Compilation Show The Graham Norton Show

FORREST GUMP THEME

My mammy always said chat shows are like a box of chocolates.

You never know what guest you're going to get it.

-I've got stars from America!

-USA! USA! USA!

And stars from Britain.

Hello.

Hi.

How are you doing, Graham?

I'm good. Little help here, please.

-Is that the time? You've lost weight.

-Daniel!

Let's start the sh-o-o-ow!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Thank you, that is so kind of you. Really, no, too kind. Too kind.

Welcome, all.

That was a look back at some of my favourite opens

from the series. What a series it's been.

So many extraordinary guests on the sofa,

and how happy was I to see this face?

Miriam, you didn't...

I'm guessing you don't sugar-coat things.

-Do you get starstruck at all?

-I do sometimes. I do sometimes.

I remember when I was young, and I met Laurence Olivier...

-Wow.

-I used to collect autographs at the stage door, you know.

And he came out,

and I remember so distinctly

that I started to cream in my knickers.

I could feel it.

I could actually...

I went all funny. But it's true.

AUDIENCE GASP IN SHOCK

-It's true. You know what I mean?

-I know exactly what you mean.

LAUGHTER

Wherever we thought that story was going...

I honestly don't think I've ever been more uncomfortable in my life.

I think that's the worst moment of my life.

-Oh, dear.

-It can only get better.

Well, that's a lovely story, Miriam.

LAUGHTER

Thank you for sharing. I think that's in the compilation.

That's... That's great.

Have you been at the Oscars?

-Where you going to say have you got an Oscar?

-Yes, have you, David?

I think so, I'm not sure. Have to check when I get home.

What is the theme of this show, if you don't have one?

I've probably got one.

Cos it looks like they're pretty easy to get, David, you know?

-Have you been, though? Have you been?

-Of course I haven't been.

-Why would I go to the Oscars?

-It's great, isn't it?

-It is.

You get all that great free stuff. You get to chat with Jane Fonda.

I've got to tell you. Whatever... Even if you just win

for a short film, they treat you...

-Did you get the gift basket with all the goodies?

-It's fantastic!

It's actually before I was born that you were there.

1995?!

We were booked... We were booked on economy to come back to London

because obviously we'd done it off our own back,

and I thought if I turn up at the airport,

at Los Angeles Airport, and place my Oscar, surely I'll get upgraded.

I didn't.

And we were put in economy. It was great.

Everybody in economy held up the Oscar.

It was like a night at the opera, you know?

It was like all the people in the Titanic underneath.

All the poor people waving an Oscar. It was great.

We've enjoyed the Oscar chat, but let's put that away, shall we?

Have you ever won anything?

I did, yeah.

The people coming up to you now... They're Americans.

Well, Americans, they're not shy, Americans.

Well, no.

But I don't go anywhere, really,

where they can get at me.

It's usually in museums and art galleries and things,

so that limits things.

I keep away from there.

And Harrods I don't go near.

So, are you in a way glad that Downton's over?

Oh, yeah.

AUDIENCE GASP

No, I really am.

No, because, honestly, she was about...

By the time we finished, she must've been 110.

So I couldn't go on and on and on. I couldn't!

Because it didn't make sense.

Have you ever watched Downton?

LAUGHTER

I've got the box set.

LAUGHTER

Now, the thing is,

it's so unusual to have two such young Oscar winners.

You know, it isn't normally something that happens.

-That's why we're friends.

-Yeah. You're part of an elite club.

But the other thing you share is quite short-lived

careers in modelling.

Oh, I thought you just said "Short-lived careers!"

I was, like... I was like, "Oh! Oh..."

Happy New Year!

So... Now, what was your big break?

-Was it Vogue, Esquire?

-Where are we going with this?

I think all of the above.

Talk about the modelling. Talk about it!

-Or was it in fact... Actually...

-Want me to talk about my modelling?

-I think he's a about talk about my modelling.

-No, because...

-Because look at these. It's hard to make a jumper sexy.

-True that.

But I think he's managed it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Has wool... Has wool ever looked hotter?

-I mean, seriously...

-Here's the thing. Your sweater has eyeballs.

That was a high point. I think you can actually still buy that.

The point of that is you can learn to knit it yourself.

-So you guys can take one of those home and knit it for yourself.

-What?

So I can buy the sweater, and then I have to do it myself?

-Cos you...

-You don't have my pictures.

-No, I don't.

-And I'll tell you why.

-Yes, tell us why. Really amazing job to get.

-I was an Abercrombie model.

-Get in!

Abercrombie and Fitch, ladies and gentlemen.

Don't make your hoots, wait till we get to the story.

So, my pictures never came out.

I did a whole campaign and the pictures never came out,

and I didn't know why. And my agent wrote and asked why.

And they literally only responded with the photos.

LAUGHTER

Because... Their whole idea was, like, "We want real people."

So they got... I don't know, we were on a beach.

And then they threw us a football. They were, like, "Play football!"

And all the other models were,

like, playing football in a pretty way, you know, like. Not me.

I was... All of the photos, I've got a red face, covered in sweat.

My nostrils are flared, and I'm, like, "YAH!"

At one point, a girl yelled, "Just get her away from me!"

So...

APPLAUSE THEY TALK INAUDIBLY

Obviously, everyone's very excited that Matt Damon is here.

But, in certain parts of the audience,

and the audience at home, there might be some disappointment

because people were perhaps hoping that they would be seeing

Matt Damon and his ponytail.

It caused quite the sensation this summer, the ponytail,

-Matt Damon's ponytail. When did it go?

-I had it...

I did a movie in China, and so I was there for about five months

with that...with that thing.

And then we did a press conference at the very end...

-Was it real?

-No, it was hair extensions.

Because Matt Damon's ponytail,

it ended up with its own Twitter account, did you know that?

-I didn't know that.

-It had its own Twitter account.

But also people, you know,

people really appreciated that ponytail on Twitter.

We found some of the tweets that people did.

LAUGHTER

They get worse.

This one. This one's quite extreme.

-So, never put it in a topknot.

-No, I will never do that.

And who knows what this last one means.

Wow. Wow.

She's really thought it through.

A lady sandwich.

That's a charming thing.

I just like the use of the word 'steer'.

Left a bit. Right a bit.

That's it, you got it now.

-Trained sheepdogs to steer.

-HE WHISTLES

-Holding setting. Holding setting.

-Docking. Docking.

LAUGHTER

And, of course, Ryan married beautiful Blake,

sexiest man in the world, all these things.

-And, yet...

-She is the sexiest man in the world.

-You've done well there.

-That's a good shot right there. Look at you!

-Look at you.

-Beautiful and happy.

So annoying.

No, but, when you started being interested in girls,

-you weren't that cool or smooth with it.

-No, not at all.

-I don't believe it!

-No, I went through puberty at, like, 27.

It was a freak thing.

It was not good.

Who was the girl at school, the first girl?

The first, I was obsessed with this girl, Fiona Gorchinsky.

Mm. Yeah!

She used to actually take the bus the opposite way of my actual home.

And I would get on the bus just to sit next to her for 45 minutes

-the wrong way.

-There's something wonderful about that.

And moronic.

I love it when you're young, it's so cute.

When you're older, it's just stalking.

You're on some kind of watch list.

But I remember, I couldn't have been more than 11 years old.

And I was just about to get off the bus cos enough is enough,

I'm about to enter Seattle, or something.

I'm starting to get off the bus,

and I decided to hit her with this cool look or something.

Like one of these Don Johnson Miami Vice, things. It's sort of like...

Let me feel it.

-Right? You feel that?

-Yeah, I threw up in my mouth a little.

But I do this move as I'm getting off the bus.

And I sort of delay a little too long,

and the bus doors close on my backpack.

On my backpack.

And the bus just starts to leave.

And I'm sort of like, doing this...

Banging on the side of the bus.

The bus driver finally stops, opens the door,

releases my idiot backpack.

-And I could never look at her again.

-Aw...

Well, she's looking at you now.

She sure is. Sure is.

Nicole Kidman, you had an adorable name when you were little,

a sort of pet name.

LAUGHTER

Unless I'm wrong.

If I'm wrong... Weren't you called... I don't know how you...

Is it Hokulani?

No, that's not my pet name, that's my Hawaiian name.

Do forgive me!

Because I was born in Hawaii.

So, does everyone get a Hawaiian name if you're born in Hawaii?

-No, but I did.

-OK.

-Hokulani.

-What does it mean?

It means Heavenly Star.

APPLAUSE

But... But... Slightly undermines it

when you explain where your parents got the name.

From the Honolulu Zoo.

The baby elephant that was born at the same time as me

was called Hokulani.

Actually, so, in fact, we read about it, we Googled it.

This is a picture of Hokulani the elephant.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

-See?

See the similarity? My twin!

It's The Hours' nose there.

No, stop that now.

That isn't what I meant. We were in the office, and...

Elephants live. Elephants live. And we thought, "Oh, I wonder..."

-That's amazing, I want a copy of that.

-Is that really...?

Wouldn't it be amazing if we had Hokulani out the back?

We e-mailed Honolulu Zoo,

and said, "Remember Hokulani? What happened to Hokulani?"

And very kindly, someone, I think her name's Barbara,

she found time to e-mail back.

-"Hello-ha..." Cos that's what you say.

-No, it's not "hello-ha".

-What is it?

-It is aloha.

Aloha...

-Hokulani.

-Hokulani.

-Hokulani.

Barbara writes....

1970? You would think, busy, busy, busy, running a zoo,

I'll stop my e-mail there. That's all they wanted to know. No.

Barbara continues.

-It goes on!

-This is awful, why are you telling me this?

This was in 1970, and Barbara remembers it like it was yesterday.

"She was found in the moat.."

"It was speculated that she was pushed in by another young elephant,

"jealous of the mothering attention she was receiving

"from an older female.

"I wish there was a more warm and fuzzy angle to this story.

"Good luck with your interview."

-It does not!

-It does!

That's incredible.

The weird thing is, Ice Cube, we could be related. Because...

-Apparently, there's some Irish stock in your past?

-No.

-I mean, there could be, you never know.

-But you have an Irish name?

Do I!?

-O'Shea.

-O'Shea is an Irish name.

-It couldn't be more Irish.

Has no-one told you that until now?

I've been told.

But, you know, I think my mother just liked the name.

-OK. Is it your Christian name?

-It's my... I think!

LAUGHTER

Let me educate you with something, black people are notorious

for picking things they saw one day and say, "That's my baby name."

LAUGHTER

That's all it was, Graham. There's nothing...

There's no amazing story behind it.

We would love to tell you, yes, it came from my Irish forefather...

That's not the case.

His mother was reading the paper, she was eating some cereal,

somebody in the back said, "O'Shea."

She said, "That would be a good name for my baby."

That's how it happened.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, when you tour, do you still do the thing

of booking hotels under ridiculous names?

Yes, I do.

Tell us some of the names you have chosen over the years.

Um... Oh...

Sir Binky Poodleclip.

LAUGHTER

Um... There was one called Fanny Beaver Snatchclit.

LAUGHTER

Which the hotel operator wouldn't use.

And Sir Horace Pussy.

In Las Vegas, because I am at Caesars, I am Judas Fart.

-"D'you just fart?"

-No, I didn't.

LAUGHTER

I get it.

Does Horace Pussy mean something when you put it all together?

-Sir Horace Pussy?

-Yeah.

-It doesn't mean anything.

Well, "JudasFart".

I thought, "SirHoracePussy".

My mother had to ring and ask for Sir Horace Pussy.

"I can't believe you asked me to ring Sir Horace Pussy."

Did she do it?

She did. Yeah.

There was one in the Ritz Hotel in Paris,

where they had special stationery made out.

So... Yes, it's fun.

When you go on the road, it's so boring,

you have to do something to make yourself cheerful.

-So, every time they ring...

-I was the Marquis of Minge.

LAUGHTER

It said, for the visit of the Marquis of Minge.

I've still got it.

They made the writing paper up.

You are the real deal.

Growing up, you were the jock,

the sportsman, all of that.

But I have to say, you are on the couch with nerd central.

What?

-Well, no.

-Well, yeah.

Tina Fey, you do a lot of material about growing up a nerd,

-but you really were a nerd?

-I really was, yeah.

We have photographic evidence.

There we go. This will prove it.

AUDIENCE: OH!

That haircut was done by folding my face in half and cutting around.

LAUGHTER

The worst haircut of all time!

The guy from Spinal Tap.

Who did it?

My mom used to take me to a haircutting school,

because you could get, literally, a 2 haircut.

You were the guinea pig?

The sign outside the school said London, Paris, Upper Darby.

You've talked about your late blossoming, your sexual awakening...

Thank you for bringing that up. I wanted to make sure everybody knew.

Yah, I was a late starter.

For sure, I probably didn't see a penis until I was at least 20,

and that was probably in medical journals.

Didn't see, like, a healthy penis, until well into my late 20s.

LAUGHTER

"Oh, it's not mottled, it's fine."

"Oh!"

Oh, oh, oh! It's still horrible looking.

But then...

This is so weird to be talking to somebody about, but you...

Look at my body language.

You did develop physically quite early?

Again, thank you!

-Yes, I did. You must have read, this is Bossypants.

-Yeah, yeah.

I was wearing... Bless my heart.

That haircut and a bra, and my mom taking me to JCPenney

and trying a bra on over my clothes, in the middle of JCPenney.

Just being, "No! No, Mommy! NO!"

There is no turning back.

That was, like, ten.

BOTH: Ten!?

Literally at the same time, 1980,

the same time Kurt was scaring men on the streets of St Louis.

Smash cut to JCPenney. Me going, "No, Mommy, no!"

I have to ask you, David,

because we are in the midst of the Star Wars stuff.

Star Wars, big fan?

Of course.

When I was ten years old, I mean...Princess Leia was always,

for me... You know?

What can I say?

CHEERING

How many times a day?

I said ten years old! Come on!

There were three films. Three films!

But your boys went to see the premiere?

They both came back, and were raving about it...

said it was really incredible. So they had a good time.

Hey! You know what would make your kids really jealous?

What's that?

If you pose, with a light sabre, with Fin.

That would actually make them very jealous.

Do it! I've got one in Manchester United red.

Where is it? I really do.

Where is the blue one? OK, there is the blue one.

Actually, because you are in the new King Arthur film?

-I am, just a small part.

-Have you done some sword training?

-I have done some sword training.

-Because...

Oh, look at him! Look at this.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

OK. You get that to work.

I'm moving well out of the way.

Yeah, can we not kill Kylie? That's all I ask.

Very kind.

Basically, to turn this on, you push... Push that thing.

That one, up. OK?

Oh!

AUDIENCE: Whoa!

-You've gone off.

-David Beckham!

-You've gone off!

-You have met your match.

ALL: OH!

I just wanted to meet you, mate.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

Well done. Thank you very much.

Now, here's the thing, if people want a picture of Daniel,

you think, I'm never going to meet Daniel Radcliffe, don't worry.

Have you seen this? You like the internet.

Have you seen this thing on Reddit?

I have been made aware of it. Is this time travelling me?

Yeah, the Daniel Radcliffe time traveller.

People post old photographs and then you have to scan them

very carefully to see if you can manage to spot

who in the photograph looks like Daniel Radcliffe.

Can you spot Daniel Radcliffe, the time traveller, in this picture?

Got him!

LAUGHTER

The next one is easier, because there are three people.

Can you see which of the three people is Daniel Radcliffe,

time traveller?

-It's you!

-It really is.

That is you!

Pictures of me, particularly when I was younger... that is very,

very close.

If Daniel Radcliffe ever went on Who Do You Think You Are,

at some point, surely, this photograph will come up.

LAUGHTER

Why were you in prison, Chris Hemsworth?

That's the question that you start the show with?

No, it was research.

I did a movie about a guy. It was research.

"I'm in for research."

Why did I go to prison? I was researching a film.

We had to go in and see what the inside of a prison looked like

and speak with prisoners who were willing to talk to us.

I walked in, and I remember thinking... and I had my ponytail,

long blonde hair, and I had a hat on.

LILY LAUGHS

GENERAL LAUGHTER

I think Lily knows where this is going!

So, I spent the night...

The warden said, you can't wear your hat, and so on. I said, no worries.

I thought, "Shit! They're going to know who I am."

Then I thought, they don't get Thor in here.

They're not going to watch movies.

I don't know, I've never been to prison.

So, I assumed that.

The moment I started walking through the cells, and it's like

H Block of this thing. You know, it all kind of...

You know, cell upon cell and so on.

I just start getting heckled. "Yo, Thor is here, man."

"Yo, Thor!"

"Thor! Thor!"

"Where's your hammer, man?"

I'm trying to blend in and research.

Just getting heckled, left and right.

"Come spend some time in my cell, baby!"

LAUGHTER

I've got my long hair.

"You'll do!"

Also, it's quite nice that we sat you beside Dawn.

It's like being at home, sitting on the sofa.

Yes, with the hair and everything.

Well, I think I had the hair first, I have to say.

I'm quite a lot older than his Dawn.

Dawn O'Porter, your wife.

-Yes.

-That's her, there now.

-It is the same hair!

-Now, look at us.

-Quite similar.

-It is, very similar.

This is what you'll be looking at in another 20 years' time.

This is it.

I'll be on wife three by then!

LAUGHTER

Makes you feel so special.

But Dawn might move on, other Dawn, because she likes meeting men,

it seems, even in your presence, Chris?

No... Oh, yes, she does.

-She does!

-Well, like anybody would.

We have had a couple of things where...

So, we met Brad Pitt, right?

-See!

-At the Baftas, I think it was.

He came over and we were having a chat about something or other.

And um... He was very nice, and I introduced him to Dawn.

They shook hands and we kept on talking,

and then he started talking to somebody else or whatever.

After a while, I looked down and I realised that she was still

holding two of his fingers.

LAUGHTER

I was, like, "We'd better go to our seats."

She was like, "OK."

And she said, "41 seconds."

I said, "What?" "That's how long I held him for."

LAUGHTER

And then a couple of weeks after that, we were up for some

kind of awards dinner.

Bradley Cooper was there. Very nice guy, very personable.

AUDIENCE: HOO!

Yes, a "hoo!" That's how attractive he is.

We were leaving, she was getting her phone out of her bag.

I noticed something sparkling in it.

I realised that she had stolen his fork.

LAUGHTER

And she said that she was going to auction it for charity or something.

Every now and again, at home, I see her eating with it.

It's kind of hard to feel like a sex symbol

when your wife is using another man's cutlery.

So, she only managed, with Brad Pitt, to hold onto his fingers?

That's right.

So, hands up, everybody here,

who has actually been kissed on the lips by Brad Pitt.

ALL: Ooh!!

No, it was just in a dream.

Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael, obviously married...

-15.

-15 years.

Couples, when they've been together a long time,

they have little rituals and ways to keep the relationship fresh.

But you have one involving golf, is that right?

Yeah. That old... Thing.

Yeah!

I don't think I can handle this emotionally.

I can kick his ass at golf, if say so.

Don't you make these bets, when you're playing golf?

Yeah, if he duffs a shot and can't get his ball over the ladies tee,

he has to take his pants off.

Drop 'em!

On the pitch.

On the pitch?!

LAUGHTER

You're worse than I am, even I know that!

On the course!

-On the course. Yeah, on the course.

-It's pitch and putt.

Oh, that thing.

Crazy golf.

Expose himself in some way, yeah.

And does he do it?

Not just my husband, it is any man I play with.

SHRIEKS OF LAUGHTER

I have a question...

NO, he doesn't have a question, he was volunteering to play golf!

Drop them on the course? What are paparazzi doing all day?

No, there has been an issue with paparazzi,

but I made him go into the bushes and drop his pants.

Oh, that's fine.

A deal is a deal.

Will, you and Jada, you are a Hollywood couple,

power couple now, married 18 years.

That's my wife.

Still interested, look at that!

Are you looking at her boobs?

That's not a good... That picture? Why did you do that?

I'm looking at her like food.

LAUGHTER

Like I'm still breast-feeding.

It's a good thing that's my wife!

So, selfie, the whole selfie thing, selfies are everywhere,

everyone takes selfies.

There's a new sort of selfie. Are you aware of this thing, nutscaping?

No, but I can't wait.

No, what's that?

-Do you know what nutscaping is?

-No.

-OK.

So, what you do, you are "oot and aboot"

and you see a wonder of nature, beautiful scenery.

A landscape, as it were. And then you nutscape it.

-Get your nuts out?

-Yeah.

Basically, you drop your testicles into the picture.

So, a picture paints a thousand words.

This is the website.

That is it, right there. That is, essentially, it.

Am I crazy, that's one nut?

-That's two nuts?

-Oh, two nuts!

-They are outside.

-OK.

A lot of them... it's quite chilly.

Look at that...

That's not a nut, that's an eclipse!

That's the same. Oh, look, off to the side there. That's very odd.

-Oh, look at that little one.

-Oh!

-Oh!

-That's not...

-I don't know. Now, I love that.

-He needs to get that checked.

There's something wrong with that.

Look at the shadow it's making over the...

It's massive.

That's amazing.

-This is the best thing ever.

-Where's my favourite one?

Look at the hair on that one.

Look, look, look! Look at those cows.

"I don't know."

"What do we know? We're cows."

-Oh, my God, I'm crying.

-Where is my favourite one?

My favourite one is so beautiful. It's incredibly artistic.

Check that out.

Whoa!

APPLAUSE

That's your nutscape right there.

Beautiful.

Mark Wahlberg, you had an extraordinary gig a few months ago.

-Oh, with the Pope?

-Yeah!

LAUGHTER

You hosted the Pope.

-Yes, I did.

-Did the Pope recognise you?

Erm, no, he hasn't watched television since the mid-80s.

Except, he does love the Graham Norton Show

and he's going to be appalled at the language.

I already apologised for my language in the movies that I've done.

I didn't know if he was as a movie fan or not.

I was hugging this young boy who has an amazing voice,

I mean, really a gift from God

and, all of a sudden, he comes out and goes,

"I really loved you in Ted."

This kid was like 10, 11 years old.

I said, "That's inappropriate for you to watch that."

And then I had to apologise and explain myself.

And did you hang out in any sense?

No, we had a brief encounter and I was able to say hello

and we exchanged some pleasantries and that was pretty much it.

I've met presidents,

I've never seen so may people from all walks of life.

Two million people were at this event

-to come to see, just to get a glimpse of this man.

-Wow.

He was on the move.

Originally he was going to leave

and they started basically cutting bits of the show as we were going.

I'm hosting the show, so they're telling me,

this is going, that's going, but then...

What is his name? That wonderful singer.

-Tony Bennett?

-Josh Groban?

-No.

Placido Domingo?

Harry from One Direction?

-You're making me make it harder to remember.

-Sorry.

-What kind of music?

-Opera.

He's a wonderful gentleman, he has a...problem with his eyes.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Andrea Bocelli.

-Bocelli, yes.

"A problem with his eyes."

He's blind.

APPLAUSE

"Kept bumping into things. He has a problem."

So, then the Pope decided to stay.

And then Bocelli kept going and singing more

and more songs. And then they had a moment together.

Because he couldn't see the signal to stop.

That's what the lady was doing!

-She was like, "Uh-uh."

-I thought she was...

"The Pope left!"

Ladies and gentlemen, 50 Cent, the musician, has returned to us.

-You're back.

-I'm back, baby.

-Yes, you are.

APPLAUSE

The track on the new album, called 9 Shots,

it goes back to an early, terrible experience

in your life. If you guys aren't familiar with

the story of what happened, it's amazing. Go.

Well...

-No pressure.

-I got, you know, shot nine times.

But it was one time. I just didn't see

the person coming, or I would have avoided it.

Well, yes. You would.

This happened, I was trying

to write a song, conceptually, that would

define more of who I am. So I wrote 9 Shots

and just picked nine painful moments that I experienced

in my life. I used the shot as a metaphor.

-Where were you shot? Where?

-In front of my grandmother's house.

But where on your body?

APPLAUSE

That's like being in the doctor's office, isn't it?

Most of them in the legs. I got hit in my hand,

I got hit in the face. A fragment,

a portion of it is in my tongue. So it kind of

changed the way I speak a little bit.

-And your rapping as well?

-What, is it still in your tongue?

-Can you see it?

-Yeah, it's great for oral sex.

-IS it?

LAUGHTER

-OK, good to know.

-Make sure you keep that bit in the show.

Let me just make a note of that.

-I'm a better man now.

-Is it like a lump?

-Can you see it?

-Yeah.

Let's have a feel, 50.

LAUGHTER

-I've washed my hands.

-We just said oral sex

-and you're going to put your finger in my mouth?

-Stop it!

-I'd better not, had I?

-Have a look, have a look.

-Well, I'll just have a look.

-I need a napkin.

-Has anybody got

-a tissue?

-A clean one.

-Look, these ladies.

Thank you very much. Still hermetically sealed,

thank you very much. There you go, lovely.

How were you prepared?

Did somebody tell you to come with this?

How did that happen? What's the odds of that?

Sitting in the front row with this.

Who does this kind of stuff, right?

It only happens on this programme, honestly.

Yeah, I can feel it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I know whole pages of Heat.

You surprise me(!)

There's this scene in the middle of the film, which you'll be

familiar with, you were there.

The one person you don't need to explain it to.

GRAHAM LAUGHS

-He remembers.

-"You were very good in this bit."

There's a scene in the middle of the film, because Al Pacino

and Robert De Niro... He's there!

-Sorry about this!

-Don't worry.

-They are separated, like a great

thriller, they're separated for the entire film, and they

meet twice, once at the end and once in the middle.

And it takes place at a restaurant in LA. It's a great scene,

it's one of the great pieces of screen acting you can hope to watch.

There it is, there's a picture. It's a mutual recognition of

each other. Anyway, there's a bit where they sit and

have coffee and tea and talk about stuff... I'm going on, I apologise!

Al Pacino says at one point, he goes...

-AS AL PACINO:

-"So,..."

LAUGHTER

"We're sitting here like a couple of regular fellas. I mean, you do

"what you do, I do what I've got to do."

"If I'm there and I've got to put you away, I won't like it."

"But if it's between you and some

"poor bastard whose wife you're going to turn

"into a widow, brother, you are going down."

APPLAUSE

And then Michael Mann cuts back

to the esteemed gentlemen at the end of the sofa.

LAUGHTER

-AS DE NIRO:

-"What if you do got me boxed in

"and I've got to put YOU down?"

"Face-to-face."

-AS PACINO:

-"Yeah, but I will not hesitate, not for a second."

-And that's my...

-APPLAUSE

This is so meta!

I feel like I've gone into a parallel universe.

You are playing all these parts!

-Yes, I apologise.

-That's great. That was my favourite scene

-in the movie.

-Was it your favourite scene?

-Yeah.

-Still?

LAUGHTER

Now, listen. Tom Hanks,

you are famous for being lovely to fans.

-You are very nice, you go and see...

-I try to be.

David, you are a big fan but someone else in your

family is also a very big fan.

Yes, my mum is a big fan.

We were in a restaurant, The River Cafe,

about seven years ago and my mum had drunk

a bit too much, she suddenly felt a bit ill.

I led her outside and you were sat at one of the tables.

She stopped dead and I had to drag her,

like you would a donkey on a beach, away from you.

She was so excited to see you.

How ill was she? Otherwise she could have stopped by.

She may have thrown up over you!

She's here in the audience.

Let me see if I can figure out who she is. Hmm...

I can see her already, she's blushing, she's smiling.

-Look at her!

-Oh, my! Come here, love.

Come here, darling. I see you.

APPLAUSE

-Give me some lovin'.

-Aww!

-Give me some sugar.

She's going for the hug.

Have you been drinking? You haven't been drinking?

You're totally sober. Have you been smoking?

Haven't been smoking. She's a good mum, isn't she?

Look at your boy. Are you not proud of your lad down there?

-I'm very proud.

-42 million books have been sold.

One of these days he just might just win an Oscar!

APPLAUSE

Very lovely, very lovely to meet you.

I like that. Thank you so much, that's so kind of you.

She's a good mum. You've got a very good mum.

LAUGHTER

No respect for your mother!

Would you be up for just matching

-some pictures of otters?

-Yeah, I'll return the favour.

It'll go really viral and it'll be great.

People will like the viral pictures of me

and an otter and go and see a film about a gangster! Yay!

-You know how this works.

-I'm sort of scared of otters.

You won't be... Actually, this first otter...

This first otter, I'm afraid,

it's the dark side of the otter kingdom. This is angry otter.

It makes you love otters, though. Can you do that? Try it! It's good!

APPLAUSE It's good. Excellent.

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

OK, this next one is also a slightly aggressive otter.

It's a bit fisty. It's a bit like, "Boy, I oughtta..."

The other way!

These are good. These are good.

They start to get more challenging.

LAUGHTER What the hell?

Can you attempt that?

OK...

So tongue that way.

Mirror things. I go that way and it's the other way.

This is really weird.

Very good.

Now, this is an opportunity for...

-Is this a casting for my next role as an otter?

-You're in it.

You're the star. This is an opportunity

for myself and Johnny to channel our inner otter.

This is a nice three shot.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww.

-If you lean in, I'll lean in.

-Yeah, exactly.

-To me?

-You're in the middle.

-What's the face?

LAUGHTER

Adorable, adorable.

And, now...

So...

Then, then, we found this picture.

We found this picture of an otter.

Look at this. Look at this.

Let's have a close-up of the face.

You have never seen a happier creature on planet earth.

Look how happy this otter is with his new teddy bear.

The teddy bear doesn't look very happy.

The teddy bear looks quite depressed.

"I've been given to a mammal?"

I sent out the command. I picked up my phone and I went,

"We'll need a big teddy bear."

However the word "big" is quite relative.

They've gone with

a really enormous teddy bear. It's over there.

HE GASPS

-Wow!

-LAUGHTER

This is, this is...

It's going to be fine. It's all right

Isn't that amazing? APPLAUSE

That looks genius.

That is genius.

I've always wanted to...

It's just, there's something about

it that makes me want to kind of do this.

Oh! APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER Don't kick the bear!

You think I'm a cute otter?

APPLAUSE