Compilation Show The Graham Norton Show

This programme contains some strong language

-Selma Hayek, you're from Mexico.

-Exactly.

-And I actually speak a "poco" of Spanish.

-I see.

So I wonder, how would I say "let's start the show" en Espanol?

SHE SPEAKS SPANISH RAPIDLY

LAUGHTER

GRAHAM GASPS Oh!

LAUGHTER

SHE SPEAKS SPANISH RAPIDLY

LAUGHTER

And I just hope that they don't do

some...some lame Silence Of The Lambs bit.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SHE SPEAKS SPANISH EXCITEDLY

LAUGHTER

Bueno. LAUGHTER

Let's start the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh! Oh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh! Oh!

APPLAUSE Welcome one, welcome all!

You are very kind. It's compilation time, everybody!

CHEERING Yes, it is. Oh, yeah.

It's time to take a look back

at some of the highlights from the past series.

So many highlights. Starting with this.

Jack and I met on a magical night out,

when I humiliated myself

-more than I ever have before.

-Yeah, that was...

It was probably the best moment of my life.

-LAUGHTER

-It may be the worst of Jen's?

-Worst moment of mine.

-LAUGHTER

-For the first time ever, like, in my career...

I never assume anyone knows who I am,

and I saw Harrison Ford and JJ Abrams

and I was, like, "Yeah, this is fun. We're all co-workers.

"Like I can just go..." So I was like, "Be right back, guys,

"I'm going to go and say hi to the Star Wars dudes."

And I approached their table, was like...

LAUGHTER

And they all... The whole table was just like...

LAUGHTER

And so I realised, while I was dancing, "They have no idea I am."

"They have no idea who I am."

And so I just turned around

-and walked back...just dying.

-LAUGHTER

Cos I had done this show with Harrison Ford,

so he's like the only A-list Hollywood star that I know.

I mean, he's the only one that I have.

So, she had just been blanked and I was like, "Hey, it's all right,

-"I'll go say hi to Harrison."

-LAUGHTER

Everyone in the group was like, "Jack, don't do this.

"You will be humiliated."

I was like, "Nah, me and Harrison are tight."

They genuinely had no idea.

So I get up. I walk over and, at this point, I'm like,

"Oh, God! Maybe he won't remember me and I will be humiliated as well."

I walked over. And literally, as I walked over, he was like, "Hey, Jack!"

LAUGHTER

You're a superstar!

-That was so funny!

-APPLAUSE

-Now, Emilia Clarke, did you get to chat with everyone backstage?

-Yes.

-Erm, yeah, kind of.

-Did you get to talk to him?

-Yeah, kind of.

LAUGHTER

Emilia Clarke loves Matt LeBlanc!

LAUGHTER

Hi! Hi.

LAUGHTER

I'm actually blushing. Erm, yeah, I just think you're wicked.

ALL: Aw!

APPLAUSE

Are you returning the favour? Do you watch Game Of Thrones, Matt?

I watched it the first season and then I kind of fell out of it.

-And I tried to watch it this season.

-That's OK. That's OK.

And I don't know what's going on. I can't keep up.

There's lots of stuff going on.

-There's so much going on.

-Yeah, there is. There really is. It's OK.

-LAUGHTER

-It's all right.

-I could lie, but I don't want to lie.

-No. No, no, no.

You've seen the good bits. You've seen the first season.

-LAUGHTER

-Is it all downhill?

-I will watch, I promise.

-No, I know.

-I do have one slight request from you, though.

-What's that?

So, would you be able to ask me how I'm doing?

Oh, let's do that.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh.

You can say no. Everyone'll hate you, but you can say no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. Yes.

Well, since, you know, I haven't been up to speed on the show,

-I will say...

-Thank you.

-How you doing?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-I caught that from back here.

-It works!

-Yes, very well.

What's really embarrassing is, when Matt walked out,

I went, "How you doing?"

LAUGHTER

And then I was like, "Oh, shut up! What are you doing?!"

Is it true, Samuel L Jackson,

takes aren't a thing... You're not keen on...

I'm here to bear witness to the fact that Sam likes to move fast. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

-Very true.

-LAUGHTER

I don't... I don't vary that much. I'm not that actor.

I do the same thing all the time.

But sometimes, and I can speak from experience...

Like Sam is so charismatic...

and he has been for as many years as you've been making movies.

-And sometimes...

-LAUGHTER

But sometimes you're in a scene with Sam

and you just kind of go out of the scene

and you're just watching Sam being Sam.

And it's really powerful and you go,

"Hang on a second, what's my line?"

LAUGHTER

I've only had that... Well, I was doing a movie with Dustin Hoffman

and, in the middle of the shot,

Dustin just stops and goes, "Wait. Cut. Cut. Sam, I saw you."

I said, "You saw me what?" He said, "I saw you say to yourself,

" 'Oh, my God! That's Dustin Hoffman!' "

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I was like...

