Episode 2 The Graham Norton Show

On the show tonight we've got the stars

of The Amazing Spider-Man 2. Can't stop! Ahh!

Ooh!

Ooh, ow! Here I come!

-CHEERING

-Let's start the show!

APPLAUSE

-Oh, oh, oh! Oh, I can't...

-APPLAUSE

Oh...

Oh, I'm sweating.

I'm sweating, ladies and gentlemen.

We've got a web-tastic show for you tonight.

Star of Never Let Me Go and The Social Network,

-Andrew Garfield is on the show! Yes!

-CHEERING

From The Help and Crazy, Stupid, Love,

-Emma Stone is here!

-CHEERING

Oscar-winning star of Ray, Jamie Foxx is here!

CHEERING

Plus we've got music from the brilliant Paolo Nutini!

CHEERING

Oh... I tell you, I'm jealous.

Dressing up as Spider-Man, that's quite good fun.

You get all the kit now, you can buy everything. Look at that.

Hang on, does it work?

Yay! It's good, right?

Looks a little dry, doesn't it? Like I'm running out.

Sorry. Sorry. I am 51. Now...

LAUGHTER

It's taken it out of me.

By the way, if you want to know

where I got this Spider-Man gadget from, it's available on the "web"!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'll be talking to Jamie Foxx about all his different looks -

he's always so cool, though, isn't he?

Whether he's sporting an afro,

or corn rows, or even the comb-over.

That is Jamie in the new Spider-Man movie

before he becomes the supervillain Electro.

Yeah, Electro is a man

with electricity coursing through his whole body.

It's very cool, it's a very cool thing,

but it means you've got to be very careful posing for pictures.

Fine for Spider-Man, you know, lovely, lovely.

But if Electro picks up a baby...

Oooh!

Now, in the movie Emma Stone, of course,

falls in love with Spider-Man, she does.

And it can happen in real life, you know, that beautiful woman

married a daddy-longlegs, do you remember that?

Mm-hmm, yeah.

D'you know, in the wild, spiders are always having sex.

I suppose that's why they look so happy.

"Yay, sex!"

That's a real spider - well, I'm told, I don't know,

but they told me it was.

It could be, because in the animal kingdom,

it's full of happy creatures -

happy fish...

happy elephants... Aw!

Even happy frogs.

And, of course, some animals are less happy.

"Stupid animal pictures!"

Now, I'm going to be asking Emma if it's true

that the mere mention of the Spice Girls reduces her to tears.

That's her on a radio station

just before they played her a surprise message from a Spice Girl,

and then look what happened.

She actually burst into tears - she did! And, of course,

the Spice Girls can make some people very emotional.

I remember when Victoria announced she was going to leave the band

to set up her own recording studio at home. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

That was a blue Monday, wasn't it, yeah. That's all to come,

plus more of your stories from the big red chair.

So, let's get some guests on!

Later we'll be having music from Paolo Nutini!

CHEERING

But first, he's a real live wire, it's Jamie Foxx!

CHEERING

There he is. Hi, how are you?

Say hi, people.

Jamie Foxx is here!

She rocks, it's Emma Stone!

CHEERING

-Emma Stone!

-Yay!

-Emma Stone!

-Yay!

-Hello, darling, hello.

Mwah, mwah!

And there are no flies on him - it's Andrew Garfield!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Hello, sir, lovely to see you.

Sit yourself down. Oh!

All right.

Welcome, all.

Oh, did you miss the wine order?

I just ordered some water.

You're having red wine on a talk show?!

-It's cool, this is cool.

-Cool.

Urban drink.

Now, Andrew, I'm slightly disappointed now

that you're not in the outfit,

because you do show up at things in the outfit.

Do I... Yes, I do sometimes. Yes. I'm very...

I'm a fan. I love being Spider-Man.

I'm 30, I'm embarrassed about it!

I adore it. My first-ever Halloween costume when I was three

was a mother-made Spider-Man costume, by my mother.

I think we've got a picture of that.

-There, look at him.

-AUDIENCE: Aw.

How amazing is my costume? My mum is amazing.

She made both those costumes for me and my brother.

My brother's Superman and I'm Spider-Man. For my mother.

-APPLAUSE

-How amazing.

It's kind of amazing she made the outfit,

it's more amazing that little boy is now actually Spider-Man.

That's nuts! I love it.

You must be exhausted, you've been everywhere.

-You've been to China?

-Yes.

It's amazing what Spider-Man does.

