Episode 1 The Graham Norton Show

This programme contains strong language.

My name is Maximus Grahamus Nortonicus, are you not entertained?

-AUDIENCE: No.

-Oh, all right, in that case,

send in the bloodthirsty, ferocious lion.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

Let's start the show!

APPLAUSE

CAT SCREECHES

Good evening. Don't worry, don't worry, Mitzi is fine. There she is.

We don't need any other guests, we could just interview that cat.

Oh, adorable!

Hey, welcome back, everyone, to a brand-new series.

We've got a great show to kick us off. Yes!

He's the Oscar-winning star of Gladiator, A Beautiful Mind,

and the new biblical epic, Noah. Russell Crowe is here!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

From Charlie's Angels, Shrek and Bad Teacher,

Cameron Diaz is on the show!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

King of the geeks from hit sitcom The IT Crowd,

actor and director Richard Ayoade is here!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And be still my beating heart, pop legend and the star of The Voice,

Kylie Minogue is on our show.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Kylie! Kylie!

Now, this is interesting, I do believe that tonight

is the first time Kylie and Russell Crowe

have appeared on television together

since they both appeared on Neighbours.

That was quite a long time ago.

Now, I'm going to show them a clip of the two of them

doing their marvellous acting in Neighbours.

But for now, shall we have a sneak preview of what Russell looked like

when he was in Neighbours? Yeah?

LAUGHTER

"I will have revenge for this hair style in this life or the next."

And the guyliner - we thought that was a new thing.

No, Australia had it years ago.

If you want a reminder of how Kylie looked back then,

then I wouldn't go to this waxworks in Norfolk.

LAUGHTER

She looks like her own mother!

Tonight, I am talking to Russell Crowe about his new film,

Noah. It's the Old Testament story of Noah and his ark,

where only two of each kind of animal could get on.

With dogs, dogs are very clever.

I bet you some dogs could have sneaked onto that ark in disguise.

Yeah, I'm sure they could.

"Queen will be along in a minute. Just checking out the hive."

I love this one. Look at this.

"Don't mind me."

And this is my favourite.

"I'll just go and stand with the other elephants."

I'm going to be chatting to Cameron Diaz

all about affairs of the heart. Now, her new film is The Other Woman.

And it's all about a man dating three women at once.

Three at once! I know.

I'm not saying that is excessive.

But here's the character in the film before dating three women.

Yeah. And here he is afterwards.

LAUGHTER

Beautiful. That's all to come.

Plus more of your stories in the red chair. Let's get some guests on.

I'm in with the IT Crowd, it's Richard Ayoade.

CHEERING

Good to see you. Have a seat.

There's something about this guest, it's Cameron Diaz!

CHEERING

Wowser! Wowser! Hello, baby.

Come in, come in.

By God, it's Russell Crowe!

CHEERING

Hello, sir.

Really good to see you. Really nice to meet you. Have a seat.

And I'm so lucky, lucky, lucky, it's Kylie Minogue!

CHEERING

Thank you so much for being here.

Sit down, sit down.

Shove up, everyone. Shove up, everyone.

Very good.

-Lovely to see you all.

-KYLIE: You too.

-You all well?

That's a very shiny, glamorous couch. I like it a lot.

Well, it drops off towards the end.

No, you stop that now.

Your booker made three good choices.

-And then got tired.

-Stop it.

I've been looking forward to having you on the show.

-You've never been here before.

-I've not, no. And let's find out why.

Now, I mentioned in the monologue, Russell and Kylie back together

on television. Have you appeared on television

-since the Neighbours days?

-Have we?

-We might have done a chat show.

-Done a few Moroccan restaurants together.

-Yeah, we have.

-We have.

-Hello!

She brought her whole crew of dancers once to a restaurant.

-It was very distracting.

-I bet it was.

-A man like me...

-Yeah, that was like a gift.

-I couldn't eat.

Have we ever done a TV thing? No.

This is a first.

1987, ladies and gentleman,

Russell and Kylie were on Ramsay Street together.