-"Shut up!"

-APPLAUSE

Now, another addition to the cast, our good friend Chris Hemsworth.

-Yes.

-I mean...

Now, I think...I think I've got a picture of Chris Hemsworth.

-Do I?

-Is he crying?

-I do. I do, yes.

WOMEN SCREAM

GRAHAM LAUGHS

That's just him coming out of the trailer.

-That's him coming out of the trailer.

-It's too much.

-It's crazy, isn't it?

-I just...

At a certain point, I thought,

"I have never rooted for someone maybe to be just an unbelievable jerk."

-I just needed something to be wrong with him.

-And there was nothing.

-Nothing.

And, for the four of you, it must be annoying,

because you kind of think, "We're very funny and here's this hunk."

-He's annoyingly funny.

-He's hilarious.

We were like, "Did you bring writers or something?"

Cos he was killing it. Like, killing it.

He was funny like a guy that had to fight his way off the playground his whole life,

and he had to be funny so he didn't get his ass kicked.

-Which is... I mean, it was very strange.

-That's how funny he was.

And, at one point, he started... I don't know, we were talking about music or playing something,

and I said, "What song are you talking about?" And he started singing.

And I did not mean to, but very...

It was deep and guttural, I was like, "You shut up!"

LAUGHTER

"Will you shut up, Chris?"

Because, also, he started to sound like a songbird.

It was like, "You can't have another thing!"

I said, "Can you sing?" And he was like, "Well, I can carry a tune."

-I was like, "You shut up!"

-LAUGHTER

I'm going to pretend you're a terrible singer, so I know you're human.

I bet he doesn't even have boogers.

-I bet it's just a hollow tube.

-It's a hollow tube.

Or, if he does have boogers, they taste like cornflakes.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Mmm! Crispy. Crispy like that, too.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Russell Crowe, what was the thing with Michael Jackson?

-This is such an odd story.

-What?!

Oh, he just got into the habit of, wherever I was staying,

he's just call the hotel

and ask for my room and put on funny voices.

I actually... Yeah, I know.

I'd never met him, you know.

LAUGHTER

And, the thing is, the first couple of people that I said it to,

I was like... I didn't want to sound like I was insane, right?

But... "Michael prank called me today."

But when I actually started talking to people who really knew him well,

they'd go, "Man, he does it all the time."

But, yeah, it was like... I used to do that when I was like 11 and 12.

I used to pretend I was a radio announcer

and, like, give people prizes on the phone.

Trips to the Fiji and all this sort of the stuff, and they would get excited, you know.

Then I'd just hang up and go, "Well, that was a job well done.

-"I made that person..."

-LAUGHTER

-But yeah.

-Who did Michael Jackson pretend to be?

He would...always start off being kind of gruff,

like he was the hotel management and there was some kind of problem.

I'd say that's less surprising than saying you're Michael Jackson.

-LAUGHTER

-Right. And then, if I got kind of irritated, he'd go...

HE MIMICS MICHAEL LAUGHING

Oh, Russell, it's only Michael.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT GRAHAM

Is that real?

But when people travel, you know, they collect things,

postcards, dolls in national dress,

but you collect animals,

like living animals.

Well, no, I don't collect them, I rescue them.

-Oh, OK.

-I rescue them.

So did you "rescue" anything when you were in Sicily and Tuscany?

Not in that one, but in the movie I did right after, in Bulgaria, I did.

-OK.

-And I had...I had promised my husband I was going to stop,

because, at that time, I had ten dogs,

five parrots, I had alpacas, horses, cats.

And, by the way, one without a tail,

-the other one without a leg, you know.

-LAUGHTER

And always they find me.

They come to me, these animals, which he doesn't believe me,

but they do, and I promise him, "No more."

OK? We were up to 30 animals,

-I...I swore no more.

-LAUGHTER

And I was there and a little puppy,

who was abandoned and was going to die,

I won't tell you the sad story,

because it's a comedic show and I'll start crying,

he came to me and I couldn't help it and I picked him up.

And his name is Ochoa, after the goalie of the soccer team in Mexico,

it was the World Cup.

And I took him and then I was terrified,

"How am I going to explain this to my husband? I promised. I promised."

And so I came up with this brilliant idea

-to pretend that I was having an affair.

-Hmm.

LAUGHTER

-And then...

-With Ochoa?

No, with somebody to make him think I was having an affair

and, at the end, I would say, "No, it's not an affair,

"I picked up a dog." And then we would feel better...

-LAUGHTER

-..that I picked up a dog and was not having an affair.

-This is clever.

-It's a good plan.

-So I left him a message,

"You must call me at this time. We need to talk, it's very important."

And I never do that. And this time, "OK, what happened? What happened?"

And I said, "Listen, I feel so terrible,

"I don't know how to say this to you.

"And I know this is not going to go down well,

-"and I'm really nervous. And, please, have mercy on me.

-LAUGHTER

"Have patience and be understanding."

"It's just it's been so stressful and I'm so tired!

"And I was so lonely here for so many days!

"And, you know, you do crazy things when you're in this state!"

And he said to me,

"Oh, please, don't tell me you picked up another dog?!"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

There's a thing in the... in the DVD extras.

There's a thing where you're directing the film,

-but there's a bit where you're having to direct wolves.

-Yeah.

And you were having to encourage the wolves.

-Sit!

-Yeah. LAUGHTER

Yeah, well, you know... I tell you...

I remember when we got these wolves, they were real wolves,

and I don't know, you ever think of like a salesman

who, you know, carpet... Carpet thing?

-Vacuum cleaners.

-Vacuum cleaner guy.

-LAUGHTER

-You're fired.

-Yeah.

-You're the worst salesman ever.

LAUGHTER

But you always see them and they come into your house

and they throw ashes and shit like that.

And they go like that and it... and it cleans it perfectly.

And then you call all your friends over

and you throw the same shit on the floor and a stain is there.

LAUGHTER

And so, when I met the guy with the wolves,

he showed me how they would behave.

You know, he would push a button and the wolf would come over here.

Well, when I got out there,

those wolves didn't do shit, just like the vacuum.

-I was 10 days over schedule 30 days into the movie.

-Ohh!

And...they said, "Well, what are you going to do?" I said, "I'm not going

"to change the name of the movie, I've got to figure out..."

Dances With Dogs! LAUGHTER

So... You know, when it's your money, you make everything how...

You make them, you know...

-It's... You just do what you have to do.

-They like having their belly rubbed, apparently.

-What's that?

-They like their belly being rubbed.

-No, it's true.

-Doesn't everyone?

-Yeah.

Yeah. No, but these are real wolves.

No, the real wolves do.

My girlfriend got me a present to go with these wolves.

They weren't tame, but they were socialised.

-And they were... No, that means they just don't kill you.

-Yeah.

And they were huge. And they liked having their belly rubbed.

-LAUGHTER

-I've tickled a wolf's belly.

-Was it the belly you were tickling?

-I... Oh!

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

When you were making this movie, where did the dog...?

-The dog isn't in the film.

-What dog?

You had a dog, didn't you?

-Oh, no, I found a dog on the... on the film.

-OK.

Would you like me to tell that story?

-Yeah.

-OK.

-LAUGHTER

I can give it a go, if you want.

LAUGHTER

A big old dog it was, guys.

-Big old dog.

-LAUGHTER

Three legs.

-All right?

-Yeah, that's about right.

-LAUGHTER

-No, the...

So I was staying at this sort of go-to-movie-guy house in Atlanta,

where, when they showed me the house, they were like,

-"Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus just stayed here, so..."

-Hmm!

-And they gave me one of these, you know?

-LAUGHTER

I thought that was untoward. And...

But they were very precious about the house.

What I didn't realise was that there was a strict no dogs policy,

and then I was going to work one morning, and there's a little dog.

It's below zero, and I thought, oh, what harm can it do?

And I let it in the house.

When I came back from work,

it was like a faecal Jackson Pollock.

LAUGHTER

It was just...

It was everywhere! Know what I mean? It was, like, did he have help?

LAUGHTER

I was like, like looking up, like, "Did you get a ladder?"

How did he...? How does he...? How is he still alive?

LAUGHTER

And so then I had to clean it all up and then I had to hide the dog,

and I spent like two weeks hiding this dog, and, you know,

when it was over, the last day, I didn't know what

-I was going to do with it, and actually your driver, Bo...

-Mm-hm.

..said that his father had just lost his dog of 16 years,

and so Bo took this little dog,

and he went and lived on a lake with 100 acres,

and he went to, you know, literally, dog heaven.

-AUDIENCE: AWW. GRAHAM: Aww.

-That's a nice story.

-That's a lovely story.

-Yeah, it is. APPLAUSE

That's sort of euphemistic for, "killed him."

-That's what they told Ryan.

-Living in 100 acres now!

With Bo's dad!

So dead, that dog.

LAUGHTER

-And, Seth Rogen, you've worked with an actual tiger?

-I did, yeah.

-But like a real, real tiger, or...?

-A real tiger! Yeah.

It was very counterintuitive, I'll be honest.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, I made a movie called The Interview,

that almost started a war, you might have heard of it.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE LAUGHING:

-Oh, man!

That must have been the oddest time for you.

-It was a horrible experience, yes.

-Yeah.

It's bad to be blamed for almost starting a war.

LAUGHTER

-It's not fun.

-Yeah.

-It's super weird.

-But part of the weirdness was you actually wrote a scene...

-Yeah.

-You wrote this.

-Yes.

-With a real tiger.

-I wrote... Yes.

And we thought we'd be able to use visual effects,

like in Life Of Pi, and have a computer-generated tiger,

and then we realised that we had no money,

and so we had to get a real tiger from Toronto.

LAUGHTER

-A nicer tiger.

-I asked the...

No, I actually asked the guy where the tiger came from,

and he said he got it from a stripper, which is...

LAUGHTER

-..crazy!

-That's quite the act.

-I said so myself! A stripper and a tiger...

-Where to tip, though?

Yeah! Exactly. Don't touch her!

LAUGHTER

And the tiger trainer, God bless him,

if you were to make a list of things you do not want to hear a tiger trainer say,

he systematically ticked every single thing on that list.

LAUGHTER

He would be, like... We'd be, like, is it safe?

He'd be like, "Well, they ARE killing machines." You know.

-LAUGHTER

-OK, that's cool.

And he's... So we're like, "Is this going to be OK to shoot?"

He's like, "Yeah! You don't plan on shooting this at night?"

We're, like, "Yeah, it's at night." "Well, they hunt at night."

LAUGHTER

We're like, "Is it more dangerous at night?"

He's like, "It's around 30 to 40% more dangerous."

LAUGHTER

And we're like, "30 to 40% more than what?"

Like, "What's our baseline tiger level of danger?"

LAUGHTER

He's like, "As long as it's not in a big open space."

And we're like, "It IS in a big open space."

LAUGHTER

Then we were just, "Should we not do this?" Like, should we just not do it? And there was, I'm not joking,

15 seconds of silence.

And he goes, "No, we can do it!"

LAUGHTER

And then the trainer's son, who was 18 years old,

was the guy who was training it,

and we were, like, "Why is your 18-year-old son doing it?"

He was like, "He has a much better relationship with the tiger."

LAUGHTER

And there was one moment,

he got in a fight with his dad while they're holding the tiger.

And he's there like, "Shut up, Dad! I'm doing this!"

And we're just like, "There's a fucking tiger here right now!"

LAUGHTER

-No-one got killed by the tiger.

-Hurray!

-Thank you.

-Happy ending.

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

Now, Hugh Grant, let me talk about your co-stars.

You're quite open about talking about your colleagues.

I don't know if you remember, you gave an interview to Elle magazine,

and they asked you about your various leading ladies.

Do you remember some of the things you said about them?

-I think it was regrettable.

-LAUGHTER

Well, Emma Thompson - clever, funny, mad as a chair.

LAUGHTER

-That's true, you know Emma.

-Yes, in fairness...

LAUGHTER

..quite a mad chair.

LAUGHTER

Renee Zellweger - delightful, also far from sane.

LAUGHTER

Fair.

LAUGHTER

-She is, I mean, she is genuinely lovely.

-Yeah.

But her e-mails are 48 pages long.

LAUGHTER

-Wow!

-Can't understand a word of them.

-I'll put them on Twitter.

-Do!

LAUGHTER

Sandra Bullock is a genius, a German, but too many dogs.

-LAUGHTER

-Way too many dogs! Yeah.

Then we get into a run of these.

Julianne Moore - brilliant actress, loathes me.

LAUGHTER

-Yes.

-Rachel Weisz - clever, beautiful, despises me.

-Yes, yes.

Drew Barrymore - made her cry, hates me.

LAUGHTER

-That can't be true.

-No, no, no.

-Erm...

-Well, Julianne definitely hates me.

-LAUGHTER

No, Rachel Weisz, I think we got on fine.

I don't know why I said that.

Maybe I was going for a comedy triple, I don't know.

LAUGHTER

-I don't know. Who was the third one?

-Drew Barrymore.

She made the mistake of giving me notes, which...

How would you take that?

-Well...

-When you're acting with someone...

I took them very well, didn't I?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Wowser!

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

I'm kidding! I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding!

-But they believed you, they believed you!

-Oh, no, no, no.

LAUGHTER

But here's an interesting question I meant to ask you,

all these months and never dared. Are you ever nervous?

Were you ever nervous?

-You DID ask me that.

-Did I?

-Yes.

-And what was your answer?

-Every day you asked me that.

LAUGHTER

"Aren't you nervous?" "No, I'm..."

LAUGHTER

"It's the second week, I'm not nervous, obviously!"

No, I get nervous. I get nervous on chat shows. Chat shows are hard.

-Oh, stop it.

-You're a genius, I don't know how you do it.

You put the most uptight people at relaxed, but it is very tough.

-But you ARE all relaxed, you're nice.

-I'm really uptight still!

LAUGHTER

And Batman v Superman.

Of course, the world is very excited to see these films,

but, Ben, it sounds like your son is very excited.

Because how cool...? His dad is Batman!

Like, how old is he, is he four?

-Yes, he's four, he's four years old.

-So does he kind of think you are?

He actually, not even kind of, he believes that I'm Batman.

I've kind of set a sort of trap for myself,

because I showed him some of the clips, and the stuff,

and I told him, "Yeah, you know, I'm Batman,"

and so now, he thinks, like, his dad is Batman.

-LAUGHTER

-Now, when I leave the house,

he's like, "Are you going to the Batcave?"

LAUGHTER

And I have do tell him, "Yup, I'm going to the Batcave!"

-LAUGHTER

-And I'm sure that, you know,

it's going to come back to haunt me when he's in therapy.

-Going, like, "HE LIED TO ME!

-LAUGHTER

-"THE BATMAN!"

-LAUGHTER

-But didn't you give him like the best birthday party, though?

-I did.

He wanted to have a superhero party, you know,

and that's usually where you pay some guys who dress up,

like on Hollywood Boulevard, as various superheroes,

and they come and do pantomime things,

and I said sure, no problem.

And he said, "Dad, I want you to be REAL Batman."

So I said, "OK. I'll be real Batman."

And I called the studio,

and asked them if they would give me the real costume,

and they sent costumers over, and I...

It was ten in the morning, you know, it was really hot,

and I put the outfit on, it was broad daylight, and...

You know, Batman's sexy at night.

LAUGHTER

He's not that cool at ten in the morning

when you're sweaty and hot and...

I was prepared for, thinking it was a lot of little kids,

but then I realised they all brought their parents.

LAUGHTER

So it was sort of like being on this show in broad daylight

in my Batman outfit, with my scary voice.

I came trundling out there, and I walked out

and I saw the look on all these adults' faces kind of going, wow!

LAUGHTER

-MOCKING:

-Batman!

-LAUGHTER

-Great!

-APPLAUSE

-AS BATMAN:

-Leave me alone! It's important to my son!

LAUGHTER

-Now, Joanna brought to AbFab all your modelling experience.

-Mm.

And, because only you know, you, as a model,

when you look through the old shots, you are incredible,

because you would work, you were quite prop-y as a model.

JENNIFER LAUGHS

-Oh, show me something. Fruit?

-Fruit.

-Fruit, smiling at fruit.

No, no, wait, no, no, you can work on the car! Look, here's some shots.

-Smile.

-That's me!

-Yeah, working a car!

-Working a car!

Accessorising a car with your shoes.

-Yep!

-Which is hard to do.

That's actually a handbag, it's not a car.

LAUGHTER

And that was a little black wig.

We had to provide all our own wigs and hairpieces.

Then, she's rocking a motorbike. SHE GASPS

-Ohh!

-Look at that! AUDIENCE HOLLERS

-NOW you want to buy that motorbike, don't you?

-Yes!

That wasn't when I was modelling, that was when I was really old.

-I was 40, there.

-Really?!

-What are you doing that for?

-How old are you now?

-I was just doing...

LAUGHTER

Honestly!

LAUGHTER

-The final edit hasn't been done on the film, Rebel. Final edit...

-Yes!

We know where that pineapple might end up.

LAUGHTER

The truth is that was a picture for something completely different,

but that was after I was a model.

-Only modelled from when I was 18 to 21.

-What the hell was that for?

That was a picture, it was for, funnily enough,

it was for something like Children In Need,

and it was... Those are Valentine's Day things, and the dress was

sold in aid, and that was Patrick Lichfield's motorbike.

Cos, when I look at that photo, I think Children In Need.

LAUGHTER

When I was teaching, I went home one weekend,

and I was in my 30s, and I was probably 33 years of age.

I went home to see my mother, and then I went back,

and, while I was at home, my mother did my washing for me,

because I was only 33.

LAUGHTER

And then I went back and, on the Sunday night,

I got really drunk and then I went for a curry.

And then, the next day, I went into school...

LAUGHTER

I'm going to! I went into school, and it was a school in Slough,

and it was quite a rough school,

but they had a really brilliant hearing-impaired department,

so the hearing-impaired kids who, you know, struggle, they were...

They were really looked after in this school.

Anyway, I was really hungover, I went there,

and, about break time, I felt really uncomfortable.

I thought, something's not right, you know?

LAUGHTER

So I went to the toilet, and I pulled my trousers down

and some of my mother's knickers had got...

LAUGHTER

..had got mixed up in the wash she'd done.

And I was wearing my mother's underwear.

LAUGHTER

And I went up, "Oh, God! Oh, no! Oh!"

I remember going, "Oh, you loser! This is...

"This is such a low point, you fucking loser!"

-LAUGHTER

-And then...

And then, the curry and booze kicked in from the night before.

So I...

I did like a faecal Jackson Pollock.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And I started...

I started going, "Oh, God, not this!

"Not this as well!

"Oh, Jesus!"

So I cleaned myself up, and I pulled my mother's pants back up.

LAUGHTER

And I went back into the classroom and I saw

one of the hearing-impaired kids was looking at me like this...

and that's when I remembered that I had a microphone directly...

LAUGHTER

..connected...

LAUGHTER

..to his hearing aid!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Oh, dear. And here's a thing.

I didn't know, I don't know if you guys did, that,

-obviously, you were Obi-Wan Kenobi, but...

-You didn't know that?

No, that I knew. That... LAUGHTER

But you're in the new one. You're in the new Star Wars.

Well, hardly. I mean, my voice is in it for a second.

-I recorded a little line in it or something.

-When do you speak?

I don't know.

Have you seen...? Have you seen it?

-LAUGHTER

-I did, but...

Yes, I thought it was very good, I can't...

LAUGHTER

That line? Excellent!

LAUGHTER

You know that bit where there's a... I don't remember, I've no idea.

-Apparently Alec Guinness speaks in it as well?

-Yes.

I think the beginning of the line is... The character's name is Rey.

I'm really struggling here, to try and remember.

-LAUGHTER

-Keep going, go on!

I think the character's name is, of course, as you all know, Rey.

It is. LAUGHTER

I worked with a line of dialogue that said Rey...

LAUGHTER

Brilliant. Brilliant. That was brilliant.

You hear him say that.

LAUGHTER

-There's some other line that I say.

-Yeah.

-And...

-"Rey, these are your first steps," or something?

-What?

-Rey, these are your first steps.

-Or something.

-Something.

-That's what he says, yes.

-Something, something.

Rey. These are your first steps or something.

-That's the one.

-So, they recorded me saying it, and then they took...

They found Alec Guinness saying "afraid."

And they cut the A and the D off,

and then they took the "ray" out of it.

LAUGHTER

So, it's Alec Guinness saying Rey...

-And then me saying that other line that you said.

-Yeah.

Did you have to go all the way to Tunisia to do that? Or did you...?

LAUGHTER

I am reminded of a time about f...five years ago.

I was at a dinner with my ex-wife Brooke, her family, this and that,

and, about halfway through, I noticed Donald staring at my watch.

And so, he started saying, you know, "Listen,

"I'm sorry that I wasn't invited to your wedding,"

this and that... "I'm sorry I can't make your wedding."

-And I'm like, "I didn't invite you."

-LAUGHTER

So he says, but, you know, "I want to give you an early wedding gift,

"as a gesture from me and Melania."

And she doesn't say a word, she is very sweet, and very pretty,

but just kind of sits there.

-You know?

-Yeah.

-Anywho, so...

So he says, "These are, er...

"These are platinum, diamond, Harry Winston."

And he pulls off his cufflinks, and he gives them to me.

And so, I'm like, Oh, gosh, Mr Trump, you really shouldn't do this.

He goes, "No, no, it's the least I can do,

"and, you know, have a great marriage and all that."

Little did he know...

LAUGHTER

So smash cut to about six months later,

I had some jewellery getting appraised at the house, you know,

and she'd finished and was leaving

and I said, "Oh, you know, there's,

"there's, there's another couple of pieces that I have

"that I'm very curious about, would you mind appraising these?"

She said, "No, what are they?"

Well, you know, I explained the dinner, this and that,

and these were from Donald Trump, Harry Winston, you know flawless Ds,

platinum...

She took the loupe, spent about four seconds,

and kind of recoiled from it, much like people do from Trump, and...

LAUGHTER

And so... So she says, "In their finest moment,

"this is cheap pewter and... and bad zirconias."

LAUGHTER

-And they're stamped Trump.

-AUDIENCE: Ohh!

And I just thought, I just thought...

what does this really say about the man, you know?

That he's said here's like a great wedding gift, and it's just...

and it's just a bag of dog shit, you know?

LAUGHTER

Er, this, this is a picture of Johnny Depp as Donald Trump.

-JOHNNY GROANS, OTHERS GASP

-What?

LAUGHTER Isn't that amazing?

-Wow. What was that for, Johnny?

-Oh, my God.

That was just for me.

LAUGHTER

You wanted to know what it felt like to be that awesome?

It was the weekend and, you know...

I never thought I wanted to kill Johnny Depp before.

I can only say that you should.

How did it come... Did you already do a Donald Trump impression?

No, no, no, no, and I had no idea if I could or not,

and I still don't, but I...

LAUGHTER

I mean, you know, Adam McKay, who I admire greatly

and who is one of the funniest humans alive, we had a meeting.

We were sitting there talking and he said, "How would you like to...

"How would you like to do a feature film in four days?"

and I went, "I like that idea."

And then he said, "How would you like to play Donald Trump?"

And I LOVED that idea.

LAUGHTER

I didn't care if I knew if I was capable or not, you know?

I wanted to try, so... Yeah, so I, I...

I did my bit as Donald Trump.

You don't want to be Donald Trump.

LAUGHTER

-Because he... The way he speaks is very specific.

-Yeah.

Were you telling all the Mexicans to get off set?

LAUGHTER

-AS DONALD TRUMP:

-I told them to build me that wall.

I want a sensational wall...

I want a fabulous wall...

I don't remember what the question was, but it doesn't matter,

cos I'm not going to answer it anyway.

LAUGHTER

-Wow.

-Very good.

-It's amazing.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

But in terms of, sort of, prank stories on the sofa,

I doubt anyone could top Kate Beckinsale's.

This is such a genius prank and I sort of hate asking you to tell it,

because I would so like to do it to someone, and this will spoil it.

Go.

SHE SIGHS, LAUGHTER

OK, it was a very impromptu one, cos I'd, I'd been...

If somebody falls asleep next to me,

it's dangerous, cos I like to glue beards to them

or draw tattoos or whatever it is - Pirates Of The Caribbean beard,

all that, and I'd run out of things like that,

and yet I was still after the rush of doing it.

So, erm, I got into bed and I think I'd got a little, you know,

-one of those chocolates that you get by the bed.

-Oh, yeah, in a hotel.

..and I thought, how funny would it be if I just tucked it

in between the person's buttocks while they were asleep?

LAUGHTER

And it was really funny, because...

Isn't that so good? It's so good!

And it just sort of came very organically.

My eyes fell on the chocolate and I kind of did that...

I see the sleeping bottom here

and then I thought, I'm just going to do it, and I tucked it in

and I thought maybe I'd get in trouble in the morning,

but it was a very fortuitous day,

because this was the morning where the person was in a terrible rush

and just went straight into their pants and their trousers

and straight to work, which didn't normally happen,

so, so halfway through the day at work, there was the...

LAUGHTER

..and then a kind of a scuttle backwards to the loo and then

the horror, horror, horror, "I've done this without even feeling it."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-When do you put on the Speedos?

-Hm?

-When do you put on the Speedos?

-Well, I basically live in them!

-Oh, do you?

-Yeah, I... Quite often...

Jodie's on it. Jodie's on it.

-I want to know!

-Well, we've got a picture.

Stella McCartney has designed the Speedos.

Now, sadly, she ran out of material, money and interest, so...

Those are the Speedos.

Now, they sent us a pair of the Speedos

and they really are quite small.

-Those are the ones I was wearing yesterday!

-Oh...

LAUGHTER

-How lovely.

-Yeah!

They're still damp. But, like...

-They are very small, Tom.

-Well, everything has to stay in place.

Obviously.

If you're spinning around, the last thing you want to do is have

something come out of its place where it's meant to be

and, also, when you hit the water, you don't want things...

you know, flapping about, because, I mean, it would hurt,

so the closer you can keep it all in, the better, really.

You're going to ask me to put those on, aren't you?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I wasn't!

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

It would look like a very ill elephant.

But what I...

I don't want to be indelicate, but what if anything changes

and you're wearing those?

Oh... I mean, when you're stood on the end of a...

Have you ever stood on the end of a ten-metre platform?

Of course I haven't!

So that's probably the last thing that would go through your head,

is to have anything change down there.

What about when they're giving you the medal and you're thinking, "Look at me!"

-LAUGHTER

-You're actually...

HE GRUNTS HAPPILY

Then leaning in and going, "Ooh, sorry."

You are a little bit more on the podium.

You actually have, like, a full-on tracksuit that you wear.

-Oh, that's thoughtful.

-Yeah.

-Is that why they wear the tracksuit?

I don't think that's the reason!

I don't think that's why they give them tracksuits...

in case they get a boner!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, Martin, in The Hobbit, was it you and Aidan Turner...

Oh, Christ.

..that you found a way to while away the many hours

-you must have spent in New Zealand?

-Yes.

One time, I said to Aidan, "OK, if there's a gun at your head...

"You've got to do one of these two things.

"You've got to either walk away from this scene, not saying

"anything to Peter Jackson or anybody else, you've just got to

"walk away and go until you reach that mountain and not say anything

"to anyone and when they say, 'Where's Aidan? He's got a line',

"you'll just be fired.

"That's over, cos no-one would have explained it

"and that'll be...certainly this job over and your name won't be..."

-You know, he wouldn't have done Poldark, that's for sure.

-No.

"Or you've got to..."

HE SIGHS

"Or you've got to masturbate to completion,

"just in front of everyone here and don't say anything about it.

"There's no...

"There's no introduction, there's no caveat, it's just...

"You've got to do one and, if there was a gun at your head, which one would you do?"

And he thought about it, and he chose B, he chose B,

just because he figured he wouldn't get fired, but he would get fired.

LAUGHTER

I mean, if there's one thing I believe, it's

you should be fired for wanking on set.

-Yes.

-Yeah. I'm all against that. I'm dead against that.

Ma... I won't ask you, Maxine.

-What, about masturbating on set?

-No.

It's too long a story.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

How do you think she lost all that weight?

But...

Paul Rudd in the Ant-Man movie,

you went to extraordinary lengths to amuse yourself.

Were you trying to amuse other people or just yourself?

Actually, this is quite close to that.

-Yeah, I think this is a perfect segue.

-What did you do?

Well, I was working opposite, er, Michael Douglas in Ant-Man,

and, er, you know, he's a legend and I could never completely relax

in front of him, even though he was very nice

and cordial and sweet and, finally, it was his last day of shooting

and I thought, ah, I want to...

be buddy-buddy with the guy, I want him to think that I'm cool,

and I thought it would be funny if, while it was on his close-up,

I could somehow recreate that scene from Basic Instinct...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

..sitting across from him, so I didn't tell him,

but I also didn't tell anybody,

and before we filmed the scene, I unzipped my jeans and...

-you know.

-Unfurled.

-Unfurled.

Not much unfurling, but I unfurled, technically, and I sat down.

I guess I didn't really take into account when I'm

sitting in a chair, everything kind of, like, my boxer shorts...

So, while he's doing his scene, I'm trying to re-unfurl while holding

my T-shirt over, so he wouldn't see it, and as I'm doing it,

he's saying his line and it looked as if I was doing exactly what...

LAUGHTER

-..Martin said he would never do on set.

-Oh, God.

APPLAUSE

You picked option B.

As I'm trying to uncross my legs and it's like, kind of...

And he's such a pro, he didn't... he didn't stop his, you know,

his monologue, flicked his eyes down real quick, looked back at me

and then just finally stopped in the middle and said...

"What are you, a fuckin' pervert?"

LAUGHTER

And, in that moment, I thought, this...

this didn't play out as I...had anticipated.

-You sexually assaulted Michael Douglas!

-I did!

And it was, the whole thing just kind of, you know...

..blew up in my face, I guess would be... Yeah, yeah!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, listen, last night - this is true -

last night I set my Rock Clock and this morning,

could I turn that f'ing thing off? No!

Oh, that's a thing, by the way,

one of the cool things is it doesn't have a snooze button.

-No, it doesn't!

-You can't snooze. You have to get up.

I was just like, "Shut up!"

This is it, this is it, so, you go on here

and there are all these different alarms, so, er, there's the...

This is what I had.

So, I woke up this morning, I could not turn this off.

Oh, this is the good one!

-THE ROCK ON PHONE:

-'Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep...

'I can do this all morning. Beep, beep, beep...

-And it was, it went on for so long!

-It just continues.

-I've got one that's Good Morning Sunshine.

-That's you singing.

-Yes.

This is a good one.

# Good morning, sunshine

# Yeah, that's what The Rock just said

# Open your eyes up

# Get your candy-ass out of bed. #

I'd get up to that.

And then the other cool feature is, it allows me to shoot videos

and they'll get downloaded to your phone immediately,

so, when you wake up at four, five or six or seven in the morning,

-you have a video message from me.

-Oh, do you want to do one?

We should absolutely do one right now

and I think, if you guys want to do one with me,

I'll do this and then I'll turn it to you guys,

and you guys can wake up... millions of people.

-Cool.

-All right. Here we go.

OK, there we go. All right.

All right, what's up, everybody? Rock Clock users?

Here with Jeff, here with Liam.

-You want to say good morning?

-Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep...

LAUGHTER

# Good morning, sunshine... #

-And there's Graham Norton.

-Hey! Hello!

So here's the best part about it all, everybody -

here's the audience.

CHEERING

Wake up! Rock Clock!

OK, quickly, quickly, one more.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hi, what's your name?

-I'm Debbie.

-Debbie. Hi, Debbie. What do you do?

-I'm a mother.

-That's quite enough.

-OK!

LAUGHTER

-Do you have many of the children?

-Two.

-Two, OK. How old are they?

Er, 19 and eight. Er, ten, sorry.

LAUGHTER

Wow, just lost two years of her life there!

-Don't you start again?

-Those were the drinking years!

-OK, where are you from?

-South East London.

-South East London.

We'll just leave it at that. All right, off you go with your story.

So, I'm in bed with an ex-lover of mine

-and we decided we'd engage in some grown-up activities.

-Yes.

You know, dinner for two.

SHOCKED LAUGHTER

More than 68, but not quite 70.

So, erm, because I'm so lazy by nature, I'm on the bottom,

and so I can't breathe through my mouth, obviously, cos it's full...

LAUGHTER INTENSIFIES

..so I take in a very deep breath through my nose...

SHE INHALES

..at which point his...testicles

form a tight seal...across my nostrils, so I can't breathe at all,

so I'm wriggling around, panicking, he's thinking, obviously,

"Oh, she's loving this, she's really loving this..."

I'm going to do it now.

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

I don't understand the... I...

I don't know, someone should... Maybe I need help, but...

Er... I envisaged two people sat like this,

but...if something...

-is in her mouth...

-Yes?

-..why would the thing below it be in her nose?

Cos she... Cos he's going that way.

-A 69, John.

-A 69, but also...

69! 69!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Also! Also!

Can I just say, we're leaving this conversation here!

She's facing that way, he's facing that way...

If you want to know more, go on the red button. This is it. We're done!

We're done! No, Sara! We're done!

-But why would you...?

-Shut up! We're done!

APPLAUSE