It's your second time on the Spider-Man trip,

it was my first time, and I don't know if he saw this,

but people cried when they saw it.

Like, people... You know. And it was just amazing.

And then there was a girl crying next to me

and she said something in, like, Japanese...

-In Japan or China?

-It was in China, I'm sorry.

-So she was speaking Japanese in China. Got it.

-No, it was Chinese.

-It was a foreign lingo.

-It was a foreign language.

She was sitting there crying

and I thought, you know, it was cos she'd seen my movies and stuff,

but the guy said she's saying, "You're standing on my foot."

LAUGHTER

And, Emma, didn't you have some cultural education in China?

Well, we went to a temple which was completely beautiful,

-we went to this...

-In the Forbidden City.

In the Forbidden City there was a temple

that the king had used to worship all of his ancestors and...

That was beautiful, yeah.

And while we were at the temple we went to the bathroom

and there was a woman pooping in the ground.

-She was doing what?

-She was pooping in the ground.

And this is apparently common

and they warn you about it in the guide books.

Was she pooping in a hole?

-She was pooping in a toilet on the ground in a bathroom.

-Oh, I see.

I had a vision, she just said, "I need to go."

-It was a toilet, but it was just in the ground.

-It went somewhere.

-It went somewhere, it went somewhere.

-It was spiritual.

-It was a spiritual experience.

-There was no flush.

-Getting the demons out.

-No, it was a...

I feel like I made it sound like she was just pooping on the ground.

You did! That's what you said!

-You said she was just pooping on the ground!

-Yeah, I was not clear.

-Sorry. There was a toilet in the ground.

-OK.

There was a toilet in the ground.

So she wasn't in a little cubicle, that's kind of more shocking...

No, she was but the door was... She just had the door propped open...

What does she look... That's kind of...

-Yeah, like that.

-I mean, what's her face look like?

I feel like this story sounds really impressive.

I don't really want to do the face.

I feel bad I even told the story, kind of, Beijing was beautiful.

She doesn't watch this show, she's not going to be bothered.

And as you go round, I heard you, Emma, on the radio saying

that you only saw the movie for the first time a couple of days ago.

Yeah. I'm in cold sweats about my story from before.

-Is that because you don't like seeing...

-My Chinese story.

-Oh, God.

-Let it go. Literally walk away.

I'm sorry we're returning to it, but I just regret telling it.

Who says that word on national TV multiple times?

-Poop, poop, poop, poop, it's fine.

-All right.

-I want you to know that I love China.

-It would have been better in conjunction with the word "toilet".

-I should have said "toilet"!

-Yeah.

-OK.

It was the woman on the ground that left us all a bit...oh.

I wish I could retell it to my parents so you'd all know how I'm feeling.

But is it true you...?

So you hate telling pooping-on-the-ground stories,

and you hate watching yourself in movies.

-Yeah.

-She hates a lot of things!

Um, yeah, I don't... I don't...it's not...

I don't like thinking about my facial expressions,

it's nice if you can just enjoy making the movie.

But didn't Michelle Obama force you to watch...was it The Help?

She didn't FORCE us to watch it, but we were watching...

She was incredibly aggressive.

LAUGHTER

Get in there!

Get in there and watch your movie! You're at the White House.

But yes, she had a screening and it was Octavia, Spencer and I

-and it was pretty amazing.

-I never got...

You didn't even get an invitation?

No, and I'm African-American.

LAUGHTER

-It hurt.

-Wow!

You played Ray Charles.

-You would think...

-You'd think, Oscar, Ray Charles, hello?

I want to play the first Black President, you know...

-It seems like a ticket to the White House right there.

-Right there.

-AS OBAMA:

-And if there's any indication...

-Very good!

-That's my Obama.

-Can you do more?

And if there's any indication that, er, America is not the most incredible country in the world.

And yes, we are.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Actually, talking of voices, Jamie, your voice, as Electro...

-Yes.

-Is that you? I mean...

It's me, but it's also dialled in

with some mechanical stuff.

But when I was working on the voice,

there was a lot of Clint Eastwood.

You know, cos Clint Eastwood's, "Go ahead, make my day."

So I wanted to be down, like the ending,

also, I don't know if they'll appreciate this, Alec Baldwin.

I know it sounds weird.

Alec Baldwin is the great whisperer

cos every time he does...

(WHISPERING) "You talk like this in the movies."

So I used a bit of that to sort of grab

what my character would sound like.

And then they do that brilliant thing with that of...

-What is that called?

-It's sort of like, um...

It's an app that they have...

LAUGHTER

-It's an app that they have.

-A supervillain app.

You know what? It's a supervillain app.

Actually it's an app on the computer that they use

to detune your voice and make it sort of menacing.

-We've got a thing on this microphone.

-Yeah.

-Is this...?

-So it's like... (DEEP VOICE) Is it on?

-Yes!

Yes, yes!

-Yes!

-She likes it.

(DEEP VOICE) I'm sorry for the poops.

LAUGHTER

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

If I could take it back...

I would.

LAUGHTER

Do a bit of Electro for us.

(DEEP VOICE) Itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout.

Down came Electro

and wiped the spider out.

How cool is that?

So listen, The Amazing Spider-Man 2,

it opens next Wednesday, the 16th.

I've seen it, it's great.

It's everything you want a Spider-Man movie to be.

-Whoo!

-It is, it's a blast, it's a ride.

Emotional, it's everything.

Whoo!

Whoo! Spider-Man!

Spider-Man!

AUDIENCE: Spider-Man! Spider-man!

-Spider...

-Spider-Man!

Let's just do that for 40 minutes and drink wine.

Cheers.

I don't know if I should encourage it.

So listen, we're going to watch a clip to get us in the mood.

This is Spider-Man and Electro facing off in Times Square.

This is the first time you meet, as Electro, in Times Square.

-You were there too?

-Yes.

What's going on with me?

I can see that... I can believe you.

Strange.

I feel like I got so much of this.

I got so much anger.

I can see that, I can see you don't want to be here.

I can see you're scared, you don't know what's happening to you.

I can see you don't want to hurt anybody.

-It's going to be all right.

-Got a clear shot, standing by.

-I don't want them shooting me any more.

-I won't shoot you.

You guys, this is my buddy Matt. I told you about Matt.

No-one shoots at Matt.

You and me, it's just you and me talking.

Whoa! Stay there, just be careful.

The grate is the electricity.

I just...

I just wanted everyone to see me.

He makes a move, you take that shot.

How about you come with me, we'll go somewhere and talk,

away from all these people, OK?

Yeah.

No, don't!

Oh, sweet Jesus!

-APPLAUSE

-Whoo!

-Wow!

-That is some poopy stuff.

Listen, Spider-Man and his arch-enemies, they all start off

as ordinary people, then something happens to them

to give them special powers, so you get bitten by a genetic...

No, radioactive spider.

-A mutated spider.

-Mutated spider, yeah.

Oh, yeah, all over it.

And I don't want to give too much away about Electro,

but, well, it's a knife and a toaster.

LAUGHTER

No, it's better than that, a lot better.

So, we asked our audience of ordinary people...

I'm not exaggerating - seriously, look at them.

If they had any special abilities that they could reveal to us.

-Ooh!

-Oh!

And we do have... We have some now.

Hands up, the special abilities people.

Special abilities people?

Oh, yes. Some people are putting up two hands, they're really special.

Are you a special person? Are you?

Oh, stand up. What's your name?

-Sue.

-Sue. It doesn't seem special, but let's find out.

Your special power, Sue?

(DONALD DUCK VOICE) Hello, Graham, you're my superhero.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's fabulous.

Well done, Sue. Anyone else?

-Hi, what's your name?

-Sam.

Sam, what's... Oh, stand up, do.

I haven't seen a velour top in years.

LAUGHTER

That's fabulous.

What's your superpower?

I've got a really stretchy face.

GROANS

It's quite stretchy.

And you're young, of course, you're young.

Oh, more over here.

-Hello, stand up.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-I'm Annika.

Oh, and your superpower is very posh?

Er, no, not at all.

What is it?

I can fit my whole fist in my mouth.

Most people can do that, can't they?

Old lady there going, "No. I've been asked, but no."

Off you go.

Can I just say, are you from a nice family?

I am, they're going to be very disappointed in me.

Disappointed. They're going to be very disappointed.

"Yes, we saw your daughter on the television."

OK, off you go. It's...

I don't know... This will be shown.

Just to warn you, just to warn you,

when you get married, if you get married...

-That won't happen after this.

-Well, it might do.

LAUGHTER

This will be shown...

This will be shown at the reception.

So it's up to you.

-I am ashamed, but I have to do it.

-OK, do it.

Oh, wow! She can do it!

-Hello, what's your name?

-Sarah.

-What can you do, Sarah?

I can turn into Chewbacca.

-She can turn into Chewbacca.

-Yeah.

-OK.

Let's see it.

Microphone?

IMITATES CHEWBACCA

-APPLAUSE

-That was really good.

I like that a lot.

That was a gem.

Well done, very good.

Now, talking of special powers, Andrew?

-Yes.

-As you grew up, I think it's fair to say

that Andrew Garfield took British gymnastics by storm.

Now... No, were you...?

No, were you Olympic standard?

No, I wasn't Olympic standard!

You won competitions, didn't you?

I won a bronze medal in the under-12s...

United Kingdom Schools event.

Hello?!

-That's bad...

-That's a big deal.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-That's a big deal.

I loved it, though. I mean...

-Is that how you do...?

-You've got to stick the landing.

Got to stick the landing. Yeah, do the landing.

-Why did you give up?

-There was a big, fat man who was my coach,

-and he would sit on my back when I was doing the splits.

-What?!

-That doesn't sound right.

-It was rough.

-Yeah.

-That could damage a boy.

-I was eight years old.

There's a point in adolescence where you'd just have to stop that.

Yeah. I had the strength to say "no more".

Here's the weird thing. People know how successful you are as an actor.

You did try a lot of things before that.

Like, I've never had someone on the couch before

who at one point was considering being a professional skateboarder.

OK, yeah.

-No?

-I mean, I considered it.

I considered it, but I was nowhere near good enough.

-So it took you a while to find your acting.

-It did, I was very lost.

But some people - born to perform.

Cos Emma's story, we can say this now

because you are incredibly successful.

But looking at pictures of you acting when you were younger,

you don't look like God's gift to the craft.

Thank you so much, Graham!

-Here's you in some of your earlier roles.

-What?!

-This is...

-OK, that is transformative.

I'm 13 there and I look like I'm 100.

You were the Daniel Day-Lewis of school productions.

Here you are as Tweedledum... or Tweedledee.

-I was Tweedledum.

-Of course, silly me.

-That's me on the right.

This next picture is one of the creepiest weirdest things.

-Is this Otter from Wind In The Willows?

-This is Otter.

And whatever you think the costume is going to be like,

-look at that!

-I was 11. Yeah, they gave me chest hair.

So...because I was a male...

-I was a male otter and apparently...

-Doesn't make any sense.

-No.

But it was to distinguish that I was male.

-Amazing.

-I was 11.

-Thanks so much for showing that.

-It's cheap, but weird.

APPLAUSE

I've...I've brought it all back.

-Jamie, so, you did the stand-up, you did the music.

-Yep.

But then, I want to come to the acting.

-Now, was the first big audition for Any Given Sunday?

-First audition

for Any Given Sunday with Oliver Stone,

which was... which was...

crazy because when I did the audition, he...

After I did my audition,

he says, "Well, you're just terrible, aren't you?"

And I was like, "What?" And he says, "Yeah, you, you, you,

"you stink."

-LAUGHTER

-And I was like, "What?"

And as I'm walking out, he is writing in his tablet,

he says, "Jamie Foxx, slave to television."

And, so, I leave, and I say, "I don't want to deal with this dude."

And then, I get a call that says "He actually wants you to come back

"for the agent part, he likes you."

I come back and I'm pissed, I'm like, "Yo, man,

"I was really pissed at how you said I was this."

He says, "Yeah, well, I need someone to play the lead part because someone else

"was going to play it and they fell out, we need you to play it."

He says, "But you've got to get better." I said, "What do you mean?"

He says, "You're a television actor.

"And television actors are loud,

"while movies is more, you know, subtle."

So I couldn't get it right.

But what I did was, as opposed to doing all of the readings,

I was playing quarterback on this football team, this young,

black cocky quarterback,

so I went and made a video tape of me as the quarterback.

And we did this whole like... I made up this practice session and

-we made up a song because my name was Willie Beamen.

-# My name is... #

Yeah. Yeah, yeah! So, I made up the song.

-# My name is Willie

-BOTH: Willie Beamen

-# I keep the ladies

-BOTH: Screaming. #

LAUGHTER

And we turn it into him and...

-# You're dreaming... #

-Dreaming, what?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But, uh...

So I ended up getting the part because of the tape.

But I learned about being a television actor and even

to the point where I actually went to audition for Jerry Maguire.

And the story with that, Tom Cruise was doing Jerry Maguire.

So the guy sees me read in LA and he says,

"I want you to go and read for a TC in New York." I said, "Who?" "TC!"

I said, "I don't know who..."

"Tom Cruise." I went, "Oh, Tom Cruise." So, I go to read,

but as I'm reading, I'm loud. "Show me the money!"

Know what I mean!

-Right?

-LAUGHTER

That is all I'm saying. "Show ME the money!" And, so, Tom...

That's good. I thought that was great.

And then the way Tom Cruise reads his line, it was like this.

HE MOUTHS

So I thought he lost his place.

Cos I couldn't hear. So I said, "We're right here."

He says, "I know. I said the line. I'm waiting on you." I'm like, "Oh!"

LAUGHTER

So now, I'm sweating.

I'm like, "I lost my place, I went blind."

Anyway, I didn't get the part.

And, you know, of course, Cuba Gooding got the part

and he won an Oscar. But I had to learn how to bring it down.

And then, later on, I did Collateral with Tom Cruise

and then got nominated for an Oscar.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Same year. You won.

-Yeah.

-Double nomination.

-Yeah.

I like the story, though... I like the story of

you learning that Tom Cruise was the star.

Oh, yeah, that was the other thing.

When I did get in Collateral, you know,

I was sort of like... Michael Mann was like, "Hey, you better keep your stuff together

"because I'm making sure this movie works for the big star."

And this is how I knew I wasn't a big star.

We're in the car and we're driving,

we're supposed to do this stunt where I crash into another car.

Right? But it's supposed to be a stunt.

But what happens is the car gets out of control

and I actually do crash into the car.

And when they get there,

they're like, "Jamie, get out of the way! Tom! Are you OK?"

LAUGHTER

And that's why you know where you are.

Andrew, do you have that now?

Because, you know, you're Spider-Man,

which is... That's a... You know, it's not just a franchise,

you are the keeper of the keys. So are you allowed to do anything?

Are you wrapped in cotton wool now?

Am I wrapped in cotton wool?

Um, no, I don't allow it.

I don't allow that.

I think that there might be some vain attempt at that,

because, you know, if I die, that's...

LAUGHTER

Outside of the personal tragedy,

it could cost the studio a lot of money.

He never takes the mask off again.

"There's some Hotpoint. Oh, it's stuck."

"Oh, I can't!"

Just like old voice recording of me from previous films,

-different accents patched together.

-You've to take care of you, brother.

No, you do not, no, you do not.

Hey, buddy, we don't get...

LAUGHTER

See what I mean? It's like... APPLAUSE

It ain't show friends, it's show business.

You know what I'm saying, you don't show up.

LAUGHTER

But I will say this, once you guys see the film, the chemistry

that these two have between them is just, I mean, it's sort of...

You're there to see Spider-Man and all the web and the flying and saving people and all of that,

But they have a love story that to me, it touched me.

Well, we've got a little clip.

This is that chemistry between the two of you.

-That's all we need to know.

-HE SCOFFS

LAUGHTER

-Who's that guy?

-It was an accident and they're covering it up.

Is that it? This is the maintenance closet.

This is the most cliched hiding place you could have chosen.

Oh, I'm sorry I didn't take us to the Bahamas of hiding places.

Listen...

-You just kissed me.

-How did you like it?

-It felt a little bit rushed.

-I know. This is the plan. You get the elevator and I distract him, OK?

-OK.

-Ooh!

-God.

-I'm so... I've just spilt that all over you.

I didn't do that. Oh! And you too?

-Stay right there!

-Wait, wait, wait!

-Hey!

All right. I'm sorry, I'm all thumbs today. Whoo!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Now, here's the thing. Emma, for you,

what is the hold that the Spice Girls have over you?

-Is this real?

-Yes, it's real!

And I just feel like I have been talking more

about the Spice Girls on this press tour than I have about the movie.

-That is because you wept in Australia!

-I know. I wept.

-Did you really weep?

-I really did.

-Which one was talking to you?

-Mel B.

And was she really talking to you or was it a message?

-No, it was a video message on an iPad.

-And that made you cry?

-Yes!

-Were you jet-lagged?

-Yes!

But I also... You don't understand... You DO understand,

we're in the UK. I was... I was a fiend.

I was obsessed with the Spice Girls.

And they taught me about girl power.

And I LOVE them! I think they're fantastic.

What's the song?

There are so many, Jamie. There are so many.

-# Colours of the world

-Spice up your life

-# Every boy and every girl

-Spice up your life. #

There are so many, and they're so fantastic.

And, today, on the radio, Mel C talked to me over Skype.

-Oh, wow!

-So, it's really very exciting.

OK, who would you say is your favourite Spice Girl?

-Emma Bunton. Baby Spice.

-Your favourite?

-She's my favourite.

-Who's next?

-LAUGHTER

Don't do that!

Just a question.

-All of the other four.

-LAUGHTER

So, Emma Bunton.

Well, Emma Bunton was the one that... I had blonde hair and bangs

and my name, obviously, is... now Emma, my name WAS Emily

but it was taken

-when I became an actor.

-LAUGHTER

Um, and so... Now it's Emma and, yeah, I love...

So one gave you a video message and one talked to you on Skype.

-Yes.

-Are you telling me you've never met a Spice Girl?

-Are you going to do something?

-Are you going to do something?

-Have you never met a Spice Girl?

Wait, hold on. I have to mentally prepare myself.

Have you never met a Spice Girl?

-Not in the flesh.

-OK.

-Now, as you know...

-Don't!

As you know, as you know, Emma,

it's very rare for more than one Spice Girl to appear together...

WHOOPING

..for any reason

at all.

DRUM ROLL

So they're not here.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We tried!

We tried.

Emma Bunton's on holidays.

-Just forget it.

-Honestly.

-Just forget it.

-Geri Halliwell...

Geri Halliwell's phone is disconnected.

I rang her and it was like, "This number is no longer in use."

Hilarious.

-All right.

-You'll meet them.

-Some day.

I got really excited.

Posh is busy.

Just as good, though, that was just as good.

-That was pretty close.

-And quicker.

It was a lot quicker, yeah.

But actually, weirdly, Andrew Garfield,

you too have a Spice Girl connection.

No, I don't!

-Yes, you do.

-Where are you getting this from?

Didn't someone, didn't a lovely lady...

a lovely lady, didn't she ask you out through the medium of...

the Spice Girls' music?

-Yes.

-Thank you very much.

How did you know that?

-You must have told somebody.

-Only my deeply intimate friends.

Somebody blabbed.

This is...this is kind of a hard story for me, actually.

-Oh, no, sorry!

-This was my first love.

- AUDIENCE: Aww! - Yeah. And her name was Sarah.

Aww!

Yeah, and we... She asked me out and it was...

I was getting picked up by my mum at school

and I was 13 and she said... she was singing...

# If you wanna be my lover You gotta get with my friends... #

Then she said, "Do you wanna be my lover?"

She was very tall, much taller than me.

-And she was very beautiful.

-I'm sure.

And I...and I said, "Yeah, all right."

LAUGHTER And she was like,

"I'm having a gathering of people at my house tonight.

"Just a small group of people."

I said, "All right, yeah. Am I invited?"

And she was like, "Yeah, are you coming?" I was like, "Yeah, OK."

So I went, and four hours later she broke up with me.

-Aww!

-She dumped me for some bloke at Epsom College.

-Oh!

-AUDIENCE BOOS

-No, no, it's OK now.

-Have you seen...

Have you seen Sarah since?

DRUM ROLL

Don't do it, don't do it!

-No, no, no.

-Come on out, Sarah.

-Come on out.

-That would be ridiculous.

Yeah, yeah, no, course, I was 13 at a party at school. It still hurts.

-I was obsessed with her for a long time.

-Here's the thing,

Jamie, great musician, you must have used your music

at some time to woo a woman.

I'd be... I'd use whatever I could... Whatever.

LAUGHTER

I'd use whatever I've got, baby.

I have to say, listen, this is one of my favourite songs.

This is Storm. Listen to this, listen how hot this is.

# Lights out like a power outage

# Cos of the lightning in your bedspring showers

# I can feel the mist every time we kissed... #

There's almost a Spider-Man link because it starts off with...

"Lights out like a power outage."

# Lights out like a power outage... #

CHEERING

# ..Cos of the lightning in your bedspring showers

# I could feel the mist every time we kissed

# Just didn't know a downpour like this

# There's a flash flood warning

# Will it bring rain in the morning?

# And there'll be puddles in the bed... #

I don't want to get too....

-CHEERING

-Now wait...

-No, wait, let me finish.

-There are questions to be asked.

The words were... # There'll be puddles in the bed

# The weatherman said. #

Yeah, but...why were there puddles in the bed?

Was she an older lady?

Oh!

LAUGHTER

Listen, I've got the lyrics. "Girl, the weatherman said

"it's cloudy skies right there between your thighs."

LAUGHTER

"I want it soakin' wet all over the bed."

-Do you sing these lyrics?!

-He wrote them!

-Hey, man...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Hey, it sounds much better when you sing 'em.

You just can't READ the lyrics.

They'll sound a little crazy.

OK, it is time for music.

This is one of the brightest stars to emerge in the last few years,

he's now found global success and is back with a brand-new album.

Performing his current single Scream, Funk My Life Up,

please welcome Paolo Nutini!

CHEERING

# Na-na, na-na-na

# Na-na, na-na

# Yeah, how was I to know you'd just come along?

# And funk my life up

# Lips like they've been singing sexed-up strawberry songs

# Just funk my life up

# Never heard her coming Thought it was just another woman

# With a shotgun in her hand

# Funk my life up

# She's the bass, she's the beat She's the rhythm, she's the band

# Just funk my life up

# Oh, that girl, so fine

# Makes you wanna scream hallelujah

# Hey-ey-ey-ey-ey

# Yeah-eh-eh-eh

# Sly hands, spinning webs like silk

# Beats are dripping on me like spider milk

# And I never heard the warning when I woke up this morning

# With my sunshine on a drip

# She's my rock, she's my bud She's tequila, she's a trip

# And that girl, so fine

# Makes you wanna scream hallelujah

# Yeah-eh-eh-eh

# Yeah-eh-eh-eh

# How could I refuse? I'm not fit to choose

# Just funk my life up

# Said the only way I win is the way I lose

# Just funk my life up

# And I never got the script I unzipped

# Got a little bit of wet up in my brain

# Just funk my life up

# She's your church, she's your sin She's atomic, she's the...

# Oh, she's the rain

# Yeah-eh-eh-eh-eh

# And that girl, so fine

# Makes you wanna scream

# Heyyyyyy!

# Heyyyyy!

# Yeah, yeah

# She gets me silly She's like a trick on me

# Hell, I don't even know her name

# But yet she sticks to me

# And in the climax She would scream with me

# Oh, yeah, she sticks to me

# She gets me funny She doesn't want none of my money

# So I pour it over her like gasoline

# Light a match and then I'm back in my teens

# Me and super girl smoking my green

# Me and super girl smoking my green

# Unload, reload

# Eyes back swing

# Sweet thing, knows things

# Jeff Beck sings

# Roundhouse, knock-down, let's go!

# And the girl's so fine

# Makes you wanna scream hallelujah

# Hallelujah!

# Yeah, the girl, so fine

# Makes you wanna scream

# Yeah-eh-eh-eh-eh

# Yeah-eh-eh-eh-eh

# Yeah-eh-eh-eh-eh

# Yeah-eh-eh-eh-eh. #

CHEERING

-GRAHAM:

-Woo!

Thank you.

Paolo Nutini, everybody!

Come and join me. Very good, beautiful. Come and meet Jamie Foxx.

-Good job.

-Good to see you again, sir.

Emma Stone, Andrew Garfield, Paolo Nutini.

Paolo Nutini.

-PROJECTS HIS VOICE:

-Paolo Nutini!

-AUDIENCE: Woo!

-Where do I go...anywhere?

-Sit, it's all lovely.

You've got all the wine. ANDREW: You can share this, it's fine.

That is the new album, Caustic Love,

which is out...next Monday?

-Monday the 14th.

-Yes.

Sounding great, looking great. Are you enjoying...

Cos I remember when I first met you, you were loving doing the gigs

and stuff, but you were less fond of all this hoo-ha nonsense,

are you enjoying that more?

I'm not used to it at all, I've not been doing much of this, man.

GRAHAM LAUGHS

Last three years I've been keeping myself to myself.

-You did kind of vanish for a while.

-Yes, yes.

-What were you doing?

I know it's none of my business, but...

LAUGHTER

I was wandering, wandering around looking for adventure.

-Did you find it?

-Yeah, I found a fair bit of it, yeah.

AUDIENCE: Woo!

APPLAUSE

I think you found a lot of adventure.

So listen, good luck with the album, I can't wait to get

my hands on it, cos I haven't got my free copy yet - just saying.

Before we go tonight, just time for a story or two

in the red chair. Who's there?

-Hello!

-Hello!

-What's your name?

-Wendy.

-And where do you live?

-Torquay, in Devon.

-Oh, beautiful, beautiful.

-UNDER HIS VOICE:

-I dunno.

LAUGHTER

-And what do you do in Torquay?

-I have a bed and breakfast.

-It's classic, Torquay.

-We'll come and stay.

-No, you're not, Jamie.

-I'm shutting that down right now.

-It's a boutique B&B, Graham.

A boutique B&B, lovely(!)

-Lovely.

-That means the sink's in the room.

All right, off you go with your story.

A few years I had a young couple staying with me after their wedding.

So I said, "There's only really one rule in the house,

"and that's whatever happens, there's no sex in the house,

"because if I'm not getting it, nobody's getting it."

So the next morning they came down for breakfast

and they were quite upset, and they said,

"Look, we're really sorry, but we're going to have to move out."

And I said, "Why's that?"

So they said, "We broke your rule last night."

And I felt so awful that I had to let them

stay for free for the whole four days.

-Aww.

-AUDIENCE: Aww.

We'll let her walk? We'll let her walk. You can walk.

Idiots.

Unless, when she got into the room, she was going to discover that...

-Broken pictures, lamps turned over.

-Puddles everywhere.

Puddles on the bed!

Oh, yeah, puddles. "The weatherman said..."

LAUGHTER

GRAHAM LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

A high tide in Torquay.

-Who's next? Hello, sir.

-Hi. Hi, Graham.

-What's your name, sir?

-Robert.

-What do you do for a living, Robert?

-I'm a butler.

-A butler?!

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-Actual butler, ohh.

And do you work with a team, or do you just show up yourself?

Generally it's individual, working on an individual basis,

but often you meet other butlers you know from the circuit.

LAUGHTER

Is "butler" a euphemism for something?

"I'm a, eh, 'butler.' "

"Your every 'need.' "

Off you go with your story, sir.

My story is, when I was a butler beforehand,

I used to be for a noble family,

and my duties would be run the bath, prepare the clothes.

And on this occasion I went round to my boss's room,

knocked on the door very loudly, he didn't respond, so I went in

-and he was masturbating.

-Ooh!

GASPS

-Can I ask a question?

-Yes.

Isn't there, like, a...? Can you tell stories like that?

That's not a story, that's just a thing that happened!

-How awful.

-He must find him doing it

all the time, isn't that the point of a butler?

Yeah, cos he was kind of calm, the way he delivered it.

It was something else he was going to say that was exciting.

"He was masturbating, and then..."

"A horse wandered out of the bathroom."

-Shall we try one more? Hello.

-Hi, Graham.

-What's your name?

-My name's Nigel.

-Lovely, and where do you hail from, Nigel?

I hail from 100 yards up the road on the South Bank.

-Oh, right. Do you live there?

-I do.

-Oh, right, very good.

Presumably you work in London as well?

No, I'm now a retired estate agent,

but please don't hold that against me.

Wait a minute - how much money did you make?

-I married well, Graham.

-Ohhhh.

-Fantastic. Oh, you don't...?

-Pull the lever.

-Do it, Andrew, you can.

You have the power, Andrew, you're right there.

AUDIENCE SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT No, no. no.

No, no, no, no.

OK, this is much cleaner. I had a vasectomy, erm...

LAUGHTER

-Go on, Andrew.

-No, but maybe it was for health reasons!

It was a vasectomy,

and I remember getting a call from the hospital a few months afterwards

saying can I please produce a sample and take it in,

because they wanted to confirm that the operation had worked.

So I was in the office at the time, and I went out the back

of the office with property magazines.

He's the one that was masturbating.

It's the same story!

And I produced my sample, put it in a little pot

and put it in my breast pocket...

And your butler walked in.

I had to keep it warm, uh...

I did the deed and ran quickly

across the local Sainsbury's car park to the hospital,

but didn't realise the lid of the jar had come off.

AUDIENCE: Eugh!

I got to the hospital and the nurse looked at me

with a huge smile on her face, realised what had happened,

and said, "I'm sorry, you're going to have to come again, sir."

Wahey!

You can walk, go on.

Great job.

Boom-boom. Well done, everyone.

If you'd like to join us on the show

and have a go on the red chair, you can.

Just contact us via the website at this very address.

Thank you to my guests tonight - Paolo Nutini!

Jamie Foxx!

Emma Stone!

And Mr Andrew Garfield!

Join us next week, we've got music from Imelda May,

Oscar-winning actress Juliette Binoche,

Office genius Ricky Gervais and comedy legend Mr Ronnie Corbett.

I'll see you then, good night, everybody, bye-bye!

CHEERING