Episode 18 The Graham Norton Show

Aww. It's Valentine's weekend and romance is in the air.

I've got a letter from someone in the audience.

Now, their partner knows nothing about this.

The letter asks,

"Can I propose to my loved one on national television?"

DRUMROLL

No.

Let's start the show! APPLAUSE

Hello, hello!

Good evening, everybody!

Welcome to the show!

Some really relieved faces over there.

LAUGHTER

"Urghh... Ah, it's OK."

Great guests for you tonight.

An Oscar-winning actress, Britain's most loved double act

and one of my favourite comedy stars, who's in a great new romcom.

Perfect for Valentine's weekend!

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

Aw, Valentines!

The time of the year when you look into your partner's eyes

and say those magical words -

"You'll do."

Has everyone sent their Valentine's cards? Have they sent them?

FAINT WHOOP Wow. Love is in the air in here(!)

"What? What's he talking about?"

It's strange, you know? On Valentine's Day,

you can write a sexy, anonymous message to a virtual stranger

and it's romantic.

But here's a tip - the rest of the year, that's stalking.

Everyone wants to do something special on Valentine's Day,

but don't leave it till the last minute,

or everything is booked up and you end up...

Oh, I don't know - going to a free recording of a television show.

You know who you are!

Let's welcome the guests on!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Later, we'll be having music from double Brit nominated Little Mix!

But first, one of Hollywood's hottest comedy stars

thanks to break-out roles in Bridesmaids and Pitch Perfect.

Now, she's here to tell us How To Be Single.

Please welcome the hilarious Rebel Wilson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Wow!

-Woo!

-Wow!

-I know!

-Look at you!

Hello, darling. Lovely to see you. Shiny. Rebel Wilson!

CHEERING

From Byker Grove to I'm A Celebrity,

these two have been entertaining the nation for nearly 30 years

and have become one of Britain's most loved television double acts.

Please welcome the multi-award-winning Ant and Dec!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, lovely to see you.

-30 years.

-Is it?

-You're old. You're older than I am.

-30 years?!

We've loved this actress in so many great films -

The Big Lebowski, Boogie Nights, The Hours

and last year's Oscar-winning performance in Still Alice.

Her latest film is the powerful drama, Freeheld.

It's a warm welcome back to Julianne Moore!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good couch.

-It's very nice to see you all.

-It's nice to see you too.

And it's sort of Geordie land in a Hollywood lady sandwich.

Yeah!

With a Geordie filling.

Julianne, last time you were here, we teased you,

because you had lost so many Oscars.

-Yeah.

-But now, loser no more!

-Because she had lost loads of them.

-I'd lost... Yeah. Four of them. Lost four.

That's careless, isn't it?

But now, big winner. Big winner for Still Alice. Congratulations!

Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Was it everything you'd hoped, on the night?

-Or was it an anti-climax after waiting all that time?

-It was...

No, it was great. It was very exciting.

I tried to stay calm and present,

but you know, it's three hours long!

And I was the very last award before best film,

so it was agonising, yeah.

I have to say, I do know all about losing. Ant and Dec...

LAUGHTER

How many National Television Awards have you won now?

-Um... 15, in a row.

-Wow!

It's pretty good.

"In a row" is irrelevant.

15?!

It's brilliant, it's brilliant.

But look, my heart doesn't bleed for you.

You've won a few awards yourself.

You've got a BAFTA in your opening titles.

Which we were just throwing into a pond.

-You've won Lifetime Achievement - is it twice now?

-Yeah.

Is that for both lives? Is that how that works?

I don't know what it's called.

We won something and it was some sort of Outstanding Contribution

or something and then we won it again a couple of years ago,

so I don't quite understand how that works.

Nor do I!

I really don't.

Have you ever had to do loser face?

-Oh, yeah, we've had to.

-Over the years, yeah.

-Rebel, do you have a loser face?

-Uh...

Well, I haven't been nominated yet for an Oscar,

cos they're racists.

LAUGHTER

So, I haven't...

Um...

I guess if I went to the Oscars and then I lost,

I'd just be like...

-show a tit, or something.

-LAUGHTER

At least I'd get a lot of attention

and wouldn't feel like the night was a total waste.

Rather than just doing the classic...

-Yeah, just get a tit out.

-Yeah, do it.

Nominated next year.

There you go - NTA awards.

Just a peek of nip, through the shirt.

But Rebel, you do go to awards.

Was it an awards show where you were sat next to Kelly Osbourne?

That was Jennifer Lopez's opening night in Las Vegas, a couple of weeks ago.

-You get about, don't you?

-Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I still haven't found love, so I try to get out there.

You and Kelly were kind of looking for love?

Yeah, and then we noticed Justin Bieber was sitting

two rows behind us and we thought, you know what?

Valentine's Day is coming up, we're both single,

let's just make a play for him.

At first, we thought it would be funny, but then it actually worked.

And we sent Justin an note through our bodyguard...

-I think we've got the note.

-Oh, really?

LAUGHTER

And then....

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

As you can see from exhibit A,

it is ticked seven times, yes?

So, I believe that means seven dates he owes me. Uh...

And I'm thinking horse riding, or a private pool party.

He hasn't got back in touch with me about the actual date

and I should probably stop talking about it,

cos you're going to think I'm really weird.

But you did get a picture taken with him?

-Yeah, we hung out all night.

-Oh, did you? And here you are.

I think most girls meet Justin and be like, "Ahh!"

And be a bit pathetic, but I met him and just was like,

"Hey, what's up?"

LAUGHTER

I had really good game. Yeah, I was quite proud of myself.

He still looks quite nervous.

No, no - that's just because I was holding his balls.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Now, let's talk about Julianne's new movie, Freeheld.

It's released February 19th in cinemas and On Demand.

Now, your last movie, Still Alice,

dealt with the very difficult subject of early onset dementia.

So, this time, what have you brought us?

Marriage equality and cancer.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Actually, it's a really, really wonderful movie

and it's based on a true story of this woman named Laurel Hester,

who was a police detective in New Jersey

and she wanted to leave her pension

to her younger partner, Stacie Andree,

when she was diagnosed with lung cancer.

And the county officials turned her down.

This only happened ten years ago, when it really was their fight

during the last year of Laurel's life that changed history

and really paved the way for marriage equality in the United States.

And it is a really uplifting and inspiring story,

but you have that quality that you take something

that should be quite depressing and make it luminous and inspiring.

Aw, thank you.

She was a really inspiring person, Laurel Hester -

and it was an honour to get to play her.

And really, it is about love

and how you want to continue to care for

the people you love in your life.

So, in that way, it is very uplifting.

And the other uplifting thing is, of course,

it's now - happily, in America - it's now history.

That's right. We have marriage equality,

-which is a very, very big deal.

-It's very recent history.

So, it's a nice thing to be able to look back on this.

Yeah, and to celebrate what they accomplished.

-And her partner is still alive?

-Yes, Stacie Andree.

-Presumably, you got to meet her?

-Oh, yeah. I spent a lot of time with her.

She still lives in the house that they lived in

and I also met her police partner and so, was able to meet her family

and really had access to everyone in her life.

Wow. Let's have a look at a clip from Freeheld.

This is you as Laurel and your girlfriend played by Ellen Page.

-The wonderful Ellen Page.

-She is terrific.

And this is just after you've formalised your civil partnership.

-I got something for you.

-Yeah?

Looks like the beach.

Thanks.

-I got something for you, too.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

It's a card from the police union.

Got your name on it.

It says we're family.

So, if you're stopped while you're driving -

and let's face it, you do drive fast -

just give this to the officer, you won't get a ticket.

"Family".

I guess that makes it official, huh?

Official, baby.

APPLAUSE Aw...

APPLAUSE

And Ellen Page there, she's amazing,

-and the film was very personal to her, I guess.

-Yeah, absolutely.

Because before filming, she came out.

-She came out, yeah...

-Which is commitment, can I just say?

That's commitment, Julianne Moore, you're slacking.

LAUGHTER

-Pretending to be a lesbian.

-I know, I know.

What is amazing was her first role as an out gay woman, you know,

playing a gay character, so it was really meaningful to her.

I bet it was. But wasn't it that she

thought you were going to be Miss Method and serious?

Yeah, she thought I was really methody. I'm not.

-Are you really not?

-No, I'm just pretending.

Yeah, it's all pretending.

So do real methody people then get annoyed with you, because...?

Sometimes they do because of how much I talk.

Because I like to talk between takes about what I had for lunch

and what I'm going to do this weekend and these shoes that

I bought and, "Do you like the shoes that I bought?

"Should I take the shoes back? What do you think?

"Do you want to have lunch or should we have lunch later?

"Do you want a snack?" All the way up to action.

And every once in a while, someone will say, like, "Please be quiet!

-"For one minute!"

-And don't you sing a lot?

Yes. Yeah. I do.

It does sound quite annoying.

LAUGHTER

-It is, it is.

-And what sort of songs do you sing?

-Like...

# Peanut butter jelly time Peanut butter jelly time

# Peanut butter jelly time... #

It's getting more annoying.

What's the weird thing at home that your kids don't believe you

when you laugh?

Oh, my daughter says I have a fake laugh.

I think I'm just trying to be...

You know when your kids say something,

you're like, "Oh, honey, yeah..."

And it's like, "That's not funny."

If I was a kid, I'd be going, "No, this isn't working."

That's not funny, that's completely fake, Mom. "No, I laugh like that."

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Now, forgive me, because of course, Ant and Dec,

we forget, you are actors.

-We started as actors.

-I know, you did. Byker Grove.

I'm not sure if Rebel or Julianne are familiar with Byker Grove.

It sounds very dramatic.

-Oh, it was.

-Some very hard-hitting storylines in Byker Grove.

LAUGHTER

I thought you were a girl in that one.

LAUGHTER

Then I realised it was leaves, yeah.

This is a very rare picture because this is Dec and Ant.

-Oh, yeah, the wrong way round.

-You're the wrong way round.

Are you always in the same position?

We try, so people can remember which one's which, but it fails.

It doesn't work.

-Doesn't work.

-That's Dec and Ant or Duncan and PJ.

You were PJ and Duncan. Now, in the show, which one of you went blind?

Me, my character. PJ went blind. He was shot in the eyes.

Shot in the eyes!

At paintballing.

That's funny to you.

Shot in the head and went blind.

LAUGHTER

Shot in the eyes.

It was, er, it was a freak paintballing accident where PJ was

in the middle of a love triangle

and the two girls he was kind of messing around with

shot at the same time, and both paintballs hit him in the eyes.

That'll teach 'em. That'll teach 'em.

No shame in soap opera acting

because Julianne Moore, Oscar winner - I think I mentioned it earlier -

-you... That was your first job.

-Yeah, As The World Turns

-it was called, mm-hm.

-How many years were you in that?

-Three.

It was my first big job. There's my family, my soap family.

Me and my mom and Dad and my grandparents and my brother

and my little brother and my sister-in-law.

-And for three years, like, a LOT of things happened to you.

-Sure, sure.

I was kidnapped. I didn't go blind. I did have amnesia. I did...

It turned out that my boyfriend was a killer, and he also slept with my

half-sister slash cousin cos it was dark and he couldn't tell us apart.

LAUGHTER

Could happen to anyone.

I was like, "Oh! You couldn't tell us apart! Oh, OK."

Did you forgive him?

Yeah, of course, yeah, but then he turned out to be a killer

so it was a mess.

Oh, bad news bears.

Rebel, lots of actors who make it big in Hollywood have come

through the Australian soaps.

Yeah, the soaps like Home And Away, Neighbours. Not me.

-My very first...

-Did you audition for them or anything?

I didn't even get a chance to audition.

My very first agent meeting, I got rejected cos they, like,

looked me up and down and said,

"Yeah, you're not ever going to be on Home And Away.

-"So we're not going to take you."

-Is that the only job in Australia?

One of them, yeah.

You tweeted this picture recently of yourself when you were starting out.

Is this, like, a head shot you would use for auditions?

-This is my first acting head shot.

-Aw!

-There are a lot of questions...

-OK.

LAUGHTER

OK, why am I holding a softball mitt and a softball?

Just in case you didn't get that I was sporty.

-Oh!

-Yeah.

-You can play athletes, is that what you were saying?

Yeah, I guess.

And then I'm wearing, like, the world's finest gold chain.

-Cos you're feminine as well.

-Yeah.

And an oversized T-shirt. I've just let my hair go feral.

LAUGHTER

Obviously had not met up with a professional stylist

at that point in my career.

And then I just liked the random graffiti cos

I did come from kind of the ghetto area of Sydney, so...

Most people just have, like, a plain background.

-Urban.

-Yeah, she's a rebel.

Like, yeah,

but no wonder nobody thought I would be a professional actress

with that headshot. Like, you can't stage something like that.

You look like you were in a great mood

and then you saw something truly awful.

Just like...

-Yeah, that. There you go. That's it.

-Yeah.

Now, Ant and Dec, when you decided to kind of move away from PJ

and Duncan and become Ant and Dec, rebrand yourselves as Ant and Dec,

you went through a sort of makeover, didn't you?

A kind of extreme makeover.

Yes, yeah we did.

It wasn't our idea but we...

Yeah, we wanted to ditch the names PJ and Duncan and become Ant and Dec,

our real names, so I think it was Smash Hits magazine said,

"Well, you should do an image makeover. Why don't you do that?"

-So...

-Take That had done one and it worked really well.

We thought, "Yeah. Let's do it. Take That have done it."

So Ant said, "I'll shave me head."

I'm like, "Oh, right. OK.

"Ooh, I don't really want to do that, that looks silly, that.

"I'll dye me hair."

So the idea was to dye my hair blonder, but it just went ginger.

-Nothing wrong with that, of course.

-I was going to say...

-What I mean was it wasn't quite the look we were going for.

-Right.

This is the cover of Smash Hits.

There you go.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, it's not... It's vibrant yellow.

What I would say is, though, that happened,

and you obviously saw that in vibrant colour on a newsstand.

You then did a shoot for a gay magazine, Attitude,

and you thought, "We can tone this down and sex it up."

LAUGHTER

-It's what they say down the bottom there.

-Oh, yeah.

"Ant and Dec, Cocks of the north."

LAUGHTER

It looks like you've just put soil in your hair.

A bit of potting clay.

-That's pretty much what I did.

-And then there's a brilliant picture inside.

-This is brilliant.

-Oh, God.

-No, don't worry, Ant. You're safe.

-Oh, good.

This is Dec and I don't know what the instruction was, what the

photographer said to Dec, but he must have said,

"Well, you're in a gay magazine.

"Do something that will really appeal to the gay readership."

I don't want to see this!

LAUGHTER

You've just stuck your hand down your pants!

You look like you're just itching your hole.

It was like... "The boys are going to love this!"

Come over here, boys, I've got an itchy arse.

Oh, God.

Oh, dear. Different times.

-Different times.

-Is that your copy, by the way?

-Yes, it is.

I've had it since.

There's a lot of stuff out there.

If you dig deep enough, there's a lot of bad photos of us.

But, hey, listen. Ant and Dec, back where they belong,

Saturday Night Takeaway is back on ITV on the 20th of February

and when people come on and say, "Oh, yeah, it's bigger and better."

But it really is. Like, you've got this extraordinary live finale.

Yeah, from a cruise ship.

-Oh, my God.

-Where will it be?

-I know! Barcelona.

It's a cruise round the Med, cos every year we give tickets away

and normally the winners fly off live on the final

show of the series, but this year, we're doing the entire...

We're giving tickets away to a cruise round the Mediterranean

and we're doing the entire show live from a cruise ship,

and it's harboured in Barcelona.

Hopefully, there's not an E. coli outbreak.

-Norovirus could bring us down.

-It'd be an explosive show.

LAUGHTER

That's one of the things. We're not quite sure how it's going to go.

-I mean, that's the idea.

-And also the link could drop out.

Then you don't have to do it.

Cut a wire.

Not my fault! You were there.

Yeah, we've got no idea and it's quite exciting.

It's quite scary, but that's good, I think.

But you've got lots of the same things coming back.

All the favourites. Little Ant and Dec are back.

Little Ant and Dec Under Cover are back.

And also we've got a new item called "Who Shot Simon Cowell?"

And it's...

It's a weekly drama.

It's like a weekly four-minute drama with cliff-hangers.

-Because you forget we're actually actors.

-Of course!

And it was devised by Chris Chibnall, who wrote Broadchurch.

Wow!

We asked him on the off-chance - he went, "Yeah." We went, "What?"

I tell you what, to save you

explaining any more, we've got a clip.

This is the beginning of the ongoing drama of "Who Shot Simon Cowell?"

-I think the birthday boy's about to arrive. Come on, everybody.

-Come on.

CHEERING

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you... #

That is so obvious. Second song?

What?

BULB EXPLODES

HE GROANS

Someone shot Simon Cowell!

We know, dear. We all saw it.

APPLAUSE

I love that Christopher Biggins has found a suit the same

colour as his skin.

LAUGHTER

That can't have been easy. In the shop going, "Is it...?"

Why is that other girl exposing her bush?

LAUGHTER

That's Sinitta, it's a long story.

I was going to say, trying to

explain Sinitta, it's very, very hard.

But, yeah, there's lots of people

who have a motive to shoot Simon Cowell.

Let's be honest. So that's it over the course of the series.

And I must mention, Wednesday the 24th,

back hosting the Brits for the third time.

-Yes.

-Last year, a big success.

But... Well, the thing that everyone remembers about last year's Brits,

-you missed.

-Yeah, we kind of missed it.

-Yeah, Madonna falling...

Did you see this back in the States?

She was wearing a cape, and they pulled the cape

and it was tied too tight and it pulled her off the stage.

It was amazing.

No, I was in the audience. It was 20,000 people going...

We'd done our last link.

Our last thing was link into Madonna, we'd hit, you know,

we'd landed the plane, we were out of there.

And you know what it's like, as soon as you go, "Are you coming back?

"You're not coming back to me? Great." Earpiece out.

Microphone off. Champagne.

We clinked and went, "Well, that went well. That went smoothly."

And then there was just this gasp in the room

and we turned around and she was on her back.

We couldn't quite work out if it was part of the routine.

We weren't sure. I had champagne in my hand.

I wasn't too bothered, if I'm honest with you.

Went back to the dressing room, watched the news at ten,

and she'd fallen.

It was the news headline, wasn't it?

We got back to the room just in time for the news to start.

It was like, "Madonna has fallen at the Brits."

"Ooh, is that what happened?"

And Rebel Wilson, of course, you've hosted. You hosted the MTV...

Yeah, I tried to host and, yeah, it's really nerve-racking.

-Do you guys get nervous?

-Yeah.

Yeah, I get, like, really nervous, especially when it's live.

And I think at MTV I did, like, a nip slip.

We've got some of your outfits. You did some very good outfits.

I call that one Iron Mangina.

Custom-made for the event.

-I think we've got your, your...

-Yeah, that's the double nip slip.

LAUGHTER

I just had to, like, up the ante on the nip slip situation.

That's your Oscar loser face, right there.

-That got cut from the non-live telecasts.

-Really?

Yeah, cos it really is live when you're doing those things,

but then when they replay it they cut out all the super rude bits.

And even a fake nipple would be too...?

Yeah, people thought it was real.

I'm a screw-up from Australia.

Weird stuff might have...

She could have been exposed to asbestos or something.

She's Australian. It could be a spider bite.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, it is Valentine's weekend,

and Rebel Wilson brings us the perfect film in How To Be Single.

It previews on the 14th and opens everywhere on the 19th,

so Rebel, what's it about? Who are you in this film?

I play Robin, she's, like, a functioning alcoholic.

So typecast again.

I'm one of the four main girls and... Oh, yeah. Getting smashed.

Whilst filming the scenes.

It was a really fun shoot.

I can't remember a lot.

But the movie basically follows myself,

Dakota Johnson, Leslie Mann, Alison Brie,

who are four single women just living it up in New York City

and they have very different

ways of dealing with the fact that they're single.

And you do get to kiss a lot of people in this movie.

-Yeah.

-And is it true you got to hand pick them?

Oh, gee. OK, so one of the days,

we were filming a big nightclub sequence, where the director just

wanted me to randomly pash a lot of the guys on the dance floor,

so I got to choose which ones I wanted.

And it's really embarrassing,

because the assistant director yells out, "OK,

"if anybody does not want to kiss Rebel Wilson, stand over there."

Oh, no!

Only, like, three wankers went over there.

LAUGHTER

And then the rest, they were all lined up,

and then I had to parade down and, like, choose.

It was very embarrassing, and I chose, you know, a selection.

Different ethnicities, you know.

And then one African American gentlemen, who I chose, came up to

me at the end of the day, and said,

"I just want you to know that you've really changed my life."

And I was like...

I mean, at first I was a bit freaked out, because I was like,

"Were you gay and then now I've turned you?"

LAUGHTER

Or, you know, "Did you have some

"disease and you've passed it on to me?

"Now I'm going to sue you and your life's really going to be changed."

No, but really, he was just

so honoured out of the sea of men to have been selected.

-Aw.

-By me and it was like, "I feel like I've done good today."

LAUGHTER

And, of course, you mentioned, one of your co-stars,

Dakota Johnson, and was this right after Fifty Shades of Grey?

Yeah, she'd just done Fifty Shades of Grey

and I had the day I started filming this movie,

Pitch Perfect 2 came out and we're really on the streets of New York

City, so we had, like,

teenage girls and late middle-aged perverts

coming up to us.

Could you see them coming?

-Could you kind of go, "Dakota, one of yours."

-Yeah, yeah.

The guy holding the flower.

"Dakotes, that's for you."

-And masking tape.

-Yeah.

Our clip is your character giving

Dakota some tips on how to text boys.

If Tom texts you, which he won't cos it's still daylight,

-wait four hours to respond.

-I was not even thinking about Tom.

Anything sooner implies that you're needy and really co-dependent

and incapable of a simple hook-up, which is all he's good for.

I think that I could be actually, like, a good...

And when you respond, do not respond in full sentences,

and if you use an emoji, I will tit punch you.

-Fine.

-Fine.

PHONE BUZZES

-No, no! Oh, no!

-You can have this back at the end of the day.

An emoji!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Fifty Shades of Grey all over again!

That girl cannot catch a break.

And I really did connect with her tit.

I didn't mean to.

You know, cos you do it about five or six times,

and five out of the six I didn't connect.

One out of the six it was just like right on the nipple.

Yeah.

Now, the film has lots of kind of advice on dating

and how to navigate dating and some of the rules I was aware of.

There were some I...

So I was not aware of this. Explain dick sand.

OK. Dick sand is where a girl meets a guy and she kind of

-loses herself cos she falls into his dick sand.

-Oh, yeah.

What?

-See, Julianne knows.

-It's like quicksand.

-Exactly, but it's dick sand.

-With dicks.

-You got it.

LAUGHTER

You said that out loud.

You weren't just thinking that. You said it.

"Oh, it's like quicksand, but with a... Oh..."

-Clever!

-You girls.

No, but you see it happen with girls all the time.

They, like, just become part of the relationship and lose who they

are and that's really what happens to Dakota's character in the film.

But doesn't that happen to boys as well?

-Don't boys get lost in their girlfriends?

-In the vadge pond.

LAUGHTER

Well, I can tell you,

we spent hours trying to think what they'd call that.

We got men get lose in the labia-rinth.

Oh, yeah!

That's good. Yeah. I say "we", but I didn't come up with it.

But I did think, "Ooh, that's very good. I'll have it."

"I'll say that on the show and appear clever."

-And Ant and Dec, obviously, both married now.

-Yeah.

-You just got married last year, wasn't it?

-Last year, August, yeah.

-Congratulations.

-Thank you.

-And now...

-Ant?

-Yep?

-You are married,

but I do think,

-how the hell does your wife put up with you?

-I think this! Yeah!

Like, "..and happily married." Why?

Tell them, tell them. You know the story. This is so mean.

-This is such a mean prank.

-Yeah, we were a lot younger.

So, I've been with my wife...we've been married ten years this year.

We've been together about 20 years.

When we first started getting together,

we shared a flat in London, in Fulham.

And I thought it would be hilarious one night,

we'd been out for a drink or something,

she was in the flat on her own and I said, "Wouldn't it be funny

"if you pretended to be me and get

"into bed with her and then see what the reaction is."

-That's like what happened on my soap opera.

-Yes, yes!

-It is true.

-So I was like, "Well, I'm game."

LAUGHTER

-Sounds funny to me!

-"How long are you going to be?"

No, so he was like, "What would you normally say?"

I said, "Hiya, pet",

or "hi, babe", and he'd practise it with a deep voice.

I said, "A bit deeper than that."

I said, "I'm quite clumsy around the bedroom,

"so just make sure you bang into some things."

And then, when he got into bed, I'd leave it a minute or two,

then open the door, put the light on and go,

"what the bloody hell's going on here?"

Absolutely hated the guy. Didn't find it funny at all.

Still hasn't forgive us. So, yeah, I do wonder how she puts up with me.

-There's a few of them, actually.

-I just love the fact that you thought

-that was going to be funny in

-any way. I know!

It's true. It's true.

I put a wig in the bed once and then pillows and pretended it was me,

and jumped out the window, went along the balcony and then watched

her go to bed, put her nightie on,

get in the bed, go to cuddle and...

"OH, MY..."

That is better. Yeah, yeah.

I've learned now, I don't do that kind of stuff. As much.

Have you got big Valentine's weekend plans?

-We're working on Valentine's Day.

-Handy!

LAUGHTER

Worryingly, my wife is actually our manager, so she controls the diary,

so she obviously doesn't want to go out with me on Valentine's Day.

She's put me to work!

And Julianne, what are you doing?

The BAFTAs. The BAFTAs are always on Valentine's Day.

-Are they always?

-What does that mean? Yeah, they're always

-on Valentine's Day.

-Oh!

-Yeah, so I'll be there.

-Plans?

-I'll be at the BAFTAs as well.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Just looking for love.

LAUGHTER

Idris Elba.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK!

It's time for music.

Now, this group are the hottest girl band in the world right now.

They've already sold over 12 million records

and now have two BRIT Award nominations.

Here performing Secret Love Song with Jason Derulo,

please welcome the Little Mix!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# When you hold me in the street

# And you kiss me on the dance floor

# I wish that it could be like that

# Why can't it be like that?

# Cos I'm yours

# We keep behind closed doors

# Every time I see you I die a little more

# Stolen moments that we steal as the curtain falls

# It'll never be enough

# But we know this

# We got a love that is hopeless

# Why can't you hold me in the street?

# Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?

# I wish that it could be like that

# Why can't we be like that?

# Cos I'm yours... #

Please welcome to the stage, Jason Derulo!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# When you're with him do you call his name?

# Like you do when you're with me? Does it feel the same?

# Would you leave if I was ready to settle down?

# Or would you play it safe and stay?

# Girl you know this

# We've got a love that is hopeless

# Why can't you hold me in the street?

# Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?

# I wish that it could be like that

# Why can't we be like that?

# Cos I'm yours

# And nobody knows I'm in love with someone's baby

# I don't wanna hide us away

# Tell the world about the love we making

# I'm living for that day

# Someday

# Can I hold you in the street?

# Can I kiss you on the dance floor?

# I wish that we could be like that

# Why can't we be like that?

# Cos I'm yours

# I'm yours

# Oh, why can't you hold me in the street?

# Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?

# I wish that it could be like that

# Why can't it be like that?

# Cos I'm yours

# Why can't I say that I'm in love?

# I wanna shout it from the rooftops

# I wish that it could be like that

# Why can't we be like that?

# Cos I'm yours

# Why can't we be like that?

# Wish we could be like that. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Little Mix, everyone! Great job! And Mr Derulo!

And Little Mix, come up and see us, do.

Come and see us! There we go!

Up, up, there you go. Welcome to the show.

Hello, darling. Welcome. And welcome. And welcome.

Little Mix!

Great job.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, hello, hello, hello.

Oh, It's like a reception line at a wedding.

Yes, shove up, shove up.

Two and two. There you go, lovely, lovely.

Thank you so much for coming, and what a nice surprise, Jason Derulo.

CHEERING

-That was very...

-There's a spot for Jason here...

LAUGHTER

And of course that single is from the album, Get Weird,

which is out now. You know what?

Here is a thing, people don't make enough fuss of Little Mix.

ALL: Aaaw!

No, they don't.

Because that album, it outsold One Direction last year.

I mean, Little Mix are a big deal.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, album, very, very good, but, and I will spare your blushes,

but ladies, this album, it is a little bit raunchy.

A little bit. Yes, we got a bit older with the lyrics.

-But some we had to change cos the label wasn't too happy.

-Yes.

-For instance, A-D-I-D-A-S is not a song about sportswear.

-No.

-Not quite.

-What is it about?

-Sex.

-There, she said it!

Out of her young mouth, came that disgusting word(!)

-"All I do..."

-"All day I dream about ... with you."

-Oh, do you? Well, I'd no idea!

-With him?

I think you're barking up the wrong tree there.

Yeah! It may remain a dream!

APPLAUSE

We should say, by the way, tour, starting 13th March in Cardiff,

and then it culminates in, who knew?

Sheffield Arena. Sheffield has an arena.

And you are going to be in it. On 23 April.

-Yes.

-And we should just say, not just nominated for two Brit awards,

good luck with them,

but you have joined an amazing list of acts on the night.

Yes, we are absolutely crapping ourselves.

-Well that's good to know.

-You guys are doing it as well, aren't you?

I know, it is scary. Rihanna, Justin Bieber, Adele, it is huge for us.

Yes, it is great. It's going to be a good night.

What are you doing, what are you doing?

We can't actually say what song we are doing.

-I know!

-I'll tell you!

-I'll tell you later, yeah.

-I mean, presumably you are going all bells and whistles?

-Literally.

-We've got kneepads, sticks...

-Well!

You're really selling it, ladies(!)

You've really pushed the boat out there(!)

Kneepads, sticks, bells, and whistles. Well!

That's the end of the show right there. That is it.

Listen, good luck, thank you for coming,

and best of luck at the Brits, with the nominations.

Little Mix, everybody! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Just before we go we do have time for a visitor to the big red chair.

-So let's see who is there. Hello?

-Hello.

-Hi.

-Hi.

I just... LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Just not in the mood! LAUGHTER

That could have been the best story in the world, but there was something,

it was all put together, something, in the way she spoke,

and I thought, this might not be a real person.

-If anyone is willing, we'll have one more. One more. Hello.

-Hello!

-Hi, what's your name?

-Amy.

-Amy, lovely. And what do you do, Amy?

I work in pharmaceuticals.

-It does make me laugh that you have blended into that chair.

-I know!

-It's quite well done.

-Just a necklace and a head.

It is the opposite of Chris Biggins.

All right, Amy, off you go with your story.

OK, so it was just before Christmas,

my boyfriend and I went to Amsterdam,

and while we were in Amsterdam he said to me

that he had heard his friends say there was this really good bar

where you go and a girl would write you a postcard

using her downstairs area.

So he thought this would be really fun...

LAUGHTER Sorry, just before Christmas?

You could bring in all your cards, couldn't you? Save some time!

So I thought, why not?

So we went to this bar, and we walked in the door

and we had to pay to get in, obviously,

and unfortunately they did not take Amex,

which was his credit card, so I had to fork out 100 euros

to get into this place,

so we go upstairs, we meet all these lovely ladies,

and it turns out we have to give them even more money,

and then it transpires that we can't just get the postcard,

we have to buy a package of products.

So I didn't sign up for this, but Steve was like,

"I really, really want this postcard."

So I was like, OK, we'll do this.

LAUGHTER OK, I need to know this right now.

-Are you still with this man?

-Yeah.

-OK!

So anyway, so we paid her some more money

and then what happens is, I just think Steve is going to do

all this stuff, but then the woman is like,

"No, you have to do that as well."

-So I ended up...

-You had to write?

No, no, I didn't write the postcard.

LAUGHTER

If you can do that, you can walk!

-Here's a pen(!)

-Has anybody got a sharpener?

No, I definitely didn't do that.

OK, so, Amy, you have to do something, yes?

She made me massage her boobs, and her bum,

yes, it was pretty traumatic for me.

Have you got the address of this place?

I think she has got it written down somewhere.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Then Steve had to do the same, thankfully, but, yeah,

we did get our postcard, and it is now on our fridge at home.

-So there's our story.

-I think she deserves to walk.

-Yes.

Walk, walk, Amy, go on. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, then, everyone.

If you'd like to join us on the show you can contact us

via our website at this address:

That is it for tonight.

Please say a huge thank you to my guests, Little Mix!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Rebel Wilson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ant and Dec!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And Julianne Moore!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We are taking a short break but we will be back later in March.

Meanwhile, do join me next week for a special look back

at some of the highlights from this series.

I'll see you then, goodnight everybody, bye-bye.