-Cameron, are we aware of what Neighbours is?

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Let's have a quiz!

-No, no, I've heard of it, yeah.

-You watch Neighbours, don't you?

I mean, this is a rare break for me.

I basically have to schedule the time off.

-Do you remember this time in Neighbours?

-Yeah!

I certainly do.

-You just rewatched that season, right?

-This was the golden time.

This was the golden era of Neighbours.

This is after the Des and Daphne era. Aww!

AUDIENCE: Aww!

-You know Des and Daphne!

-Des and Daphne?

-Graham!

I had a job!

A lot of them had jobs!

Anyway, here you are, it needs no introduction.

It's just marvellous acting in Neighbours. Here we go.

Tell me this is your handwriting.

"BBM." Should stand for Big Mouth Brenda.

So, you admit it was you.

Yeah, it was me. You had it coming to you, pal.

When Paul found out you were trying to swindle Mum,

-he was calling for the cops. I should have let him.

-Yeah.

And this time you could be charged for libel.

Getting your little sister to do your talking, are you?

Another crack like that, mate, and I'll flatten you.

-Yeah? You got lucky last time.

-This is not the place.

Your luck just ran out.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Charlene, stay out of it!

Henry!

Henry!

Not here, mate!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Very good!

-That was dramatic!

-I know!

I was so scared as to what was going to happen

to his white jacket on the grass!

-How do you guys feel after that? How are you feeling?

-Slightly nauseous.

I'm feeling like a scrunch dry is going to come back.

Great hair acting.

Because you were in it for so long, do you remember that?

To be honest, not really. No, do you?

Here's the thing, every time they do the Neighbours 20th, 30th,

they keep putting my name at the top.

I was on that set for three days and one morning.

She was there for what, 52 years?

LAUGHTER

It's really unfair, why do you keep associating me with this show?

It was a wage. I was young. I needed the money.

Kylie, when Russell hit it big,

did you remember, did you go,

"Oh, that guy, I remember him."

Well, a lot of people who have made it around the world,

it's like a rite of passage.

So many people have gone through Neighbours or Home and Away,

or one of the soaps in Australia.

I mean, that's the beginnings of Gladiator right there.

That was some oomph!

-The punch was really good.

-The punch was good.

You must have thought, "That was rather good."

I don't look at it like that at all.

One thing that does make me remember, though, is at the time,

I only had one front tooth.

When I was ten years old - this is really stupid, I know -

but when I was ten, I was playing in a football game,

Rugby League, actually.

And I tackled this big, fat kid, right around the ankles.

Smack - went down like a sack of shit.

"Bad luck, fatty. Thanks for coming."

As I'm getting up from the tackle

he, fair dinkum, just kicks me in the face.

He wasn't used to being tackled, obviously.

He just turned around and just went boom!

Straight in the face. Kicked my tooth out.

And I just had this, like, strange thing where I never got it fixed.

It used to drive my poor mother crazy.

"Please get your tooth fixed."

But I was like, "No, Mum, this is my life.

"This is something that's happened to me.

"I wear the scars as badges of honour in my life, Mum."

She's like, you know, it drove her nuts.

It took until I was seriously, right,

I was working as an actor, right...

-With one tooth?

-I was doing stage work, TV work, with one tooth.

And then I worked for a guy called George Ogilvy

and he cast me as the lead in his movie.

He was talking to me and said he,

"So, tell me the story about the tooth." So I went through

the football game, blah, blah, blah, I'm being authentic and he goes,

"Oh, see, we have a problem.

"Because in my movie, the character of Johnny, the one you're playing,

"he has two front teeth."

So he paid for me to get a tooth himself.

Not from the production budget.

The funniest thing is, I know you're going to find this quite obvious

now that I say it to you,

but I did 100 film auditions and never got a film.

I got my tooth fixed...

Whoa!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Listen, we've gone from Neighbours, all the way to now.

Noah, number one movie at the US box office. Congratulations.

It opens in the UK this very night.

People are watching it as we speak. I watched it, I really enjoyed it.

It is what it is, it's a proper epic retelling of the story of Noah.

And I suppose I didn't know what to expect in that,

cos I had heard there was controversy and blah, blah, blah.

Why is there controversy? You've just told the story.

Yeah, a lot of that controversy is people who took it upon themselves

-to have an opinion without seeing the movie.

-OK.

I find that kind of stupefying, really,

that you put a stamp on something like,

"In my opinion, they could do this with the film."

So, it seems strange.

But now that the film has actually come out and people are seeing it,

-it's balancing up again.

-Cos it's a dark story.

Well, you see, the immediate thing that comes to mind with Noah, is not

actually biblical stories, it's the Golden Circle children's book

you got read when you were six or seven.

And Noah is a benevolent man who looks after the animals.

Oh, he's lovely, Noah.

But the thing is, in reality,

he's the man who stood by

while the entire population of the planet perished.

-So there's going to be a bit of steel to a fellow like Noah.

-Yeah.

You got this gigantic, epic story, this apocalyptic world.

But Darren Aronofsky has managed to find the family drama

at the centre of that huge story.

What it boils down to is, "Dad is a little obsessive".

He's single-mindedly pursuing a task.

And the fallout on his loved ones and immediate family is something

that he hasn't quite noticed yet.

Let's remind ourselves of the story.

This is you as Noah defending the ark

as the heavens literally start to open.

SHOUTING

Protect your mother. Protect them all.

GRUNTING

GRUNTING

SHOUTING

APPLAUSE

Wow! It is epic!

It really is.

Now, listen, it is a very famous sofa,

and with fame comes the ultimate accolade - a waxwork.

Kylie, you've been in Madame Tussauds how many times?

Maybe five different ones, but they have just changed it again.

This isn't the new one, this is the last one, I think.

KYLIE: That was, like, second to last.

They had to replace bits of it

because so many members of the public were doing this.

KYLIE: Oh!

It had about three bums.

The wax wore down!

-Are you standing now?

-I'm sat down now!

-I'm safe, I am actually on my bottom.

-Very good!

Cameron, have you seen your waxwork?

-I think I have. The Charlie's Angels one?

-Yeah.

-It's really piss-poor.

-It's...

How should I say? What's the word I was using before?

-It is an approximation...

-Yes.

-..of a person!

This is Cameron Diaz, is this the Hollywood...?

I'm... I think...

This is not of Madame Tussauds' standard.

LAUGHTER

It could sort of be Drew Barrymore,

but that is nothing... There's not even a passing resemblance!

Not even a passing resemblance!

-They could at least get the hair good!

-Yeah, something.

-Is it true, Russell, that you don't like waxworks?

-I hate them.

-They're creepy.

-Absolutely. They give me the...shits.

Any time that anyone puts one up,

we hassle them for years,

we chase them down, we make them melt it,

melt that lumpy thing!

So this one won't last for long, then?

That's ten years ago. We pursued those people

and chopped off his head.

Look how shit that is!

That is absolutely ridiculous!

APPLAUSE

I just think it is such a weird thing. I have no desire...

Madame Tussauds send you a letter, I just, "No thanks, not interested."

Funnily enough, we were ringing round wax museums in Australia

to see if there was one of you there to show a picture of it,

and one of them said, "No, we don't have a waxwork of Russell Crowe,

"but we have a letter." Do you know this letter?

-So, they wrote to you...

-I hope it's not one of the abusive ones!

No, no!

This is such a sweet letter. Here's the letter.

"Dear Peter, sorry, mate,

"no interest at all in being made out of wax.

"Pease do not pursue this any further.

"You don't have my permission or my blessing. Apart from that,

"I hope you and your family are doing well!"

It's a sweet letter.

APPLAUSE

Did you see that terrible Kylie waxwork I showed in the monologue?

This is so bad.

KYLIE: It's really amazing!

-Look at that!

-Oh, my Lord!

GRAHAM LAUGHS

If I could have a template of your letter for next time...

I do have to say, the one of you kneeling down, though,

it's kind of attractive. If they're not using that one any more...

It could be in the back room.

ALL TALK OVER EACH OTHER

-A little coffee table objet.

-Nice!

No hot drinks on there, please!

Actually, Richard, is there a waxwork of you?

The demand does not seem to be there.

Are you sure? Are you sure there isn't a waxwork of you?

I'm pretty sure.

Because some fans of yours posted a picture online.

So, are you telling me this is actually you

in this picture, not a waxwork?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I love that picture!

As you can see, I am incredibly relaxed.

-At all times!

-Engaging with fans.

I'm just a fun guy.

Now, moving on to Cameron Diaz, new movie, The Other Woman,

it opens on 23rd April.

A very modern romcom.

It is kind of modern cos the man is almost a subplot.

Absolutely, this is really about a relationship between women

and friendship and the love that women share for one another -

get your minds out of the gutter!

About the special bond that women have and, you know, it is

a story that's very modern.

Normally, when you have three women who are all seeing the same man -

one's married to him and he has two girlfriends - normally after that,

women would be fighting each other,

they'd be stabbing each other in the back,

they'd be angry at one another.

But this movie shows how women can actually put the onus on whom

it is meant to be put on, which is the man who tricked all of them.

Not in a bad... Not in a man-hating way,

but just in the most extreme version

of a pathological liar-cheater.

And... It's extreme.

We have to do that for comedy.

You can't really build comedy without extremes.

-And it is very funny, it is a really funny movie.

-Thank you.

The person who's in it, who's really funny in it,

is our good friend, Nicki Minaj. Beez In The Trap, Beez In The Trap.

Nicki, Beez In The Trap, Beez In The Trap.

We have got a clip, this is you and Nicki Minaj.

-Beez In The Trap.

-Beez In The Trap.

And you've just discovered that

-Mr Wright has been telling you lies.

-Yes.

What happened?

It's got to be something big, you were crazy about him two days ago.

He's got a wife, OK? He's married.

-And you don't think you can take her?

-That's not the point.

I don't do married guys. I don't need to wreck someone's home for a date.

It's not always a wreck.

Stan and I were married when we met, we weren't happy.

You wrecked two marriages!

First of all, one of them was mine so that doesn't count.

-I don't think that's how it works.

-All I'm saying, is that I think

married guys would be the perfect fit for you. I think you need

-someone with something that's going to keep him busy.

-Not a wife!

Somebody's being negative. I'm going to go.

But I'll tell you what my mother told me,

and these are words to live by.

Selfish people live longer.

LAUGHTER

She was so great.

She has some great lines. I love that, "Selfish people live longer."

"My mother told me, this is something my mother told me,

"selfish people live longer."

But because you are promoting this film

and people are talking to you about relationships,

it is like the Gospel According to Cameron Diaz,

all of these edicts have come on high.

Cameron Diaz has said, for instance,

-"Everyone gets cheated on at some point."

-Yeah.

-Are you standing by this?

-Yeah!

I mean, cheated on?

I don't know...

OK, so most likely!

-Cheated on?

-Yeah.

-Cheated on?

I am talking about, like, from, childhood.

-I'm talking about from the first boys or girls...

-When I was five.

Yeah, exactly. Like, there is somebody else you kissed,

somebody you was kissing that was kissing somebody else.

You don't know me very well, do you?

OK, maybe that you cheated on!

Let's skip forward to my mid 20s.

So, what you are saying, if someone is watching this

and they haven't been cheated on, they are going to be?

Well, I am not saying that cheaters are like our cheater in this movie.

It's like a pathological situation.

I'm just saying there is a moment in everybody's time where

they find that somebody has betrayed them at some level.

Betrayal - is that more comfortable for people?!

Is betrayal more comfortable? I see people when they say that,

all of a sudden they get really nervous. They go through all of their

boyfriends and girlfriends and they're like, "Did I?!

"Oh, my God!" All of a sudden they start questioning -

it becomes like an existential conundrum, and they're like,

"Did I?" Did I?"

I am like, "Just relax, it's OK if you did.

"Everybody gets cheated on."

-Wow.

-I know.

It's OK.

That's cheered the nation up on a Friday(!)

It really has(?) I am so happy.

There, from me to you guys. You're welcome.

Here's a thing... Cameron, you're single at the moment. I am.

-Kylie, you're single?

-Mm-hm.

-Meeting people and dating is hard enough

but Cameron Diaz and Kylie Minogue...

I am single at the moment.

Well, hello!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I wasn't sure!

I was going to include you, and then I wasn't sure.

Oh, lucky for you, Russell(!) I'm married.

OK?

So you may be able to step it up another gear.

But, Cameron Diaz and Kylie Minogue, how do...

Can guys ask you out?

-Yeah!

-But how?

-Of course!

-How is it possible?!

-You just ask!

But, no, don't encourage people, I would say.

-But...

-But, yeah.

-Yeah. No, it happens.

I know. It's so weird cos we're almost like a disease or something.

We've got fame!

-But you know what I mean?

-We've got fame. Watch out, girl!

-Yeah.

What is the ratio of people asking you out to you saying yes?

Good question!

APPLAUSE

-But I don't know how it is for you. Not that many people ask.

-No.

Don't they have to send a letter to an equerry for you?

-A calling card.

-And it gets brought round to the palace by hand,

and one of your ladies-in-waiting checks it?

Maybe that's what should happen.

At least there's a process - they'd know what to do.

-Mm. It's called vetting. Vetting.

-So, do they go through people?

No.

-So...

-Well, I say that, but if you work a lot - I work a lot -

you have your team, you have your people who can give you whispers

down the corridor and stuff like that.

So not vetting so much, but you have to have your eyes open.

Does it come back? Does a message come,

-"If you were to ask Ms Minogue out..."

-No!

"..she might consider your proposal"?

No! I am SO not posh like that.

-No?

-No, it would be like, "Hey!"

No, it's as awkward as it is for everyone.

Everyone would be like, "Hey, you want to go for a...?"

Or "We're going out after, do you want to go for a drink?"

It happens like that.

Let's throw this out to the group.

Cameron has also been in the papers recently,

feeling very, very strongly

that ALL women should maintain some pubic hair.

-Cameron feels... Cameron feels very strongly about this!

-No, no, no,

no, no. It's not exactly that.

I don't care... Are you saying "maintain"?

-No, no. Well, maintain...

-In a jar, or...?

-Thank you!

-That would be retain.

To the allotment.

If you have an aspect of husbandry about it, Richard,

-it would be...

-To maintain.

-Take it out every now and again, comb it.

-Yeah.

-Get stuck in.

In terms of my comfort zone, I am far away from it.

I have left the zone of safety.

I'm in the wilderness. I don't know what's happening.

"See the forest through the trees" is...

That is an inappropriate metaphor given...

-..given what we are talking about.

-Clearly.

-Can I just clear something up really quick?

-Yes, please, do.

-If you would.

-OK.

-Yeah.

-Did you ever hear a question like, why are you there?

Why are you there? Why are you there?

It's... There is a purpose for IT!

APPLAUSE

-I want to have a direct communication...

-Why are you there?

SHOUTS: Why are you there?

Sorry! I just thought a slightly louder voice might get an answer.

Does yours talk?

Are you expecting a reply?

HE MOUTHS

-I don't know.

-I went to a blue movie once,

when I was 16 or 17,

at some dodgy theatre in Auckland, New Zealand.

I am only bringing this up because the title of the film was

-Virginia The Talking Vagina.

-Ah!

-That is all I have to contribute. Meanwhile...

-OK.

-..back to your loins.

-So

the situation is that I believe that we should be informed as to

how our body works, we should have the information.

And I brought up the conversation about how women are sort of...

Young women, as a trend,

-are lasering it off all of it at once.

-For evermore.

Thank you very much. For evermore.

And I just want to say to the women who think, at this moment,

for whatever reason, whether because they've seen it and think it's sexy,

or that their man thinks that it is sexy, or whatever,

they're tired of dealing with IT...

that, um...

Sorry, may I interrupt?

-Hold on, let me finish this!

-OK.

-Shut the fuck up.

-Shut the fuck up!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Virginia is talking!

Cameron is talking about her bush.

Whoa! This is what everybody has been talking about.

So I believe that if you are doing something for ever, ever,

it don't come back, and you might change your mind.

And the man who thinks it's sexy, you might change your mind about him.

He might turn out to be a total...

-Yeah.

-And...

-Virginia!

-..I just feel like... Yeah, a Virginia.

I feel like you should consider what "forever" means

because once it has gone, you can't get it back,

that's what forever means.

-Yeah.

-That's from my heart to yours, OK?

Wow!

So I just want women to know that

so that... I don't care. Take it all off for years, I don't care.

But when you want to make that choice to bring it back...

Thank you.

..it is there.

-Men don't choose.

-This isn't a vagina, by the way.

-If you think about hair...

What about you, Graham? Do you do the back, crack and sac?

No, I don't! I do...

-Not for special occasions, Graham?

-No, I do a little man-scaping.

-What? Arrows, or...?

-I believe in grooming. Grooming is my preference.

-Any messages for friends?

-Yeah.

I mark it out with one of those lawn things...

in lines.

You don't want to get down there and think,

-"Well, if they haven't bothered going here, why would I?"

-Exactly.

It's so ugly.

Yeah.

Oh, poor Kylie, she just...

-Are you all right, Charlene?

-I'm all right.

Now I have visions of pegs and ribbons going across

and like a garden.

Not much ribbon! Hey!

-We must go on to Richard Ayoade because we know...

-Quickly.

-Quickly.

-Quickly.

-You can say everything you need to say about this

-in ten seconds.

-We know you as a comedy actor. Everyone loves The IT Crowd.

Now, it's not just that you're a director, you're a proper,

proper movie director!

You have made not one, but now TWO movies.

-I mean, they're classed as films.

-Yes.

-Yeah.

OK, your new movie... Your new movie The Double...

-Yes.

-..Michael Caine - is it THE Michael Caine? -

is listed as one of the executive producers?

-Yes, he is one of the executive producers.

-How did that happen?

He was in a cerebral accident...

..and he essentially signed the wrong form.

So it's a codified clerical error.

-Well, listen, the movie The Double, which opens tonight...

-Yes.

Noah? The Double? ..I'm glad I'm at work, I couldn't decide.

It is... Honestly, it's terrific.

It's a proper, you know... You don't think about you directing it,

but it's clear that it is a real vision.

Tell us about the story. It's based on the Dostoevsky novella.

Yeah, it's based on that and it's about a very lowly, um,

kind of put-upon, unconfident man.

I have no idea why I related to it.

And he's so unremarkable

that his exact double appears and no-one notices.

And, also, when he points it out to everyone else no-one even cares.

I thought that was a funny idea and kind of sad as well.

The main story is this kind of love story

between Jesse's character and Mia's character

that becomes this strange love triangle between

these doppelgangers and her.

The clip we have is Jesse Eisenberg playing both characters,

Simon and the double - James.

Yeah. We could have got Jedward, but...

..we realised that too late.

That would have been a VERY different film.

-Jesse's great in this.

-Yeah, he's great.

And this demonstrates the difference between the two characters.

I'll just... I'll have the Coke then, I guess.

A Coke. And you?

-Coffee.

-A coffee.

-And scrambled eggs.

-We don't serve breakfast in the evening.

-Why not?

-Cos it says so in the menu.

-Do you have eggs here?

-Yeah.

-And do you have a frying pan?

-Yeah.

-Then do me a favour and make me some scrambled eggs.

-Fine.

-Anything else?

-Bacon.

-Bacon.

-And toast.

-And toast.

-And a beer.

-And a beer. Anything else?

-No, that's it.

-Are you sure?

-Just give me the damn food.

What? I'm hungry.

It's good. Congratulations.

-SHE GASPS

-Go on.

-What?

The red chair?

-In a minute.

-Oh, OK.

-It looks good though. I want to see that.

-Oh, I see.

It's like ADD. Oh, red chair!

More wine!

-It has been sitting there the whole time we've been talking.

-Yeah.

-It didn't just arrive.

-See how perceptive I am?

-I know, really!

-How much I'm focused on you.

-It is music time. Kylie, what are you singing for us?

Into The Blue.

-Oh, lovely!

-Yeah.

Which is the first single off Kiss Me Once - the new album.

-Kiss Me Once... It's KM for Kylie Minogue.

-Yeah.

Oh, what's the "O" for?

Well, OK, Kylie Minogue. What are we going to...?

Go on. It'll get all the kids talking.

-What?

-Say "orgasm"? Yeah.

-OK.

Russ and I have had a little head-to-head about this.

-Yeah?

-And, by committee, it's...

..orgasm.

-Kylie Minogue's Orgasm?

-I'd never thought of that before.

We've just heard Kylie Minogue say the word

"orgasm".

-We were all here together for that.

-We were all here together.

And very quickly, the other big thing happening this weekend is

The Voice: Final.

Yes, with Miss Kylie Minogue.

Now, here's the story, are you doing it again?

Because we're being told you're not.

I don't know as of yet because I'm going on tour later in the year

and then following on next year as well.

All I can say is I enjoyed the experience.

It's not over yet. We have a weekend to go.

We have loved you on The Voice. You're great on it.

Thank you. As a life experience, it's really been something.

It challenged me and, you know, I know a lot more

than I did six months ago about that type of thing.

I won't even ask you who you want to win, obviously it's Jamie Johnson.

Obviously, but at this stage,

the fact that the nation knows the contestants' names,

you know, they have to go forth

and I think they're all winners at this stage.

They're not really, are they?

Well, OK! There's only one gold, but...

Them nice words, Kylie, but they're not true.

-There's three losers sitting there.

-OK.

Let's see how it's done.

-Kylie, would you like to go and get ready...

-Sure.

-..over there?

There she goes, wafting to the stage.

Shortly, we'll have our first stories

of the series in the big red chair.

But first, singing her hit single Into The Blue,

it is Kylie Minogue!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-KYLIE AND BACKING SINGERS:

-# Yo-oh-oh-oh

# Yo-oh-oh-oh... #

Are you going to do this one?

CHEERING Let me hear you.

# Yo-oh-oh-oh

# Yo-oh-oh-oh

# I drew the smile upon my face

# I paved the road that would one day leave me lonely

# No angel's too good to fall from grace

# If she lets go of whatever keeps her holy

# I'm still here holding on so tight

# To everything that I left behind

# I don't care if the world is mine

# Cos this is all I know

# When I got my back up against the wall

# Don't need no-one to rescue me

# Cos I ain't waiting up for no miracle

# Yeah, tonight I'm running free

# Into the blue

# Into the blue

# With nothing to lose

# Into the blue

# I'm not ashamed of all my mistakes

# Cos through the cold I still kept the fire burning

# These memories that I can't erase

# Always remind me I'm on an endless journey

# But I'm still here holding on so tight

# To everything that I left behind

# I don't care if the world is mine.

# Cos this is all I know

# When I got my back up against the wall

# Don't need no-one to rescue me

# Cos I ain't waiting up for no miracle

# Yeah, tonight I'm running free

# Into the blue

# Into the blue

# With nothing to lose

# Into the blue

# I'll go where nobody knows

# Wherever the wind is blowing

# Even if I'm alone

-# Yo-oh

-Yo-oh-oh-oh

-# Oh

-Yo-oh-oh-oh

# Yo-oh-oh

-# Yo

-Yo-oh-oh-oh

-# Oh-oh

-Yo-oh-oh-oh

# When I got my back up against the wall

# Don't need no-one to rescue me

# Cos I ain't waiting up for no miracle

# Yeah, tonight I'm running free

# Into the blue

-# Into the blue

-Into the blue

# With nothing to lose.

# Into blue. #

Whoo!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Kylie Minogue! Oh!

Fantastic job. Mwah! Come and sit down.

Now... Beautiful.

Where shall I sit?

-Over here. Now then, some...

-I have to talk to you about something.

-What?

-We need to swap seats.

This is the only reason I do this show.

-All right.

-Thank you, sweetheart.

-See.

-OK.

-You can keep your lever.

Yeah, go do it.

Scooch up, cos I know you love this part as well.

Yeah, Cameron, come down.

It's time for the red chair. Let's see who's there.

-Hello, nice lady.

-Hello!

-Hi!

-OK, good luck. Er, what's your name?

-My name's Emma.

-Emma, where are you from?

-Epsom in Surrey.

-Epsom in Surrey!

WHOOPING

-Home of the bath salts.

-Yeah.

-What do you do in Epsom?

-I run a corporate entertainment company.

-Really?

Whatever. OK.

Off you go with your story.

About 10 or 11 years ago, my then boyfriend

and I were having a chat about our freebie list,

which is the list of five celebrities that you can shag

with the partner not minding at all.

We had a big debate about it.

My boyfriend took about a month to come up with his,

lots of different drafts.

That's weird when people take it THAT seriously,

like it's going to happen(!)

Five months, I really mustn't waste these chances.

It just so happens, I actually have it.

I typed it up and laminated it for him, of course.

-OK.

-And he's now he's my husband and he's in the audience.

And number one

is Kylie Minogue.

So, what do you think, Kylie?

You have my blessing.

A laminated one! Wow!

We need to see this man.

Let's see him. Where is he? Where is he?

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, there he is!

-Oh, he's up there.

-Oh.

Oh, what?

Say goodbye to your wife.

Does everybody get the lever?

-Everyone?

-No, some people...

Well, tonight, everyone will get the lever.

In fact, I'm surprised she lasted as long as she did.

Well, last time I didn't let anybody get to the second sentence.

Didn't you flip someone, like a nurse or something last time,

I seem to remember?

I flip them all, Graham.

-I take no prisoners.

-I know. I can see. I see it.

Let's see who's next. Who's next?

Hi, I'm Daniela from Essex.

-Oh, my God!

-What?

-We may not have enough people for this.

I feel the rest of the show will go quite quickly now.

OK, one final one. One final one.

Here we go. Hello. Now...

Now...

You can't.

Now. Hello, madam. What's your name?

-My name's Pam. I'm from Hull - City of Culture 2017.

-City of Culture. Well done,

-you're on message. Do you live in Hull?

-Yes.

Are you just down for this or do you come down to London often?

-No, I'm here with my sister for three days.

-Three days.

What else are you doing?

-We've been to see Phantom.

-Lovely.

Can I just say, it was more opera-y than I was expecting.

Was there more opera in it than you thought there'd be?

-No, we've seen it before.

-Oh, I see.

No surprises for Pam.

OK, Pam, start your story, but I would brace yourself.

My husband had to have an angiogram,

-and the letter from the hospital said...

-Incoming. Incoming!

-..he had to have his pubic hair shaved.

-Ooh!

I offered to do it with my lady shaver,

which he enjoyed more than I did.

Next day, when I picked him up from the hospital,

the procedure had been changed

and you no longer put the wire in the groin,

it just went in your hand.

So he didn't need to be shaved at all.

-Shall we let her walk?

-You can walk.

You can walk! You can walk! You can walk!

-APPLAUSE

-Have a nice time in London, Pam.

Well done, everyone.

If you'd like to join us on the show and have a go at the red chair,

contact us via our website at this very address:

Ladies and gentleman, please thank my guests.

-Richard Ayoade!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Cameron Diaz!

Russell Crowe!

And Kylie Minogue!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Join me next week with singer-songwriter Paolo Nutini,

The Amazing Spider-Man stars Andrew Garfield

and Emma Stone, and Oscar-winner Jamie Foxx.

I'll see you then. Good night! Bye-bye!

APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING