Episode 3 The Graham Norton Show

On the show tonight, I'll be talking to an Oscar-winning French actress,

the genius behind The Office and a comedy legend.

-Isn't that right, Ronnie?

-Yes, it is, Graham.

And I'll be talking to the weatherman

who said the fog will be choking in Woking,

it'll be dry in Rye, cool in Goole,

but if you live in Lissingdown,

take an umbrella. LAUGHTER

-Let's start the show!

-Wahey!

This programme contains some strong language

Oh!

-Oh! Oh!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, everybody.

Hello, hello!

You're very welcome. We have got...

We have got a truly international line-up for you tonight.

From France, Oscar-winning star of The English Patient and Chocolat,

Juliette Binoche is on the show, ladies and gentlemen.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yes!

From Reading, England,

creator and star of The Office and Extras Ricky Gervais is here.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

From Bonnie Scotland, comedy giant Ronnie Corbett is on our show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And from the Emerald Isle, the brilliant Imelda May is here.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh. I tell you, ladies and gentlemen,

I am so glad we've managed to prise Ronnie away from the golf course.

I mean, he's always out playing a few holes. He really is.

I don't know.

I'll be talking to Ronnie about his film career.

Yeah, as well as being a comedy legend,

he's appeared in lots of films, including the 1962 classic

Operation Snatch.

I'm not making it up! And, of course,

Operation Snatch didn't have a double meaning in those days.

Nor did Ronnie's previous film...

Fun At St Fanny's.

Of course, I'll be chatting to Ricky Gervais about his new series of Derek,

set in a care home for the elderly.

Now, Ricky actually sent us this picture from the new series.

I believe that's what you call "looking up old friends".

I'll also be chatting to Ricky about his early days in a band.

Yeah, he was in a band. Shall we have a sneak preview of what he looked like back then?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

LAUGHTER

I know! I couldn't believe it! That is, that is Ricky Gervais.

Mind you, he's hardly changed at all. Has he?

That's all coming up, plus more of your stories in the big red chair.

So let's get some guests on!

Later we'll be having music from Imelda May!

But first, he's an extra-special guest. It's Ricky Gervais!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yay!

-Hello. Hello, hello, hello.

-Hello.

-Lovely to see you.

-This way?

Sit down.

It's hello from him. It's Ronnie Corbett!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh! Hello, sir.

How are you? Lovely to see you.

Ronnie Corbett, everybody.

And she's the French star of The English Patient.

It's Juliette Binoche!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Nice to see you. Hello. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Have a sit down. Do!

-Hey! A very warm welcome to the three of you. Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello.

Now, Ricky, those bath pics... You're still doing the bath pics!

-It's a hobby.

-Have you guys seen...

-Have you seen these bath pics before, either of you?

-No.

-Well, the idea is to look as awful and stupid and ugly as you can.

-Yes.

So the bath is perfect cos not only have you got the thing

-that squashes your neck, cos the thing's at the back.

-Yes.

But you've got the water that distorts your face as well.

So it's a double whammy. I discovered this late in life.

I'd have been doing these all my life but... Yeah.

So these are some examples we've taken from your Twitter feed.

-You take those?

-That's him.

How do you black out your teeth?

Whatever's around.

Maybe a soap thing or, you know, the shampoo.

A bit of carton from something. Just anything, really.

There's more, there's more.

Let's look at another one. That one's terrifying.

Have you ever been tempted to do this, Juliette?

I didn't think you could do it, actually! My, well done!

Now, particularly nice to see Ronnie because Ronnie has a habit -

and this is a very peculiar habit

and I don't know whether it says more about Ronnie or about the state of the nation -

-but you get trapped in toilets a lot.

-I do. That's right.

-No, seriously, he gets trapped in toilets.

-Yes, that's right.

-But posh toilets.

-Posh toilets.

One is the bathroom and the other one is the toilet - is that... The bath.

-You're stuck in the bath!

-Yeah, exactly.

-And he's stuck in the toilet!

-But happily, he doesn't take pictures.

No, no. Toilets - that's right. Toilets at Windsor Castle.

-Windsor Castle!

-Buckingham Palace.

-Buckingham Palace!

-I was trapped there.

-You're not getting in through the window

and that's why you're trapped in the toilet? Why are you getting trapped in the toilet?

Well, I just think I'm unlucky with the latch.

And Victor Spinetti, dear - his memorial service

at St Paul's, Covent Garden, I really was in trouble.

I could not get out. And eventually, I had to scream and shout and somebody came and threw

a screwdriver over the top of the door so I could take the lock off.

-Weren't you supposed to be doing a reading at his funeral?

-Yes, I was.

I was out in time for the reading.

Oh, you were out in time for the reading, yes. Cos that's bad.

Slightly stressed but I was out.

Er, now, we are, of course,

very happy to have an Oscar winner on the sofa - Juliette Binoche.

Because we knew you were coming, Juliette,

-the audience have been learning some French.

-Oh, wow!

And they have a special greeting for you.

If you let me down...

LAUGHTER

We've worked at this!

OK, on the count of three. One, two, three...

AUDIENCE: Bonsoir, Madame Binoche.

Nous vous souhaitons une bonne soiree.

Hey! Well done!

-APPLAUSE Thank you. Thank you.

-Yeah!

And I'd like to thank a lady in the audience who taught us that.

She's got a made-up French name. I can't remember it.

Oh, no, it'll annoy me. What was it again?

-Annaita.

-Anna-ida?

-Ita.

-Ita.

-Annaita?

-Annaita.

-Is that a real name?

-Is it a real name(?)

-I've never heard of it before.

-You see? Hello!

Lady from France, never heard of it before.

She made it up! She's on the run.

And what's the weird story about you wanting to become a spy?

Well, I had to make a film where I was a spy

and I was looking for a secret agent to talk to and understand...

They're hard to find, typically.

But I had an intuition, actually,

because I heard a story from a neighbour that was a bit weird

but then I thought, "Maybe I should go and knock at his door and see, ask some questions."

Because his wife also was kind of

an investigator in journalism or something and she was very talkative.

He was not.

But I knocked at the door and they invited me in and we talked

a little bit and we saw each other again and again, like, three times.

And after a while, I got quite a lot of information.

But I would put it to you that your neighbour was a very bad spy

-if he just told you everything...

-He was retiring!

..after you popped round for coffee.

No torture, no nothing - just some biscuits.

That's an easy one, isn't it?

Although if I was a spy, I'd tell everyone.

"You'll never guess what - I'm a spy.

-"I've got a gun, I've got everything."

-He was retiring! He was retiring.

But you're kind of known for... You do learn how to do things.

-Like, you did learn how to make chocolate for Chocolat.

-Right.

But those things - do you still know or is it like you know in the moment

-and then just...?

-Well, you have memory.

I mean, it fades away a lot of things.

Or we do!

But, er, yeah, I still know some stuff about chocolate.

You know, don't heat it up too much and you can mix it with, you know...

butter, milk and sugar. Whatever!

Well, now, Ricky... Cos Ricky acts. You do a lot of acting.

Now, would you describe yourself in the same way?

Are you very immersive? Are you a method actor?

No. No.

No, I...

No. It's too much work.

-No.

-Too much work?

It's too much. All that... Oh, no. I just...

What's the character?

It's me. Same hair, so I'm not in make-up very long.

You get this hair, you get this accent.

I'm from Reading - I'll write that in, I'm from Reading.

One of the first things I liked was...

There was a scene and it was me sitting down

and the door had to go and I had to get up and answer it, OK?

And I realised that that takes all day. You're up and down all day.

So now if it's like, "You answer the door,"

-I just change the line to, "Come in."

-LAUGHTER

So... Cos I know about directing now, I go,

"That'll take ages. "Am I doing that? That needs a wig.

"I'm not wearing the beard." So that's how I choose my roles.

My ideal role would be, I think, a spaceman,

cos you're just floating around in the same thing. No make-up.

You can just have a wee where you are.

You don't need to go to the toilet. That would be my ideal role.

How different, then... How different the acting style of Ronnie Corbett.

Because how many weeks of a fish-only diet did you go through

before taking on the role of a sea lion in Fierce Creatures?

This is unbelievable.

-Er...

-I mean, it's like watching a documentary, isn't it, Juliette?

-It's...

-I love the flippers!

I love the glasses!

There's no concession at all.

I just accepted that!

Well, some seals wear glasses.

In Operation Snatch, that you've maybe heard...

-I haven't seen it.

-No, no, well...

-Ever!

-Ever!

APPLAUSE

Not been told about it?

-It was a war film?

-No, it was a...

-It wasn't a war film?

-Yes, it was.

-It was a war film.

-That's what I said!

-Yes!

-About Gibraltar.

-Yes.

Because I was driving down Baker Street one day and a car overtook me

and Terry Thomas flagged my car down and said,

"I've just had a wonderful idea,

"cos I'm doing a film about Gibraltar and the Barbary apes.

-"And, er... Would you..."

-LAUGHTER

Somebody's guessed already!

Barbary apes!

"Would you ring up the director Robert Day and go and see him?"

You see? And the theory was that in Gibraltar,

if there was a sudden drop in the population of Barbary apes,

the UK would lose control of Gibraltar.

So they had soldiers playing Barbary apes.

-Is that real?

-That is real.

-Yeah.

-Why?

-Do you know the story?

-No.

-The theory was that the Barbary ape population...

-Yeah, but not the film.

-No, not the film, but this thing...

-This is real?

-Yes.

-They had soldiers dressing up as Barbary apes?

Yes, diminutive soldiers.

Slightly diminutive soldiers. Absolutely.

-Hello!

-And, er...so I did that.

-That was my first...

-Hold on, wait a minute.

-So during the war...

-Yes.

..Gibraltar found soldiers to dress up as apes

-if there weren't enough apes?

-That's right.

Why did we need there to look like there was lots of apes?

Because there was a spiritual theory that existed

that if Gibraltar wasn't peopled by enough Barbary apes...

-I won't take long!

-And so someone had to go along with it?

-This was a wind-up! This was such a wind-up!

-What I like is that thing.

You know, that classic scene. "Dad, what did you do during the war?"

-"I was a..."

-"I don't want to talk about it, son.

"I don't want to talk about it." That's amazing!

-So you played a Barbary ape in that?

-Yes. And a soldier, of course.

And a soldier, of course.

But there is an urban myth that you are one of these apes

-in Stanley Kubrick's 2001...

-No.

Funnily enough, he did ask to see me after I'd...

LAUGHTER

He saw you in Gibraltar and thought... That's amazing!

-He saw me in Gibraltar...

-"Who's that ape?" "That's not an ape - that's Mr Corbett."

-"That's not an ape? That's Mr Corbett, is it?"

-Yes!

"I like the cut of his jib!"

So that isn't... You were not one of those?

-No, I wasn't. No. I wasn't.

-Did you turn it down?

I turned it down, yes. It got too technical.

LAUGHTER

In some acting studio, he could have done it.

Is this all true, what just happened?

You had to pretend to be...

-There were people who pretended to be apes in the war...

-Yes.

-..you did one of those in a film.

-Yes.

Stanley Kubrick saw you and wanted you to be an ape in 200...

No, actually, he saw me

doing a little spot on Sunday Night At The Palladium and he said...

"He would be ideal for one of my apes."

Oh, he's good! He's still got it! He's still got it!

-It just comes to me like that.

-Look at that! Look at that! Oh, my God.

Throw a banana at him! That's amazing.

Now, Juliette Binoche,

the movie you're here to tell us about is brilliant.

It's called A Thousand Times Good Night.

It opens on the 2nd of May and seriously, it's fantastic.

So tell us the premise. You play a photographer but not just a photographer.

I play a war photographer.

And the story is, you know, the dichotomy between the family

and her passion of being a war photographer.

It's almost like an obsession.

And when she comes back home, of course,

there are a lot of conflicts because it's to dangerous places

and she's going to have a journey with her daughter,

who is 15 years old, and they're going to...

She's going to learn about what she does.

I mean, it brings, you know, big themes in life.

And being a passionate mother is not an easy thing to do.

Especially when you're going to war zones and very difficult,

dangerous places. So the film is really developing this subject.

We've got a bit...

So just to put it into context, we discover that you...

-You've infiltrated a group with a suicide bomber?

-Right.

And this is you as a cryptographer

-and you're in the van with the suicide bomber.

-Right.

-And it's almost dialogue-free. That whole thing.

-Yes.

And seriously, it's one of the most nerve-racking...

When you see this part of the movie, it's nerve-racking. Here we go.

HUBBUB OF CONVERSATION

ID.

SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

Ooh!

APPLAUSE

That is so good.

And what's the link to Ireland?

Is it just because that's the biggest contrast between

-where you are working and where you live?

-Right.

-So, yeah, we shot in Ireland...

-Can I just say, that's a lovely house?

Where is that?

-It's outside of Dublin.

-It's lovely.

-Yeah, it's beautiful.

Is it for sale?

No, seriously, the film is worth seeing for the house. It's gorgeous!

It's a lovely location. If you are selling, do, you know, tweet me.

-No, where do you live?

-Where do I live?

In Switzerland or France?

-No, in Paris.

-In Paris? Oh, right.

-In France, yeah.

Oh, I know where Paris is.

It's at the other end of the Eurostar!

In France. Ah, yes, I know.

Don't give too much away - he could be a spy.

You know that monkey you were talking to out there...?

-Oh, dear!

-It's interesting. People talk about, you know, humour travelling...

The Office... People made versions of it or...

Yeah, there was actually a French version.

And a French-Canadian version, as well.

And is there anywhere they didn't find it funny?

I don't know, cos it went in its...

The original format in about 90 to 100 countries, I think it is now,

which may be subtitled or dubbed.

And there were, I think, eight remakes -

the American, Israeli, French, German...

So I don't know. I think they're trying to make one in China.

The ratings have got to be good with that one!

I mean, ratings - one billion. One billion last night.

Well, listen, we were thinking about how jokes travel, OK?

-We've a very international audience. As we know, we've got...

-HE MUTTERS:

-..Annanita.

So, we've asked our non-British friends

if they will share a favourite joke with us, OK?

So first off is Emi.

Is it Emi? Hello. Do stand up.

-Stand up, Emi. Hi.

-Hi.

-Where are you from?

-France.

-Another French person!

OK, so if you do your joke in French, sort of, line by line...

-Juliette, could you translate the joke?

-I'll try!

If you translate the joke, then we'll see if we find it funny.

No pressure! We're a friendly crowd. OK, off you go.

First line of your joke.

-Donc, c'est un singe qui rend dans un bar...

-So...

It's a monkey who enters into a bar...

Ronnie again!

It's all about Ronnie.

So a monkey goes into a bar...

..et il demande au barman...

And he's asking the-the-the barman...

"Est-ce que vouz avez des bananes?"

"Do you have bananas?"

-I knew that one.

-I knew that!

"Non, on n'a pas de bananes"

"No, we don't have any banana."

Le singe continue, "Est-ce que vous avez des bananes?"

Th-The monkey continues to say, "Do you have banana?"

-"Non, on n'a pas de bananes!"

-"No, we don't have any bananas!"

-"Est-ce que vous avez des bananes?"

-"Come on! Do you have banana?"

La, il s'enerve et il fait,

"Ecoutez, si vous continuez a me demander si j'ai des bananes,

"je vous cloue la langue contre le mur."

Oh, my God!

-"Listen, if you still keep saying..."

-"If you keep saying..."

"Asking for banana, I hammer your tongue

"on the wall with a...

"I hammer a nail on your tongue..."

SHE GIGGLES

-Is that the punch line?

-No, no!

OK! Juliette found it very funny.

I know, I'm very bad at telling stories

because I always laugh before it ends. So...

Et le singe demande, "Est-ce que vous avez des clous?"

The monkey asks, "Do you have nails?"

-"Non."

-"No."

-"Est-ce que vous avez des bananes?"

-"Do you have bananas?"

Is THAT the end of the joke?

Merci, Emi.

Well done. Very good.

OK, one more.

A lady from Colombia? Where's the lady from Colombia?

-Oh, there you are. Stand up, too. Hi. What's your name?

-Patricia.

Oh, Patricia. OK. So, er... Do you want... Shall we hear it...

-What language?

-Spanish, yes.

-Well, who can translate that?

-Is it quick?

-I can make it quick.

Well, tell it quickly in Spanish, then tell it again in English.

She speaks English! Who's going to...?

-All right, just tell it in English, then.

-No! You've ruined it! OK.

Oh, sorry. Tell it in Spanish. Tell it in Spanish.

-Yeah, Ricky, you've ruined it!

-Tell it in Spanish.

-Tell it in Spanish.

Dos amigos se encuentran despues de mucho tiempo de no verse

-y empiezan a hablar...

-Two mo... Am I...?

-..del pasado y de los amigos y etcetera...

Y uno le dice al otro, "Has visto a alguien del pasado?"

Dice, "No. Ah, vi a Maria!" "A Maria?! Quien es Maria?" "No, Maria..."

LAUGHTER

-"Te acuerdas de Maria?"

-Quite good in Spanish, isn't it?

"Te acuerdas de Maria? "Una chica muy, muy delgada, plana, no tenia tetas, gorda..."

LAUGHTER

"Ah, si, si me acuerdo." "Pues la vi la semana pasada."

-"Y que?" "Esta...asi!"

-LAUGHTER

"No! Se hizo cirugia cosmetica en las tetas?"

"No, artritis! Una artritis horrible!"

-APPLAUSE

-Shall we hear it in English?

I think I got the gist of it but I don't know if I'm going to do it justice.

A monkey with huge boobs goes...

LAUGHTER

-OK, tell us in English.

-OK, two old friends meet after a long time.

They're old school friends and they talk about the past and,

"Have you seen this? Have you seen someone?" He said, "Oh, yes, I saw Maria.

"Funnily enough, I saw Maria last week."

"Who is Maria?" "You remember Maria.

"She was very slim, very flat-chested. You remember?

"Not very pretty." "Oh, yes. I remember her, yes."

"Well, I saw her and she is looking...like this."

"Wow! She had breast enlargement?"

-"No, she's got terrible arthritis."

-LAUGHTER

It's quite a good joke! We laughed at all the jokes. Very good. OK.

..because they thought she was saying, "She's like this,"

i.e. she's got huge breasts,

but they go, "No, she's got terrible arthritis."

I'll translate the English!

Hey, Ricky Gervais, series two of Derek starts on Channel 4

on 23 April and then Netflix gets the whole thing on 30 May.

-Is that right?

-That's right, yeah, round the world.

Now, you seem to get a genuine buzz out of making Derek

and the reaction you get. I guess it's a very different reaction

-that you've never got for anything before.

-No, with Derek, it's just...

It's like genuine love, you know what I mean?

It's really sweet, sincere people saying what it means to them.

So it's... You know, it's...

It was quite shocking at first, for everyone to be so lovely.

And in terms of being well observed -

cos it does seem very well observed -

apparently an awful lot of women in your family either do or have worked in care homes.

Yeah, my mum, my sister, my sister-in-law, her kids.

You know, I think about six or seven - all the womenfolk.

The men, not so much.

But all the womenfolk...

I've got, like, 35 years of anecdotes from either care homes

or just, you know, old people, or Alzheimer's homes.

So I like to write about what I know.

-And obviously, there's loads of old people in it.

-Yeah.

So what's the balance of, kind of, actors and just regular old people?

Well, there's... Well, er...

-You and I.

-You can be an actor and an old person.

LAUGHTER

-You can be both!

-You can be both.

I hope to be one day.

I hope to be old and an actor.

No, no, some of them really are in care homes, yes.

Some of them are in retirement homes. There's one in an actors' retirement home.

-Yes, Brinsworth, of course.

-Yeah, she's in one in...

-Denville Hall.

-Oh, you know 'em all.

-I know them all.

We've got one along the road from us that has just been refurbished.

-You do?

-And Anne and I went along a fortnight ago to say a few words

-and start the digging of the new area, you know...

-What, the graves?

-Not already!

-No, not the graves!

-A new building going up.

-Oh, I see!

-Oh, give me a hug.

-"Not long! Not long for you! You're first."

And the manager...

The manager of the home said to the lady,

"Oh, we've got little Ronnie coming with his wife."

She said, "Oh, I don't like him, I like the other one."

So he sent her to Brighton for the day!

-Oh, God!

-And when you're writing the scripts, do you ever kind of go,

"Actually, I cannot ask a very old lady to say that"?

Sometimes in the writers' room, you're brave. You're very brave when you're writing.

Then you think, "I've got to ask them to say that line now."

But I usually pluck up courage and they're great. They're wicked. They're brilliant.

But that picture you showed us - did that actress know that Kevin was looking up her...

Of course. Of course. It's a scene that he's a pervert so he says...

They start the aerobics and he slides off his chair

and he goes, "I fucking love Wednesdays."

And he kept laughing because the actor, who's lovely - David -

knows how absurd it is so, you know, he's in character but then

he goes, "This is ridiculous." And they all start laughing.

But they're... Honestly, there's not one of them that says,

"Oh, I can't say that." They just know it's a joke and they...

-They're brilliant.

-Let's have a look at a clip from Derek. This is a...

It's you as Derek on a quest to find love.

-Yes, we get Derek internet dating in this series.

-Oh, right.

-You all right?

-I'm stressed. My dad's taking Tom's nan out on a date.

-Have you not ever tried dating before?

-No.

Get an internet dating profile, put your picture up.

Sweetheartsonline.com.

"Sorry, your inbox is empty." It's always going to be empty.

No-one wants to go out with me.

You'll be all right, mate. Believe it or not,

I used to think I'd never make anything of my life.

-You've got a date.

-What, off the website?

Yeah, shall I book a restaurant? Yeah?

-Cuisses de grenouille.

-Yeah.

-It's a starter. It's, er... Frogs' legs.

-Legs of a...

-What, a real frog?

-Sure.

What about the frogs whose legs you took off? Are they disabled now?

-The frog is dead.

-I licked a toad once.

It was horrible.

LAUGHTER

And in terms of getting older, I read an interview where you said

-you now quite look forward to being older.

-Yeah! I mean...

As I said, I'm getting old now.

My knees are gone, my back aches and I get up and I...

I wake in the morning now and I go, "Oh, I didn't die."

You know? You know what I mean? And then you've got to do it all again.

But I mean...

Is there a thing... I don't know if it's the same in France.

-Is it easier in France?

-What?

-The whole ageing thing.

Are the people more relaxed about it?

Cos people do panic about it here.

No, I think it's the same everywhere on the planet.

We're going through the same thing. All the stages and all.

And is there a weird thing for an actor...

I suppose for any actor, that thing when you're reading a script

and they go, "Oh, no, no, you're not that part. You're THIS part."

Well, you actually guess it while you're reading it.

You don't need to ask.

-Now, one of the things I loved Ronnie in was Sorry!

-Oh, yes.

Because in that, you still lived at home.

What is the age difference between you and Barbara Lott?

Well, Barbara, I suppose, was maybe...

-I don't know how old

-I

-was then. Was I about 50 then?

Or 47? I don't know.

-Barbara was perhaps 72, but...

-No, I think she was about...

-She was only ten years older than you.

-Was she?

Will you tell me what to say?

APPLAUSE

That was funny! That was like a barrister trying to catch you out.

"I put it to you, Mr Corbett, that she was only ten years older."

Although nowadays...

that's pretty accurate, isn't it? In some areas.

Yeah, in some areas. Yeah, yeah. Sorry!

Now, whenever Ricky's here,

we do like to check what else he's been putting on Twitter, cos he tweets a lot. Now, you guys...

You don't tweet, do you? You don't tweet?

-I don't what?

-Tweet.

-Tweet?

-No, I don't tweet at all.

-No.

-I love the internet. I mean, going on...

LAUGHTER

-Yeah, exactly, yeah.

-I'm sure you do, Ronnie.

"Men who like to be monkeys."

LAUGHTER

.com.

There'll be one. There will be one.

If you put that in, you'd find something horrendous.

With a picture of Ronnie.

So...one of the things that Ricky's put up recently

is that thing... They call it "ad fail" but it's basically when

the layout in a newspaper is unfortunate.

You know, where they put one article beside another article and,

obviously, nobody looked at the two articles together.

So this is one you tweeted... I think it's a Canadian paper.

-Yeah, yeah.

-This one.

And then... Was it yesterday...?

Yesterday I saw this sign and I just couldn't believe my luck.

Check this out.

LAUGHTER

They were a little bit squashed...

A little bit squashed on the spacing.

-I think I said, "Spacing is everything."

-I just love that.

"Yeah, we can fit the 'is' in. It's fine."

It's a pub called the Wig & Pen.

-It's, "The Wig & Pen is open for business."

-Oh, right!

I'd have put the "is" on a different line.

Well, we found some more of these.

-So you know in magazines, the fold in the magazine...

-Yes.

That can go wrong. Here's one.

I don't think anyone's going to want to drink that milkshake.

-It looks like she's... doing something in the...

-Oh, right!

It's like... Ricky Gervais is like the red button.

Then on billboards, it can go wrong on billboards.

So you're driving down the highway in America,

and there's a nice big billboard saying, "Where's Daddy?"

And as you drive on, you discover...

And finally, finally, this is just like...

I love that someone took this picture.

They obviously knew what they were doing when they took the picture.

They thought, "That'll be funny." You know what? It is. Here's an ad for Coca-Cola.

Well done, all the ad fails. OK.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's music time.

I adore this lady. Adore her.

She's a huge star in her native Ireland

and now making big inroads here and in the States.

Singing her new single It's Good To Be Alive, please welcome Imelda May.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# My thoughts are dark and empty

# I'm not crying out loud

# Don't know, what am I asking for

# If an answer can be found

# The loneliness is killing, though there's someone in my bed

# There's only so much living and I fear I could be dead

# But then standing at my window when the night seems like it's won

# And everything seems brighter with the sighting of the sun

# And I said, Oh, my God, it's good to be alive

# Oh, my God, it's good to be alive

# I know one thing for sure is that I'll love today

# Yeah, it's good to be alive, yeah

# Lying in my bedroom

# My eyes are wide awake

# My body's tired and giving up

# Oh, for heaven's sake

# Won't you please send me a little sleep to ease my worried mind?

# I'm losing rationality that I won't know how to find

# But then standing at my window when the night seems like it's won

# And everything seems brighter with the sighting of the sun

# And I said, Oh, my God, it's good to be alive

# Oh, my God, it's good to be alive

# I know one thing for sure is that I'll love today

# Yeah, it's good to be alive, yeah

# Do-do-do do-do do-do

# Do-do-do do-do do-do

# Things are looking up for me

# When the clock keeps ticking on

# Holding on to time gone by

# Clinging to a song

# To pull me through with every word

# And rock me with a tune

# And hold my hand when the sandman is hiding in my room

# But then standing at my window when the night seems like it's won

# And everything seems brighter with the sighting of the sun

# And I said, Oh, my God, it's good to be alive

# Oh, my God, it's good to be alive

# I know one thing for sure is that I'll love today

# Yeah, it's good to be alive

# Oh, my God, it's good to be alive

# Oh, my God, it's good to be alive

# I know one thing for sure is that I'll love today

# Yeah, it's good to be alive, yeah

# Do-do-do

# It's good to be alive

# Do-do-do

# It's good to be alive

# Yeah, yeah

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Imelda May, everybody! Come on over and join us, do.

Oh, good job!

Imelda May! Beautiful!

Mwah! Come and sit down.

There's Ricky and Ronnie and Juliette.

Lovely to meet you. Hello.

Isn't that just a happy thing? I love that.

-Oh, good!

-It's fantastic.

-Good, good, good.

That's the single but it's from the album Tribal.

Yeah, new album, just out.

What I like about you - your stuff is all up. It's all very happy.

Good. Well, I have my moments. I'm not, like, neurotically happy!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

There's unhappy moments and then...

Yes, but mostly I like writing happy songs cos it's great at the gigs

when you're gigging it and you've to gig it for a few years.

-You can have fun with it.

-So you wrote that one?

-Oh, yeah, I write my own songs, yeah.

-Oh, gosh! Lovely!

-Yeah.

The whole thing. But tell me about this now.

So the last time you were here, you didn't have a baby.

-Now you have a baby.

-Yes, I do.

-How old...

-That's how it works.

At some point you don't have a baby...

But you can still not have a baby.

I probably wouldn't be talking about it.

Yeah, you can, but if you have a baby, there was a point where you didn't have one.

It was when she was last here. She didn't have it.

-But, Imelda, how old is... It's a girl you have, isn't it?

-Violet.

-Violet Kathleen. She's a year and a half.

-A year...

-But she is talking now?

-Oh, yap, yap... Well, she takes after her ma.

-She talks a lot.

-There are some language issues.

Oh, A language issue. Er...

I said something ONCE in front of her.

Just once and I thought, "Oh, she didn't notice that."

And then we were walking along a hotel corridor

and I had her on my hip and she's so pretty and gorgeous and sweet

and a guy was walking along with me... Came along beside me and said,

"Hi." And I said, "Hello."

And he went, "Hmm, liking the hair."

And I went, "Oh, thank you."

"Hmm, liking the outfit."

"Yeah, thanks." And then he said, er...

"You're doing an Imelda May thing there."

And I said, "Yeah, I get that." And just as we got to the lift

he said, "Are you getting on?" And I said, "Oh, no, no.

"I'm waiting on... No."

And I just... JUST before the doors closed,

he was going, "Cute baby!"

He just got into the lift, he's stood there smiling at us

and just before the lift closed she just looked at him like that

and looked at me and just went, "Asshole!"

LAUGHTER

I was mortified but quite proud! Is that wrong?

She knew how to say it and she recognised one! It was good, yeah.

-And, Imelda, you're gigging all the time, aren't you?

-Yeah, like mad.

It's non-stop. It's great.

-Well, good luck with all the gigs and just...

-Thank you.

-..continued success to you.

You deserve it all.

Right, before we go tonight, just time for a story or two in the red chair. Who's there?

-Hello.

-Hi.

Oh, my God, we've never seen glamour like it on the red chair.

-What's your name?

-Julie.

-Julie? Where are you from, Julie?

-I'm originally from South Korea.

-Do you live in London now?

-Yes.

-Oh, right. And what do you do here?

-I'm a law student.

-A law student?

OK, off you go with your story.

So, last summer,

me and five of my girlfriends went on a girls' holiday to Alicante.

And I got really...

HE MOUTHS

SHE SQUEALS

Is it wrong?

-Yeah, no.

-Is it wrong?

No, we were all thinking it.

The idea, Juliette, is that they tell their best story.

It's like either their most interesting or their funniest story of their whole lives. And...

You didn't want to hear the rest of it?

There was something about her and her girlfriends in Alicante - I found it irritating.

"Five of my girlfriends," like she's got hundreds.

I haven't got five FRIENDS, you know what I mean?

-So she had to go.

-There was some... I don't know what it was.

I used to have a problem with this cos I just felt so sorry for them

-I couldn't stand it.

-Yes.

-But now I quite like it.

-Oh, yes, right.

-Cos I think they sort of want it, as well, don't they, really?

-Yes.

-It's a disappointment if you don't get flipped back on the chair, isn't it?

-Yeah, that's what he says!

-They'd be upset if I didn't.

-Where do they go, Graham, after...?

-Where do they go?!

-Where do they go after...

-Just... I don't know.

-No, but where...

-To heaven, Ronnie.

Are they in another place?

LAUGHTER

-They're not there any more.

-Oh, I know, but...

-There are...

-They just...

-There's a spike...

I want to give them a cuddle.

-Well, you can.

-Have you got somebody else in the chair?

-Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Now we all understand the game, let's do it again.

Now we're all on board...

-Whoo!

-And, Juliette, do feel free. Feel free!

I'm not doing this.

If you're feeling a little ennui, just, er, knock them off. Hello. Hi!

-Hi.

-Don't tip him! I love him.

-How are you?

-Great. We're very well.

-All the better for seeing you. What's your name?

-James.

-James, and where do you live, James?

-I live in... I live in Surrey.

-In Surrey. And what do you do for a living?

-I'm a civil engineer.

Brilliant, he's a civil engineer. He does something useful and he lives in Surrey.

Off you go with your story.

-This story involves getting locked in a toilet.

-Ronnie!

-Were you dressed as a monkey?

-Er, no.

-I was dressed without any clothes, so...

-What? What?!

-I wasn't dressed when it happened, so...

-You were naked in the toilet?

-I was naked in the toilet, yeah.

-Why? Why?

-I was, er...

I had a very important meeting at half past eight in the morning.

I went into the bathroom, closed the door, went to the toilet

and then when I got up to go to get out of the toilet, the door broke.

So I was stuck in the bathroom.

I had a very important meeting in a couple of hours.

I wasn't sure what I was going to do

so I sat there for a couple of seconds thinking what to do

and thought, "The best thing to do is to call the fire brigade."

So my... My wife...

-Maybe you should have thought for longer!

-Perhaps.

I was in a bit of a... I had a very important meeting to go to.

We get it, very important meeting! VERY important meeting!

So I...

My wife called the ambulance... Sorry, the fire brigade.

-The ambulance?

-LAUGHTER

..called the fire brigade and told them what it was about -

I was basically stuck in the bathroom and there was nothing

-medically wrong with me, just that I was stuck in there.

-Well...

And they turned up to the front door at half past six in the morning...

-No, don't you pull this! This is...

-No, I'm not.

-..with the blue lights on and...

-He's still going - he doesn't care.

The blue lights on and they did the "whoop, whoop" outside the front door

and then, er, four big, burly firemen...

-Here we go, it's a fetish.

-..broke the door and got me out of the bathroom

and I walked out with a face cloth over my privates.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And I... And I still made the meeting at half past eight.

A very important meeting!

-Oh, my God! I can't believe we sat through that whole thing.

-I know!

Well done, everybody. If you'd like to join us on the show

and have a go in the big red chair, you can. Contact our website...

Thank you to my lovely guests tonight.

-Imelda May, everybody.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Ricky Gervais.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Ronnie Corbett.

-Thank you.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-And Juliette Binoche.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Join me next week with comic actor Seth Rogen,

Episodes star Matt LeBlanc

and Hollywood heart-throb Zac Efron.

I'll see you then. Good night, everybody, bye-bye.