up with a song.

You only know if what's funny in your head

is funny when you tell other people...

-Exactly.

-You can't be on your own,

so you have to go and do these warm-up gigs and there's

always a bit of material that I keep trying right to the death...

LAUGHTER

..until eventually my tour manager says to me,

"That's shit! Stop saying it, nobody laughs at it!"

I can't understand why it's not funny

and then there'll always be something I'll

say off the cuff that makes people laugh and I think,

"I'll have to keep it in," but I've no idea what they're laughing at!

LAUGHTER

I always am...but that's what's good about it, the evolution of it.

And here's to think, after all your incredible Sports Relief stuff,

the cycling, the rowing, the running,

I assumed you were physically broken for the rest of your life but now,

for your new show, you are cycling around Australia, which seems...

Oh, for the telly series, yeah.

-You've done this already, haven't you?

-Yeah, yeah, I went in January.

Yeah, what happened is, I wrote an autobiography

and in the autobiography I mentioned that in 1992 I rode

a bicycle from Sydney, Australia back to England.

So, this was before I did this as a job or in the business or anything.

I just didn't want to get married.

LAUGHTER

I was going out with this girl who wanted to get married

and I wanted an excuse not to get married, so I said,

"I'm going to ride a bicycle from

"Sydney, Australia back to Liverpool."

And then when I got back I married her.

You didn't have any other options?

LAUGHTER

I couldn't think of anything quick enough!

So, when I got back I married her, cos ten months on a bike,

you'll marry anyone!

LAUGHTER

So, I got back and kind of forgot about it

and started this other life and I wrote the autobiography and someone

in the BBC read it and said, "Why don't you, as a travel log, recreate

"the Australian bit and going from Sydney up the coast to Cairns?"

So, that's what I did.

I travelled on a bicycle and did all things I couldn't do last time.

It's called John Bishop's Australia

and it starts on the 7th of July on BBC ONE

and we've got a clip of you and this is you visiting a koala sanctuary.

Watch and learn, everyone.

LAUGHTER

What are you doing now, doing the swab to test it?

For chlamydia.

And if he's got chlamydia, what would you give him, antibiotics?

Yeah.

Back to bed.

So, without being too crude, that gets all tucked away?

See, I'm glad you noticed.

Marsupials are back to front from placental mammals, which you are.

You have yours round the other way.

Koalas have their testicles on top and the penis underneath

and the penis is tucked away nicely for protection.

Wouldn't you like that, to pack it away nicely for protection?

LAUGHTER

Some people would say that it looks like I have got it tucked

away for protection.

LAUGHTER

She's such a flirt! Such a flirt!

APPLAUSE

You would not believe when you do something for the BBC,

you would not believe the amount of e-mails that we

had from the commissioners at the BBC about how much

of the koala's penis they should show.

LAUGHTER

But I said, "You've got to show it!"

Because I'm like everybody else, I'd never seen a koala's penis

and what struck me about it is that, you know,

nature and God or whoever makes all this stuff obviously

looked at the koala and the first koala's hung on a tree

and every time I've seen a koala hug a tree, I've never thought,

"Oooh, I hope he doesn't get a splinter in his dick!"

LAUGHTER

You just don't think that, do you?

Because you never wondered where it was! I thought it was fascinating!

I spent most of the day in there, just blown away by these people.

They put the balls in the wrong spot too.

If you want to hug a tree, I mean...

I'm with you, Don, I was thinking "Ow!"

Yeah...

-On his back.

-I have no idea.

-Earring.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

That is the campest thing I've ever heard you say, "Oh, earring!"

LAUGHTER

One of those koala balls.

LAUGHTER

You mention the book. It did really well,

it's out in paperback now, "How Did All This Happen"

and I don't know if you've seen this picture.

So, if someone was in a book shop

and they saw John's book in the book shop

and thought they had to take a picture and tweet it

-because of the section the book, have you seen this?

-No.

The section the book was in, in the book shop...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, now, Don, I hope you're ready for more linguistic challenges

because my next guest is the creator

of the most successful new sitcom in years.

And now he's made D'Movie.

Please welcome Mrs Brown herself, it is Brendan O'Carroll!

APPLAUSE

Sit down, sit down, sit down,

grab your drink there, marvellous!

-Oh, lovely to see you!

-You too!

-Yeah, and congratulations on everything!

-Thanks very much!

-It's amazing, it really is.

-Absolutely amazing!

-It really is.

Nobody's more amazed than I am!

LAUGHTER

I'm just glad to be fucking working!

LAUGHTER

Now, Don, are you familiar with Mrs Brown?

-I caught a clip of Mrs Brown, very funny.

-Thank you very much!

-You cut a striking figure in a dress, yeah.

-I do know that, I do, I do.

I take the moustache off, cos otherwise I'd look like my mother.

LAUGHTER

And actually, you are rocking Miami Vice pants.

I am, I still have the gear. I wore all the gear in the '70s.

I didn't look the dick that you did!

LAUGHTER

Are you sure?

I looked pretty cool.

Well, I thought I looked pretty cool but I was always a follower,

still had my tartan scarf from Bay City Rollers.

Those were the days...I'm enjoying the show so far.

-Oh, thank you very much.

-It's been upside down balls, it's been great!

LAUGHTER

The Americanisms, fantastic

and Louis Walsh is a wanker, I love that!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Great stuff, great stuff!

So, that's the re-cap.

That's the story so far.

"Previously on the Graham Norton Show..."

LAUGHTER

So, listen, Mrs Brown's Boys, it's a

sitcom about an Irish housewife and her family.

-You're not telling me that, right?

-No, I'm telling Don.

Unless you want to know?

So, here's most of the cast, now, of the cast,

so a lot of these are relations, aren't they?

Yes, I'm a firm believer in nepotism.

Yeah, so...

LAUGHTER

So, Grandad's your friend?

Grandad started off as my window cleaner.

-Oh, right.

-25 years ago.

Well, he didn't clean my windows, he was a window cleaner.

And one of the first gigs I did was at the Rathmines Inn.

And one night we were putting the gear in the van

and he started carrying out stuff...

LAUGHTER

He's gone, he's gone, too far...

I can go now.

LAUGHTER

That's the first time in my life anyone's looked at me

to explain what someone else is saying!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I just think it's hilarious that I need English

subtitles on an English show!

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry, what did you say?

LAUGHTER

Listen, you'll acclimatise, you'll acclimatise.

-So, and then your daughter is your wife.

-Yes, yes, that gets weird.

-Yes.

-At home, "Who's your mammy? Who's your mammy? Who's your mammy?"

LAUGHTER

-Winnie is your sister?

-Winnie's my sister...well, she says she is.

LAUGHTER

There's 11 of them, I can't remember them all!

-Winnie's brilliant in the movie!

-She's super, isn't she?

She's great in the movie!

-My son plays Buster, that's your dog's name.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

HE BARKS

-There's trivia.

-Me and my trivia.

Your family is very large,

so the people who aren't in it must be very pissed off!

LAUGHTER

You mean, aren't in the family or aren't in the show?

-Aren't in the show.

-Fuck them!

APPLAUSE

Mrs Brown the movie, I've been lucky enough to see it.

Honest to God, you laugh but you do...I cried, it's really sweet.

Thanks very much, thank you.

It's very sweet and it's very funny and it's what people would expect.

It's got all the coarse jokes and all the rude jokes.

It's very Irish, in that we don't do just straight comedy in Ireland,

we do comedy with pathos.

So, if you're going to have a bit of fun,

you want to go to an Irish funeral.

-That's true.

-We get all the fun and then we'll all have a cry

and then we'll have a laugh again.

So, it's that kind of structure to it.

You know, I don't think you can have one without the other

but I love that she always lets them...I say "she" like she's

somebody else, I swear to God!

LAUGHTER

She'll be wearing my knickers tonight!

LAUGHTER

She always lets them off the hook.

-There's a scene on the bridge, that mother-daughter thing.

-Oh...

-Me too!

And I knew it was me in a dress!

LAUGHTER

I'm crying watching it but that bit at the end when she says

"Sophie's Choice" and then she lets them off the hook and I love that!

No, it's very good and also, for me, it's almost like a love letter

-to Dublin.

-Well, thanks, that's what I intended to do.

Look, Ireland's getting a bit of a bad time at the moment,

we're getting a bit of bad press about financial things

and how things are going etc.

But Dublin is a beautiful city and it's a really warm city.

-Yeah, it is a beautiful city.

-Thanks very much, Cheryl and...

LAUGHTER

Brendan built it.

LAUGHTER

Newcastle is one of my favourite places!

LAUGHTER

I agreed with you, you didn't say thanks to me!

You get a tattoo like us on your cock and I will!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Mrs Brown, you've talked about how she's been inspired

by lots of women growing up that you knew but particularly your own mum.

Yeah...well, I used to tour America, erm, where you're from.

LAUGHTER

Funnily enough, where I live now and they've no problem understanding me.

LAUGHTER

That's not true, come on!

Well, I'd tour on the book tours and they'd always ask me

the most bizarre questions and one of the questions they'd ask is,

is Mrs Brown based on your mum and I used to say, "no".

I used to say, "No, she's not".

And then I started to realise, actually she is.

My mum was very well educated, thanks to the nuns, she was a nun.

She started out her life as a nun, had 11 kids

so obviously she was right to doubt her vocation!

LAUGHTER

But thanks to the nuns, she got an education.

She had a really good education

and she ended up with a Bachelor's Degree from Galway University.

And I think if Agnes would have had that education, yeah,

they would be very similar, cos my mum had that same kind of wisdom.

Can I just tell you, I loved touring in America, cos I can tell them all

the lies and they believe them all.

I can tell them about leprechauns in

the garden and they actually believe it!

Well, yeah, look at our government!

LAUGHTER

Clearly, they'll believe anything you tell them.

I remember once, one woman put her hand up and said, "Excuse me, sir."

And I said "yes",

"Can I ask, what is bollocks?"

LAUGHTER

And I said, "Most of what I've been

"fucking saying for the last ten minutes!"

LAUGHTER

They're the most bizarre people but my mam...

LAUGHTER

-No offence.

-No offence.

-None taken.

You're not really American, you're Don Johnson.

-LAUGHTER There is that.

-That's true.

He was the inventor of the '80s!

As you said, 1979 - 1990.

But your mum... 11 kids, a two- bedroom house.. I mean, that's...

How did they have sex?

LAUGHTER

We knew the sign was...

My mother used to say, "Gerry, I think you need to peel my corn."

LAUGHTER

Of course we'd all go, "Eurgh!"

And then he went and peeled her corn and the next thing, there was another brother.

LAUGHTER

11 kids.

But she was quite an extraordinary woman in that...

She was a woman's woman.

She came out of the convent, then she went to teach.

And when she married my dad,

she married him only because he could dance.

She got fired, because in Ireland at that time, if you were

a civil servant and a married woman,

you couldn't work as a civil servant.

So she's never having that.

She joined the union, changed that law,

and then got elected to Parliament

and then became Shadow Minister for Foreign Affairs, Chief Party Whip.

She changed a lot of laws.

-CHERYL: Fascinating woman!

-She was a fascinating woman.

And when she retired from politics she had a few bob,

so we were convinced we were in the lolly. But she didn't.

She bought a couple of houses and turned them

into a home for battered wives and homeless children.

In which we all volunteered and all worked in.

-So it gave us a good grounding...

-APPLAUSE

No, no! Give HER a round of applause, not me!

-No, she's dead.

-LAUGHTER

So don't waste it.

LAUGHTER

She was a powerhouse of a woman and she was a woman for change.

And she taught me something more important than anything else.

First of all, don't be afraid.

It's one of the reasons I admire Cheryl - you're never afraid.

You speak your mind and it's a great thing. Fair play to you.

She told me never to be afraid. Don't be afraid to fail.

Don't be afraid to succeed. Most of all, don't be afraid to try.

And it's not what you have, it's what you DO with what you have.

And that goes for money as well.

Brendan, it's been lovely talking to you. Lovely to hear about your mum.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-The movie is out next Friday.

-Yes.

And here's a taste of what to expect.

Hello. We are looking to get a receipt

and we were told we could get it here.

National Records Service.

So this is the National Records Service, is it?

-No, you're through to the wrong building.

-Oh. What's this, then?

Hello?

Hello!

National Records Service.

Excuse me!

Listen very carefully.

Is this the National Records Service?

Yes, this is the National Records Service.

-Shall we get the receipt here, then?

-Hold on, please.

-OK.

-OK, what?

-We're holding on.

-For what?

-For the receipt.

National Records Service.

Listen, feck-face! How do I see the actual receipt?!

Get your feckin' hands off me!

I have four sons!

-Now what?

-I don't know.

We have to get in there.

Maybe if you disguised yourself.

-Disguise?

-Yeah.

You could disguise yourself as a man!

No, Winnie, I'd never get away with it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Very good!

Right!

Time for our musical guest tonight.

She was a Pretender and, after 35 years in the music business,

she has finally released her first solo album to rave reviews.

Performing her current single You Or No-one,

please welcome Chrissie Hynde!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# This lonely heart's been yearning

# The skies above been turning

# Feels like the universe just grew

# I've waited for so long

# Aaahh, I've waited for so long

# I just wanna be with you always

# Wanna be around you always

# Just wanna be with you

# Or no-one

# Making it you or no-one

# And when the night starts falling

# Even the stars are calling

# Spinning and spilling out your name

# Aaah, now that's what I call faith

# Aaah, spilling out your name

# Forever and ever

# Love is a hurting thing

# It never goes away

# Forever is a long time

# To wait for you to say

# I just wanna be with you always

# Wanna be around you always

# Just wanna be with you or no-one

# Making it you or no-one

# Please stay

# Never go away

# Please stay

# Never go, never go away

# I just wanna be with you

# Wanna be around you

# Just wanna be with you or no-one

# You always

# Wanna be around you always

# Just wanna be with you or no-one

# Every day you or no-one

# Wanna be around you

# Just wanna be with you or no-one

# You or no one

# Just wanna be with you or no-one

# Baby, with you or no-one. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Chrissie Hynde, everybody!

Come and join me, do! Beautiful dog!

-Thank you!

-Chrissie Hynde!

-That's a John Bishop.

-Hello!

-Don...

-Hello!

Long time no see.

Sit down, sit down, sit down.

-Do you know Don Johnson?

-Yeah.

-We've met.

-Have we? Did we...?

-Well, I met

-YOU!

LAUGHTER

Oh, the '80s!

-It explains a lot!

-It was such fun!

LAUGHTER

So, Stockholm, the new album, which I...

Someone said to me, "Is this Chrissie Hynde's first solo album?"

I was going, "Don't be stupid! Of course it's not." But it is!

Well, kind of, yeah. It didn't intend to be,

but the guys I made it wouldn't leave their studios and their wives

and their other bands to be in a band with me, so I got kind of...

-So it is your record.

-It is now, yeah.

-You must be thrilled.

-It's a great record.

-Thank you! I like it, thanks.

It had great reviews, a great response.

-Well, you don't read your own stuff, surely.

-Trust me, they're very good.

Trust me, trust me. But that is the single.

I've read things you've written, such sweet things,

about owning dogs.

So is that song about owning a dog?

Er... The song we just did. Well, kind of...

It's about sort of unconditional love.

And when I spoke to the fella that was doing the video, he goes,

"Why don't we get an old couple?

"Because it says, 'be with you for ever.'"

And I said, "Well, I'm not really sure I can relate to that.

"How about getting a guy and a dog?"

-And there you go.

-They sent me the video and... Oh, look at that dog!

AUDIENCE: Awwww!

-It's beautiful!

-It's the fella's dog, actually.

I didn't meet him, but that was his dog.

Another great thing about the video - you didn't have to do anything.

Oh, you know, I've been in so many videos and it's always a disaster.

I said, "Get a REAL dog!"

LAUGHTER

Stop it, you!

That is an example of how you begin to look like your pet.

LAUGHTER

-I didn't know Louis Walsh had a dog.

-Whoa!

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

-I'm pleased!

-Cheryl, let it go!

LAUGHTER

Just put it in a Louis Walsh balloon and let it go!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We've no time left, so, ladies and gentlemen,

please thank all our guests tonight. Chrissie Hynde!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

John Bishop!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Don Johnson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Cheryl Cole!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And Brendan O'Carroll!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that is it for this series.

But do join us next week for our look back

at some of the highlights of the year so far.

We'll be back in the autumn. Until then, have a great summer.

Thank you very much. Good night and bye-bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE