Episode 5 The Graham Norton Show

On the show tonight, we have the stars of the new Bond film, Spectre.

But I'm a bit tied up. I need someone to come and save me.

I wish they've hurry up and save me.

CHEERING

Oh! Thank God!

Yes! No, no, shut up!

Hi!

-How you doing, Graham?

-I'm good. Er...a little help here, please?

-Is that the time? You've lost weight.

-Daniel, no!

Let's start the shooooooow!

Oh!

CHEERING

Well...

Good evening, all. Good evening, all. Welcome, welcome, welcome, all.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Oh, I love the smell of burning crotch in the evening.

Now...a great show for you tonight

and, of course, later on, there will be a full orchestra right there,

for a stunning musical performance by Mr Sam Smith, everybody.

Yes, there will. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Don't miss it. Yes, James Bond is in town. He's back.

But, of course, he's not the only one.

No, the Chinese Premier's been here.

The Queen laid on a lavish banquet for him.

There they all are - the Queen, Princess Kate, David Cameron -

all at the top table.

This is where they sat Jeremy Corbyn.

LAUGHTER

Now, after the banquet,

the Chinese Premier stayed the night at Buckingham Palace.

-CROWD:

-Oooooooh!

-Now, no, stop that!

Nothing happened!

The Queen isn't like that.

Her Majesty has only even taken one man to her bed chamber.

Ooh! LAUGHTER

Let's get some guests on!

He is a double Oscar winner for Quentin Tarantino's last two films,

Inglourious Basterds and Django Unchained.

Now, he's the latest in a long line of brilliant Bond villains.

Please welcome Christoph Waltz!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hello, sir!

Really nice to meet you. Have a seat, do.

Christoph Waltz!

She scared us in 28 Days Later,

thrilled us in Pirates Of The Caribbean

and moved us in Mandela: Long Walk To Freedom.

Now, she's reinvented the role of Miss Moneypenny. It's Naomie Harris!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Oh, it's the '60s!

So '60s!

It's very nice. Come in, have a seat.

And this man needs no introduction.

He's already the most successful James Bond of all time

and now he's back.

Please welcome Daniel Craig!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello! It's lovely to see you.

They're excited tonight, I tell you.

Oh, good show. Welcome, all. Welcome, all.

You must be all in a good mood.

Everyone loves the new movie. It's all excellent.

You've done it, it's great! Relax...

-And now we're here.

-LAUGHTER

Now, don't you start!

Now, Christoph, er... VAL-tz?

-Correct?

-Yeah.

-Oh, good!

-Not wrong, at least.

-LAUGHTER

-It can be tricky, this.

I aim that high!

Erm, have you been on a British talk show before?

-Erm... I might have, but if I have, then I forgot.

-OK.

You've blanked it from your mind.

Now, Naomie Harris, great to have you on the show.

Tell us about you as an actor.

You take such a variety of roles, so people may not even know

that they enjoyed you in Pirates Of The Caribbean.

Cos this... That's you!

-Er, which is quite a strong look.

-It's a very strong look.

I tried to actually rock that look, very unsuccessfully, actually.

The black lipstick, the dreadlocks...

It's not good in real life.

No?

-Where did you try to rock that look?

-Just out on a Friday night.

-As you do!

-Yeah. "Who's she?!

"She's been watching Pirates Of The Caribbean..."

And the odd thing about when you're making a movie like this,

Daniel, you do hurt yourself a lot.

Like, in the previous ones, what's happened to you?

Erm... I've had my right shoulder reconstructed.

I've had this left knee operated on, my right knee operated on...

-Er... My thumb hurts...

-LAUGHTER

-Dry scalp.

-A lot!

Itchy crotch.

It's very difficult!

So, you get to do all the action and running around and Naomie, now,

last time you did.

You trained, you were out there.

We've got a shot of you giving it your all. Here you are. Look at that!

It's great.

She cares!

Naomie cares a lot more than that lady does.

Does she even know she's...?

She looks like, "Why are they filming me shopping?!"

I don't think she's in the movie.

Didn't you have a thing when you were doing action stunts with...?

Was that an extra? When you were doing the driving?

Yeah, I had to drive into a crowd of people and everybody,

all the extras were supposed to part, like a sea, for the car -

as you would do for a moving vehicle coming in your direction.

And one extra decided to just be a kamikaze and just, like,

dive in front of the car.

So, I almost ran him over, which was absolutely terrifying.

Was that a money-making scheme on his part?

-I don't know what was going through his head.

-You didn't hit him.

No, I didn't hit him, because I have very good reflexes.

-Very good driving skills.

-Yes!

-I can attest to that.

Christoph, you weren't injured in this film.

-Not on this one, no.

-No, no, because...

Yes, I'm trying to think...

-But you have been injured on a film.

-Yeah, yeah.

Well, you know, you get injured as you go along. Of course you do.

Mostly psychologically.

LAUGHTER

Er, but was it Django Unchained that you had to ride a horse?

Are you a natural horseman?

Erm, oh... I think I'm more naturally a horse than a horseman.

-But...

-Hello! OK.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

If you say so!

I'll say it. That's me.

Good to know. I'll make a note.

Yeah, erm, I mean, whatever I will say now will top that thing,

so I'll refrain.

-We'll just leave it at that.

-Yes, please.

-You're a horse.

And, Christoph, literally, we just met.

-We've never met before.

-Yes.

And you seem very nice. Erm...

But, you know, what's useful, though, for me as an interviewer is -

I don't know if you know this - your fans on your fan page

have put together a handy list of dos and don'ts for the interviewer.

Which, some, I think are very good.

This is the site here. So you go down to the bottom.

There's some very good ones like, "Be humble."

That's good. "Do your homework. Show respect." All very good.

Some of them I feel are going to be a little more challenging. Er, like,

"Please do not ask him to describe his character in the film

"or to describe the film."

Don't!

Don't.

Time for music!

It's all on you guys, OK?

Now, the new Bond film, Spectre.

It opens everywhere this Monday and, er,

obviously, James Bond, Miss Moneypenny...

Are we allowed to ask you the name of your character?

You can ask anything you want.

-Who are you playing?

-Franz Oberhauser.

HE GASPS OK.

-That's all I really wanted to know.

-There you go.

-Baby steps. Baby steps.

-Yeah.

-Does it say on the website?

-No, it doesn't say baby steps.

-I'll put that up there. I'll type that in later.

-Please.

"Take baby steps."

So, what can any of you tell us about the plot?

SILENCE

LAUGHTER

I haven't actually seen it, so I can't tell you much, at all.

Wait, I've seen it - you're in it and you haven't seen it?

It's very good. I think you'll be pleased.

You - excellent!

-Seriously, it is really good. You've seen it, right?

-Yes, I have.

-Have you seen it?

-I have.

-Oh, phew!

-Oh, good.

-You're waiting.

-I'm waiting for the Royal Premiere.

-OK.

To see it with my family, you know.

All right!

"I'm not going to watch it by myself with these losers!

"I'm going to go with the Royal Family. Then, I'll watch it."

So, you can't tell us anything about it.

Can you tell us anything about the plot?

-HE SIGHS

-Erm...

I could sort of quote you the...

the trailer, but I mean, people have seen that.

-Bond discovers something from his past.

-Good, good. Excellent.

-And he gets a message from the past.

-Oh, yes?

-And he...goes rogue.

-Goes rogue, yes.

-And he...

..gets together with a few women, drives a nice car.

-Shoots a few people, gets in a fight.

-Yeah?

-Hurts his knee a bit.

And... Yeah, that's all I've got.

OK, that's good. What more do you want?

Hey, let's start with a reminder of why everyone loves James Bond.

This is big.

Wow! APPLAUSE

That's the opening sequence in Mexico and what's...

-Like, those are real people.

-Yeah, we... There were a lot of people.

We made more people.

Yeah, but still, that opening sequence in Mexico -

-because it is really Mexico, isn't it?

-It is. It's Mexico City, yes.

We filmed there and it was remarkable.

I mean, we had about 2,000 extras, I think.

Erm, they all had to be in costume, they all had to be in make-up

and they were some of the best extras I've ever worked with.

They were so enthusiastic.

You've been on a movie set.

It's just repetition, repetition, repetition...

-I was the extra.

-Uh-huh.

But you must have shut Mexico City, did you?

-I mean...

-We did, we closed it down, yeah.

And we flew helicopters around the streets and they gave us

lots of permissions I don't think you get in many cities.

Well, no, because you are doing proper helicopter stunts

-over real people.

-Yeah, we made it safe. We weren't...

We weren't going to put anybody in danger.

OK...

This is the most expensive Bond movie of all time, is that correct?

I think so.

Well, no, it ought to be. You go everywhere!

It's more locations than ever before.

Well, I mean, I think

that Sam had set something in motion with Skyfall and...

You know, we made a lot of money on that movie.

It was a very, very successful movie,

which is a high-class problem to have, but...

We had to make this better.

So, really we just wanted to make the best Bond film we could

and that means going to locations and being as glamorous

as we possibly can and just, sort of, throwing the kitchen sink at it.

And travelling around. Roger Moore, when I talked to him,

he talked about how it didn't matter where he went. He could show up

in a village in Timbuktu and people would go "James Bond, James Bond."

Were any of these locations...?

Could you go there and people didn't know that you were James Bond?

Erm...

-No. No, no.

-That's crazy, isn't it?

-It is crazy.

I can't get my head around it at all.

I mean, I've been in some very remote locations.

You've got to think - there isn't a cinema,

you don't have a television,

how the hell do you know who I am? And yet, they do.

I think most people do have televisions, I mean...

There are very few places.

-So...

-And because you are "James Bond", presumably people...

Do they treat you differently?

Are there perks, are there downsides?

I get treated very, very, very well.

And I have to, kind of, keep my feet on the ground,

otherwise it would really go to my head -

more than it's gone to my head, already.

Cos I heard you saying that drinks just appear.

It doesn't matter where you are, drinks appear.

Usually, sort of, at nine o'clock in the morning, as well.

-Someone just sends it.

-Hello!

There's not much wrong with that. No, you're right.

-Erm...

-Oh, is that why? You don't want to offend people?

Yeah, yeah!

-That's why he's drunk all day.

-It's a good excuse.

Cos you were warned, when you went into Skyfall,

weren't you warned that this was going to change your life, Naomie?

-Yeah.

-So, how has it affected your life?

It hasn't, really.

LAUGHTER

-Seriously, like...

-No drinks? Nothing?

-No, no drinks for me.

But I can go on the Tube, the buses, sit under a poster of myself

and no-one notices, at all.

-So...

-Is that disappointing?

It's a little bit disappointing.

That was a bit like a cry from the heart.

If you do see her out and about, ladies and gentlemen...

Shout out her name!

If you could mob her, get selfies, things like that.

Just, yeah, get strangers involved. Erm...

Now, Naomie, when you went for this,

did you know you were going to be Moneypenny?

Or did you think you'd be one of the Bond girls?

No, I was asked to audition as a Bond girl,

for the role of a Bond girl,

and I just went in for a laugh, to be honest,

because I know they audition thousands of people

all around the world and I just thought I was one of many.

I didn't really think I had a chance in hell, really, of getting it.

But was your Moneypenny, sort of, a Bond girl?

No, she is Moneypenny.

But the idea was I would audition for a Bond girl and then...

-Be so brilliant, you were Moneypenny.

-Yes.

No, then they would tell me that the role was actually for Moneypenny.

Oh, I see!

-They're messing with your mind...

-Exactly, exactly.

OK. Did you ever find out what your Bond girl name would have been?

Erm, it would have been Kiki Martin.

Kiki Martin. OK. I don't know if you know how this works.

Last time Daniel was here, yours was Cock Hargreaves.

Basically, it's whatever you call your private area.

We've talked about that before.

Yes. We know what you call yours.

And, er...Neddy.

And, er... And then your grandmother's maiden name.

What was yours again?

-Kiki Martin.

-Kiki Martin?

-Mmhm.

Cock, meet Kiki. Kiki, Cock.

As a child! As a child, you said as a child, right?

Yeah. Or now, I don't care.

Hiya!

Kiki Martin. Kiki Martin's a good name.

What would your Bond girl name be, Christoph?

Oo-ee...

It would be, erm...

-Well, we called it Horsey.

-Horsey.

Er... Horsey... Horsey Mayen.

Horsey Mayen!

Wow!

It sounds like a cross between horse radish and mayonnaise, doesn't it?

I'll have that with Horsey Mayen.

Delicious!

Now, here's a thing.

In Skyfall, Naomie and Daniel, you had that very sexy,

potentially-dangerous scene, with the shaving.

CHEERING

Now which of you, or were either of you nervous going into that scene?

You must have been a bit nervous?

-No, she practised.

-I did. For six weeks, no less.

Were there a lot of bleeding extras?

-Members of the crew who came in and I'd practise on them.

-Really?

Yeah, in their lunch break. They liked it.

Did they have a choice?

Maybe not. I don't know.

Crying...

"I have children!"

You... Did you do the classic training on a balloon thing?

Yes, I did. Mm-hm.

Now, we heard that you were exceptionally good at shaving...

Well, it took me six weeks, so I don't think I was that good.

OK. So could you still do it?

If I got you to shave a balloon, could you still do it?

-I could give it a go.

-All right. She's game.

-I've got the bits of equipment here.

-Do we need to blow up the balloon?

-Well, we've got to blow up the balloon. Can you do that?

-I'll try.

You've got children. You must have done parties.

It's good. It's not as big as your head yet.

-Don't look at me!

-No, I'm not looking.

LAUGHTER

I can't do it if you're watching.

I'll shut my eyes.

This'll be in the next Bond film.

GRAHAM LAUGHING

-More?

-It's nearly as big as your head, keep going.

There, that's about right now. If you just want to tie it off.

And, now, Christoph, you're an artist.

I wonder, could you put Daniel's face on the balloon?

Thank you very much.

Lovely.

LAUGHTER

Please be kind!

It's a pink balloon. How kind can he be?

-We're going to put shaving foam on it.

-OK.

Are you confident you won't burst this?

Cos if you burst this, we are all going to be covered in this.

-No pressure, then!

-Let's see you.

Oh, actually, let's have a look. Turn like that.

APPLAUSE

-I'm not sure that applause is a good thing.

-I'm not, either.

OK. Can you soap it up, or do you want me to soap it up?

-You can soap it up.

-OK. OK.

-Do you want me to hold it?

-Why don't you?

Yes, thank you very much. HE HUMS

-Have you done this before?

-Oh, yeah.

-Er, OK, I'll put lots on.

-Yeah.

-It'll be easier to get off that way, won't it?

-No!

-OK.

-Harder.

LAUGHTER

OK, so, if you want to stand up, and I'd say shove down, you guys,

cos you're wearing expensive clothes.

-Er, OK...

-So I'm going to sit.

-Oh, you're going to sit? OK.

It's up to you. OK, I'll hold it for you. I'll hold it.

-Right...

-Oh... Oh, God.

-OK.

-This is unbearable.

Argh! Argh, argh, argh...

There's a towel. There's a towel,

there's a towel. APPLAUSE

-Perfect.

-OK.

It's around the lips that you have to be really careful.

It's a balloon!

Are you going to do this? You are, aren't you?

Yeah, because I was trained by the amazing Tony.

Of Guy? LAUGHTER

Oh, well done, you!

Excellent, very good! APPLAUSE

That's, er... That's...

There, it's gone. It's gone.

We'll have to explain that later.

How will we recover? That's so impressive!

-Thank you!

-Yeah!

Something to fall back on, isn't it? Something to fall back on.

All right, let's enjoy another taste of Spectre.

This is Daniel Craig with Christoph Waltz, who is...

They're just having a chat.

-Yes.

-You're just having a chat.

Information is all...

..is it not?

For example, you must know by now

that the 00 programme is officially dead...

..which leads me to speculate exactly why you came.

So, James,

why did you come?

I came here to kill you.

And I thought you came here to die.

Well, it's all a matter of perspective.

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

Now...

Now, this started for you...

You were a working actor all your life, you worked away,

and then this crazy thing happened, where suddenly you have global fame.

Yeah, but with me, I'm the other end of the spectrum.

When people see me, they duck and run.

But the thing is, like everyone else,

we discovered you on that world stage

when you did Inglourious Basterds, but I assumed you'd been

-just busy working in Germany, Austria, whatever...

-Yeah.

..but when you were young, though, you did try to crack America.

Yeah, I did.

I was there for about two years, waiting on tables, then I said,

"Do I want to be a waiter?"

Since I didn't, I went back.

So how did Quentin Tarantino find you?

Well, he had to look hard.

In the end, he was rewarded, let's say.

APPLAUSE

-He did change your life.

-Totally, completely.

Two Oscars. You've now got as many Oscars as he does,

which must be kind of annoying for him.

Well, the way I see it is, he kind of wrote the stuff that he

-offered me to win an Oscar with.

-Yeah.

-So I'm indebted to him.

Now, going back to your early acting days...

..there was a television programme.

What age were you when you were in - I think I'm saying it right -

Am Dam Des?

Yeah...

What age? Mmm, I don't know.

-Hmm, maybe 19?

-19.

Now, don't laugh too much, because we've got crap on you, as well.

This is a clip... Listen, we've all done things.

This is a clip from Am Dam Des,

but even in this, I think you can see the glimmer of greatness

that would one day lead to two Oscars.

HE SNORTS Roll the clip.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-HE SINGS:

-# Ich bin das neue Jahr

# Bin junger als das alte war

# Wie viel?

# Das ist jetzt die Frage

# Um 365 Tage. #

Oh, beautiful! CHEERING

Could you repeat that? I missed the last part.

So just because... Why did it say "1977" on you?

Because I was the new year.

Couldn't you tell?

You were certainly festive!

Did you keep the outfit? It's extraordinary.

I would like that - a New Year's outfit.

Yeah, it really is. Nothing says "New Year" like a knitted leotard.

But...

But, Daniel Craig, we turn to you.

Because you started very young, as well.

-STRAINED:

-Yes...

You were in school, in the National Youth Theatre.

When did you do panto? How old were you when you did panto?

Um...15, 14?

-15, 14.

-Yeah.

Now, annoyingly, we only have a still,

but it's still a quality picture, it's still a quality still.

This is Daniel Craig. See if you can spot which one he is.

He is one of the Ugly Sisters in Cinderella.

Can we zoom in on the faces?

Right or left, ladies and gentlemen?

-AUDIENCE:

-Left!

-Left.

-Yep.

Do you know who that is?

Um, I think it's, um...

-(Richard Kelly.) RELIEVED:

-Oh, thank you!

A long time ago. Richard Kelly.

Richard Kelly! Yay! He's here tonight. No, he's not.

Where was that?

At school. A school production of Cinderella.

-You really went for it, didn't you?

-That's my career right there.

Commitment, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, annoyingly, cos we kind of thought,

"Oh, Naomie was a child star! This will be hilarious."

No, Naomie - just ado-ra-ble!

-Aww!

-Is it Simon And The Witch you were in?

-Yes.

Look at Naomie, look at this.

-Oh, God.

-Look at that! AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

Aww!

You credit Danny Boyle for rescuing you from that side of your career.

Yeah, yeah, he actually gave me the part in 28 Days Later

when I'd just left drama school and that completely changed my career.

Then, he also gave me a part in Frankenstein, at the National,

which is the reason why I'm in Bond, in fact,

cos Sam Mendes came to see it, and Debbie McWilliams,

and that's how I got cast.

-It's a small world, isn't it?

-Yeah.

If you're in it.

APPLAUSE

We've got to ask you, Daniel,

how annoying is it when you're actually making a film,

you're actually out there, you're hurting your knee

your running down the street, you're reversing cars

and the papers are just full of who's going to be Bond next?

That must be a bit irksome.

I just ignore it. I don't really get involved with it,

so that's the way I deal with it.

There's always a...

There's always speculation round a Bond movie.

There's lots of excitement and lots of people have different opinions,

but I suppose that's just because we're hopefully getting it right

and that people are still interested, which is the best bit.

And if this film, as it looks like it's going to do,

does amazing business - blockbuster, blockbuster - presumably,

they'll just throw so much money at you, you'll have to do another one.

I would genuinely say this - I have never done any job for the money.

I've only ever...

You mightn't have been offered this much money before, though.

That's true.

That's true, but it's, uh...

I can't think about another one right at the moment,

because we've, literally, finished this one

and this is the best bit.

Now that all I care about is getting the film in front of an audience

and we'll see. I don't know.

-We hope you do.

-That's very nice.

-Fingers crossed, you do.

Listen, just before we meet Sam Smith,

this is very sweet. I don't know if you guys have seen this.

Someone posted it online and it's by an eight-year-old boy,

an eight-year-old boy wrote this, and it's, kind of, his review of Bond

and, through the eyes of a child,

really, this does capture the enduring appeal of James Bond.

He wrote, "Once there was a guy named Bond, James Bond.

"He was from Inglend.

"He was a very good actor in movies.

"He has a friend named M.

"James Bond gous in gun movies.

"And he never dies in all his movies.

"There are different actors. Some are not good.

"Some are good.

"Some are amazing.

"And at the end of the movies, there is kissey-kissey parts.

"I like them."

APPLAUSE

That's the plot.

Right, it is time for our musical guest tonight.

This man is a true home-grown superstar who's done it all.

He's won Brits and Grammys and now he's a world record-breaker

with his Bond theme, Writing's On The Wall.

Please welcome Sam Smith, everybody!

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello.

-Hi.

-How are you?

-Lovely to see you.

THEY GREET EACH OTHER

There you go, sir. Have you guys all met before, or is this it?

-Just out there.

-Out there now.

-We shouldn't say that, should we?

-If it's true, why not say it?

We did, just now. It's nice to meet you.

Because you heard the song fairly early on, Daniel, didn't you?

Yeah, I got...

You'd just recorded it, hadn't you?

Sent us a copy of it and I sat in a room with Sam

-and stuck some headphones on and...

-That early on? That's scary.

Have you seen it in the film yet?

-No, I'm the same as you. I haven't seen it.

-I haven't seen it, either.

-I want to save it for me and my family.

-Exactly.

All about the event, you know?

Oh, cos when you see it in the title sequence,

-it's so different.

-I love how you've seen it, as well.

I'm sure you could have seen it, if you'd wanted to.

I was offered to, but I'm so excited for Monday. It'll be beautiful.

How does it happen? Do you get a call? Do you make the call?

I got a call to go to Pinewood Studios, to meet Sam and Barbara,

and I didn't know what that meant.

-Sam Mendes and Barbara Broccoli.

-Yes.

Babs Broccoli, you know her.

-So, you go for the meeting...

-Yes, went in there, went into the office.

Lovely people, it was great,

and they gave me the script.

I couldn't believe it, they gave me script,

there's my name across it. You guys probably know this.

There's your name across every page,

which is scary as shit.

If you leave it somewhere...

Yeah, because if you leave it, everything's blamed on me.

-Yeah.

-Then I read the script, then I had a crack at the song.

But on the day, were they seeing other people?

-I think so, I don't know.

-Metallica.

"Metallica"!

It's like, when you first start dating someone, isn't it?

"Are you still seeing other people?"

"Yes."

-So, you write the song, you send it off.

-Yes.

Could they have gone, "Meh, not so much"?

I guess so. Thank God they didn't.

I was prepared to do many versions

-if they wanted me to.

-You were?

-Yeah.

But they did ask for some changes, is this right?

Yes, because lyrically, I think I'm quite a vulnerable writer,

quite an emotional writer,

and James Bond is quite a strong character...

I love that I'm telling you who you are.

Not that you are James Bond.

He IS James Bond.

We needed some tweaks lyrically, so Sam,

it was a massive collaboration between me and Sam,

because this fits with the film, I think,

and I wanted it to fit the storyline. It's hard, actually,

to bring out a song before the film's even come out,

cos, hopefully, when you see the film, it will all make more sense.

Like I say, when you see it in that opening title...

The opening title sequence is gorgeous.

-I'm talking to people who've seen it.

-I'm so excited.

It's really beautiful and, of course, the single is still out,

people can get the single.

Tonight, this is a world exclusive.

-You've never performed this song live.

-Never.

And I'm dreading it, absolutely dreading it.

-You wrote the song!

-I know, but do you know what?

I've only actually sung the song once, really,

because I did the demo in the studio and they used that.

It is horrible to sing. Horrible.

I regret... No, I don't regret.

-Why is it so bad to sing?

-It's just so high.

I have to grab my balls, it's awful.

APPLAUSE

Keep your eyes peeled, ladies and gentlemen.

WHOOPING

So this is it, this is a world exclusive,

the first live performance of the new Bond theme.

We're so excited you're doing it for us.

A bored orchestra awaits.

-Do go and join them.

-I shall.

-Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Smith!

-Thank you.

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

Right!

Shortly, we'll have this week's stories from the big red chair,

but first, performing Writing's On The Wall, it is Mr Sam Smith!

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

# I've been here before

# But always hit the floor

# I've spent a lifetime running

# And I always get away

# But with you I'm feeling something

# That makes me want to stay

# I'm prepared for this

# I never shoot to miss

# But I feel like a storm is coming

# If I'm gonna make it through the day

# Then there's no more use in running

# This is something I gotta face

# If I risk it all

# Could you break my fall?

# How do I live? How do I breathe?

# When you're not here I'm suffocating

# I want to feel love run through my blood

# Tell me, is this where I give it all up?

# For you, I have to risk it all

# Cos the writing's on the wall

# A million shards of glass

# That haunt me from my past

# As the stars begin to gather

# And the light begins to fade

# When all hope begins to shatter

# Know that I won't be afraid

# If I risk it all

# Could you break my fall?

# How do I live? How do I breathe?

# When you're not here I'm suffocating

# I want to feel love run through my blood

# Tell me, is this where I give it all up?

# For you

# I have to risk it all

# Cos the writing's on the wall

# The writing's on the wall

# How do I live? How do I breathe?

# When you're not here I'm suffocating

# I want to feel love run through my blood

# Tell me, is this where I give it all up?

# For you, I have to risk it all

# Cos the writing's on

# The wall. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sam Smith, everyone!

Wow!

That was stunning.

Thank you so, so much.

Come and sit down.

Have a seat there. How good was that?!

CHEERING CONTINUES

Wow.

It's amazing to have such a great film

and then to have that song in it,

-it's phenomenal. You must be thrilled, cock-a-hoop.

-Relieved.

Well, that, too.

Listen, very quickly, before we go onto the red chair,

we were talking about childhood ambitions earlier with the guys,

because apparently as a child, you wanted to be an astronaut,

is this correct?

No.

No, no, I actually didn't.

Are you referring to a certain...?

We have a lovely picture. This is Sam, this is Sam,

living the dream.

AUDIENCE ROARS

-Oh, my God!

-Is that Buzz Lightyear?

Yeah.

You know, I was too fat to fit in that,

it was split open at the back.

I was a fat, fat boy.

So you just take a pic not moving?

"This picture will last forever.

"One day, it will be on television."

OK, let's visit the red chair. Let's see who's there tonight.

-Ugh. Hello!

-Hey.

What's your name?

Denison. Paul Denison.

Oh, Jesus.

APPLAUSE

I have a sort of chill creeping through my bones

that we're just going to get that over and over again.

OK, fingers crossed, it is not a Bond Special red chair.

Hello.

-Hi.

-AUDIENCE WHOOPS

Wow, they're loving you. What's your name, sir?

-My name's Howie Poon.

-Howie Poon?

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

Is that your Bond Girl name?

That's it.

OK.

And what do you do, sir?

I'm a flight attendant.

A flight attendant? OK. Transatlantic or domestic?

-For American Airlines. I do international.

-Right, OK.

Yeah, yeah!

Do you look after the posh people or just the rabble?

-Just the rabble.

-Yeah, but you treat them nicely, I'm sure.

-Oh, of course, yes.

-So fired.

Off you go with your story.

I had to take my 70-year-old Chinese mom

to her gynaecologist check-up appointment

-and I...

-Can I just say,

already my hopes for this story are so high,

I can't tell you.

So, basically, we get to the office,

I tell her gynaecologist that I have to translate,

the gynaecologist has a smirk on her face and says,

"Well, I'm going to have to ask you

"a couple of uncomfortable questions to translate for your mom."

She's like, "I need to know if your mom is sexually active

"and I need to know how active she is."

NAOMIE GROANS

So keep in mind she's 70 years old.

I translate in Chinese - I'm like...

HE SPEAKS IN CHINESE LANGUAGE

Basically, that means, "Do you guys still have sex?"

So my mum hits me on the shoulder, she's like,

"You know your dad. Of course we do. Five to six times a week."

AUDIENCE ROARS

APPLAUSE

Wow!

So, basically, I'm completely embarrassed,

my mom's not even shy about it.

I go from, like, basically embarrassed to depressed

that my mum and dad are getting more than I am.

Aww!

Can he walk? You should walk.

Yeah, walk, walk.

APPLAUSE

That's nice, but his mother can't.

OK...

They'll cut that out.

No, they won't!

Let's have another one. One more, one more.

-Hello, sir.

-Hello.

-Hello, how are you?

-Good, thank you. How are you?

-I'm very good, thanks.

LAUGHTER

-What's your name?

-My name is Zach Ford.

-Zach Ford? Lovely.

Is that your real name?

-Yes, it is.

-It is tonight. OK!

-And where are you from, Zach Ford?

-I'm from New Zealand, Dunedin.

LOUD WHOOPING

I dunno.

-OK, Zach Ford... By the way, do you live here now?

-I do, yeah.

-What do you do here?

-I'm a primary school teacher.

Really?! OK.

Anyone else surprised? I was quite surprised.

"Zach Ford, primary school teacher."

IN SUAVE VOICE: "Hey, kids, let's count to ten."

He seems too cool.

They must worship you, Zach.

OK, Zach Ford, off you go with your story.

OK, so "a friend of mine"

was meeting his girlfriend's family for the first time.

They were meeting at the beach.

After meeting everyone, everything was going well

and suddenly, he had the urge to go to the toilet.

At the beach, there is nowhere really to hide behind

to do a number two.

Oh! AUDIENCE GROANS

So, the only place there was left was to go to the water,

so he swam out past the waves

and had himself an aqua-poo.

After succeeding,

he swam back in,

feeling pretty chuffed with himself,

got away with not having to go to the toilet in front of the family.

He went to go grab his towel and his girlfriend just looked at him

in disgust and was like, "What is that on your back?"

Oh! AUDIENCE HOWLS

-He was like...

-We can't.

APPLAUSE That's it.

That's it. That is it for tonight.

Well done, everyone in the big red chair.

All right, that's your lot.

Please say thank you to my guests, Mr Sam Smith!

CHEERING

Christoph Waltz!

CHEERING

Naomie Harris!

CHEERING

And Daniel Craig!

CHEERING

Join me next week, with another great line-up,

including model Cindy Crawford,

actress Sienna Miller, actor Bradley Cooper,

pop superstar Justin Bieber

and a very rare appearance, the great Dame Maggie Smith.

AUDIENCE OOHS I'll see you, then!

Goodnight, everybody, bye-bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE