Episode 4 The Graham Norton Show

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE.

Three hot Hollywood stars on the show tonight,

all with their own fans. Where are the Matt LeBlanc fans?

All right. All right. Where are the Zac Efron fans?

OK, OK, OK.

Where are the Seth Rogen fans?

Yeah!

Woo!

Hi, Seth. Let's start the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, hello! Hello. Hello.

Hello, hello. Hi, hi, hi.

Hello, good evening and welcome one and all.

Yes, you are in for a treat tonight.

We have got three of Hollywood's hottest leading men

on one show, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING

Star of High School Musical, Zac Efron is here!

CHEERING

From Knocked Up and 40-Year-Old Virgin,

Seth Rogen is on the show.

CHEERING

Yeah.

Star of the hit sitcoms Friends and Episodes, Matt LeBlanc is here!

CHEERING

Plus, we have got music from Kaiser Chiefs.

-CHEERING

-Yes, we do.

It's good, isn't it? Good night, good night, good night.

"It's perfect! It's perfect!"

Three top stars, Zac, Matt and Seth.

The problem is, I wonder which one will sit next to me.

Who will sit next to me? It's difficult to know, isn't it?

Here is a recent picture of Zac.

CHEERING

He will be sitting next to me!

LAUGHTER

No. God, he's fit, isn't he? How do you get a body like that?

Do you know, I was wondering, maybe he does horse yoga?

Have you seen this? Have you seen horse yoga? No.

You have been missing out, ladies and gentlemen.

There is a man in Argentina who does yoga with horses.

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Fair enough!

Here's another picture.

Yeah, I think that picture was taken just before the police were called.

It looks so relaxed, doesn't it?

When was the last time I saw a horse looking so chilled?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You didn't see it coming, did you? You didn't see it coming.

I will be talking to Seth about his obsession

with Kim Kardashian and Kanye West.

This is Kim and Kanye, or Kimye's Bound 2 video.

I'm sure you have seen this.

Seth and James Franco have recreated it, scene for scene.

LAUGHTER

In fact, I'm sure I've seen another shot of Seth

where he reminds me of Kim Kardashian.

Oh, yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Zac has been in so many great films including That Awkward Moment,

where he takes Viagra and then has to go to the toilet.

Yeah, yeah!

Fair enough. Who is he on the phone to?

"Hi, Mum!

"Nothing really, just hanging out."

Mind you, of course, this is what would really happen

if you took a Viagra and went to the toilet.

LAUGHTER

That's all coming up later,

plus some of your stories in the Red Chair.

-Let's get some guests on.

-CHEERING

Later, we'll have music from Kaiser Chiefs.

First, he's the boy next door, it's Zac Efron!

Hello, sir.

-Lovely to see you. Hi.

-How are you?

-I'm very well.

Zac Efron, everybody.

There goes the neighbourhood, it's Seth Rogen!

It really is. Hello. Hi. Welcome. Come in.

He is my favourite Friend, Matt LeBlanc, everybody.

-Hello, sir.

-How are you?

-I'm very well. Come in. Sit, everybody, sit.

Sit, sit, sit.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You're just like objects.

Finally...

It's three leading men on a couch. Are you all getting on OK?

You are hanging out, you are good?

-Who's hanging out?

-Exactly.

Great.

Like an ugly sandwich with me...

AUDIENCE: Aw!

-Stop that.

-Aw. I wanted sympathy early on.

Sympathy lust, lovely.

Zac, the reaction of people to you,

they don't try to be cool when they see you,

they just see you and scream.

They sort of, yeah.

It's weird.

Women make a noise I never heard in my life when they see Zac.

Give me three hours with a woman

and I couldn't get her to make the noise that...

they make after just seeing Zac for two seconds.

-SQUEALING

-See? That's... Yeah.

There's that noise.

I love you, guys.

This grandmother just made that noise.

I saw it pop out of her mouth.

There is no demographic that is not seduced by that.

You have talked about France was very bad for you, Matt.

-Was it France where you had...?

-Yeah, back in the day.

This is going back 100 years or so.

Napoleon was there.

Got off the plane and went to go outside to the car.

There was this little French guy there.

He was, "Matt LeBlanc, I love you."

He had this... He had this picture, a Polaroid.

Does anyone remember what those are?

It's a Polaroid of him and Courtney Cox.

It had been like...

It looked like it had been handled a little too much.

Don't put a black light over it.

He was like, "I need a photo of you."

I said, "OK." I got in the car.

We went straight to the hotel.

When I got out of the car, there he was.

Waiting.

Evil twin with the same photo.

Then he, like...

He grabs me as I'm getting out of the car, in the weirdest way.

-I will show you.

-Do it!

He goes like this.

-He puts his arms around me like this. And his leg.

-Whoa!

I could feel his hug. I could feel his heart.

The leg hug is weird. You don't see that.

It's a French thing.

I peeled him off me.

That was uncomfortable all the way from over here.

Zac, your co-star, Miles Teller from That Awkward Moment.

He tells a story about how...

SQUEALING

There is the noise again.

You're not supposed to pee like that?

Cos I've been peeing like that.

Your cleaner would urge you to pee like that.

You don't have to wash your hands.

That was one of the most awkward filming experiences of my life.

In fairness, I believe you.

It was very...

My mum was on the phone.

Miles was saying that literally

women try to break into your house, quite regularly.

That has happened, yeah.

Yeah. That has happened.

Do you go out?

Do you go, "Excuse me, what are you trying to do?"

-Or do you have people?

-I lived in a case study house.

It was designed with all windows, like sliding door windows,

literally all the way round the house.

In the middle of the night, there would be taps on the glass.

Like two or three in the morning. I would wake up.

This is kind of weird. After it happened a few times,

I started keeping a samurai sword by my bed.

Cos I did...

In case a ninja came and knocked...

In case somebody dangerous...

Not that I know how to use a samurai sword at all.

-Totally rational.

-Very rational, yeah.

Fan sliced in half by Zac Efron.

That's a lot better than getting curtains!

LAUGHTER

-I did have curtains installed.

-OK.

It didn't work. They would still come up.

Talking of people being fans.

I was talking in the monologue...

Seth, are you a fan of Kim and Kanye or do you hate them?

No, I love...

Kim Kardashian has...you know...her...she is a nice person.

LAUGHTER

There is not a canon of work I can refer to, necessarily.

Kanye - I'm a huge fan of his music.

Yeah, I used... We used to have the same personal trainer.

We would work out next to each other, actually.

Which was bizarre.

Yeah, he is a big fan of comedy. He likes our stuff.

I tried to return the favour by liking his stuff.

This is the original Bound 2. This is the two of them.

# Close your eyes and let the world paint 1,000 pictures

# One good girl is worth 1,000 bitches

# Bam

# I'm falling in love

# Bam

# I'm falling in love

# Ah, ha, honey... #

I feel nauseous.

Wait until you see my version!

LAUGHTER

We're about to!

This is you James Franco recreating that shot for shot.

-Shot for shot.

-It's really good.

# Close your eyes and let the world paint a pictures

# One good girl is worth 1,000 bitches

# Bam

# I'm falling in love

# Bam

# I'm falling in love

# Ah, ha, honey... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Someone had to.

Have they been in touch since?

I ran into him.

One of the things that disturbed me

is that we spent more time making our video

than he spent making his video.

It took us three days to get it right.

He was like, "Man, we did it in four hours."

That makes sense.

He is a fan of it. He thinks it's funny.

I have run into him a couple times, actually,

since we rereleased it.

It's weird he couldn't figure out that his version of it

-was quite funny.

-He thinks it is funny.

He acknowledges it's a weird video, stylistically.

I don't think he thinks it's like Thriller, or anything like that.

I think he gets it.

-After the four hours.

-Exactly.

Listen, Matt LeBlanc, Episodes is back for a third series.

There is a fourth in the pipeline already?

We start the production in August back here in the UK.

What a nice place to be in - to know it's coming back already.

Yeah, not bad.

This series starts on BBC Two in May.

If anyone who hasn't seen it...

It's a fictional version of you starring in a fictional sitcom.

Right. It's a show about making a show.

-It's based on a...

-Show.

On a fictitious hit show in the UK that gets moved to America.

The writers are husband and wife, English couple,

get promised the world and when they get to LA,

all the promises are broken, including the one

where they can keep their lead actor.

They have to hire... They're forced to hire me.

I'm this monster to deal with.

Initially, because you knew the writers,

David Crane and people.

Were you nervous of the version of Matt LeBlanc

they were going to portray?

In the beginning I was kind of like,

"What do you mean I'm playing myself?"

I guess that is better than playing with myself.

It's not!

-It's not, you're right.

-Nothing is better.

We are not making a documentary, it's a scripted character.

If you are uncomfortable with anything, we won't use it.

That was fine. It's been really, really good.

Now, it's kind of come full circle. I'm pitching ideas to them

and they are going, "Oh, that's gross.

"We don't want you to do that."

"But I did do that." "No, you didn't. Don't tell anyone."

"Keep that to yourself. Go to church."

This is from later on in the series.

-It's you, basically, you having a rant at the two writers.

-OK.

I'm so sick of these British coming over here

and stealing our parts.

How is that even legal?!

It should be like, "OK, you act in your country,

"we'll act in ours."

But no, they sneak in here with their perfect American accents,

like some...magic trick.

You know, no-one even knows till it's too late.

Suddenly, you see them on a talk show

and it's like, "Holy shit, that guy is English?!"

They're on our TV shows, they're in our movies.

There should be congressional hearings or something.

Fucking British people! Stay the fuck home, no offence!

We don't understand it.

Like British people don't get it either.

-It's true, though.

-Are we cheaper?

No!

We have to fly you to America.

What is it?

It would be great if it worked both ways,

but Americans can't get parts over here.

The English people come over there and get parts left and right.

-It's great.

-It's wrong.

-It's wrong.

-Yeah.

-They've been acting longer over here.

-It's true.

Downton Abbey has a few Americans. That's as close as we have gotten.

-Shirley MacLaine.

-Yeah, exactly.

We will get you guys.

I'm the new James Bond, in case people don't know.

In reality you quite like it here.

You spend a lot of time here filming Episodes.

Yeah, I do, I love it here. It's a lot of fun.

But I've heard you in American interviews

-talking about life here...

-It's different.

Like you think we are quite drinky.

I meant Seth is quite drinky.

Yeah, it's funny. You go to...

In America, if you go to a bar at lunchtime, it's empty.

-LAUGHTER

-Not here.

People are like drinking at lunch,

and then go back, running the crane.

Careful!

-It's fine, I guess.

-You make it sound like a bad thing.

You find us quite sweary as well.

Yeah.

Everybody reacted to that. Everyone was like, "Yes."

-It sounds better.

-Yeah, yeah.

It's worth two swears of ours.

-It doesn't seem as offensive...

-It doesn't.

-..with your accent.

It's pronounced and really accurate.

It takes on a whole different meaning.

It could mean several different things.

-The Queen swearing.

-It's beautiful.

You get away with it.

You're like, "Oh, that's cool"

It actually made the sentence better.

But here's the weird thing, cos Matt LeBlanc in the show,

in Episodes, a bit of a dick.

Thank you.

But in life, lovely man.

Oh, OK.

Except, I was googling one of my favourite sitcoms,

Will and Grace,

and I did see a familiar face in the back of the photograph.

LAUGHTER

Celebrity photobombing.

On the red carpet. That was a good one.

I don't know if you've seen...

Photobombing has been around for a long time,

but now the big thing is animal photobombing.

So here is somebody taking a picture of a nice black dog,

and somebody photo bombs it.

LAUGHTER

That is dope. That is pretty dope.

Now, this cow is laughing.

See if you can see why the cow is laughing.

There's the cow photo-bombing.

LAUGHTER

-What was the horse thinking?

-How did it happen?

How did that happen?

Did they build the fence around the horse?

Is the horse thinking, "I used to be able to get through this."

"I should lay off the oats."

And finally, this is some ladies on safari

trying to find an animal.

LAUGHTER

Yoo-hoo!

Bad Neighbours, Zac and Seth's new movie,

it opens next Saturday, 3rd May.

Seth, you play a new dad. All happy, loved up, new house.

New house, struggling with the fact

that we can't drink and party all the time

like we did before we had kids.

As I think many people do.

And then a bunch of college kids move in next door,

and all they do is party.

At first we think it will be fun and we can hang out with them,

and then it slowly becomes clear that it's not going to work,

and we go to full-on war with each other, basically.

Zac, you play the president of the fraternity.

Now, it's weird. Everything else...

We have proms now, all these other American things have come over.

We don't have fraternities.

So what is that?

It is a tradition that goes back years and years and years.

During college, there's these groups of guys

that get together and make fraternities.

And they get drunk all day.

Yes, they do.

That's pretty much it. No, they do more.

-They do more.

-It's about brotherhood.

-It's about brotherhood and bonding.

-It is a fraternal environment.

-Yes.

They do have this system where they take the younger guys

and break them down to build them back up.

I've seen the videos.

It can be rough.

I was never in a fraternity but a lot of my good friends were.

So I kind of knew what this guy was like.

It's not that different from... Like, where I'm from...

I am from Canada, we don't have fraternities there,

but we have rugby teams, which is essentially the same thing.

You just get drunk all the time and beat up the smallest guy.

It is relatable in every country, I guess.

You weren't in a fraternity, but in high school,

it sounds like you played fraternity-esque sort of games.

Sort of, and after high school.

I made sure everything was legit on set.

You were very good at Sack Tap.

How did you know this?

You do your homework on this guy. That's weird.

Do you want to know what the game is?

What is Sack Tap, Zac?

See, Seth wants to know.

I'm not sure it's right... Did you see this?

Oh, yeah.

Yes, you get the person to look below the waist.

-And then you can smack their...

-Oh, that's what it is.

-You smack their sack.

-That's it.

I wasn't good at it. I don't know what you mean by that.

I avoided it at all costs.

You were all-state champ at Sack Tap.

Yeah, that's what I hear. That's what the forums tell me.

The trick was to play it off like it didn't hurt.

Then eventually people would stop doing it.

If you went and complained, people would just do it more to you.

But they don't do that in college any more. God, I hope not.

-You don't care.

-I really don't.

I'm just remembering how much it hurt.

Did you play...what's it called? A Sack Tap?

Just back there we were playing.

-LAUGHTER

-You got me good.

-I got you pretty good.

APPLAUSE

I call it Crotch Rub. I'm doing it wrong, I think.

I'm too gentle, it makes it weird.

-It's a different game.

-It's a different game.

-Is that right?

-Oh, you got me!

Get me again! Get me again!

-You suck at this game.

-You're winning again!

-There's good qualities in fraternities too.

-Yes.

Let's leave it at that.

Actually, there are some sweet moments

between the guys in the film.

But this is a clip of Seth's character,

and your wife, played by Rose Byrne.

This is you going to meet the fraternity on the first day.

Exactly. Yeah, we are trying to say hi to them.

I'm Teddy. This is Pete.

-Who is this little lady?

-Stella.

-Stella.

-Best name ever.

-She is a little flirt.

Like her mom, I bet.

If you could maybe sometimes...

Keep it down!

-All right.

-If you guys ever need anything

or we get too noisy, just talk to me or talk to Pete,

we'll take care of it.

Same with us. We get pretty loud over there.

Game of Thrones, we get loud.

-When Khaleesi comes on...

-THEY SCREAM

It's crazy.

-All right-y.

-Well...

-Dope.

-That baby...

-Cute baby.

-Twins, right?

-Twins. Two babies.

-So cute.

Very cute. Stars of the movie, steal the whole movie.

Every time the baby was happy, we were like,

"Oh, man, this makes us look like such better parents

"than we would have, otherwise."

Meanwhile, we're next door, feet away, doing horrible things.

But did you have to be careful? Were the parents miles away?

The dad was on set, and he was cool.

Only a few times we did stuff where the dad was like,

"I don't know. She is going to see this one day.

"And I will have to answer for what happens in it."

There is a scene where the baby finds a condom on the ground

and puts it in her mouth.

AUDIENCE GROANS

It is not used, ultimately,

is what we learn.

But in filming it, we had to make a condom out of sugar paper,

because you cannot give a real baby a condom to shove in her mouth.

-No, you can't. That's what we learned.

-Now we know.

You can, once.

But we didn't know if the baby would do it.

The baby was so good. It was like the Daniel Day Lewis of babies,

when it comes to shoving condoms in their mouth.

Literally the second we put the condom in front of the baby,

she picked it up, looked at it, and shoved it in her mouth.

We were like, "Great, good baby."

And the dad was a little horrified.

-Not a good instinct for a girl to have.

-No.

She just shoves condoms in her mouth, it's crazy.

-At least she has them.

-Yeah, better than the alternative.

I just kept thinking, at her wedding,

they will be showing clips of this movie.

They will show that clip, probably.

Remember this?

Yes, they were kind of oblivious as to what was going on. I hope.

Every once in a while we thought,

"At least she can take the money she's earning on this

"and, if they invest it well, can pay for the therapy

"she will need one day."

It will be a self-healing problem, ultimately.

I don't want to turn the audience against Seth,

but you, in the past, have been a bad neighbour.

-Me?

-Yeah.

-Oh, yeah, a really bad neighbour.

You do sound terrible.

Yeah, I used to live with this guy Martin,

who was an actor as well, and we had an apartment.

Our neighbour hated us, and we hated him a lot.

He would call security on us all the time.

He had one of those mail slots that goes right in your house,

like it's in the door.

A letter box?

LAUGHTER

Sometimes it's separate, but his went right in.

We would go to McDonald's and buy 20 cheeseburgers,

and we would put them in his mail slot

in the middle of the night, just for no good reason.

Just knowing that he would come downstairs the next day

and find a pile of cheeseburgers on his...inside his house.

That's very kind of you.

For me, I would be psyched.

I'm thinking, I would come downstairs and go, "Oh, my God!"

-It's Christmas.

-It's McChristmas.

Yeah, it's McChristmas.

He didn't feel the same way, unfortunately.

We ended on bad terms, unfortunately.

I apologise, Futterman, if you're watching this. That was his name.

The thing about Seth Rogen is,

because you seem such a relaxed, kind of cool guy, very relaxed.

-I am pretty relaxed.

-Yeah, very relaxed.

And yet, you have this work ethic.

If anyone young is watching,

this will make you feel like an underachiever.

How old were you when you wrote the first draft of Super Bad?

We were 14 when we finished the first draft, I think. 14 or 15.

Losers!

It didn't get made until ten years after,

but we wrote it in high school.

That's incredible.

I'm sure everyone who didn't write a script

probably hooked up with more girls than I did.

-It all equals out in the end.

-You were doing stand-up at that age.

Yes, I started stand-up when I was 13.

-What did you talk about?

-I talked about 13-year-old stuff.

I talked about trying to touch boobs and stuff like that.

When I first started doing it, I told normal jokes,

then another comedian came up to me and was like,

"You are the only 13-year-old doing stand-up.

"You can talk about stuff that no-one else can talk about."

That was the first moment

when I thought we should write about what we were going through.

So all of my friends were having kids and not being able to party,

so that is what Neighbours is about.

We really look for what we are experiencing.

Yes.

Mr Efron.

I think what I've always appreciated about his sensibility in his comedy

is that it all comes from such an honest place.

I have related to every single character that you have played.

-Me too.

-I get it.

And it was really fun, it was really fun to... I don't know, to sort of...

I became my character. I went a little method.

-Really? You went crazy during?

-I did, yeah.

Cos you do, in the movie it is very intense, what goes on.

It's an intense performance. It's good.

In terms of acting techniques...

Matt, you must remember those famous episodes of Friends,

where Joey would explain his acting techniques.

-The Joey acting classes.

-The smell-the-fart acting.

Was that Joey or was that you?

No, that was all... That was the writing staff.

We had some great writers, but that was really funny.

Talk us through smell the fart.

The smell-the-fart acting was when he was on Days Of Our Lives.

I can help you out with this.

When you forget your line, you kind of go...

LAUGHTER

-And then you continue.

-I was captivated just now.

It's very similar to...

You can do it more subtle too.

We did another one where Joey was teaching

an acting class for soap operas.

Like, if you have to cry, you cut a hole in your pocket

and you take tweezers and you start pulling.

I pinch myself a few times, the problem is I like it.

If you have to be perplexed, you think of some long division.

APPLAUSE

It was a lot of fun.

That wasn't like improv, like these guys,

I can't take any credit for that.

It was all the writers.

-You've still got it.

-I had to sell it, but...

Now you know those things, do you find yourselves ever,

when you're actually properly acting thinking,

"Shit, I just did smell-the-fart"?

No.

LAUGHTER

Do you have tricks, Zac, when you're acting?

No, I'm just good.

LAUGHTER

I thought as much. I thought as much.

In interviews it's talked about

how you are very comfortable with your body.

-What?!

-I'm not going to ask you to strip or anything, but you said...

CHEERING

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Take your top off.

I'm not... This is coming from them screaming.

-If it's artistically merited.

-Yes.

-Talking of... You see I'm moving on.

-Thank you.

Talking of artistic nudity, Seth, you must be aware

-of this beautiful art book.

-Oh, no. Yeah.

-This is gorgeous.

-You have the actual book. Oh, my God!

-Did you have to give permission for this?

-No, I wish I had been asked.

No, I never gave permission.

It's an artist called Christopher Schulz, is his name.

He is actually like a legitimate artist.

He's... I can't show that.

There aren't many... Oh, I can't show that.

We can see this...

-You can't show many of them.

-No, we really can't.

Christopher Schulz. He is an actual artist.

I have never met him in my life. So you know.

I'm guessing you are planning not to.

He draws me quite beautifully, so I kind of am curious.

So, Christopher Schulz shuts his eyes and thinks,

"How will I see Seth Rogen?"

Like that.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

It's a good mattress. You can see how deep I am in it.

Five inches of sinking.

Men of a certain age. "Is that memory foam?"

It's deep, that mattress. How do you do that?

I think we can show this. This is just like following

-a big dog down the street.

-Oh, no.

-There's...

-Wow!

-It's nuts!

-Literally.

LAUGHTER

This may not make it to telly. If it does, it will be blurred.

I want to show the audience. Because of all the things...

-We get it. It's drawings...

-Of me naked.

-..with no clothes on.

-That's so far, so bonkers.

-You get what you are getting.

-What was he thinking?

-With that one!

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

APPLAUSE

It's weird.

How my own nuts can be over my head like that. It creates...

-It does make you smile, though.

-Yeah.

-You look so cute.

-I call that one the peek-a-boo.

That is beautiful.

-Do you want that to keep?

-I have several copies!

I will sign that for you.

It's music time now.

They were away, but now they are back with a number-one album.

Singing their current single, Coming Home. It is Kaiser Chiefs.

# Do you wish you hadn't stayed all night?

# Do you wish you hadn't got so high?

# Do you wish you hadn't come? Oh, no, gotta go

# Do you wish it wasn't half past gone?

# Do you wish it didn't last that long?

# Do you wish you hadn't come?

# Oh, no, gotta go, gotta run

# May I remind you?

# May I remind you that you've got nowhere to go?

# So I'm staying beside you

# I'm staying beside you

# Till we find our way back home

# We're coming home

# We're coming home

# Light a fire

# We're coming home

# We'll write it down

# We'll write it all down

# And we dance along the finest line

# Between the chance of the time of our lives

# And wishing you we're done

# Oh, no, gotta run

# May I remind you?

# May I remind you that you've got nowhere to go?

# So I'm staying beside you

# I'm staying beside you till we find our way back home

# We're coming home

# We're coming home

# Light a fire

# We're coming home

# We'll write it down

# We'll write it all down

# Then it all comes flooding back to me

# Like a forgotten melody

# We're coming home

# We're coming home

# Light a fire

# We're coming home

# We'll write it down

# We'll write it all down

# We're coming home

# We're coming home

# Light a fire

# We're coming home

# We'll write it down

# We'll write it all down. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Kaiser Chiefs, everybody!

Come and join me, do. Come and join me, do.

Lovely to see you again. Hello.

-It's been so long.

-It has been so long.

Come in, sit down. Zac Efron, Seth Rogen, Matt LeBlanc.

Sit yourself down.

Thank you for having me.

-The Kaiser Chiefs are back!

-Yeah!

How do you not look awkward on here?

No, you don't. You look great.

- You smell amazing. - Thank you, you look amazing.

I'm trying.

The album, Education, Education, Education And War. Number one.

-I know.

-Still in the top five, isn't it?

-Uh-huh.

-That's amazing.

-We're doing all right.

Here's the weird thing.

Ricky, you've met Matt before, haven't you?

Yeah. He won't remember this.

It was only about a month-and-a-half ago, two months ago.

-I thought it was years ago!

-No, it was very recent.

-You are so uncool.

-I'm still on a bit of a high from it.

-Do you remember, Matt?

-No!

LAUGHTER

You see, you he won't remember.

There is a photograph. There is photographic evidence.

It's on my Twitter.

If you look at the photograph, you can see someone is more excited.

-Do I have pants on in the photo?

-Yeah, it wasn't that night.

Just checking.

Someone is a lot happier to be in the photograph

than someone else in the photograph.

I hear you!

I was giddy for weeks.

I am contractually obliged to ask you about The Voice.

-Have you not got the picture of me meeting Matt?

-Do we have the picture?

-I'd love it if you did.

-No.

-Oh, no.

LAUGHTER

Apparently it never happened.

Someone is now scrolling through Twitter.

We will keep talking until we find it.

We will try and find the picture.

The Voice, will you come back for The Voice?

Ooh, I haven't been asked yet. I'm not sure who has been asked.

It probably depends on the other people on the...

Ms Minogue has said she no come back.

She no come back, which I'm upset about.

-Who else was on it here?

-It was me, Sir Tom Jones...

-Oh, yeah!

-..Kylie and will.i.am.

-Weird!

LAUGHTER

A little bit like today,

I was definitely the least famous person at that particular party.

-That's the way I like it.

-Stop it!

No, it's the way...

Never be the most famous person at a party.

You are at the wrong party.

-Are we finding it?

-They will never get it.

OK, I've been told to get on with it.

It's a great photograph.

I'm wearing a woolly hat and you're wearing a mac.

-A mac.

-A mac.

-What's a mac?

LAUGHTER

What is a mac?

It's like a laptop!

A black double-breasted raincoat.

-Hey, actually, I think we can see the picture.

-Yes.

-This is the two of you.

-YES!

APPLAUSE

How happy am I?

That shows the spectrum of happiness

in that one photo.

Matt doesn't look that pissed off.

You look benign.

It was an element of invasion of personal space there.

There is a slight whiff of smell-the-fart.

It looks like you smelt a great fart.

You guys aren't smelling the same fart in that picture.

Good luck with everything, sir.

We are thrilled to have the Kaiser Chiefs back.

Thank you very much.

Before we go tonight, we have got time for a story or two

in the Red Chair. Who is there?

-Hello.

-Hello.

-What is your name?

-Lorraine.

-Lorraine.

-What do you do?

-I'm a performer.

I perform in musicals.

SHE SCREAMS

LAUGHTER

That was great!

Sorry, Lorraine.

I was thinking, "Oh, God." You did it.

You saved me the effort.

Who is up next?

-Hello.

-Hi.

-What is your name?

-Sheba.

-Sheba?

So far so good.

You have higher standards than me!

-What do you do, Sheba?

-I am a caricaturist.

-We've worked together.

-Who?

-A long time ago, Graham, at the Limelight.

-The nightclub?

-Yeah.

-In London?

-Yeah.

-I can't remember that.

-Yeah.

Before you had a private room, I should think.

-Sorry?

-Before you had your own dressing room, maybe.

AUDIENCE OOHS

SHE SCREAMS

I can't risk it!

-APPLAUSE

-I can't risk it.

I didn't like where that was going.

I have got two dogs to feed. I can't take these sorts of risks.

That was going in the wrong direction.

OK. Shall we try one more?

-Hello.

-Hi.

-We have high hopes. What is your name?

Shanny.

LAUGHTER

-Where are you from, Shanny?

-New Zealand.

-She is from New Zealand.

We always do well with New Zealanders.

Even if the story is bad, the voice - hilarious.

Shanny, are you living here or visiting?

-I live here.

-You live here!

Ooh! Smell the visa.

-What do you do?

-I'm a florist.

-A florist.

Are you OK with that? Yeah.

Off you go with your story.

Mine is an embarrassing story about myself.

The first time I tried home waxing,

I bought some strips that you heat up.

Can I stop you there?

Already, the New Zealand pronunciation of waxing is genius.

Her name, Shanny, rhymes with...

LAUGHTER

So you're doing your home we-xing.

Yes.

I brought some strips that you have to rub together to heat up.

I put them both on at the same time.

When I ripped the strips off, the wax stayed.

So I found myself in a tricky situation.

I hopped into the shower and tried products, shampoo,

body lotions, soap and nothing would take it off.

I tried a razor blade.

AUDIENCE OOHS

And the wax stayed.

I had to get my mum to ring our nearest beauty salon.

She had to take me up there.

The most embarrassing part was that I had to walk with my legs open,

so they didn't stick together.

-That is quite a good story.

-That's pretty good.

Shall we let her walk, literally? You can walk, Shanny.

-Thank you.

-Very good.

Well done, everyone.

If you want a go in the Red Chair

apply at our website at this very address.

Huge thanks to my guests tonight - Kaiser Chiefs!

Zac Efron!

Seth Rogen!

And Matt LeBlanc!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Join me next week with our Eurovision hopeful, Molly,

and a couch full of Hollywood heroes -

James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender and Hugh Jackman.

I'll see you then, good night, everybody. Bye-bye!